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[man] Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to
the Eddie Griffin experience

at the world famous
SLS casino

live from the Sayers Club.
Show your love...

[deep voice]
and he'll show you right.

[normal voice]
For a brother who brings

laughter to your soul
and to the masses

of planet Earth...
[echoes] for 30 years plus.

For 30 years plus.
For 30 years plus.

Put your hands together
for the one and only

the undeniable,
Mr. Eddie Griffin.

[cheers and applause]

[hip-hop music playing]

♪

Go on, cop a squat, y'all. Go
on, cop a squat.

Fuck that!
Get back up!

-[laughter]
-[cheers and applause]

Yeah, what's up?!

Let's do
this motherfucking thing.

Go on, sit down, y'all.

Hey, Junior!
Eeh, my nigga!

-[laughter]
-What's going on, y'all?

-[cheers and applause]
-Yes!

Welcome, welcome,
welcome to Las Vegas.

If you just got here,
it's the only city

you can see dead people
walking down the street.

-[laughter]
-You don't believe me?

Take your ass out
on Las Vegas Boulevard,

nigga, there's a dead
Michael Jackson out there

still moonwalking.

Elvis still got three shows
in this motherfucking town.

I seen that--Y'all seen that
Transformer out there?

That motherfucker
asked me for five dollars.

I said, "Turn into a car,
motherfucker,

I'll give you 100."
That nigga was trying, too.

-[laughter]
-Jeez. You really need a job

dressing up like a truck
in this motherfucking heat.

You know when he leave the househe son be like,

"Daddy, why you dressing up
like a truck?"

"Nigga, do you like food?

Your daddy dumb.
This is all I know how to do.

Get my tires!"

It's so hot
in this motherfucking town.

I seen the devil
walking down the street

looking for ice water.
"Listen..."

Said he going back to hell
to cool off.

There shouldn't be
a fat motherfucker

nowhere in this town.

Take your fat ass outside
there'd be a puddle

-of grease around your ass.
-[laughter]

"Hey, nigga,
what's your diet?"

"The sun!"

And crazy white people.
Y'all motherfuckers crazy.

Y'all the only ones
be at these pools.

Nigga, it's a hundred-and-hell.
They out there, nigga,

skin bubbling.
Sound like bacon.

-[sizzles]
-[laughter]

Niggas be in them cabanas and
we don't pay for 'em, either.

[laughter]

"Shit, no, we gonna sit
right in this motherfucker

till they come and kick us out."

And then that waitress
will come over.

"Would you like a bottle
of champagne?"

"Not for no
three-thousand-goddamn-dollars!

"Well, we gonna have
you ask you to leave."

"I didn't wanna sit
in this motherfucker.

No goddamn way."

Then we'll walk
to another casino

and get right back
in another cabana.

[laughter]

Y'all be careful
when you're out here.

They ain't building
these casinos

'cause motherfuckers
are winning.

-It got quiet in this bitch.
-[laughter]

Vegas has got some of you
motherfuckers.

I don't know why you don't
figure it out when you land

at McCarran Airport and they
got that escalator going down?

Motherfuckers be hype
on arrival.

"Nigga, we in Vegas.
We about to kick it

like a motherfucker."

Y'all better watch them bitches
going up.

[laughter]

Nigga, they be quiet.

Purse empty!
Wallet dry!

And my people, we the loudest
when we check in casinos.

Niggas arriving.
"Nigga, I'm in Vegas!

Nigga, I'm about
to get these motherfuckers!"

That's when them dudes
in them black suits be like,

-"We got one."
-[laughter]

You'll see that motherfucker
later on that evening

on that lonely couch.
Every casino got one.

Niggas, got, you know,
it's over in the distance.

Right by the crap table.

They know niggas
like to shoot craps.

Nigga,
I call it the Losing Couch.

It ain't got no back on it.
It don't need one.

Motherfuckers sitting there
like this...

[laughter]

They mumbling to themselves.
"I had it.

It was in my hand. I had it.
$1,500 it was mine.

I should've walked
when I had the chance to."

Sistas don't let a brother
leave clean, either.

You lose, a sister will be like,"Yeah, nigga...

I told your black ass
couldn't shoot no craps.

Nigga,
that was our house money."

"Bitch, I lost the house.
You gonna have to sell pussy

so we can get out
this motherfucker."

You see them old bitches like,
"Anybody want some of this?"

[laughter]

Now, this is my 11th year
doing shows out here

in Las Vegas
with my residency.

-[woman whoos]
-Yeah. Yes.

[cheers and applause]

It's my 32nd year anniversary

of doing this shit
called stand-up, man.

You understand?
Yeah!

See, nigga--
[stammers] Nigga...

[laughter]

Shit, being out here
in this motherfucking, nigga,

-there's a lot of hoes here.
-[laughter]

Vegas got a lot of hoes, man.
Man, when I used to come here

on the weekend
before I lived here, man,

you know,
you come and do a show,

you get your dick sucked,
make some money, you leave.

Now that I live here,
I know all the hoes.

Couple of y'all motherfuckers
in here tonight.

[laughter]

You know who you are.
Nigga, the hoes!

All them motherfuckers,
they got big, giant bags.

Young hoes,
they work indoors, see?

They got giant purses.
See, real women, you know,

y'all got respectable,
small purses.

You know, a little makeup.

You know, probably
a couple tampons, you know?

If it's that time of the month,
you know?

Hoes got giant bags
so that you can spot 'em.

They got three pair of shoes
in there, four or five wigs.

You know, they'll go upstairs,
nigga, turn a trick,

-come down a redhead.
-[laughter]

And if y'all really wanna see
some funny shit,

go to downtown Las Vegas.

That's where the old hoes
hang out.

They still walk the stroll
like it's 1972.

They out in the sun.
Hot.

And they loud when you walk by.
When you're driving by,

"Hey, you see us
over here, nigga!

Come on over here, nigga!

Fuck with a bitch,
nigga!

Let me suckyour little comedy dick, nigga!"

I said, "Bitch,
you got three teeth

and they don't look like
they like each other.

Wait till
them motherfuckers fall out,

come back and see a nigga."

Fuck y'all.
Don't knock it till you try it.

They'll gum you down, nigga.
Smooth sailing.

[laughter]

Hoes got regular lives, too.
I live out here.

You see hoes in grocery stores
out here.

Nigga, you on aisle nine
and a bitch come out

with her titty hanging out.
"Nigga, where the bread at?"

I said,
"Baby, put your titty up.

My son right here.
You're making him hungry.

[laughter]

Hell, yeah, nigga.
Shit, I was married to a...

a motherfucker that was...
whoo.

I'm on my fourth marriage,
you understand me?

My first three wives was cool,
nigga,

but the third one...
nigga...

that was crazy pussy.

Nigga, I call it--
You ever had polio pussy?

Polio pussy
and not a bitch that got polio.

The pussy's so good
you just put your dick in it

that bitch give you polio.
[mumbles] "Oh! Goddamn!

-[laughter]
-It's so good! It's so good!"

That bitch had me
following her around.

Nigga, I couldn't go nowhere.

"Where you going?"
"I'm right behind you."

You ever had pussy
so motherfucking good

she's in your house...

she go in the bathroom, nigga,
you be outside the door...

[knocks]
"The fuck you in there doing?

[knocks] You been
in there too goddamn long.

What you in there
doing, woman?!"

"I'm right in here
taking a shit."

The bitch come out,
"Where you going?"

"I'm going to the store."
"I'm going with you."

Y'all remember I disappeared
off the scene

for, like, two, three years?

Nigga...
that pussy was that good.

I couldn't leave, nigga,
'cause, you know,

women fuck, I think,
like your occupation.

You know, if you fuck a doctor,
she gonna fuck like a doctor.

You know, "Just, uh,
flex your gluteus maximus."

You know what I mean?
You fuck a crazy bitch?

Crazy women, nigga...

-[grunts]
-[laughter]

Nigga, your dick,
"Oh, goddamn. Shit."

Nigga, I sat at that
motherfucking house...

My mama came over.
She said, "Baby, ain't nobody

seen you in about three years.

I ain't
seen you in seven months.

You ain't doing
no movies no more,

you ain't doing TV,
you ain't even touring, Eddie.

What you doing?
You just underneath this

-stinky, nasty bitch?"
-[laughter]

She said,"She done put the roots on you."

Now, nigga, I didn't know
what the fuck "the roots" mean.

I'm like,
"Mama, what you talking about?"

"The roots, nigga."
I said, "Did she make you

some kind of gravy
or spaghetti?"

-I said, "Every three days."
-[laughter]

I didn't know, shit!

This bitch making me
period panty spaghetti.

Nigga, I'm sitting over there
brainwashed.

My mama said,
"Here, to kill a nigga,

you make this bitch a special
clam chowder, all right?

Motherfucker,
give her a clam chowder

and get a pair of her panties
and bury them in the backyard."

Well, as y'all can see,
I'm back to work.

[laughter]

So, if the shit ever happen to
you, you know the cure.

When I was a kid, nigga,
you know they take you

on these field trips?I was like six, seven years old.

They take you to the zoo.

So we went to the monkey exhibit

and they wasn't doing
monkey shit.

They wasn't moving.

So, nigga, I started
throwing rocks at 'em.

I wanted to see them
do monkey shit.

That monkey loaded up, nigga...

[farts]
Pow!

And it hit a nigga right here
and it was hot!

All you heard was...
[crying]

[laughter]

Nigga,
this is how I became funny.

Two years of kids
don't give a fuck.

Kids fucking with me
all the time.

-"Hey, monkey shit head!"
-[laughter]

Yeah, you better learn
how to clown back.

Yeah, fuck monkeys.
Yeah.

They full of shit,
but I think that was

God talking to me, really.
That's God's way of saying,

-"Nigga, you the shit."
-[laughter]

Nigga, shit.
I been telling jokes

so motherfucking long, nigga.
I used to do this shit

-for free on the corner.
-[woman] Oh, no.

-Yeah, I never had to buy weed.
-[laughter]

They're like, "Give a little
nigga a dime sack,

he gonna go all night."
And I did, too, nigga.

Shit, they mamas be
on the porch.

"I told y'all Eddie crazy.
Look at him.

He can do anybody.
The boy's a mimic."

I said, "What are you
talking about, woman?"

-"See, the nigga doing me.
-[laughter]

Eddie, you gonna make it.
Keep going, baby.

You keep going."

I appreciate the fuck
out of them old sisters, man.

Shit, only family members
would come outside,

-"That boy ain't gonna be shit.
-[laughter]

He going to jail
like his Uncle Bucky."

[laughter]

I remember I had a principal whotold me I wasn't gonna be shit.

"Nigga, you ain't gonna never
gonna be shit, nigga.

You're getting suspended,you're always clowning in class.

Nigga, you ain't gonna be shit,
Eddie."

Show you how God work.
I fuck around,

and I become famous, right?
I go back home

to Kansas City, Missouri, nigga,I did a concert.

Midland Theater,
5,000 seats sold the fuck out.

It was a line around a line
around a building

if you can wrap your head
around that.

I spotted this
motherfucking principal

in line to get a ticket.
I told my limo driver,

-"Slow down."
-[laughter]

Oh, I got bougier
than a motherfucker.

-[affected] "Slow down."
-[laughter]

Nigga, I rolled the window down,[shouts] "Nigga,

you ain't gonna never
be shit!

[laughter]

[affected] Onward, Charles.
Onward."

You don't tell no kid
they ain't gonna be shit

even if they ain't
gonna be shit.

Now we on this election cycle
again, nigga.

-[woman] Oh, right?
-And Trump motherfucker--

[chuckles] Nigga...

this motherfucker...

-Trump untouchable, nigga.
-[man] Yup.

They did this
Mueller Report shit.

What did that take?Two, three fucking years, nigga?

FBI can't get him.
CIA can't get him.

Nigga, this nigga--
God, we need ya.

-[laughter]
-You gonna have to come down

and get this
orange motherfucker.

The Sunny D is untouchable...

[laughter]

and I don't like the Democrats.
Don't get it twisted.

Democrats to me
is some pussy motherfuckers.

All they do is motherfucking
apologize every day.

"I wanna apologize for 1972."

Biden apologizingfor touching a bitch's shoulder.

Now I wanna know
who this bitch is

that a motherfucker
touch your shoulder,

you think you getting raped.
Bitch, you ain't had dick ever.

You should've thanked that man

for the fucking shoulder
massage.

Trump don't apologize for shit.
You gotta respect this gangsta.

-[man] Got to.
-You understand?

That motherfucker
nuts be dragging the ground

leaving orange juice trails.

"Trump, did you grab the pussy?"

"I'm gonna grab
another one tonight.

I invited Tiger Woods
over to the White House

and we just
grabbing pussy together.

I mean, I'm gonna
give him an award."

Trump don't give a fuck,
that racist motherfucker.

I don't like this motherfucker,
man, 'cause...

he want all niggas in jail
or dead.

He don't want no Mexicans
in this country whatsoever.

Paco, I'm here to tell you,
don't go nowhere.

Stay, nigga, we need you.

Hell, motherfucking, yeah.

They trying to turn
back the clock, y'all.

-[woman] You got that right.
-Beware.

'Cause the Trump Show is just
what it's always been,

-a reality show.
-[woman] Exactly.

That's just to keep
your ass busy, nigga.

He do so much shit every day
it tires you out.

You wake up in the morning,
he done did some shit already.

You go to work,
by the time you get home,

"What?
The nigga did all that today?!"

Nigga,
if Obama did five of the things

this motherfucker
pulled off every day,

they'd have hung that nigga
on national TV

and charged you to see it.

You know how hard it was
to be that nigga?

A nigga that clean?
This nigga didn't have

one...motherfucking...blemish.

Nigga, you know how hard
it is for a nigga

not to do something?

Nigga, I'm gonna fuck up
in about 15 minutes.

Just keep watching.

-[man] And he's from Chicago!
-Yeah, shit!

I'm from Kansas City, Missouri,
nigga.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, Obama from Chicago,
but if you listen

to white people, he's fromNigeria or somewhere over there.

Uganda and "Du-bu-ja-ba-ga."

[laughter]

Trump motherfucking ass, nigga.
This motherfucker...

but it's all right, nigga.

Y'all trying to turn
back the clock, white people.

I'm hip to you.
I ain't going.

I want you motherfucking
white people in here

to look around at the niggas
sitting close to you.

We ain't our
father's father's father.

-[laughter]
-You ain't gonna never hear,

"Yessum?"

Nigga, I'm going to hell
or jail, you pick which one.

[laughter]

-[cheers and applause]
-For real, though.

I couldn't have been
no slave, man.

Master would've killed me
in five minutes.

[laughter]

With this mouthpiece?
Nigga, shit.

"Kill that damn nigger!

Put that smart nigger down!

Put him down!
He keeps talking!

He's riling up the rest of 'em!

[laughter]

Put him down!"

'Cause they always say
we come from slaves.

Nigga, we don't come
from no motherfucking slaves.

We come from kings and queens.
You understand me?

-[cheers and applause]
-They act like our history

started at Roots,nigga.
I seen Roots.

I didn't like
that motherfucking film, man.

In the movie they always had us
picking cotton

in the hot sun singing
like it's a happy thing.

♪ Lord, Jesus

♪ Lord, Lord Jesus

-Nigga, run!
-[laughter]

They gonna kill your ass anyway!Make a run for it, nigga!

Nigga, I'd have took off
every day. Pow!

And you know, back then, nigga,
when you ran,

if they caught you,
they would cut something off.

I'd have did it so many times
I'd have been

a head and a torso.
Still trying to get away!

[laughter]

"Hey, nigga, there go Worm.
Nigga, there go little Worm.

That nigga Worm at it again,
nigga."

Nigga, I'd have came back.
They'd have caught my ass

no arms, no legs.
"Hey, what you gonna do, Eddie?

He took your arms
and your legs."

-"I still got my dick."
-[laughter]

Life is always good
with a dick.

"Shit,
I can still get some pussy.

It's all right with me."
"Nigga, how--how you fuck?"

"I tell the bitches,
'Pull me up in you.

[laughter]

Spin me, bitch.
Spin me.'"

"What do they call you?"
"They call me Pogo Stick."

[laughter]

Don't worry about it,white folks, your time's coming.

-[laughter]
-Oh, yeah.

If karma has any kind of
validity in reality--

and it does,
the law of karma says what?

-"What goes around..."
-[audience] "Comes around."

I can't hear you,
motherfuckers.

-"What goes around..."
-[audience] "Comes around."

"Sally...Scott...Jill...

it's going down.
I'm telling you.

You're gonna havea real good time when I own you.

[laughter]

I'm gonna treat you right,
Bob, Jill.

I'm gonna let you pick cotton
at night.

That way your skin
don't burn up.

I'm only gonna beat you
on Thursdays at 7:30.

-I got shit to do.
-[laughter]

And it's gonna be
a whole lot of light-skinned,

Morris Day--Day Prince-looking
motherfucking kids

-on my plantation.
-[laughter]

Sally,
you gonna get it!

[laughter]

She gonna come out the barn
every damn morning,

"That nigger wouldn't stop!"

"Sally, what are you gonna do?
He fucks you every night.

What are you gonna do about it?"

"I'm gonna move in.
I love him."

[laughter]

White people, I don't think--
You couldn't have been a slave.

-[man] I don't know.
-Y'all too soft.

[chuckles] Look,
he got that face like,

"Whatever,
nigga, we could've did it."

You can barely take five minutesof me talking shit

right now without turning red

-let alone me fucking your wife.-[laughter]

I think all the black slave
owners would be on they porch,

"Eh, let 'em go.

No, let all of 'em go.
They ain't worth a damn.

Shit, I got 100 white slaves,
I ain't got a bushel of cotton

out these motherfuckers yet.

All they do is lay
on the ground, burn up on you,

and bitch all the time!
And then when you put 'em

in the sun you gotta
grease 'em down first.

And that sun tan lotion
ain't cheap shit!

These motherfuckers
ain't cost effective.

They bad for business.
I tell you what,

I'll sell you
all 100 of my white slaves,

-for one Mexican."
-[audience groans]

Fuck y'all.
One Mexican will pick like

a thousand niggas,
but they hard to catch.

Yeah, they go underground.
All y'all been trying to catch

Paco for three years!

I know he down there
with that gold necklace on.

I can hear him in the distance
late at night,

[Mexican accent]
"Hey, holmes..."

[normal voice]
Y'all need us, white people.

You don't wanna
get rid of me, Ned.

-[laughter]
-You need me.

White people need us.
I mean, who you gonna have

to blame your ineptitude on
if I ain't here?

See, white people need us
so they can point the finger.

"Why you ain't shit, Ned?"
"'Cause of niggers.

Niggers is the only reason
I ain't got something

and the Mexicans
are taking all our jobs."

"I didn't know you wanted
to leaf blow.

How the fuck
they taking your jobs?"

Hey, the Mexicans
ain't taking your jobs, nigga.

Technology is.

Robots took everybody
goddamn job.

You used to have a factory job.
You worked with your hands.

Now a robot can do that shit.
They don't need us.

It ain't just you, Ned.

-We're all unemployed.
-[laughter]

Everybody sick
of a goddamn robot, nigga.

You ain't gotta providehealthcare for no fucking robot.

And I'm sick of these
motherfuckers saying

black people using up
all the healthcare.

No, we ain't!
We only 12% of the population.

And niggas don't go
to the hospital.

We just sick.
We can't afford it, nigga.

And we don't trust doctors.
You go in a hospital,

I don't trust
that motherfucker.

"What's in that needle?

'Cause, you know,
they trying to kill us, nigga.

I ain't taking shit."

-People are crazy, man.
-[man] Preach!

I don't preach,
I teach.

[cheers and applause]

Hell, yeah,
you want a preacher,

you know where to find him
every Sunday.

[laughter]

Nigga, you remember
them motherfucker--

They came and shot
up the black church?

They can only pull that
with black people.

You know,
we catch on quick.

You know, I been to
a black church lately, nigga--

nigga, they got guns
in church now.

And black churches,
when everybody get in there,

they lock the doors,
you understand me?

Motherfucker gotta knock
to get into church.

-[knocks]
-[laughter]

"Hi, I was trying to, uh,
come and praise,

uh, Christ."

That's when the nigga
behind the door,

"No, no, we don't
praise Christ here,

we praise the Lord."

See, this code word, see?
White people say "Christ."

Niggas, we going to see
the Lord.

Hell, yeah, nigga.
Shit.

White people been
killing up everybody.

-What's going on with y'all?
-[laughter]

Just last week they tried to sayit was that brother

that killed the motherfuckers
at their job,

they ain't tricking me.

Nigga, that nigga was dead
already and they said,

"He was the shooter."

'Cause they tired of
the motherfucking story

that the white man
is killing everybody,

So they made
the nigga the shooter.

Why is he already dead?
You understand me?

You know, fuck that.
It was somebody white again.

'Cause if I can think it,
nigga, they did it.

White people, what's wrong?

Now I'm making youmy white representative tonight.

You shouldn't have
sat that close!

[laughter]

No, I'm gonna fuck with ya.
I don't give a fuck.

Here's the shit, nigga,
what is wrong?

Can y'all get fired?

White people get fired and go
kill everybody on the job.

Niggas be getting fired
all the time.

We don't go kill nobody.

They come to us,
"Hey, you're fired."

"Get my motherfucking check.

I didn't like this fuck ass job
no goddamn way.

Get me my motherfucking check."

"Oh, we're gonna send
your check in the mail."

"No, motherfucker,
I'm leaving today,

my money leaving when I leave.
Give me my motherfucking check!

No fuck ass shit."

Nigga be on the block later on,
"Hey, Ed, what happened?"

"That motherfucker
told me I'm fired, nigga. Shit.

I cashed this bitch,
got some weed.

Nigga, light it up."

White people get fired,
they nice to white people.

You know, when they fire us,"You're fired! Get out of here!"

White people get fired?

Nigga, it's a whole different
way of firing.

-"[sighs]
-[laughter]

Ned, ugh...

God, I don't even know
how to tell you this.

Oh, fuck.

I hate doing this, man.

I mean, it's not me.
It's coming from upstairs.

[laughter]

I gotta let you go, Ned."

"You're gonna fucking
let me go?

[stammers] Is this
some kind of fucking joke?

I been working here
27 fucking years.

You're gonna tell me
I'm fucking fired?

Is this--that how this
fucking goes, man?

I got a fucking mortgage,
I got a wife,

I got four kids,
and a dog named Petie.

You're telling me
I'm fucking fired?

I'm fucking fired?!
I'm fucking fired."

-[laughter]
-That's right!

They should know, nigga!
"I'm fucking fired?!"

They should know, run, nigga!

"I'm fired?
Okay!"

You see that motherfucker
come to work the next day,

suit on, briefcase.

"How's it going?
Hey!

Fucking--It's fucking Ned.
Ha ha ha.

Yeah, ha ha ha.

Yeah,
ha ha ha."

[imitates gunfire]

Niggas--Niggas never get shot
on the job, nigga,

when that shit goes down

'cause we aware of our
surroundings.

That motherfucker Ned
come back the next day...

[laughter]

niggas be on
the motherfucking job,

-"Ain't that Ned?
-[laughter]

Didn't they fire
that motherfucker yesterday?

Shit, it's time to take
a long lunch."

They be outside,
[imitates gunfire]

"I told you!
He killing everybody!"

White people,
y'all are just the opposite.

Y'all too fucking nosey.

I think that's why y'all got
the pointy nose.

You're nosey!

Ned come back the next day,
y'all motherfuckers be like,

-"God, that's--that's Ned.
-[laughter]

Shit, he looks distraught.
Fuck, man, hard way to go.

Come on,
let's go try to cheer him up."

[imitates gunfire]

[laughter]

Nigga, when niggas leave,
come with us.

We know something.

We got street spider senses.

You know, that's from
being on the block, nigga.

We be like, "They about to kill
that nigga Earl."

Nigga, we be at the club, nigga.Dancing like a motherfucker.

"Oh, these niggas about to shootthis motherfucker up, nigga."

We don't stop dancing,
though.

[laughter]

I talk about you, white people,
because I care.

I'm trying to help you.

Y'all do shit
that no other culture does.

Goddamnit, this is the, uh,
white people getting chewed up

by shark season.

I'm 52 years old.
All the years I've been

on this earth y'all keep
getting chewed up by sharks.

When the fuck y'all gonna learn?

Why do y'all go out that far?

-That's where they at.
-[laughter]

You ain't heard of a chewed up
nigga nowhere on earth.

We go waist high.

Y'all seen us at the beach
splashing around,

make it look like
we doing some shit.

Nigga feels some seaweed.
"There's something!

Yo, kids,
get out that water!"

We won't even go get the kids.
"Do what Daddy taught you!

-Swim, nigga!"
-[laughter]

Nigga jump out dry.
Nigga...

[laughter]

I joke around, man.
Love who you love.

You understand me?

I see interracial couples
in here, nigga.

And, you know, you're with
your white woman tonight,

-you're taking a chance.
-[laughter]

That's all I'm saying.

Love who you love,but, nigga, you taking a chance.

She got that phone call
she can make, man.

All she gotta do is,
9-1-1.

"He's raping me."
Nigga, you going to jail.

Who you think
they gonna believe, nigga?

I ain't fucking around.
"Sally, you're safe with him."

-[laughter]
-But love who you love, man.

You know how hard it is
for y'all to be

in an interracial relationship?

Y'all was probably tortured
on the way in this room.

'Cause motherfuckers
be talking shit.

Sisters cold, nigga.
"Look at that nigga

-with that white bitch.
-[laughter]

Couldn't handle us, huh,
nigga?

Had to go get you
a snow bunny, nigga.

Probably little dick,
motherfucker.

We didn't want your black ass
no way."

Leroy be walking with Sally,

"Sally, come on,
they're gonna kill us."

Brothers, we the same way.

We see a sista with a
white dude, we go the fuck off.

"Get your money, bitch.

Get your money, bitch.

Yeah, you couldn't handle
that anaconda, huh?

Get your money, bitch."

Sista be like, "What?!"
"I was just saying something."

[laughter]

Hell, motherfucker, yeah.
Love who you love, man,

but that's some rough shit,
nigga.

You in a--a fucking relationshipjust, you know,

white and black,
Leroy and Sally...

Sally, you got it rough.
You better really love Leroy

'cause that's the only nigga
you gonna have.

'Cause, nigga, white families
kick y'all out the family.

Man, white families cold.
"Get your ass out

the goddamn family, Sally.

Bringing that jiggaboo
to my goddamn home.

He ain't coming in here!

What am I supposed to cook?
Some fucking fried chicken?

I ain't cooking
no fucking fried chicken!

You out of the family!
You're out of the fucking will!

Get your fucking cunt, whore,
bitch ass...

[mumbling]"

Sally leave the house,
"[crying] Goddamn, Leroy,

you're all I have."

Leroy trying to you--
take her to his mama house.

You already know sistas,
"You ain't bringing

that white bitch in here.

You ain't bringing that
white bitch in my house, Leroy.

I taught you
better than this, nigga.

What am I supposed to cook?
Quiche?

I don't cook no goddamn quiche.

Get your black ass outta here
with that snow bunny, nigga.

You can't
come in this goddamn house

till you get a bitch
with cornrows.

[laughter]

Leroy leave the house,
"You're all I got, Sally."

And they wander
the earth together, nigga.

[laughter]

That's why you see them
walk like that.

They all alone just...

[laughter]

Hell, yeah, the two
most racist motherfuckers

on earth is a white man

and a black woman,
you understand me?

Yeah, a white man don't givea fuck, sista don't give a fuck.

The only cure
for that kind of relationship

is when they have a baby.

-Y'all had a baby yet?
-We got two.

-You got two?
-[man] Yeah!

-See, you're back in the family.-[laughter]

'Cause only the babies
can cure that racism.

You bring that baby over
to their sister's house...

"This my grandbaby?

Lord...

-he got that good hair.
-[laughter]

He got the skin to win, too.

Sally, come on in here, girl.
I was just bullshitting.

Yeah, I went on
that Food Network.

I learned how to make
that quiche.

Come on in here."

You take them over
to that redneck house...

[laughter]

"This my goddamn grandson?

God damn...little fucker's
got a permanent tan.

I mean, look at the size
of the balls on this fucker.

-Whoo!
-[laughter]

Look at how big his hands are!
We're going to the NFL.

[laughter]

Love who you love, man.
Shit.

My wife's Korean, nigga.
Shit.

I'm sleeping with the enemy.

I'm dating Kim Yum Yum's
motherfucking sister.

-[laughter]
-Little sister's looking at me

like, "Nigga, what you doing
with that Korean chick?"

I was married to three of y'all.Y'all had a chance, shit.

[laughter]

Now I got
ten beautiful children.

-[audience exclaims]
-Yeah, thank you.

-That's a blessing.
-[cheers and applause]

Niggas looking at me like,
"Damn, ten, nigga?"

Don't judge my motherfucking
ability to take care of my kids

-by your wallet.
-[laughter]

All ten of mine
finer than a motherfucker

and most of 'em grown,
anyway.

Nigga, I just got
my four youngest with me.

The rest of the first crop--
I call the first crop, gone.

[laughter]

-You know, my oldest is 33.
-[audience exclaims]

-My youngest is five.
-[audience whoos]

Hell, yeah,
and I got my first grandson

-and he five.
-[laughter]

Nigga,
they go to school together.

[laughter]

Only in a black family.

Hey, you know
the greatest joy of my life

outside of seeing smiles
on y'all face

doing this job
that I love to death?

Is watching my youngest son
and my grandson hang out.

You know, I tour
on the weekends, man,

so Sunday's our day.
I call Junior up,

"Junior,
bring my grandson over, man."

So, they sitting there.
I'm trying to teach 'em

how to shoot pool.You know, Kansas City, Missouri,

you know, there's a lot
of pool halls.

So, we shoot pool back home.
So I'm like,

"Nigga, you gotta get the angle
and the dangle, nigga."

They ain't paying
no attention to me.

Just listening to them
two little niggas talk

be killing me.
"Hey, nephew, come here.

-Let me holla at you.
-[laughter]

Your teacher
came and talked to me...

again today.

Yeah,
'cause I'm your uncle.

She told me that you
shit on yourself again.

No, no, no, nigga,
I was out of pull-ups

at age two,
you know what I mean?

You're making the Griffin familylook bad shitting on yourself.

And that little Asian chick
in the corner

with the wooden blocks
with the little letters on it?

That's me, nigga, back up."

Nigga, my grandson's,
"Yeah, uh...

if she was yours,
she wouldn't be hollering."

I said,
"Look at this little player!"

Nigga, my grandson
is half Mexican, half black.

Yeah, my son married a Mexican
lady, nigga.

I call him
my little "Mexi-nigga."

When he comes by I make him
tacos with collard greens.

[laughter]

Burritos
with mac and cheese in it.

You know, just so he get
both sides of his culture.

And he be trying to teach
me Spanish, you know?

He call me "Pa-paw."
"Pa-paw..."

'Cause he used
to say "granddad," I'm like,

"Hey, nigga, I ain't that old.

I look too good to be granddad.

Wait till I get old
and 'raggley.'"

I said, "It's Pa-paw.
Like, Pa-paw."

He say,
"Pa-paw, que pasa?

I said, "No, uh...
that's at your mama's house.

It's, 'What up, nigga?'
over here.

Try that.
'What up, nigga?'"

[laughter]

My oldest daughter, nigga,
just turned 17.

And, yeah,
it's that season, nigga.

I just bought two more guns.

'Cause this is when the little
"ignit" motherfuckers

start coming by trying to
take 'em on dates.

And them motherfuckers
act like we don't remember

being them,
you know what I mean?

Motherfucker come to the door...[knocks]

"Hey, uh, Mr. Griffin,
how you doing, man?

Man, I really liked you
in Undercover Brother,man.

That was my joint, man.
Hey, I was wondering

if I could take your daughter
out to the movies?"

"No, nigga."

The one I really don't trust,
he's too nice.

When he too nice,
this is the freak.

You know, this motherfucker
comes to the door,

"Hello, Mr. Griffin.
I was wondering

if I could acquire your
daughter's hand in going to--"

I said, "Nigga, get the fuck
away from my--"

He said, "No, really, I'd love
to take her to the movies."

I said, "What movie
you talking about seeing?"

This motherfucker told me
the title then I was like,

"Well,
I'm in the Writer's Guild,

Screen Actor's Guild,
Director's Guild,

they send
the movies for me to screen 'em

so I can vote on
who should get the awards.

I just happen
to have that movie.

Come on in!"
I brought that nigga in,

sat him on the couch.

I say,
"Y'all want some popcorn?"

I went in the kitchen.
You know, that microwave shit?

One minute, twenty five seconds.Pop pop pop pop pop pop.

Threw it on the table, nigga,
and gave both of 'em a Coke.

-I sat right between 'em.
-[laughter]

Yeah,
we gonna watch this movie.

My daughter like, "You can't--"
"Shut the fuck up."

"You getting on my nerves."
I said, "Shut the fuck up."

I said, "So, uh, yeah,
what's your name, little fella?

Erik? Ah, yeah.
Hey, Erik, check it out,

what's your intentions,
young man?

No, you act like
I didn't used to be your age.

Yeah, you thought you was going
to get my daughter

in that dark movie theater
and go, oooh...

ahh....
ooohhh...

and then run to school
the next day,

-'Hey, man, smell my finger.'"
-[laughter]

That nigga left my house.
I ain't seen him since.

-[laughter]
-My daughter still mad at me.

"You get on my nerves.
You always doing--"

I said, "Shut the fuck up.
Get the fuck outta here.

You ain't fucking
around my house.

You finishing
a four-year university

that I already paid
the fuck for.

Give a fuck.
You can stay mad, goddamnit.

Shit, I ain't
your motherfucking friend.

I'm your father, all right?

You--You wanna run away?
Run home.

Shit, I got nine more.
I ain't gonna miss you."

[laughter]

I love my daughters to death,
man, you know what I mean?

But they the hardest
to deal with, you know?

First I had all boys.
That shit's easy.

You know, I been a boy.
"Nigga, take the trash out."

"Do I?"
Pow! "Take the trash out."

"Okay, trash."

I can't touch my daughters, man.Any other man in here like that

where you can't--
That's my little queen.

My little princess, man.

All they gotta do is
bat them eyes at me...

"Daddy..."
"Here, take everything!"

Then I have to go to my wife.
"Hey, baby, uh...

Need you to go get
my money back.

You gotta work as a team.
"Go get it. Go get it."

I hear my wife in the room,
"Give me that goddamn money.

What'd I tell you
about working that nigga?

That's my motherfucking money,
goddamnit.

I'm sucking the comedy dick."

Nigga, my wifecome back in the bedroom like...

Fifteen minutes go by.
She ain't told me shit

about my money.
I said, "Uh, baby,

you wanna bring up, uh,
the money?"

"Uh, wasn't you listening?"
I said, "Yeah. My money."

"Nah, nigga,
I said 'I suck the comedy dick.

It's my money.'"
Nigga, I couldn't say shit.

[laughter]

"Shit, you took the money.
Put it in your mouth."

[laughter]

Hell, yeah.
Nigga, shit.

Like I said, I'm 52.
Shit, I need some head.

You know what I mean?
We don't fuck like we used to.

I'ma be honest, nigga.
I see the older men in here.

"Now, come on, be quiet now.
Speak for yourself."

Shit, you over 50,
your dick dies.

Sometimes you can feel it.
"Hey, you all right?"

[laughter]

And he'll look up at you,
"[stammers]"

You try to jack him off
like when you was a teenager.

"Come on, man!
Come back!"

-"Nigga, leave me alone!
-[laughter]

You freak!
I'm tired, Eddie! I'm tired!

52 years, nigga!
I'm a soldier!

That's why I got a helmet!

I stay in the trenches, nigga!
Back and forth!

In and out!

We ain't got
no more bullets left!

I'm shooting air, Eddie!
[exhales] Look at that!

[laughter]

Leave me alone, nigga.
Put me back in the drawers."

[laughter]

Then you take
one of them Cialis'.

-"Reporting for duty, sir."
-[laughter]

Now I just tell my wife.
You know, I be honest with her.

I be like,
"You know, like, baby...

I need a jumpstart."

Yeah, the old niggas in here,
don't lie.

Shit, if your wife
don't suck dick,

you getting rid of that bitch.

You over 50?
"Baby, I need a jumpstart

to get a nigga...
[engine turning over]

[laughter]

[engine humming]

[laughter]

Don't laugh, ladies.
I see y'all motherfuckers.

Y'all pussy dying right now.

Old pussy dies.
It dies.

It's beat up
its whole motherfucking life.

Gravity don't give a fuck,
nigga.

It pulls on them lips.

Them motherfuckers
get long as fuck, nigga.

It look like that extra bologna
meat on the side of the bread.

Don't nobody want no pussy
they got to roll up to get.

"Nigga, what you doing?"
"I'm rolling this pussy up

so I can hit it."

[laughter]

How many of y'all ever fuck
your woman on they period?

Oh, fuck y'all lying ass
motherfuckers.

Now y'all gonna
be in the SLS bougie.

You a lying motherfucker.
Ain't no man gonna wait

no goddamn week on no pussy.

That's why every household
got that old, raggedy towel.

"Lay that towel down so we don'tfuck these sheets up."

Nigga, that's the only time
a little dick motherfucker

probably feel like
he did something.

Nigga be like,
"Blood everywhere, nigga.

It's a crime scene!

Get the forensics."

Hell, yeah, nigga.
I ain't saying I got

the biggest dick on earth,

but, nigga,
I get return visits.

Hell, yeah, nigga.
If a bitch look for you

and you ain't seen her
in a long time,

you did something
the last time.

If you don't get a return visit,you can't fuck.

And women talk.
If you got a little dick,

your whole block know.

Oh, women can't help they
selves.

Nigga, women be walking
down the street,

"Uh-huh, that nigga talked
all that shit, Eddie.

Showed up
with his little brother's dick.

[audience groans]

The nigga whipped his dick out,
I threw baby powder on it."

[laughter]

If I had a little dick,
I would kill myself.

Nah, God give me all this
fucking talent and shit, nigga,

and opportunity and no dick...

just kill yourself.
You know, a bitch show up,

nigga,
"Well, that's all you got?"

I'd kill myself.
Hell, motherfucking yeah. Shit.

That's why I got ten kids.

I be deep...

up in 'em.
I make the furniture move.

[laughter]

All up in the chest.

Yeah, if you can't have kids
it's 'cause your dick is small.

You dropping the sperm off
so far away from the egg

they die
before they ever get there.

[laughter]

"Goddamn,
how deep is this bitch?

We been swimming
for, nigga, months!

Some of 'em never get in there.

Little dick motherfucker,
Bust on the outside.

They be
swimming around her lips.

I drop mine off
right at the egg.

They come out,
"Thanks for the ride.

Bitch, you pregnant."

Hell, motherfucking,
yeah, nigga.

If y'all don't remember
a motherfucking thing

I said tonight,
please remember this:

You're born a winner.

Everybody in this room
is a winner.

You understand me?When our father's busted a nut--

Every time we bust a nut,
there's billions of sperm.

Only one can make it to the egg.

We all made it there first.
Nigga, you born a winner.

Stop letting the world
teach your ass how to lose.

-[cheers and applause]
-When we got to that egg...

Nigga, you bust that nut.
Pow! "Nigga, I got this!"

Nigga, you get in the egg.
"Nigga, I'm in this bitch!

I won, nigga! I'm comin'!
Nigga, I'm comin'!"

The sperm that don't make it,
"Man, that's fucked up!

Nigga, I been next to you
for five years

in this nigga
left nut, nigga!

Come on, let another nigga in.
We could be twins."

"Too late, nigga.
I'm already mutating."

[laughter]

"Pop, now what we gonna do?"

"This old, arrogant motherfuckerain't letting nobody else in.

Selfish ass nigga!

You ain't gonna be shit!
You're gonna work at McDonalds

with a paper hat!
Nigga, I had doctor in me!"

"Pop, what we gonna do?"
"Junior...

this ain't gonna go good for us.

We gonna have to
swim back the way we came.

We gonna end up
in that bitch's panties.

Yeah, they gonna call us
a 'discharge.'

[laughter]

[man] Shame!

Then we gonna dry out.
It's gonna be a crunchy crotch.

[laughter, whoos]

That nigga gonna be looking for
something in the dirty clothes

and happen to come across
the crunchy crotch.

He gonna be intrigued.
He gonna squeeze us.

We gonna flake off
like snowflakes.

Now, that's if we're in
a good, honest woman.

What if he bust a nut and weend up in a nasty, stanky bitch?

We swim back the way we came

and another nigga's
eating the pussy.

-[audience groans]-We end up in this nigga throat!

I don't wanna be in
no other nigga's throat.

I'll take
the crunchy panties every day.

Hey, Junior,
won't you do me a favor?

Swim up ahead
and see if the coast is clear."

[laughter]

Nigga, hand!

What? Y'all thought y'allwas just gonna see comedy today?

Shit, I got magic in my show.

I got a magical nigga hand
that show up with gifts.

Look at my white people in here,"I want a nigger hand."

Y'all used to have whole niggas.You fucked it up.

Aah, shit.

Yeah, you go on over there,
motherfucker

and you replace him.

Y'all need to try this drink,
too, nigga.

Ah, it's called
the Eddie Griffin.

It's champagne mixed
with a shot of Patrón.

Oh, I know y'all didn't think
I be getting this fucked up

just on champagne.
It's that Patrón

that don't leave you alone,
get all up in your dome

-and make you miss your home.
-[laughter]

That's why I be sippin'
these bitches.

'Cause Patrón don't give a fuck.Patrón have your ass stuck.

Yeah, there's gonna be some hardnigga here talking shit.

"Nigga, give me 17 of whatever
that little nigga had."

Y'all gonna see that nigga
later at the club, nigga...

[laughter]

Patrón have your body talk
to itself.

"Legs, how we doing?"

"I wouldn't take another step
if I was you.

You gonna bust
your motherfucking head.

That's why I locked up.
I locked up, nigga."

"Hey, lungs!"
"We need air."

"Eyes!"
"I can't see!"

"Ears?"
"Huh?"

"Ears!?"
"Huh?!"

"Heart."
"It's all over."

"Dick, how you doing?"

"I already pissed
all over the shoes."

[laughter]

Hell, yeah.
You ever been so fucked up...

[chuckles] you throw up
in your own hat?

I had one of them days, nigga.

There was this shit--
Y'all remember the shit

-called Sherman?
-[audience] Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we called 'em
"Wet Daddies" back home, nigga.

So there's this partner of mine,nigga, uh, fucking June Bug.

He was the neighborhood
dope fiend

and one night he came back,
nigga, with a little joint.

You know, I smoke weed,
but I didn't know

what the fuck that was.
It stunk.

And I hit that motherfucker
thinking it was regular weed.

I hit it. Hit it. Hit it.
Hit it.

That Sherman make you heat up.

Nigga, I started
taking everything off, nigga.

I'm running down the street
asshole naked

with just my hat on.
They said I jumped over--

over to the I-70 freeway

and was pissing on cars
coming by.

So they called my first wife,
Carla.

"Carla, come and get Eddie.
This nigga fucked up."

So, Carla pulled up.
We had this Buick LeSabre.

She pulled up,
"Nigga, what is wrong with you?

What did they give you?"
"I don't know, baby,

but...I'm at work."
She said, "Huh?"

I said, "I gotta wash the cars.
I gotta wash the cars."

[laughter]

She said, "Get your ass
in the goddamn car!"

I sat in the backseat 'cause
I always wanted to be famous.

So I made her feel like
a limo driver.

I got in the backseat, nigga.

Nigga, I'm back there fucked up.

Nigga, I don't know what it is
when we high...

but, ladies, this is the only
time we can tell y'all

how we really love you.

You know, when we sober you be
like, "Baby, do you love me?"

"What the hell you talking
about?"

"Baby, do you love me?"
"Is there food

in the refrigerator?
Is the lights on?

What the fuck you ask me
stupid shit for?"

When we fucked up,
"Baby...

-Baby...Baby..."
-[laughter]

When y'all hear that,
you already know

y'all getting ready
to get y'all sensitive.

"Baby...Baby...

I love you, baby.

[shouts]
I love you, baby!

I lo--I do--I-I love you.

I love you.
You take care of me

when I don't take care of me.
I love you, baby.

I love you.
You got a big booty.

I married your booty, baby.
♪ I married your boot-tay "

[laughter]
And I did, too, nigga.

[chuckles] I ain't never
getting that fucked up again.

I threw up
in my motherfucking hat, nigga.

Shit start bubbling.
I was like, [retches]

and I put that motherfucker
back on.

[laughter]

I woke up the next morning,
nigga,

had all kind of corn and shit
in the nigga's 'fro.

It took two days
to get that shit out.

And you know what fucks me up?
Every time you throw up,

why is there corn?

I ain't had corn
since last fucking July.

Where the fuck the corn
keep coming from?

You take a shit,
there's corn!

It's like corn just hang out
in your intestines

"I leave when I wanna leave."

[laughter]

Ladies, don't get it twisted,
though,

we love you like a motherfucker.

Whoever wrote this statement
was real honest, man.

"Can't live with you,
can't live without you."

Living with you
is a motherfucker.

Y'all motherfuckers
will find a way to fuck up

a relationship
when it's right at it's best.

You know what I mean?
I don't know why y'all do it.

It's auto-pilot.
"Things are too good.

-I must fuck it up."
-[laughter]

You know what I'm saying?
This is when you finally, like,

"Nigga, damn,
I love my wife, man.

Look at my beautiful children.
Look at this house, nigga.

We doing this shit."
"[growling]

-[laughter]
-We need to talk."

"About what?"

"See, that's what
I'm talking about?

You don't even know
what I wanna talk about."

Why do y'all play that fucking
riddle me shit?

"Bitch, what the fuck
you wanna say?

I ain't no goddamn psychic."

"You didn't notice
I did my hair."

"Your hair?!
This is what we talking about?

I didn't notice you did
your motherfucking hair?

Ha ha! You did it!
You like it? Ha ha!

[laughter]

You gonna fuck up thisrelationship with that bullshit?

All right, bitch,
let's play this game.

You didn't notice I got
a new grey hair on my left nut.

Now we both didn't notice
some shit."

That's when they run out
the room, "[crying]"

"Bitch, bye.
The game on."

[laughter]

Ladies, we love you...

but we need your help,
you understand me?

I think that we need
a female president myself.

-[cheers and applause]
-Real talk.

You know what I mean?

'Cause America's
fucked up right now.

You know,
motherfuckers talking about,

"America's the greatest country
on earth."

No, we not.
We steal kids from they parents

down in our motherfucking borderin the south, nigga.

We kidnap motherfucking kids.

That ain't nothing
to be proud of.

This nation ain't great.
It's like being an alcoholic.

You can't cure yourself
till you admit you fucked up.

Long as we keep running around
lying to ourselves,

"America's the greatest country
on earth."

No, motherfucker,
we fucked up

and we gotta fix this shit.
It needs a mother in spirit.

'Cause men, we got testosterone.All we gonna do is,

"Look how big my dick is.
Blow the bitch up. Ha ha!"

We need a female up in there
to caress this nation.

Nigga, and raise
this motherfucker up

-and turn it back into a family.-[cheers and applause]

But once a goddamn month
we gonna have to take

-the missile codes from her.
-[laughter]

Yeah, that PMS shit?
That bitch get the codes,

-"Blow up everybody!"
-[laughter]

'Cause, women,
y'all bad motherfuckers.

Y'all can work
while you're on your period,

you understand me?

You're on your period
for a week,

you don't die,
you got the string hanging,

and still go to work.
"Going to work."

That's because
men are in charge,

you understand me?
I believe every woman

should get that week off
when they on their period.

-[women cheering]
-With pay, nigga!

You understand me?
'Cause you don't want

that bitch at the job anyway.

That bitch coming to work,
"What y'all lookin' at?!

What the fuck on your mind?"
"Baby, just go on home.

Just go home."

That's why it's called PMS,
nigga.

Pain, misery, and shit.

[laughter]

Nigga, if men had periods...
watch how quick

that law would pass.
If we had periods, nigga...

'cause we got testosterone.
It'd be a whole different trip.

Nigga be walking around,
"I'm on my period, nigga!"

"What's wrong with you?!"
"Nigga, I got blood

comin' out my dick, nigga!

I gotta wear this cotton sleeve
with a twisty tie.

[laughter]

I'm on my period, nigga!"

And, nigga,
it'd be a period walk, nigga.

Women would know.
"That nigga on his period.

Look at the walk."

[laughter]

Everybody be sounding like
Bernie Mac.

[as Bernie Mac] "What the fuck
you looking at, motherfucker?

You motherfucking ass,
looking at a nigga.

I'm on my motherfucking period!
I'm on my fucking period!"

[laughter]

[normal voice]
Hell motherfucking yeah, nigga.

Shit.
Y'all some bad mot--

And, ladies, y'all know
when y'all on your period,

y'all still go to a club.

Then they'll meet
in the bathroom.

"Girl, you got a tampon?
I ran out."

You know, bitches
share shit like that.

"Here you go, girl."
One size fit all.

Nigga, if we had periods,
nigga be in the bathroom,

"Hey, my nigga...

you got an extra sleeve on you?""Here you go."

"Nigga, what am I gonna do
with this little, bitty shit?

I need the jumbos, nigga!

Nigga, I'm wearing white.
I gotta go.

This shit about to show,
nigga.

I went back home
to Kansas City a few weeks ago.

My Uncle James has got
fourth-stage cancer.

So he called me up, nigga,
and, um...

he said, "Eddie, um...

they told me, you know,
I don't know how much, uh,

time I got left
and, um...

you my favorite nephew.
I want you to come back,

you know, I wanna be able
to tell all those--

not everybody in the family,
just the ones I love,

I just wanna be able
to tell all of y'all to...

kiss my black ass
one last time."

I said, "Unc, I'd be honored
to come back and let you

tell me to kiss your black ass
one last time."

So, nigga, I gathered up
the cousins and family

from L.A.
and out here in Vegas, nigga.

We flew back home.
We at James' house, nigga.

James had a table set up withevery liquor you could think of,

weed, all kind of shit.
I said, "Nigga..."

He said,
"You ain't gotta bring shit.

Shit, I'm dying.
I sold the house.

Nigga, we gonna drink up
the crib tonight!

So, nigga, we sitting there
getting drunk and shit

and, nigga, look,
those who've been fans

of mine for a while
remember Dysfunktional Family.

Y'all have met my uncles,
Curtis, James, Bucky,

and my mama, right?

So, nigga, they all sitting
around--Now our generation

listening to these niggas
talk...nigga.

They was sitting there with
one of 'ems wives talking about

-"Yeah, we all fucked her.
-[audience exclaims]

I think James
was the first one to fuck her.

Was it you, James?
No, it was Bucky, nigga.

Bucky got her first
and then, uh, Curtis hit it."

And she right there saying,
"Yup, yup, uh...

it was you, James.
I fucked you first.

Uh, Bucky little motherfucking
ass dancing nigga.

I had to give him some pussy.

And I gave, uh--uh, Curtis some.Big old horse-dick nigga.

I didn't go back there no more,
but I stayed with you, James,

'cause you had the right
stroke."

Nigga, me and my brother
and my cousin

was sitting there,
"Nigga...

we ain't gonna have no stories
to match this shit

with our little youngins
when we the old motherfuckers

sitting around playing
bid whist.

Hey, baby bro!"
"Yeah, Eddie?"

"Shit, remember that time
I didn't fuck your wife?

You remember that time
you didn't fuck none of mine?"

-Boring ass shit.
-[laughter]

But he had a good time, nigga.

He was sitting there.
He got fucked up and drunk.

And then the nigga
went to the hospital

and they told him he's got
at least 17 more years.

[laughter]

This nigga done
drunk the house up.

[laughter]

This nigga gonna be homeless
for 17 years.

[laughter]

I ain't gonna let the nigga
go homeless.

Shit, I bought the nigga
house back.

Hell, motherfucking, yeah,
nigga.

I love him to death.
Shit.

Hell, yeah.
I didn't have no father, nigga.

Them was my three
father-figures,

-you know what I mean?
-[applause]

Them motherfuckers like,
"Ed, you such a great dad

with your kids, nigga.
You didn't have a father."

I said,
"Nigga, I made a promise.

I'm gonna be the father
that I always wanted.

-[woman] I know that's right!
-It's easy to do, shit.

-[applause]
-As a kid you know

what you want a father to do.

Well, nigga,
that's what I'm doing for mine.

-[woman] That's right.
-You know what I mean? Shit.

"We gonna go play catch, nigga?

All right, nigga,
let's knuckle up, nigga.

Tighten that jab up.
Twist it, nigga. Twist it.

You know what I mean?
Drop that hook on 'em, nigga."

You know, just basic shit.

"Take the trash out,
little fucker."

[laughter]

Hell, yeah, nigga.

Daughters are so hard
to raise, nigga.

-Shit.
-[man] Little terrorists!

Yeah, they terrorists, nigga,
and they hustlers.

You give your son a football,
he'll play with that

same football till he make it
to the pros

making money playing football.

You buy your daughter
a Barbie doll,

now it needs a Ken doll.
Now they need friends.

Now they need an apartment.
Now they need a car.

Now they need some
fucking clothes and shit.

This shit go on for 18 years.
They'll break your ass.

Why do you think a father
is so happy

to give his daughter away
at a wedding?

"Uh, nigga,
it's your problem now.

I hope you got a good job.
That little bitch broke me.

[laughter]

And God made sure
they can't come back.

'Cause you--
When you get married,

your last name change.

She try to come back,
"Daddy...

just wondering if you could
help us on the light bill.

He just lost his job."

"I told you nigga wasn't shit
when brought him by the house,

but, no,you was so in love.

Let's see if love
turn them lights back on.

I only take care of Griffins,
you a Williams now.

[laughter]

All right, let me
get outta here, y'all.

I gotta go
'cause I got another show

in September...

[delayed laughter]

It take a minute
to get ready for this shit.

[laughter]

Look it, here, y'all.
Y'all been wonderful.

I'm E.G. G.C.
God's child.

One time for your mind
and never let a hater

rent a motherfucking
moment of time in your mind.

Take the Lord with you.

[cheers and applause]

[funk music playing]

♪

♪ Impossible

♪

♪ They all like to
beat us down ♪

♪

♪ They all like to
see us proud ♪

♪ They all like to

♪ Stand in line today

♪ But it'll never happen
no way, no way ♪

♪ They all like to

♪ Sit and stare

♪ They all like to
come and-- ♪

[microphone droans]

[bright tone]