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Another morning…

waiting for the run-down school bus to take me to the run-down school.

But I finally have the guts to do what I should have done a long time ago.

Nobody notices what I have in my front pocket.

A little surprise for them all.

I prepared for this, but still I wonder,

will I have the guts to go through with it?

You’re damn right I will.

– Are you OK, Cartman? – I’m good! How are you, Kyle?

They’re all gonna pay.

Every day, they’ve pushed me and pushed me,

and if it happens again today, it’s going to be the last time.

We’ll find out today at recess, won’t we?

We’ll find out today at recess.

– I’m not suspended no more! – Good for you.

– I think someone’s in there. – Goddammit, no!

– Who’s taking the shit? – Occupied!

I called dibs on stall one for all recess, Craig!

You can’t call dibs on a toilet.

Son of a bitch!

I cannot go another lunch break without my toilet time!

Then don’t eat 14 Eggo waffles for lunch, fatass!

That does it!

I’m sick of this shit, and I’m not taking it any longer!

You all pushed me to this!

– What do you think you’re doing? – I’m going to the potty.

This is the girls’ bathroom!

I need to tell you something.

I’m transginger.

Noticed the bow?

I’m exercising my right to identify with the gender of my choice.

Get out of my way. I have to take a shit.

Get out of here!

Don’t give me more issues than I already have.

This is nice in here.

The girls’ bathroom is a lot cleaner than the boys’.

– What the hell is that? – Cartman is using our bathroom!

I should have used the girls’ bathroom a long time ago!

I’m gonna tell on you!

I can take a shit here. I’m a dumb chick too.

What makes you think it’s OK to go inside the girls’ bathroom?

Because I’m transginger. That means I can use the girls’ shitter.

You are not transgender. You don’t even know what that means.

It means society sees me as a boy, but I’m really a girl.

If you identify yourself as a girl,

you must find yourself attracted to boys.

That’s actually not true.

It doesn’t have anything to do with the ginger I’m attracted to.

Check the state bylaws.

– Listen, Eric. – Erica.

Listen, Eric.

You must know why we can’t have you in the girls’ bathroom.

You can’t make me go to the bathroom with the cisgingers.

With the what?

Cisgender.

It’s the politically correct name for people who aren’t transgender.

If you identify with the sex you were born with, you’re cis.

But then cisgender is just normal.

Saying “normal” is extremely offensive to people who aren’t in that group.

Trust me. You don’t want this hot potato.

Just let him use the girls’ room.

This isn’t a hurting, confused child. This is Eric Cartman.

Nobody else is gonna know that. You better just give him what he wants.

So Eric Cartman just has us in some kind of bathroom checkmate?

Actually…

it’s more like a royal flush.

Gerald Broflovski?

Brandon Carlile, reporter, Spin magazine.

I was hoping you could help me make sense of something.

You had a very large party in your backyard last Sunday, was it?

My son and his friends threw a party for a kid with diabetes.

I also understand that Lorde was the entertainment at that party.

The kids were pretty excited.

It’s just a little curious, you know?

Why a hugely popular, top-20 artist would play such a…

well, no offense, but such a humble venue.

I don’t think I get your…

We deal with a lot of fake stories at Spin.

We’re just wondering how the boys got someone like Lorde to play.

She’s the niece of someone’s co-worker here in town or something.

You wouldn’t know who?

Does it really matter?

Lorde is an incredibly talented and down-to-earth young lady.

It would be a shame if someone was…

having fun at her expense.

– Whose are these? – I don’t know. Why?

Why? Because there’s fishnet stockings inside your jeans!

In my jeans?

– Do you have something to tell me? – Yeah, I do.

You’ve been in there for 20 minutes!

Recess is almost over!

There’s two more stalls in here. Go ahead.

– Not while you’re in here! – You guys are so cisgender.

Sorry I’m different, but you can suck my clit and my balls.

There are people actually struggling with their gender identity…

OK, you guys.

You know what?

That’s what!

Suck my clit and balls.

Erica, I believe we have a solution to this little problem.

I don’t have a problem. The cisgenders have the problem.

If it is agreeable to you, Erica,

we are going to clear out the janitor’s closet and remodel it…

into a private bathroom just for you!

Excuse me? Are you talking about…

my own special, executive bathroom?

Would that be agreeable to you?

– Oh, my God! – That isn’t fair!

– Wendy, just go with it. – Just go with it!

Cisginger bitch!

Of course, being forced into my isolated bathroom

will be traumatic for me.

I might have to approve certain aspects of this solitary location.

I’m thinking a water feature here,

get the sound of running water and zen it out.

– Why not on this side? – On that side?

You’ve already got AC over here,

and that leaves this open for some nice, big piece of art on this wall.

I like that. That’s gonna look nice.

Yeah, listen. I don’t know if I can keep doing this.

My wife is starting to suspect something.

I had to tell her I just like the way fishnets feel!

I know your wife means a lot to you, but you can’t leave us hanging.

You’ve got the purest shit out there, and it’s worth a lot to us.

You think you’ll get a good product when I can’t even think?

How many times have you said, “I’ve lost it,”

and everything turned out to be OK?

Every time?

Every time.

Come on. Get back to work and see.

If you get panicked again, call me.

Yeah, I will.

– You wanted to see me? – Sit down, Ron.

What do you know about one of our artists, Lorde?

17-year-old girl from New Zealand. Great songwriter, humble.

Wrong.

She’s a 45-year-old man living in Colorado.

He writes the songs, sends us the demos.

We futz them, sell him as a brooding 17-year-old girl way ahead of her time.

Nobody knows the difference.

Holy shit.

He makes good stuff. Stuff that sells.

But he’s getting itchy feet. I want you to keep an eye on him.

And if anyone around him gets close to finding out the truth…

you know what to do.

I am Lorde

I am…

I am Lorde

Thought you were at the grocery store.

I was. Can you help me unload the car?

“Help me unload the car.”

Help me unload the car

Unload…

Sorry. Coming.

– What is that? – Cartman’s new transgender bathroom.

He’s a girl now?

He’s not a woman. He’s not a man. He’s something you can’t understand.

But he would die for me.

It’s all ready?

Move aside, everybody. I gotta go.

This is gonna be so awesome.

Lock. Privacy.

This is gonna feel so good.

Perfect.

You’re gonna take it.

You’re all alone now, toilet. Nobody can hear you scream.

You’re gonna open wide. You’re gonna take your punishment!

That’s right! Get ready!

This is so awesome, you guys! It’s just like at home.

Peter Nelson?

Brandon Carlile, reporter, Spin magazine.

I understand you work at the US Geological Survey?

Yeah, that’s right.

I also understand that you’re the uncle

of the amazing and talented songwriter Lorde?

All right, look. I’m not her uncle.

I just work with her, OK?

Work with her? How?

I like Lorde. She’s really nice and really talented.

But she lives a double life.

– How’s that? – Lorde isn’t just a singer.

She’s also a very talented scientist specialized in fluvial geomorphology.

A what?

She showed up one day at the office,

started filling in for a guy who started working part-time.

She’s a good geologist.

Even after her music career took off, she still shows up

usually right after lunch.

Heard you’re transgender.

You know what Hillary says. You can suck my Clinton balls!

I’m not even gonna get it done. He gives us too much homework…

Hey, guys.

How’s it hanging?

– Wait, is that… – Holy Moly!

What the fuck, dude?

– Do you mind? This is occupied! – It’s cool. I’ll wait.

Dude, this is my fucking bathroom!

I want her suspended and charged for sexual harassment!

I spoke with Wendyl this morning, and she’s not comfortable…

“Wendyl”? Fucking “Wendyl”?

Grow up!

You’ll just have to share. Why can’t you understand that?

Because I don’t want a chick watching me go poo!

Aren’t you a chick?

I identify as a chick, but I’m still a boy!

I can’t share a bathroom with a girl that identifies herself as a dude!

That is my waterfall, and those are my Christmas lights!

You need to put a tighter leash on your dog!

Do you know your girlfriend’s telling everyone that you’re gay?

She’s got the whole school believing she’s attracted to girls!

So what does that make you? A girl!

Stan’s a girl!

You better curb your dog before people start ripping on you!

That’s enough time on your phone.

Leave me alone! Stop nagging me all the time!

You know we’re all cutting down on phone time.

Don’t limit me! You don’t even understand me!

I don’t understand you at all.

Lot you know.

Hey, Dad. I need to talk to you.

Really? About what?

Is it possible to be one way on the outside

but totally different on the inside?

Can someone identify as one sex but be something else

but still have it be nothing about sex?

I am Lorde.

It started off so simple.

There’s a guy at work, Hansen.

He would use the bathroom and just blow the thing up, you know?

Not only that, but he was in there all the time!

I finally got fed up.

I pretended to be a woman. I called myself Lorde.

Have you ever been in a women’s bathroom?

It’s all clean, and there’s enough stalls for everyone.

It was so freeing.

I started singing while I was in there, and I started writing things down.

But you said you knew a guy at work who is Lorde’s uncle.

That’s my cover.

The chick that wrote the theme song to the new Hunger Games movie is you?

The record company messed it all up. It was supposed to go…

Hunger Games, ya ya ya Ya ya ya, Hunger Games

But they just do what they want with my songs.

Wait, Lorde sounds like a girl.

Auto-Tune. You want to see how I do it?

I come up with all my best stuff in the bathroom at work.

I use this program to import the recordings I make on my phone.

Feeling good on a Wednesday

Sparkling thoughts

Give me the hope to go on

What I need now is a little bit of shelter

Lorde’s music is actually really good.

But it gets even better when I add the drum loops.

Then with the computer, I can actually quantize everything.

Some backup instruments.

And finally, I use the Auto-Tune.

Sparkling thoughts Feeling good on a Wednesday

Giving me the hope

To go on

What I need is a little bit of shelter

Everything OK, Stan?

I don’t know where I belong.

Just hold it. That’s what I do now.

What the fuck? God fucking dammit!

Why don’t we just have everyone use the transginger bathroom?

Stanley, do you have a reason for not using the boys’ bathroom?

I just…

Two people close to me are having gender identity issues and I’m confused.

He’s cisginger!

He’s so cis he wears a jockstrap to bed at night!

You wanted to see me?

Please have a seat.

– Hi, Carol. – Lorde.

We’re all big fans of your music,

and we admire you for staying and working here

even after your music career took off.

My music and fluvial geomorphology are intertwined.

Amazing, yeah.

For some time now,

the females at this office have been pressuring me to…

find your own space to go to the bathroom.

Everyone loves you,

but we thought it would be great if you had your very own…

executive bathroom.

I like the women’s bathroom. I feel safe there.

Being able to use that bathroom is critical to my identity, to my music!

My girls are big fans of your music,

but the women here aren’t comfortable sharing a bathroom with…

With what?

With what?

You are watching E! Entertainment News.

That’s how low you’ve sunk.

It’s been several days, and still there’s no sign of Lorde.

She went dark on Twitter after claiming severe depression and stating,

“I realize now that I make people uncomfortable.

“I need to give this up and go back to just being the old me.”

Spin magazine is claiming they know the reason for the sudden exit

and will be releasing a tell-all article about the troubled artist next week.

Here he comes, everyone! It’s the cisginger.

Think you can harass transgingers and use their bathroom?

What’s the big idea harassing Erica?

At this school, it doesn’t matter if you’re trans or you’re cis!

– Yeah! – Sure!

What we have a problem with are cisgingers who are intolerant!

We call them cissies!

Stan’s a big ol’ fat cissy!

Come on! Lay off him, guys.

– Are you a cissy too? – No, just he is.

You just gonna drink beer alone all day?

It’s OK. It’s gluten-free.

All right.

Do you know why young people like Lorde so much?

It’s because she’s something different.

Kids have had pop music artists flash tits and crotch in their face

and most kids are smart enough to be sick of it.

Lorde represents something in all of us:

a truth that wants to be heard.

If I could talk to Lorde right now, you know what I’d tell her?

I’d tell her not to let people change who she is.

I’d tell her that if people are making fun of her,

it’s because they’ve lost touch with being human.

I’d tell her to keep on doing what she does.

Because when someone’s not allowed to express who they are inside,

then we all lose.

That’s what I would say to Lorde.

Feeling good on a Wednesday

The image of me that you see

Is distorted, twisted, broken, fractured

Isolated Miles out to sea

I don’t want a separate place

I need to feel safe

Not thrown away

And I will push

To tear down the walls

Of this box you put me in

Because you don’t understand

And so you push

To find a label that fits me

I’m feeling good on a Wednesday

With sparkling thoughts

Help me unload the car

And so I push

To close the door

Of the stall you’ve made for me

To keep me away

And now we push

To stand together

Because I am Lorde

I am Lorde

I am Lorde

I am Lorde

And so it is with great pride

that I can announce the student body has elected to get rid

of the transgender bathroom,

and give any fellow student the right

to use the bathroom they feel most comfortable in.

I don’t want to use the girls’ bathroom if anyone can use it!

Anyone who has a problem

sharing a bathroom with people who might be transgender

will have to use the special designated bathroom

designed to keep them away from the normal people who don’t care.

– Where are you going? – To the bathroom.

No, you don’t! You gotta use the cissy bathroom!

Go on, cissy!

This is pretty nice.

Feeling good

On a Monday

Got my space, all the freedom I need

By myself