Original subtitles

(Tessa) Daddy had decided to blend families

with my high-school nemesis.

Our house closed

and so did our conversations.

So, what's the plan here, Tess?

You still have another year of school.

Live with my grandmother, commute to Chatswin

finish up, get the hell out.

You gonna tell me I can't? 'Cause I'm almost 18.

No, I am not saying you can't. I'm saying I wish you wouldn't.

There's lots of things I wish you wouldn't do

like continue to make decisions

with no regard for my feelings.

I know that's what it seems like I'm doing but I assure you--

Why don't you just keep telling yourself that, George?

'Cause I'm not gonna be around to hear it.

Tessa! Tessa.

Hope the three of you are happy together. Have a nice life.

Oh, and Dalia doesn't even like you.

She's just using you to make her real dad jealous.

- So good luck with that! - Tessa!

Can I just say that I didn't know

what was going on with you and Dalia?

Had I known, I-I never would've accept..

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

I've never seen her like this before.

- Are we making a mistake? - Mm.

Maybe this is all too much.

No, no, I-I read every one of those books

that Sheila gave me and they all said the same thing.

You can't let the kids call the shots.

We as parents have to do what's right for the family.

What if we're wrong about what's right?

Daddy Altman?

Since we're gonna be one big happy family now

will you take me to the Father Daughter Purity Ball?

The what?

The Father Daughter Purity Ball.

This is our chance to restore decency

to take our daughters gently by the weave

and say, "Slow down, you little ratchet."

Hmm.

Do the girls have to be pure to attend?

Because I'm not showing any virgins currently enrolled here.

Oh, I think we have at least one.

But I'm not here to boast about Lisa's late-blooming.

The times they have a-changed

and it is up to us

to a-change them back.

[theme music]

♪ Last night I had a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da da da-da-da da ♪♪

[phone ringing]

Hi, grandma. It's me, Tessa.

Tessa! Are you well?

I'm okay. I've been better.

Um..

'I need something, I mean..'

I mean, I need..

..you, if possible.

Tessa, you're making me nervous.

- What's going on? - It's nothing.

It's just...my dad.

'I don't want to live with him anymore'

'which is why I was wondering'

if it might be possible for..

...me to come live with you next year.

Well, you know

I'm not really set up for a second person.

'You know, with just the one bathroom.'

Oh, sweetie, I hate to disappoint you.

'How about you come again for part of the summer?'

Is it okay if I call you back later?

(Helen) 'O-o-okay. Bye-bye.'

[beeps]

Mom? Who was that?

[Daughter singing "Landfill"]

Tessa.

(Tessa) Since grand-mama had left me for the wolves

I sought refuge in the one place

that I had always felt safe.

♪ Push me out to sea ♪

♪ On a little boat that you made out ♪♪

You're leaving.

She's leaving.

What's gonna happen to me?

You'll be fine.

You'll be..

...queen of the Purity Ball.

Mm, well, technically, that's impossible.

Malik's been buttering my bread since President's day.

Don't tell mom.

[birds chirping]

[instrumental music]

(George) I believe I am in boxes again.

I feel like I just got out of boxes.

[gasps] OMG! George! Look.

This one in Chatswin Hills has a custom leather living room.

Leather living room?

It's a work of art.

It's an overpriced wooden box.

Look at the square footage. It's tiny.

Check out the lot size.

- We could always expand. - We could expand.

What kind of couch would you put in a leather living room?

Me, I'd probably do a marble sectional.

[chuckles] Sounds comfy.

[instrumental music]

(Tessa) While George and Dallas were out looking

for a new love nest

I was adjusting to life in the toilet.

Oh. This looks lovely.

- Thank you. - Welcome.

Mmm. So does your dad know you're living in a restroom?

He thinks I'm at Helen's.

Why don't you stay at our place?

Because, Lisa.

- Because. - Yeah. No. That's true.

I'm just tired of it, you know?

I'm tired of everybody expecting

I'm just gonna do whatever the hell they want.

And that I'm just gonna grin and bear it?

Well, I'm done grinning and I'm done bearing it.

You should see this dress that my mother wants me to wear

to this Purity Ball of hers.

It's a frickin' bridal gown.

Do they not realize that we are almost adults?

They can't just tell us how it's gonna be anymore.

And we're not just gonna choke down

a cup of undercooked neon noodles just to avoid

hurting some homeless woman's feelings.

That was delicious, though. Thank you.

[instrumental music]

(Dallas) 'But, George..

- Leather living room! - I know.

And did you see that lighting fixture?

It was rustic meets sparkly.

It was the perfect representation of us.

Well, maybe we can find a lighting fixture like that

and put it in a house that's still on the market

because that one has an accepted offer.

Unless you wanna put in a backup offer.

Yeah, but you don't love it.

Well, no, but, uh, I could live with it.

I could learn to love it.

[instrumental music]

Oh, I gotta get going. Ahem.

'I gotta run by home and get ready'

for my big date with Dalia.

- Um, George? - Yeah?

Can I be honest with you?

I'm not real sure you should be taking

Dalia to this event.

Dalia wants to go. If I don't take her, who will?

[instrumental music]

[gasps]

Hi, Dallas. That's a nice dress.

Is it Cavalli?

(Steven) 'He's not her father.'

He can't be parading around like he's her father.

Steven, you need to find another way to express yourself.

You can't go around punching people.

I don't go around punching people.

I just punch him. I-I don't know what it is.

I just find him very punchable.

Mommy, is he okay?

Yeah, he's, he's okay.

Hey, you leave my daughter alone!

I thought that was your job.

- Aah! - Ooh!

Daddies, stop fighting over me.

What are you doing here anyway?

I thought you were off living in Singapore.

I am in Singapore! Ooh! Hey!

That reminds me, my beautiful wife, Wan'er.

Come on.

- Hello. - Hello.

I want that tiny hat.

Sweetheart, give her the tiny hat.

- No. - Yes.

Wan'er, I've heard so much.

Hey, George, sorry about the punching

but I need to impress upon you that I am her father.

Just because I'm not around doesn't give you the right--

Yes, it does! It gives me every right, you big baby.

Being a father isn't a title you hold

like a some fighter's belt.

It's an active job and if you aren't there to do it

somebody else has to. Ugh! Aah-ha!

Stop hitting, Daddy Altman.

You stop calling him that!

I'm so starving, you guys.

- Can we go get sushi? - I could do sushi.

George? Rainbow roll?

I don't think George feels like a rainbow roll.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Whoa.

Sheila, we have a doorbell!

As your broker, I wouldn't have let myself in

if it wasn't important, and it is.

The place you saw today?

That place Dallas fell in love with?

The offer fell through.

They couldn't get their financing together.

I-I cannot think about this right now, Sheila.

- I have a face wound. - Okay.

Okay, fine. Let's weigh all the options.

You can rent something

and flush your money down the toilet.

You can move in with Dallas and be her bitch. I mean..

Or I can man up and buy the place

my lady is crazy about.

It is squeaky-clean, George.

Copper piping. Closets by Claudia.

- Claudia? - And it is a massive lot.

Mature trees. Dogwoods up the wazoo.

- You know something, Sheila? - What?

You're good at your job.

(Sheila) How does she do it, folks?

She kills it on the work front

she crushes it at home

and in her spare time..

Fred? Why aren't you two dressed for the Purity Ball?

- 'You're gonna be late.' - Have a seat, dear.

No, I will not have a seat.

'Our community is expecting me'

just as they are expecting the two of you.

Well, Sheila, I do believe their expectations

are not going to be met.

Not tonight. Lisa?

Lisa! You're finally gonna be the queen of something.

You're a lock!

Yeah, that's the thing, mother.

- I'm not a lock. - Oh. You are too a lock.

She's not a lock, Mrs. Shay.

[dramatic music]

Oh, I see.

This is your way of telling me

the two of you have been engaging in premarital sex.

- Is that it, Lisa? - No.

No, I've never had sex.

[chuckles] Oh, oh, thank God!

But I have made love.

[retching] Ooh, Fred, the bucket!

I can't fathom why you would need a bucket, mother.

I love Malik and Malik loves me.

and we've made love to each other many, many times

and it's been fantastic.

Welp, congratulations, Lisa.

One of your most redeeming qualities isn't yours after all.

[sighs] Oh, well..

My first time was with a girl

I wasn't really in love with.

[sighs] And although I grew

to care deeply for your mother

there are times I wish I'd trained

with someone a bit more tender.

- You know? - Yeah.

So bless you both..

...for being brave enough to follow your hearts.

(Tessa) With Lisa out of the picture

Sheila had to cast her net a little wider.

Inside every girl

is a beautiful gift.

Where's the gift from?

Is it from the juniors' section?

No, it's not from the juniors' section.

The point is, the gift

must never be given away.

Oh, snizz!

That's my jam right there!

[Big Sean singing "Dance (A$$)"]

Girls, stop that!

No female role model has the last name "Minaj."

♪ Go stupid go stupid ♪

(Tessa) Thanks to the Purity Ball, I had music.

I was getting three squares

out the school vending machine.

I'd never been better.

♪ Wobble wobble I'm sta-stacking my paper ♪

♪ My wallet look like a bible ♪♪

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to tell you

that I'm glad that we broke up.

Cool. So am I.

It's gonna make it a lot easier for me to leave for college

now that we're no longer in love.

Great. So leave.

I will.

The door's right here.

[Joe Purdy singing "Mary May & Bobby"]

That's not how you leave.

You don't know how I leave.

♪ It was a fine day in the fifth grade ♪

♪ When Mary May let Bobby walk her home from school♪

♪ And he loved the way ♪

♪ Her hair fell across her dress ♪♪

(Tessa) Ironically, the playlist for the Purity Ball

was incredibly romantic.

[Chapin Sisters singing" Toxic"]

♪ Baby can't you see ♪

♪ I'm calling ♪

♪ A guy like you ♪

♪ Should wear a warning it's dangerous ♪♪

(Tessa) Sometimes..

...when you want something to be true..

Alright, there's a little step coming up right now.

You'll do anything

to convince yourself that it is.

And sometimes..

...even a blindfold can't stop you from..

...seeing things clearly.

Those better be tears of joy.

We got the place, Dallas. It's ours.

George, I can't.

You..

You're kidding right now.

I know you did this for me.

I know you do everything for me.

- But in your heart-- - You're not kidding.

- In your heart-- - Are you crazy?

- In your heart-- - Don't tell what's in my heart!

Dallas, what?

I bought a house with..

...a leather living room.

My own daughter hates my guts!

I know!

And I know you've been trying real hard to prove everything

and that's exactly what it feels like, George.

I am like this house.

You learned to love me.

But it's not the same thing as being in love with me.

You aren't.

And I don't think you ever were.

You know something?

You're the one

that doesn't love you, Dallas.

You.

And that's why

you have sabotaged this at every turn.

I have jumped through every freaking hoop

and you keep moving the hoop!

I'm never gonna convince you, am I?

I'm sorry.

(George) Oh, I-I agree. This is very sorry.

You know, I-I should've listened to Tessa.

She told me Dalia was trying to play

Steven and me against each other.

She had her dad fly in to punch me out?

What, did that give her some kind of weird satisfaction?

I had her father fly in!

I called Steven. I did.

[birds chirping]

Why?

Because I didn't want her feeling attached to you anymore.

How did this happen?

[car engine turns over]

'Well, I'll tell you one thing.'

There's no way that lighting fixture stays!

You hear me?

I'm getting rid of that ugly-ass chandelier

that represents us!

[instrumental music]

[panting]

You're going down.

[grunts]

Ugh! Alright.

I got you now

you tacky, gaudy, ugly-ass

son of a.. Aah!

[grunts]

[birds chirping]

[panting]

[dog barking in distance]

[The Chapin Sisters singing "Shady River]"

What the hell are you looking at?

[instrumental music]

♪ Sunny morning sunny afternoon ♪

♪ When it's always June ♪

♪ There's no time to cry ♪

♪ Days keep passing ♪

♪ But they're all the same ♪

♪ Seasons never change.. ♪♪

You better not be a girl.

Good.

Let's go.

(Tessa) I didn't bother waking Ryan up to say good-bye.

We'd already said good-bye.

He was going his way

and I was bound to go mine.

I just didn't know which way I was going. Not yet.

♪ Oh from the first that the line got drawn ♪

Hey, third cousin Jeff.

It's me, Tessa.

Altman?

I understand.

Yeah, anyway, it was good to catch up.

Yeah, and if your mom changes her mind..

Okay. Thanks, Rosie.

Hey, uh..

Do you know if Chelsea has the same number?

Okay.

Thanks.

♪ When you were the savior ♪

♪ And I was the taker of ♪

Hey!

'Hey!'

Oh, sorry. Not you.

I think that's...my mother.

- Oh. Hey! - Hey!

♪ Oh but man oh man ♪

Um, excuse me. Sorry.

Um...excuse me.

♪ Oh man ♪

- Alex. - Hi!

What are you doing here?

I thought you were back in Berlin.

I was supposed to be

but Berlin just seemed so far

from things, so I-I thought maybe I would

try something else for a while.

Chatswin?

Look, Tessa, no pressure whatsoever, really.

I just wanted to be around

in case you ever

wanted me around.

(Tessa) For someone who was never around

she showed up at just the right time.

♪ I have to say there was a mile or two ♪

(Tessa on answering machine) 'Hey, it's Tessa. Leave a message.'

(George on answering machine) 'Hey, Tessa, it's your dad.'

'I guess I just-I just I'm-I'm calling 'cause'

'I just wanna say..'

'...sorry.'

'I'm sorry.'

You're sleeping over, right?

[thud]

I'm living here.

No.

But I want to.

I know mommy doesn't want me attached to you but..

...it's kind of already too late.

You're a really good dad.

I don't feel like a...really good dad.

But you are one.

Can I sleep here one night?

[dog whimpers]

He'd like you to.

Just, um..

Let her know where you are.

Carmen usually sings to me.

Okay.

What's your probs?

[guitar music]

♪ There's an ocean formed outside my bedroom door ♪

♪ On the sleepless nights I listen to it roar ♪

♪ There's a road too long to walk too steep to climb ♪

♪ At the end of it is what you left behind ♪

♪ And when that train rolls in ♪

♪ If the doors open don't get in ♪

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da da ♪

♪ Da-da-da da ♪

♪ Da-da-da da ♪

♪ Da da da ♪

♪ I said da-da-da da ♪

♪ Da-da-da da ♪

♪ Da-da-da da ♪

♪ Da da da ♪♪