All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.S07E13E14.WEBRip.x264-ION10

JOE:
So the scientist says,

"The last time
I saw that monkey,

he was on the elephant,

trying to put the cork back in."
(laughs)

I'm sorry, is-is--
was that the punch line

or is there another
45 minutes to that joke?

Oh, come on, it's a classic.

Joe, Joe.

Let me give you a tip
on how to tell a joke, right?

Now, it's-it's a simple,
simple tip.

Never do it again.

Oh, that joke's hilarious,
you just don't get it.

It's possible I didn't get it;
it was complex.

An elephant with diarrhea,
who would get that?

Sorry I am late.

Carol and I went out
for breakfast

and I started talking about
our anniversary

and I lost track of time.

Wow. What anniversary is it?

Oh, 25 years next Saturday.

-Congratulations.
-Thanks.

Vanessa and I are 35 years.

Yeah, I know, Carol and I
like having

marriage old-timers as friends.

In fact, I wanted
to talk to you about that.

I'm done listening for the day.
Blame him.

Oh, you were telling jokes?

-Scientist, and a monkey
and an elephant, okay?
-Oh.

The one where he has diarrhea?

Not cool.

W-Wait, here's how
you tell a joke. Knock, knock.

-Uh, who's there?
-Crossbow.

-Crossbow, who?
-Crossbow, get back to work

or I'm gonna shoot you
in the ass with a crossbow.

*

-Hey, baby.
-Hey.

How was your night out
with Carol?

A little wine with dinner

or a little dinner
with wine or...

a little wine with wine?

We had pretzels.

In the Uber. (laughs)

Guess what Chuck and Carol
are gonna do

for their 25th anniversary?

They are going to get married.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

Okay, I'm a simple
country boy, but...

the fact that they have
an anniversary would suggest

that they're already married.

Well, that was a quickie
ceremony before Chuck deployed.

They always planned on having

a bigger wedding ceremony
someday and I guess

after 25 years, they decided
they better get on it.

Great story.
Give them a gravy boat.

Oh, I am giving them
more than that.

You are looking at
Carol's matron of honor.

-Uh, good, good.
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

-We'll get to eat first.
-Hmm.

Uh, so, Carol told me that Chuck
wants you to be involved, too,

but he's a little nervous
about asking you.

That's what he wanted
to talk about this morning.

He wants me to be the best man.

Hmm, what makes you think that?

Come on.

Who would be better
at it than me?

(laughs) Huh, I'm stumped.

Is that the right answer?

I'm funny, dependable,
look good in a tux.

-Hell, I could host the Oscars.
-All right.

So, what's the problem?

Being the best man is an honor.

It seems like an honor;
it's actually a pain in the ass.

It'd be like being
the White House chief of staff.

That's something else
I could do.

These cakes are beautiful,
but Kristin,

this is asking way too much.

No, no, Carol,
the guys in the kitchen

really want to do this
for you and Chuck.

They're dying to make something
other than the sheet cake

that we give away to people
who lie about their birthdays.

Carol, you told me
the first time

that you and Chuck got married,

you split a piece of pumpkin pie

at the bus station.

Come on, you deserve this.

Well, I... guess.

I'll take the four-tier praline
with the marzipan fondant

-and the crystalized
lemon blossoms.
-Oh. Okay.

Oh, yikes, Carol, come on.

-We got to pick up your dress.
-Oh! Yes.

Oh, thank you so much, Kristin.

And you know what the worst part
about all of this is now?

-I want some cake.
-(laughs)

-Bye, guys.
-Bye.

Hey, Kris, you want to watch
Lovers and Losers?

-It's hot tub elimination night.
-Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm taping it at home. (laughs)

Who am I kidding?
I'm gonna watch it twice anyway.

Can I watch, too?
We have this show in Hong Kong

but it's called
Daughter Shame Family.

-(laughs)
-Uh, sure, Jen.

-Hey, are those my earrings?
-Uh...

I don't know. Who cares?

I do. You went into my room
without asking.

KRISTIN:
(scoffs) When I lived here,

you took my stuff all the time.

No, I didn't. Your stuff sucks.

KRISTIN:
Yes, you did, liar.

No, I didn't, psycho.

Fine, take them, okay?
They're ugly anyway.

-Buy your own earrings, loser.
-Buttface!

That is a daughter
who shames family.

(tapping watch)

-Uh, Ed.
-Hmm?

I think this meeting
was over ten minutes ago.

You're just stalling
'cause you don't want

to go back to your office.

Now that's insulting.

I have plenty of important
things to talk about.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Boy, that Ann-Margret
had a great pair

of getaway sticks, huh?

Hey, when you two are finished,

I need a minute of
your time, Baxter.

-Oh, we're done,
we're done, we're done.
-Oh, great. I'll be right in.

Why did you tell him
we were done?

Because you said we were done.

What is it?

-What's wrong?
-Chuck wants to ask me

to do something and
I'm trying to get out of it,

so just back me on this, okay?

(sighs) So...

I guess you heard
that Carol and I

-are retying the knot.
-I'd love to talk about it

-when I get back in town, okay?
-Uh...

What, you're-you're leaving?

I was gonna ask you to be a part
of it. W-When do you go?

(stammering)
W-When's the wedding?

Next Saturday.

Next Saturday.
As luck would have it,

that's when Ed and I
are doing this thing, right, Ed?

Right? What are we doing?
The thing we're doing?

Well, I don't know
what you're doing,

but I've been asked to be
an usher at Chuck's wedding.

And as I said before,
I'm honored.

(sighs)
Man, it's okay, Baxter.

If you don't want to be
a part of it, that's...

-that's fine, man.
-No, it's not-- forget it,

it's not that, you know,
I just don't...

I don't know
what's the matter with me.

If you want me to do it,
I'm not gonna stand in the way

-of having
an exceptional wedding.
-(chuckles)

Okay, I got a list of websites
where you can get ordained.

It's quick and painless.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You want me
to o-officiate the wedding?

Oh, yeah. (scoffs)

I mean, even though
we're already legally married,

Carol wants it,
you know, all proper.

Why-- right, well,
I-I-I could officiate it.

That'd be all right, yeah.

I don't know if it'd be proper,
I got quite a mouth on me.

(laughs)
Yeah, thanks, Baxter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Chuck, uh...

who are you getting to be
the best man?

Uh, probably one
of your Marine buddies.

Oh, no. Most of my guys
are still overseas.

Oh. Huh.

(stammers)

Who's gonna be the best man?

Hey, Reverend, looks like
we got a wedding to plan.

(Joe laughing)

So yesterday you were mad
because you thought

-Chuck was gonna ask you
to be his best man.
-(exhales)

Today you're mad because
he didn't ask you.

Maybe you just like being mad.

Of course I do.

I'm not mad because he didn't
ask me to be the best man.

I'm mad because he asked Joe
to be the best man.

Honey, he asked you
to perform the ceremony,

-that's a big honor.
-Give me a break.

Officiating at a wedding

is like being the DJ at
a strip bar, you know that.

(mouthing)

Nobody's there to see you.

Well, that must be some
of the deep spiritual insight

he knows you'll bring
to the ceremony.

What's so special
about the best man's job?

The best man gives that
funny speech at the reception.

The big speech, the big fun;
it goes on YouTube.

And Joe's gonna give that.

Well, why not?
He seems like a funny guy.

My God, who are you?

(doorbell rings)

-Oh, there he is.
-Mm-hmm.

I was hoping I could pound
a few more beers down

before the wedding meeting
he insisted on having.

Well, it sounds like Joe
is taking his role

in the ceremony seriously
and you should do the same.

(grunts) Okay, okay, okay.

-(doorbell rings)
-Hey.

-Do we have any vodka?
-Answer the door.

Go, get out.

Reverend Mike.

-Shecky Greene.
-Let's make this quick, okay?

'Cause I'm doing New Talent
Night at the comedy club.

I'm workshopping my
best man speech.

It is gonna be a killer.
Oh, man.

Honey, can you pour me a glass
of what we talked about?

VANESSA:
No.

Hey, let's get started, huh?

Okay. Let's get started.

Listen, I'm really sorry
about how things worked out.

What do you mean? What?

About our jobs at the wedding.

I'm sure you've got
to be disappointed.

I'm the best man.

It's the best thing
you can be, okay?

"Best" is in the job title.

Being a best man
at a wedding is like

being a DJ at a strip club.

Nobody's there to see you.

No, that's ridiculous, okay?

Tommy Thunder
at Nudes, Nudes, Nudes?

He's the reason I frequent
that establishment.

Listen, all I'm saying is,

I've never been
the best man at a wedding

when I didn't look up and go,

"Boy, I wish I could be
the minister."

Well, congratulations, Baxter.

You are the minister, okay?

You're not the DJ
at the strip club,

you're not even
in the strip club.

You're the weird guy that hangs
around by the front door.

Not the guy with that
stocking cap, he's some kind

-of security guy.
-All right, all right,

all right, I get it. I get it!
I get it, I get it. I get it.

Here's the deal.
Okay, we're pals, right?

Yeah.

Well, I'm thinking maybe
I could talk to Chuck.

-Uh-huh?
-Maybe get you the gig

as minister and I take the,
you know,

the stupid best man job.

You think you could get me,
like, a certificate?

Sure, there's
a minister's certificate.

No, a birth certificate, okay?

'Cause apparently you think
I was born yesterday.

I'm just trying to help.

Hey, if you want to help,
read that.

Read that when you introduce me.

(stammers)

"He's worked clubs and colleges
across the country"?

"You've seen him on
Evening at the Improv"?

-What is this?
-Okay.

I took a few liberties, okay?

Just read that, then step aside

and watch me level the joint.

You know you do your speech
at the reception, you nitwit,

not at the church.

No, I'm the best man.
I'm doing it at the church

'cause Chuck said
it's okay, all right?

And look, excuse me.

I'm 35th at the comedy club
so I got to get going.

Wait a minute.

When were you ever
on The Tonight Show?

And look how far I've fallen.

Hey, Jen, you want to help us
with the centerpieces?

Oh, I have to tell
Vanessa something,

but it's going to upset her.

I know. Too much red. (sighs)

It's a wedding, not a bullfight.

Mandy and Kristin
hate each other.

They got into a fight. They said
horrible things I cannot repeat.

-What were they fighting about?
-Earrings.

(both laugh)

Oh, no, no, wait, let me guess.
Kristin took Mandy's earrings

and then Mandy
threw a hissy fit.

(laughs)

Stop laughing and do something.

-Jen doesn't have
any brothers or sisters.
-Ah.

I used to want a sister more
than anything in the world,

but now I am glad
I don't have one.

-Trust me,
this is what sisters do.
-Yeah.

They fight and they yell and
they tell each other to shut up.

-It's sweet.
-(laughs)

Yeah, one of the great things
about having a sister

is you can fight like that
and it doesn't matter.

You know you're always
gonna love each other.

That sounds a little crazy.
Is it true?

My sister was a giant pain.

She stole my first boyfriend,
she crashed my car...

I should give her a call.

*

I really appreciate you
taking the time, Reverend Paul.

Listen, I need a few pointers
on a wedding, man.

This thing's turning into
a real pain in the ass.

Yeah. Just happy to help.

Please, have a seat.

I don't want to sit
in your chair.

Oh, why not? You're a "minister"
now, too, right?

Clicked on a website,
you paid ten bucks, boom!

You get to wear
your collar backwards.

Ten bucks? I overpaid. (laughs)

Do you have any idea what a
seminary education costs, Mike?

It's about 18 grand a year,
plus books.

Okay, but isn't there
only the one book?

The average salary
of a minister? Around 35 grand.

Greeters at Walmart
make more than that.

You know,
this is real interesting,

but it might be something

that someone should take up
with their bartender?

Officiating weddings
was one of the few ways

that ministers could make
a little extra money.

But now, thanks to the Internet,
anyone can be ordained

by the Worldwide Church
of the Holy Bozo.

Let's be honest, I think
you've had a few snorts

already today, haven't you?

I'm sorry, this just
chaps my fanny.

Okay.

I'm sorry. How can I help?

Okay. All right, listen.

You know how to work
a congregation, right?

So, I need some surefire bits
that I can do at the ceremony.

"Bits"?

Yeah, some class A material,
you know?

I'm not a prop act,
I don't juggle,

and I won't do magic.

Where is this ceremony?
The Tropicana Room?

The best man is Joe Leonard.
Do you know Joe?

No, I don't think so.

Yeah, cause-- of course not,
he's bound for Hell.

Joe thinks he's funny.
He's not funny.

He's really not funny, and he's
doing comedy at the ceremony.

I need to blow
this guy offstage.

It's called the sanctuary.

Okay, okay. I'm-a blow him
off the sanctuary.

-Mike, you're looking at this
completely wrong.
-Yeah?

A minister at a wedding,
it's like a DJ.

Exactly.
DJ at a strip club, exactly!

What?

I need one surefire bit
that's guaranteed a big laugh.

Help me out. Big laugh.

Okay. Oh. (laughing): Okay.

(chuckles)

There's a scientist,
an elephant, and a monkey...

All right, so after I say that,
you say, you yell out...

Come on, you yell out...

"How fat is she?"

And then I'll say,
"My wife is so fat..."

Well, hang on. Mrs. B isn't fat.
Why are you saying she is?

It's a joke, I'm not talking
about my wife. It's a joke.

Making fun of somebody's weight
is a joke? No, sir.

You want a joke? (clears throat)

"What did the farmer say when
he couldn't find his tractor?"

I don't know. What?

"Where's my tractor?"

That's a joke.

Really, Joe? A guitar? What are
you gonna do, song parodies?

What's the matter,
Your Holiness?

You don't think they're funny?

Why don't you call Weird Al
on his yacht and ask him?

Pathetic.

I'll be surprised
if you won't be

smashing watermelons out there.

(sighs) Watermelons
are out of season, genius.

Oh, and don't worry
about my act, okay?

Just keep your boring
minister crap short.

Boring, huh? Well, I might have
a joke or two, or 50, Joe.

Don't you dare, okay?
I'm headlining this gig, Baxter.

You're just the DJ. (scoffs)

Not today, Joe.
Today, I am the stripper.

Hey, guys. Hey.
You got the ring?

-What?
-Yeah.

Yeah, of course I got the ring.
I'm not an idiot.

I left my breath mints
in the car.

I'll be back.

Hey, you know,
there's a good chance

you'll be slipping a breath mint
on your wife's finger today.

Come on, come on. Hey, hey, hey.

Relax. I'm pretty sure
she's gonna say, "I do."

(chuckles)

Carol said you'd
calm me down, man.

Which is one of the reasons
why I asked you to do this.

Really? Wh-What are some
of the other reasons?

You know, instead of, uh,

you know, driving the limo
or being an usher

or, you know,
being the best man.

The judge who married us
25 years ago

had never met us before.

He kept calling me Rick
through most of the ceremony.

Are you sure he wasn't saying
"The Rock"?

Oh, and he was single.
And-and I know that

because he said all the stuff
you hear at a wedding ceremony,

but it didn't sound authentic.

So when we decided

to renew our vows, we wanted
the officiant to be...

someone who'd been around
the block a few times.

(chuckles) Well, you know me.

I've been circling
that block for 35 years.

Yeah. Exactly.

You and Vanessa have
the same kind of marriage

Carol and I have.
Long, solid and honest.

And who better to bless it?

I am really honored
you asked me, my friend.

Yeah, man.

Oh, and the worst part about
the guy who did it 25 years ago,

he kept trying to be funny.

Well, it could've been worse,
you know?

He could've played the guitar.

KRISTIN:
Mom!

We got to go!

Can I help with anything?

Yeah, sure, Jen.
Can you put

some of these corsages
in the box?

What's that? What did you say?

Actually, can you just grab
the camera bag?

This camera bag?

KRISTIN:
Yeah.

Oh. Are you wearing
Mandy's earrings?

No.

Wow, they-they look great
on you.

I didn't steal them. Shut up!

I mean, it's totally fine.
You should keep them.

They look way better
on you anyway.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Uh, girls,

I need you to do me
a weird favor.

Hey, Jen, did you go
into my room without asking?

-Because that is not cool.
-Yeah, what were you thinking?

You have your own stupid room.

That you... better stay out of.

Hey! That used to be my room.

(scoffs)
Yeah, back when it sucked.

Give me the earrings.

You just said
I could have them. Liar.

-Stealer!
-Loser!

-Psycho!
-(laughs)

Hey, hey, what's going on?

It's okay, Vanessa,
we were just talking.

-Yeah, Mom. Butt out.
-It's a sister thing.

Hmm. Well, you sisters
better get going.

Fine, you can wear
the earrings, today.

"Love never fails.

"These three remain forever:

"faith, hope and love.

But the greatest
of these is love."

Not one laugh.

Thank you, Kyle. Well,

I get to talk now,
which, as many of you know,

one of my favorite things.

I'm supposed to talk about
being married for a long time,

another one
of my favorite things,

but instead, I'm gonna talk
about my very favorite thing:

cars.

Specifically, I want to talk
about classic cars

because being married
for a long time

is a lot like owning
a classic car.

I think about that when I look
at my lovely wife, Vanessa.

How fat is she?

When you have a classic car,

you don't take it
for granted, right?

You don't assume
it's always gonna work.

You got to take care of it,
got to tinker with it.

You got to listen to it.

It's not a lot of work,
but you do it every day.

And those days turn into weeks,
the weeks turn into years.

If you're lucky,
they turn into decades.

But that car's gonna run like
a top, like it was brand-new.

And when everybody sees it,
they all say,

"I wish I had one of those."

He's better than Tommy Thunder
at Nudes, Nudes, Nudes.

Oh, you're that guy
that's going to Hell.

No, no. It wasn't that bad, Joe.

I think people enjoyed
your speech.

I was there.
Nobody enjoyed his speech,

which is why I loved it.

Say what you want.
I did get one big laugh.

(chuckles): Yeah,
when you dropped that guitar.

Yeah, that was great.

And that breakaway neck you had
on it made it super funny.

-Yeah, it was a great wedding.
-Mm-hmm.

Hope the Larabees have fun
on their honeymoon in Vegas.

I was surprised to hear
that Chuck is an Elton John fan.

-Yeah, me, too.
-Yeah, I wish I had known.

I would have incorporated it
into my act.

Then you could have
dropped a piano.

Hey, uh, while Chuck's gone,

who's gonna be in charge
of security at the store?

Who cares? Now you can take
whatever you want

'cause who's gonna
stop you, Joe?

This is gonna be
a real fun two weeks.

-Look at you,
sitting at Chuck's desk.
-Yep.

Our head of security
may go on a honeymoon,

but crime never does.

Have you seen their pictures
from Vegas?

They are having a great time.

Oh, yes. Ah, Vegas. Yeah.

I bet Redford
could get Demi Moore

for a lot less
than a million bucks these days.

Uh, so, don't take this wrong,

but do you even know
what you're doing?

Oh, I'm getting the hang of it.
I'm getting the hang of it. Mm.

-See, this camera here
is for the loading dock. See?
-Yeah.

-And this one's
for the main retail area.
-Mm-hmm.

And this one's always good
for a laugh.

(clears throat)

(echoing):
Checking, check, check, check.

Paging Mr. Kaseltzer.

Mr. Al Kaseltzer.

Ha! I-I only do that

because the store hasn't
opened yet. That's...

-Yeah. We opened 20 minutes ago.
-I knew that.

I knew that, I knew that.
Okay, uh... (clears throat)

Disregard the previous
announcement for Mr. Kaseltzer.

Mr. Alka-Seltzer.

There's one thing I don't get,
is why there are so many

-blind spots in the store.
-Yeah, well,

whatever Chuck set up
is working.

Theft has been way down
since he took over.

There's got to be a better way
to beef up security here.

I-I want to take a shot at it.

Okay, I-I wouldn't mess
with any of Chuck's stuff.

Okay, Ed? He's worked
really hard on this system,

and he's got a lot of pride.

Pride? Pride, well,
I have a lot of pride, too.

-(clears throat)
-Oh, no.

Paging Mr. Moretime.

Mr. Juan Moretime.

Hey, babe,
before we go to the bank,

let's make sure the car
has enough gas

to get us to the bank

and then back from the bank.
(chuckles)

MANDY/KYLE:
Oh.

Hello, Mom and Dad.
Guess where we're going?

Hopefully, acting lessons.

Uh, no. We're going to the bank.

Kyle and I are combining
our money.

Yeah, since we're moving
into our first apartment

together soon,
we figured it's time.

All right, well,
that's a major decision.

I hope you gave it some thought.

Gave what thought?

Combining money? Bad idea.

It's like putting Trump
in a bath with Pelosi.

VANESSA:
I mean, he's right.

You know the number one thing
couples fight about?

Who's cuter? It's him.

-(scoffs) It's her.
-It's him.

-It's you.
-It's you.

-It's you.
-It's you.
-Hey, hey, hey! Look at me.

We're talking about money.

And it's her.

-No, it's you.
-No, I meant you.

-You. No.
-No, really. Look.

-MIKE:
Look, you're the one. You are.
-No, no, no.

-You are. You...
-Stop! Stop, look at me.

We're talking about money.

Look, it-it's harder
than you think,

learning to say "our money"
instead of "my money."

Especially if you're the one
making most of our money.

Hey, look, I'm not embarrassed
about that.

You know, for maybe five years,
I... I was a kept man.

Yeah.

Just spent my days,
you know, working out,

going to get my nails done,
playing Parcheesi

and making her happy.

(exhales) Well, I just don't see
us ever arguing about money.

-Kyle and I are always
on the same...
-Planet.

Exactly.
(chuckles)

All right, well, look.
If you guys need any advice,

-feel free to ask.
-No, no. Ask her.

-I don't want any part of this.
-No-- what?
You love giving advice.

Only when people don't want it.

Okay, we're gonna be fine.

Okay, let's go.
I'm just gonna grab my purse.

Uh, don't you mean "our purse"?

Yeah, they may be from the same
planet, but it's not Earth.

We're out of the bison,
so we're changing

the Chop of the Day to elk.

If anybody asks, just...

Um, could you excuse me...

(chuckles):
for a second?

(clears throat)

-We're just...
-Ed. There's a drone...

Oh, come on, it's you?

What the hell are you doing?

Nothing much,
just living in the future.

And how did you get Jen
mixed up in all of this?

Mr. Alzate asked if I knew
anything about surveillance.

-Mm-hmm.
-I'm from Hong Kong.

The land of eight million
cameras and no crime.

Coincidence?

Well, it's scaring my customers.

Well, you know who doesn't
steal? People who are scared.

We have a female Caucasian
in aisle 17 who appears

to be concealing something
under an oversized jacket.

Give me eyes on that.

False alarm.
Suspect appears to be pregnant.

Disengaging.

You can't do this, Ed.

The store already has something

that hovers over people
and bothers them.

-It's called you.
-Mm-hmm.

What are you so afraid of,
Kristin?

No more free pens
from the hostess desk? Hmm?

Oh, come on.

(The Godfather theme playing
over TV)

Hey, Mr. B.

Oh, is this the, uh,
uh, The Grandfather?

(music stops)

(chuckles)
The Godfather.

Well, um, I'm sorry
to interrupt, but...

uh, Mandy and I had a tiny
disagreement about money.

Because you only have
a tiny amount of money.

Ask Vanessa, she volunteered
to hear this stuff.

W-Well, she's not here.

(sighs)
She's never here.

(imitates Vito Corleone):
That's how she does it.

So, when we linked our accounts,
uh, Mandy got upset

when she saw that I've been
giving to a charity every month.

No, no, no. I love that you give
to charity, but Dad,

this isn't charity, this is
his deadbeat brother Lonny.

Oh, the deadbeat brother.

Every family has their Fredo.

Dad, we're not talking
about Lord of the Rings.

We're talking about a bully
who-who pushed him around

-since he was little.
-Your mom and I

used to have the same issue
with your Aunt April, right?

She kept asking for money, we
eventually had to cut her off.

But Lonny needs my help
and I can help him.

If I don't... doesn't that
make me a bad person?

It's easy to confuse wanting
to help and needing to help.

What he probably needs
is you to get out of the way,

so he has the dignity to stand
on his own two feet.

And with that, my advice

(imitates Vito Corleone):
is over.

All right, well,
hope you're right, Mr. B.

Of course he's right.

He always gives
such great advice.

(The Godfather theme playing
over TV)

(sighs)

When am I gonna learn?

You give them good advice,
they come back.

I've just had it,
this is so stupid.

Marmaduke again?

They've had this slobbering
Great Dane since 1954,

they still leave a steak
on the table.

Hey. Uh, I'm headed out
to read to the blind

and then serve some soup
at the homeless shelter.

That's great. A lot of guys
use that story as an excuse

to go drink at the bar.

-(laughs)
-Really?

No. I... No.

I-I've read to the blind.

Oh, uh, my brother asked
for more money,

and I said I got some great
advice from my father-in-law,

and that the Kyle Anderson
piggy bank is closed.

What-- uh, hold on. Uh...

Mike told you to stop
helping out your own brother?

Yeah. So I'm volunteering.

If I can't help Lonny,
I got to help somebody.

Well, off to skid row!

Poor Kyle.
Poor, poor heartbroken Kyle.

Stop it. Cutting off his brother
was the right thing to do.

Look, it's not that easy
for some of us, Mike.

Even though your head knows
it's the right thing,

in your heart, it's hard
to say no to family.

Your heart doesn't
know anything.

That's why it's not
called the brain.

This is just like my thing
with my sister April.

We're not gonna get into this
again, are we?

No, no. You specifically
asked me not to talk about it.

Perfect. Yeah, yeah.

Mm.

But you're okay with not
giving her money, right?

What do you mean?
I still send her money.

You know that.

-No, I don't.
-Yes, you do.

Just 'cause you say
I know something doesn't

-make me know it.
-Oh, look.

Last time we had
this conversation,

you distinctly said
you understood

how I feel about April, but you
didn't want to hear about me

giving her any more money.

-Exactly.
-Right, so I send her money,

and you don't hear about it.

Wow. Exactly wrong.

Y-You can tell
what comic strip I'm reading

from across the room, but you
don't understand what I meant

when I said,
"I don't want to hear about it"?

All right, well, if--
well, if that's what you meant,

I didn't agree with it,
and I don't agree with it now.

So I have no say
in how we spend our money.

Look, it's my sister, Mike.
I'm not gonna stop

-giving her money.
-Okay, you know
what I just heard?

"Hey, look, Mike, I'm not gonna
give her any more money!"

Two can play this game.
Ah, la, la, la, la, la!

There she is. The commander
of eye in the sky.

What are we looking at today?
Huh?

Uh, we have a temporary
shutdown, sir.

Huh? What? Where's my drone?

Why aren't I seeing
anything here?

There was... an incident.

Play it back.

-You're not gonna like it.
-All right. Okay.

What's she doing?
What-What's going on?

Told you you wouldn't like it.

(moans)

Oops.

What's this?

It's a peace offering.

That's very nice of you.

You take a bite first.

I didn't do anything
to it, Mike.

Mm-hmm.

(gasps)
Oh!

-(groaning)
-Okay.

Yeah, okay, that-that's nice.

Either die or give me
the cake back.

Honey, I am sorry for
our misunderstanding.

Okay, I would never do anything
deliberately behind your back.

Except that face I make
to the kids.

I guess I could have been
more clear.

-(chuckles)
-Although I really
don't know how.

Look, I know you think that
April is taking advantage of me.

Listen, I know April.

There's nothing that's
enough for her, right?

She's like
a freeloading socialist,

and you're a-a sweet old
Bernie Sanders.

Oh, well, thank you.

"Old" and "Bernie Sanders"
in one sentence.

Look, I'm not saying you're
a lunatic leftist,

-I'm saying you're acting
like a lunatic leftist.
-No, look,

you don't know April.

Okay, she's-she's not some
freeloading socialist.

She's my sister,
and we-we have the same mother.

Wow, you really are a scientist.

Mom wasn't the easiest
person to-to live with,

and April and I were
always there for each other.

And I-I can't say no to her now
when she needs my help.

Do you really think
this is helping her?

Well, I-- maybe not.

I don't know, maybe not.

But I can't look
at somebody I love,

who's desperate,
and-and turn them away.

And I don't think
you could either.

Sure I could.
Give me her phone number.

-No, no, I can't do that.
-And why not?

She lost her phone again, and
I have to send her a new one.

Look. Hey, hey,
that doesn't make you right.

(quietly):
Doesn't make me wrong either.

LONNY:
Hello?

Hello?

Can I help you?

Are you Mike Baxter?

Do you live around here?

No. I'm Kyle's brother, Lonny.
Lonny Anderson.

Wow.

You know, that, uh, poster I had
in my college dorm

was way off.

When Kyle said you were
his big brother,

he wasn't kidding.

Yeah, people always said
I got the muscles,

he got the brains.

Wow.

Well, it's a good thing
you-you both have

that nonviolent personality,
right? Right?

I'm not here
looking for trouble.

I just want to know why
you told him to cut me off.

I'm family.

That's not exactly
what I told Kyle.

Look, he's starting
a new family right now.

It-it might be a good time
for you to pull your own weight.

Right?
And speaking of weight,

what do you bench, like, 300?

I don't know exactly.
Whatever a motorcycle weighs.

Look, the way I understand it,
Kyle's been supporting you

for a long time, you know?

But look, the economy's great.

There's jobs everywhere
right now.

You think I'm a bum, don't you?

No, no, no, no.
I think you're used to

taking money from your brother,

which might be getting
in the way

of you making it on your own.

I've had a ton of jobs, okay?

Getting them's easy.
Keeping them's hard.

Yeah. And yet, I've had one
for 30 years,

but, you know, go on.

I'm not gonna let some jackass
making 50 cents an hour

more than I do yell at me.

I grew up getting screamed at.

Kyle told me a lot about
how you guys grew up,

and I know, I know your mom
was a-a handful.

She was nuts.

My old man, he was worse.

Well, I-I don't ever recall
Kyle complaining about your dad.

Kyle was born after he left.

He was the lucky one.

The rest of us, we had to
sit there and take it.

Sometimes our parents cast
a long shadow, don't they?

Listen, maybe there's something
down at Outdoor Man.

You know, we might have
some work at the loading dock,

or, hell, lifting boats.
(chuckles)

Nah, I don't want to work there.

I mean, that's all I need
is everybody comparing me

to my super smart brother.

(chuckles):
Yeah.

Well, um, look, I-I know
a lot of people in Denver.

I'll make some calls, all right?

Thanks, but no.

You know, maybe you were
right before.

I mean, this could be
a good time for me

to make a new start.

I got a buddy up in Wyoming

who's been bugging me
to come up there.

Wyoming's a great place, man.

Good opportunity that could
turn into something great.

He's in a biker gang.

Or it might not.

Look, I'm really happy that
Kyle has a family now.

He's a good kid.

He's a great man.

And you're okay, too.

It's funny, you know.

You're not at all
who I thought you were.

You either.

I'll tell him you stopped by.

Okay.

Sorry again about the drone, Ed.

No apology necessary.
You did the right thing.

-What was I thinking?
-(chuckles)

I'm just glad that you realized
Chuck's security system

is fine the way it is.

Mm. But it's not.

However, next time
we beef up security,

it won't be with a drone.

It'll be with something
that-that blends in.

Ed?

What do, what do you mean,
"the next time"?

(whirring)

Oh, my God.

Ed, this doesn't blend in!

Hey, babe, uh, I want to talk
about your sister, okay?

You have anything new to say?

I still think it's a bad idea
for you to give her money.

(scoffs)
I am underwhelmed.

-Hey there.
-Hi, guys.

Boy, you learn stuff
when you're helping people.

Today I learned that
you don't have to talk louder

when you read to the blind.

And I learned that when
you mispronounce a word,

even the blind will
roll their eyes.

All right, well,
I'm gonna go lay down.

I just spent two hours
shouting The Da Vinci Code.

I feel so bad for Kyle.

He keeps beating himself up
about Lonny,

and I-I wish there was something
I could do to help.

Well, as luck would have it,
your mom and I are dealing

with a similar situation
with, uh, your Aunt April,

so I'd like to field this,
if I could.

Yeah, this should be
interesting; I'm all ears.

Eh, mostly teeth and hair,
but whatever.

I realized that
I don't really know April.

-At least not the way
your mom knows her.
-No.

But I know your mom,
and I trust her.

Okay, starting to be
a little "whelmed."

And if she thinks that
helping her sister

with our money is a good idea,

I trust her that
it's a good idea.

Case closed.

Thank you.

Okay, so that's what
I should do with Kyle.

No, no, no,
you just can't copy us.

Every relationship is different.
It's like a classic car, right?

Right, right, right. You said
that at Chuck's wedding.

-Exactly.
-Just before Kyle
called Mom fat.

Uh, look, I-I know
I don't say this

as much as your father does,
but he's right.

Money issues are too personal
for you to copy

-what anybody else does.
-Right.

Like a classic car.
Every marriage is different

and requires a different
amount of work.

You know,
sometimes it's the valves,

sometimes the carburetor,
that sort of thing.

-I understand.
-Okay.

What if our car's electric?

Then I don't really want
to talk to you.

Okay, great advice, Dad.

And since The Godfather's
your favorite movie...

(imitates the Terminator):
I'll be back.

(chuckles)

-Thank you, Mike.
-Mm. Come here.

-Mm...
-What?

Ugh, I just can't stop picturing
Trump and Pelosi in the bath.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

inviting you to come on down
and spend your money.

You can spend a little or a lot.

Hell, you can spend it all.

And I'm just gonna say
thank you.

(chuckles)
Because we're not married.

You don't need my permission
to buy a boat,

but if you feel like you do,
trust me... buy the boat.

Between business and customers,
money is just about numbers.

But in a marriage, money is
an emotional minefield.

One wrong step and boom!

It'll cost you
an arm and a leg.

How we spend our money
is an expression

of what we care about.

The book of Matthew says,
"Where your treasure is,

there your heart will be also."

Spend two months' salary
on an engagement ring,

and your fiancée will love you.

Spend two months' salary
on a Nitro Z bass boat

without permission, you might be
sleeping in that boat.

But with the right sleeping bag,
it isn't that uncomfortable,

to be honest with you.

A purchase might have
some deeper meaning to some.

Maybe your partner doesn't see
Broncos season tickets

and wonder if they're
too expensive,

but instead wonders
if you love football

more than you love her.

And, of course,
the answer to that is

not since
Peyton Manning retired.

Therapists tell us
arguments about money

can often be on something
unfulfilled from our childhood.

I feel it, and I get it.

And just maybe
what you didn't get

when you were a kid could be,
I don't know,

a bow and arrow,
a cool camp stove,

or a snowmobile.

Where could you possibly
find stuff like that?

As luck would have it,
I bet we carry it

right here at Outdoor Man.

And it might be on sale.

(chuckles):
Look, I do what I can to help.

Baxter out.

(chicken clucks)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH