Original subtitles

On a scale of one to ten, how much are you dreading this?

-(laughs) I'm not dreading this at all. -(chuckles)

So, a one then.

You know, I, uh, I wouldn't blame you if you were.

-Can I get you some water? -Uh, yeah.

Yeah, sure, that'd be great.

(opens fridge)

(grabs bottle)

(shuts fridge)

(sighs)

(sighs)

Um, I-I'm good here,

if your back is still bothering you.

Oh, I'm feeling better. Thank you.

'Cause I, um, I do like this chair,

if it's all the same to you.

It's not.

(light piano music playing)

♪

You know, I-I like that plant.

I keep seeing it everywhere.

There was one in the coffee place I went to this morning.

-It's a fiddle-leaf fig. -Hm.

When I'm back on my feet,

I'm gonna get more into plants.

I love caring for plants.

Slows you down.

They're on a completely different clock.

Yeah, they mock us with their longevity.

When we're gone, they'll all have a good laugh.

-What do you mean? -Oh, you know. We all tried so hard,

worried about so much,

made plans, got mad at each other, and for what?

You know, I saw a fight this morning.

Two guys got into it

over a-a parking spot.

And, uh, speaking of silly grievances,

um (clears throat)...

I wrote to that woman that I was telling you about.

The, uh, tech writer?

Yeah, I was thinking about her after our last session.

-You're nervous, I can tell. -No. I...

-What did you say to her? -Well, I-I went through a bunch of drafts,

starting at the, you know, most juvenile,

venomous, hate-filled version,

and then, gradually, I got more and more conciliatory.

-Where did you land? -I didn't send it.

I just...

I just...

It was so unlikely to have any effect at all.

You know, and ultimately, I realized I was trying

to write something magnanimous that I didn't really believe.

And the only reason I was trying to do that is 'cause I-I...

I wanted to impress you.

Me?

Yes. I went through this whole exercise,

so I'd be able to come in here and show you

what a swell guy I really am.

As it turns out, I am impressed.

Hm.

Sounds like you've taken an honest look

at your motivations, and...

I find that encouraging.

And I'm glad that you didn't send it to her.

Yeah, thanks. Me, too.

Why do you think

you were trying to impress me?

Well, because the end of our last session,

you said you didn't like me.

I said it wasn't important for the work

we do in here for me to like you.

-You can hear how that sounds like you don't like me, right? -And you can understand

how it's different from what it sounds like?

Okay, so it doesn't matter that you like me for our work.

But to me, it does!

I don't know what that says about me.

I look forward to you telling me at some point,

but it is what it is, and...

(sighs) I just...

-I-I need you to like me. -Okay.

I recognize that self-reflection, and I will

-be open to it. To... -To what?

To liking you.

Such a dick.

(laughs)

-We both like plants. We're halfway there. -(both laugh)

So, in writing the letter and deciding not to send it,

do you think this is something

-you've put to bed? -(sighs)

Do you know what? I-I don't wanna think about her.

Her time will come, she'll slip up,

the world will turn on her.

I'll sit quietly by, sipping a piping hot cup of

go-fuck-yourself.

But until then, I just wanna put her out of my mind.

Okay. Rooting for another person's public demise

isn't great, but we only have so much time,

so I'm happy to move on to another subject.

Ah. Great. Like what?

Like you.

Oh, right.

(sighs) Well, let's see.

Plants. I love 'em, but we covered that.

Uh...

-I love being outdoors. -Now we're getting somewhere.

(laughs) Yeah, I grew up running around the woods,

knee-deep in mud, bare-ass naked most of the time.

Our house was on Greenvale Road,

right on the San Lorenzo River.

That's where my parents got the name. And I-I just loved--

Where-where your parents got the name?

For their company?

-Greenvale Foods. -Are they the ones

who make the little cranberry crackers?

-Among other things. -Oh, I love those!

I think I have some of those in my pantry right now.

-Yeah. We all do, Brooke. -(laughs)

-And are they still doing that or-- -Oh no.

No, they're super dead.

But yeah, yeah. Started off making granola

in that rambling little shack on the river,

turned it into a giant thing.

Every health food store in the country.

-Were you close? -Mm, yeah.

I mean,

you know, "yeah."

They were very busy people.

Oh. Busy parents are a good thing

from a therapist standpoint.

Hm. Yeah?

Much easier to untangle busy parents

than overly attentive ones,

depending on what they were doing. If they were busy...

doing cocaine,

-that's bad. -Mm.

When did they pass?

Um...

It's 10 years ago, about.

Wow.

Yeah, it's coming up on 10 years.

Huh. They were going

to a consortium way out in Alaska.

Eco-conscious business leaders.

You know,

titans kayaking together,

and they were-- they were on a seaplane that crashed.

Oh. That's terrible.

Yeah.

-I am so sorry. -Thank you.

Yeah, they were always going on exotic trips.

You know, but by the time I was 14 or 15,

I didn't wanna go to Sri Lanka.

I wanted to hang out with my friends.

And so, they started traveling without me.

Oh, that was great. They'd be gone two or three weeks.

I'd be livin' large.

You know, eating Stouffer's mac and cheese,

and sneaking into rock clubs every night.

-Every kid's dream. -It was just

so goddamn fun!

You name the band, I saw them

in a tiny, fuckin' sweaty, nasty club.

And I mean everybody,

and all before they were anything.

Still friendly with some of those guys.

Or, I was before.

So what, uh, what-what were you into?

-Music-wise? -Mm-hmm.

Whatever middle-of-the-road pop thing

I could sneak past my father.

My father was a jazz snob. (scoffs)

He'd put on Thelonious Monk and be like,

-"This is real music." -(laughs)

(laughs)

But I was in eighth grade

-when the whole Dre and Snoop thing started. -Oh shit.

Okay, now-now a picture's coming together.

I don't even know if I liked it

or if it was just what everyone was listening to--

Oh, isn't that crazy? Things we'll try to like?

You know, I did that with Monk actually. Oh God...

I even bought a stupid little hat to try to look like him,

and it didn't work.

-You don't say? -(laughs)

Oh God, when I think about that, it was like...

a performance.

I just wanted those musicians who were cool

and sophisticated...

I wanted to be indistinguishable from them.

I wanted an outsider to look at me

and see something that,

in retrospect, I just wasn't.

Do you still do that?

Yes.

Maybe. God, I don't know.

I'd hate to think I haven't gotten any closer to an authentic self.

I no longer listen to music that I hate,

which is good.

Don't you love that feeling when you

admit to yourself that you just don't like something

that you know you're supposed to like?

I think it's because, like...

like you were saying,

you can feel yourself taking a teeny, tiny step

towards your authentic self.

Yeah. I mean, look, do I-- do I really like plants?

I mean, I like plants. Who doesn't like plants?

But do I wanna learn about plants

or care for plants or...

do I just wanna be the kind of person who would...

you know, like plants?

That makes me think of the tech writer.

Wanting people to have a certain idea of you.

Hm.

Wait a minute. Are we... are we doing therapy again?

We always were.

(laughs)

I think you spend

too much time in other people's heads.

I think you make up stories, which is natural, but...

you don't really know what people are thinking.

And you certainly can't control what they think about you,

or how they feel about you.

I don't know about that. Sorta what I do.

I mean, I just turned you around in 10 minutes.

You fuckin' love me now.

My feelings notwithstanding.

-I knew it! -(both laugh)

No one is liked by everyone.

There have to be many people

you haven't been able to charm.

Mm...

Well, Mr. Pineapple Juice.

What about your ex-wife?

Oh, you know, my ex-wife for one.

-I was wondering when we'd get to her. -(laughs)

(clears throat) Yeah, I charmed the fuck outta her,

and then the charm faded. Hmm.

Or, should I say, was extinguished

by a swarm of FBI windbreakers

storming our house and ruining our life.

You mentioned her in passing last week.

Seems like the bad blood is mutual?

If that's how it sounded, that was a defense mechanism.

It's just...

it's too painful, I think.

It's probably why I haven't brought it up.

-What's her name? -Hannah.

How'd you meet?

This neighbor of mine was having a barbecue.

Um, as I'm walking up to his place,

this stunning woman was coming from the other direction.

Just gorgeous.

And we arrive at the gate at the same time

and do that sort of stutter-step.

You know, "Excuse me, excuse me,"

and it was like a current was running between us.

It was like two...

intricate, interlocking pieces

just found each other and went...

-thwip. -Mm.

And she moved in a week later.

We were the...

the king and queen of Venice Beach.

We got married the next year,

flew all of our friends down to a little hotel in Belize,

took over the whole joint.

We were having so much fun, we ended up staying two weeks.

All of us.

It was like we were the axis of a...

whole social ecosystem.

You know, um, musicians and artists

and-and-and entrepreneurs.

This big Venn diagram of amazing people,

and we were right at the center.

And it wasn't like we weren't tested.

You know, some couples, they...

First rainy day, they realize

they can't fucking stand each other. Not us.

And how did you respond to the rainy days?

We rode it the fuck out.

You know, I was, uh, 40 when we met.

I figured kids weren't in the cards,

but she, that's what she wanted,

and I was on board, but...

Um, didn't work out for her.

You know, she was...

It just wasn't happening.

I've seen a lot of couples go through that.

-It can be brutal. -Yeah. And she was...

You know, you took one look at this woman,

and you are like, wow, this is fertility personified.

I mean, she was 29 years old,

life just pouring out of her.

-Like a ripe peach. -And how did you

process the disappointment?

We didn't at first.

-First, we tried everything. -IVF?

Uh, everything short of that.

Hannah didn't wanna do anything that was

in conflict with "the natural world."

And I certainly wasn't gonna fight her on it,

but we did try various sound baths.

Acupuncture.

We visited energy vortexes,

and if you've never fucked outdoors in Sedona

under a full moon, it is a good time.

Though tragically ineffective.

Qigong, crystals, you name it.

-I'm sorry. That must've been difficult. -Yeah.

Yeah, our plans changed, but... (sighs)

You know, we were still happy, goddammit.

Until...

-Your arrest. -Yeah.

Whatever connection she felt to me,

it was cauterized in an instant.

It's been one of the toughest lessons of this whole thing.

These moments reveal people and, you know...

who you can trust.

Who cares about you.

Who cares about the status and the money

and the fancy friends

and the proximity to success.

You know, who's drawn to the-the glow of achievement.

I never, ever thought that was her.

Not in a million years,

but, boy, when the shit hits the fan,

-that's when you really meet people. -You felt betrayed?

Oh, fucking-A, right.

(sighs) But,

these things, they're co-created.

You know, she looked at me a certain way when we met,

and I could see what she saw.

She saw an impressive person.

And I never wanted her to stop looking at me that way.

I would do anything. (laughs)

I think that was maybe the first clue that,

you know, to keep her looking at me that way,

I had to keep growing, keep achieving,

becoming a-a grander and grander success,

so I just cut some corners.

I know that sounds dismissive.

I did a lot more than cut corners.

I-I lied. Even if I...

We don't need to get into it.

Do you know, when I think about it...

it was always,

always about Hannah.

And when I was arrested,

I mean, the moment it happened,

I looked at her, and she was...

gone.

(sighs) That look in her eyes, it...

it vanished. And I knew...

This sounds like

more of being in someone else's head.

Well, when you're as close as we were,

the line gets very blurry.

Where one head ends, the other begins.

I'm not saying you're wrong. It's just that it's a guess.

(sighs) Look, I'm wrong about a lot of shit.

I'm right about this.

Sounds like, uh...

you had a lot of impressive friends.

Yeah.

I could give you a list, but that would be tacky.

Luminaries and household names.

In the handful of times I've been around someone like that,

I've been shocked at how flustered I get.

(chuckles) How excited.

-Sure. Yeah. -Is that how Hannah was?

-Sort of starstruck? -Oh, no, no, no. She was so cool.

Not that you're... there's anything uncool about--

She just-- it-it didn't faze her.

Did she ever develop feelings

for one of your impressive friends?

-What do you mean? -Well, did you get the sense that she was...

-Cheating on me? -No.

Just...

-a crush? An infatuation? -No.

So even when the biggest,

coolest name on your tacky list, even when they came in the room,

-she always focused on you? -We were all about each other.

Maybe she wasn't enamored by the status then.

Maybe she fell in love with the person, with you.

Let's, just for a second, let's say

that she did love you.

Not the status,

not the bells and whistles.

Well in that case, loss of status wouldn't be a reason to leave.

-Right. -Well, what possible reason would she have then?

Really rack your brain.

You mean, like,

that I was lying

to her for several years

about many things.

Yeah, I suppose that could be it.

Yeah. (scoffs) That could be it.

You okay?

Just every now and then, it...

it hits me...

just how thoroughly I've...

(sighs)

Do you see what we just did?

We changed what was in her head,

and the reason we were able to do that

is because it wasn't in her head.

It was in yours.

If she leaves because of status, that protects you.

If she leaves because of your behavior,

that exposes you, and one of those two things

is more comfortable to live with than the other.

See, the stories you create aren't truth.

But they can help to understand things about yourself.

But how do you get to the truth?

I mean, how do you...

know what's actually going on

-in another person's head? -You have to ask them.

And when they ask you, you have to answer honestly.

Wow, is it me,

or are we getting somewhere?

(laughs) Seriously,

we-we-we got a groove going.

(laughs) Therapy's popular for a reason.

You know what it's like?

Like Monk and Coltrane trading fours.

-Jazz is boring. This is way more fun. -(laughs)

It is! Oh! It's exciting!

It's-it's sad, also,

because the big takeaway here is I am a piece of shit.

That's not what we've arrived at.

I-I'm kidding sort of, somewhat kidding,

-moderately serious. -(laughs)

What's your communication been like with her?

I tried at first,

but she didn't wanna hear from me.

And since you've been out?

I don't even have a working number for her.

I asked a mutual friend,

but she, "didn't feel comfortable sharing it with me."

Which is infuriating and insane,

but fine. Whatever, whatever.

Were you hoping to reconcile?

Uh, no.

I mean, I don't see that as likely,

but I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it.

It's so frustrating because I think if she could just...

see me. If she could see the work we were doing,

I think she might be proud of me.

I don't know if it'd be enough,

but I think she'd be happy that I'm, I'm...

slowly, and with a...

occasional emotional outburst,

figuring it out.

Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn't.

-But maybe she would. -The work we do in here isn't about another person.

It's about you.

Well, I mean, come on, Doctor.

It's kind of about you, too.

(scoffs) What do you mean?

It's about convincing you.

(clears throat) Or you being

sufficiently convinced that I'm not a danger

to myself. That I'm on...

the journey to rehabilitation,

and the journey will continue unimpeded, if I remain free.

-(laughs) -I mean,

you-you're asking me not to live in other people's heads?

When whatever's in your head decides whether or not

I'm remanded to a federal penitentiary.

Well, I assure you

the object of therapy isn't to win over the therapist.

Except in this particular case.

Come on, be honest.

It isn't.

I'm only here to help you.

So, if I told you I did write to that woman, that tech fuck,

told her to rot in Hell,

get fucked by a thousand fire-horned demons,

that wouldn't affect my standing?

Did you do that?

It's just a hypothetical.

I would find it disturbing,

but there's a lot of area between that extreme

and where you seem to be.

But if I told you that,

I would be going back to jail.

I would have to dig into it and ask many,

many follow-up questions.

Well, I didn't. Write to her, I mean.

I'm glad.

A-- Why do you believe me?

I have to take what you say at face value.

Honesty is all you can offer another person.

If you give them honesty, and they don't respond in kind,

that's on them.

Okay.

Colin, what was that?

We were having what I thought was a lovely session.

I don't know. Sometimes, I feel the need

to push back on some of what you're telling me.

-You should resist that impulse. -What, you don't like being tested?

I don't like to punch down.

Oh! (laughs) Holy shit!

All right! Uncle!

(clears throat) I surrender!

That was fuckin' awesome!

I-I just like to mix it up with you. I'm sorry.

-Truce? Huh. -Sure.

I did just pour my heart out.

Maybe I was feeling a little naked,

-vulnerable. -You have to stop playing chess.

You have to stop zooming out 30,000 feet.

Be in the room with me, up close.

I...

Colin, did you write to that woman?

-No! -(scoffs) Oh, geez!

I am telling you, bro, you... ah!

-You push me. -Ah, it's good to be pushed.

You push me, too. I'm better for it.

The letter you wrote, your unsent vitriol.

Is it possible those were things you wanted to say to Hannah?

I love Hannah.

I'm really sorry that I got all...

I-I-I was an asshole for a second there.

-I... Fish gotta swim, right? -I forgive you.

(sighs)

Can't believe we only have one more session.

That is-- that is if you sign off.

(laughs) Let's see what happens next week.

(chuckling exhale)

But...

You-you do like me,

right?

Pain in the ass stuff aside?

I like the therapeutic challenge you pose.

(quiet laugh)

-That feels like a good place to leave it for today. -(clears throat)

You know,

I think I'm going to write Hannah.

-Send her an email. -Oh.

-What are you gonna say to her? -Uh,

-tell her what's going on in my life, see how she's doing. -Hm.

I wish she could meet you, see that

a reputable human being likes me.

-"Reputable human being?" You're gonna make me blush. -(laughs)

Well, she might look at me differently.

I don't like being used as a prop.

Oh yeah. No, of course.

She'd like you is all. She'd talk to you.

Well, if down the road, you want my help communicating with her,

Hannah would have to be on board, obviously.

So I could invite her?

For next week?

-When I write to her. -That's our last session.

-Let's just focus on you. -Hey, this is...

it's kind of a big thing for me though.

You haven't spoken to her in four years,

so let's just take it a step at a time...

But if I do reach out and she is receptive--

The things you two have to unpack,

-one session isn't-- -But I do have your permission...

to invite her.

You have my permission.

(sighs)

Thank you.

♪ ♪

(opens door)

(shuts door)

♪ ♪

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