Original subtitles

Welcome to San Francisco,

the city by the bay --

Home to 30,000 fire hydrants, 4 million tennis balls,

and very liberal pooper scooper laws.

My name is lucky.

I'm a dog, in case you hadn't guessed,

and I belong to this man.

You remember Dr. dolittle, right?

The guy who can talk to animals?

If you don't, let me jog your memory.

He's a doctor, and he talks to animals.

Well, anyway, he's busier than ever.

- Doctor. - Yes.

You've got Mr. Carson at 10 for a full workup.

Mr. wennington's e.K.G.'S at 12.

Mrs. bloom called. She got a bad rash on her back.

- I told her 11:15. - Okay, got you.

Buster's deworming is at 12:30. Misty's kennel cough is back.

I put her in at 1. Afternoon wall-to-water neuters.

You've got the rotary club dinner tonight.

You've got the kennel club breakfast tomorrow.

Okay, push Mr. Carson's workup to 11.

- I will deworm Buster at 12, do the e.K.G. -30.

Move misty to 1:15, and, look, lucky,

you've gotta stop mixing up my charts.

Last week you almost had me neuter Mr. panitch.

Oh, yeah, well, from what I hear,

you'd be doing Mrs. panitch a favor.

Anytime, ladies. Thank you.

No matter how busy he got,

doc always found time to help animals.

Hi. My name is bandit.

- Hi, bandit. How you doin', bandit?

And I'm a stray.

- That's okay. - We're all strays.

I know how hard it is the first time

to get up there, bandit. Take your time.

- Just one paw at a time, bandit. - That's true.

That's right. Never give up hope, bandit.

Never ever give up hope, and not just bandit.

All you dogs, listen to me.

Every dog in here can find a family

and be somebody's best friend.

- Mm-hmm. - Let me hear you say that.

Say, "I am somebody's best friend."

I am somebody's best friend.

One more time again. "I am somebody's best friend!"

I am somebody's best friend!

That's right. That's right.

Also, there's a family out in north beach

that's trying to find a good watchdog --

Somebody that's housebroken and great with kids.

Any of you guys got a background in security?

Oh, that'd be rusty. Rusty's a watchdog.

Who's rusty?

- Rusty, tell -- oh, no. - Rusty.

This better be important.

No, uh, never mind, rusty.

Every zoo in the country had a job for the doc.

He was especially good at matters of the heart.

So how long has it been

since you guys made little baby turtles?

Not that long, maybe 20 years.

It'll be 48 years next Monday.

Okay, I see -- I see the problem here.

I know what to do. But, listen,

I'm gonna give you these pills.

I want you to crush 'em up and put 'em in your food.

Oh, yeah? What do they do?

Ah, yeah, you're lookin' fine.

Comin' at ya, baby.

In fact, he became an international celebrity,

traveling from Alaska to Australia.

I'm here with the world-famous Dr. dolittle,

who actually speaks with animals.

Now, what we're gonna do is sneak up on

and rescue this unsuspecting alligator.

We'll have to be quiet so he doesn't know we're here.

The trick with catching this alligator

is to be wary of those teeth -- huge great...

Hey, dude, see, what I'm doing is allowing Steve to think

that I don't know he's back there,

wait until he tries to grab me, turn on him

and, Bob's your Uncle, bite his arm off.

I'm gonna have to get my arm 'round his neck and hang on --

- Steve, I think he knows we're over -- -shh!

I don't wanna blow the element of surprise.

Now!

- Oh! Oh! - Crikey, me arm!

Yeah, it seemed everybody wanted a piece

of the good doctor, and his family understood.

- Thank you. - Well, most of them did.

But we'll get to that part in a minute.

- Thank you very much! - Right now I gotta answer the door.

Uh...

Yeah, who's there?

Hey, it's me. I forgot my key. Open up.

Well, then I guess you'll have to beg, huh?

Ha! Come on, boy, beg. Come on.

Get it? Role reversal.

'Cause usually it's the human that says to the dog, uh...

I know you better open u p the door 'fore I...

Just open the door, lucky.

Seeing as you're the one who feeds me,

I'm gonna let you in this time.

Okay. Thank -- thank you. Thank you.

Guess who's back from France!

- John? - Hey!

- Hey, sweetie. - How you doin'? Ohh!

Mmm!

I got you a present from Paris.

- That's for me? - Yes, that's for you, for us.

Really? Oh!

Yeah, I can enjoy this present as well.

You know what would be a really nice present, John, though?

- What's that? - If you could keep that flock of your faithful

away from the door. - I'm sorry. I'll talk to them later, okay?

- Daddy! - Hey, baby. How you doin'?

Hi. Hey, look, I got you a little present from Mexico.

- Gracias. - Yeah.

Ooh, I wonder what it is.

Hey, earthquake! 9-1-1!

Nuevo-uno-uno!

Oh, no, no, don't shake it. I wouldn't shake it.

Ow! My spleen! Ooh, that hurt.

- Oh! - He's cute! Thanks, dad!

Hey, this isn't puerto vallarta.

It's a chameleon. You know, it can change color

against different backgrounds you put it on.

The blendmaster is in the house.

I'm gonna disappear like old baby's daddy.

Now you see me... Boom! Now you don't, eh?

- No, we can still see you. - I'm not gone?

I'm not invisible?

Uh, you did remember it's charisse's birthday?

Sure. Did you remember to get the cake from stenson's?

Uh, actually, charisse doesn't wanna have

a family birthday party.

What's that about? I thought we always celebrate together.

- Okay, you have anything green, maybe? - Hey.

- Take this thing to your room, please. - Lettuce. Guacamole?

A zucchini? A big pickle?

- She's got a date. - I suck.

A date? A date with who?

I didn't ask. She's a big girl now, John.

Well, we'll see about this date thing.

Where's the birthday girl at?

Uh, she's unreachable.

What do you mean, she's unreachable? Where is she?

She's in her room with the door locked and headphones on.

You could try paging her.

She's in the house, and she's unreachable?

In the house with her headphones,

and I'm supposed to page her in my house?

I'm-a page somebody in my own house?

Okay, we'll see if I'm-a page someone.

I ain't paging nothin'.

Careful, doc, she's 16. That's a tough age.

Hey! Charisse, open this door!

Do you believe this?

- Hey! - Try her cell.

I'm not calling on the cellphone while she's in her bedroom.

Hey! Charisse! Open the door!

Okay. All right. Okay!

Okay!

Charisse!

Charisse!

Those teenagers, doc.

They can drive a man to drink.

Hey. What are you drinkin'?

Gatorade.

- Oh, really? Give it to me. - Hmm.

Gatorade make wine now, huh?

- Uhh... - You better slow down.

Which one of you is dolittle?

What now?

I have a message from the boss.

From the who?

The boss. The godbeaver.

Now save the questions and come with me.

You guys know the rules.

You just don't come up here on my balcony.

Make an appointment. You make an appointment!

Now go! You tell the beaver to make an appointment

just like everybody else.

I can't tell him that. I'll end up sleeping with the fishes.

How's it gonna look in the paper if Dr. dolittle

throws a possum off the roof? That's not gonna look right.

- Now leave. 'Cause I will. - Watch your tone, buddy.

Charisse!

Talk.

- This is daddy. How are you? - Hey!

I got a couple of questions for you.

I wanna know how come I gotta climb up a side of a building...

- Dad, dad, calm down. I can't understand a word... - And get on a cellphone

to talk to you in your bedroom! - Dad, where are you?

Dad! Dad, what are you doing?

What?! What am I doing?

Because this is the only way I can reach you!

What are you doin' in here? What's all of this?

What's all of that about? You don't do that in public, do you?

Dance? Of course.

That's not dancing. That's advertising.

And what's this about you don't wanna spend your birthday

with your family?

Dad, having dinner with your family

is what you do when you're young,

not when you're turning 16. Besides, I have a date.

Well, you can bring your date with you,

'cause you're coming to dinner. - Oh, cool!

"Eric, these are my parents and my little sister.

They're gonna be joining us on our date."

No, he's gonna be joining us at a family event, charisse.

We have it every year. I don't even know why...

- What's this? - Dad, that's private.

I can see why it's private. It's embarrassing, charisse.

You got two c's and a d on here.

Embarrassing?

Dad, you are the last person

who should be talking about anything being embarrassing.

What are you talkin' about? What's that supposed to mean?

Aah!

Oh, so I'm supposed to stop doing what I do,

stop doing my work and stop helping animals

because you find it embarrassing?

That's not gonna happen.

That's right. It's not gonna happen, so forget about it.

You're comin' to dinner. Look at this.

No cellphone for a week.

Oh, what am I gonna do without my cellphone?

Here are some stamps.

You can learn to write a letter to somebody or something.

You think I care? Look at me. Do I look like I care?

Look, just take -- Do I look like I --

Look at me. No, charisse, look at me.

Do I look like I care? Look. I don't care.

This is unbelievable. You know, she has 50 numbers in here.

- Not one of 'em is mine. - You shouldn't be looking at that.

Why not?

"Biggie mack cell."

"Biggie mack pager." "Biggie mack home."

- Who the hell is biggie mack? - I don't know, John.

I'm gonna find out who biggie mack is.

I don't like that name.

Biggie mack. What the hell kind of name is that?

What is that?

Marcus's cellphone.

- Cellphone? - Mm-hmm.

- When did he get a cellphone? - Last week.

- What are you doing? - Shh!

- John! - Shh! I'm checking out biggie mack.

Hello?

Hey, who is this?

Well, who is this?

Is this biggie mack?

Who wants to know?

Hey, I'm asking the questions here, punk!

- What?! - How old are you?

None of your damn business.

Oh, really, what if I make it my business to find out

how old you are?! - Are you threatenin' me?!

No, I don't make threats!

I'm promisin' you that if you ever --

-is this John dolittle? - Hi. I'm so sorry. That's a wrong number.

That's a grown man that's on the other end of that phone.

I wish I could say the same thing about you.

The door.

- I hear the door. - Go get that door right now!

Who am I, Mr. French up in here?

- Honestly. - I got to get doors?

Hey, Dr. d! Whassup? It's me.

Me? Who's me? Back up, me.

I'm sayin', you gonna let me in?

Dr. d, what's goin' on?

Excuse me?

Remember me? Eric. Domino's pizza?

Extra cheese, anchovies, tomatoes, guacamole...

- Pizza. You're the pizza guy. - Yeah, I delivered that.

Well, thanks a lot, man. What, did I forget to give you a tip?

- I'm sorry. - No, no, no, that's cool.

No, you gave me somethin' a little better than a tip.

I'm gonna take care of you, man, 'cause, you know,

it's nice to have a little -- - hey, Eric.

Whassup, baby? What's going on? You ready?

Whoa, whoa, wait. This is your date?

Dad, Eric. Eric, dad.

Ha ha. My man. Whassup? Whassup?

Um, Eric, mm, no.

We have to stay here with the family and eat dinner.

Huh?

It's cool with me.

Hey, charisse, now don't be like that.

You're gonna ruin dinner for everybody.

Come on, now.

You know what, pops? Don't even sweat that, man.

Don't worry. I know how to take care of this.

Pops?

You know, charisse has always had a mind of her own.

When she was about a year and a half,

she decided she wasn't gonna wear diapers anymore.

- Remember that? - John.

She started having all these little accidents

around the house 'cause she didn't have it down yet.

So we'd have little piles of stuff -

dad, you just had to go there, didn't you?

Come on, this is family. We're talking about old days.

It's cool. It's cool. I'm actually learnin' something.

Really? You're learning something?

You know what's interesting?

You never learned to take off your hat at the dinner table.

- Isn't your head getting hot? - Sorry.

I know mine is getting hot just sitting here

lookin' at you in that hat.

16. Just think, charisse, in 2 years,

you'll be out of this house and on your way to college.

One year, 10 months, 16 days.

You know what? Berkeley's a really close college.

If you went to Berkeley,

you could live at home and you could save money.

That's a good idea, but I've already reserved a u-haul

for the day I graduated high school.

Oh, you've reserved a u-haul already?

Uh, dad, someone to see you.

Yo. Step outside.

Thank you, sweetie.

- Excuse me, darling. - Bye, dad. Love you.

I love you, too. Excuse me, Eric.

- Yeah. - Hey, yo, yo, down here.

- Okay. - All right, now, what do you want?

First of all, let me say, the beaver sends

birthday greetings to your lovely daughter.

Oh, really? That's very nice.

Now you go and you tell the beaver

he's starting to get on my nerves.

Oh, why you gettin' bent out of shape for?

He only wants a moment of your time.

- What if I say no? - I don't think you wanna go down

that road, my friend.

All right, look, you go and tell the beaver

8:00, my office, tomorrow.

Oh, the beaver don't travel for nobody.

He knows you're a busy man, and he'll remember this,

but this is truly a life or death situation.

All right, shut up. Listen. My car, 7 A.M. in the morning.

- All right? - Hey, this is good news.

The beaver likes good news.

Thank you.

Jimmy, get the car!

Come on, blow your candles out and make a wish.

- Whee! Surprise! - Happy Birthday!

There's a mouse in the house!

- Hey, give me that. - I am licking the candles.

Oh, yeah? Well, you can lick my fat, funky, little --

Hey, don't be a piggy.

Charisse, I'm so sorry.

Ooh! Ooh! Hey, watch the fur. Watch the fur, buddy.

We're trying to do somethin' nice for your daughter.

I bet if a cute little kitty popped out,

you'd say "oh, how cute. How cute."

- But you're not. You're not. - Put me down! I wanna --

Listen, you're not a couple of cute little kitties.

- Yes, we are. - You're two disgusting rats...

- No, we're not. - That just ruined the birthday cake.

Oh, so you wanna get personal now?

Well, you know what "rats" spelled backwards is, mister?

It's "star!" That's right. I'm a star, buddy.

Oh, really, is that right?

Well, do you know what "ha" spells backwards?

Uh, no, I don't have --

Ah!

Exactly!

Could it be? Yes, it is!

- Diapers! - And my favorite -- chocolate.

Say "Maya."

Maya.

- Maya. - Maya.

Um, what do you think you're doing?

I think he's about to say something.

Bring me a bone.

And a large order of flies. Supersized.

You will be bring me ham, luncheon meats, cold cuts.

Lucky, out.

Hey, Maya, can I talk to charisse alone a second?

Okay. Come on, boy.

Hey, charisse, look, I'm sorry about tonight.

Okay, I'm thinking about cutting back a little bit

and spending some more time around here with you guys.

Great. Now more animals will be here.

What if we don't stay here?

We can go on a big vacation to Europe, the whole family.

- What about that? - Are you serious?

I'm dead serious. We can go to Paris, Rome.

The Greek islands. We always talked about that.

Let's do it. What do you think?

Is this a bribe?

Yes, this is a bribe.

It's working.

Hey, yo, doc, one other thing I forgot to tell --

- Tomorrow! - What?

- Jeez. - Tomorrow.

- Tomorrow. - Yeah.

European vacation. So, tomorrow. Tomorrow we're going to Europe!

Tomorrow.

So doc, the raccoon, and the possum took a road trip

to meet this mysterious beaver.

Hey, doc, nice wheels. What do you call this thing?

Oh, this is a mustang.

Yo, doc, is there a car named after me?

No, I don't think they make a possum.

Why not?

Not a lot of cars named after rodents.

All right, I wanna go over a couple of ground rules

for when you're in the beaver's presence.

Number one -- No sudden movements.

Number two -- Do not stare at his teeth.

Between you and me, he's got a little bit of an overbite.

I personally think he needs braces, but I'm not a dentist.

Numbers 3 through 10 --

You'll treat him with the respect he deserves.

Capisce?

We're talkin' about a beaver, right?

Hey, tootie, how you doin'? How's it hanging?

Hey, doctor, how are you?

Hey, back away. Back away from him, Jimmy, all right?

Show some respect, you animals.

Excellent. The raccoon got the doctor.

He says he's a miracle worker.

- Hello? - Hey, Paulie, get the boss ready.

Doin' everythin' you say, Joey.

Doin' everythin' like you told me.

I'm just -- I'm gonna go get some acorns.

Yeah, Dr. dolittle, I presume. Welcome to my den.

Would you like a fish?

Oh. No, thank you. I've eaten already.

Hey, the beaver offers you a fish, you take the fish.

- Joey, shut up. - Sorry, boss.

I've heard good things about you

from some of the bay area families.

From the bay area families? Really??

What are you guys, some kind of mafia or something?

Mafia? No. We don't know nothin' about no mafia. Do we, boys?

- Nah, never heard of it. - No, that's a myth.

I'm just a simple fisherman who's blessed with many friends.

Perhaps you'll be one of them.

What do you guys want from me?

Well, I'm losin' my territory.

The other animals movin' in on you or somethin'?

Yeah. The human kind.

They're cuttin' down our homes, bustin' up families.

Word is, they're cuttin' down the whole forest.

Okay, guys, you're talking to the wrong person.

You need to contact one of those nature groups

like the Sierra club or, um...

It has to be you, doc.

You're the only one who knows how to speak human.

Yeah, we can't fight humans on our own.

I mean, they got guns and knives and pullout couches.

Sure, I got rabies. I could bite somebody.

But I can only do so much.

You guys have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

Sure, I do. It's man against nature.

But with you on our side, I like the odds.

Me on your side? I didn't say I was gonna help you.

I didn't say.

Doctor, before you say no,

I would like you to see what we're talkin' about.

It's gone.

Everything gone.

How do you save a forest, anyway?

You know, it's not gonna be easy, John.

I would assume the lumber companies have a lot of clout.

But I do know, if there were a threatened

or an endangered species living in the forest,

there definitely are laws that protect it.

How am I gonna find out

if any endangered animals are in the forest?

Well... You could ask Eugene.

We found an endangered species of bear,

a female whose mother had been killed by poachers.

She's the only pacific Western bear up there.

Well, that's good. One bear has to be protected, right?

Well, no. The lawyers for Potter's logging company argued

that since she's the only one up there,

there's no chance for survival of the species anyway.

- There'd have to be a male, too. - Pardon me.

Why don't we just get a male up there,

get the two of them together, and let nature take its course?

- If I may... - Well, unfortunately,

the only male pacific Western bear... - Psst!

That we could find was raised in captivity.

- Excuse me. - Never been bear raised in captivity

that's been successfully reintroduced to the wild.

They've never had the world-famous love doctor

makin' the introductions.

- Psst! Doctor. - Excuse me a second.

Your man left the barn door open.

- Somethin' wrong? - Uh, the, uh...

Oh, jeez. Hope that bamm-bamm didn't see that.

No, I'm sure. The giraffe is the one that was disgusted.

- I am so sorry. - Yeah.

I know you're really disappointed.

Disappointed? About not going to Europe?

Now, dad, why would I be disappointed?

I made you a promise. I'm gonna stick to it.

If you don't want me to do this, I'll understand, okay?

I can actually say no

and not feel guilty for the rest of my life?

When do we leave?

As soon as we can get a court order to stop the clearcutting.

Who's gonna argue the case?

Wh-why you lookin' around?

Me?

What "me"? Not me. You.

- No, no, no. - Yes, yes, yes.

- No, no, no, no. - Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- No. - Come on, sweetie. For the animals.

- Don't make me do this. - For the animals. For the animals.

- For the animals? - Do it for the animals.

- I don't do animal law. - Do it for the animals.

That's specieism. You're a specieist.

You're a specieist.

No, your honor.

We're simply asking for an injunction

so that we might have the chance to save a species.

Your honor, this is a delaying tactic/publicity stunt.

Saving a species. I have affidavits signed

by a range of experts who all concur

that to take a bear raised in captivity

and reintroduce it into the wild

is, well, dangerous and irresponsible.

Simply put, a bear raised by "circus folk"

wouldn't know how to feed itself or interact with real bears,

let alone make it through its first winter.

No. It would certainly succumb to Darwin's law of nature --

Survival of the fittest.

Actually --

Well, yeah, but Darwin's never met my dad.

Young lady, that's inappropriate behavior.

And just who is your father?

Sir, your honor, that's me. I'm her father. Name's dolittle.

Dr. dolittle.

Dr. dolittle?

Do you feel you could rehabilitate a tame bear

and mate it in the wild with a female?

Yes, I do, your honor.

In that case, I'll grant a one month's delay

on the harvesting of Campbell's grove.

For one month, Dr. dolittle. That's it.

Thank you, sir.

And, doctor, if that bear should so much as set one paw

in a campsite or this town,

I'll rescind this order immediately.

I understand completely. Thank you, your honor.

- Thank you. - Thank you, your honor.

Dr. dolittle, over here!

Dr. dolittle, you speak to both domestic and wild animals.

Can the circus bear relate to a forest bear?

Well, I don't know much about him,

except that he's been living in captivity,

so I'm sure he'll be really happy to return to the wild.

So much for a family vacation.

But doc figured, how hard could this be?

That was before he met Archie.

Ladies and gentlemen,

he's the bear with flair,

the walkin' rug with an adorable mug --

Archie the bear!

They love me. Go.

Archie! Archie!

Whew, big-boned gal, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

You got any action shots? You know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

No, I don't, but listen,

you'd be really lucky to wind up with somebody like her.

Oh, look, I have had so many girlfriends, you know.

Okay, look, I've never had a girlfriend,

but just bring her by. Bring her by on Monday.

That's when I'm dark, okay?

Oh, no, no, no, I can't bring her here.

- You have to go to her. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Go to her? Where? - Um, she's in the forest.

Ooh, uh, I don't play forests.

I'm strictly state fair, small arena type bear.

Archie, do you know what kind of bear you are?

Um, let's see. Yes.

I'm a singer, dancer,

three years' tap, two years jazz...

No, Archie, you're an endangered species.

Hey, is that a threat, buddy?

Because my lawyer will be down here --

It's not a threat. I'm not threatening you.

What I'm saying is that you're a very rare bear.

You're what's called a pacific Western bear.

- You know what that is? - Yes. I know.

Look, I can play any kind of bear.

I've got range -- Grizzly, panda, polar.

Check out my polar -- "I am freezing! It is cold!"

Okay, I haven't made it clear enough.

Let me break it down to you.

Your ancestors come from the mountains of California.

- Yes, blah, blah, blah. - When you were 6 months old,

they took you from your mother and they taught you

to wiggle your hips to a recording of "hound dog."

peace and quiet. No, no. No, I taught myself that.

I admit, I pander 'cause I'm a pander bear! Get it?

- Pander bear. - Yes, funny stuff, Archie.

But listen, what I'm proposing to you

is I'd like to take you back to where

your ancestors roamed, get you out in the woods

and teach you to be a real bear.

Look, I like the bear I am, okay? I'm famous.

Look, have you been in the gift shop?

I have my own beanie baby.

You do this, I promise,

you'll be the most famous bear in all the world.

- Bigger than pooh? - Are you kiddin' me?

You pull this off, they'll be sayin' "winnie the who?"

You've got yourself a bear.

And in what must be one

of the most unusual stories of the year,

Dr. John dolittle is trying to rewrite the laws of nature

by attempting to reintroduce a performing bear into the wild.

And, in doing so,

he hopes to save an entire forest from destruction.

It's Darwin versus dolittle.

Oh, get over yourself.

Governor, I've got two lumber mills waiting for that wood.

I understand, Joe, but it's complicated,

especially if that endangered bear survives.

If I don't meet my quota, governor,

you're the one who's gonna be in danger.

Now, now, j.P. Not to worry.

That ridiculous bear is bound to screw up at least once.

And when he does, you'll have yourself a new trophy.

And I've got just the place to put him.

So we all moved to the forest

and waited for Archie to arrive.

Now, while the family got settled,

it was time I started looking out for number one.

Ha ha! Ah?

Well, this looks like it's as good a place as any here.

Here we go. Ah. The simple pleasures of life.

Holy lord. That wolf is a fox.

I hope I don't have dog breath, you know, from licking my own...

Never mind. Oh, you like that, ah?

Yeah, that was me. Ha ha ha.

Plenty more where that came from, you know what I mean?

Ha ha.

Grr to you, too.

What is that? Some kind of secret wild lady dog code

for "you like me"?

Yeah, I do some dancing.

Here's a little move I call the back scratcher.

Pretty cool, huh?

Hey, hot lady dog, wait.

Where are you goin'? Call me!

And so the big day finally came

and I had a feeling the fur was gonna fly.

Okay, everybody, you all know why we're here.

We're about to try to do something

that's never been done before.

And everyone thinks that we can't pull this off,

and they got their blades sharpened

and their trucks ready to roll.

But we're gonna prove 'em wrong, right?

That's right. I want everybody to put their claws together

and how about a big round of applause

for the bear that's gonna lead the way?

Let's hear it for Archie!

Yeah!

Come on!

Are you ready to save the forest?!

Well, put your paws up.

Put your paws up. Come on, now.

- Put... - Is this some kind of joke?

Hey, I wanna go serious on you for a second.

I know I've got my work cut out for me,

but with your help, I know one thing.

Now. Go.

Everybody!

We're dead.

Never more.

This show's over.

Well, let's go fool around.

You got your work cut out for you, doc.

Okay, I'm done. That's good. Turn it off.

You're not a real bear.

You're Wayne Newton in a bear suit.

It's so dirty. Look at my paws.

Yes, it's the woods, Archie. Its chief component is dirt.

Wait. Hey, doc, is that her? She's a babe.

- Yeah, that's her. - Oh, look at the way she moves.

Oh, man.

I'll tell you what. I'm gonna go over there and introduce you.

- You just wait here, okay? - Yeah, good.

Hey, tell her I really dig her fat pouch, but don't be crude.

- I'll try to work that in. - Okay. Good.

Wait. Hey. God.

Oh, are you coming over here?

I'm a little busy... Foraging.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hello. My name is John.

- I'm Ava. - Hi, Ava.

That's a pretty name, Ava. Nice to meet you.

- Hi. - Hey. Quick question, Ava.

How would you like to meet the man of your dreams?

You're real cute, but I don't go interspecies.

Oh, no. I'm not talking about me.

I'm talking about -- I shouldn't have said "man."

- Oh. - I should've said "bear."

- Okay. - How would you like to meet the bear of your dreams?

Look at that big -- What do you think

of that big, magnificent hunk of bear over there?

Um, I don't think I see him.

Oh, is he standing behind that dork?

Oh, no, he is...

Look, let me explain to you what's going on, all right?

There's a logging company

that's gonna tear down this whole forest -- everything.

- Oh. - And the only thing that can stop 'em

is if I can get two pacific Western bears together.

You're a pacific Western bear, and so is he.

And if I can get the two of you together,

and you made little pacific Western bears, then...

You see where I'm going with this?

Uh-huh, yeah. Look, no offense, but I don't talk to bear pimps.

Hey, wait a minute. At least let me call him over

so you can meet him, please?

Hey, Archie, come over here.

Hey, Johnny, there you are.

Come on, man, I thought we could go work out. Jeez.

- Okay, Archie, you're on. - What do I say to her?

Get to know her a little bit.

Tell her a little about yourself.

Hi, I'm Archie.

I like moonlit walks on the beach,

uh, sharing slop buckets with that special someone

and soulful sounds of the backstreet boys.

You're very weird.

Weird as in sexy?

No, just... Weird.

Hey, Archie, Archie, uh,

why don't you let me take it from here?

- That was good. - Okay.

Damn!

So, Ava, what do ya think of Archie? Cute, huh?

- Oh, don't make me eat you. - Stop that.

I know he's a little uncomfortable

around the female species at first, but if you give --

That's not even really the point.

See, I need a real bear --

Someone who can hunt and protect and provide for me.

Oh. Okay, I can understand that. Yeah.

And, you know, I'm already involved with someone.

Really? You have a boyfriend already?

- A bearfriend. - Yeah.

Are you in love with this bear?

Love? Look, my cousin married for love.

And the next thing she knows, he's two-timing her

with this hot little grizzly in a cave up north.

- Okay, so you're not in love? - No.

All right, let's make a deal.

Don't make any decisions for a month.

I'm gonna go work with Archie.

In a month's time, I'm gonna turn that bear into a bear

that you will be proud to have little bear cubs with, okay?

Check it out! I've flipped for you!

Pine cone.

- Hey. - Hey. Mm.

Mm. Perfect night.

Mm-hmm.

Sittin' out here, breathin' this fresh country air,

and just listenin' to the crickets chirp.

Yup.

Hey, you know what the crickets are saying?

Dad, I don't know what the crickets are saying.

I don't speak to the animals.

You're the one who understands them, not me.

Little monkeys don't come up to me and ask me for a 40 ounce.

I don't say "can I help you, little animal?"

Do you need a shot?" I don't do that, dad.

- Hey. - I'm up in my room, listening to music.

- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Do you see me talking to the animals?

Hey, hey. Slow it down a second now.

I was just gonna tell you

that the crickets are nature's thermometers. That's all.

Now you can tell how cold it is by how fast they chirp.

Okay.

It seems a little cold out here, doesn't it?

Yeah. A little nippy.

Maybe I need to go get my vest. Yeah.

Oh!

Yo, fake Dr. dre and snoop, man.

Hey. Hey, get a tune-up, man. Get a tuneup.

Yo, whassup, baby?

Hey, Eric.

Mmm!

Hey! Hey! You left your homie!

- Whassup, Dr. d? - I don't know, Eric.

Maybe you should tell me what's up.

Yo, man, I came to visit.

I figured since y'all love me so much,

that I was gonna stay a couple days, if it was cool.

Oh, no, no. Hell, no. Charisse, I don't understand.

What's not there to understand, dad?

Um, Eric with bags. I don't understand that.

Well, he's staying here for a couple nights.

- Mama said so. - Oh, your mother said so.

- Yes, mom. - Oh, okay, Eric,

you're gonna have to be on the floor in the living room

in a sleeping bag on the floor,

if you don't have a problem with that.

Uh, and, by the way, Eric, I'm watching you.

And not just me. You know, I got eyes all around the woods.

You know, I talk to the birds, right?

- Thanks, dad. - Yes.

- Watch your back. - I hear you.

- Yeah, you feel me? - Yeah, I feel you.

Okay. All right. I'm watching! I'm watching you, Eric.

I'm watching your back!

Bears are opportunistic eaters,

finding food wherever they can...

Can we please see what else is on?

No, we can't see what else is on.

You need to watch this, Archie,

to learn how to feed yourself and survive during the winter.

What is he doing, diggin'?

You never even wondered

what your sharp claws was for, have you?

Uh, no.

Bears are excellent swimmers.

Not this bear.

I know you're not gonna sit there and tell me

you don't know how to swim.

Wait, you haven't heard? There's a new invention.

It's called... The boat.

Okay, that's the last straw.

Tomorrow morning, we're gonna get up at the crack of dawn

and I'm teaching you how to fish.

How about noonish?

Unbelievable.

And so began the bearathon, a training mission so grisly,

so unbearable, so hairy... Okay, that's enough.

All right, Archie, let's do it.

This river's full of fish. Let's go.

Yup. So is red lobster.

Hey, don't look at me. Look at the water.

That's where the fish are.

They're moving. Oh, man, one just touched me!

- What just touched me? - Look, you big furry baby,

I want you to put your face down in that water right now

and grab a fish!

- No. - Archie, I want you to do just like you saw on TV.

Put your face under the water and catch a fish.

You can do it! Come on, man. I'm here with you.

Go under the water.

All right! I'll try it.

All right. 1, 2, 3.

That's it!

That's Archie.

- Whassup? - Whassup?

- Whassup? - Whassup?

Oh, fellas, whassup?

Okay. Okay, get one.

Archie!

Hey! Archie! Archie!

Okay, Archie, now you tell me how smart you have to be

to lift your head out of the water when you can't breathe.

I saw a light. It was a bright light.

It was beautiful.

Okay, that's it. We're gonna take you on

a little trip right now that's gonna toughen you up.

- Come on. - What? What?

We're gonna find something even you can catch. Come on.

I saw my grandma.

Go on, eat.

- Oh. I... - Come on, eat.

They're -- I don't eat the...

I'm good, thanks.

Okay, am I close?

Cold.

Use the force.

Colder? Warmer? Arctic.

So, how's it going?

I think it's going great.

I'm not even gonna need three weeks.

Honey, look, he's already foraging grapes, right?

Why's he walkin' away from 'em?

He's not walkin' away from them. He's circling the grapes.

Why? Are they dangerous grapes?

No, no. The grapes aren't dangerous, Eric.

Seriously, where are the grapes?

Don't worry. He's doing great. We're right on schedule.

Ah, gettin' dizzy! Aah! Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh!

I'm okay! The concrete broke my fall.

Definite bruise.

Now explain this again.

I'm supposed to climb in to a small, dark space

and sleep for six months?

Yes, that's what bears do. It's called hibernation.

Sounds more like depression. Wait, how do I eat?

Well, you don't eat. What you do is, uh,

you eat a lot during the summer,

and that lasts you throughout the whole winter.

Where do I go to the bathroom?

Well, there's no going to the bathroom.

What? You're kidding.

I'm serious. What you do is, a week before you hibernate,

you start eatin' things like dirt and moss

and hair and grass, and it forms a big, big plug in your, um,

it plugs up your -- your, um, well, you know.

It blocks my butt?

Yeah, blocks it all up with this big, nasty, hairy plug

of hair and grass.

Big, nasty plug.

Whoa, wait.

So you want me to sleep for six months

with a big cork in my butt?!

Yeah, that's the idea of it.

Okay, goodbye!

- Hey, Archie! - See ya later.

- Archie, come back here! Archie! - Nope, I'm gone. See ya!

- Hey, headin' South? - Archie, listen,

nobody's gonna pick up a hitchhikin' bear.

Look, I'll split the gas and sit in the back with the kids.

Come on, now, Archie. Stop it.

Sorry, doc. This isn't workin' out.

I almost drowned. Ava doesn't like me.

Hey, I'm sick and tired of your complaining, Archie, okay?

Look up in this tree. What do you see, huh?

- Bird. - Right.

A bird in his home. And on the branch below him,

there's a squirrel in his home, and down there by the fence

is a little rabbit in his home.

All these animals are depending on you.

Okay, you can do this. Just listen to your inner bear.

Okay, just trust him. He'll tell you what to do.

Just trust him, Archie. Come on.

Okay, but I gotta tell you,

my inner bear has a problem with the butt plug.

All right, that's it. I'm gonna show you what happens

to animals who don't have a home. Come on.

Hello, Clarice.

Uh, doc, this isn't really necessary.

It's time for a little tough love. Come on.

Looky here. What's the matter, boy?

Couldn't make it on the outside?

- Hey. - Come on in, powder puff.

- Go on in there. - What? What? Why?

There's a couple of bears inside that wanna meet you. Go.

- Come on. - I'll just sit over on that side of the cell.

All right.

I'm tired of this madness.

Aw, don't be scared.

- I'll bite you! - Yes. Dolittle. Oh, hi, honey.

Don't like to hunt or fish?

Do know what I would give to be out there in the forest

instead of in this dump? - God. Doc!

- Whoa. Do I hear someone talkin'? - No, no.

See, that's the problem with kids today -- no respect.

Kid thinks he knows my life.

I think he needs us to teach him a lesson.

- No, no, I just... - I'm gonna give him a bear hug.

Get over here, let me give you a bear hug.

Get on over here, tiny.

No, actually, it's going quite well.

Yes, I think I finally got this under... Control.

Hey, Lisa, let me call you right back.

Doc, apparently everyone in this place loves musicals.

I'm kidding. I get it. I'll try harder.

Meanwhile, while the cat's away the mice will play.

And by mice, I mean teenagers.

- Are your eyes still closed? - Yes.

Here they come.

You did all this?

- Well... - Okay, boys. This is it.

Remember what the doc said?

If this punk tries anything fresh,

we let him have it. Capisce?

I got wings, legs, tacos, whatever.

Taco? Did somebody say "taco"?

No, no, blend in! Blend in!

You're gonna blow our cover!

Charisse, there's somethin' I've really been meanin' to do

ever since we got out here.

Oh, really? What's that?

This.

- Now! - Mwah!

Ew!

He French-kissed me! Blech!

Now that worked out nicely.

The drinks are on me, Jenny.

Meanwhile the doctor gave Archie and me

some lessons of our own.

Could you leave a little for me?

Because technically it is my --

Just a thought.

Hey! What's goin' on here?

I've been so blessed,

I feel I should give back to the hot lady dog.

No, look, you don't have to put up with that.

Hey, get outta here! Ha! Go. Ha!

That is one hot fox.

What's the matter with you two, huh?

Don't you know that every female

is looking for the strongest male?

But what about personality?

I'm gonna die a virgin.

Look, shut up and listen.

The strongest male is called the Alpha male.

Now the Alpha is the big boss.

He wants everybody to know he's the boss male.

You have to be him -- The boss of all the males.

The Alpha male. You have to learn how to --

How to walk like the Alpha male.

- Walk the walk. - Walk the walk.

That's right, and talk the Alpha male talk.

I'm still on the walk.

So it's about power and respect.

It's about pure, unchecked, uncompromised

testosterone-driven male power.

John, didn't I ask you to line the garbage pails?

You line 'em your damn self, woman!

- What? I'm so sorry, honey.

I was talkin' to the animals. I got a little riled up.

I was teaching 'em something.

Stop messing with those animals

and go and get us something to eat.

Okay, I'm on my way. Gonna get the food right now, honey.

- Go. - On my way.

Way to go, Alpha male. Talk the talk.

- Shut up! - Who are you telling to shut up?

I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them.

I was talking to the animals. I'm going to get the food.

You sure you don't want another one of these things?

No, I'm fine.

Okay.

I got a question for you, Archie.

Let's say you spend your whole life in show business, right?

What's gonna be your big finish?

Every act has to have a big finish.

Big finish? Check it out. "San Francisco bee" ==

"the best thing about Archie's act is

when it's finished."

No, I mean in life, you know?

Who you gonna share your success with?

Your hopes and your dreams and your fears and failures?

I'll tell you what.

Everything I do wouldn't mean anything

if I didn't have my wife and kids to go home to.

Sometimes I do get very lonely.

- I've never been in love. - Okay, this is your big chance.

You know, I think Ava really likes you.

What. Did -- what -- Did she say something?

What'd she say?

Well, you know, you gotta learn

to read between the lines sometimes.

She loves me? I knew it!

Hey, let's not get carried away. All right, Archie?

I feel like I'm about to burst.

So this is what love feels like, right?

Oh. Or maybe it's the marshmallows.

Yeah, I think it's the marshmallows

'cause you ate a whole bag of 'em.

Doc, tomorrow you're gonna see a brand-new bear.

You know what, Archie? I think I'm gonna call it a night.

Don't go. It's a little scary out here for me.

Just... Can you stay here till I fall asleep?

Okay. I'll wait till you fall asleep, then I'm leaving.

Hey, doc?

Yes.

Um, can you leave that light on?

Okay. Light stays on.

I'll keep these here, okay?

Night, Archie.

Night, doc.

If you want a marshmallow, you just gotta ask me, okay?

Look out, Ava! There's a new Archie in town!

Oh, yeah, that feels good!

Feel it comin'.

Feel the burn!

Feel the wind.

Feel the muscle cramp! Ow! Aah! Ow!

Come on, Archie. Don't quit.

Dig deep. Come on. Let's go. Come on!

I think I pulled my butt muscle.

Ouch. It stings. My butt stings.

Here, could you rub my butt? Could you rub it, please?

Rub my butt. Back here, rub my butt.

Please, rub my butt.

Doc finally realized he was never gonna make Archie

fast enough or strong enough to impress Ava,

but maybe -- maybe he could make him sweet enough.

Wow. How could anybody be so beautiful?

Why don't you go down there and tell her that?

Uh, I don't know. I... Oh, my...

What is that?

Oh, that's Sonny. That's her little bear friend.

She told me about him.

But he's a kodiak bear.

Hey, don't get discouraged, man. Listen, you can win her over.

The key to winning a woman over

is you just figure out what she likes.

- Like, take my wife... - Please!

Hey, don't do that. This is serious.

I'm sorry.

My wife, she -- She likes to be surprised.

You mean like jumping out the bushes, screaming?

No, nothing like that. They like romance.

Do something romantic, something that says,

"I'm thinking about you all the time.

You're always on my mind," you know?

Wow, that's really nice.

You do stuff like that all the time?

I used to.

But lately I've been, you know, all...

You know caught up in this, so I guess

I'm a little out of practice.

My candles, my fruit, my cheese, wine. Perfect.

What are you doing?

Oh, hey, honey.

I'll tell you what I was doing right now.

This is -- it's all about you tonight, baby.

Yes. I sent the children off to the movies,

and the bear is camping in the woods.

We're all alone.

Oh, yes. All alone.

One second.

No, you cannot see me.

I am at one with the couch.

I am blended perfectly, interwoven into every fiber.

I... Whoops!

- Come on. I can give you some pointers. - Found him.

No more intrusions.

Come on, it ain't no fun if the homies can't see nothin'.

Now where were we?

Well, you were thinking a few candles and some wine

would make up for ignoring me for the last few days.

I'm sensing a little resistance,

and I took that into consideration.

I know something you won't be able to resist.

Is this our wedding song?

That's not fair.

Is this the first thing you ever danced to as Mrs. dolittle?

The show is about to start.

What show?

It is. It truly is.

Oh, he is so good.

Let me tell you. He scratched my belly the other day.

My leg went crazy.

Hey, what's goin' on?

Apparently, he's truly, truly in love with her.

Hey, doc, give her some garbage. Chicks like garbage.

How about planting a little sugar on Dr. d's lips, huh?

I think I can do that.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.

- Go, doctor! Go, doctor! - Oh!

Aah!

He broke her.

Hey, get outta here, all of you!

Aw!

This ain't no peep show.

But this is really helpful. I'm learnin' a lot. Truly.

Just get outta here. We'll discuss it tomorrow.

Uh-oh. Busted.

You're gonna discuss what tomorrow?

Well... Well, I was...

I was... Well, baby, why don't we just...

Why don't we just pick it up where we left off, huh?

- Baby? - Hmm?

Why don't you sleep on the couch?

Uh, wait, what'd she say, doc?

She said that she loves me so much,

I get to sleep on the couch.

You're the man.

Yes, I'm the man.

I'm the man on the couch.

Psst! Hey, doc, homeo's on the move.

His hormones are raging.

There he goes.

Hold it.

I was only goin' to the bathroom. Uhh!

You can hold it. I know that trick.

Hey, baby.

Hi. What's wrong with your voice?

You're lookin' mighty fine.

So why don't you plant some of that sugar over here on my...

On Archie the...

Oh! Oh, no.

Is that our song?

Um...

Whoa! Aah!

Ow! Hard ground! Back.

You should maybe learn how to climb trees, truly!

That's a bruise!

Hey, come on out of there, Archie.

Never!

Look, I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

It was the most humiliating thing I've ever done!

And I once rode a unicycle in a tutu! A tutu! God!

Okay, I understand, but we can fix this.

We just have to work a little harder.

No, I'm just gonna stay here and hibernate.

Tell him to stay in there. We'll make our own bear suit.

No, Archie's fine.

Good, 'cause we were wondering would it be all right

if every animal in the whole entire forest

stays with you next week?

All right, Archie, I'm not playin' anymore.

I want you to come out here right now, you big coward!

Uh, excuse me, who are you calling a coward?

You. I'm calling you a coward.

You're a big coward for quitting like this!

- Oh, it's hard. - You know what hard is, Archie?

My wife is mad at me! My daughter's mad at me,

and I'm spending my vacation with a pizza boy

who greets you by saying. "Yo, Dr. d, whassup?"

Now I'm standing here, listening to a big, furry baby crying,

telling me he wants to quit 'cause it's too hard!

Well, Ava laughed at me.

Oh, boo-hoo. "Ava laughed at me.

I love her and I need her and she laughed at me!"

You know somethin'? You don't even deserve Ava.

Why should Ava have to spend the rest of her life

with a coward like you?

Hey, don't poke the bear, buddy.

Well, I didn't poke a bear. Because if I poked a bear,

a bear would be maulin' me, so I don't know what I poked,

but it sure as hell ain't no bear!

- Hey, I'm warnin' you. - Oh, yeah? And I'm pokin' you.

- Hey, stop it! - Fine. Poke, poke, poke!

All right, that's it! Uhh!

Archie, it hurt.

Hey, that felt good. Bearlike.

Hey, Archie, you know what? You're beyond my help.

You just take your ass back to the circus!

A bear? Whoo-hoo! I'm a bear!

I'm the Alpha bear!

Bears say "grr," right?

What happened to you?

Archie!

I, you know...

Potter called.

He wants to make a deal.

Just listen to what he has to say.

It's for you, madame.

- Thanks. - So, does Sonny bring you fish?

No, not a fish. Usually about a hundred.

A hundred? Wait. No. He can't carry that many.

Okay, but does Sonny tell you

that you have the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen?

Does he promise to fill your life with love, poetry, laughs?

No. No. Mostly he just asks me when I think I'll be in heat.

Prince charming, huh? Yeah.

So when is -- When is that?

Do you wanna go for a walk?

With you or alone?

- With me. - Okay.

This isn't a walk. We're running.

Why do we always have to run?

Yup, there was love in the air.

Be the man. Be the man.

Be... The... Man.

Hey, now you listen to me.

Yeah, that's right. You're in my house now.

Yeah, my house.

Also my house.

All these... Are... My houses.

Hey, you're a lucky girl, you know that? Yeah.

You're the lucky one, not me. You. Yeah.

Hey, hey, you wanna go out with me tonight?

- Or would that be good, or... - Hey, wait a minute.

What do you think you're doing?

Who? Who, me? No. I'm not doing anything.

I'm just, you know, assuming the position.

Hey, you marked my tree.

Oh, no, I would never do that. I would never mark --

Mark your tree. I don't even know what those words mean.

I drank a lot of water.

I'll tell you something about water --

It goes right through me.

Come on, it smells like lemonade.

- Oh, yeah. I see your point. - Oh. Ahh.

Yeah, yours is very, very strong.

It's like -- like ammonia.

I'm actually getting dizzy, to tell you the truth.

Come on, let's beat it. We're leaving.

Well, you two are going? Well, have fun.

Have fun. You make a very handsome couple.

God, I hate myself.

- Wow. - Yeah.

You know, bears have died trying to reach that hive.

Well, if you want it, you got it.

Oh, please, don't even think about it.

- That's not funny. - No, I'm gonna get it for you.

Archie, I'm serious. Don't. It's too dangerous.

- Okay. - Promise me.

Okay. I like you, Ava.

I like you, too, Archie.

Aw. What are you girls doin' over here?

Sonny, don't.

Beat it, circus boy.

- Sonny. - Oh, you keep your yap shut.

Ha! Your charm is matched only by your odor.

And what does that mean?

Oh, that just means you're a malodorous ignoramus.

- It's nothing, really. - What is he sayin'?

I'm confused. Now I don't like bein' confused.

Yeah, he really doesn't.

Really? Well, you'd think he'd get used to it, huh?

Let's go, Ava. Tryin' to confuse me.

Ava, don't go. Look, maybe you can do better than me,

but don't do worse. I thought you liked me.

- Of course I do! - Come on, Ava.

But you'll always be a city bear,

and I need more than that.

city bear. Great.

Should we, uh, put all our cards on the table?

Of course.

This bear you brought up here has as much likelihood

of making little bear babies as Riley here.

Ain't gonna happen.

On the other hand, thanks to you,

I'm not exactly drowning in favorable publicity.

So here's my offer.

I will set aside 10 acres, turn it into a sanctuary.

You can bring all your little animal buddies there.

Plus you'll be saving face.

You won't have to admit you failed.

You don't look like a fool.

Look, 10 acres is ridiculous.

That's the offer.

The deadline is Wednesday at 12 noon.

Let me be clear. At 12:01,

we'll be sending in every logger,

every piece of logging equipment we've got.

By Friday, there won't be a tree standing.

I need to run this by my wife.

Excellent idea. There's a pay phone in the back.

Excuse me.

Calling the wife. Always a sign of weakness.

Yeah.

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hey, Johnny.

What are you doing here?

Doc, I know what to do. I got my big finish!

Look, come in here, quick.

All right.

Hey, I don't think I'm allowed in here.

Okay, listen.

I gotta tell you, this thing is over.

I'm just sorry I dragged you into all of this.

I'm gonna have to get you an audition in Vegas

or something, you know, 'cause these guys offered me a deal,

and it's the best I can do.

No, no, the best you can do is not give up on me, doc.

Come on, you told me. "Listen to your inner bear."

- Remember? - I don't know, Archie.

Look, I know how I can win Ava!

Okay. I know I'm nuts or something,

but I'm gonna give it another shot.

- I'll give you one more chance. - Yes!

- Yes! - Okay, let me get over there.

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Uh-oh! What? What's the problem?

- Ice cream's acting up. - What ice cream?

I got depressed after Sonny and Ava, and I went on a bender.

And by the second gallon I realized

I'm in love with Ava

and this ice cream called "cherry Garcia."

Hey, don't you dare throw up on me.

Oh! That's not where it's gonna come out. Ohh!

Wait, wait, wait. Watch it.

You gotta do that, sit down on the toilet.

I can't hold it! Hey, wait a second!

No, you gotta lift the lid up first.

Oh! This is not gonna be big enough! Oh, boy!

You'll be fine. Just sit there.

- Oh! - You sit there. I'm gonna keep guard outside.

- You just take care what you gotta take care of. - I don't think it's --

Hey, how you doing? I'll be with you in a second.

I'm gonna take care of business.

Sure. Who are you talking to in there?

I'm talking to myself. I was, you know,

sometimes you gotta coax it down.

- Right. - Give myself a little...

Sphincter a little pep talk. Excuse me. Come on down, you.

- Oh, my God! - I gotta stay in here with you.

- Okay. - Let me get the window open or something.

- This is crazy! - Don't do nothing till I get the window open.

- Uh-oh! - The window only opens a little bit.

That's not gonna be enough. That's not gonna be --

Oh! You're doin' it, aren't you?

- There she goes! - Wow.

Whoa, it's worse than --

-it's worse than I imagined it would be. - Whoo!

Archie!

Oh! Archie! You just had ice cream?

- Yes! - That's not just ice cream.

- That's not just ice cream. Archie! - Ah, whoo!

- Oh, Archie. - Oh, it ain't that bad. Come on. Whoo!

Gentlemen, uh, no deal. Thanks for your time.

Hmm? Was that me?

Can you hear me, pepito?

Stop staring at me. You're giving me a complex.

I'm trying to blend.

Well, if you can hear me,

can you change to the color of this table?

What do you think you're doing?

I think he understands me.

Well, if he understood me,

I'd tell him how sick I am of all these stupid animals.

Oh, that really hurt.

Well, if you can understood me,

I'd tell you to do something about those dandruff flakes.

It look like Christmas in July.

I hate this place.

So young, so angry. Damn that rap music.

- Hey. - Hey.

So? How'd it go?

Well, I told Potter no deal.

Well, I thought it wasn't working with Archie.

Well, Archie's got an idea. He thinks he can win Ava over,

so I'm gonna see this thing through.

So that means we're stuck here? Oh.

- Charisse. - Hey, charisse.

Hey. Charisse.

Hey, it's a long walk back to the city.

- Hmm. - Hey, we're not getting along too good, are we?

I wanna go home.

I wanna go home, too. We're going home,

but there's something else that's bothering you, isn't it?

I'm not saying it's all your fault.

Maybe it's my fault. Maybe it's a phase or something

that you're going through, but something's bothering you.

Okay, and your mother thinks you got a problem,

and you're not telling us about it.

No.

You sure? There's nothin' bothering you?

- I'm sure. - Charisse.

- I'm fine, dad. - Okay. Now, 'cause you know,

I'm not saying you do have a problem,

but if you do have a problem, we always --

We work things out, right? - Right.

You cool?

Cool.

All right.

But your mother was a little worried and I was --

- Tell her I'm fine. - Okay.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- Dad? - Yes? Yes.

I knew it. I knew something was bothering you.

What is it? Come on, talk to me.

Come on. Talk to me, really. You know, daddy to daughter.

Break it down. And you can cry.

Whatever. We cry together if that's...

What is it?

- Nothing. - Stop.

Must be the mountains messing me up, 'cause...

I'm fine.

- You sure you're all right? - Mm-hmm.

She's all right!

You have your little space.

- I'll be in the house. - All right.

Okay.

Talking time's done. It's time to be bold for Ava.

He's goin' after the hive! He's goin' after the hive!

- Who? - Archie.

- Who? - Archie, you idiot. Jeez.

Boy, this cliff's a lot higher than I remember.

Bye-bye, species.

So this is your big plan, huh?

Archie, you get back here right now! Come back in!

No way, doc. I'm gonna do this or die tryin'.

That bear is one bad mother.

Archie, what are you doing?

Archie, you get back in here right now!

Come back here! Stop playing.

I don't think I'm gonna win Ava by eating a bunch of worms.

I'm never gonna be more woodsy than Sonny.

I have to show her how much she means to me.

Yeah, and if you fall, it's gonna prove

that you're stupid and dead, Archie!

What's goin' on around here?

Oh, the circus boy's got a new trick!

Quiet, Sonny.

- Okay, I got it, I got it. - That log ain't gonna hold him.

And I know logs.

Okay. Whoa!

Don't move, Archie! Don't move!

- Careful. Careful! - I'll buy you the honey.

- Oh! Oh! Oh! - Break. Break.

- This was not a good idea. - Archie, get down!

I'm fine! Oh, oh! Bees.

Hold still! I'll try to talk to 'em.

Work something out. Don't you move!

- They're stinging me! - Oh, no, don't sting.

Don't sting! Guys... Hey, bzz, bzz! Bzz!

I can't see! They're stinging. Get away from me! Get away!

- Attack! - Attack!

No, no, hey, stop!

- Defend the hive! - Hey, Archie!

- Get the little guy! - Little guy!

- Protect the hive! - Attack!

Banzai!

- Banzai! - Banzai!

Archie! Archie! Hey! Hey!

- Archie! - Archie, get back in here!

Jump, circus boy.

Go suck a salmon.

Ava, I got it for you!

Good job, Archie! Way to go, Archie.

Yeah! You did it!

Yeah! That kid's got moxie.

I love him.

Okay. Okay, what's the matter with you, huh?

What did you do something like that for, huh?

Are you crazy?!

I could have got that hive if I wanted it.

Come on, Ava, before I get mad.

Sonny, we're not workin' out, so take a hike.

Honey?

Yeah, babe. What's up?

No, I meant would you like more honey?

- Oh, no, I'm good. - Okay.

So, ready to talk about preserving the species?

Well, we could talk.

Or you could count to a hundred and come and get me.

Okay. Counting. Great.

Um, 1, 2...

1, 2, 3...

That's impressive. He's really counting.

Come on, focus, focus. Uh, 1...

Maybe I should stay in the open.

1, 2, 10, "g," "h," "p."

Green, orange, fish...

- Pace yourself. Not so fast. - 1, 2, 3, 10...

Uh, 5-teen. Okay! 100!

Ow! What's happenin' now?

- Daddy. - Hey.

Daddy's back.

What is it? What happened?

It's Archie.

Okay, folks, let's move it back now.

We got a wild animal comin' through.

Wild animal comin' through.

I know you've all seen the show "when animals attack."

Have you seen when animals wake up and attack?

Now, there's nothing more dangerous

than a half sedated, half unsedated bear.

They have big, sharp teeth and claws...

Excuse me, I'm Dr. dolittle. What happened in here?

Oh, well, he broke down the back door,

and then we found him ransacking the kitchen.

- No. - Yeah.

Sorry, Dr. dolittle. I was rootin' for ya.

All right, let's move it out! Shaw's over! Let's go.

Hey, Archie, it's me. What happened?

Eh. I was so close, doc.

It came out of nowhere, and...

Are you ready to save the forest?

The good news is we're setting aside 10 acres of forest.

We're calling it

the Dr. dolittle wildlife sanctuary.

We're very pleased about that. Ah, speak of the devil.

Dr. dolittle, can we ask you a few questions?

You know, you think you've won this thing, Riley,

but you haven't.

Fine. We'll just level your forest and call it a tie.

Thanks very much, folks. That's it for today. Thank you.

If only I had an eyewitness. Did anybody see what happened?

Yeah. We got one problem. He's a friggin' weasel.

Oh, really? What'd he do?

No, I mean he's an actual friggin' weasel.

Hey, weasel, the doctor's here.

Okay, you know what? That's Mr. weasel.

Hey, well, Mr. weasel, did you see what happened to the bear?

Ooh, the big scary bear. Did I see what happened?

Did you see anything or not?

Okay, here's the deal.

You give me that shiny wristwatch of yours,

and I'll tell you what you need to know.

- You're such a weasel. - Oh, thank you.

Look, Potter's people set Archie up. I got a witness.

An animal? You can't offer them to evidence.

Well, you got any better ideas?

Well, I'll stall for time.

Maybe we'll get a private investigator.

Those trucks are ready to roll. They're gonna ship Archie

and ship him off to a zoo in Mexico.

John, if you go on the witness stand,

Riley is gonna tear you to shreds.

- Well, what do I have to lose? - Your reputation.

Look, I don't care.

I'm not giving up on those animals this easy,

not without a fight. Excuse me.

Your honor, we admit it was a setback,

but we would like one more week to rehabilitate the bear.

Might I suggest perhaps counsel would like to admit

the animal into the Betty Ford clinic?

Or the yogi bear clinic.

What if I could prove the entire thing was a setup?

That would be a very serious allegation.

Do you intend to present evidence?

We have an eyewitness.

Your honor, can I address the court just for a minute?

Go ahead.

Sir, we have an eyewitness who'll testify

that they heard a gunshot,

then they saw a truck backing up to the area

where the shot was fired.

Is that witness here in the courtroom?

No, not in the courtroom with us because, um,

he's, um...

He's a weasel.

Order.

Your honor, I know this -- This seems very unreasonable,

but I can talk to animals,

and one of them did come forward with this information, sir.

Your honor, if it pleases the court,

I have no problem allowing Dr. dolittle or counsel

the opportunity to question the eyewitness.

I would just ask for a brief recess

so that I have opportunity to get a camera.

I'd like a snapshot of the animal being sworn in.

That's enough.

Does the weasel need immunity? Because certainly

we could provide animal protection programs.

That's enough.

Dr. dolittle, I will not allow you

to make a mockery of my courtroom.

The deadline has passed. Motion to extend denied.

That's a shame.

You hate to see it.

Uh, Dr. dolittle, up here.

Dr. dolittle, can you tell us what the weasel said?

Hey, doc, okay. Come to get me out?

Um... Sort of.

Sort of? What do you mean, "sort of"?

Well, I couldn't really prove your story, Archie,

- so they, um... - What? They what?

They think you're too dangerous to be set free, so...

Yeah? What?

They sold you to a Mexican circus.

Ay, chihuahua.

Archie, I am -- I'm so sorry.

For what?

For everything. You know, dragging you out here,

putting you through all this stuff, giving you hope.

I feel like I ruined your life.

Ruined my life? Doc, you gave me a life.

You're the one who taught me about love,

and no one can ever take that away from me.

Hey, charisse.

What are you doing down here?

Mom wanted me to tell you

that her motion for an appeal has been denied.

Well, we knew it was a long shot anyway.

Archie, at least you'll be back in show business.

Yeah, that's not what I want anymore. I just want Ava.

I know you want Ava.

Well, maybe I wasn't meant to be loved.

Everybody is meant to be loved.

That's right. Everybody is meant...

Charisse.

Oh, my God.

Charisse, since when?

Couple of weeks now.

At first it was kind of fuzzy,

but, uh...

Now it's really clear.

And this is what you've been keeping from us, right?

I didn't wanna say anything, dad,

because I didn't wanna become a freak.

No, you're not gonna become a freak.

Not at all.

Hey, look, when it started happening to me,

I got scared, too. You're just looking at it the wrong way.

This is a good thing.

How?

Look at all the good that's come out of it already.

What good?

Look at us, like this, huh? How about this? Huh?

Mmm!

Hey, guys, now I know what I've been missing -- a family.

I guess that's something I'll never have.

Dad, you gotta help him.

Isn't there something that we can do?

And it's not just him. I mean, it's all the animals.

There's so many of 'em.

Yeah, there are so many of 'em.

You guys have given up, haven't you?

Hey, what am I gonna do? I'm 6 years old.

I'm not a young beaver no more.

Besides, we've been livin' in this forest how long?

About a hundred years we've been shakin' down this forest, boss.

So we had a good run.

Look, I tried to do this by myself, but I can't.

So if you guys wanna save your homes,

you're gonna have to help me.

And whether or not you believe it,

you guys have enormous untapped power.

I'm serious.

Whenever talk about the best of the best,

it's always an animal expression.

You got a heart like a lion or you're as strong as an ox.

He's got eyes like an eagle

or he can move swift like a gazelle.

Or you stink like a skunk!

- What? - Sorry about that, man.

I'm just trying to make my point here.

What I'm trying to say is we can do this! We can do it!

Just don't give up without a fight.

Let the word go out from sicily to seaworld --

The trucks don't move, capisce?

- The beaver's right! - Yeah!

All right! Yeah!

Yeah!

Hey, kids, I'm gonna have to ask you to move!

- No! - No?

Listen, don't start with me.

Everybody, take your positions!

Hasta LA vista, baby.

Roll 'em up!

I ain't never seen nothing like this before.

None of them have any milk.

- What? - All of 'em are dry.

What's wrong, Annabelle?

- Strike. Strike. - Strike. Strike. Strike!

Here's your eggs! You want 'em scrambled?

Strike! Strike! Strike!

Okay, let's go get the frisbee. Come on, go get it!

Oh!

Strike. Strike. Strike.

- Come on, give me that leash. - Strike, strike, strike!

Whoa!

Hey, Archie, all the animals are working together.

You'll be out of here in no time.

It's ridiculous.

Animals can't organize.

You may wanna take a look at this for yourself then.

All over the world, animals have organized.

They're striking in Paris, Texas.

In Paris, France,

in Brooklyn, in Mexico, and in Canada.

I'm sure I'm gonna regret this in the morning,

but maybe you should talk with dolittle.

And what?

Give in to a bunch of beasts and lower life forms?

I took on the democrats!

I can take on a bunch of animals.

Charge!

Oh, no!

Go on!

- Come on! - Watch it.

- Go on, beat it. - Retreat!

Go on. Huh!

Medic!

Organized.

We have two bogeys bearing Alpha, tango, niner.

We are locked on target, squad leader.

- Do you hear something? - Commence bombing.

Roger that, sir.

Well done, men. I got your wing, iceman.

Party ain't over yet. I want the short one.

Sir?

Don't make any sudden moves.

Gotcha.

Aah!

Attack! Lock and unload!

Poops away!

Firing number two.

Let's return to base and reload.

Sir, you, uh,

- you've locked the... - What?

You've locked the door, sir!

You might wanna...

Sir!

- I think you should run. - I'm an attorney.

- I was -- - Yeah.

- I'm not with him. - Run.

There he is again! Get the little guy!

- Banzai! - Banzai!

Not the face!

No, please. No, no. I'm sure we can work something out.

I'm just reaching for my phone. I'm gonna call Dr. dolittle.

Oh, whoa, whoa, no sudden movements,

or I'm gonna bite you in the cannolis.

Uh, hello. The number for Dr. John dolittle, please?

Not Stuart little. Dolittle.

Dolittle. Oh, Mr. Potter. How are you, sir?

Oh, I could be better.

I'm here with a couple of your friends.

I know you can't possibly believe

that animals are organized.

Uh, well, you know, I don't know what to think anymore.

I'll tell you what. Let's put our cards on the table.

I will be more than happy to set up a meeting

between you and these animals

so you can work out your problems.

- What?! - Hey, look, it's the only way

you're gonna be able to save face

you won't have to admit you were wrong,

and you can get out of this thing

without looking like an idiot.

Okay, okay, look, anything. Just - just call 'em off.

Okay, all right, listen. Put the raccoon on the phone.

He wants to speak to you. Make it short.

Hello. Yeah.

No, no, no, I got it under control.

Hey, we'll call youse back.

First off, let me say that I am here only as a mediator

and these negotiations will be between Mr. Potter

and the representatives

of the united animals of the forest local 534.

Yeah, let's come to order.

- This is my new proposal. - All right.

What's the stipulations, doc?

What kind of territory we lookin' at?

It's only, uh, 12 acres here. It's 12 acres.

I got your 12 acres right here, pal.

Hey, they like it.

I'll give you somethin' you like. Like this.

I think that's a "no."

Or "hell, no," maybe.

Meanwhile, the strike kept growing.

Even the pros were getting in on the act.

The last few runners left

to load now for one of the biggest spectacles

of the year -- It's derby time.

Last horse is in, gates closed.

And away they go!

Hell, no, we won't go! Hell, no, we won't go!

- Hell, no, we won't go! - Run your own stupid race.

- Come on. - You try running a mile.

Don't even think about reaching for that whip, shorty.

Ladies and gentlemen, sham...

This is shamu!

Nah, I don't feel like jumpin' through any hoops today.

Any of you guys?

Nope, nope, not me. Not today. I just ate. Unh-unh.

Mr. Potter, I hope we have a deal now.

- All right! - All right, doc!

- Yeah! - Good job.

Taught him everything he knows.

Vive le bear! Vive le Archie! Vive le docteur! Ha!

Come on, give me a bear hug. Come on.

No, absolutely not, Archie.

You're not leavin' here until you get a bear hug.

All right, all right, give you a hug. Just a little one.

- Come on. - Okay, all right, that's it.

All right, Archie.

Archie! You're crushing my spine.

Archie!

Bye-bye. Drive safe now. Buckle up.

- Hey, Archie, you in there? - What?!

Hey, doc.

Hey, man, I just stopped by to say so long.

Oh, thanks for everything.

You are quite welcome.

Archie, I'm ready.

Ah, she's in heat. Excuse me, doc.

Gotta go save the species.

Ohh. Go do your thing, Archie.

Yeah, Archie. Archie!

Oh, Archie.

Yeah, it was quite a summer.

Hey, doc!

Hey, lucky, what are you doing?

What am I doing?

Hmm. Let me phrase it this way.

Ahh.

You, too, huh?

And charisse and the doc were closer than ever.

Oh, come on. Cheer up, pepito. You'll get it eventually.

No, I won't. I will never blend in.

- I have a broken blender. - You will blend in, trust me.

- You will blend in. - How?

How will pepito ever blend in? Pepito sucks.

Aah!

Look at me! I'm blending in!

I'm invisible!

That's right. You're invisible. Great job, honey.

Did you ever doubt me? The blendmaster is back!

- How about that? - I am king of the third world!

Hey, can we do the whole house like this?

It's very feng shui!

But the best news of all came the following spring.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Kids, come on. Hey, hoo! Hoo!

Over here, kids! Hoo-hoo! Over here. Okay.

Now, it's step, step, turn, kick, step.

Papa, I thought it was step, kick, turn, step, step.

Come on, kids. We open in six weeks, okay?

- I thought you retired. - Uh... I did, honey.

We're just playin'. Okay, now, from the chorus. 5, 6, 7.