Original subtitles

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Yeah, yeah, do we rock? Yeah, yeah, take it to the top!

Yeah, yeah, are we gonna stop? No way! No way!

Cheer squad roll call!

– Heidi! – Nicole!

– Bebe! – Lola!

– Red! – Annie!

Lisa Burger.

– Oh, God. – Here we go.

Could we maybe try one without Lisa Berger?

You guys, stop it!

OK, Lisa, that’s great, but you need to have more confidence.

– But I’m the fat one. – What?

Every cheerleading squad has the fat ugly cheerleader, and that’s me.

See, that’s the problem, Lisa. You have a bad self-image.

Just project all your sassiness to all the boys out there.

There’s only one boy that Lisa cares about.

– Lisa has a crush on Butters. – Shut up!

But Lisa, that’s great! Have you told Butters you like him?

No way. I’d just get made fun of.

This is exactly what you need. Take Butters to see a movie.

It’ll do wonders for your confidence.

Then the fella with the mustache eats all the cupcakes,

and the lady takes out a gun and puts it in his face and says…

Excuse me, Butters.

I was just wondering

if maybe you’d like to go to a movie this weekend.

Like a date? No, thanks, Lisa.

I really appreciate the offer, but you’re too fat for me.

OK. Thanks.

See you, Lisa!

Butters got asked out by a fat girl.

At least, she didn’t try to sit on him.

You guys, come on. That’s not cool.

You shouldn’t rip on her because she’s fat.

You should rip on her because she’s ugly.

She looks like someone hit her in the face with a hot shovel.

– What the fuck is your problem? – Hey, Wendy.

Are you just an asshole? Is that it?

Am I just an asshole?

I’ve got arms and legs. I’ve got everything.

Lisa Burger asked you out and you called her fat?

Do you have any idea how you made her feel?

She’s really nice!

I think she’s nice too. She’s just too big for me.

She’s a little overweight,

but that’s normal for a girl in the fourth grade!

Kim Kardashian is skinny, and she just had a baby!

I have a different standard when it comes to my women.

I want a woman who takes care of herself and knows how to look good,

who’s got perfect skin, and no splotches on her legs,

and perfect everything.

This is a fantasy, you moron! You ever heard of Photoshop?

Kim Kardashian is short and overweight, she manipulates her image,

and makes average girls feel horrible about themselves.

– You’re a liar! – Look it up, stupid!

In real life, Kim Kardashian has the body of a hobbit.

You’re gonna be in real trouble

when the teachers find out what you said to that poor girl.

Take a seat, Wendy.

Some mean things were said, and I need to get to the bottom of it.

Lisa Burger told on you? Good!

Apparently, you called Butters’ girlfriend a hobbit.

Are you serious?

You did! You said Kim is short, fat, hairy with big feet, and she’s a hobbit!

That’s not his girlfriend. It’s Kim Kardashian!

But Kim Kardashian is considered to be extremely beautiful.

Right. But she’s not in real life. She’s a hobbit.

She said it again!

Now, Kim might be full-figured,

but a woman’s outward appearance isn’t all that matters.

Have you stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe,

you’re jel?

I’m not jel.

I happen to be the biggest feminist at this school.

That may be true, but there’s a very fine line,

between being a feminist and being a hater.

And you’re gonna have to find that line, because nobody likes a girl who’s jelly.

OK, kids, there’s been some hurtful and hateful things

being said around this school.

And so, we’re gonna hear from a guest speaker.

Here to explain why Kim Kardashian is not a hobbit,

please welcome Aquaman.

That’s right.

First of all, I’m not Aquaman. I’m a recovering gay fish.

Yes, I have met Aquaman. I have hung out with Aquaman.

But the only thing I have in common with Aquaman anymore

is my love for the sea.

Now,

there have been malicious rumors started at this elementary school

that my beautiful fiancée is a hobbit.

That is not funny, and it is not true, all right?

Yes, Kim is heavier than most of her pictures show her to be.

Yes, she gets her hair lasered off her body.

Yes, she has a friend named Gandalf who happens to be a wizard.

I’m sorry. Excuse me a minute.

Bitch, how you not the hobbit again?

Right. OK.

Let me… OK. I got it.

Love you too.

If my fiancée Kim is a hobbit,

then how come…

If she’s a hobbit,

then how come she don’t live in a hole in the ground?

Y’all just got lit up, cup!

She don’t live in no hole in no ground. She lives in a big-ass mansion with me.

In her room that is slightly below ground.

So, you can…

She is sexy and womanly, and she smokes a pipe.

She can blow them rings that go up over her head, and…

Hold up.

Bitch, you not a hobbit, right?

You smoke that long pipe sometimes when you sit by the fire.

Got it. What do you call it?

Got it. Love you too.

That is not a hobbit pipe, for your information.

It is a personal oral humidifier,

to keep the wrinkles around her mouth from showing.

So, ha, ha! All you haters, ha!

– Come here for a sec. – Oh, no, you don’t!

You’re not trapping me inside the computer lab to beat me up.

Would you let me show you something so we can put this behind us?

All right, but if you try to punch me, I’ll scream.

I want you to see just how easy this is, so we can better understand each other.

This is Lisa Burger’s class photo, right?

First thing we do is photoshop the bulges on the sides,

we make the eyes a nicer shape, take off any blemishes on her skin,

lengthen the neck, add more to the hair, make the lips fuller,

take out any puffiness on her skin, add fullness to the breast,

length to the torso, take away that fold of skin,

streamline the shoulders, put highlights in the eyes,

and… there.

– That’s Lisa Burger? – Do you see what I’m talking about?

– She’s pretty! – That’s how people like Kim Kardashian

destroy the self-image of little girls everywhere!

Hold up, are you saying that girl wants to go out with me?

– What do you mean? – And I said no?

I gotta upload this, and then go buy her some flowers,

and then go tell her I love her!

Anybody seen Lisa Burger?

Have you seen Lisa Burger?

I saw that picture of her on the Internet.

I’m gonna tell her I love her,

and we’re gonna be together and be happy forever.

I don’t know how to tell you this, but…

Lisa Burger’s going out with Clyde.

What? Since when?

Since like noon or 12:30 today.

Check out my girlfriend.

– She’s hot. – We just started dating seriously.

You wanna meet my new girlfriend?

– You’re a lucky guy! – I know.

Nice score, dude.

Thanks, guys.

Did you see Clyde’s going out with Lisa Burger?

She looks amazing. Clyde sent me her pics.

– She got really hot all of a sudden. – I wouldn’t mind tapping that ass.

Excuse me.

– Clyde sent me these. Don’t be jel. – Why would I be jel?

You gotta admit. Lisa Burger’s pretty hot.

She’s not hot. That’s supposed to be the point!

She looks pretty hot here.

Lisa Burger is not hot! She’s fat and ugly.

– That’s not very nice. – What’s your problem?

– It’s nothing personal, Lisa. – You’re just a hater.

Mind your own business instead of being jelly.

I am not jelly! I made that picture to prove a point!

– And it’s being taken the wrong way! – It’s OK, babe.

Girls like that will always put you down.

Thanks, babe.

Now, Wendy, I’ve tried to be patient with you,

because you’ve always been a good student.

But calling a little girl fat and ugly is never m’kay.

I was trying to show kids that…

No excuses. You have a problem being jelly.

Just maybe I should have you sent off to Jelly School.

Jelly School?

I’m gonna call the Jelly School right now!

I’m sorry about this, but it’s gone too far.

Hello, is this the Jelly School?

I have a girl here who’s extremely jelly.

Can you take her in for a few weeks?

You’re full?

She dodged the bullet this time, but she better watch her behavior.

I appreciate the point you’re trying to make.

You do?

I’m not actually on the phone with the Jelly School.

I’m a few steps ahead of that.

I’m just trying to…

Bye, Jelly School.

I’m just trying to make you understand

how serious it is when you lash out at other girls.

Thank you, Mr. Mackey. I will change.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is my honor to give the Person of the Year award

to this year’s winner,

Pope Francis.

All of my children…

Hold up! I’m sorry, Pope, but hold up.

I just gotta say this.

If my fiancée is a hobbit, then…

Then what, bitch?

If she was… if she is a hobbit,

then how come she don’t turn blue when goblins are near?

You didn’t think of that! I guess she’s not a hobbit, then!

She must be a beautiful sexy woman!

The hobbit doesn’t turn blue around goblins,

just his sword does.

Man, get the fuck out of here, you hobbit trivia bitch!

Who the fuck asked you?

Nobody is talking any more shit about my woman, all right?

She is gorgeous.

If she was here, you could all see for yourself how beautiful she is,

but she has a movie coming out on Friday,

directed by Peter Jackson, called The Hobbit.

Hold up.

Bitch, that movie you got coming out is called The Hobbit?

Yeah, but… It’s what?

I got it. Let me tell them.

Love you too.

Kim is not even in that movie.

That movie is just loosely based on her television show,

Keeping Up with the Kardashians,

a show about short loud little people living in a fantasy world.

Hold up.

If you’re the hobbit, let me know right now,

’cause I’m making a fool of myself out here.

Yeah, yeah, do we rock? Yeah, yeah, take it to the top!

Yeah, yeah, are we gonna stop? No way! No way!

Cheer squad roll call!

– Heidi! – Nicole!

– Bebe! – Lola!

– Red! – Annie!

Lisa Burger!

And I’m your captain, Wendy!

We’re all very happy for Lisa. Nobody here is jelly.

But the boys don’t even notice the rest of us anymore.

All we’re asking is you do for us what you did for Lisa.

– I won’t do it, you guys. I’m sorry. – Don’t you care about us?

Because it’s wrong.

If you aren’t happy with your looks, that’s your problem.

Hey, girls.

Don’t be sad.

If you wanna look really hot, like me, you just gotta be willing to sweat.

Get down to the gym and work!

All right, girls, we’re gonna trim that fat and tone those bodies.

Let’s do this. You first.

Get right up there.

All right, look here.

Come on, burn it off! You got this!

Wanna look pretty?

You want a boyfriend?

You want a nice ass?

You better work out, slut!

You want nice things?

You want boys to give you nice things?

You better work out, slut!

Look at those thighs. You gotta push harder!

Now get to work, slut!

Party in the cookie trough!

You better work out, whore!

– She looks great. – Look at Bebe.

– I had no idea Bebe was that hot. – But did you see Token’s girlfriend?

– My bitch is still the hottest. – No way. Go back to Annie Nelson.

She’s built like a Slim Jim.

Annie Nelson is the hottest girl. Look at those eyes!

Did you not see Erica Smith’s boobs? They’re like perfect water balloons.

I do love water balloons.

Can I ask you a big favor?

A lot of the pictures I have of you are kinda outdated, and…

I wanna show everyone how pretty you are.

You want a photoshopped picture of me to take away any imperfections?

How dare you?

Why is it such a big deal?

People should be OK with the way they look!

I have pimples on my forehead. My bottom teeth are crooked. So what?

– You have short legs! – I do?

And Jason has freckles, and Billy Turner has narrow shoulders.

The cheerleaders?

Bebe has acne. Lola’s arms are too short.

Nicole’s eyes are puffy. Annie has thin hair.

And Heidi Turner’s butt is flat!

– Goddammit. – You… hater!

In my office, right now!

One thing I know, my girl ain’t no hobbit

She might be stumpy, that don’t mean she a hobbit

She’s not a hobbit, ’cause she couldn’t be

She’s got no Bagginses in her family tree

Yes, on occasion, she hangs out with her dwarf friends

But she never went on no quest with her dwarf friends

Except for one time, she went to kill that dragon

She took his skull and she…

Hang on. I’m sorry.

Bitch, remember when you went off to kill that dragon with them dwarves?

Right. I got it.

Love you too.

It wasn’t no dragon, so my girl ain’t no hobbit

That was a Quiznos, and my bitch went to rob it

’Cause they got that ham that she rubs on her cellulite

While she drinkin’ her grog and singin’ those merry songs

At night

My girl ain’t no hobbit

Please God tell me I’m not engaged to no hobbit

Who are you yelling for? South Park!

Let’s go, cows!

Who are you yelling for? South Park!

Let’s go, cows!

Heidi! Nicole! Bebe! Lola!

Red! Annie!

Lisa Burger!

Wendy.

– She sucks! – Oh, God!

– Can we try this without Wendy? – I agree.

Come on, you guys! She just needs more confidence.

It’s OK, Wendy.

Who cares if no one likes you. Maybe you should go out with Butters.

Let’s just get back to cheering.

I don’t think so. We don’t wanna cheer with a hater!

You have a bad self-image.

You need to get down to the gym and get a better one.

That’s right!

See, the problem with having fake pictures of yourself,

is that you start to believe in your own bullshit!

This has gone way too far.

And if society won’t fix it, I will!

What will you do?

Something that should have been done a long time ago.

It’s the morning News with Tom and Tammy Thompson.

A little girl is making big waves

with her fight against Photoshop.

Nine-year-old Wendy Testaburger has started a campaign,

and will speak before the State Senate to ban the use of photoshopped images,

saying they’re harmful to young girls.

Young lady, what is your message?

Watching what Photoshop is doing to society,

little girls are aspiring to have bodies they can’t possibly have!

We have to put a stop to it.

And you’re not just being a hater?

Sometimes, girls who aren’t well-liked lash out at pretty and popular girls.

Are you well-liked at your school?

Not lately.

But you’re not being jelly?

That has nothing to do with me protesting against photoshopped images.

Because I do understand that the Jelly School in Aurora

is ready to take you in. Is that right, Rick?

Tom, I’m standing in front of the Jelly School

where officials claim they do have room for this little hater girl.

We’re being told if she doesn’t stop…

That’s not a Jelly School. That’s a Dunkin’ Donuts.

But you are a hater.

That’s fine!

People can call me whatever names they want to.

There’s a cancer in our country, and I’m not going to rest

until photoshopped images are required to be labeled for what they are: fake.

And nothing in his world is going to stop me.

What do you want?

“Once upon a time,

“there was a little hobbit who lived in the forest.

“And all the hobbit ever wanted was to be beautiful.

“And even though she was short and fat and hairy,

“this hobbit dreamed that one day, she could be pretty like Beyoncé.

“And then one day, along came a magic powder called Photoshop.

“And just like that, poof! The little hobbit was beautiful.

“And even though she still couldn’t sing like Beyoncé, or dance like Beyoncé,

“or act like Beyoncé, or be a decent human being like Beyoncé,

“the little hobbit was looked up to and loved…

“just like Beyoncé!

“Soon, she had money and adoration,

“and a hip-hop fiancé who loved her very much.”

I’m sorry. Hold up.

Hold up. I’m sorry.

“Everything was good for the hobbit,

“but then this mean little girl called the jelly monster,

“she was so jelly of the hobbit that she told everyone she was a liar.

“And the hobbit’s fiancé realized she was just a hobbit.

“And you know what he said?

“He said, I don’t care!

“Then the jelly monster tried to take the powder away from the little hobbit.

“So the hobbit prayed to God.

“And God said, don’t worry, little hobbit.

“I will go find this jelly monster girl,

“and I will read her a story and melt her icy heart.

“And the hobbit said, thank you.

“And the hobbit and God lived happily ever after,

”’cause I love her so much.”

I’m sorry. Hold up…

I’m sorry.

– I’m sorry that I’ve been jelly. – It’s OK.

I’ve been a hater, and I really am sorry.

That’s OK. I’ve been jelly before too.