Original subtitles

We need a place

where women can walk in and walk up to the counter

or...

Welcome to Orgasmic Living.

We also offer private consultations with our therapist.

It's a male therapist. He's very male.

- And all this is from substitute teaching. - Yeah.

You know, some odd jobs here and there.

You seem kind of tense. You alright?

You only have to kill one person to be a killer, baby.

Sync & corrected by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

( Theme music playing )

♪ Need a new love? ♪

♪ hey, I'm ready ♪

♪ want my time? ♪

♪ and I'm willing, yeah ♪

♪ 'cause I'm the one ♪

♪ who's gonna show ♪

♪ when there's nobody ♪

♪ I'll be your man ♪

♪ yeah, I'm the one ♪

♪ who's gonna show ♪

♪ when there's nobody ♪

♪ I'll be your man ♪

♪ I'll be your man ♪

♪ all right. ♪

( Ray narrating ) Suit fresh from the cleaners:

Check.

Irish singing voice: Check.

An uncomplicated client that I've known for a while:

Check.

It was gonna be an easy night.

Jason: Whoa, could you hold that, please?

- Thanks. - What floor?

Same.

( Loud music playing )

Sounds pretty rockin' tonight.

Oh yeah. It's rockin'.

( People cheering, hooting )

( Ray narrating ) It wasn't exactly my scene,

but I had a job to do and I knew how to do it.

I just had to find my client.

And there she was.

Tanya: All right, so she's there waiting for you

and some little punk came along and stole her?

He didn't steal her. He knew her.

He-- he brought her a cupcake.

All right, Ray, I don't know.

Maybe you should have just gone up there and cut in.

( Chuckles ) Cut in?

It's not the senior prom, Tanya.

Ray, women like to be fought over.

I mean sometimes they'll have sex with the guy

that seems to want them the most.

It's a biological imperative.

Thank you, Darwin.

You don't listen to me.

You have to listen to me.

Since when?

Ray, every ship has a captain.

And I'm the pimp.

And this ship has been very successful because of the way I run it.

You think you're running the ship?

I do. It's just a fact. It just--

Have you considered you might have a problem with female authority?

Cut the crap, Tanya.

I have a problem with you saying that you're the captain, okay,

when we're partners.

Well, we're partners but, Ray,

I mean, I call the shots.

( Sighs )

All right, we're partners.

We're partners, all right?

I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding.

I will call Christina into my office and I will find out.

In the meantime you have to get some sleep

because you have a 4:00 A.M. with Lydia.

( Ray narrating ) Yeah, partners.

One of us got some sleep.

The other got up at 4:00 A.M. to have sex with Rambo.

I didn't mind the running

or the costume...

( Grunts )

...but the tackling wasn't my favorite.

Oh no, no cuffs. No. No cuffs.

( Ray narrating ) Suddenly every woman in my life wanted to be on top.

- You packing? - What?

Oh, you are packing.

( Lydia laughs )

( Ray narrating ) Then we got up and did it again.

( Ray grunting )

( Ray narrating ) She got me in the knee that time.

And those fucking handcuffs, like a pair of nunchucks.

( Moaning )

♪ Look at these crazy coins, is this "Lord of the Rings"?

♪ Pounds and pence and princes and queens ♪

♪ flipside experience, well, not really ♪

♪ more familiar than Russia or Chile... ♪

Ron.

Sorry, Jess. Got to get my 45 minutes.

Can I just get my check and I'll go?

I've got to keep my heart rate elevated.

♪ Of the human race, fish and chips, crumpets ♪

♪ bangers and mash, Shakespeare, donne ♪

♪ Sid Vicious and the Clash, you love our movies-- ♪

( Music stops )

I thought we were going to be adults.

Adults support themselves.

Ron,

I know this is something you couldn't possibly understand,

but I have been out of the job market for almost 20 years.

You want to have your cake and eat it too? I won't be your baker.

What?

What are you-- what are you talking about?

- What cake? - He's the cake.

- Ray is the cake. - What?

Ron, I think these are too big.

Oh shit. I'm sorry. I'm gonna wait over here.

You know what? Ray is not the cake.

We are not together.

And last I checked, you were the one getting jerked off

in the back of a car, not me.

- I didn't come. - Fuck you.

Fuck your fucking check.

Jess, come back.

Look, she's my sparring partner.

She likes to box, I like to box.

I love you.

I have your check.

I'm sorry this is so awkward.

It's not awkward, Mindy. Not awkward at all.

Giving a handjob when your husband is 10 feet away

buying a candy bar, now that

is not the classiest move in the world, Mindy.

But we're good.

- ( Car starts ) - We are so fucking good!

Look. No no, it gives you diarrhea.

Yummy. Look, chicken.

Eat some potatoes. Hi.

Hello. Buenos noches.

- Hi, Jason. - Oh!

- Hey. - Look, 200 bucks.

It's for your next one.

You've got another woman that wants to bang?

- Wants to fuck me? - Yes, I did.

And birthday girl wants to book you again too.

I was right, she likes you better.

Okay.

What's the matter? Didn't you like it?

No, I dug it. I mean what's not to like?

I'm getting paid to bang.

It's just, why do I have to steal them from that other dude?

You're not stealing, Jason. It's reparations.

That other dude and his manager stole from me.

- Do you understand? - Okay.

Great. So I'll set something up for Wednesday?

Oh man, I've got to work Wednesday.

Get someone to fill in for you.

Um, maybe Bob.

Oh fuck, Bob's mad at me.

Okay, so how's your Saturday?

Saturdays are no good.

What are you talking about? Every Saturday?

Yeah, kind of.

And every other Wednesday is our alone time.

Who, you and your dick?

- No, me and Sandee. - Who the fuck is Sandee?

My fiancée.

Oh, I'm kind of engaged.

He told you that I sent him?

Yeah, 'cause you thought I'd like him better than Richard.

( Coughs )

Sorry.

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm good.

It went in the wrong hatch.

No, I'm just--

I'm just so happy that you--

that you like my new guy, Christina.

- Jason was amazing. - Jason.

We literally fucked all night.

I'm like exhausted today.

Well yeah, that's-- that would be Jason.

Anyway, I got your email this morning.

My email? That I--

Right, that I sent you this morning.

Yeah, I'm too fucked up for tonight,

but I can totally do tomorrow.

Great.

Ray. Ray. Fuck.

You've got to wake up. Wake up.

She hacked into my email, Ray.

She's having cyber conversations with our clients.

- We're under siege. - Slow down.

Read this, you'll see. It's my email.

- Read that. - "O.M.G. He was--"

"O.M.G. He was totes ahmaz srsly magic tongue. Thx!"

T.H.X. It's like hieroglyphics.

And then she writes back, uh, "love ya."

I don't write "ya."

It's "I love you." I love you, Ray.

That's Lenore. She fucking stole our clients!

Well, I told you, Tanya. I knew something was up.

Who doesn't listen?

- Huh? - I have a plan. I have a plan.

It's the broken window theory.

If you have a house and there's a broken window

and you don't fix it right away then you get a lot more broken windows.

- And you also get, like, graffiti all over your house. - That's your plan?

No, my plan is I'm gonna go ambush this guy tomorrow night.

You? Yourself?

Correct.

Tanya, let me handle it, okay?

I should talk to him man to man.

No, that's-- what? That's my job.

That's my job.

Tanya, no offense,

but you tend to get a little emotional

during these situations, you know?

- A little hysterical. - Ray!

- ( Groans ) - Hysterical?

Do you know that words like that have kept women down for centuries?

- Ow, Tanya. - What? What's wrong with you?

I spent half the night playing Cops and Robbers, okay?

- ( Phone ringing ) - Just let me handle it.

- You're backup. - Backup?

- You just stand by, okay? - Backup?

Jess, hey. What's up?

I'm backup.

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, I would like to buy a cake.

What did you have in mind? We've got chocolate.

- We've got vanilla. - I'll take that one.

Great. And is it for a special occasion?

Would you like to add a personalized message?

- Sure. - Super.

And what would you like your cake to say?

"I... fucked...

your... boyfriend."

That's what you want the cake to say?

Yes.

I think that the company might have some sort of policy

against using swear words.

Oh. "Screwed" is fine.

Yeah? Yeah.

And is this for pickup or delivery?

Delivery. What's your address?

I li-- excuse me?

Where do you live?

I live at 323 North Deerfield Road, Apartment 5.

Great, put 323 North Deerfield Road, Apartment 5.

That's where I live.

Yes. The cake's for you.

Okay. You're getting me a cake?

I fucked your boyfriend.

Yes.

I have a fiancé.

I fucked your fiancé.

Sandee. Sandee.

You call him now you'll end up fucking him by the end of the night.

Then the next time he feels like it, he'll cheat on you again.

But if you don't return his calls,

you go away for a week, there is no telling what you could get out of him.

( Whispers ) Men are dogs, Sandee.

Beop bitch.

It's not heart attack. It's chicken wings.

What kind of pain is it, Lottie?

It's chicken wing type of pain.

Is grandma really having a heart attack?

- No. - Well, why are we in the hospital?

Because she eats the bones.

Hey, are you gonna manage with the--

It's okay.

We're still on Ronnie's insurance, Ray.

I just have to pay the deductable is all.

You need a little cash?

We'll be fine. I'm getting a job.

I'm just waiting for them to call me back.

How about a loan? Pay me back.

Come on, Jess. Let me give you some cash.

Hey.

- Hi. - Matt.

Matt Kopylov. Mindy's husband.

Ex-husband almost. Separated. Estranged.

- Hi. - We played scrabble that time.

You had some great words and you got those twins.

Hey, guys.

- Is my mother gonna be okay? - Oh yes, she's fine.

- Probably indigestion. - Oh, that's great.

Thank you. I was worried.

Happy to help. And if you need anything--

heart related, scrabble related or otherwise--

just, uh...

Okay.

Damn, look at you.

Like a diamond in the rough.

What, I look different?

You got one of them makeovers?

Oh no. Business has been good.

We hit a sweet spot.

So you gonna get me out of here?

Charlie, the last time I saw you

you told me to stop wasting your time.

You were hurt by that.

You felt what? Insulted?

- Yeah. - I'm sorry.

But we shared a few good moments, right?

I mean we had a...

a commonality.

I gave you another perspective on your field of work.

Do you think I need you?

Look, Tanya. I need bail.

- What's it gonna be? - I don't know, Charlie.

I'm gonna think about it.

I'll get back to you.

I've got business to take care of.

♪ If you want to stay ♪

♪ you can take what you want to ♪

♪ if you can ♪

♪ make what you want of me ♪

♪ make of me ♪

♪ I dream of us in a land... ♪

Uh, bushmills straight.

♪ You've got a million dollar stare ♪

♪ that makes me... ♪

Jason?

Jason?

- Hey. - Hi.

Christina won't be here today.

Oh, okay.

I'm Tanya.

Does that name mean anything to you?

Uh, I have a cousin named Tanya.

Yeah. Is your cousin a pimp?

( Laughs ) I don't think so.

Jason, look at me. Do I look like some kind of

sucker to you? Like some kind of a patsy?

Some kind of chump or fool?

- No. No. - No?

'Cause why do you treat me like one then?

- Lenore sent you, right? - Who's Lenore?

Jason, Christina told me

that you told her Tanya sent you.

Now I'm Tanya and I know I didn't send you, so...

My cousin Tanya isn't as pretty as you.

Oh my God. All right.

That kind of flattery is not gonna work.

I'm here because I know that you have been specifically

with Lenore targeting my clients,

clients that I worked very hard to cultivate.

- I'm telling you-- - I love that tattoo.

A woman's wrist is just so sexy.

I need you to stop, okay?

I need you to stop stealing my clients.

I've been very good to these women and Lenore, she's a snake.

You don't-- don't trust her.

I'm sorry. How can I make it up to you?

( Ray narrating ) Partners-- one of us was there at 7:00.

The other weaseled in at 6:00.

( Moaning )

( Unzips )

( Moaning loudly )

Tanya: Oh yeah.

Yeah fuck.

Yeah fuck! Oh!

God yeah! Fuck me!

Yeah! Fuck!

Jason: Sweet. Sweet balls.

Tanya: Sweet balls.

Ray, hi.

- I got here early. - I can see that, Tanya.

Where's the guy?

Um, you know what? I-- it's all set.

I-I took care of it.

- Oh yeah? - What?

Did you just have sex with that guy?

( Laughs ) What are you talking about?

You went behind my back

when I specifically said I want to deal with the guy

and you fucked him?

- Um... - That's you being the captain?

Look, what I did is I made

a calculated business decision for the two of us.

- Oh, it was a, a business decision. - Yes.

Fucking a stranger in a bathroom?

You fuck strangers all the time.

That-- that's my job.

- Oh, is that-- is that-- - No.

- Hey, guy. Hey, fella. - Ray, don't. Don't.

- Come on, Ray. Ray! - Hey.

- Ray! Oh my God. - Hey!

- Okay, shit. Shit. - Hey.

- ( Elevator dings ) - Hey!

Hey. Hey, fella.

Oh hey, man.

- Do I know you? - Don't play dumb.

I'm Ray, you're Jason.

Look, I don't know what Tanya told you or Lenore told you

or miss it's-always- my-birthday told you,

so I'm gonna tell you:

Stay away from my clients.

I didn't know she was your client.

Don't bullshit me. You knew.

No, I'm not. I had no idea.

But honestly, man,

I don't think she missed you that much.

No offense.

If you take one of my clients again--

I'm just trying to make them happy.

I think I made your pimp happy.

- Hey! - I don't want to fight you, man.

- I don't want to hurt you. - Hey, come here.

Come here.

Hey! Hey!

( Panting )

( Ray narrating ) I didn't mind the running.

It was the breathing that was the problem.

Aw, damn it.

- ( Thunder rumbling ) - ( Groans )

You okay?

I can't believe you slept with that guy.

- He's like 12. - He is not.

He's at least 20-something.

Why do you care so much?

Because you shouldn't have done it.

- We're a team. - Yeah, a team.

But I'm not your backup.

You know, sometimes I think you underestimate

just how valuable I am.

Ow.

You should get that looked at.

( Groans )

It's a bruised rib, Tanya.

I'm an athlete. I've been through worse.

What are we gonna do about this punk?

I don't know.

Come on, broken windows.

We gonna give it up to Lenore?

- No. - Hell no.

Let's go get our client back.

Oh my God. Sorry. Sorry I'm late.

Um, okay, where were we?

Take your seats. Let's see, was that the--

Types of orgasm. Types of orgasm, right?

Um, you know, there are more than you think, right?

Uh, okay.

Let's see.

First we'll start with...

Clitoral orgasm.

Okay, so when--

- Oh my God. - Hi, Miss Skagle.

- I'm one of your students. - No.

- No you're not. - Yes I am.

- I'm going to enroll. - No.

I've heard such great things about this class.

I've got my check

and my class registration form all ready to go.

I need this class.

I've had such a tough couple of months

and I've had several people close to me betray me.

And along the way I've lost myself and my sexuality.

I was hoping you could help me reclaim it, Tanya.

Right, okay.

You and I, we'll go talk about this in my office.

And-- and, uh-- uh--

So the green pamphlet

on handjobs...

You have no right to come barging into my classroom,

let alone hacking into my email.

- You've been stealing my clients. - Your clients?

If I remember correctly, they are my clients.

This center, selling lifestyle-- my idea.

I am just taking back what is mine.

I am changing my passwords, Lenore.

You are not going to be able to hack into my computer anymore.

Oh really? Okay, let's see-- Christina Rutland,

- Eloise Kuzenski... - Wait, where did you get that information?

- ...Caroline Powell. - Where did you get that?

Birthday girl was just a demo. I want my clients,

50% of your profits and an apology.

- Or what? - Or I take it all.

Hey!

You want it? Fish it out of the toilet.

- What the fuck? - That's right. Oh my God.

- Toilet water. Toilet water. - Ew!

T-brain.

( Screams )

( Both shouting )

Chapstick?

Oh!

- Ow. - What are you gonna do now, Tanya?

Throw a teabag at me?

You're never gonna make it.

Not in this business, not in Detroit, not in life.

You're a loser, Tanya.

Once a loser, always a loser.

You are a broken window.

( Panting )

Whoa, okay, hi.

Well, okay.

Nobody said orgasmic living was easy, ladies.

So where were we?

Miss Bernard will not be attending class today.

Okay.

Vaginal.

- Hey hey, man. - Thanks.

- Which one? - Same.

What's in the box?

A bigger cake.

She likes cake. You think that's gonna do it?

- Do what? - Give you an edge.

Bigger cake.

Maybe.

Oh.

Why don't you just go home, man?

You know it's gonna be me.

All right.

What, just like that?

Yeah, you want her, you got her.

Here, take the cake.

All right. Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Ah.

Ow, fuck.

Oh come on, man. Are you serious?

( Jason grunting )

She's expecting me tonight, pal.

And that's what she's gonna get.

Good luck.

( Whistling "Battle Hymn of the Republic" )

Sync & corrected by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

♪ We are on the street ♪

♪ we're out to get you, watch your back, boy ♪

♪ we're on the floor ♪

♪ you can't see us, you can't stop us ♪

♪ even when we oh so sober, we like looking strange ♪

♪ even though we don't complain, we won't be getting soft ♪

♪ even though we oh so silly, we like looking strong ♪

♪ hello ♪

♪ hello ♪

♪ hello ♪

♪ rouse it up ♪

♪ listen to me, stop ♪