Original subtitles

- Jackpot.

One points.

Iz raining!

Dinner. It's what's for dinner.

Now, I've been up since 10:00, so I'm turning in.

Enjoy, my babies.

ANNOUNCER: Channel 36 is incredibly proud

to present our midnight movie,

"The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smowg."

[GASPS] Stan, it's Smowg. He's about to be desolated.

Stan?

Huh.

Huh.

Huh.

Huh.

No.

Uh-oh.

What the hell are you guys doing down here?

Uh, you know how you never learned what lacrosse is?

Yeah?

Well, this is it.

This is lacrosse.

Good morning, U.S.A.

I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day

The sun in the sky has a smile on his face

And he's shinin' a salute to the American race

Oh, boy, it's swell to say

- Good... - Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

Good morning, U.S.A.

So, every night after I'm asleep,

you come down to the crawl space?

I don't understand.

A crawl space is an area between floors,

where crawling is not just allowed,

it's encouraged...

I know what a crawl space is, Stan.

Did you, though?

I mean, why are you eating down here?

Are you hiding from me?

Just give it to me straight.

We're still hungry 'cause your dinner stinks!

- It sucks! - Whoa!

- Easy! - Hey!

- [CHUCKLES] - Uh, we hate you.

- You're a bad lady! - Jeff!

Alright, that's it.

Go to the dark part of the crawl space

- for 10 minutes. - It's ridiculous.

The dinner was bad?

I followed the recipe to a "T."

It was Certified "Yim Yam Yummo" by Rachael Ray herself!

It's not that your cooking's bad...

Gee, how do we put it gently, gang?

- Your food is soulless. - Totally uninspired.

- It's got no heart! - Oh.

Sorry, Mom.

JEFF: It's poop food!

Jeff! 20 minutes!

Life is so unfair!

Don't feel bad, Mom. Cooking's just not your thing.

You can always join us here,

for what we call "Cracker Hour."

Oh, but it's so much more than crackers.

There's cheeses, toasted Pringles,

and sumptuous summer sausages.

Hillshire Farms has put more love into this Li'l Smoky

than in a thousand of your "dinners."

I don't want to be bad at cooking.

I want to be good at cooking.

Why not do a cooking course at the Learning Annex?

You tell them what you want to learn,

they look it up on the Internet, and then they teach it to you.

You know what? I will do that.

Sorry I drove you guys underground.

I scratched myself on a nail!

[CHUCKLES] Gotta watch out for those nails.

Hold up... Do my eyes spy

a Li'l Smoky in the dirt?

- Dad, are you okay? - There's a nail in his head!

- Why isn't he speaking? - Somebody do something!

- This is literally the first time tonight... - Aw, Dad! He's so still!

- ...I've reached for the Li'l Smokys and not bumped... - Blink if you can hear me!

- ...into Stan's hand. - He's not blinking! He's so calm!

- - _

Don't worry.

Stan's walking around and everything,

but he hasn't said a word,

so you know that nail's touching something important.

You want to talk about touching a nerve...

You guys not liking my cooking has really rattled me.

Yes, yes it is me. Miss Nadine.

Yeah, Nadine!

Today, we're making a classic spaghetti and meatballs.

Every step is on these recipe cards,

except for one...

Enjoy yourself!

I'll just follow the steps on the card,

if that's okay with you.

Oh, man, that babe Danuta's here!

I'm gonna make a cool face while I chop my onion.

Is she looking? Is this face cool?

Hmm. My cup has a dent in it.

Won't be accurate.

I'll have to use 48 teaspoons.

[GASPS]

Ms. Nadine! Dick's not measuring his salt.

Oh. Well, that's fine.

He just squeezed a lemon in there.

That's not in the recipe.

Your back was turned and he squeezed it!

- I saw! - I thought a hit of lemon

would brighten up the marinara.

Mmm.

Ooh. That's a nice change, Dick.

There's no lemon anywhere in this recipe.

Has the whole world gone crazy?

[SOBBING] Danuta...

Look at me, Danuta.

- - _

The nail has only pierced his speech centers.

I can yank it out with my Leatherman, no problem,

but not until the brain swelling goes down.

Bigger question... Would you be willing

to let me have the brain?

Keep in mind, I'd replace it with a bag of sand

so his overall weight would not change...

No. How long will it take the swelling to go down?

One week.

I'll put this tiny safety cone on it for now,

but as your physician, I must advise that you,

as soon as possible, get him a fun new hat.

It's a Bugle snack.

Mm. It's delicious.

Hooraaaaay!

Mmm. I know I keep saying this,

but, to quote Dom DeLuise's tombstone,

great meatball.

And... what is this?

It's also a meatball.

Oh.

It's good.

Hey! Tell me the truth.

- I can take it. - Okay.

It's a little bland.

[SCREAMS]

- It was your recipe! - [GLASS SHATTERS]

And I followed it to the letter!

- [GLASS SHATTERS] - I want a 40% refund!

Get her out of here!

[GRUNTING] Let me tell you something.

Oh, yeah? What?

This whole Annex is gonna burn,

and you're gonna be in it.

You can't burn brick, bitch!

Oh, I'll find a fire hot enough.

You're gonna pop like popcorn.

Pop! Pop-pop-pop-pop-pop!

[ JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

Now it's time for a new segment

that I'm really excited about...

- So [BLEEP] excited. - ...where I travel the globe

interviewing famous chefs.

Here's me with Patagonian super chef,

Francis Mallmann.

Super chef?

As I say in my book, "The Seven Fires,"

the problem with the home cook

is that they are enslaved by the recipes,

by their electric stoves.

MALLMANN: In the outdoors, where I cook,

man is returned to what is essential.

The fire Promethean.

It's all in my book, "The Seven Fires."

Well, the results are in. Slap bracelets are back.

What the hell?!

Damn thing made me look like an idiot.

Wow, you're reading Francis Mallmann?

Yeah, but his cooking is all about trusting your instincts,

and I don't know if I have those.

What if you could learn instincts

from someone like Francis Mallmann?

Oh, my God. Do you know him?

Yes, but we're estranged. I said someone like him.

I have a persona that borrows heavily

from Francis... duplicates him really,

probably the source of the rift...

and I do know that persona.

Would you be willing to go all the way to Patagonia

to learn how to cook?

Roger, I'd go to freakin' L.L. Bean

if it helped me be a better cook.

Ha! That's hilarious.

Although maybe you aren't being hilarious.

_

Now, Francine, when we get there,

this guy's gonna be me.

I want to be clear about that.

This persona and I are different,

but I am him.

I can imagine how jarring it is

to find me around every corner in your life,

and I want this to be a smoother deal for you.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

This is it, right?

I'm about to look over, and he'll be there,

- and you'll be gone. - Yeah.

You know, I don't usually get to say goodbye.

Well, thanks for flying down with me.

Even if you had to come anyway to be the guy.

Thanks.

I'm Frenchus Mallmank, not Francis Mallmann,

and I'm gonna challenge

everything you know about cooking.

[GASPS]

Goodbye!

[SIGHS] Alright.

That's enough turning around.

NARRATOR: Frenchus Mallmank

rejected the pathway of fine French cuisine,

and dedicated himself to powerful, primitive cooking.

On his island in Patagonia,

with his dedicated students,

he makes incredible meals

using little more than fire and salt...

and the world has taken notice.

[EXASPERATEDLY] Would you shut up!

Why are you narrating everything?

And the narrator withdrew,

shutting himself off from human connection...

Good! I think that's good.

There.

That is how you build...

the Eight Fires.

Yes. One more than Francis.

Now I'll teach my techniques,

all leading up to a grand feast.

I will try each of your dishes, finishing many of them,

and see how much you learned.

Lesson one!

I'm sealing this fish

in the rich cream mud that is here by my feet.

When I cook this in the fire,

the mud will hold in the moisture.

- It will also muffle the small screams of the fish... - [HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALING]

...as it suffers and dies.

Oh! How many cups of mud is that?

You have long fingers, and it looks like a lot.

No cups! No recipes!

Cooking is about being free and alive.

No!

Eh? You like my trebuchet?

- - _

- [PIANO PLAYS] - Alright.

Let's find Dad a hat to cover up that nail.

[PIANO CONTINUES]

You like the piano, Dad?

You can wait here while we shop for hats,

and I won't have to look at the nail.

Hey, look who it is!

[PIANO CONTINUES]

- 10 minute break. - [PIANO STOPS]

Just enough time for a cigarette and a tuna-fish sandwich.

[PIANO PLAYS]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I am the manager of this Nordstrom,

and that is simply gorgeous playing.

You're hired.

And you're fired.

Does Dick's Sporting Goods have piano players?

Dad can't play piano.

It's the nail. It's unlocking him.

My nail gives me the power to know all domestic flight times

within the United States.

United 12 leaves Dulles for O'Hare in 30 minutes.

No. Not even close.

[SIZZLING]

Come, my acolytes. Taste.

You just got a bunch of dirt in it.

That's earth, and earth is flavor and passion.

Think of how many people had sex on this earth.

And on earth!

[WHISPERING] I found a little piece that's clean.

A little dirt for ya!

- [FIRE CRACKLING] - To cook meat over flame,

to me, I believe truly...

Can't find the neck hole in this poncho. There it is.

The best technique is spatchcocking.

[WHISPERING] I've done that.

It's when you intentionally graze

someone's penis with your backpack.

Spatchcocking is when you flatten an animal's ribcage

so that it cooks more evenly.

I'll show you.

It's all about finding just the right point of pressure,

feeling it, making that connection,

and then spatchcock!

This works with any meat.

Wild hare...

river otter...

two chickens.

Usually, you want to prep it, get the guts out,

but I was just feeling it too hard.

Had to do a live spatchcock.

So it goes. Eight fires, etcetera, etcetera.

With food, you need a little wine.

This, to me, is a little wine.

This is the largest size bottle of wine

that isn't legally a vat.

It is called... a nebuchadnezzar.

I drink four of these a day, just like Charlemagne did,

and I'll outlive you all.

What is it the poets say about wine?

[BELCHES]

What? Did you say something?

Was I still going?

Well, you're a fool

if you don't savor your nebuchadnezzars.

I can't tell if it's done.

Maybe I should check real quick.

It's ruined.

The precious juice has been drained.

Taste yours.

Now try mine.

Mmm.

It's so good.

You're resisting my lessons.

I hope you can show me something at the big feast.

Now, if you excuse me, I must slumber

and dream of spatchcocking T-rexes

with my childhood friend, Jean-Baptiste.

[PIANO PLAYS]

[GIGGLES] Business has never been better,

and it's all thanks to you!

Sales figures correspond 100% with your piano playing!

I don't want any of this stuff.

[UP-TEMPO PIANO PLAYS]

I'm buying 10 winter coats!

[LAUGHS]

You hooked another one, Nailhead!

And you know how big the margins are on coats.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, oh!

By the way, I got a call from corporate earlier.

They're considering turning the Langley Falls location

into the new flagship...

[PIANO CONTINUES]

Yes.

Flagship.

That's what all this has been about.

Now, play me to the break room,

this time in the style of a silent-movie villain.

[STACCATO NOTES PLAY]

Javier, your Potatoes Three Ways is delicious, inspired.

What would you say to another three-ways

- in my big fur bed? - No.

You deny me? My passion grows like a bonfire!

Anywho, moving on.

I was having a tough time at first,

but I think I finally cooked from... here.

Promising.

Where are they?

Where are what?

The measuring cups that you used to make this!

You're right!

I cheated.

I've been doing so terribly.

Oh, why can't I understand how to cook?!

Who cares about that?!

I launched those measuring cups all the way to Bear Island.

If you went there, it's possible "they"

followed your scent back here.

- Who? - [BEARS GROWL]

Acolytes, fly me to safety!

We'll tell the world your story!

But I already told the world my story.

[BEARS GROWL]

Roger, what do we do?

[WHISPERING] Stand perfectly still and don't make a sound.

[SNIFFING]

- Yes, it's me. - [ROARS]

[SCREAMING]

- [GROWLS] - [SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[COUGHS]

That damn bear spatchcocked me.

I wish I wasn't here right now.

I wish I was in a restaurant.

Roger! Are you okay?

They told me Bear Island would be a problem

when I bought this place.

"Leave the bears to me," I said.

What did I even mean? I didn't have a plan.

This is all my fault.

It's not your fault.

You weren't there when I bought the island.

I mean, if I hadn't cheated,

the bears never would have come here.

You killed me.

Let's see how badly you're hurt.

What's the damage?

Will I ever be able to rollerblade again?

[SIGHING] Oh. That bear really got you.

We need to get you off this island,

but the boat is gone.

There's a backup boat on the other side of the island.

Oh, my God!

Wait, why do you have a backup boat?

You should be asking, why do I have three boats.

Because I used to, but then I ended up selling one.

- [GRUNTS] - Ow. Ow. Ow.

Wait! My nebuchadnezzars!

- [GLASS CLINKING] - Ow. Ow.

Wait, my gaucho hat!

[STRAINED] You know, Francine, I think I'm ready to die.

There's just one last thing I want to do...

drink a live-forever potion.

You're not gonna die. We've reached the boat.

Wait. There's somebody in it.

Oh, no. It's Francis Mallmann.

You stole my identity, Frenchus Mallmank,

and now I steal your boat!

[PIANO PLAYS]

Money! Oh, money! Oh, money!

[CHUCKLES] We're rich!

This branch of Nordstrom is rich!

- Oh, no. The family. - It's been a week.

We have to take the nail out now.

- Otherwise, he'll die, right, Dr. Kalgary? - Sounds right.

Then you must take it out.

I'd never want Nailhead to die.

Because, you see,

it wasn't about the money or the coat sales...

the highest in the tri-county area.

It was about the music.

So before you remove the nail, could I hear just one last song?

Dad! One more song!

[PIANO PLAYS MELANCHOLY TUNE]

No boats. No food.

We're both gonna starve here.

I'm surprised I made it this far

with the amount of glass I've been drinking.

Before we die,

why did you cheat with the measuring cups?

I didn't want to mess up, I guess.

What would it mean if you messed up?

That there was something wrong

with the measurements or the recipe.

And what if you messed up without a recipe?

What if it was just you,

cooking, making your own decisions?

It'd mean that there was something wrong with me,

that I was the failure.

And that's what therapists call a babababingo.

[COUGHS]

Roger, this leg is starting to turn.

I think I should cut it off.

If you're gonna cut off my leg, you need to cook it.

Roger, that's crazy!

It'll keep me from dying of blood poisoning

and give us both something to eat.

Oh, I don't know.

There is no recipe for cooking my leg,

no safety net.

Show me who you are and feed me me.

[PIANO CONTINUES]

[GROANING]

I had a lemon.

It's delicious, Franny.

- [BODY THUDS] - [DISSONANT NOTES PLAY]

Hey, I'm back, baby.

No! Put it back in! Put it back in!

[MANAGER SCREAMS]

- [SCREAMING CONTINUES] - [CUSTOMERS SHOUT INDISTINCTLY]

Don't worry! I'll make you a monster!

Billy, get the van!

Ah, it feels good to have conquered this.

I was letting my fear of failing

make me a boring cook.

[BEARS GROWL]

[SCREAMS]

No! Don't fight them.

Feed them.

[BEAR GROWLS]

Hey, it's Francis.

The smell of your soulful cooking

lured him back, Francine.

And I've hit my goal weight.

Roger, your body's gonna grow back, right?

It always has before.

Oh, God! What if it doesn't?!

Have a good night!