Original subtitles

- Mom? - Hey.

What are you doing?

I'm helping Jeremy sell candy

so his marching band can go to the nationals.

Thanks, mom.

And if he's the top salesman,

he wins a pizza party for his homeroom.

Uh-uh-uh!

No eating the profits.

You're the coolest mom ever...

Also my top seller.

Jeremy, you shouldn't be doing this.

You're telling me.

You know how difficult it is to move cigarettes nowadays?

Nobody smokes anymore.

- Where did you get these? - They fell off a truck.

I just happened to be there

with two Russian guys and another truck.

Jeremy, I don't approve of your lifestyle.

And so far, we've agreed to disagree about that,

but I am warning you...

don't get mom involved.

Your weakness makes me want to punch you in the balls.

The cops will never suspect her,

plus she's got all that extra room in her minivan.

She's the perfect mule.

Jeremy, I'm your older brother,

and I feel like I ought to give you some guidance right now...

Here, take this, wet your beak,

and keep your mouth shut.

oh, now you're bringing cigarettes into the house?

No, dad...

I won't have cigarettes in the house.

Your mother and I quit right after you were born.

She was smoking while she was pregnant?

Oh, you bet she was.

All right, get them out of here.

I don't want to have Jeremy

exposed to that stuff. Fine.

Dad, I wanted to show you something.

I've made some progress on the $385,000 I owe you.

- You made some money? - Not that kind of progress.

I made this.

Check it out.

There's $385,000.

There's where we are today... zero.

Right? But I'll put it on the fridge.

It'll help us keep track

of all the progress that we're making.

And here is my first installment...

$30. Great.

What's all that red at the bottom there?

Oh, that's foundation. That's base.

What's base?

Base is all the things

you can't even put a price tag on.

You know, love and hugs and smiles

and familial loyalty

and a positive attitude...

the sort of things that I bring to the table

before dollar one.

Erase it.

Erase it now!

Harder, a little elbow grease.

It's... it's a computer printout.

That's not... they don't... it's not how it works.

Hey, guys, I had the weirdest dream last night.

I was being chased through the woods

by Mr. peanut, and he was pissed.

You should've hit him in his monocle.

Or knocked out his cane.

Yeah, yeah. Attack the weapon.

You always attack the weapon, Glenn.

Yeah, I know.

I thought of that, but it seemed too risky.

I just laid down and did what he said.

What did he tell you to do?

He...

nothing.

I had a rough morning.

One of my students asked a question

that wasn't on the curriculum.

I just faked a Charley horse till the bell rang.

Long story short, papa needs booze.

Hey, Josh's dad,

one bloody Mary.

- We don't serve alcohol. - I'll pay double.

We don't have a liquor license.

Okay, what I'm trying to say is,

I am willing to pay up to $4.00

for a bloody Mary.

I'm a teacher. I need this.

Believe me, I wish I could charge you $4.00

for 15 cents worth of vodka.

Every time an alcoholic leaves this place

with money in his pocket, it pains me.

But legally, I can't do it.

Ah, Chris Henkel,

just the man I'm looking for.

- Hello, Mr. Mayor. - Yeah, listen,

I got the old colonoscopy this afternoon,

so I will need my favorite deputy Mayor

to fill in for me.

You know, answer the phone,

sign for packages, what have you.

It's my honor to serve. Godspeed, sir.

That city auditor has been so far up my rear end,

I wonder if the doctor will see him up there.

Just kidding. Ed's a good friend.

So while I'm unconscious,

you'll technically be Mayor.

So don't forget the first rule of politics.

Don't screw up.

Good guy.

Good guy.

Hey, I didn't know you were deputy Mayor.

Ah, it's a volunteer position.

It's a sweet deal, though.

I only have to go to one meeting a year,

and I get a handicap placard for my car.

This is big. This is very big.

Did you hear what the Mayor said?

When he's unconscious, you're gonna be the Mayor.

Josh, he's not serious.

Technically, I'm the Mayor, but I'm not really the Mayor.

I do this every year.

I just sit in his office

and look at his daughter's cheerleading pictures.

It works.

Yeah, but he is gonna be unconscious,

and you will be in charge.

I don't think they knock you out for a colonoscopy.

Yeah, they do.

We don't even know how long the procedure takes.

24 minutes.

Glenn, you sure do know a lot

about getting a colonoscopy.

Yeah, because in my family,

there's a long history of ass cancer.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just trying to make a veiled homosexual joke.

I had no idea about your family's problems

with their turd chutes.

It's okay, man. You didn't know.

Guys, we have to focus.

Chris is gonna be Mayor for 24 minutes.

Look at us.

Can you think of three people

better suited to be in charge?

No, I can't.

Chris, this is your chance at greatness.

This is your chance to really make a mark.

I say you take big lake by the lapels

and shake it up, Mr. Mayor.

We'll hold its arms, and you slap it around.

- Yeah, we're gonna give this town a belly-to-back suplex

and follow up with a sunset flip.

We're gonna chain it to a radiator

and beat it down with a phone book.

We'll file down this town's fingerprints,

knock out its teeth,

and leave its body in the swamp.

- To big lake! - To big lake!

Big lake!

You know, you're right.

We're not gonna squander this opportunity.

We're gonna bring about change.

We're gonna help those in need.

We're gonna listen to those without a voice.

You know, all the things Barack Obama said

when he tricked me into voting for him.

This is not gonna be politics as usual.

This historic moment needs to be captured on film.

Meg, can you take a picture of us?

Yeah, you guys look like idiots.

Do you want me to take another one?

No, no. For us, that's pretty good.

Yeah, I like it.

Yeah, I'm gonna get a print of that.

Hey, dad, good news.

I think I found a way to get you that liquor license.

Josh, this restaurant is between a church

and an elementary school.

I got a better chance opening a methadone clinic

where topless ladies sell guns.

Yeah, but all of a sudden,

I'm best friends with the Mayor,

and that cuts through a lot of red tape.

You'll get your retirement money back in no time, I promise.

Is this like when you promised

that if I let you invest my life savings,

it would be impossible for me to lose money?

It was impossible.

That's why it was so surprising when it happened.

Hey, guys, this is exciting stuff, huh?

Hells, yeah.

We're gonna own this town.

I'm actually a little bit nervous.

Last time I had this much responsibility,

I lost two students on a field trip.

That's the flaw in the buddy system.

Your 24 minutes have begun.

Congratulations, Mr. Mayor.

I like the sound of that.

So I had this idea.

Hold on. Slow down.

Um, excuse me, miss?

As Mayor of this great city,

my first order of business

will be the French dip, fries, and a milkshake.

That may have sounded like a joke,

but, really, I do want that.

And don't forget, the city's paying.

Yes, Chris.

It's "mr. Mayor."

Okay.

Okay, I gave the candy to the Russian men,

and they said they would pay you next week.

Oh.

Okay.

All right, I'll go back.

I'll tell them, "this is not amateur hour,

and Jeremy doesn't play around."

Got it.

Ooh. Oh, dear.

Mom? Mommy, what's going on?

Mom?

Damn it.

Vladimir, Yevgeny...

So I had this idea.

Remember when you couldn't get that bloody Mary?

Oh, dark days. Dark days.

What if you could?

What if you could get that drink?

I like where this is going.

- Cheddar creek with a full-service bar.

I'm not talking just beer and wine.

I'm talking top-shelf liquor.

- Cheap stuff too? - Yeah.

Cheddar creek needs a liquor license.

I've already got the paperwork.

Should take less than 15 minutes,

and that'll give us nine minutes left

to talk about health care.

Ah, my mayoral fries.

And you remember, the city's paying for this.

I remember, Mr. Mayor.

- Mm-hmm. I like her.

Or we can go with my plan.

We'll get our cops to start a fight

with the cops from a nearby town, right?

Then we'll get it on Youtube, right?

And while they're fighting,

we'll steal the cop cars and get a smash-up derby going.

Glenn, right now I'm just focusing

on the sandwich part of my tenure.

Hey, could you do the Mayor a special favor

and get some ketchup?

Yeah. Sure, man.

I'm cutting Glenn loose.

Is this about the fries?

It's not about the fries.

But he took all my fries.

Glenn is our friend.

Of course, he's our friend, Josh.

But, Josh, he's also a felon.

You understand the implications of that, Josh?

Why do you keep using my name?

It's a campaign trick. Hard to shake.

You've never campaigned.

- Josh, he's an ex-con,

part of the known criminal element of big lake.

He stole my fries. You saw that.

What else could he steal?

I'm not going down with him.

And guess what, Josh. What?

That you're getting out of control?

You're mad with power?

Well, you're the one who opened this door in me.

You're the one who unleashed this.

So if you want your liquor license,

which I'm inclined to do,

I suggest you get on board this train.

Chugga-chugga, choo-choo.

Here you go, guys.

Glenn, you know how much I appreciate

everything you've done for my administration.

I got the ketchup.

Took you a long time, but you did.

I had to marry the bottles.

So I see.

Glenn, you're an ex-con,

and I'm the Mayor,

and I can't afford to be seen talking with you.

I'm sorry.

But we're buddies.

Josh, tell him.

I'm sorry, Glenn.

Well, I'm glad Josh could clear that up.

I'll accept your resignation immediately.

Well, I'm out of here.

I'm not even gonna give you guys

the satisfaction of watching me cry.

Chris, I have to say, you've changed.

Hey, you're either rolling in it,

or you're eating it.

I'm done here.

Let's go check out my new office.

We can park in the handicapped spot.

Hold on, Josh.

I got to kiss a baby.

Hello, baby.

That's right. Sorry, what... what are you doing?

I'm kissing your baby.

No, no, you leave my baby alone.

I'm the Mayor, and I'm kissing your baby.

I don't care. Stop!

Hey, I'm gonna kiss your baby, damn it!

No, you can't touch my baby.

- Mm, pucker up, kid. - Stop!

Hey! I'm kissing your [Bleep] baby!

Hey! Language!

What kind of freak are you?

It's amazing, isn't it, Josh?

That two worlds can be separated

by three feet of oak?

Men on my side, making things happen.

People on your side, waiting for things to happen.

Okay, I'd like a half-pepperoni, half-sausage,

crazysticks...

You want anything? No, I'm good.

Uh, and throw in five calzones.

And put a rush on it.

I'm in a little bit of a time crunch.

All right.

I don't mean to hurry you, Mr. Mayor.

It's just that there's only 16 minutes left in your term.

The liquor control board lady is right downstairs.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Uh, now, Josh, before I push this through,

I'm gonna need your dad to name a sandwich after me.

What are you talking about?

Well, if I take a lady on a date

and she looks at the menu and orders the "Chris Henkel,"

that's a sure panty-melter.

That's gross.

What kind of women are you dating?

Oh, they're all pretty easy.

Now, Josh, I want to okay this liquor license,

for you and for your dad...

Hell, for me.

I'd love to get hammered at cheddar creek.

Hot food, liquor, and a toilet?

That's one-stop shopping.

So why don't you do it?

You have the opportunity to make a difference.

What happened to helping all the people without a voice?

Yeah, you know, I thought about it,

and I decided to go with politics as usual.

Turns out, it's usual for a reason.

It's easier and a lot more fun.

I have to say, Mr. Henkel, I'm disappointed.

No, Josh, I'm disappointed in you.

I was grooming you to be my deputy Mayor,

so that if I ever got a colonoscopy

at the same time the Mayor got a colonoscopy,

you'd be in charge.

But forget it now. You blew it.

What's wrong with you?

No, don't try to apologize.

It's too late.

You're out, Josh.

Now be gone.

Fine.

But I'm leaving behind

this liquor license application.

I hope you'll make the right decision.

Good. I needed something to doodle penises on.

Remember what they say, Mr. Mayor...

"absolute power corrupts absolutely."

That doesn't even rhyme.

and then I said to him,

"absolute power corrupts absolutely."

That's good, but it doesn't rhyme.

That's what Chris said.

Yeah, you should have said, like, uh,

"righty tighty, lefty loosey."

You can have that one.

He's drunk with power,

also I think probably regular drunk too.

Are you even listening to me?

- Y-yeah. Why is there a giant penis on your fridge?

It's a thermometer, Glenn,

to chart how much money I owe my dad.

Nobody's penis has a perfectly round ball at the end.

Yeah... Right.

Politics...

It's a funny game, isn't it, Glenn?

Yeah.

So if you were gonna go to a doctor about your penis,

would you go to a special penis doctor

or... or, like, a regular doctor?

Josh, we've got a situation.

- What happened? - You, beat it.

Oh, you got it, Jeremy.

How far should I go, like a mile?

Look at me, asking questions.

But a mile's okay? I'm asking...

hey, take it easy.

The cops got tipped off.

I think it was because mom left the Russians a thank-you note.

What happened?

They impounded mom's car

and got all my cigarettes.

That's a lot of merch, Josh, a lot of merch.

Wait, where's mom?

Yeah, they... they got her too. That's the other thing.

I told you not to get her involved!

She's a big girl.

She knew what she was getting into.

No, she didn't, 'cause you told her it was candy!

Relax. Mom can do two years standing on her head.

She's a rock.

Our mother's gonna be in prison for two years?

Don't get emotional on me.

If you've got a solution, I'm listening.

Otherwise, go play with your toys.

Hey, I see what's happening here.

You're asking me for help.

I am not.

Jeremy, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm your Big Brother.

So if it's riding a bike

or getting mom out of jail or help with your spelling words,

I'm here for you.

All you have to do is ask.

Fine.

Can you help me get mom out of jail?

What's the magic word?

Can you help me get mom out of jail, [Bleep]?

It's "please," man.

"Please" is the magic word.

Is this V.I.P. gentlemen's club?

Okay, I'd like to order a lap dance

for delivery to the Mayor's office.

And on the receipt,

make it out to "normal Mayor business."

Oh, there's my pizza.

Got to go.

Hello, Chris.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

I see you're delivering pizzas now.

- We're not delivering pizzas. - Oh.

I've come to ask you for help.

Is this about your liquor license?

You got some big balls coming here.

Really? I'm already worried about my tip.

I'm not here to talk to the Mayor.

I'm here to talk to my friend Chris,

a guy I used to look up to.

Yeah, Chris, you've been a real dickweed.

I don't know if I'd use that word necessarily.

I might say gluttonous, selfish, lazy.

- I don't know if I'd use t- no, Glenn's right..

I have been a dickweed.

I guess I was trying to make myself feel big

by making other people feel small.

I screwed it up,

just like I screw up everything in my life.

- Chris, don't say that. - Two failed marriages...

I thought it was one.

- A horrible liar, a dead-end job,

rented pants... it's bad.

It's real bad.

About ten years ago, I met this girl.

Did not meet the profile of a girl with a penis at all.

She didn't have an Adam's apple,

that's the first thing I always check.

I really want to hear this story.

I mean, I do, but I can't right now.

My mom's been arrested.

I need you to get her out.

You know I can't do that.

Come on, Chris, we don't have much time.

I know I came to you before with a "want,"

but now I'm coming to you with a "need."

Sometimes ordinary men

are called upon to do extraordinary things.

Let's go.

Ahh.

Mom, I was so worried. Are you okay?

Jail was fun.

If you act crazy enough, nobody bothers you,

so blblblbl!

I wish someone had told me that.

It was well worth it.

Jeremy is spending a week in...

Bogota!

Oh, thanks, mom.

I'll be sure to send you a piñata.

Who's hungry?

- I can always eat. - Yep.

Family, huh?

Come on, listen, I know you're not gonna say thank you,

but you're welcome.

Bring it in. Come on.

Listen, uh, here's 500 bucks.

Let's, uh, call it even.

Nope, nope. I want the hug.

And I'd rather keep things between us on a cash basis.

- Oh, oh, got ya. - Oh, come on!

That's a hug. We're hugging

- no, I don't want this. - Now we're hugging.

Come on, we're brothers.

Oh, boy, I need one of those.

No, you're not getting in on this, either.

No, no!

Your face is so close.

Will you look at that?

The picture we took when we first went into politics.

You kept that?

Of course. Look at us.

Were we ever that young?

I was a lot thinner then.

There's so much hope in our eyes.

We thought we were gonna make a difference.

What happened to us?

Power happened.

I wish we could be

those three guys in that picture again.

We can be.

Gentlemen, I hereby resign as Mayor of big lake.

- But, Chris... - No, I've made my decision.

It's a funny thing, to lead men.

You're always surrounded by people,

yet you never feel more alone,

gs of wax and dreams.

- Chris? - Hmm?

Your term ran out an hour ago.

Oh, good. I was out of material.

Hey, can I get a bloody Mary?

We can't serve liquor.

Oh.

I should have done that thing you said.

Oh, well.

Corrected by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

So your penis has a bunch of red lines on it?

Yeah.

And where does the pee come out?

Here.

And...

Where does the other stuff come out?

Here.

Dude, has a girl ever seen your penis?

Um, I try to keep the lights off, you know?

Yeah, but I would have to imagine

they pick up pretty quickly

that something's seriously wrong.

Some chicks dig it.

Whatever that part is

is almost definitely full of blood.

The tip is, which is normal,

and then the rest is like, there's no blood,

so it just dangles.

I feel like it's hard for me to know what we're talking about

if you don't... I got to kind of see it.

You don't have to see. What I'm telling you is,

that's exactly what my penis looks like.

Like, when I saw it,

I was afraid you broke into my house

and took a picture of me while I was sleeping.

Wait, it's this big too?

Yeah, I have it rolled up like a snake.

Like cylindrical? You roll it up?

It coils? Yeah, it has to coil.

With a penis like that, what are you gonna do...

leave it hanging out of your pants?

Well, of course not.

I coil it like a decent person,

and then I wear, like, uh, swimming trunks

to keep it all, you know.

Dude, I'm thinking special penis doctor.

- Yeah? - Yeah.