Original subtitles

Sync & corrected by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

♪ Need a new love? ♪

♪ hey, I'm ready ♪

♪ want my time? ♪

♪ and I'm willing, yeah ♪

♪ 'cause I'm the one ♪

♪ who's gonna show ♪

♪ when there's nobody ♪

♪ I'll be your man ♪

♪ yeah, I'm the one ♪

♪ who's gonna show ♪

♪ when there's nobody ♪

♪ I'll be your man ♪

♪ I'll be your man ♪

♪ all right. ♪

( Ray narrating ) They say necessity is the mother of invention.

That's one thing we've got here in Detroit-- necessity.

- ( Music playing ) - Some people gave up.

A lot of us didn't.

Hell, most of us didn't have a choice.

We had to make it,

turn lemons into lemonade.

And if you didn't have any lemons--

well, there's always something.

( Woman moaning )

Yes! Fuck, oh!

God yes, fuck me!

Yeah, oh fuck.

- ( Recorder clicks ) - So does anyone recognize that voice?

That's right, it was me.

This modest, even-tempered woman

in front of you-- that was me.

And you know, I-I used to be-- I was embarrassed.

I was embarrassed of my orgasm.

I was told I was too loud, that I came too much.

I was self-conscious. I was insecure.

And then, you know, one day I just said fuck it.

Just, I said fuck it! Just fuck it!

Ladies, sex is not a job.

It's a way of life.

My name is Tanya Skagle. Welcome to Orgasmic Living.

( Exhales )

( Ray narrating ) Orgasmic Living...

It was a long shot.

Okay, clearly we need some new ideas.

Well, Ray, what if I'm out of ideas, all right?

I'm fresh out. I got it, I got it.

Berbig-- Berbig--

Ber-- Berbigs? Berbiglia?

Ber-- uh-- I can't-- I can't read this, Cammy.

No more cursive, all right?

God, it's not even English.

Look, what if this is my destiny?

I mean, I'm good at this crap.

And-and they have a great health plan.

Don't joke, Tanya. This is not your destiny.

Okay, this is not my destiny to be substitute teaching

twice a week for the rest of my life, all right?

Cammy, where-- where are the filters?

Let's begin with the obvious, okay?

We have an excellent product.

- Women like me. - Most of the time.

- Birbiglia! - So what's the problem?

- How come Lenore can get me clients... - Let the customers in.

- ...And you can't? - You're gonna get me fired.

Look, okay, forget it. Just the point is,

women like me, they like my...

It's not all about your dick, Ray.

Okay, so it's not all about my dick.

All right, what is what's this place about, Ray?

What do you think? What's Starbucks about?

I mean, nobody needs coffee so bad that they're willing to pay $5 a cup

for some caramel macchiato.

Look, Lenore always said it was about lifestyle?

It's not about lifestyle. That's bullshit.

We need a place where women can walk in and feel comfortable

and it's normal. And they walk up to the counter

- and-and they gotta-- - I'm sorry. Thank you.

--Order.

( Laughs )

That's it.

That's it. Right. I quit.

I quit, Cammy. I'm out.

Tanya: Happiness consultants.

It's a wellness center for women,

coming to a storefront near you.

...Thanks to Judy Pearson

and the Certified National Bank.

- Uh-huh. - We encompass all needs.

All wellness-type needs.

Well, we do lifestyle and, uh...

Feminine-type suggestions.

So it's-- it's both of you? You're partners?

- Business partners. - Obviously.

We're not married. We're...

( Groans )

We're not-- we're not-- not-- not a couple.

Uh, what we're-- what we're trying to say is that

we've got something special to offer Detroit

- and we'd like to focus on that... - It's very special.

- ...Full-time. - But what is your product?

Can you tell me that?

Can you give me an example, please,

of what it is that you are selling?

( Screaming )

Good boy.

Hand creams.

Organic hand creams.

Ray: Organic hand cream?

Eight banks, eight rejections, Ray?

She was our first woman, how could she say no?

Women who hate women-- I hate them.

The only female loan officer we get, and she's got a stick up her ass.

You know, I probably should have mentioned the Orgasmic Living part.

I don't think it would have made much of a difference, Tanya.

No, it might have. Because women like orgasms.

Men like orgasms too, okay? It's not the point.

It doesn't matter what we would have said, okay?

The banks aren't giving anybody shit.

That's not true. The-- the-- the small business Obama grants--

Don't! Don't give me that crap, okay?

The whole country's fucked up right now.

The banks get the big bailouts.

The cops, the auto workers,

the teachers and the perma-temps get the shaft, okay?

It's the way it works. Just forget about the storefront, okay?

It was just a silly idea.

What are you doing?

Tanya! What--

It's not her fault. Wait, hey!

Hey!

Come on, Tanya! Come here!

Tanya, get back here.

- Tanya. - Hi, Judy.

Just, uh-- just one--

just one-- one minute. I can wait a minute. Are you coming back?

Before you go back there, just while you're-- hello?

Judy? We were already--we had an appointment.

Just-- just a sec. Judy!

- Tanya. - Jud--

Oh, hi, sorry. Is it on? Okay.

- Yeah-- yes. - About the hand cream,

I know nothing about hand cream. I don't know why I said it.

What I should have said is that women don't orgasm enough.

- All right, Tanya, Tanya, come on. - Just-- shh shush!

For one second. The thing is

we can orgasm more, both in the bedroom and in life in general.

Sex can be better, Judy. Our lives can be better--

you, me, the fucking country.

In fear is where our orgasm lies...

- Okay. - ...Where our happiness lies.

And that is why we need the certified national small business loan!

And that is why I am offering you,

Judy Pearson, the chance to take our class for free.

I want you to attend. You can see what it is we do.

There's no obligation, no expectation

and I guarantee you no regrets.

( Ray narrating ) The whole thing was nuts, from beginning to end.

But banks and women, well, they work in mysterious ways.

The vulva.

Have you considered your vulva?

( Ray narrating ) Judy the loan officer and her bank teller friend Joanie--

- Tanya's first Orgasmic Living class. - ( Pops )

Tanya: For years I apologized,

I disregarded myself and my vulva.

But not anymore.

Hold on.

- ( Music playing ) - Oh shit.

Sorry, I thought I had this cued up. Just a sec.

Ladies, some wine?

Fuck yeah, fuck yeah.

Fuck! Fuck yes!

Fuck, oh!

God yes, fuck me!

Yeah, oh fuck.

Tanya: Okay, so, um, yeah.

That's me. And really in just four short weeks,

uh, you can feel that great too--

both in and out of the bedroom.

That's where we're headed, but, um,

after this we move into the feedback

and then the practicum.

But we can skip that for now.

So any questions? Any thoughts?

Yes?

So you guys want a loan for this?

Oh yeah yeah. For the set-up,

the utilities and the overhead.

But we have a lot of confidence in our program.

Well, there's the private consultations.

- What? - Ray: As my partner said,

( clears throat ) Well, I run the practicum.

Um, it's where the real money is.

We can do an in-house session

or we could meet at a public place--

a restaurant, you know.

I could wear this suit or I could wear sweatpants.

- You know, whatever makes you feel most comfortable. - Right.

I mean, we're really-- we're really very discreet.

- We can put it all in writing if you like. - ( Coughs )

- Um. - Yeah yeah.

Joanie, can I talk to you for a minute?

Uh, hold on a sec, you guys.

We're just gonna check out the porch for a second.

- Ray: Yeah. - Yeah no, it's a lot.

- Yeah. - Take your time.

The vulva?!

Of all the parts of the human body to pick,

- why the vulva? - It's a vulva!

- You think that's gonna get us a loan? - It's the vulva, Ray.

Do not stigmatize the vulva. That's the whole problem.

Why do you have to freak out every time something fun is about to happen?

Because my idea of fun and your idea of fun are not the same thing.

- ( Sighs ) - I mean come on, private consultation?

- Are you kidding me? - It's just a date.

- It is not just a date! - Oh, come on.

It'll be something to laugh about 10 years from now.

"Fear is where your orgasm lies."

I don't even know what that means.

It's the word, vulva--

not sexy.

( Music playing )

♪ You're giving me a head rush ♪

♪ I said, oh... ♪

( Ray narrating ) We didn't have the loan.

But at least Judy agreed to a date...

As long as Joanie was there too.

Judy: Even during the Bush administration, when loans were literally--

they were just flying out the door literally.

Yeah, the bush years were the boom years.

I had this guy once

walk up to my window. And he's got this gun...

It's a squirt gun, okay? I'm sorry.

- You always leave that part out. - ...And he hands me a note:

"Give me the money or I'll blow your fucking face off."

So I said go ahead, blow my face off.

Anyway, security jumps him, shoots him in the--

- What is that? What is that area? - Groin!

Jo-- sit down. It's the groin.

Now he's doing time at Saginaw Correctional

and pees into a bag.

- Salut! - Salut.

Wow, it's really hard to be brave

when you're behind bulletproof glass.

In loans, we're just sitting ducks out there.

Yeah, quack.

Quack quack quack quack!

Quack quack quack quack!

( Squawking voice ) I'm Judy the sitting duck!

- Quack! - Oh, and salut.

- Salut, bottoms up. - So I love hearing about the-- the stories.

I love hearing you talk about the bank

and banking. I mean, anything that you're passionate about,

I think-- it turns me on.

You know, passion, Judy?

I know what turns me on.

( Moaning, laughing )

Yes, thank you. Um um,

- as we were discussing-- - You know what?

- I think it's-- - I just remembered

that I have so much work to do at home, so I'm gonna go

- and you guys just have a really good time. - What, Jude? Come on!

Are you wussing out? What about the private consultation?

- You said you'd go first. - I'm not "wussing out."

- I don't need a private consultation. - You're so repressed.

- I am not repressed. - When was the last time you saw a penis?

Guess what, Joanie. I see penises all the time. I see them all the time.

You know what? Fine. I will go upstairs and I will--

Go! Go do what you always do. Go fuck him upstairs.

- Go, do it. - That's right, Judy.

- I don't care. - I'll fuck him. You can fuck yourself.

- Fuck your-- fuck yourself! - Shh shh! Judy, Judy!

No, I am not repressed! I'm not.

Just because I don't shove my crotch into peoples' faces like her?

- I'm not repressed. God, I hate her! - Okay.

When we go out together, I get left behind every time, always.

- You're not gonna get left behind. - Yes, I am!

Judy, not with me,

not tonight.

( Ray narrating ) Clearly the path to Judy was through Joanie.

I'm sorry, Judy.

It's okay.

( Sighs )

All right.

Should we keep it going?

( Music playing )

( Ray narrating ) It was starting to look like

the greatest date of my professional career.

( Laughing )

Um, thanks. Thanks, Ray.

We're good.

Uh, forgot my jacket.

- It's right there. - Yeah.

( Ray narrating ) Okay, I was a little disappointed.

But on Monday morning, our loan got approved...

For happiness consultants,

a wellness center for women.

Orgasmic Living--

what a concept.

Why is it so many of us have trouble

expecting pleasure-- sexual pleasure?

Even-- even saying the word vulva feels transgressive.

Even right now, I feel a little transgressive.

( Ray narrates ) We lost some ladies at "vulva."

The cunt as temple, tomb, cave or flower.

I'd like to announce that the wellness center--

We also offer private consultations-- very private,

with a therapist. It's a female therapist,

or a-- or a male-- it's a male therapist.

He's very male. And very private.

( Ray narrates ) But those who stayed made it all worth it.

Um, but I've-- I've never met this therapist.

Richard? Uh, Richard,

could you bring in the Samson file, please?

- Thank you. - Sure.

Hi.

That's Richard.

( Ray narrating ) Pretty soon my work week was filling up.

- Mondays I had Eloise. - ( Glass shatters )

Alternate Wednesdays, Christina.

- On Fridays, the Birmingham screamer. - ( Screaming )

Don't stop.

- Oh my God. - Make it hurt.

( Ray narrating ) So thanks to a lot of fucking,

I could finally fix up my house.

- Ah! - ( Laughs )

Ray: All right, see? This is neck massage.

It goes up, it goes down. Or I can

do lower lumbar while looking out at the lake.

This thing's relaxing. You-- you try it.

Come on. Give it a shot.

No. I'm okay.

It looks comfortable though.

Hey, mom, have you seen dad's new vacuum cleaner?

- It's like a demented dog. - Darby: It's really retarded.

- And who helped you decorate? - Nobody.

I mean it's mostly me.

And all this is...

- is from substitute teaching? - Yeah.

( Clears throat ) Mostly.

And you know, some odd jobs here and there.

Odd jobs. Wow, what kind of odd jobs?

I mean I send my resume out 50 times a day, nobody ever calls me back.

Well, uh, I do, uh, personal... training,

for example. You know, weights and cardio.

( Clears throat ) Something sorta like that.

- Wow. - Hey, maybe, Jess, you ever think

about combining forces a little?

You know, so you don't, uh, so you don't have to pay rent?

- He did fix the house, mom. - Come on.

- I told you, I signed a lease. - Okay.

I know. I'm just saying...

Things get too hard out there for you,

or Lottie starts driving everybody nuts,

or, hey, you wanna practice your music,

or go look at the lake...

I just want you to know that I'm--

You can count on me.

( Music playing )

Lenore: Happiness consultants?

Can I warm you up?

- Your coffee. - Sure.

You seem kinda tense. You all right?

You shouldn't have more coffee.

It makes it worse.

I'm sorry, what is happening here?

I'll tell you what, you can keep a secret.

Just let me just pop back into the kitchen,

I'll put a little courvoisier in your coffee cup.

On the house.

- Oh! Oh God. - ( Dog growls )

Oh God, oh fuck.

Oh fuck fuck!

Oh fuck, wait wait.

Wait, please. Wait wait wait.

- Pull out. Oh God. - What, huh?

- Is something wrong? - No, nothing's wrong. Just pull out.

- Why? - 'Cause I want to see it.

- See what? - Your dick.

- Now?! - Yes now.

Oh God, oh.

Oh God, okay.

- Yeah, that's a-- - ( Growls )

Oh my God, that's what I thought.

- Oh. - Thank you.

- You want to go again? - Again?

- Yeah, come on. - No, sweetheart.

I'm not a carnival ride.

Oh, I think I torqued my neck.

Oh, I think that was the chair.

Your ass is just too delicious.

- What's your name? - Jason.

Jason. I'm glad I found you, Jason.

I've been looking for you for a long time.

Like they do in Tibet for the Dalai Lama.

- What's that for? - It's compensation.

- I took a discount for myself. - ( Weak chuckle )

You-- oh, right--

you know that I'm not like a--

a whatever-- hooker dude?

- Right? - Yeah.

Think of it as a gift. I want to share.

It's a thank you.

One time.

This one time.

( Laughs )

You only have to kill one person to be a killer, baby.

( Honking )

- Oh my God. - Hey!

Wow! I'll be right down.

Come on!

Wow, Ray, what did you do?

- You like it? - It's amazing. Hell ya.

You wanna go for a ride?

Well, okay.

Yeah sure.

Wow, Ray.

- Ray, God, it's beautiful. - Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Come on, let's go!

Hey hey hey, let's go to Windsor.

Let's cruise this puppy all the way to Canada.

- How about around the block? - Oh man.

- Yeah! - ( Music playing )

Oh, your kids are gonna love it.

You're gonna be the best dad in the world.

I hope so.

You know what?

Fuck around the block. Let's see what this baby can do.

Whoo!

Sync & corrected by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

♪ I work, I work ♪

♪ I work, I work for you ♪

♪ for you, for you ♪

♪ for you I work ♪

♪ I work, I work ♪

♪ if you work too ♪

♪ for you, for you, for you ♪

♪ gold card, platinum card ♪

♪ plastic card too ♪

♪ I don't really give a damn about you ♪

♪ I keep all my earnings in a box marked shoes ♪

♪ I'd try to run heaven all to give you proof ♪

♪ I work, I work ♪

♪ I work, I work for you ♪

♪ for you, for you ♪

♪ for you ♪

♪ one more day, I will say to you ♪

♪ and it's a good work, it's true ♪

♪ whoo! ♪