All language subtitles for South.Park.S18E06.HDTV.x264-LOL

sync and corrections by dreaMaker7
www.addic7ed.com

Oh, hey, Kyle. Kyle, hang on a sec.

Hey, Jimmy. What's up?

Not much. I just wanted to make sure

you've heard the f-f-fantastic news.

There's a new Terrance and
Phillip mobile game, and it's so

- amazing and incredibly fun.
- Oh, really?

Yeah. And the most unbelievable part.

It's totally free!
You should download it to your

phone right now. I mean, come on.

- If it's free, why wouldn't you?
- Cool.

Thanks, Jimmy. Well, I'll check it out.

You betcha, pal.

The " Terrance & Phillip" mobile game.

In this game, you are Terrance and Phillip.

Can you collect all the Canadian coins?

That's one coin. Can you collect more?

You've collected
10 Canadian coins! Congratulations.

Hey, you're really good at this, guy.

- What?
- Congratulations, Kyle.

With Canada coins,
you can buy stuff and help Terrance and

Phillip rebuild Canada.
Run around and collect more

coins, or better yet, buy them in bulk.

How man Canadian coins
would you like to buy?

- This is stupid.
- Well, it's just $.49 for the cheapest one.

You bought 200 Canadian coins for $.49!

You're amazing!
Now use that canadough to help

rebuild Canada.
Click to build a hospital here.

Yay!

It's still stupid, and
now I paid $.49 for it.

What are you two boners doing?

We're playing the "Terrance
& Phillip" freemium game.

I played that thing.

It's dumb.
I ended paying like five bucks.

Who makes this crap?

Oh, it's tewiffic!

That's $200,000 more
American in just one day.

Where is the roof
on this thing?

What's the big idea making
a mobile game without our

- approval?
- Oh, Terrance and Phillip.

How are Canada's two favorite buddies?

What gives you the right to make a stupid
"Terrance & Phillip" mobile game?

Who do you think you are?

Oh, I'm only the prince of Canada.

And this happens to be the
minister of mobile gaming.

We thought you would be
pleased with the quality of the

- mobile game.
- It's the dumbest game ever.

All you do is collect and spend Canadough.

Eh, we know the game's not great.

But who cares? It's free!

But it's not free.
If you charge $.40 here and $.50

there, then it's not free.

They see through the charade.

Uh-oh. You think so?

I think they see through the charade, yes.

I'm pretty sure they can hear us, too.

All right. it.

You've seen through the charade,
so you might as well know

everything. Charade up!

Allow me to explain the science
behind micro-pay freemium

gaming. For years, the concept behind

gaming was simple...
you pay for the game, and you enjoy.

With mobile apps,
we now have the ability to make games that

are boring and stupid,
but if you pay for incentives, you're

- rewarded.
- Freemium... the "mium" is

- Latin for "Not really."
- It's a simple cycle, and

never-ending loop based on rpgs.
Explore, collect, spend,

improve. But where are those just use the

concept of X.P. or experience points,
we've introduced the

idea of micro-paying with money.
Money, money, money, money,

It's what everyone is doing.

Freemium games are what's now,
and it's all just a lot of

harmless fun.

You're in big trouble, Stanley.

Can you explain to us how you

managed to spend $489 on a mobile app?

- I'm sorry. I didn't realize I spent that much.
- You didn't realize?

What are "Canadian coins"?

You buy Canadian coins
so you have canadough.

Stan, just because I make a

good living with my music
doesn't mean you can blow it all

- on canadough.
- I'll pay you back for it, okay?

- How?
- I don't know. I'll figure it out.

- Jesus Christ.
- Can you believe him?

He knew how much he was spending.

He knew he'd get in trouble.
But it didn't matter.

I hate to say it,
but this is a lot like his grandpa.

What do you mean?
Dad's always has a gambling

problem. He's got total addiction

tendencies. Could he have somehow passed

those demons down to Stan?

Well, and you certainly have some
of those problems, too, with drinking.

I had a problem, but I was able to stop.

Now I only drink gluten-free beer and wine.

But with Stan, I think there's
some darkness inside him that

doesn't allow him to stop.

And so, in conclusion,
the successful freemium game is

based on five principles...
Entice the player with a simple

game loop, use lots of flashing
"Cha-chings" and compliments to

make the player feel good about
themselves, train the players to

spend your fake currency,
offer the players way to spend real

currency for your fake currency ...

So they'll forget their spending money.

And make the game about waiting,
but let the player pay

not to wait. It's a sure-fire way to make

- lots of money.
- We understand micro-paying,

but can't the game hidden inside
the charade just at least be fun?

No, no!

It has to be just barely fun.
If the game was too fun, then

there would be no reason to
micro-pay in order to make it

- more fun.
- What's this?

Your checks, of course,
for $10 million American, each.

So this is... everyone is doing this?

- Everyone is doing it.
- It's just the way things are going.

It's the way things are going!

Well, I guess if everyone's just paying $.
40 at a time, it can't be that bad.

Oh, hey, guys.

You... missed school today?

Yeah, I just wasn't feeling the best.

Did you play the "Terrance & Phillip"
freemium game all day?

Well, yeah. I was sick in bed.

- What else was I gonna do?
- How much money did you

- micro-pay today, Stan?
- Nothing.

Dude, I bought like $10 worth of canadough.

But check it out.

I unlocked a stadium in Toronto.

You spent $10 and eight
hours to unlock a stadium?

You guys, is it that much dumber
than video games you play?

Yes.

It's just, like, something
to kill some time.

- Like Jimmy said, it's a cool way to zone out.
- Wait, wait, wait.

- Jimmy told you about this game?
- Jimmy told me about this game.

Kenny, who told you about this game?

- Dude, what...
- The...

Fmph?

Hey, kid. Come over here.

Yeah, come on over. Check this out.

- You looking to have some fun?
- What do you mean?

The "Terrance & Phillip" mobile game.

- All the cool kids are using it.
- Aw, I don't know.

Come on. Just try it out.

You can be Terrance, or Phillip, or both.

You can walk around and collect
Canada cash to build new stuff.

It's the perfect thing if you're bored.

And honestly,
the best part about it is it's free.

I mean, come on. Why wouldn't you
download it and just try it out?

Hey, uh, Jimmy, can we talk?

Well, sure, fellas. Anyway,
be sure to check it out, kid.

Dude, what are you doing?

Just hanging out. What are you up to?

You need to stop recommending
that app to people.

- Mrph. - Everyone we know
says they heard about it from you.

I just think it's a fabulous app. That's all.

- It's not a fabulous app.
- It's stupid.

Let me ask you something, Jimmy.

What happens on level two after
you get the Ontario nugget?

All right, all right. I never played it.

I stay away from the stuff.

You just push it on other people?

- They pay me to!
- Who?

Jimmy! Who pays you?!

You've both done an amazing job.

New hospitals, new neighborhoods,
all funded by one

- freemium game.
- Uh, listen.

Uh, we've been talking it over,
and we really aren't comfortable

- with this freemium thing.
- Oh, what is the matter?

It seems dishonest,
and we have a brand to protect.

But just look at all the
things we're getting to build.

Soon, Canada will be as advanced
and developed as Michigan.

We're just worried that some
people will abuse the game and

start spending more money
than they can afford.

Oh, no! Well, we certainly
wouldn't want that.

Oh, I have an idea.
How about we take some of the

billions of dollars we are
making and we start a campaign

to teach everyone to play
the game in moderation?

Oh!

Do you really think that would help?

Of course! The alcohol industry
does it all the time.

You. Friends.

Fun. Drink.

Hot girls. You're hot.

Drink more. Expensive cars.

Ass. Drink.

Ass. Money.

You in a tuxedo. Threesomes.

Vodka. Pussy.

Drink, drink, drink! You!

Drink! Vegas!

Fun! Pussy!

You in a tuxedo this girl.

Vodka! Drink, drink, drink!

Drink it all, you pussy!
More tuxedo!

More cars! More pussy!

More vodka! Drink, drink, drink!

Please drink responsibly.

Come on. This way, Stan.

I want you to see this.

There you go.

That's your grandpa.
He sits at that slot machine and

mindlessly drains money
away a little bit at a time.

Sound familiar?
All the little sounds and lights

are calculated to keep him
sitting at that stupid machine.

Come on, dad. We're going home.

Ah, go away.

Do you know what
you've done to your grandson?

You've infected him with your bullshit!

What are you talking about?

I just don't understand
what I wrong with you two.

What is the joy that this
stuff possibly brings you?

- It's just...
- It's fun.

- Yeah, it's fun.
- It's not fun!

You two have demons you're
trying to compensate for.

Well, what about you?
You're having a glass of wine.

I'm not having a glass of wine.

I'm having six. It's called
a tasting, and it's classy.

Dad, I'm not addicted.

I can stop. I just like playing it, but I

don't have to. I'll prove it.

Yeah, and if he stops, I'll stop.

All right. And if you two stop, then we

won't have a problem anymore.

Hmm.

Earthy, bold, hint of cherry after-tones.

Is it my responsibility what
people decide to do with their

f-f-free time? I was just the middleman.

People were going to learn about
the game somewhere if not from me.

I'm not the one who made it.

You accepted money from the
Canadian government to push a

freemium game on us.
Why would they do that?

How do you get people addicted to crack?

You give it away for free.
You give away a little taste,

and then... and then some
people can't stop themselves.

And now Stan is so consumed
by the shit by you've been

pushing that he can't even see through it!

How could you sell out your friends?!

I need the money, all right!

I downloaded "Yum yum sparkly gem

Forest" because it was free.
I loved the sparkling little

gems, the sounds they
made when I got new ones.

Then I made my first in-app purchase.

Before I knew it,
I had spent my allowance, then my birthday

money. I lost my crutches!

- You have your crutches.
- It's a figure of speech with

crippled people.
We'd say we lost and arm and a

- leg, but they ain't worth much.
- That makes sense.

You're saying these
games do this on purpose?

Why do you think freemium
games send you those text

notifications when you
haven't played in a while?

It's called a trigger...
A quick image to trigger the

addict's brain. They know
exactly what they're doing.

Hey, buddy!

Come on, guy!

Come back, fwiend.
You've got new buddies, guy.

We've just given you 5,000 Canadian coins.
Enjoy your canadough.

- Free?
- What is wrong with you, Stan?

You said you stopped buying canadough.

I didn't think I spent that much.

I-I clicked on a few micropays
and it just kind of added up.

$26,000? Do you know how many songs I

have to write to make back that much money?

- One.
- Oh, it's just nothing to you, isn't it?

- No. No, it's not.
- You need to realize that you

have something in your brain
that you somehow inherited from

your grandpa that makes
you act this way, okay?

I don't know how you can say
that when you're standing here

- chugging beer.
- I am not chugging beer.

I'm sampling a flight of
gluten-free German lagers with a

French wine pairing.
It's called a schmorgeswein and

it's elegantly cultural.

Okay, I need help.

There is something different
about me, you guys.

I know the game is stupid, and

it actually isn't even fun anymore.

- I don't understand.
- Fellas, could I have a minute

- with Stan, please?
- Sure.

- Come on, guys.
- This is my fault, Stan.

I should have never told you
the game was f-f-f-fa-fantastic.

It's not your fault.
It's something to do with my

family. It's like a curse.

I know this stuff is hard to understand.

Trust me, I know. I'm an addict, too.

- But I got help.
- How?

What all the addiction
programs say is true... you've

got to reach out to a higher power, Stan.

You've got to get down on your
knees and you've got to say,

"I have a problem." And you've
got to ask that

higher power for help.

We have to find a way
to get the word out.

People need to know pushers are

being hired to take advantage of
people with addiction problems.

There has to be a way we can get
to the news company and sneak in

and somehow borrow their TV signal.

If we could disguise ourselves
as something ridiculous, then maybe...

Okay, it's done.

- What's done?
- The word is out.

"Terrance and Phillip hire pushers
to make money off addicts." I tweeted it.

It's trending.

You son of a bitch!

You paid pushers to get addicts
hooked on our freemium game?

- You what?
- Now, hold on, Terrance and Phillip.

There's nothing wrong with

- promoting a mobile game.
- But there's something very

wrong with knowingly making
it appeal to human weaknesses!

You didn't build a mobile game,
you built an addiction

- machine!
- Minister of mobile gaming,

- what's this all aboot?
- All right, all right.

You've seen through the charade again.

Let me explain how
freemium games really work.

The truth is, a very small

percentage of people who
download freemium games ever pay

anything for them.
It's all aboot finding the

heaviest users and extracting
the most amount of cash from

them. That's how you get addicts to

pay 200 bucks for a game
that's not even worth 40 cents.

But then all our profits come
from people with problems.

Don't think aboot that.
Think about all the money.

Here, have a bump of coke.

Okay, but we still won't stand for this.

I don't know if you're listening,
but I guess I have

something inside me that I can't control.

It's something kind of dark.
Please, help show me the way.

You have summoned the prince
of temptation for what purpose?

Oh shit. Uh... I have addiction demons and

- I don't understand them.
- Then allow me to explain the

darkness of the human soul.

So, you've got dopamine, right?

That's the chemical that gets
released in your brain whenever

you do something
pleasurable like eating, sex.

And that's just nature, right,
like, rabbits and fish and shit,

they need dopamine so that they
want to consume to reproduce.

- Okay.
- But because humans have

progressed and now have access
to all the shit they want

whenever they want it,
it's easy for them to overdo and have

dopamine problems. You know,
it's not

rocket science, this stuff.

- So there's nothing spiritually wrong with me?
- no.

It's like... okay, it's like being diabetic.

You know, it's like you can
eat wrong and eat wrong, and

chemicals get released from
your liver in a weird way.

You know, you've been
eating gluten and shit.

And then eventually you've got
a chemical imbalance from your

liver. And something clicked and now

you're diabetic forever, right?
So, like, if you keep doing

something too much, eventually there's,
um, a dopamine

up, right, and you're
kind of screwed up for life.

So what does that mean?
I can get addicted to everything

so I can't enjoy anything?

Yeah, that's pretty much what in means.

The addict people said something
about me filling a hole.

Well who's not filling a
hole, right?

You know? I mean, what
kind of bullshit is that?

So, let's talk about genetics
now. You still have time?

- Yeah, no, this is great.
- Okay, let me get some visual

aids. Give me just a sec.

Here is a fact...
80% of alcohol sales are paid for by

alcoholics. Using slot machine tactics,

freemiums games are able to make
millions off of an even smaller

- percentage of mobile gamers.
- Oh, God, he just doesn't stop.

Who is this guy?

We're building a new Canada
with micropayments from addicts.

Who cares? You think the
alcohol industry cares?

They don't care that 10% are

gonna get addicted. They're counting on it!

It's the same with us.
But we've got our eyes on every

addict's screen.
Every button they click, we get

feedback on how to shove this
shit right down their throats.

Why does he suddenly sound
like Al Pacino in "Devil's advocate"?!

Oh, I'm much worse than the devil.

I'm the Canadian devil!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, dear God! It's the Canadian devil!

- Beelzaboot!
- You discovered my plan,

but too late!

Now the souls of all Canadians belong to me!

- Oh, no!
- Oh, what have I done?!

Hee hee hee! Ha ha ha!

So, basically, the genes you
got from your dad make you more

likely to have trouble with, um,
dopamine regulation, and that's

why you need to kind of watch
out for addictive stuff.

Okay, so, you kind of understand now, champ?

I guess so. But why do companies have to put

so many addictive things out there?

You know, they all do it,
and it's kind of my deal.

I've got to put temptation out there,
too, so people have free

will and all that shit.
But, you know, everyone has

their justification and thinks
what they're doing is okay.

Hey,
buddy, where'd you go?

- Don't you want more canadough?
- What's this?

That's what I've been addicted to.

It's a freemium game sending
me push notifications.

What, you just collect coins?

How
much money can you buy today?

No, see, if something's addictive because
it's fun, that's one thing.

But this is just blatant
Skinner box manipulation.

- Wait a minute, who put this out?
- Uh, Canada.

Oh, that son of a bitch.
He's always doing this shit.

I tell him temptation has to be nuanced,
but he goes and does

this crap again.
I'm gonna need to borrow your

soul real quick, kid. Is that all right?

Okay.

Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Oh, pass interference! Interference!

Stan? Where are you going?

I shall return.

- Do not attempt to stop me.
- Told ya.

Kid's got demons. I don't do that.

Horror and sadness all over Canada tonight.

When the prince signed the agreement

to make a freemium game, he apparently
made a deal with the Canadian devil.

Hey, guy! I'm the Canadian devil!

Canadian devil now has complete
control of the souls of

every Canadian. This is a sad day for Canada

and, therefore, the world.

Beelzaboot!

Once again, you lack any sense of nuance.

- Who the is that?
- Well, well.

My over-achieving doppelganger.
You're no match for Canadian Satan!

Return from whence you came!

Certainly a shocking turn of
events here as the actual devil

has now appeared and seems to
be fighting the Canadian devil.

This is certainly a conundrum
for Canadians everywhere as we

try to figure out who to root for.

For that, let's ask the
minister of sports in Edmonton.

Well, of course,
the patriotic thing to do would be

to root for the Canadian devil.
But then again, he is the one

who has promised us pain and
servitude for a million years.

Screw that! Go Canada!

Enough, Beelzaboot. Thy end has come!

- Hey, dude.
- Hey.

You all right?

Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm gonna be okay.

Cool.

My fellow Canadians,
what we do now as a country will

hopefully be a model for others.
We have all learned a tragic

lesson together that,
though many sins are out there, when

you get involved with freemium gaming,
you are making a deal

with the Canadian devil.
We will no longer make freemium

games, and we will no longer
make improvements to our country

with money taken from addicts.
Canada is back to being an

ethical, respected, shitty tundra.

I'm gonna move here and here,

and then I'm gonna
roll to kill this zombie.

- Okay, good idea.
- What are you gaywods doing?

We're playing board games so
that grandpa avoids the casino

- and I avoid freemium apps.
- Well, all right.

Good for you guys.
Tell you what, I'll join you.

Board games go good with a glass of wine.

That's not a glass, that's a trophy.

That you won, for drinking.

It's not drinking, it's called a Wine Zinfandel Sipping Sprint and it's competitive.

Get off your high fucking horse.

Your turn grandpa, if you roll the five
or six, you can kill these zombies.

You guys wanna put some money on it?

sync and corrections by dreaMaker7
www.addic7ed.com