Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday dear.. ♪

♪ Daddy Altma-a-an ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪♪

[clapping]

(Dallas) 'And look, George, there's an actual fortune inside.'

Oh, yeah. Okay.

"You will not forget gratuity."

[Oriental music]

Ready for presents?

Bring 'em on.

- Want some help? - Don't touch.

- Okay. - Here.

This was really thoughtful of me.

Oh, well, we'll just see about that.

It's a weekend getaway at a five-star B&B.

[gasps]

Wow.

It's a really romantic place.

Exciting!

Everyone who goes there gets super horny.

'When you guys go there, you'll definitely'

end up having sex with each other.

Why are you so disgusting?

Why are you such a prude?

Girls, I'm sure there are

many other attributes we can focus on.

Look, they offer horseback riding

a hedge maze, oh, and lighthouse tours.

Everyone hooks up after the lighthouse tour.

A lighthouse is basically a bright, shining..

...penis.

(Dallas) 'My turn!'

Whoa. Uh-oh. Ha ha ha.

I wonder what in the world this might be.

You'll never guess!

Okay.

Yes, look at that.

Would-would you look at that?

Oh. Okay. It's one of those. Ha ha.

Well, I, you know, I always wondered

if I could, if I could pull one of these off.

Of course, you can, George.

You deserve a guitar as sexy as you

and the man who autographed it.

Okay, yes, well, um--

Deryck Whibley!

It's a signed Whibley, George.

- Uh-- - Are you over the moon?

It came with this here certificate of whiblenticity.

And an iron-on patch for your jean coat.

O-okay. Well, that was very, very sweet.

Oh, you're welcome.

My turn.

Wow. You got him a square.

That's the shape of what I got him

except, it's a rectangle.

'Happy Birthday, dad.'

(Dalia) 'Oh, wow.'

'You got him old blue paper.'

It's a blueprint, a design from your early days

at architectural school.

I found it at my grandma's.

[instrumental music]

Why isn't he saying anything?

Maybe he's got a noodle stuck in his throat.

That happens to me sometimes.

Even after I finish chewing and swallowing

then suddenly I realize

you know what, I have a noodle

in my throat, just sittin' there.

I don't have a noodle stuck in my throat.

I was just speechless for a moment.

Are you upset?

Nowhere near it. Come here.

Thank you.

Well, guys... this has been so--

9 o'clock reservation.

...special.

Yeah, guys, get your stuff.

Oh, okay, let me.. Yeah, I'm coming.

'Come on, girls. Let's go.'

(Dallas) Come on. Let's go.

[instrumental music]

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da da-da da da da ♪♪

[school bell ringing]

Is that true? Do lighthouse tours make people horny?

- I have no idea. - Makes sense.

If you think about it, a lighthouse is basically

just a bright, shining penis.

I don't wanna argue about this, but all things considered

it was still a really good birthday.

George seemed happy and he got kind of emotional

when he opened the present I got him.

It almost looked like he was gonna cry.

Yeah, my father weeps every birthday

but it has less to do with being emotional

about gifts and more to do

with the death clock ticking loudly in his ears.

You guys! Trance party this weekend at Dalia's.

No, thanks.

Are you crazy?

Tessa, did you not hear what I just said about the death clock?

Let's enjoy our youth while we have it, shall we?

[instrumental music]

- George! - Oh, hey, Dallas.

Okay, honest opinion, should this go

above the drafting table or by the bar?

Gee, I don't know, maybe you oughta hang it

where the sun don't shine.

- Oh, crap. - Apparently, you thought so.

I-I forgot the guitar. Dallas, I'm sorry.

There was so much going on. Remember?

Th-the-the 9 o'clock reservation was waiting?

Look here, if for some reason you don't fancy a guitar

signed by Deryck freakin' Whibley

you should just come on out and say so.

I do, baby. I do. I'm sorry.

I-I fancy it.

'Cause Whibley used a guitar just like this

during his Sum 41's entire "Strength In Numbers" tour.

"Strength In Numbers." Yes, I-I know. It's a beauty.

So just say the word, George.

You just say the word and I'll get you

a flaccid, cable-knit cardigan if that's preferable.

Dallas, listen to me.

I love it. I do.

And I love you for getting it for me.

Well, you have a funny way of showing love.

Okay, let me make it up to you, I'm gonna run out to the garage

grab an amp, and play your favorite feel-good song.

What's your favorite feel-good song?

- I don't have one. - Oh, of course you do. Come on.

What can I play to put a smile on that pretty face of yours?

"Bump 'N' Grind."

I know "Lady In Red."

[instrumental music]

(Dallas) '"Alex's studio."'

(Tessa) And that's when Dallas realized

that her present had been upstaged

by George's past.

(Tessa) A trance party?

Come on, Tessa. Why not? It would be fun.

(Dalia) 'Tessa's not fun.'

[instrumental music]

Tessa's prematurely boring.

- I beg your pardon. - See?

I am scads of fun.

Fun people don't say scads.

Tessa just turned 50 with her father.

[all laughing]

Really? I did?

So then how would you explain the fact

that three nights ago I had

for dinner?

- A waffle. - Uh-oh.

That is a breakfast food.

Oh, well, folks!

Had one for dinner!

It doesn't get much wackier than that.

Actually, I think it gets much wackier.

(Dalia) 'DJ Lance Trance from France.'

His music will entrance you...if you let it.

[thinking] How did this happen?

I used to be the edgy one.

I used to be a badass.

And now, after two years in Suburbia

I'm an unfun prude?

What is she doing?

Oh, I believe she's thinking.

Well, I'm done thinking. And...I'm in.

Yeah, I'm in and-and-and I'm fun

and I'm wild and I'm down to do whatevs to help.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go..

...wizz-nosh my food holders.

Yup, I called 'em food holders

'cause that's what they does.

Meanwhile, Dallas sought refuge

in the place where all the unsatisfied women

of Chatswin found satisfaction, The Ziti Zone.

(Dallas) 'Jill! Jill Werner!'

Jill had found more satisfaction than most.

I'm so glad I found you.

Mmm.

Dallas. Have you eaten?

The fettuccine carbonara tastes like two angels made it.

Two angels who are pretty liberal

with their use of cream and cheese and ham.

Oh, I can't eat, Jill. My stomach's in knots.

I messed up.

I messed up big-time.

I let myself fall in love with George Altman

even though..

Even though what?

Don't get me wrong, Jill.

George cares for me, I know he does

but I am not the love of his life.

I am just the love in his life.

Oh.

I feel so vulnerable.

What should I do, Jill? Tell me.

You're the strongest white woman I know.

Besides Pink.

Look, Dallas, I can't sit here

and pretend to have all the answers

or enough fresh pepper.

Thank you.

When Noah first left..

I will let you know

when I'm done.

...I was filled with despair.

But then... I did something radical.

I did something that no one

in their right mind would do.

I purchased "Eat Pray Love" on Blu-ray.

You heard me. I own it now.

And while I haven't yet transitioned

from the eating phase..

I feel remarkably better

in part because I hadn't consumed carbohydrates

in 15 years.

So are you trying to tell me

that your inner strength comes from..

Carbo loading.

Mmm.

And listening to my inner voice

which is telling me to carbo load.

Well, you do seem remarkably content.

Mmm.

I am, Dallas. I am.

And so while I don't mean to oversimplify

your issues with George

I feel I would be remiss if I didn't ask.

Would you like an endless bowl of spaghetti?

Why, yes.

Yes, I suppose I would.

(Dallas on voice mail) 'Sorry, I can't take your call right now.'

'I'm doing me.'

'Leave a message and I'll return'

'when I'm ready to do you.'

Hey, Dallas, it's George.

Uh, so let me see..

You took off without saying goodbye

and now you're not answering my calls.

So I'm guessing you're still upset with me.

Could you call me back please so we can talk?

- Leave your number. - She-she has my number.

I like to leave it again, just in case.

You have my number. Just call me back, please.

(Noah) 'Let me guess, she's mad at you.'

I'm going through the same thing with my old lady.

You mean your old cleaning lady?

I don't know.

She's kept me at Swiffer's length

ever since I confessed my love for her.

Well, maybe I didn't come on strong enough.

Maybe I didn't prove myself.

I'm considering challenging her father to a knife fight.

Assuming he's local.

Right, but unlike you and Carmen

Dallas and I are actually in a relationship.

We're together. She should feel secure.

I shouldn't have to...slash the cheek of her father.

Look, I don't understand..

Hmm.

...w-women.

That's why I started seeing a therapist.

You should ask him why Dallas won't call you back.

He's right over there. Hi, Bob!

I'm, uh, expressing an interest in others

and I'm avoiding my Carmen triggers.

Stop seeking my approval.

Will do! I love you.

Is he looking over here?

Oh.

Hi, mommy.

I packed your bags for your getaway with Daddy Altman.

Dalia Oprah, you can go ahead and unpack that whole thing

'cause I'm not going anywhere.

You might be pinterested to know

that your mommy's done giving her love away.

From now on, I'm gonna eat, pray, love myself.

Well, can you love yourself somewhere else?

Truth is, I'm having a party tonight

and I'm gonna need you to get the H out of our H.

I see. And I pity you, Dalia.

'Cause you're in a place where you're still

seeking outside love and affection.

Me? I'm done looking outside.

From now on, if my stomach's gonna be in knots

I want it to be because I've been eatin' garlic knots.

Which reminds me, I found a great place for garlic knots.

So if you need me, that's where I'll be.

Sometimes, to win the heart of your true love

you have to be willing to spice things up.

(Noah) 'Carmensita!'

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪♪

Mr. Werner, why are you

dressed like man?

'Cause I know you love him.

Tapatio

a run for his dinero.

Aah-hai!

I want to be the man you reach for when you're hungry!

[music continues]

Oh, brother.

Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, get 'em all

out of the house!

I want to tell each and every one of them

how much I love you!

Carm?

Is everything okay?

Dr. Bob?

What is my therapist doing here?

You make house calls? In your pajamas?

No.

No, I don't.

No. No, no!

Bob, you scoundrel!

Carmen and I are seeing each other.

But you know that I am deeply

in love with Carmen.

And now I...understand why.

[music continues]

Not now!

- Get in the house, Bob. - Yes.

This is incredibly unprofessional!

Noah, I take it, I won't be seeing you

at our usual time on Monday?

Um, no! I don't think so!

But I'm not canceling now. I-I'm canceling the morning of!

You hear that? I'm canceling the morning of!

I understand, but I-I'm afraid if you do that

I'll still have to bill you for the hour.

And keep in mind that your insurance

won't reimburse you for a missed appointment

so I'm just going to ask you one more time.

Are you canceling?

Yes. I'm canceling.

I'm canceling.

[instrumental music]

Arrra-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[music continues]

Which one of these tops says

"I'm enjoying my youth as much as you reckless teens?"

- The green one. - Totally.

Oh, hey, aren't you supposed to be getting on the road

'by now for your weekend getaway with Dallas?'

Oh, I think those plans are on hold at the moment.

Dallas isn't returning my calls.

I think she's still upset over the flying V incident.

Yeah, well, not everyone can knock it out

of the park like I did.

Gifting is a gift that I am gifted at.

Yes, you are, and if I'd been able to make Dallas feel

that she was gifted at gifting

then we probably wouldn't be having

this conversation right now. But come on.

I mean, a brand-new guitar?

What's wrong with a brand-new guitar?

Well, when it comes to musical instruments

new isn't meaningful.

Then what is?

History.

[instrumental music]

It wasn't the guitar. It was the blueprint.

She's mad about the blueprint.

[sighs]

[trance music]

Hiya! Dalia!

Wow. Really looks like your party is the cat's pajizzles.

Yeah. That'll be $50.

Uh, I'm not paying $50

to walk into a wall.

[music continues]

Then you can go watch "Wheel Of Fortune" at home.

Already DVR'd it, like a boss.

Okay, I'd...like to stay.

Now, I have enough to pay Lance Trance

and get the tattoo I want

that mommy can't know about.

A tattoo?

I wanted to say it was a bad idea.

I wanted to say that whatever thorny rose

or Sanskrit nonsense she was leaning towards

she'd surely regret.

But I decided to just say

what any kid my age

would have said.

Cool.

I should have stopped there because the next thing

I said was..

Throw your food holders in the air!

Ho ho ho!

[music continues]

Sometimes, to prove yourself

you have to be willing to do something embarrassing.

♪ My mind's telling me no ♪

♪ But my body ♪

♪ My body's telling me yes ♪

♪ See I know just what you want ♪

♪ And I know just what you need girl ♪

♪ So baby bring your body to me ♪

George, what are you doing?

♪ I'm not foolin' around with you ♪

♪ Oh baby my love is true ♪

♪ With you is where I want to be ♪

I'm about to partake in a five-cheese ravioli here.

♪ Girl you need someone ♪

♪ Someone like me ♪

♪ To satisfy your every need ♪

Ma'am, this is a family restaurant.

Hold up. He's about to get to the chorus.

♪ I don't see nothin' wrong ♪

♪ With a little bump and grind ♪

♪ I don't see nothin' wrong ♪

♪ No no no ♪♪

Sir, please.

George.

You learned R. Kelly for me.

I would do anything for you, baby.

Except conceptualize a house for us to grow old in together.

Okay, come on, Dallas, that house was never even built.

And I don't have to tell you that there was no

happily ever after, not for me and Alex.

But maybe there could be for us.

I guess there's a part of me that worries

you're never gonna feel as strongly about me

as you did about her.

And if that's the case, then maybe I should move on.

Find my own happiness

inside myself.

Inside this Italian chain restaurant.

Look, we both led full lives before we met.

You know, we have, we have kids, we have exes

we have lots of history that doesn't involve each other.

But every day we spend together--

- We're making our own history. - Exactly.

And if there's ever anything I can do

to make you feel more secure

then tell me, 'cause I take requests.

Oh, I'd like to hear the "Neutron Dance."

To move forward, Dallas and George

would have to build their own history.

And Dalia and I would have to leave ours

in the past.

Mmh.

Mmm mmh!

Wanna squeeze my hand?

Are you sure?

I know you use those to hold food.

I don't mind.

How does it look?

(Tessa) 'It looks like Evan's head is climbing'

'out of your butt crack.'

Perfect.

[instrumental music]