Original subtitles

(clock ticking)

(birds chirping)

-(door opens) -(footsteps approach)

-(Colin sighs) -(dog barking)

(sighs)

You know, I-I think she will be here.

She's probably just stuck in traffic.

Why don't we head in?

Wait inside?

(car driving by)

(light piano music playing)

♪ ♪

You know, maybe she got lost.

Brooke: She told you she was coming?

Yeah, it seemed that way. We emailed, but I don't know.

Brooke: Colin.

-Can you put your phone down? -Colin: (sighs) I'm sorry.

(clears throat) I'm sorry. This is just tough.

-I was looking forward to seeing her. -But you've done what you can.

You opened the door.

And you have to remember-- she experienced something traumatic.

But, on the bright side,

gives us an opportunity to focus on you.

About moving forward.

Have you given any thought about

what's next for you? Plans for the future?

(sighs) No. I mean, not really.

Just...

Trying to lay a few bricks,

get a foundation under me,

-you know? -Oh, that's a teensy bit vague.

I'd love to hear more.

Get my fucking ducks in a row.

-Mend some fences. -Okay.

-So, you're making amends to people? -Uh,

-well, I'm trying. -Okay, putting Hannah aside for the moment.

What about the other people in your life?

-No one else matters. -Well, let's start small.

Talk about tomorrow.

What does tomorrow look like for you?

(sighs) Well, one thing I have to do is get a new place.

Can't stay at my buddy Matthew's anymore. His wife...

Boof.

I looked at a couple of places this week in Venice.

You know, nothing great.

But you have the means?

I thought you said the government seized everything.

I still got stake in my parents' companies, you know, and...

few things squirreled away. (clicks tongue)

But I go in these houses, they just all feel,

you know, so empty without her.

Can I just-- I'm just gonna check my phone one more time.

Let's-- Let's get back to your plans.

Have you given any thought to work?

Jesus Christ, I feel like

you're not listening to me at all. This is what's on my mind.

This is what I'm dealing with.

You're just ignoring that. It's like you're not responding

-to what's going on in the room. -I apologize,

but this is our last session, and I don't want to waste it.

How is addressing what

the patient's struggling with a waste?

Brooke: Well, I guess the way I see it,

this isn't a bad thing.

You reached out to her, she was receptive.

Now, you have to wait and see what happens next.

I-I don't mean to be dismissive or callous,

but I also don't want to let you leave here

without covering certain things.

Now last week was good.

I want us to keep going.

I don't want to spend a whole session talking about someone

who I don't know, who's not here.

You are going to be on your own.

I want to make sure we're laying the groundwork for success.

(quietly): All right.

I'll be fine.

Hm.

(sighs) I got invited

to this speaker series. There's this...

tech campus in Playa Del Rey.

Once a month, they have someone come give a talk.

They asked me if I wanted to do something

about the pitfalls of working in the industry.

-That's great. -Yeah, maybe.

I could do that for a while, see where it takes me.

You know what, I'm sorry. I just can't pretend

like my mind is somewhere that it's not.

(sighs)

Would you be comfortable sharing

what you said to Hannah in your email?

I-I talked about how much you've helped me.

That you kicked my ass a little bit, and that it's a good thing.

It's helping me get somewhere. You know,

growth, responsibility, being a fucking adult.

Thirty years too late, but, hey, that's me.

And her response?

She seemed open to meeting, which, you know,

made me kinda nervous, thinking about what I would say.

And what would you say, if she were here?

That I fucked up.

That I know it.

That I love her, and that I always will.

And that I am sorry for the way I lied to her.

And that I am taking accountability. Ha!

Thanks to you.

That you've made me dig into and under all the stupid,

fucked-up defense mechanisms I have.

All the bullshit that I spin.

You're pulling something out of me, Brooke.

Something that I didn't even know was still there.

The person I was before all the...

everything that sent me spiraling out of control.

The person Hannah married?

That was me.

When I was lying in that hospital bed,

this close to dying, I-I found him again.

That's why I straightened up my act. I knew,

you know, I had to get back to her

as soon as I could.

(scoffs)

Just turns out it was too late.

You know, it's...

interesting because you never really talked

about her until last week.

-Why do you think that is? -(sighs)

Colin: It's too raw, I guess.

You know, it's that thing that's hovering in

your peripheral vision that you're pretending isn't there,

but it is. It always is.

And it's following you around wherever you go.

Now I just have to find a way forward without her,

knowing that she will always be the one,

but that she will never be mine.

Listen, I-I know what you're thinking.

"Is this guy a fuckin' stalker?" Well, I'm not.

That isn't what I was thinking.

Colin: I know I have to let her go...

and just be grateful for the time that I did have with her.

Brooke: I think that's...

It's a lovely sentiment,

and I think how we all have to look

at those people we love,

or loved

at one time,

but know we can never be with.

Good for you.

That's it?

We talked about narratives,

stories we all tell ourselves

to make sense of

a complicated world, filled with

emotionally complicated people.

Now, last week,

yours was vilifying Hannah to make yourself

feel better. -Well, obviously,

I've reconsidered that perspective since then.

Which is good,

but now, there's a new story.

-Your love is unwavering. -What,

you're telling me that I don't love her?

I'm not telling you anything. I'm...

(sighs) sort of stumbling around for my point.

Yeah, no shit. Heh.

I guess what I'm getting at is that

you are doing all of this in a vacuum.

(whispers): She's not here.

We don't know why.

And that's part of the reason why

I'm reluctant to dwell on the subject.

Yeah, but I do know. (scoffs)

-She's moved on. -Did she say that?

She's seeing someone. Or not seeing, she's...

involved with someone. In a relationship.

I heard from a mutual friend.

-When did you learn that? -This week.

Why did you wait to tell me?

You know, I'm sorry if I'm not telling you things

-in the order you want to hear them. -No, it's just

I would think you'd be grappling with it.

This is me grappling with it. Or I would be

grappling with it if I could hold your fuckin' attention.

Brooke: So when you were talking about

your broken heart, that's why?

-You meant it was too late. -Yes!

Were you shocked? I mean, it's been four years.

Well, just because you see something coming,

-doesn't make it hurt any less when it hits you. -Sure.

So her coming here today was about mending fences?

Yeah, to apologize. Show her that

she doesn't have to hate me anymore.

Brooke: And is that what bothers you more?

That she's out there in the world thinking

you're a bad person, or not having

-a romantic connection with her? -Can't it be both?

Absolutely, yes, but you know

that a romantic relationship was probably off the table

given the way things ended.

And, as far as her changing her mind about you,

that still hasn't been ruled out.

And again,

you've done what you can. You've opened the door.

No door is open!

Okay? I invited her here. She didn't show up.

She's with another guy. They're having a...

Having a what?

Is Hannah pregnant?

(sighs) Yes.

-Twenty-two weeks or something. -I thought she couldn't...

(laughs) Yeah, so did I.

Maybe they figured it out. Or maybe this dude's just got

a magic cock that can deliver the payload

with superior force and accuracy.

So with all of your difficulties,

you never thought to take a look to see

whether you might be the cause?

-That was a joke about the magic cock. -I know, but did you?

-Get checked out. -No. I-I'm good.

So you never went to see a doctor,

even at your advanced age?

"Advanced age"? I beg your pardon?

(wry chuckle)

A guy can pop a Viagra on his deathbed and knock someone up.

It's possible, but it gets harder as you get older.

Sperm motility drops.

-What are you getting at? -I don't know, honestly.

Last week, you left here hoping

she would come in, and in the interim,

you've learned that she's seeing another man,

is having a child, and you didn't lead with that.

I had to dig that out of you,

and I'm trying to figure out why.

Well, I, I-- you know, I don't know.

Anyway, we don't have to talk about Hannah anymore, alright?

I know you want to focus on the future.

Reproduction

-can be a tough subject, but I want to make sure-- -Wait, wait, wait.

Reproduction? Who the fuck's talking about reproduction?

Brooke: An inability to conceive

can be challenging for men.

Their masculinity is wrapped up in it.

Colin: (scoffs) Holy shit.

My masculinity's not wrapped up in an ability

to reproduce. I didn't want kids, okay?

But you tried.

For a long time, and then,

-this other guy comes along-- -I'm not worried about it!

This is difficult for a lot of men

to talk about it, particularly when they're working

with a female therapist.

Oh, Brooke. No, you're-- This is-- this is not it.

These things are utterly random, but so many men

are consumed by this idea of virility.

We simply ignore the fact that some men simply cannot--

Oh, good god, I had a vasectomy when I was 30 years old!

Alright, nine or 10 years before I even met Hannah, okay?

I didn't want kids. My dick works fine.

Mystery solved.

Why?

(scoffs) I was a 30-year-old guy

with a few hundred million dollars in the bank.

I-I-- It was...

it was a business decision.

It's actually funny.

I had dinner. My dad, he set me up

with this entertainment lawyer he knew. This...

This guy he'd done business with.

Slick white hair, pinky ring, very old school,

sort of past his prime.

He lived in this, uh,

this old apartment tower in West Hollywood.

He has me pick him up there and take him to Dan Tana's.

Do you know Dan Tana's?

Uh, well, we have dinner,

and he knows everyone there.

There's a vodka martini waiting for him when he sits down.

You know, just a total operator.

I tell him I made all this money,

asked him if he has any advice,

and he says, "Get a vasectomy.

"You don't want some kid knockin' on your door 20 years from now,

who has your eyes, lookin' for a handout."

(soft laugh)

And that-that was the only advice he gave me.

He just sat there and ate his veal

and told me stories about Diana Ross.

(sigh, soft laugh)

Anyway, it was sort of

a random experience.

(sighs)

If I seem overly blunt and a bit direct,

it's because we're short on time and I want to get

to the bottom of a few things today before you leave.

Okay.

There are lies you are telling yourself,

and there are lies you are telling me, and I need to know

which is which if I am going to be of any help to you.

So, why don't you stop telling me lies,

and we can go from there?

I-I'm not telling any lies.

Anything short of complete honesty right now

will be upsetting to me.

I have given you my time, my sincere effort,

and I expect you to tell me the truth in return.

Okay.

Great.

You had a vasectomy.

Yes.

And that business about, "We tried everything" was...

That was true.

Make that make sense to me.

It snowballed.

The whole pregnancy thing.

At first, you know, we were just fucking all the time.

There wasn't an issue.

And, yeah, we-we'd talk about kids, but it was just...

just fantasy.

Wasn't making plans, you know? It was like you say anything.

"Oh, we'll move to fuckin' Tuscany one day and make wine."

I mean...

It wasn't like, you know,

"I want kids." "Me, too. Let's try."

She was on birth control.

And then she stopped taking it, and it was--

I think she wanted to surprise me.

It wasn't a fantasy for her.

Colin: Which I realized too late.

And then she was all upset because it wasn't happening,

and then, at that point,

it sort of became this adventure,

trying all these weird things, but it wasn't...

(sighs) Look, I admit

I mislead somewhat when I told you we tried everything.

We were just having lots of sex. That's all. I--

It sounds terrible, I know, but

when we were in it, when I was...

You know, I knew

I didn't want kids,

and this seemed like, "Oh, we'll try."

You know? And then things will go back to normal.

We'll keep doing our thing and,

you know, for whatever reason, she won't get pregnant,

and that'll be our story.

I didn't think it would drag on the way it did.

But when it had been a while, I just couldn't...

I mean, how does a person possibly reveal that?

Hannah still doesn't know?

-No, I-I did tell her. -When?

After I got arrested.

They slapped the cuffs on you, and you said,

"By the way, I had a vasectomy"?

When she visited me in prison with a stack of divorce papers.

-You did it as an act of retribution. -No, no. It was just--

She asked you for a divorce,

-and you threw it in her face. -We were laying everything

out on the table, alright? No more secrets.

Brooke: You had to know she wasn't coming today.

Did you even invite her?

Uh... (stammers)

I wrote her, and I told her about you.

Because you stood in my driveway

looking longingly at the street.

This is very disturbing to me.

That you would take it to this level.

I told you I was gonna invite her.

I just got cold feet. I was embarrassed, you know?

I didn't wanna talk about the exact shit

we're talking about right now, but I love her.

-I'll always love her, that much is true. -You can't lead a person

to believe that they're incapable of having a child

because you want to avoid difficult conversations,

and then say that you love them.

That's a cruel thing to do.

Look, I just explained the whole thing.

It was a little time. It was-- it was just...

one chapter, and then...

(sighs) Listen, I was wrong!

I get that, in a big picture,

pearly gates look-at-your-life.

It was a colossal error in judgment.

I was wrong on that level, but I was also wrong in thinking

that it could ever just go away.

It was so hard dealing with that. And afterward, I mean...

every month, it became

this little mini-tragedy when she'd get her period.

-It really took a toll. -Of course it did.

-Yes, in hindsight. -Okay,

I think we now have something in the neighborhood

of an honest accounting of that piece of your life,

at least in terms of what happened and when.

You lied, then revealed the truth to her

when she asked for a divorce.

Is that accurate?

Well, it leaves out a lot of nuance.

I'm not interested in your nuance right now.

Okay. Yes.

Why tell me this whole love story?

I don't get what your play is here.

Did you want me to look at you as pitiful

because that plays better than deceitful and self-centered?

You... you're putting all this, like, forethought into it.

Like I made some fuckin' flowchart of

how to make who feel what.

I told you things that were true.

Yes, I omitted salient details,

perhaps to make myself look better.

Oh, am I the first person on Earth to do that? No.

It's how we live. We shape our experiences.

-We-we-we build up a story. -That's not how I live.

I don't create elaborate charades

just to get things out of people.

-(scoffs) Oh, come on. -I don't.

Really?

How's your back feelin', Brooke?

(soft laugh)

Your characterization of your marriage,

perfect until the FBI came into your life,

that wasn't quite right, was it?

No. I told you,

the pregnancy thing took a toll.

Or maybe it was just time at that point.

You know, after five years, you start to grate on each other.

Yeah, we had fights,

we certainly weren't fucking anymore because,

you know, that was a whole trigger

of endless misery over not...

Oh, man.

Talk about a plan backfiring.

Brooke: Lies do that. They backfire.

-They have consequences... -I think I know that.

Do you? Because you went to jail

for doing exactly what you are doing in here.

Your file says you told an investor that your

"whatever software thing," that it could do things

that it couldn't, right?

I guess, in a very broad, imprecise,

-borderline wrong sense. -They put their money

into it based on the lies that you told them.

You painted a rosy picture and got them on board.

-Yeah, sure. -You painted yourself as a visionary.

You know (scoffs),

it sounds like you really don't have an understanding

-of the kind of business I was in. -Enlighten me.

Colin: That's what you do.

You tell a story.

You get people invested emotionally.

It's what I'm great at.

By the way, it's what everyone does in the tech industry.

-Nothing works until it does! -But things eventually do.

They eventually do work. I have a phone that works.

I have a computer that fucking works.

(laughs) Yeah, but before they did,

people took a chance. They saw the potential,

and then they put their money into it.

I was one of those people.

I saw something that looked good,

I invested, and by the time I was 30,

I had a quarter-billion dollars in my bank account.

You mentioned that, hence the vasectomy.

That worked out. Sometimes, things don't work out.

Brooke: You are going to speak

to young entrepreneurs about the dangers of your industry.

What are you going to tell them?

Gee, I don't know. Uh,

spent four years in jail, lost everything,

got assaulted by a psychopath, and then became a social pariah.

You know, I think I have a few things I can tell them, Brooke.

Brooke: But have you learned anything?

Really? Have you learned anything?

Because it seems that, to you, the truth doesn't matter.

The only thing that matters is how you are perceived.

Something doesn't work, tell them that it does.

Someone is critical of you, spin a tale of lost love.

I told myself that I had reached a point in my career

that I did not have to treat narcissists.

It is fruitless, and it is exhausting.

I'm not a narcissist.

Hannah, me, the investors.

We are not people to you. We are obstacles to overcome.

Fool me and move on to whoever's next.

I don't want to fool you. I want you to like me.

-Even if it means lying to me? -Well,

-what other choice do I have? -Doing the exact opposite.

But the truth isn't pretty. You can see that now.

It isn't met with warmth, understanding, sympathy.

It's met with scorn and judgment. Hell,

you're in a goddamn fit about it.

But you know what?

I envy you.

That pedestal you look down on the world from.

I've never been up there, but it looks super fucking cozy.

It's telling that honesty seems like

-an unattainable, lofty goal to you. -Oh, you act so superior,

but it's easy for you to tell the truth.

You're an impressive person. You know,

you're virtuous and-and you're smart and you're talented.

The lie is all I have.

There's nothing here.

I'm not good at anything.

I-I don't have any ideas.

The only thing-- The only thing I have is my ability

to convince people of things, to make them see something

that isn't there, and that is fucking magic!

I mean, I built a person out of nothing.

A successful person. That's impressive. It's just--

It's not valued. It's looked down upon.

But, hey, that's nice, right? Gives everyone like you

an opportunity to wag their finger and be like,

"Oh, no. That'd never be me."

You want me to tell the truth and have nothing?

Well, no thanks.

And you know, in all of this, what-what's...

what's lost, what no one will ever say

but is super fucking true? I did Hannah a favor!

I mean, look at me! I can't be a father!

-I protected her! -You lied to her.

-You made her feel ashamed. -Oh, you don't know what the fuck

she felt.

But I'll tell you this-- It wasn't shame.

She thought, oh, who knows?

Her wishing crystals weren't charged enough.

You know, it-it was frustration that

we hadn't found the correct lunar alignment.

That someone had misread her uterine horoscope.

You're defending this person like she's some treasure.

You haven't even met her!

And honestly, Brooke, like it or not, I know you a little bit.

You would fucking hate her!

I mean, she's got a lot of wonderful qualities.

She is sincerely one of the smartest, most insightful

people I've ever met. But in addition to that,

she's a fuckin' idiot. She'd drive you up the goddamn wall.

(sighs)

I want you to like me.

Not-not just because of the court thing, but because I like you.

You know, you're the-- you're the type of person

I'd like to impress. I tried to make that happen.

I failed. I'm sorry.

And with my business, I...

I just tried to pull a rabbit out of my hat, you know?

I tried to get enough money to keep working long enough

to make the whole thing work. I got in over my head.

I gambled, I lost. Again, I'm sorry. I say it so much,

I should have it tattooed on my fuckin' forehead.

So...

what am I supposed to do?

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll fucking dust myself off and try again.

Because if there's one thing I've mastered, it's failure.

It doesn't faze me anymore.

That's all the time I have.

Huh.

That's all the time we have.

♪ ♪

Goodbye, Colin.

(birds chirping)

(sighs)

Well, it was nice knowing ya.

-(door opens) -(Brooke sighs)

(door shuts)

(exhales)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪