Original subtitles

This is your lunch, okay? Now, I put a dollar in there so you can buy some

You can ask one of the big kids where to do that.

Do you remember your phone number?

I wrote it down for you just in case. Put it in your pocket. I don't want you

lose it.

Okay.

You ready?

I think so.

It's Katie's big day.

I guess it's natural for parents to cry on their kid's first day of school.

But, you know, this usually happens when the kid is five.

I'm 16, and until today, I was homeschooled. I know what you're

Homeschooled kids are freaks. X -Y -L -O -C -A -R -P.

Dynacarp. Or that we're weirdly religious or something.

And on the third day, God created the Remington Bull Action Rifle so that man

could fight the dinosaurs and the homosexuals. Amen.

But my family's totally normal.

Except for the fact that both my parents are research zoologists and we spent

the last 12 years in Africa.

I had a great life.

But then my mom got off her tenure at Northwestern University.

So it was goodbye Africa and hello high school.

I'm okay. Sorry.

I'll be careful.

I don't know if anyone told you about me.

I'm a new student here. My name is Katie Hare. Talk to me again and I'll kick

your ass.

You don't want to sit there.

Kristen had me, so I'm just going to sit there.

Hey, baby.

Uh -uh.

He farted.

Miss Norvary?

My T -shirt stuck to my sweater, isn't it? Yeah.

Fantastic. Is everything all right in here?

Oh, yeah.

So, uh, how was your summer?

I got divorced.

Oh.

My carpal tunnel came back.

I win.

Yes, you do.

Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that we have a new student joining us.

She just moved here all the way from Africa.

Welcome.

I'm from Michigan.

Great.

Her name is Catty. Catty Heron. Where are you, Catty? That's me.

It's pronounced like Katie.

My apologies.

I have a nephew named Anthony, and I know how mad he gets when I call him

Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister

him Anthony.

Well, welcome, Katie, and thank you, Mr. Duvall. Well, thank you.

And if you need anything or if you want to talk to somebody...

Thanks.

Maybe some other time when my shirt isn't see -through.

Okay.

Okay. Good day, everybody.

The first day of school was a blur.

A stressful, surreal blur.

I got in trouble for the most random thing. Where are you going?

Oh, I have to go to the bathroom.

You need the lavatory pass.

Okay. Can I have the lavatory pass?

Nice try.

Have a seat.

I had never lived in a world where adults didn't trust me. Where they were

always yelling at me. Don't read ahead.

No green pen.

No food in class.

Did you

see

nipple? It only counts if you saw nipple. I had a lot of friends in

Jumbo! What?

But so far, none in Evanston.

Hey, how was your first day?

Is that your natural hair color?

Yeah.

It's gorgeous.

Thank you.

See, this is the color I want.

This is Damien. He's almost too gay to function.

Nice to meet you.

Nice wig, Janice. What's it made of? Your mom's chest hair.

I'm Janice.

Hi, I'm Katie.

Do you guys know where room G14 is?

Health, Tuesday, Thursday, room G14.

I think that's in the back building.

Oh, yeah, that's in the back building. Yeah, we'll take you there.

Thanks.

Watch out, please.

New meat coming through.

Help.

Spanish.

You're taking 12th grade calculus?

Yeah, I like math.

Ew, why?

Because it's the same in every country.

That's beautiful.

This girl is deep.

Where's the back building?

It burned down in 1987.

Won't we get in some sort of trouble for this?

Why would we get you into trouble?

We're your friends.

I know it's wrong to skip class, but Janice said we were friends, and I was

no position to pass up friends.

I guess I'll never know what I missed on that first day of health class.

Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die.

Don't have sex in the missionary position. Don't have sex standing up.

Just don't do it, promise?

Okay, everybody take some rubbers.

Why don't they just keep homeschooling you?

They wanted me to get socialized.

Oh, you'll get socialized, all right. A little slice like you.

What are you talking about?

You're a regulation hottie.

What? Own it.

How do you spell your name again, Catty?

It's Katie. C -A -D -Y.

Yeah, I'm going to call you Catty.

In the name of all that is holy, would you look at Karen Smith's gym clothes?

Of course, all the plastics from the same gym class.

Where are the plastics?

They're teen royalty.

If North Shore was Us Weekly, they would always be on the cover. That one there,

that's Karen Smith.

She is one of the dumbest girls you will ever meet.

Damien sent extra in English last year.

She asked me how to spell orange.

And that little one? That's Gretchen Wieners.

She's totally rich because her dad invented toaster strudel. Gretchen

knows everybody's business. She knows everything about everyone.

That's why her hair is so big.

And evil takes a human form in Regina George.

Well, I don't be fooled, because she may seem like your typical selfish,

backstabbing, slut -faced ho -bag, but in reality, she is so much more than

that. She's the queen bee, the star. Those other two are just her little

workers. Regina George.

How do I even begin to explain Regina George?

Regina George is flawless.

She has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus. I hear her hair is insured for

,000. I hear she does car commercials in Japan.

Her favorite movie is Varsity Blue.

One time she met John Stamos on a plane. And he told her she was pretty. One

time she punched me in the face.

It was awesome.

She always looks fierce.

She always wins Spring Fling Queen.

Who cares?

I care.

Every year the seniors throw this dance for the underclassmen called the Spring

Fling. And whosoever is elected Spring Fling King and Queen automatically

becomes head of the Student Activities Committee. And since I am an active

member of the Student Activities Committee, I would say, yeah, I care.

Wow, Damien, you've truly outgayed yourself.

Here, this map is going to be your guide to North Shore. Now, where you sit in

the cafeteria is crucial because you've got everybody there. You've got your

freshmen, ROTC guys, preps, JV jocks.

Asian nerds, cool Asians, varsity jocks,

unfriendly black hotties, girls who eat their feelings, girls who don't eat

anything, desperate wannabes, burnouts, sexually active bandies,

the greatest people you will ever meet, and the worst.

Beware of the plastic.

Hey, we're doing a lunchtime survey of new students. Can you answer a few

questions? Okay.

Is your muffin buttered?

What?

Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?

My what? Is he bothering you?

Jason, why are you such a skis?

I'm just being friendly.

You were supposed to call me last night. Jason.

You do not come to a party at my house with Gretchen and then scam on some poor

innocent girl right in front of us three days later.

She's not interested.

Do you want to have sex with him?

No, thank you.

Good. So it's settled.

You can go shave your back now.

Bye, Jason.

Bitch.

Wait.

Sit down.

Seriously, sit down.

Why don't I know you?

I'm new. I just moved here from Africa.

What?

I used to be homeschooled. Wait, what?

My mom taught me at home. No, no, I know what homeschool is. I'm not retarded.

So you've actually never been to a real school before?

Shut up.

Shut up!

I didn't say anything.

Homeschool. That's really interesting.

Thanks. You're, like, really pretty.

Thank you.

So you agree.

What? You think you're really pretty.

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, my God. I love your bracelet. Where did you get it? Oh, my mom made it for

me. It's adorable.

So fetch.

What is fetch?

Oh, it's like slang. So English.

So if you're from Africa, why are you white?

Oh, my God, Karen. You can't just ask people why they're white.

Could you give us some privacy for like one second?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, you should just know that we don't do this a lot, so this is like a really

huge deal.

We want to invite you to have lunch with us every day for the rest of the week.

Oh, it's okay. Coolness. So we'll see you tomorrow.

On Wednesdays, we wear pink.

Oh, my God.

Okay, you have to do it, okay? And then you have to tell me all of the horrible

things that Regina says.

Regina seems sweet.

Regina George is not sweet. She's a scum -sucking road whore. She ruined my

life. She's fabulous, but she's evil.

Hey, get out of here. Oh, my God, Danny DeVito, I love your work.

Why do you hate her?

What do you mean?

Regina, you seem to really hate her.

Yes, what's your question?

Well, my question is, why?

Regina started this rumor that Jenna... Damien!

Damien, shall we not?

Now, look, this isn't about hating her, okay? I just think that it would be like

a fun little experiment if you were to hang out with them and then tell us

everything that they say.

What do we even talk about?

The hair products.

Ashton Kutcher.

Is that a band? Can you just do it, please?

Okay, fine. Do you have anything pink?

Yes.

By eighth period, I was so happy to get to math class.

I mean, I'm good at math. I understand math. Nothing in math class could mess

up. Hey, do you have a pencil I can borrow?

I've only had one other crush in my life.

His name was Nifume, and we were five.

Me, me, me, me, me, me.

It didn't work out.

But this one hit me like a big yellow school bus.

Katie, what do you think?

He was so cute.

I mean, um, a sub n equals n plus 1 over 4.

That's right.

Good.

Very good.

All right, let's talk about your homework.

Hey. How was your second day?

Fine. Were people nice?

No. Did you make any friends?

Yeah.

Having lunch with the plastics was like leaving the actual world and entering

girl world. And girl world had a lot of rules.

You can't wear a tank top two days in a row, and you can only wear your hair in

a ponytail once a week.

So I guess you pick today.

Oh, and we only wear jeans or track pants on Fridays.

Now, if you break any of these rules, you can't sit with us at lunch.

Well, I mean, not just you, like, any of us.

Okay, like, if I was wearing jeans today, I would be sitting over there

freaks.

Oh, and we always vote before we ask someone to eat lunch with us because you

have to be considerate of the rest of the group.

Well, I mean, you wouldn't buy a skirt without asking your friends first if it

looks good on you.

I wouldn't.

Right. Oh, and it's the same with guys. Like, you may think you like someone,

but you could be wrong.

120 calories and 48 calories from fat. What percent is that?

48 into 120.

I'm only eating foods with less than 30 % calories from fat. It's 40%.

Well, 48 over 120 equals X over 100, and then you cross -multiply and get the

value of X.

Whatever. I'm getting cheese fries.

So, have you seen any guys that you think are cute yet?

Well, there's this guy in my calculus class. Who is it? It's a senior.

His name's Aaron Samuels. No! No, no, no. Oh, no. You can't like Aaron

That's Regina's ex -boyfriend.

They went out for a year.

Yeah, and then she was devastated when he broke up with her last summer.

I thought she dumped him for Shane Omen.

Regardless, ex -boyfriends are just off -limits to friends. I mean, that's just

like the rules of feminism.

Don't worry.

I'll never tell Regina what you said.

It'll be our little secret.

Even though I wasn't allowed to like Aaron, I was still allowed to look at

And think about him?

And talk to him?

Hey, you're the Africa girl, right?

Yeah. I'm Kevin Empor, captain of the North Shore Mathletes. We participate in

math challenges against other high schools around the state, and we can get

twice as much funding if we've got a girl.

So you should think about joining.

Oh, you'd be perfect for it.

Yeah, definitely.

Great, great. Let me give you my card.

Okay, so, uh...

Think it over.

Because we'd like to get jackets.

Hey.

Get in, loser. We're going shopping.

Regina's like the Barbie doll I never had. I'd never seen anybody so

I think I'm joining the math league.

No. No, no. You cannot do that. That's social suicide.

Damn, you are so lucky you have us to guide you.

Being

at

Old Orchard Mall kind of reminded me of being home in Africa.

By the watering hole.

And the animals are in heat.

Oh, there's Jason.

Where?

Oh, there he is.

And he's with Taylor Waddell.

I heard they're going out.

Wait. Jason's not going out with Taylor.

No. He cannot blow you off like that.

He's such a little scheme.

Give me your phone.

You're not going to call him, right? You think I'm an idiot?

No.

Waddell on South Boulevard?

Call her ID. Not when you connect some information.

Hello? Hello, may I please speak to Taylor Waddell?

She's not home yet. Who's calling?

Oh, this is Susan from Planned Parenthood. I have her test results.

If you could have her give me a call as soon as she can.

It's urgent.

Thank you.

She's not going out with anyone.

Okay, that was so fetch.

Wow, your house is really nice.

I know, right?

Make sure you check out her mom's blue job.

Their heart is rock.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hi.

Welcome to our home.

I just want you to know, if you need anything, don't be shy, okay?

There are no rules in this house. I'm not like a regular mom. I'm a cool mom.

Right, Regina?

Please stop talking.

Okay. I'm going to make you girls a hump day treat.

This is your room?

It was my parents' job.

But I made them trade me.

Hey, put on 98 .8.

Katie, do you even know who sings this?

Um, the Spice Girls?

I love her. She's like a Martian.

God, my hips are huge.

Oh, please. I hate my cat.

I bet you guys can wear halters. I've got man shoulders.

I used to think there was just fat and skinny.

Apparently, there's a lot of things that can be wrong on your body.

My hairline is so weird. My pores are huge.

My nail beds suck.

I have really bad breath in the morning.

Ew.

Hey, you guys.

Happy hour is from four to six.

Um,

is there alcohol in this? Oh, God, honey, no.

What kind of mother do you think I am?

Why do you want a little bit? Because if you're going to drink, I'd rather you

do it in the house.

No, thank you.

So, you guys, what is the 411?

What has everybody been up to?

What is the hot gossip?

Tell me everything.

What are you guys listening to? What's the cool jam?

Mom, could you go fix your hair?

Okay.

You girls keep me young. Oh, I love you so much.

Oh my God, I remember this.

I haven't looked at that in forever.

Check it out, Katie.

It's our burn book.

Did we cut out girls' pictures from the yearbook? And then we wrote comments.

Trang Pak is a crusty little biatch.

Still true.

Don Schweitzer is a fat virgin.

Still half true.

Amber D 'Alessio. She made out with a hot dog.

Janice Ian Dyke.

Who is that?

I think that's that kid Damien.

Yeah, he's almost too gay to function.

That's funny. Put that in there.

Oh, no.

Maybe that was only okay when Janet said it.

And they have this book, this burn book, where they write mean things about all

the girls in our grade. What does it say about me?

You're not in it.

Those bitches.

Will this minimize my pores? No. Caddy, you've got to steal that book.

No way. Oh, come on. We could publish it, and then everybody would see what an

axe wound she really is. I don't steal.

That is for your feet.

Daddy, there are two kinds of evil people. People who do evil stuff and

who see evil stuff being done and don't try to stop it. Does that mean I'm

morally obligated to burn that lady's outfit?

Oh, my God, that's Miss Norbury. Oh, I love seeing teachers outside of school.

It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind leg.

Oh, hey, guys, what's up? I didn't know you worked here. Yeah, moderately priced

soaps are my calling.

Shopping? No, no, I'm just here with my boyfriend.

Joking. Sometimes older people make jokes.

My nana takes her wig off when she's drunk.

Your nana and I have that in common.

No, actually, I'm just here because I bartend a couple nights a week down at

Calamity's.

Katie, I hope you do join Math Lease, you know, because we start in a couple

weeks, and I would love to have a girl on the team, just, you know, so the team

could meet a girl.

I think I'm going to do it.

Great. You can't join Math Lease. It's social suicide.

This has been sufficiently awkward, and I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Bye. Oh,

man, that is bleak.

So, when are you going to see Regina again?

I can't spy on her anymore. It's weird. Come on. She's never going to find out.

It'll be like our little secret.

Hello? I know your secret.

Oh, God, busted.

Just start apologizing and crying.

No, play it cool.

Secret? What are you saying about? Gretchen told me that you like Aaron

I mean, I don't care. Do whatever you want.

But let me just tell you something about Aaron.

All he cares about is school and his mom and his friends.

Is that bad?

But if you like him, whatever. I mean, I could talk to him for you if you want.

Really? You would do that? I mean, nothing embarrassing, though, right? Oh,

Trust me. I know exactly how to play it.

But wait.

Aren't you so mad at Gretchen for telling me?

No. Because if you are, you can tell me. It was a really bitchy thing for her to

do.

Yeah, it was pretty bitchy, but I'm not mad. I mean, I guess she just likes the

attention. See, Gretch? I told you she's not mad at you. I can't believe you

think I like attention.

Okay, love ya. See you tomorrow.

I had survived my first three -way calling attack.

And with Regina's blessing, I started talking to Aaron more and more.

On October 3rd, he asked me what day it was.

It's October 3rd.

Two weeks later, we spoke again.

It's raining.

Yeah. But I wanted things to move faster, so I followed my instincts.

Hey, um, I'm totally lost.

Can you help me? But I wasn't lost. Yeah. I knew exactly what Miss Norbury

talking about. It's a factorial, so you multiply each one by n.

Wrong. Is that the summation?

Yeah, they're the same thing.

Wrong. He was so wrong.

Thanks. I, uh, I get it now.

We're having a Halloween party at my friend Chris's tonight.

You want to come?

Yeah, sure.

Great. Here's where it is.

It's a costume party. People get pretty into it.

Okay.

That flyer admits one person only, so don't bring some other guy with you.

Cool.

I meant to say cool, and then I started to say great.

Right. Well, cool.

See you tonight.

Hey, Africa.

You staying for the math leach meeting?

Uh, yeah, I'll be right back.

Okay, I lied. But I had to go home and work on my costume.

In the regular world, Halloween is when children dress up in costumes and beg

for candy.

In girl world, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like

total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.

The hardcore girls just wear lingerie and some form of animal hair.

What are you?

I'm a mouse.

Duh.

Unfortunately, no one told me about the slut rule, so I showed up like this.

It's Halloween.

Have you seen Jason?

You know who's looking fine tonight?

Seth Musacast.

Okay, you did not just say that.

What? He's a good kisser.

He's your cousin.

Yeah, but he's my first cousin.

Right. So you have your cousins, and then you have your first cousins, and

you have your second cousins. No, honey.

That's not right, is it?

That is so not right.

Hey. Hey.

You made it.

And you are a zombie bride.

An ex -wife.

Love it. Can I get you something to drink?

Yeah. You're right back.

Karen, stop it.

Hey,

Seth.

Hey.

Oh, no.

Didn't anybody tell you? You were supposed to wear a costume.

Shut up.

I need to talk to you.

You know that girl, Katie?

Yeah, she's cool.

I invited her tonight.

Well, be careful, because she has a huge crush on you.

Really?

How do you know?

Because she told me.

She tells everybody.

It's kind of cute, actually.

She's like a little girl. She, like, writes all over her notebook, Mrs. Erin

Samuel. And she made this T -shirt that says, I heart Erin, and she wears it

under all her clothes.

Oh, come on.

Well, who can blame her? I mean, you're gorgeous.

And okay, look, I'm not saying she's a stalker, but she saved this Kleenex you

used, and she said she's going to do some kind of African voodoo with it to

you like her.

This was it. Regina said

she would talk to Aaron for me, and now she was.

I know she's kind of socially retarded and weird, but she's my friend, so just

promise me you won't make fun of her.

Of course I'm not going to make fun of her.

How could Janice hate Regina?

She was such a good... slut!

What are you doing?

You broke up with me.

That's crazy.

Why would I break up with you?

You're so hot.

That's a scary mask, bro.

I had never felt this feeling before. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. My

stomach felt like it was going to fall out my butt. I had this lump in my

like after you dry swallow a big pill.

I hated Regina.

I hated her.

Regina took Aaron back.

Oh, no, Catty.

Why would she do that? Because she's a life ruiner.

She ruins people's lives.

When we were 13, she made people sign this petition saying that Janice was...

Damien, please!

Look, she's not going to get away with this again, okay? We're going to do

something. We are?

Regina George is an evil dictator.

How do you overthrow a dictator?

You cut off her resources.

Regina would be nothing without her high -status man candy, technically good

physique, and ignorant band of loyal followers.

Now, Caddy, if we want this to work, you are going to have to keep hanging out

with them like nothing is wrong.

Can you do it?

I can do it.

Okay, let's rock this bitch.

Pretending like nothing was wrong turned out to be surprisingly easy.

And Regina wanted me to tell you that she was trying to hook you up with

but he was just interested in getting your back. And that's not Regina's

No, I know.

Okay, so you're not mad at Regina?

God, no.

Oh, okay, good, good.

Regina wanted me to give you that.

Let's go to South Beach Fat Flush, and all you drink is cranberry juice for 72

hours. This isn't even cranberry juice. It's cranberry juice cocktail. It's all

sugar. I want to lose three pounds.

You're crazy.

Why do you wear your hair like that? Your hair looks so sexy, pushback.

Katie, will you please tell him his hair looks sexy, pushback?

Regina was dangling Aaron in front of me on purpose.

I knew how this would be settled in the animal world.

But this was girl world.

Your hair looks sexy, pushback.

And in girl world, all the fighting had to be sneaky.

All this cranberry juice is making me break out.

Wait, I have this really good skin stuff I'll bring you.

Okay. We kept our eyes open for opportunities for sabotage.

Regina.

Thank you.

Your face smells like pepper.

you guys.

It's been a month and all we've done is make Regina's face smell like a foot.

I've been really busy with choir.

We gotta crack Gretchen Wieners. We crack Gretchen and then we crack the

Regina's whole dirty history.

Say crack again.

Crack. Alright, let's reconvene tonight.

I can't. I have to go to Regina's to practice for the talent show.

We're doing a dance to this song.

Jingle Bell Rock.

You guys know that song?

Everybody in the English speaking world knows that song. They do it every year.

Well, I have to learn it.

Uh -oh. Come.

Hey.

Why were you talking to Janice Ian?

I don't know. I mean, she's so weird. She just, you know, came up to me and

started talking to me about crack.

She's so pathetic.

Let me tell you something about Janice Ian.

We were best friends in middle school.

I know, right? It's so embarrassing.

I don't even... Whatever.

So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend, Kyle, who

was totally gorgeous, but then he moved to Indiana.

And Janice was, like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to

hang out with Kyle, she'd be like, why didn't you call me back?

And I'd be like, why are you so obsessed with me?

So then for my birthday party, which was an all -girls pool party, I was like,

Janice, I can't invite you because I think you're a lesbian.

I mean, I couldn't have a lesbian at my party.

There could be girls there in their bathing suits.

I mean, right? She was a lesbian.

So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her. It was so

And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her. When

came back in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she was

totally weird. And now I guess she's on crack.

Oh, my God.

I love your skirt. Where did you get it?

It was my mom's in the 80s.

Vintage. So adorable.

Thanks.

That is the ugliest effing skirt I've ever seen.

Oh, my God. I love your bracelet. Where did you get it?

So, are you going to send any candy canes? No.

I don't send them. I just get them.

So, you better send me one, Biatch.

Love ya.

I was definitely sending her one.

I was going to use three candy canes to crack Gretchen Wieners.

Three, please.

Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world like a colossus might translate

into, why is he so huge and obnoxious?

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Candy cane grounds.

Okay, hurry up.

Taylor Zimmerman, two for you.

Glen Coco, four for you, Glen Coco. You go, Glen Coco.

And, uh, Catty Heron. Do we have a Catty Heron here?

It's Katie.

Oh, Katie, here you go. One for you.

And none for Gretchen Wieners. Bye.

Who's that from?

Thanks for being such a great friend. Love, Regina.

That's so sweet.

Once Gretchen thought Regina was mad at her, the secrets started pouring out.

All I had to do was wait for one we could use.

Thank you.

Welcome to the North Shore High School Winter Talent Show.

Let me hear you make some noise.

All right, settle down.

Our first act calls himself a star on the rise.

Let's hear it for Damien.

Don't look at me.

I mean, why would Regina send you guys candy canes and not me?

Maybe she forgot about you.

Yeah, Regina has been acting kind of weird lately. I mean, is something

bothering her?

Well, I mean, her parents totally don't sleep in the same bed anymore, if that's

what you mean.

Oh, my God. Don't tell her I told you that.

You didn't hear that?

Yo, yo, yo. Oh, you sucker MCs ain't got nothing on me. From my grades to my

lines, you can't talk to Kevin G. I'm a mathlete. The nerd isn't third, but

forget what you heard. I'm like James Bond III.

This is shaking, not stirred. I'm Kevin the Poor.

The G is silent when I sneak in your door.

I make love to the woman on the bathroom floor. I don't play it like Shag.

You'll know it was me, because the next time you see her, she'll be like me.

Kevin G.

Thank you, Kevin. That's enough.

Happy holidays, everybody.

KG and the Power of Three.

Does it bother you that they still use your original choreography?

Shut up.

Damn.

What? I'd rather see you out there shaking that thing.

Uh, Gretchen, switch sides with Katie.

But I'm always on your left.

Well, that was when there were three of us, and now the tallest go in the

middle. The whole dance will be backwards.

I'm always on your left. And right now you're getting on my last nerve. Switch.

And finally, please welcome to the stage, Santa's Helpers doing Jingle Bell

Rock.

Show them.

That's why you wanted to join the mathletes.

Mathletes? You hate math.

Look how red she is. You love him, and he totally complimented you. That is so

fetch.

Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen. It's not going to happen.

Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try

to get smushed under his big feet?

What's so great about Caesar?

Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. Yeah, Brutus is just as smart as Caesar.

People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar. And when did it

become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that's

what Rome is about. We should totally just stab Caesar!

Gretchen Wiener's head cracked.

If you even knew how mean she really is, you know that I'm not allowed to wear

hoop earrings, right?

Yeah, two years ago she told me that hoop earrings were her thing.

And then I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore. And then for Hanukkah, my

parents got me this pair of really expensive white gold hoops.

And I had to pretend like I didn't even like them.

It was so sad.

And you know she cheats on Aaron.

Yes, every Thursday he thinks she's doing SAT prep, but really, she's

with Shane Omen in the projection room above the auditorium.

I never told anybody that because...

Jackpot. Gretchen's secret had put the plan back in motion.

After Christmas break, we tried every Thursday to help Aaron catch Regina in

act.

Hey.

Hey, what's up?

My purse!

Why do we think we could do this? We're amateurs. No, we just have to regroup.

Think outsider box.

What are Calteen bars?

They're these weird Swedish nutrition bars. My mom used to give them to the

in Africa to help them gain weight.

They're these weird nutrition bars my mom uses to lose weight.

Give me it.

It's all in, like, Swedish or something.

Yeah, you know, there's some weird ingredient in them that's not legal in

.S. yet.

Ephedrine?

No. Phenamine?

No.

It burns carbs.

It just burns up all your carbs.

I really want to lose three pounds.

Oh, my God, what are you talking about? You're so skinny.

Shut up.

The weird thing about hanging out with Regina was that I could hate her, and at

the same time, I still wanted her to like me.

You have really good eyebrows.

Thanks. Move.

Same with Gretchen. The meaner Regina was to her, the more Gretchen tried to

Regina back.

She knew it was better to be in the plastics, hating life, than to not be in

at all.

Because being with the plastics is like being famous.

People looked at you all the time, and everybody just knew stuff about you.

That new girl moved here from Africa. I saw Katie Heron wearing army pants and

flip -flops, so I bought army pants and flip -flops.

That kitty girl is hot.

She might even be hotter than Regina George. I hear Regina George is dating

Aaron Samuels again.

The two were seen canoodling at Chris Iso's Halloween party, and they've been

inseparable ever since.

I was a woman possessed.

I spent about 80 % of my time talking about Regina, and the other 20 % of the

time I was praying for someone else to bring her up so I could talk about her

more.

She's not even that good looking if you really look at her.

I don't know.

Now that she's getting fatter, she's got pretty big jugs.

I could hear people getting bored with me, but I couldn't stop.

It just kept coming up like word vomit.

I have this theory that if you cut all her hair off, she'd look like a British

man. Yeah, I know you told me that one before.

Okay,

I'm having an art show, so...

Why don't you take a night off from your double life? I want you to see it.

Coolness.

What is that smell?

Oh, Regina gave me some perfume.

You smell like a baby prostitute.

Thanks.

Meanwhile, I was finding any excuse I could to talk to Aaron.

I don't get this. Do you get any of this?

Nice job, Katie.

Kind of seems like I get it.

If I was going to keep this going, I was going to have to really commit.

Not your best.

Damn, Africa, what happened?

How'd you do?

Not so good.

You know, I think I need a tutor.

I'll tutor you if you ever want to get together after school or something.

Do you think Regina would mind?

No. You guys are friends.

Well, maybe we just won't tell her.

So, what did you get for this one?

Well, the first time I did it, I got a zero.

But then when I checked it, I got...

One. There you go. I got one too.

Yeah, you have to, um, you have to check it because sometimes the product of two

negative integers is a positive number.

Yeah, like negative four and negative six.

That's right.

That's good.

Well, you're a good tutor.

Man, um, look, I...

I can't do this.

It's not fair to Regina.

Why do you like her?

Look, I know she can be really mean sometimes, but... Then why do you like

Why do you?

But... Look, there's good and bad to everybody, right?

Regina's just... She's just more upfront about it.

Oh, no. It was coming up. The word vomit. I didn't mean to say it, but...

cheating on you!

What?

Say what?

Somebody told him about Shane Ullman.

Who?

He said some guy on the baseball team.

Baseball team?

I gave him everything.

I was half a virgin when I met him.

You want to do something fun?

You want to go to Taco Bell?

I can't go to Taco Bell. I'm on an all -carb diet. God, Karen, you are so

stupid.

You're not stupid, Karen.

No, I am actually.

I'm failing almost everything.

Well, there must be something you're good at.

I can put my whole fist in my mouth.

Want to see?

No. That's okay.

Anything else?

I'm kind of psychic.

I have a fifth sense.

What do you mean?

It's like I have ESPN or something.

My breath can always tell when it's going to rain.

Really? That's amazing.

Well, they can tell when it's raining.

I have to admit, I was mildly horrified when Aaron didn't immediately ask me to

be his girlfriend.

I mean, I know he was sad, but how much time did he need? Regina had moved on.

You guys need anything? Some snacks?

A condom?

Let me know.

God love you.

But overall, the plan was going pretty well. Erin had dumped Regina, and she

unknowingly eating 5 ,000 calories a day.

It was time to turn our attention to the army of skanks.

And finally, the nominees for Spring Fling Queen are as follows.

Regina George.

Gretchen Wiener.

Janice Ian.

What is happening to the world?

I couldn't help myself. It was so easy.

...is Katie Heron.

Ian, you put me in there too. That's not part of the plan. I didn't put you in

there. You mean I'm really nominated?

In January, Regina had put a Spring Fling dress on hold at a store called

But being plastic, she needed our advice before she could actually buy it. Can

someone zip me up?

It won't...

Clues? It's a five.

Okay, it must be marked wrong.

Katie, all I've been eating are these calcine bars. They suck.

No, no, this is just how they work.

This is all your water weight.

First you bloat, and then you drop ten pounds like that.

Well, the calcine bars have burned up all your carbs, and now your body's just

running on water.

But once the water's gone, then you'll be all muscle.

It explains it all on the label.

You know Swedish?

Yeah, everyone in Africa can read Swedish.

Ma 'am, do you have this in the next item?

Sorry, we only carry sizes 1, 3, and 5.

You could try Sears.

Katie,

I need your parents to sign this so they know that you're failing.

Failing? You know what's weird about your quizzes, Katie, is that all the

is right and just the answers are wrong.

Really? Really?

Katie, I know that having a boyfriend may seem like the most important thing

the world right now, but you don't have to dumb yourself down to get guys to

like you.

How do you know?

I know. How would I know, right?

I'm divorced.

I'm broke from getting divorced.

The only guy that ever calls my house is Randy from Chase Visa.

And you know why?

Because I'm a pusher.

I push people.

I pushed my husband into law school. That was a bust. I pushed myself into

working three jobs.

And now I'm going to push you because I know you're smarter than this.

Thanks, Miss Norbury.

And if there's anything I can do for extra credit, please let me know.

Oh, I will.

I hate her. I mean, she's totally failing me on purpose because I didn't

those stupid math leagues. She was so queer. She was like, I'm a pusher,

I'm a pusher.

What does that even mean?

Like a drug pusher?

Probably. She said she works three jobs.

You know, I bet she sells drugs on the side to pay for a pathetic divorce.

You let it out, honey.

Put it in the book.

I know it may look like I've become a bitch, but that's only because I was

acting like a bitch.

Hey, I called you last night. How come you didn't call me back?

Oh, I got busy. Sorry.

So you need a ride to my art show this weekend?

Oh, no. I have to go to Madison with my parents.

I'm so sorry.

Well, you want to watch a movie tonight?

Can't. I'm doing major plastic sabotage tonight.

We don't have anything planned for tonight.

Oh, I planned this one on my own.

Love you. Bye.

Gretchen thinks you're mad at her because she's running for Spring Fling

Oh, my God. I'm not mad at her.

I'm worried about her.

I think somebody nominated her as a joke or something. I mean, nobody votes for

her. She's going to have a total meltdown. And who's going to have to

of her? Me.

So you don't think anyone will vote for her?

Katie, she's not pretty.

I mean, that sounds bad, but whatever.

The Spring Fling Queen is always pretty.

Now, the crazy thing is that it should be Karen, but people forget about her

because she's such a slut.

Anyway, I gotta go. I'm going to bed.

Well, she's not mad at you.

Hold on.

Are you okay?

If someone said something bad about you, you'd want me to tell you, right?

No. What if it was someone you thought was your friend?

What are you... Hold on. Other line.

I'm not taking this anymore.

Good for you, Gretchen. Hello?

Let's go out.

Okay. Hold on. I'm on the other line with Gretchen.

Don't invite Gretchen. She's driving me nuts.

Hold on. Okay. Hurry up.

It's Regina.

She wants to hang out with me tonight, but she told me not to tell you.

Do not hang out with her.

Why? You don't want me to tell you.

Oh, you can tell me. Hold on.

Oh, my God. She's so annoying.

Who is?

Who's this?

Gretchen. Right.

Hold on.

Oh, my God. She's so annoying.

I know. Just get rid of her.

Okay. What is it?

Regina says everyone hates you because you're such a slut.

She said that?

You didn't hear it from me.

A little harsh, Gretch.

Whatever. She has a right to know. I can't go out.

I'm sick.

Boo, you whore.

Regina, we have to talk to you.

Is butter a carb?

Yes. Gina, you're wearing sweatpants.

It's Monday.

So? So that's against the rules, and you can't sit with us.

Whatever. Those rules aren't real.

They were real that day I wore a vest.

Because that vest was disgusting.

You can't sit with us!

My pants are all that fits me right now.

Fine.

You can walk home, bitches.

That's where you're going, fat ass.

Gretchen and Karen followed me around all afternoon.

So, what are we doing next again? Yeah, what are we doing? Oh, I have to go to

Madison with my parents.

What?

We have tickets for this thing.

What? Was I the new Queen Bee?

I can try and get out of it.

Yes.

Because I told my friend Janice I'd go to her art show.

We've had these tickets for months.

You love Lady Smith, Black Mambazo.

But she's my friend, and I made her a promise.

I think Katie's old enough to spend one night on her own.

I learned how to control everyone around me.

Hey, I'm having a small get -together at my house tomorrow night.

Do you think I'm an idiot?

No, it's just going to be a few cool people, and you better be one of them,

Biatch.

I don't go.

Shut up. I love that shirt on you.

Aaron Samuels is going to be in my house at my party.

Everything had to be perfect.

And this time when Aaron saw me, I wouldn't be caught in some ridiculous

costume.

You look awesome.

I know, right?

Okay, so I got enough cheese and crackers for eight people. Do you think

enough?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Okay.

It was not enough.

Somehow the word had gotten out about my small get -together.

Jason, it's here with Taylor without.

You think I'm making that?

Have you guys seen Aaron yet?

No.

Dude, put on the Ramayana monkey chair.

Do I know you? See?

What up, dog?

She thinks she can have a party and not invite me? Who does she think she is?

You're right, hon. I like invented her, you know what I mean?

Jason?

I have to talk to you. I love you.

I know, I know.

Hey!

Put that down!

Was Aaron blowing me off?

What's up?

Gretchen came to talk to me.

Oh, no.

Look, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I only date women of

I have to pee.

We'll be right back.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

Me too.

Wow. You look, um... New clothes?

Thanks.

You want to go downstairs?

No, no. Let's stay here.

Thanks for getting me to come out tonight.

Yeah, sure. No problem. I've wasted too much time being pissed off at Regina.

No more liars.

I would never lie to you.

No. I know.

Although, okay, listen, I mean, I did lie to you once, but you're totally

to laugh when I tell you. Tell me what?

I pretended to be bad at math so that you'd help me.

But the thing is, I'm not really bad at math.

I'm actually really good at math.

You're kind of bad at math.

Anyways, now I'm failing. Isn't that funny?

Wait, you're failing on purpose? That's stupid.

No, not on purpose.

Just... You know, I just wanted a reason to talk to you. So why didn't you just

talk to me?

Well, because I couldn't. Because of Regina.

Because you were her property.

Her property? No, shut up. Not her property. No, don't tell me to shut up.

I wasn't... God, you know what?

You are just like a clone of Regina.

No, no, no. Listen to me.

You're not listening to me. Oh, no.

It was coming up again.

Word vomit.

No, wait a minute. What is this?

Actual vomit.

Whoa!

how you forgot to invite us to your party? Janice, I cannot stop this car. I

have a curfew. You know I couldn't invite you. I had to pretend to be

Buddy, you're not pretending anymore. You're plastic.

Cold, shiny, hard plastic.

Curfew, 1 a .m. It is now 1 .10. Did you have an awesome time?

Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music and then just

around and soak up each other's awesomeness? You know what? You're the

made me like this so you could use me for your eighth grade revenge.

mean you try to act like you're so innocent like oh i used to live in

with all the little birdies and the little monkeys you know what it's not my

fault you're like in love with me or something what oh no she did not see

is the thing with you plastics you think that everybody is in love with you when

actually

Hon, slow down.

Like, I can't trust anyone anymore.

Why are you eating a cultine bar?

I'm starving.

Man, I hate those things.

Coach Kermick says eat those when we want to move up a weight class.

What?

They make you gain weight like crazy.

Mother...

nastiest skank bitch I've ever met.

Do not trust her. She is a

fugly...

I found it in the girls' bathroom.

It's so mean, Mr. Duvall.

Is this true?

Train pack made out with Coach Carr?

Good Lord.

What's that say?

Caitlyn calls and is a... Fat whore.

Okay, calm down, Miss George.

Why would someone write that? That's just so mean.

Don't worry. We're going to find out who did it.

There's only three girls in the whole school who aren't in it.

At your age, you're going to be having a lot of urges.

You're going to want to take off your clothes and touch each other.

But if you do touch each other, you will get chlamydia and die.

Coach Carr.

Katie Herron, we want to see you in the principal's office.

All right, chlamydia.

K -L -A.

In here, Miss Herron.

What's going on?

Have a seat, Miss Herron.

Have you ever seen this before?

No.

I mean, yes, I've seen it before, but it's not mine.

You better get your story straight, Miss Herron, because I'm not messing around

here. It's not ours. It's Regina's.

Yeah, she's trying to make it look like we wrote it, but really, she wrote it.

Miss Wieners, why would Regina refer to herself as a fugly slut?

Miss Smith, this is no time to be laughing.

We're going to get to the bottom of this right now.

Maybe we're not in that book because everybody likes us.

And I don't want to be punished for being well -liked.

And I don't think my father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel, would be

pleased to hear about this.

Made out with a hot dog?

Oh my God, that was one time!

Don Schweitzer has a huge ass?

Who would write that?

Who wouldn't write that?

Trey's ass made out with Coach Carr?

And so did Sun Jin Jin.

Do you have anything else you want to say?

Oh, no, I can't answer any more questions until I have a pair and a

present.

Miss Smith?

Whoever wrote it probably didn't think anyone would ever see it.

I hope that nobody else ever does see it.

Mom, can you pick me up? I'm scared.

Janice Ian Dyke. Oh, that's original.

You get a function.

Hey, that's only okay when I say it.

Did you write this?

No, I swear.

Then you told somebody.

She told.

You little bitch.

You're a bitch.

Yeah, take your top off.

Now here's what we're going to do. Come quick. They've gone wild.

The girls have gone wild.

Full tilt jungle madness.

And it wasn't going away.

I pulled these two off each other.

Coach Carr, step away from the underage girl.

Have you ever walked up to people and realized they were just talking about

Have you ever had it happen 60 times in a row?

I have.

Never in my 14 years as an educator have I seen such behavior.

And from young ladies.

I got parents calling me on the phone asking did someone get shot.

I ought to cancel your spring fling.

No.

I'm not going to do that because we've already paid the DJ.

But don't think that I'm not taking this book seriously.

Coach Carr has fled school property.

Miss Norberry's been accused of selling drugs.

Now, what the young ladies in this grade need is an attitude makeover.

And you're going to get it right now.

I don't care how long it takes. I will keep you here all night.

We can't keep them past four.

I will keep you here until four.

Now, what we're going to try to do is fix the way you young ladies relate to

each other.

Okay? Lady to lady.

So who has a lady problem that they like to talk about?

Yes?

Somebody wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin because I use

super jumbo tampons, but I can't help it if I've got a heavy flow and a wide

-set vagina.

Yeah, I can't do this.

Miss Norberry, you're a successful, intelligent, caring, graceful woman.

I am?

There has to be something that you can say to these young ladies. Something to

help them with their self -esteem.

It's not a self -esteem problem. I think they're all pretty pleased with

themselves.

Okay.

Okay.

Everybody close your eyes.

I want you to raise your hand if you have ever had a girl say something bad

about you behind your back.

Open your eyes.

Now, close your eyes again.

And this time, I want you to raise your hand if you have ever said anything

about a friend behind her back.

Open them.

It's been some girl -on -girl crime here.

Okay, so what we could do today is a couple exercises to help you express

anger in a healthy way.

Let's start over here.

Miss Norbury had us confront each other directly about the things that were

bothering us, and it seemed like every click had its own problems. You've been

acting really stuck up ever since you switched to short fielder, and Don

with me.

Don, don't drag me into this. I'm pitching tomorrow.

Okay.

Good.

Can I just say that we don't have a clique problem at this school? And some

us shouldn't have to take this workshop because some of us are just victims in

this situation?

That's probably true. How many of you have ever felt personally victimized by

Regina George?

Good. Okay, who's next?

Who's next?

Um... Katie.

Do you have anything you want to own up to?

Yes. No.

You never made up a rumor about anybody?

Just that you sell drugs.

No.

Nothing you want to apologize for?

I couldn't apologize to Miss Norbury without getting blamed for the whole

book.

No.

I'm really disappointed in you, Katie.

Okay, so we're all here because of this book, right?

Well, I don't know who wrote this book, but you all have got to stop calling

each other sluts and whores. It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts

and whores.

Who here has ever been called a slut?

Okay, everybody out.

Miss Norbury had us write out apologies to people that we'd hurt in our lives.

Alyssa, I'm sorry I called you a gap -toothed bitch.

It's not your fault you're so gap -toothed.

Gretchen, I'm sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes &

Noble. And I'm sorry I told everyone about it.

And I'm sorry for repeating it now.

I don't hate you because you're fat. You're fat because I hate you.

I just wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school.

I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles and we'd all be

happy. She doesn't even go here.

Do you even go to this school?

No. I just have a lot of feelings.

Okay, go home.

I think you're doing a great job.

Thanks. I feel like I'm getting through. I'm sorry that people are so jealous of

me. But I can't help it that I'm popular.

Oh, my God. Okay, walk it off. Walk it off.

Oh, my God, it's her dream come true, diving into a big pile of girls.

Okay, yeah, I've got an apology.

So I have this friend who is a new student this year, and I convinced her

it would be fun to mess up Regina George's life.

So I had her pretend to be friends with Regina, and then she would come to my

house after, and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Regina said,

we gave her these...

candy bar things that would make her gain weight and we turned her best

against her and then uh oh yeah katie you know my friend katie she uh she made

out with regina's boyfriend and then convinced him to break up with her oh

and we gave you a foot cream instead of face wash god i am so sorry regina

really i i don't know why i did it i guess it's probably because i've got a

lesbian crush on you

To find out that everyone hates me, I don't care. Regina, please.

Regina, stop!

Do you know what everyone says about you? They say that you're a homeschooled

jungle freak who's a less hot version of me.

Yeah. So don't try to act so innocent. You can take that fake apology and shove

it right up your hairy... And that's how Regina George died.

No, I'm totally kidding.

But she did get hurt.

Some girls say they saw her head go all the way around, but that's just a rumor.

Some people swear they saw me push her in front of the bus.

That was an even worse rumor.

Everybody done? No.

Mom, I didn't do it.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

Mom, believe me, I'm your daughter.

Why are my tribal vases under the sink?

Huh? My tribal vases? Why were they under the sink?

I don't know.

This is the fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe.

Does that mean anything to you?

No.

Who are you?

Great. All my friends hate me and now my mom hates me.

Your mom does not hate you.

She's afraid of you.

I don't know.

Maybe we mainstream schooled you too soon.

Maybe you should come back and...

Be homeschooled again for a while.

No. Only thing worse than going back would be not going back.

How bad's it gonna be tomorrow?

Remember when we saw those lions fighting over the warthog carcass?

Mm -hmm.

I'll be the warthog.

You're not a warthog.

You're a lion.

Just focus on your studies for a little while.

You're still an excellent student, right?

Oh, yeah.

I need you to sign my calculus test.

Why?

I'm failing.

Hmm. Okay.

You are... What do they call it?

Grounded. You're grounded.

You pushed her in front of the bus.

Did your teacher ever try to sell you marijuana or ecstasy tablets?

No. What are marijuana tablets?

What's going on?

Where's Miss Norbury?

Mr. Duvall, this is ridiculous.

Ms. Norbury does not sell drugs.

I know, Aaron.

But after the allegations against Coach Carr turned out to be extremely true,

the school board felt it was best that we investigate every claim made in this

burn book. That book was written by a bunch of stupid girls who make up rumors

because they're bored with their own lame lives.

Well, unless someone wants to come forward and say I made it all up, this

we have to handle it.

Oh, no.

Bye, Aaron.

You're going to hate me forever.

Mr. Duvall, I wrote it.

When

you

get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out.

That's what I had to do.

Suck all the poison out of my life.

I started with Regina.

who is living proof that the more people are scared of you, the more flowers you

get.

Then there is Miss Norbury, who is living proof that no good deed goes

unpunished.

Oh, hi. Did you want to buy some drugs?

I'm just done with my quiz.

Wait, I'll grade it right now.

I gotta say, watching the police search my house really was the cherry on top of

a fantastic year.

How much trouble did you get in for telling the truth?

A lot.

Well, you didn't write that whole book yourself. Did you tell Mr. Duvall? Who

else did it?

No, because I'm trying this new thing where I don't talk about people behind

their backs.

That's right.

Getting hit by a bus is pretty good punishment.

Ninety -four.

Welcome back, nerd.

Thanks.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

I forgive you.

But as my own personal form of punishment, I figured out how you're

earn that extra credit.

What's up?

Daddy, I hate you.

Brother, I need you.

Lover hates you.

I can see everything here with my third eye.

It's all you. Make me look good out there.

Marymount, you sons of bitches.

You no good sons of bitches.

You nervous?

Yes. Don't be. You can do this. There's nothing to break your focus, because not

one of those Marymount boys is cute.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Illinois High School

Mathletes State Championship.

Let's start the competition. Here is the first question.

Twice the larger of two numbers is three more than five times the smaller, and

the sum of four times the larger and three times the smaller is 71.

What are... North Shore?

14 and 5.

That is correct. Question number two. Find an odd three -digit number whose

digits add up to 12. The digits are all different, and the difference between

the first two digits equals the difference between... Marymount.

741. Correct.

Shoot. I was really rusty.

Where's Katie?

She wouldn't help.

She's grounded.

Are they not allowed out when they're grounded?

Don't forget to vote for Spring Fling King and Queen, people.

These a -holes will represent you for a full calendar year.

I'm going to vote for Regina George because she got hit by that bus.

I'm voting for Katie Heron because she pushed her.

He's supposed to be grounded, but he let her out.

After 87 minutes of very competitive play, we have a tie.

In the event of a tie, we move into a sudden death round.

Each team is given the opportunity to choose their opponent.

North Shore, who do you select?

The girl, dude.

The girl.

Contestant Craft.

From Marymount, Ms. Carolyn Craft.

We pick the girl, too.

And from North Shore?

Miss Catty Heron. It's Katie.

Oh, my God, that's me.

Miss Carolyn Craft seriously needed to pluck her eyebrows.

Her outfit looked like it was picked out by a blind Sunday school teacher.

And she had some 99 -cent lip gloss on her snaggle tooth.

And that's when I realized...

Making fun of Carolyn Kraft wouldn't stop her from beating me in this

Contestants, find the limit of this equation.

Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid

doesn't make you any smarter.

And ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier.

All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.

The limit is negative one.

Oh, crap. I lost.

That answer is incorrect.

Now, we are in a sudden death if Miss Heron...

can answer this problem correctly, we have a winner.

Limits. Why couldn't I remember anything about limits?

Limits. That was the week Aaron got his haircut.

Oh, God, he looked so cute.

Okay, focus, Katie. What was on the board behind Aaron's head?

If the limit never approaches anything,

the limit does not exist.

The limit does not exist!

Our new state champions, the North Shore Mathletes.

You win with the leather sleeves.

Africa, you did the damn thing. Thanks.

Aw, thanks, KG.

You're gonna look so kick -ass in these when we roll into Spring Fling.

Oh, no, I'm not going.

What? Katie, this is your night.

Don't let the haters stop you from doing your thang.

Did you just say thang? Katie, you don't have to punish yourself forever.

But I'm grounded.

You're already out.

All right, do we have all of our nominees for King and Queen on the

Okay, good.

I just wanted to say that you're all winners.

And I could not be happier that this school year is ending.

Here we go.

The winner of the Spring Fling King, Shane Omen.

Yes!

And your Spring... Queen, future co -chair of the Student

Activities Board, and winner of two gift certificates to the Walker Brothers

Pancake House, Katie Herron.

Where is Katie?

There she is.

Thanks. Well,

half the people in this room are mad at me, and the other half only like me

because they think I pushed somebody in front of the bus.

So that's not good.

You know, it's not really required of you to make a speech.

Almost done, I swear.

To all the people whose feelings that got hurt by the burn book, I'm really

sorry.

You know, I've never been to one of these things before.

And when I think about how many people wanted this, and how many people cried

over it and stuff, I mean, I think everybody looks like royalty tonight.

Look at Jessica Lopez.

That dress is amazing.

And Emma Gerber, I mean, that hairdo must have taken hours. And you look

pretty.

So...

Why is everybody stressing over this thing?

I mean, it's just plastic.

It's really just... Share it.

A piece for Gretchen Wieners, a partial spring fling queen.

A piece for Janice Ian.

Seriously, most people just take the crown and go.

And a piece for Gina George.

She fractured her spine, and she still looks like a rock star.

Thank you.

And come for everybody else.

Come

on,

Mr. Duvall, can you wrap it up?

All right, have a good time, everyone.

I'm a queen.

As am I.

Hey. Hey.

So, are we still in a fight?

Are you still an asshole?

I don't think so.

I guess we're okay.

My God, I love this song.

I hate this song.

I know this song.

Oh, man candy stage, right?

Hey. Hey, I didn't think you'd make it.

Oh, um, on behalf of the senior class, I would like to present you with two gift

certificates. Thanks, Uncle!

One gift certificate to the Walker Brothers Pancake House.

Thank you.

Congratulations on winning state.

Oh, I was so nervous. They made us do limits. I thought I was going to hurl.

How's your stomach now?

It's fine.

Do you feel nauseous at all?

No. Have you been drinking? No.

Okay.

Cool.

Love the knees.

I feel that.

In

case

you're wondering, the plastics broke up.

Regina's spine healed, and her physical therapist taught her to channel all her

rage into sports.

It was perfect because the jock girls weren't afraid of her.

Karen used her special talents to do the morning weather announcements.

Hi, this is Karen Smith.

It's 68 degrees and there's a 30 % chance that it's already raining.

And Gretchen found herself a new clique and a new queen bee to serve.

Erin went to Northwestern.

so I still get to see him on weekends.

And me, I had gone from homeschool jungle freak to shiny plastic to most

person in the world to actual human being. Hey.

All the drama from last year just wasn't important anymore.

School used to be like a shark tank, but now I could just float.

Regina.

Finally, girl world was at peace.

Hey, check it out.

Junior Plastics.

And if any freshman tried to disturb that piece, well, let's just say we knew

how to take care of it.

Just kidding.