Original subtitles

Once upon a time there was...

...or there never was...

...or maybe there will be, one day...

a queen without a king, and a castle.

We won't tell you the story of the king

but the just story of the queen and her daughter-in-law

In fact, the king was not a real king,

but just a notorious unlucky castle builder with independent allotment!

When he died he left her young wife the fruit of a previous marriage,

a beautiful young girl named Baby Love,

4427 angry creditors and...

The Castillo de la Pelota del Pomponero

y de la Pica y de la Vaca Blanca y de la Vaca Negra y de la Vaca Grassa y de la Vaca Magra

But here are these 4 mysterious characters appearing in our story!

- We should have had this meeting at Yalta! - We not agLee!

What are we doing?

After 2 hours or dusty road, we busted our peppers!

Oh! PeppeLs!

PeppeLs!

Aaaaaah!!!! PeppeLs!!!!!

First of all, in welcoming you...

I want to praise your timeliness

So, gentelmen,

I do wish that our long correspondence could make everything clear already

So please let's all take stock of the situation

and proceed with the definitive draft of the contract.

Of course we must set the currency for the payments.

You can decide that yourself

- Yen, of couLse! - Niet yen! Roubles!!!

No, better make it US currency: dollars!

- Why not italian currency? - That is?

Promissory notes!

Since there isn't an agreement, I choose the dollar!

So, gentlemen, we can start our negotiation

Who's the first?

We decided to be represented by Dr. Ci F� Chen Pien

Oh, soLLy! My nose has a veLy stLong sense of smell!

Mine too. It smells holes!

My veLy honoLable and peLfumed lady, my quality is being able to recognize

peLfume of fLuit, of flowa, of essence of female

Fu-ci-lin the wise says: "Happiness is certainty's daughter"

So, in order to be happy, my gentle and perLumed lady, we must be ceLtain.

Not "ceLtain"...ceRtain!

I don't know what you could smell from such distance!

Maybe some lily of the valley? I'm impressed!

[italian tongue-twister with a lot of R's]

You're probably wondering what all this means......

But now, my dear lady, i'm pleased to inform you that we came to an agreement

and that we accept your terms

...if the requirements granted by the contract are worthy of a contract!

Thank you gentlemen, so we can start signing

You must understand, gentle and perfumed lady,

that this operation will require a considerable money investment from our part

therefore we need some assurance that graceful Baby Love

possesses all the requirements to become our secret agent

and marry the son of the great empire.

Yes, the Empire Of The Senses! Eheheh

Shut up! Don't be Lude!

You meant LEWD?

Excuse me, as always, now i need to step in

Mr. Cannamozza, Dr. Ci Fe Ten Pie meant RUDE, not LEWD!

You think I'm stupid? I was just joking!

We sicilians are funny spirited people!

We even export our spirit abroad, where they make whiskey!

STOP IT!

Behave yourself!

We're not in a brothel!

- Mr. Zinneman, you should be ashamed of yourself! - I'm sorry!

...his sister is sorry...

STOP IT!

Dr. Cannamozza, we're here to discuss very important business, not to joke!

Here we're used to austerity, continence, devotion, sobriety and even sexual abstinence!

I know perfectly well that the groom-to-be is the heir of the greatest financial empire

But I also know that my Baby Love, with the education i gave her,

is worthy of the position!

Baby Love is the right girl! Because of her rank, census, culture, beauty...

and spirit!

Her father - God may have him in his glory - left her to me in this old castle

that he built himself in a land bought at a good price

along with servants and the assets that allowed me

to prepare the girl for a better tomorrow!

We are here to make sure the girl is a virgin, god-fearing and willing to do anything.

My colleagues and I agreed that it's necessary to seal the deal as soon as possible.

We just want to be assured about the integrity of the corporation stock,

to avoid last-minute surprises!

in Siberia we say "if you buy pregnant cat, a dog will be born"

You have the word of the Lady of Pelota and Pomponero y de la Pica y de la Vaca Blanca y de la Vaca Negra...

Before closing the deal, we require a complete inspection of the girl's asset!

Inspect her ASS????

NEVER!!!!

MADNESS!!!

Little limp worms!

I should let my intact pearl be inspected by you?

And before closing the deal?

NEVER!!!!

NEVER!

But...i said "asset"...not "ass"...

She got pissed off pretty bad!

What can we do?

Something smells not right!

In Ukraine we say:

"In dawn there's art, in dusk there's fart"

...And remember that my Baby Love is pure and clear like a diamond!

You disappointed me, gentelmen! I consider the deal null!

How did you dare doubt my word and ask for assurements!

In Cossakia we say:

"We want to see the token, to check it's not broken"

"Broken"...I'm going to break something... Your head, you frozen siberian!

I've had enough!

You want to check! So be it!

But mind you...it will cost you a LOT!

And another thing... it will be performed my way!

Give me the time needed.

In the meantime my maids will prepare some good turkmenistan baklava for you

To go along with the best red wine from my vineyard of course

What's up mom?

That's it, my baby! This is a great day for you!

What a beautiful body you have!

You get more and more beautiful every day!

No, we can't waste this body!!! Let me handle this!

It's about your own luck! You will be the most beautiful doll...

for a beautiful game, my baby!

The sleeping beauty that will be awakened by the kiss of the prince charming!

Here...the ceremony is about to start...

Here is your corporation stock! The quintessential productive investment!

Gentlemen, check properly and offer accordingly!

Let me remind you that each one of you is entiteld to just one share

corresponding to one body part of our corporation stock

This is to avoid hoardings that may cause international tensions

Gentlemen, take a good look!

Look, but don't touch!

Gentlemen, rien ne va plus!

Play your game!

Let's proceed. The auction can start!

The girl's naked sex is an essential part of the body

Good middle-age idea, the chastity belt!

A good warranty for our deal

You keep good key, we keep good blacksmith

I said what i think

Holy cow! It's a paradise!

My God! My God! It's wonderful, My God!

I'm climaxing too!

We're all climaxing, here!

Taken a good look at the corporation stock and completed the formalities,

considered read the art. 1, 2, 3 up to 12

et omissis art. 13, 14, 15 up to 24

in front of the full meeting, plus the 2 ex-officio witnesses

We may proceed with the assignation of the shares

I offer 100.000 dollars!

One million rubles!

I beg you pardon? We said dollars!

Chinese dollars!

I offer one million dollars!

Why offeL so much for little feet?

What? It's not beaver?

No! You don't understand! It's not beaveL! It's feet!

Niet!!! I withdraw my offer!

wait for...

ciciornia!

You're getting soft?

I'll take the feet for 1 million dollars!

At last we broke through!

So, the feet go for 1 million dollars to the very honorable Dr. Ci Fe Tan Pie!

Now, gentleman, let's start from 200.000 dollars

and since price will go up, we'll also go up with the body parts!

So, who offers more than 200.000?

- +100.000 - +200.000

- +300.000 - +400.000

- +500.000 - +600.000

Let it go!!!

...Still not ciciornia???

YOU REALLY DUMB!!!

Why offeL so much for bum? You want cicioLnia! ...now you want also bum?

NIET! No bum!

Will you make up your mind, boys?

I confirm my withdraw.

Because if the girl doesn't follow Kazakistan diet based on

pickles, Black Sea algae and sour milk,

she will develop big belly and bum

My target is ciciornia!

Now you play hard to please?

Let's change subject!!!!!

Beautiful! Beautiful!!!

Don't move! Stay still!

My head is spinning!

Damn! Now i got belly ache!

Sorry. Hat fell.

What are you doing?

Where are you going?

What are you doing?

Ciciornia...why don't you let anyone?

What are you doing?

What are you saying?

Well! Now that we made everything clear, we can resume the negotiation

So, who offers more?

I offer 1 million dollars!

- Why not 2? - OK! 2 millions!

Wow! You took me by my word! My compliments!

Says the wise: "hair is stronger than steel!"

And now [....] we start from a 150.000 dollars basis

EVERYTHING! I give you everything i have!

castle, feuds, isle (etc. etc. etc. etc.)

I give you EVERYTHING!!! EVERTHING I HAVE!!!

My compliments, Mr. Cannamozza!

If you didn't leave anything out, SOLD to Turi Cannamozza from Lupara!

I apologise for the language I'm about to use...

RUSSIAN ASSHOLE!!! What a dumbass!!!

NOW it was the time to buy!!!

You no understand! I wait for ciciornia!

No! YOU don't understand!

What you were waiting for was already bought by sicilian!

What already bought sicilian?

The thing you wanted! CicioLnia! Beaver!!! CICIOLNIA!!!

My ciciornia???

I put veto!

What?

I demand right to check Oriental Ciciornia!

And if you don't give me, i break face to you!

What the fuck are you saying? I don't give anything!

Are you crazy? I put all my money in this!

- I'm asking for half - You have to give me money!

- I give you my house! - Money!

- I give you my cottage! - Money!

- I give you Steppe! - Money!

- Money! MONEY! - I give you money!

That's more like it.

Now go talk in your room!

It's late now, my baby has to go rest!

So you'll have the chance to discuss all the details!

From this moment, Baby Love belongs to you!

After you made the first payments, of course!

Gentlemen, good night!

Baby, send the gentlemen a kiss!

Beautiful! Gorgeuos!!!

Good night, Baby Love!

Dobre

Cin cin

Ciao Miao!

As i said already, applied sexology is a very tricky subject

Everybody's eager for knowledge, but doesn't know how to apply

Sex is a gift from God! Even butterflies do it!

We thoroughly studied the positions which are suitable to pleasure the legitimate male

The legitimate male is an imbecile that only cares for good food and having socks mended

Let's see what can pleasure a woman in change for these services

There's solitary pleasure...sad... better avoid it.

There are some basic rules for beauty.

It's very important to keep being beautiful!

And it's not impossible! You just have to remember:

good food is bad for the shape, wine is bad for your complexion, sun wrecks your skin...

sleep makes you fat, heavy caressing warps your breasts

and pregnancy makes your body ugly!

I feel a weird tingling...

It's more than natural, my dear... even butterflies feel it!

And also hippos, horses, rhinos, crocodiles, elephants, giraffes, zebras, bees, whales, flatfish, shellfish...

and clams!

[barker voice from afar]

[barker keeps ranting]

[clowns laughing and making silly jokes]

Now I'm going to ask you a question, I want to see how smart you are!

Do you know what's red and bad for your teeth?

- What could it be? I really have no idea! - Come on...it's easy...

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick!

Now, to avoid loosing the point and mix fable with reality,

some explanation is necessary.

You must know that in those times, that actually are very similar to ours,

a friendly bond was tried to be established between teachers and students

almost a family one

ballroom dance was taught, martial arts, japanese fight, kung-fu and kung-poo

and also latin, numismatics, analytics and culinary art

These lessons often saw the participation of family friends...

witnessing with bonhomie the progresses of the young girls

That's why our 4 gentlemen, once the Queen allowed them to follow Baby Love's education,

while waiting to go back to their offices and report about the transaction,

decided to linger,

with short thoughts about the most pregnant moments of their own cultures

Shhhh! Go! Go! Run!

Who woke me? I was sleeping so nice!

The Queen, as it happens also nowadays, to celebrate the good deal with the contract,

and also to sedate the fury of the 4427 mad creditors,

announced a full-dress cocktail party!

It was a very sophisticated event

It started at her command,

all the guests, with austere elegance, started dancing at the notes of an ancient waltz

As you can see, in those times habits were not too different from ours

even though waltz was probably performed in a more genuine way

more sparkling, more pastoral, more bucolic...

more rustic, that is!

In those times, like nowadays, one got easily entertained

So, between a cookie and cup of tea, parties went on til morning

and queens got bored and preferred solitary meditation in their room!

Oh, he's so handsome! He looks like Tarzan!

And he's such a good shooter!

Look at him! Such a mysterious gaze!

Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca!

...And maybe he's even intelligent!

Oh, mommy!

Miss Baby Love!

Baby Love!

Miss Helga is waiting for you...the lesson...

I don't give a fuck about the lesson, and all that bullshit!

I hope you're going to explain this!

Mh?

It's just i've had enough of analytics, aritmethics and culinary art!

I've been sold in pieces! Feet, belly, even my muff...

NO! The muff is mine and only I handle it!

There!

And i also have to wash it wearing this stupid lock!

I mean...i'm fed up!

You really whacked my beaver!!!

Listen to her!

What got into your head?

When that cuckold father of yours died,

I explained to you what was necessary to avoid ending out on a street!

Your father left us in a sea of shit!!! Got it?

And who was the one who could preserve and keep all this paradise up?

It was ME! ALL ME! Got it?

I redeemed the castle!

I had the vision to contact those 4 gentlemen that brought us money!

And again, I found the idiot who wants the virgin bride!

Got it? Asshole?

Yes, but I was the one who got sold like a cow at an auction!

And i'll be the one getting touched by some dirty old man!

So, if this is it, i don't want to take lessons anymore!

I deserve something else too!

I don't enjoy myself with that Miss Helga, you know?

"Turn here, turn there, turn down, turn up"

I'M FED UP!

...And all this just to enrich a filthy provincial whore like you!

There!

[various insults]

Quick! Come with me!

Let's calm down!

Yes, let's stop the violence!

What do you want? What are you looking for? Who are you???

Calm down, i tell you everything! ...it's a very delicate job!

Why are you closing the door? Are you gone mad?

- Will you tell me what you're after? - Give me a hand!

Stay here!

- I'm not an obstetrician! - Have you ever seen something like this?

What is this??? Today's trend on panties?

- What do you want to do? - We have to unlock it!

- How? - Wedge!

- You want to pull a wedgie? Eheheh... - Wedge, dumbass! An iron wedge!

Is this ok?

Hammer!

Go!

OUCH! Fuck it!!!

I screwed a tooth!

- Miss Helga...used to say... - Never mind Miss Helga...

We'll tell her later!

Sssshhhh! Silently!

Silence! Just say goodbye and leave!

What is she doing?

She's sleeping!

IT'S A TRICK!!!!! SHE'S NOT BABY LOVE!!!

- Where is Baby Love? - We want explanations!

In Russia we say: BITCH!

Miserable!!!

Unfortunately, these are the facts, gentlemen

And nobody is more mortified than me!

I came up with this trick hoping that our corporation stock came back before you realized.

This is a deceit! We should have been informed immediately!

According to the contract!

Do you realize what could happen if she's really disappeared?

What would we be telling our administrative board?

..That we've been screwed???

The contract said to perform alternate checks. I took my precautions. Did you?

Our precautions were irreproachable, like my sense of smell, my peLfumed lady!

What perfumed lady? She's a scumbag!

First she sucked the builder's money, then she sucked our money,

and now she's sucking ALL of our 4 cocks!!!

- I'm still a lady! - Yes! The Lady of Whores!

YOU CAN'T SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!

If i may say so, we're wasting too much time arguing

Right! And i think i have to punish who betrayed our trust

like Ivan The Terrible did.

In Russia we have an old saying:

"Punishment should apply to women who are too sly"

This i had to say.

If i may say so, I have chinese torture for peLfumed lady

terrible, economical torture, like torture garden!

Have you all gone insane?

You want to put me against the wall?

I explain.

You certainly have a flower vase in the garden...

You certainly have a big hungry rat in the cellar...

So, we put rat in vase, we put lady's perfumed bum on vase...

and then we put flame in vase hole

Rat gets crazy and go up towards lady's bum to avoid flame!

Simple! Economical! Guaranteed to work!

Holy cow! Why don't YOU take an enema with muriatic acid!!!!

Listen boys, let's try to meet in the middle, here...

The responsibilities of her disappearing are shared in equal parts

What the hell were your secret services doing?

Well, I can chase trails with my smell!

Can I have Baby Love's panties?

So?

What is he doing?

OVER THERE!

Come! Come! Over there! Come! Come!

Victorian relics, Com�die-Fran�aise, Pirandellian horns...

Scandinavian graveyards' runes, transcriptions, reductions, interpolations, storytelling...

Myth doesn't have any form of objectification with mere word

Scenic action is the authentic poetic truth!

Theatre is the truth revealed by improvisation! Not criticism of the truth!

It's a stage big as the world!

Lustful as a dream of De Sade, colored as the newly born mushrooms after the first autumn rain

True! Like a sow breastfeeding the little pigs!

An artist needs conflicts, doubts, or he would sin against himself...

Baby Love is going to meet her lover

who, trying to block the quest for her, went to the castle with fake proofs about the girl's death

But the 4 hounds, led by Ci Fe Ten Pie's infallible smell, are on the trails of Baby Love.

Enough now! I had enough of this infallible smell! Shut up!

You shut up! You all shut up!!!

Shut up, damned soul! How dare you?

You should put a hole in your skull to drain your incompetent fear!

How dare you, terrace plebeian, interrupt the sublime acuity of the genius...

the mystical inspiration of the artist, the enchanted ictus of the poet...

You're fired! Don't ever show your face here again!

You'll never be able to understand the revolutionary spirit of my theatre!

No Mirandolina, no Brecht, no Iris, no Shakespeare, no Checov, no Pirandello!

NEW THEATRE! Participating! Collective! Non-static! Cyanotic!

I smell Baby Love! She's near!!!

I swear!!! She's near!!!

Baby Love? What is Baby Love doing?

You don't believe me? I smell her! She's near! I swear!!!

It's the truth!!! My smell can't fail!!!

I clever! Why everybody mad at poor chinese?

SILENCE!!!

To everyone his own role!

I am the protagonist, the stage technician, the electrician, the director, the handyman...

the administrator, the author, the censorship and the audience!!!

Why didn't Hamlet kill his mother?

Why did a mother poison her husband to fornicate with his brother-in-law?

Liberating action! This is the synthesis!

Eros to the end! Explosion of sexual instincts! Joie de vivre! Escape, crime, liberation!

What's the use of fornicating? It screws your brain, your ideas, your voice!

Fornicating is the contradiction of art!

I will leave this ungrateful world in which nobody understands me!

Suicide for art's sake! You have to really die in order to make death real!

And I shall punish my lust, because an actor has to be like a priest!

I have sinned! I have fornicated!

- How many times, son? - Countless times!!!

- Shame on you! Shame!!! That's why you couldn't reach the glory!

Fornicating! Fornicating is the failure of art!

[repeats the last lines]

Where the hell have you been? Who gave you permission to leave my castle?

I beg your forgiveness, my Queen, but something must have happened in the woods

This didn't allow you to disobey my orders

I didn't mean to go away from the castle.

I did it because i heard a woman shouting for help.

I rushed there, and what i saw was awful!

There were enormous footprints, wrecked plants and broken branches

What a cute story! You're telling me you met King Kong?

Don't joke! I'm serious! There was blood all over the place!

Even on branches!

Following the trails, i got to the river's waterfall, where I found this.

It was still covered in blood! Look!

Here's the proof! Are you convinced now?

But this is Baby Love's belt!

Yes! It's hers!

She's dead!!!

Holy cow!!! Satan! Satan!!! Thank you!!!!

Finally I got rid of that dumbass monkey!!!

And now it's those 4 buffoons' turn!

I'm rich!!!

And we'll throw parties that would make blush Messalina and Pipino The Short!

I will cover you in gold!

Don't get your hopes too high, Queen! I won't be staying with you!

As you wish. Your loss! You don't deserve to live like a prince!

Poor fool! No one can refuse my hospitality!!!

You won't get out of this castle alive!!!

You're wrong! I'm leaving! Either you allow it or not!

You can only get out of here...

dead!

Gentlemen...

our corporation stock, the adorable Baby Love, the destined bride, the flower or virginity...

is dead!!!

The only thing that's left of her is this relic

And since, according to the contract at chapter 13, section A, paragraph 2, there's a clause which says that

in case of death things should maintain the present position,

I hold the million dollars you deposited

and you're kindly asked to immediately leave the castle!

...also because your presence reminds me too much of my beloved, sweet, adorable Baby Love!

In other words....bygones!

PeLfumed lady, can i accuLately smell belt?

It's your right!

YES! IT BELONGS TO BABY LOVE! MY SMELL CAN'T BE WRONG!

Oh! The pain! The pain!!!!

BABY LOVE DEAD!!!!!!

BLINDFOLDED MAN ...YOU'RE HALF CONDEMNED!

MANIA WITH COCK ...YOU'RE OUT OF HERE, DON'T KNOCK!

...

Baby Love jumped out of the frying pan into the fire!

In fact, the crazy guy had an even crazier brother called The Wizard Of Passo Di Brione!

It's a fact that, back then like nowadays, village girls liked to entertain themselves

That's why the Wizard could arrange with great success innocent meetings of para-beaverology!

And sadly, Baby Love knew next to nothing about para-beaverology!

And her thirst of knowledge got regularly obstructed by the senior students!

Oh! Nice! Nice! I want to try too!!!

Away! Away! Take her away!!!!

Away! Away!!! Cursed woman! You're not part of my cult!

Help! Help!!!

Let me out of here!!!

That crazy woman plays middle-ages and i'm here like a moron!

I deserved it! Bloody hell!!!

Get me out of here!!!

Theatre must be explicit communication, not allusive theory!

It must be externalization of the ego, spontaneous alternative of the collective

Managed with an upward impulse from subconscious to conscious!

To dishevel wigs! THEATRE IS LIFE! THEATRE IS SOUL!

STOP THIS JIBBER JABBER!!!

I contest! I protest! I rebel!

Mars is in astral conjunction with Saturn! In trigon with Aries! In conjunction with Virgo!

Taurus is in opposition with Gemini!

My oracles have spoken! Curses and misfortunes in this temple!!!

Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!

DON'T LISTEN TO THIS CRAZY MAN, HIS ORACLES AND HIS PROPHECIES!

33 curses will fall on his madness!

I am the king, the protagonist, i cannot be struck by that!

You, with your hemorroids, damn lump, unskilled labourer, mediocre sidekick, simple extra...

the one taking the dog out to piss, preparing the sandwiches, cleaning the toilets!

You don't go further than that! Ballerina's constipated brain!

Hello! Lunch is served! Hello! Dinner is served!

To be or not to be... My kingdom for a horse...

........

You're like all italians! You give them a little trust and they all take advantage of that!

I came just to let you out! Because we have a mission:

we must find Baby Love!

Please! STOP!

STOP IT!!!

People are coming here!

It's them! The 4 crows! We must follow them to find Baby Love!

WILL YOU STOP IT?

Just a kiss and then you stop!

YES! YES!!!! MY SMELL NEVER FAILS! IT NEVER FAILS!!!!

THIS IS THEATRE!!!!

Because theatre is liberating action, creative action, inspirating action!

Words are useless! Expression in action!

Silence expresses everything: anger, youth, strenght, sensuality, life, death....

I'M A GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!

- Who are you? What do you want? - We want Baby Love back!

Look at where my baby ended up!!!

Baby Love! You silly girl! Come off that stand! You have more serious things to do!!!

When you talk to me shut up!!! I rule here!!!

This is my temple! You won't be stealing my female lead!

GO AWAY!!!!!!

- What is he saying? How dares he? - You can't abduct Baby Love!

...

STOP IT!!!!!!!!!

WILL YOU STOP IT???

WHAT IS ALL THIS NOISE???

NOW SHE WILL BE THE ONE TO DECIDE!!!

You will never have my Baby Love, buffoon!

Because I'm her mom! Because only I know all that i gave her!

- I call on your democratic spirit! - In Russia we say... - In Sicily we say...

You choose calmly and wisely...

and you'll see eveLything will be ok!

Believe me!

AND WHOM DO I DO THEATRE WITH, NOW???

I had found the perfect female lead! Who will ever be able to take her role?

Me! The Queen! Am I or am I not her mother?

I'm positive you won't regret her! Let me assure you!

"To be or not to be...this is the question..."

THIS IS THEATRE!!! You will prostitute yourselves on the racks!

Sentiments! Genius! Because I'm the genius! And this is my theatre!

So, all together...

Who will lend me a cigarette?

Let's immediately start rehearsals!

It will be a modern show, rebel, nonconformist, revolutionary

YEEES!!!!! I decided! I DECIDED!!!

We'll finally debut with my theatre!

The life-theatre! The soul-theatre! LIFE! SOUL!

But there's who, faraway from clamors and gains, from yearnings and vanities,

lives the true-life!

Now the two lovers are happy in the simple flow of days

as the Lord commands

"Woman, you shall take the water to bake bread...

Man, you shall chop wood to feed the fire"

subtitles by VaccaStracca