Original subtitles

(Tessa) Like any expecting father, Noah was nervous.

Sure, he happened to be expecting his college-age

daughter and not a newborn, but that didn't make it any easier.

You know, Opus and I like the same TV shows.

We're on the same nap schedule.

'You know, we're not embarrassed to fart around each other.'

Look, man, don't-don't overthink it.

She's your daughter. It'll be fine.

That's easy for you to say, look at you and Tessa with your

your friendship repartee.

It's disgusting.

You'd be surprised at how many people think it is disgusting.

Jenna is a cool girl.

You really don't have anything to worry about.

Yeah? Well, what if she just appears cool in group settings?

Who knows what she's like one-on-one?

No one! No one knows!

I know. We've become pretty close, actually.

Perfect, because someone needs to tell her

that Jill and I are separated.

What, you haven't told her?

Look, we can't all be the great George Altman

with our sage advice and our acoustic guitars

and our telling people of things.

I'm gonna go hit the showe-showe.

[knocking on door]

Hey.

Um, whose apartment is this?

She took the news surprisingly well.

Well, Jenna's a great girl

or should I say she appears to be

from what I've gleaned in group situations.

Now, what she's like one-on-one, I have no--

Excuse me, Mr. Altman, would you be interested

in participating in this year's "Dads of Chatswin" calendar?

- It's for charity, and-- - Javier.

I think you know damn well

George Altman is not the type to engage in a fun

playful, lighthearted activity

like the one you're about to describe.

What? Why-why would you say that?

Have you met George Altman?

I'm George Altman and I take myself real seriously.

I read the news. I listen to the news. I love news.

You know what? I resent that.

I'm George Altman. I resent things.

Javier, please ignore her and finish what you were saying.

Okay, well, as I said, it's a fun calendar for charity

where Chatswin dads pose in beefcake photos.

- See? Look at his face! - What?

See, you lost him on "beefcake."

Honestly, can you imagine George dressed up in hot pants

and holding an axe?

I mean, you just put the image in my head, so, yes, I can.

You know what?

I can imagine it, too.

I'm signing up. Thank you, Javier.

You know, just because you haven't seen me be fun and silly

does not mean I don't love to be fun and silly.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da da-da da da da ♪♪

Having Jenna around meant a chance

to finally have an intelligent conversation.

I'm telling you, after you read this book

you'll realize that all relationships

are fundamentally transactional.

Even the people you think you love

are just meeting certain base biological needs.

Wow. Why love?

That's my point. You don't.

Hey, Jenna. I'm Lisa Shay.

We met once when your dad accidentally invited me

to your ninth birthday party and I threw up

in your yard and your dog ate it.

Oh. Right. Hi.

(Dalia) 'Hey, lesbians.'

You guys should save some room for your vagtables.

Dalia. Haven't you died of syphilis yet?

Are you calling me a slut?

I'm actually impressed she got the inference.

(Dalia) 'I didn't.'

But greasy losers usually call girls like me sluts.

[instrumental music]

(Noah) 'Hey! George!'

We heard you signed up for the "Dads of Chatswin" calendar.

You're making a big mistake.

Th-these dads, they-they think they're coming off as sexy

but they look like fools.

Yeah. The kind you laugh at. Ha ha.

The weird thing is..

...I was looking through last year's calendar..

and both of you are in it.

Huh! That is weird.

(George) 'You don't look embarrassed to be'

'tiptoeing through the--'

Daffodils!

Don't you dare call them otherwise.

(George) 'And you.'

Seems oddly unseasonable for January.

Well, originally, they shot me for July

then they decided to move me to a less prominent month.

It's very competitive, George.

Come on, guys, there's no reason

we have to take this so seriously.

Yeah, it's all fun and games

until you're looking down the barrel

of a back page group shot.

We'll see who's smiling then.

'Come on, Fred.'

See ya later.

[instrumental music]

- Morning, Tessa. - Why?

Tessa, Dalia came over this morning to take you to school.

That dress is so cute, Tessa.

Sure it is.

It is. I swear.

(George) 'Dalia, you want some scrambled eggs?'

(Dalia) 'No, thanks, Daddy Altman.'

I don't eat unborn chicken fetuses.

That's, that's not what eggs are...really.

(Dalia) What are they?

Uh, well, these aren't fertilized

so they're just a-a, a normal part

of a hen's menstrual..

- How about some cereal? - 'Kay.

We may have figured out what eggs were

but I still had no idea

why Dalia was looking at me like that.

You can change this station

if you don't like Wiz Khalifa, Tessa.

Morning.

You're getting really popular, Tessa.

That salad looks really good, Tessa.

♪ Bop-zee-bop shoo-bop bop-bop-day ♪

♪ Twiggityzee iggityee ♪

♪ Zibbitybow shoobideebop ♪

♪ Igityoh ♪♪

[clapping]

A capella scatting is pretty much the rawest form

of human expression there is.

I know.

And I really liked the way you clapped after it, Tessa.

Um, Dalia, would you mind if Tessa and I had a word alone?

Can I wait out in the hallway for you guys until you're done?

- I don't see why not. - 'Kay.

Bye, Tessa.

What the hell is going on with you two?

I have no idea. It is super weird.

I've been eyeing her suspiciously all day

but I haven't picked up on any ulterior motives.

She's just...being nice.

Dalia Royce is not nice.

She's a warped, broken sociopath.

Do you think she liked my song?

Dalia wasn't the only one acting out of character.

Hi. How you ladies doing?

Have a seat.

My dad was about to embark

on a midlife modeling career.

Have you done any modeling before?

Uh, well, no, not professionally.

Well, you're clearly a natural.

- Really? - Yeah. Yeah.

You've got a great quality

potential December material

'if you ask me.'

Oh. And-and that's good?

Oh. I love his innocence.

The Decemberfold is only the most

sought after position of the year.

Oh, the Decemberfold. Did-did you say, that's what you said?

Yeah.. Of course. Of course. Come on, George.

Could you take your top off, please?

What-what now?

Could you remove your shirt?

My sh.. Uh, like..

Um...are you kidding?

Suddenly, this guy's acting like a real amateur.

Oh.

Oh. Well-well-well, okay

yeah, I should, I think..

(female #1) 'That's it. That's the stuff.'

'Tres joli.'

Mmm. He's hunky.

(female #1) 'Yes, but not a ton of definition'

'so the Decemberfold's probably out.'

Maybe we could do something with hugging

in March.

In March? Wait. No.

March? No. No.

Nobody gives a rat's ass about March.

[Folk Implosion singing "Natural One"]

Decemberfold.

Totally.

[rock music]

♪ I'm the one natural one make it easy ♪

♪ We can take it inside ♪

♪ Yeah we can take it ♪

♪ And when momma's not around ♪

♪ There's no telling what we'll do.. ♪♪

[music continues]

[cell phone ringing]

- So you are ignoring my texts. - Lisa!

What the hell?

Tessa, I needed to get in touch with you. It's urgent.

Uh, well, I'm sorry. I'm running late to meet Jenna.

- Can this wait? - No.

Well, can you make it fast?

No-o-o.

[instrumental music]

As we all know, freshman year I was blocked

from Dalia's Facebook and Twitter account

after being falsely accused of stalking her.

I didn't know that.

Well, that was before you moved to Chatswin

and I started having human friends.

But that's just preamble.

Can we get to the amble?

The point is, it takes one to know one.

And when Dalia started stalking you

I felt the need to re-stalk her to find out why.

But without access to her online life

the question was, how?

To determine?

Why she was doing it?

- There were three questions-- - Lisa.

But then I realized I simply had to create

an online fake boy identity named Lars Lissol.

You had to name him Lars Lissol?

Well...no.

That was the fun part.

The disturbing part is what Mr. Lissol uncovered.

Just this evening, Dalia accepted his friend request.

Look at her feed over the past two days.

"Watched Tessa eat an unborn chicken. LOL."

"Watched Tessa eat her salad like a boss. LOL"

She's broadcasting every single thing she does with you.

- But why? - Don't know.

I can tell you who intends to find out.

- Lars Lissol. - Yeah.

Thanks, Lisa, but I don't think that we need

to drag an imaginary person into this.

I'll just ask Dalia what's up.

It's not like she's hiding it. It's on the Internet.

I'll let you know what she says. Okay?

Okay, so I guess I'll just tell Lars

that his services will no longer be needed.

Although I can tell you right now

he would've appreciated a thank you.

Lookin' good, daddy.

Ugh.

Everything looks so heavy.

Uh, excuse me.

Sir, uh, do you have a-a printout

of the calorie count entrees?

- We most certainly do not. - Oh. Okay.

Well, can you at least ask the kitchen how much butter

they intend to put in this pan-seared salmon?

'You think you're ordering something healthy'

'cause it's a fish, and then by the time

they sneak all that butter in there, you've got this--

I'll go check on the undercover butter agenda.

- George. - Yeah?

(Dallas) 'What's up?'

You just seem a little...annoying.

Well, yeah, I'm just trying to shred up, you know?

I've got my, my big photo shoot in a couple of days, so..

Photo shoot? Is this about that silly calendar?

Ye-yes, it's about that silly calendar.

Per your suggestion, I am having a silly good time.

Well, you seem to be taking the silliness pretty seriously.

Well, th-that's because I happen to be

in the running for December.

You seem fidgety.

Yeah, that's 'cause I'm fidgeting.

It's a great way to burn calories.

I've been fidgeting for days

and it's like

hello, cheekbones. Ha ha ha.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hey. Carmen let me in.

I figured you wouldn't mind since we're

such good friends these days.

- LOL. - I'm tweeting that.

Dalia..

...what is going on?

I knew it was weird when you started

being nice to me all of a sudden

but I have no idea why you are

tweeting and posting every stupid interaction we have

for the whole world to see.

So I guess you want the true-true

as they say in my favorite movie "Cloud Atlas"

featuring Tom Hanks playing, like, 17 different roles.

Yes. Give me the true-true.

'Kay.

Jenna Werner and I used to be really good friends.

I said true-true.

Seriously, Tessa.

Her and I were mad tight

and then she, like, turned on a dollar

and ditched me.

I think her Brown friends thought she was too good for me.

And when I saw you guys hanging out, I..

You got jealous.

And I wanted her to think that I was good friends with you, too.

Look, Dalia..

...if you wanna be friends with me

you don't have to be weird about it or force it.

I mean...I can..

...imagine..

...one day us being..

...friend-like.

Thanks, Tessa.

That means a lot to me.

Since you and I are so close now

will you do me a favor?

Sure.

Will you not be friends with Jenna anymore?

I can't believe the movie's sold out.

What else should we see?

You know what?

I'm rethinking the whole movie idea in general.

I can't stop picturing my metabolism

just plummeting in there.

Can't we just go for a jog?

You could sit on my back while I do push-ups.

I'm tired of sittin' on your damn back, George!

You know, all this body conscious stuff

is super unappealing.

And ever since it started, I can't help wishing

you'd get hit by a car.

Really? Hit by a car?

Well, I'm not proud of it, George, but that's how I feel.

You know what, I think you're just mad

because the ladies are checking me out.

The ladies are checking you out

because you're wearing a garbage bag.

Hey, you have nothing to be jealous of, sugar.

Should probably come up with a different nickname

'cause I'm watching my intake.

Bye. Be careful crossin'. Or don't.

[instrumental music]

So how's the groove been now that Jenna's back?

Her and Opus getting along?

Opus lights up whenever she.. Hey.

You trying to distract me with chitchat?

I'm in my zone right now.

I will not be thrown from it!

Alright, that's fine, man, 'cause I'm in the zone, too.

Alright? I'm in the exact same zone.

Frederick.

So when do they tell us what month we get?

Oh! First, they make us work for it.

[music continues]

[song on player]

Let me see you work that sausage, George.

'It's there for a reason.'

Use it!

'Surf's up, Noah.'

Surf's all the way up.

Oh, yeah!

[instrumental music]

'That is romance, Fred.'

Oh, my heavens. You are not shy.

Alright, boys, now, I just want you

to have fun, okay? Get silly.

Alright! Now, come on, why don't you give me

a little butt-to-butt?

Come on. Don't be shy. Just a little butt-to-butt.

Don't worry. These are just for me.

Yeah!

Oh, that's fun.

Part of me is excited to get back

but part of me feels bad leaving Opus

in the middle of all this divorce drama.

But what am I gonna do, right?

I mean, the kid's gonna have issues.

Yeah.

I guess nobody gets out unscathed, right?

Speaking of which

can I talk to you about Dalia Royce?

I know this is gonna be hard to believe

because of how she acts, but I think

she still wants to be friends with you.

Yeah, but that never works.

It's always awkward trying to be friends with an ex.

What?

Dalia and I used to hook up.

What?

Two Thanksgivings ago was the first time.

[instrumental music]

(Jenna) It was more of a hate hook-up.

Say it. Say it.

You go to Brown.

[music continues]

It happened a couple more times before I broke things off.

She's been a total head case ever since

sending me pictures of her weird little boyfriend.

Did you know she got his face tattooed on her crack?

Above her crack, actually.

- I was there. - Figures.

I knew when she saw me hanging out with you

she'd try to use you next.

She's the most vindictive person I know.

All she cares about is hurting the people who hurt her.

So just be careful around her.

[door opens]

[instrumental music]

(Tessa) Dalia and Jenna used to hook up?

It was crazy, but also weirdly made sense.

Suddenly I understood Dalia's lesbian jokes

for what they were, a deflection.

Are you guys talking about me?

Jenna...told me... everything.

And I-I just want you to know that there is..

...no judgment.

Thanks, Tessa.

You're a true friend.

I'm really glad you feel that way.

And look, I've had some bad breakups, too.

I mean, who hasn't?

But sometimes I think it's best to just move on.

- I think you'll feel better-- - Thanks, Tessa. I know.

You really helped clear things up for me.

I really, really owe you one.

Yeah. If I were you, I'd move.

[indistinct chattering]

So..

This is it.

This is it.

Moments from now, I'll know whether or not

I'm too sexy for my shirt

which I suspect I am not.

Well..

It's only 'cause it's a pretty sexy shirt.

- Yeah. - Well, thank you.

- It's rayon. - Oh.

I'd like to thank all the dads for their help.

Because of you, we expect to have

a record-breaking year for our charity

mothers against the defamation of undiluted apple juice.

[clapping]

What, what, that's the charity?

- Mm-hmm. - Apple juice?

This year's Decemberfold represents everything

we look for at Maduap.

Sexiness, hunkability and a belief

in unrestrained fructose.

Get on with it! Let's see the man meat!

(female #1) 'Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for the guy'

we wanna see two pages of

George Altman!

[all clapping]

[laughing] Hey!

Aha!

Well, thank you.

Yes! Thank you! Thanks!

Oh, that, look at that. That's nice.

- 'Well done.' - 'Really great photo.'

You did it, buddy. Every man in Chatswin wants to be you.

Every woman in Chatswin wants to be with you.

Yeah.

Every woman except one.

Economists and business leaders from across the spectrum

'have said that our economy..'

- Dallas? - Hey.

(George) 'Uh, are you watching the news?'

Are you aware that we have a black president?

I mean, I'm for it, but wow.

O-okay. Tell me you're kidding.

I'm kiddin'.

I'm not for it.

Kiddin'!

Did you hear the other news?

I heard it.

Decemberfold. Congrats, George.

Shouldn't you be out celebratin' and baskin'

in the limelight, sexy pants?

You know what? I should.

But the problem is..

...the light I wanted to bask in wasn't at the country club.

[instrumental music]

Look..

...what is the point of looking great..

And I do look great. I wasn't fishing.

It's been confirmed.

But what's it all mean if it doesn't get you

the attention of the woman who matters the most?

You can be really sweet when you set your damn mind to it.

Hey, I'm sorry I said I wanted you to get hit by a car.

I fully take that all the way back.

- Thanks. - Oh! Hey!

- You brought my favorite pie! - Uh, actually, no.

This is for me. I'm freaking starving.

Oh. That is good.

Are you gonna eat that whole thing by yourself?

I was kinda planning on it, yeah.

[indistinct chattering on TV]

Hello?

Is anyone in here?

[instrumental music]

'Dalia and Mr. Altman.'

[door opens]

[gasps]

I know you think you saw something

but you didn't see anything.

- I didn't see anything. - 'Kay.

♪ Everybody's got a dark side ♪

♪ Do you love me? ♪

♪ Can you love mine? ♪

♪ Nobody's a picture perfect ♪

♪ But we're worth it You know that we're worth.. ♪

You should probably go now.

You should probably have somewhere to be.

♪ Even with my dark side ♪

♪ Don't run away ♪

♪ Don't run away ♪♪