Original subtitles

- [Laughs] - Oh, damn!

Wolverine is a badass.

He's like lebron James with an adamantium skeleton.

Hey, if you guys could have your own superpower,

what would it be?

Ah, that's easy.

I'd want the superpower to fly like "Supermen."

Do you mean superman?

Yeah. "Supermen."

When they created the comic,

they didn't tell you how to pronounce it.

You know, I'm not saying he's not a super man,

but I mean, when you read it, it's "Supermen."

You're making him sound Jewish.

Well, I'm not saying he's Jewish, but he could be.

He was created by a couple Jewish guys.

Yeah, I mean he became a man at 13,

got into journalism, changed his name from Kal-El,

which I'm pretty sure is a variation of Cohen.

I mean, there are layers here.

Wow. Superman is Jewish.

Hey.

Don't mean to interrupt girls' night here.

You guys giving each other makeovers

and talking about your periods again?

[Laughs] He burned you guys.

You wanna hang out wi us tonight?

We're fantasizing about what our superpowers would be.

Nah, my vagina's in the shop.

Sorry fellas.

You guys got toasted again.

He's including you in that too.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Damn. - Hey, what do you have there?

It's a box of go [Bleep] Yourself.

Those look like completed s.A.T.S.

It's because they are completed s.A.T.S, Josh,

for a price.

I could get you into Harvard.

If you're on a budget, party school in Tampa.

I got some Indian spelling bee champ churning these out.

Oh, baghwan meshtiti.

This is ridiculous.

How can mom and dad let you live like this?

Why can't you be a normal kid?

Yeah, like bandu meshtiti. Baghwan's brother.

Chris, you're not helping.

Jeremy, you're missing out

on the best part of your childhood.

I went to Aruba last year. I think I'm doing okay.

Hey, listen, I'll be late.

Don't wait up. And don't lock the door.

And after you boys are done having sex with each other,

don't forget to febreze the couch.

I love you guys, I really do.

I can't believe my parents think that I'm the bad kid.

You're not bad. You're more of a loser.

Like rahul meshtiti, the shame of the family.

I know that.

But try telling that to my dad.

Josh.

Shut up so my good son can get some sleep.

Okay, you guys gotta go.

Yeah, I'd better get home.

I stole a bunch of sandwiches from the cafeteria last week.

I goa eat that tuna tonight. Are you in, Glenn?

- Oh, hell yeah. - Good night.

- Take it easy, man. - Good night, guys.

[Scoffs] And good night, Jeremy.

Sync by mczolly www.addic7ed.com

- Good morning every...

Uh-oh.

Yeah, for once, you're not the screwup.

Your mother caught Jeremy

sneaking into the house at 5:00 A.M.

Really? Is that so?

The diet pills are giving me night terrors.

So I'm up avoiding the hooded beast

and I come downstairs and I catch Jeremy

climng in through the window.

Linda, you're taking too many pills.

But they help me relax!

What the hell is an eighth grader doing out

at 5:00 in the morning?

Great question, dad.

What the goddamn [Bleep] Were you doing?

- Linda, lin... Linda.

Dad. I told you.

I was doing algebra homework with Brady

and I lost track of time.

Then when I got home,

the door was mysteriously locked.

How weird. That's funny how that happens sometimes.

Really? Doing algebra homework.

Then why do you reek of beer?

Brady's dad is an alcoholic and he's a hugger!

That's a weak excuse. Weak.

I feel like I don't know you anymore, Jeremy.

Look how you're dressed.

You look like a homosexual from the future.

- Yeah, or like... Like a troubled kid

from the present who needs to be set straight.

Let's do this.

I am so goddamn mad!

Dad. I screwed up. But it was only this one time.

Oh, really?

Or this just the one time you got caught?

Oh, my God, this is so good.

Oh, this is our fault.

You know, we just haven't been focusing enough on him.

Since your brother's been home,

it's probably taken even more attention away from you,

attention you deserve.

Stay strong, dad. You're doing a great job.

Shut it!

Jeremy, this is you screaming out for supervision.

Well, a message received loud and clear, little man.

We are not going to let you become a statistic.

Your mom and I are going to be more attentive parents.

Finally.

Because I cannot risk another son

turning out like Josh. Is that necessary?

I cannot feel like I have brought two joshes

into this world.

I didn't do any of this.

I mean, one Josh, shame on you.

Two joshes, shame on me.

[Rock music]

Jeremy? Are you okay?

Mom and dad were so mad at me.

Are they still here?

No.

You're a dead man.

I'm gonna stab you in the liver and watch you bleed out.

- What? - You heard me.

Get your hairless balls over here and take your beating.

Okay, "a," they're not that hairless.

And "b," you deserve this.

How could you do this to me?

You need to be stopped. You're growing up too fast.

Carl grounding me is your fault.

And it's costing me a fortune.

In my line of work,

every week I'm off the streets is a lifetime.

- 13-year-olds should not have a line of work.

You needed this.

Being a kid is a magical time.

You have no responsibilities.

But it doesn't last forever.

Take advantage of it.

I am.

Every felony I commit is cleared off my record

when I turn 18.

I only have five productive years left.

Then I'm going to film school.

Look, Jeremy, I, I feel like

if you actually tried being a normal kid,

you might actually like it.

I don't know how. They figured out my game.

I only have three moves.

Rugby shirt, backpack with a brick in it,

and this lisp, which cost me $3,000 to learn.

No, see, that's acting like a kid.

You need to be a kid.

Then you need to help me.

I'd love to.

'Cause I know that somewhere in there deep down

is my innocent little brother

just waiting to be let out.

And who knows?

Maybe you'll wanna stay a kid forever.

That's a bulletproof vest. Yeah.

Jeremy.

You have to understand, the whole fun of bumper cars

is to bump cars.

You can't get out of your car

and stab the other guy with a house key.

Yeah, but he disrespected me.

He bumped me from behind.

I didn't mean to disrespect you, Jeremy.

What can I get you guys?

Uh, I would like one coffee, black.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Kids don't drink black coffee.

We'll have three suicides, please.

Ooh, big boy drinks.

So, uh, who's tappin' that?

Tappin'? What's that mean?

Hey, Jeremy,

I don't know if dad's had the talk with you yet.

I'd be willing to have the talk anytime...

No? Great.

- Do you... do you want me to give you the talk?

- No. - I'll have the talk.

Three suicides.

Wow, you guys are real grown-ups.

- What are these? - You kidding?

They're suicides.

Every soda in the house in one cup.

It's... it's delicious and disgusting at the same time.

Mm, kind of like [Bleep].

Is there anything else I can get you guys?

Actually, Meg, uh,

there's seven things that I would love.

They're all numbers and they have to do with your phone.

- Oh... Are you hitting on me?

No way. No way.

I'm just a kid being a kid, right, Josh?

But on my 18th birthday,

I would love to see your expression

when you wake up to the feel of thousand-thread count

cotton sheets in a beachside suite in Fiji.

It would be a birthday gift we would share.

Aw, poor little guy.

Here comes his first rejection.

Ooh, and it's written.

Cold.

Talk to you in five years.

Oh, and, uh, Meg. I'll pay for these.

This isn't the number she gave me.

When I dial, it's dogs barking jingle bells.

It's $3 a call.

It's getting expensive.

You know what you need?

Friends your own age to hang out with.

Let me borrow your keys.

With a van like Glenn's,

I can round up four or five kids in no time.

Glenn. I need a favor.

Uh...What type of favor?

Relax.

Since Carl's got me on lockdown,

I need somebody to sort of step in

and help with the day-to-day operations.

I don't know, Jeremy.

Josh wants you living like a kid.

Glenn, Glenn.

It be a real shame if your mom found out

what happened in ocean city last summer.

Okay, I'll do it.

All right, this guy's a little bitch.

He's gonna cry, give excuses,

tell you a sob story about how he's broke.

But I need you to be hard.

You need to be hard-boiled.

- I can be hard-boiled? [clears throat]

- That doesn't sound hard-boiled.

- I can be hard-boiled.

All right, Glenn.

All right.

How can I put this in the simplest of terms?

You owe money.

I'm here to collect.

I've got the money.

I just don't have it per se.

Listen, I've heard it all before.

I'm not your therapist, I'm not your friend.

- You are my friend. - Let me finish.

I'm not your wife, I'm not your dog,

I'm not a friendly wood cutout of a chef

in front of a cafe.

I'm a bag man. A messenger.

And my one-word message is this.

Pain.

Damn. You're scary, Glenn.

- Really? - Yeah.

Especially when you were standing over there

on the corner with the shadows across your face.

It was terrifying.

Yeah. The voice is based on cookie monster.

Ah...

I'm trying to find a nice balance

between, like, fear, but also keep it entertaining.

- I think it was both. - Should I run it again?

No, no, I get the picture.

Listen, how much did you borrow from Jeremy, anyway?

$500 in singles.

One positive note?

Making it rain at a strip club...

Off my bucket list.

Was it fun?

Well, I got trampled by five women in stripper shoes.

I got a staph infection in my back

from a high heel puncture, but overall, yeah,

it was pretty fun.

Listen, Chris, I don't wanna do this.

Hey, I'm not really into it, either.

Huh, what are we gonna do?

Well, you gotta buy me a couple days.

Uh, say you found me, worked me over real good.

Maybe, uh, smacked me around

with a pillowcase of oranges.

You know, no bruises.

- He'll love that. - I know, I know.

Uh, I begged for my life, but you wouldn't listen.

Then what happened?

Uh, and then I promised to get the money,

but I skipped town. Went to Jamaica.

Oh, great. Jamaica. Uh, where are you staying?

Uh, sandals. It's all inclusive.

Whenever I lie about going to Jamaica,

that's where I stay.

- Sounds nice. - It is.

Based on the website, it is.

[Rock music]

Seriously, guys, you never get in a van

with a stranger.

What were you thinking?

Especially you, man.

You yelled "shotgun"

as soon as I showed you chocolate.

Who are they?

These are your new best friends.

These kids all go to school.

I picked them out

because I thought that you guys might share

some similar hobbies and concerns.

I mean, really, Josh? Look at these kids.

They're barely off the teat.

I feel like a pedophile hanging out with them.

Just give them a chance.

Come on, guys. Get in there.

- Hi, I'm Jaden. - I don't like to be touched.

All right, uh, make yourselves comfortable.

Sit down.

So, um, what do you guys like to talk about?

That whole bank reform thing is a load of crap, huh?

What?

Wait, are you liberals?

So... You're Jeremy's friends.

Yeah, dad, I'd like you to meet Jaden and, uh,

big guy and friend number three.

Wow, colorful nicknames.

They used to call me green beans.

Yeah, these guys, they're just here to hang out, you know, dad?

We have a lot of homework to do.

Oral reports are due tomorrow.

Hey, you wanna go back in the van?

Have fun, fellas.

But, uh, stay out of trouble.

Look at our boys.

And you, proud lion.

Staring out over your cubs protective and majestic.

[Laughs] Yeah, it feels pretty good.

They grow older and they play and they spar.

They're jockeying for the attentions

of the Alpha male.

Yeah, I think Jeremy's got the edge.

Yeah, then one day, as you age and weaken

and they get stronger, one of them's going to attack.

It's gonna bite you at the base of your neck

and separate your spine from your head.

And bring you the sweet relief of death.

Good lord, Linda.

That is dark.

Oh, relax.

It's probably not gonna happen.

[Roars softly]

- Okay, guys, I've prepared an age-appropriate activity.

I'm not going to be playing doctor with you guys.

No.

It's called settlers of catan,

and it's amazing.

You build roads, and if you have extra bricks

you get to trade them for wheat.

That sounds so cool.

Hey, uh, big guy.

What's happened to our generation, man?

I mean, when we have to go to war...

And we will... We're screwed.

Let's make a pact to share wool.

I'm gonna be a wheat farmer.

Get your own thing. I call wheat farmer.

- But I called wheat farmer. - I'm older. I'm older. Shut up.

How's your dinner?

Linda. This is breakfast.

You think it's yesterday.

Seems like one long day to me.

- It's a 96-hour day, Linda.

Long.

You know, I think Jeremy's lockdown

is going pretty well.

I love his group of friends.

That's just the core group, though.

We're gonna build it out, get a Hispanic guy,

maybe a Chinese.

Oh, probably, like, an enormous black kid

who's really good at football.

Just check off every box.

You know, really round out that crew.

Maybe I've been too hard on Jeremy.

He's a good kid. You're welcome.

I blame you for this whole thing.

You egged me on, you got me all worked up.

We never had any problem with Jeremy until you showed up.

Oh, I feel horrible.

Damn it, he is down at that school right now

about to give an oral report with his speech impediment.

Kids can be so cruel.

- Yeah, but I bet his friends...

- Oh, shut your piehole, four eyes.

I'm going down to that school.

Yeah, to apologize and to show some support.

I don't think that's necessary.

It is necessary.

Oh...

Thank God your mom is finally taking

the proper dosage of medication

to rest in her secret garden

and not be a witness to any of this.

Stay away from the hooded beast.

Bye, sweet angel.

Jeremy, it's me.

How many of these stupid things do I have to build?

Never mind all that.

Dad's on his way to your school right now.

Why?

He thinks you're giving an oral report.

Who gave him that idea?

I might have. Jaden might have.

Probably that kid Jaden, right?

It doesn't matter.

All that's important is that we get to your school

before dad gets there.

So, um, what do I do with this thing?

- Can I have it? - Yeah.

Thank you. Let's go.

[Rock music]

Well, frankly, I didn't think

you looked anything like your photo.

I told you, I used to be more blonde.

Technically, not a lie.

I'm just saying a hundred pounds is, you know...

I'm giving you a lot of leeway.

Sure. I'll meet again.

Uh, I gotta go.

Olive garden at 6:00. See you there.

I've got something for you.

Oh, God.

Found it sticking out of your windshield.

[Sighs]

Goddamn girls' softball team. I failed their best hitter.

By the look of your quarter panels,

she's got a pretty sweet swing too.

Yeah.

Hey, Jeremy knows you're in town.

He called sandals. Oh, wow, he's good.

Yeah.

What are we gonna do?

Plan "b." I really go to Jamaica.

How about me?

You can come with me.

I know the night manager at sandals.

He'll get us jobs as masseuses.

We'll only work on women, no dudes.

Ah.

I don't know why I hadn't thought of this plan before.

Hey, I know deep tissue and shiatsu.

I learned it in prison.

I'm actually preferring this to our lives right now.

Yeah. It sounds great.

Ah, well, there goes that dream.

I need your help.

My dad's on his way here right now.

Can you pretend Jeremy's in your class?

Why not?

He'll just be another face in a sea of blank stares.

You're doing me a solid. I'm calling Glenn off.

- Really? - Yeah. We're square.

Oh, God.

- Don't start crying. - But I do wanna cry.

How was Jamaica?

No, no, we're good.

Oh, thank God.

Okay, uh, everyone, listen up.

Um... [clears throat]

This is Jeremy.

He has been attending this school his whole life.

Uh, also, he has a lisp.

So the speech he's about to give is a miracle.

Act like it.

Here, you can read this kid's report.

He's a nerd. Hey, that's mine.

Okay, I'm telling the principal

I caught you with weed.

It is up to you how much.

A loose joint, dime bag. Your call, hotshot.

That's what I thought.

Here comes dad.

This sucks. Who taught him this crap?

I did.

I'll wing it.

Alphonse Capone broke out of the immigrant slums

of Brooklyn, new York, and traveled to Chicago.

Even at a young age, he looked for opportunity

where others saw none.

While others were weak, he was strong.

While others slept in their beds and couches

Capone worked the streets to, in his words,

"satisfy a public demand."

Al Capone lived the American dream.

But I wonder, did he ever wish he could

trade it all in for a normal life?

A life of riding bikes, going to school,

playing board games about wheat and bricks...

You know what?

I bet he did. I bet he did.

[Applause]

That was great, son.

You know, once you got going, your lisp went away.

Why, thanks, dad.

Oh, it's good to be disappointed

in only one of my sons again.

And why is that the happy ending here?

Hey, Glenn, I called sandals

and proposed our masseuse idea.

I told him how you learned in jail

and that I had a slow hand and an easy touch.

Oh, yeah, what did they say?

Well, he asked me to explain it again.

And then he asked me to explain it a third time.

Long story short, I think I had phone sex

with a guy in Jamaica.

Hey, where are you going?

As far as you're concerned, to get a glass of milk.

What about al Capone,

how he wanted to trade it all in for a normal life?

He also died of syphilis. Not exactly a great role model.

Well, hey.

If you ever wanna do some more normal kid stuff,

it was kind of fun after all, wasn't it?

Actually, I'm going over to Jaden's

to play some settlers of catan.

- Really? - Yeah.

$50 a settlement, $200 buy-in.

Hey, if you wanna roll with, you can.

No, thanks, that's too rich for my blood.

I'd better stay here.

That was your one invitation to hang with me.

You won't get another one.

But, hey, thanks, guys.

All right, come on, you bums,

get the hell out of here. Linda's asleep.

Come on, come on, one foot in front of the other.

Good night.

- Good night. - Good night.

Bye, Mr. f.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Good night, Josh.

Good night, dad.

And good night, Jeremy.

Lots of people think you don't really exist.

I don't really think you exist either.

But you're here, and you're a good listener.

I have had some hallucinations who are real pricks.

So Valerie had French fries

and she said they were only three points in her diet.

She knows darn well that French fries are eight points.

See, even you know, and you're a hooded beast.

You should have some of my diet pills.

Don't take too many,

or else you'll see a hooded beast.

Say ah.

Oh. [laughs]

How do you stay so thin, anyway?

I mean, granted, the cloak is very slimming,

but you're thin.

I think you look fabulous.

I hope I look as good as you do

when I'm 3,000 years old.

- Hmm. - [chuckles]

I can't believe I was ever afraid of you.

[Romantic music]

♪ ♪

♪ Dee Dee, Dee Dee Dee Dee ♪

♪ duh, duh duh duh duh ♪ good!

Sync by mczolly www.addic7ed.com