All language subtitles for Mike & Nick & Nick & Alice (2026)

[♪ pop rock music playing,
Billy Joel "Why Should I Worry?"]

[howls]

Come on, Billy!

♪ One minute I'm in Central Park ♪

Then where are you? Then where are you?

♪ Then I'm down on Delancey Street ♪

♪ From the Bowery to Saint Mark's ♪

♪ There's a syncopated beat ♪

♪ And all the silly motherfuckers
Be singing ♪

♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo ♪

What am I? What am I?

♪ I'm streetwise ♪

♪ I can improvise ♪

♪ And everybody say ♪

♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo ♪

♪ I'm street smart ♪

♪ I've got New York City heart ♪

♪ Why should I worry? ♪

♪ Why should I care? ♪

♪ I may not have a dime ♪

♪ But what do I got?
I got street savoir faire ♪

♪ Why should I worry? ♪

♪ Why should I care? ♪

♪ And I got street savoir faire ♪

♪ The rhythm of the city ♪

♪ But once you get it down ♪

♪ You can own this town ♪

♪ You can wear the crown ♪

Of course! Oh, my God!

♪ Why should I care? ♪

♪ I said, I may not have a dime ♪

♪ But I got street savoir faire ♪

♪ Why should I worry? ♪

♪ Why should I care? ♪

♪ It's just doo-bopulation ♪

♪ And I got street savoir faire ♪

♪ They love me at the Chelsea
They adore me at the Ritz ♪

[whirring]

What the fuck?

-[clattering]
-[panting]

Stop, stop, stop, hold on!
Hold on, hold on.

How do you even fuckin'--

-[gasps]
-[hissing]

[heavy breathing]

[♪ pop rock music continues playing
over stereo]

[♪ dramatic synth music playing]

[gasping]

[♪ upbeat hip-hop music playing,
Vanilla Ice "Cool as Ice"]

♪ Got to get loose ♪

♪ Everybody get loose ♪

[all cheering]

♪ That feelin' ♪

-♪ Gotta keep the music jumpin' ♪
-♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Everybody get loose ♪

[people chanting] Go, go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Get loose!

Biatch!

[cheering and applause]

[Sosa] All right.

Now, I want all you killers, soldiers,
and gangsters to listen up.

[man] Shut the fuck up.

I may be the boss,

but I consider my number one job

is the job of being a father.

And my beautiful son
is finally out of prison!

-[laughs]
-[cheers]

This is the night to celebrate!

-Hip, hip...
-[all] Hooray.

-Hip, hip... [laughs]
-[all] Hooray!

Now, I want you all to know

that one of you is the reason
he went to prison in the first place.

One of you is a fuckin' rat.

[man] Oh, shit.

And while you enjoy the night,

and you think that everything
is in the clear, well...

Your time will come.

That I promise you.

Your time will fuckin' come.

[man] Fuck yeah, it will.

But in the meantime... [chuckles]

...enjoy the festivities!

-[laughs]
-[cheering]

Motherfucker.

[♪ early '90s pop music playing,
Seal "Crazy"]

[indistinct chatter]

♪ Miracles will happen as we trip ♪

♪ But we're never gonna survive, unless ♪

♪ We get a little crazy ♪

[imperceptible]

♪ Unless we are a little ♪

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Crazy yellow people
walking through my head ♪

♪ One of them's got a gun,
to shoot the other one ♪

I'm excited, but I'm a little jealous.
Hello. Ciao, I'll catch you later.

-All right, we'll see you in a bit.
-Bye.

Hey, good to see you. Yeah, you too.

Hi.

Are you going to the after-party?

Oh, we know about the after-party,
the after-after-party,

and the after-after-after-party.

-Mmm...
-Just because the wives are not invited

doesn't mean you can keep
a secret from us.

Well, I'm not going to that.

Well, you can if you want to.

Oh. That's so nice. Can I?

Well, I guess I'll go out
with the girls then.

Okay. Well, have fun.

[sighs]

Is it that hard
to still pretend you like me?

[beeps, clicks]

[cellphone vibrates]

Hey, listen, I don't wanna
overstate the obvious,

but I'm pretty fuckin' excited to see you.

I can't wait to see you too.

Okay. It's room 801.
I left you a key at the front desk.

-You need it for the elevator.
-[Alice] Did you get champagne?

Did I get champagne?
Yeah, I got you some...

uh, moderately expensive champagne

-and, I don't know, maybe some flowers.
-Mmm, spoiler.

I didn't tell you
what kind of flowers, did I?

So there's still a little element
of surprise.

You got me sunflowers.

Fuckin' hell. How did you guess that?

[chuckles]

Well, you can be very specific.

[scoffs]

-Evidently.
-[knocking on door]

-[Alice] Did you get room service?
-No. Hell no.

Hotel food is always terrible. Hang on.

[Nick] Mike, I know you're there. Open up.

Holy shit!

-Fuck!
-What's wrong, babe?

[Nick] Open the door, Mike.

-I know you're in there.
-Fuck!

[gasps]

Oh, shit. Is that... Is that Nick?

Yeah. Yeah, he's here.

Mike, whatever you do,
do not open the door.

-[Nick] Come on, Mike.
-Fuck!

[Nick] Don't make me stand out here
like an asshole.

Do not open the fucking door.
He's gonna kill you.

You gotta get out of sight, all right.
I'm gonna call you when I can.

-If I can.
-Mike. Mike, Mike, Mike.

Oh, fuck.

[exhales heavily]

Hey, bud. What's up?

-Hey.
-Hey.

Can you talk?

You wanna talk? Yeah. About what?

There's that nice coffee shop next door.

I haven't eaten anything
since this morning,

so I thought,
I'd just grab a bite real quick.

Yeah, man. Yeah, of course.
Well, didn't you...

-Didn't you eat at the party, though?
-Yeah.

Yeah, I did, but I still got an appetite.

You coming?

Yeah, man. Yeah.
Yeah, of course. Sure, sure.

You could've just ordered iced coffee.

-Well, I like it room temperature.
-You're very specific.

Yeah. So I've been told.

Do me a favor?

I could use Quick Draw Mike tonight.

[sighs]

-Collections?
-Yeah.

And some other stuff.

It might get a little
heavy and weird tonight,

but good news is, we should be done
before the sun comes up.

Mmm...

And what about Jimmy Boy's after-party?

Ah. No, this is...

This is more important than that,

and it's also a little bit
time-sensitive so...

I mean, I don't...
I don't have a piece on me.

I've got plenty of 'em.

Listen, Nick. There's something I gotta
talk to you about, man-to-man, okay?

And you're not gonna like it.

I've been trying to bring it up
the last couple of weeks,

but it hasn't felt like the right time.
And I just wanna clear the air.

-Mmm-hmm...
-Uh...

You're leaving the organization?

Hold on, how the fuck do you know that?

I know things.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm done with it. I'm done
with the violence, done with the guns.

I can't do the Quick Draw Mike
thing anymore, you know.

All right. Can you do me a favor?
Just stop right there. Stop. Okay?

It is exactly 10:05,
and I'm on a very tight schedule.

So, just do me a favor,
for a soon-to-be former colleague here,

and then start your normal life tomorrow.

All right?

We gotta scram.

I'm parked in the back. Let's move.

[sighs]

Why didn't you, uh, park at a meter?

[Nick] I'm cheap, you know that.

How'd you know I was at the hotel, Nick?

Ah, just do it.

-Do what?
-Come on, man.

Just do it. Get it over with.

Listen, I'm not gonna spend
my final moments on this planet

having an anxiety attack
waiting for you to pull the trigger.

-You're gonna kill me, kill me. Come on.
-Jesus, Mike.

Why are you so damn paranoid?

You're not gonna kill me?

-You said you needed a piece, right?
-Right.

-Here's your piece.
-No, no, no.

No. I'm done with that.
No guns, no killing.

But if you want me to rough
somebody up, I could do that.

Maybe that'll be enough.
Let's see how the night goes.

That's my car right behind you.

Remember how I said I had a tight
schedule? I'm not kidding. Come on.

Fuck.

[inhales, exhales heavily]

[beeps, clicks]

[man 1, over TV] The cost of living.

[man 2] Transformation...

[ ♪ Carole King "Where You Lead" playing]

[Mike] Why are we at your house, Nick?

Open the glove compartment.

Uh...

What's this?

-That's chloroform.
-Chlo what?

-You don't know what chloroform is?
-Should I know what chloroform is?

-Have you ever seen a movie?
-Yeah, I've seen many movies.

And have you ever seen a movie
with chloroform in it?

-I don't know.
-[Nick] Okay, what's your favorite genre?

-What's your go-to genre?
-Horror.

Okay. Have you... Have you
seen 'em use chloroform in a movie?

-A musical?
-Okay, just listen to me.

You're gonna ring the doorbell.
Somebody's gonna answer the door.

Before they can get out a single word,
you take that rag

that's soaked in that shit,
and you cover their nose and their mouth.

Oh, that's chloro-- That's chloroform?

You could've just said the wet rag thing.
Made it easier.

-I don't know the technical term for it.
-Okay, fine. Great.

Do what you call "the wet rag thing."
Okay? Listen to me.

Cover their nose and mouth,
make sure they inhale.

I'm gonna drive
around the block a few times,

-and then whistle when you're done.
-Whistle when I'm done?

-Yeah.
-How long does this take?

The wet rag thing
will take about ten seconds.

-Then why aren't you doing it?
-If the person in the house

looks out the peephole and sees me,
they're gonna freak out a little bit.

Don't overthink it.
Just... Just... Just...

Wet rag thing.

No matter what you see-- Look at me.

No matter what you see,
wet rag thing. Say it to me.

No matter what I see, wet rag thing.

You're ready. Let's do it.

-It doesn't feel great.
-It feels good when you do it.

-God damn it, Nick.
-Do me a favor.

-Don't sniff that rag.
-Why the fuck would I do that?

I don't know.
You do things that no one knows.

This is so fuckin' stupid.

So fuckin' stupid.

God damn it!

Dumb... Dumb idiot.

[doorbell rings]

[breathes heavily]

Oh!

[door opens]

Hey, Mike.

[grunts]

[Mike] This is confusing.

[Nick groans] Chloroform?

[groans]

[muffled] What the fuck, Mike?

Eight, nine, ten.

[muffled speaking indistinctly
and grunting]

You said it'd be ten seconds.

[both grunting]

[panting]

[panting]

"Expired." What the fuck?

[glass shatters]

-[Mike grunts]
-[Nick groans]

[gunshot]

[grunting]

[Nick exclaims]

[groans]

[both yelling and grunting]

[Mike spits] Fuck!

[both grunting]

-[Mike groans in pain]
-[Nick continues grunting]

[Mike groans in pain]

[Nick grunts and groans]

What the fuck are you doing, Mike?

This was your idea!

[both grunting]

[Nick groans]

[grunting]

-[exclaims]
-[groans]

[thuds]

-[panting]
-[trophy thuds]

The fuck?

[wheezes]

[whistles]

[panting]

You take care of it?

-Nick?
-[Nick] Yeah?

What the fuck?

I said it was gonna get heavy and weird.

-You got a twin brother?
-Only child.

-Who the fuck's that in there?
-That's me.

-[Mike] It's you?
-Yes.

-It's Nick?
-That's me.

-Who the fuck are you?
-I'm also Nick.

So where am I?

-[Mike] What?
-The other me.

-You're in there.
-Okay.

[door closes]

You were right there.

What the fuck happened in here?
I told you to use the chloroform.

I did use the chloroform. It was expired.

Chloroform doesn't expire.

Not according to the date
on the fucking bottle.

Ah, Jesus Christ,
this isn't part of the plan.

We gotta get this place cleaned up,

'cause Sosa's gonna be here
in three minutes.

-Sosa?
-Yeah.

He's not gonna be happy to see you.
Let's go.

I'm losing my goddamn mind.

[whirring]

All right.

Right here. Here, here, here.

-Right here--
-[knocking on door]

-Fuck.
-Okay, you gotta hide. Quick!

-Don't make a sound. Go, go, go!
-Okay.

-[Nick] Hey!
-Hey.

-Thanks for meeting me like this.
-Yeah, of course. Come on in.

Damn.

You redecorate?

Ah, yeah, just, you know,
changin' it up a little bit.

-You want somethin' to drink?
-Uh, you mind if I use your bathroom?

Uh, um...

-Yeah.
-Do you want me to piss on the floor?

No, not at all. Actually, you know what?
There's one right down the hall

-to the right.
-Fuck.

You guys like a Capri-Sun?

[Sosa groans]

[toilet seat clatters]

-[exhales]
-[Sosa sighs]

-[urine trickling]
-You find everything all right?

-[Sosa] Oh, yeah.
-Okay.

[exhales]

You know how I've been suspecting
that we got a rat in our midst?

[Nick] Mmm-hmm...

[Sosa] Well, I got a name.

I talked to our guy in the department.

The guy with the leg?

-Yeah. You know who it is?
-[Sosa] Indeed, I do.

I know everything he shared
with those pig cocksuckers.

[toilet flushing]

I'll handle it.

No need. I hired a contract killer.

Who?

The Barron. [chuckles]

He flew in just for this.

Landed a few hours ago.

[♪ menacing music playing]

But there's a reason
why I'm telling you this in person.

[Nick] Right.

[Sosa] That's because of who the rat is.

It's someone you have a history with.

You guys might not be
as close as you used to be,

but that won't stop the news
from hitting like a fuckton of bricks.

The rat is Mike.

[gasps]

No. I mean, someone gave you
some bad information.

That's not possible.

Oh, it's more than possible.
It's the truth.

Jimmy Boy's on his way
to his after-party right now,

and The Barron's got explicit instructions

to make sure that this is done
by the after-after-after-party.

Do you have any idea
where Mike is right now?

He's at the Zenith Hotel.

Fuck!

[indistinct chatter over TV]

[indistinct chatter over TV continues]

Fuck. Fuck.

You can take a beat to process this.

But Mike will be street pizza by morning.

[Nick] Sosa's gone, Mike.

Come on, unlock the door.

I'm not the rat, Nick.

[Nick] Yeah, I know.

You know?

Yeah. Somebody framed you.

How do you know that?

Because this isn't the first time
I lived through tonight.

What?

How many times
have you lived through tonight?

This is the second.

Okay, so you're from the future,
is that it?

-Exactly.
-Don't fuck with me, Nick.

Listen, here's the thing. The first time
that we went through tonight,

unfortunately, you died.

-I died?
-Yeah, but that's why I'm back.

I wanna try to right some wrongs here.
So the plan tonight is very simple.

We just gotta keep you alive.

Now, in order to do that,
I'm gonna need your help.

But currently, there is a person
out there, right now,

that could fuck this whole thing up.
And that person is me.

-You sound insane.
-[Nick] No, I understand.

Eventually I'll be able
to explain everything to you.

But the important thing right now
is that we go locate Nick. Okay?

Present Nick. Future Nick.

Let's go.

Yeah. I'm not sure that there's a way
that you can explain everything.

Didn't you park right there?

[Nick] Uh-huh...

[Mike] Oh, shit.

I think you stole it.

[crowd cheering]

[man] I'm so fucked up!

Dumbass Tony, you stupid fuck!

Jimmy Boy, you son of a bitch!

-Yeah.
-[Jimmy Boy] Hey.

-You seen Jackie Napalm anywhere?
-Ah, shit. You haven't heard?

He got blown away
by some Canadians last month.

-Shut the fuck up.
-They're very violent people.

-I've never heard that before.
-Yeah.

-Damn! Jackie Napalm?
-[Dumbass Tony] Yeah.

RIP to a real one, man.

[snorting]

-Whoa! Damn.
-How's your dick?

My what?

You know how they say that 22 to 29
are the best years of your life, right?

You can stay up all night
partying till the sun comes up.

But the best part about being that age,
my dude, your dick still works.

Are you saying yours doesn't?

Well, it starts out hard.
I don't wanna get into the details, but--

Is this going somewhere?

The thing is, getting pinched, doing time,
my bro, that is not the tragedy.

That's fine.
It's when you got pinched. Yeah.

They robbed you
of your best dick years, my dude.

Why the fuck would I wanna hear
this depressing shit right now?

-Just making conversation.
-Let me tell you somethin', Dumbass Tony.

Yeah?

You're a fucking dumbass.

[chuckles] Thanks, man.

[Sosa] Hey, Jimmy Boy!

[laughs]

-[man] Oh, Sosa's here!
-Dad!

-[Sosa] Oh, yeah!
-You made it!

[man] What up, boss?

[Sosa] Hey!

-Oh, Jimmy Boy. Jimmy Boy.
-Dad.

[Sosa laughs]

[grunts] What the--

[stuttering] Mr. Sosa. I-- Excuse me.
I wouldn't--

No, no. It's all right.

-Accidents happen, right?
-[chuckles nervously]

-Yeah. Yeah.
-[Sosa chuckles]

Hey, come here, pal.

Hey. [laughs]

-[sighs]
-[drunk man grunting in pain]

Jimmy Boy,
how you likin' the festivities?

Does Pooh Bear love honey?

-Who?
-Pooh Bear.

Does he love honey?

-Who the fuck is Pooh Bear?
-The cartoon.

You never seen The Tigger Movie?

-Does he like honey?
-He likes honey!

-[Sosa] Oh, good!
-And I love the party!

-[Sosa] Good!
-[both laugh]

Listen here.

We got two more parties to go,
and a surprise at the end of the night.

Someone who wronged you is gonna get
their well-deserved comeuppance.

[chuckles]

[drunk man whimpering in pain]

Their what?

His come-- Comeuppance?

-Fuck yeah! Yeah, I love...
-[drunk man grunting]

I love comeuppance, Dad.

-Mmm-hmm.
-One of my favorite things.

-[chuckles]
-Yeah. I gotta be honest.

I don't know what comeuppance is,
but it sounds dope.

I don't know cartoons,
you don't know big words.

-Who cares?
-Who cares?

-[both laugh]
-Listen,

go enjoy the rest of the party.
Make up for lost time.

-All right, I'm on it.
-All right.

[chuckles]

[thuds]

Get that shit outta here.

Before it stinks up the place.

Okay.

I know you're kinda busy right now,
but can you chew gum

and explain how the fuck
you're from the future at the same time?

[shushes]

That's a tone that tells me
you're not listening.

[groans]

-I'm listening.
-Okay.

So six months from now,
I step into a time machine.

-Like Doctor Who. You know, the TARDIS?
-There's my headache.

You have no reference.
It's like playing Pictionary with someone

that doesn't have a lot of experience.
So just try to focus

and see if you can get this, okay.

I stepped into a time machine,

and then when I stepped out
of the machine, it's this afternoon.

-A time machine?
-[Nick] Yeah.

-You know Symon?
-Symon?

-Symon with a "Y"?
-The nerdy, inventor guy?

I don't like labels, but you know
what I mean. Likes to invent and do it.

-Oh, shit.
-Yeah.

-Oh, fuck!
-Mmm-hmm...

-Here you go.
-[Alice] Symon!

Hey!

-Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.
-Are you kidding me? Who cares?

-Okay. Shall we?
-[Alice] Yeah.

-[Symon] Okay.
-[Alice] Cheers.

I heard that someone ran off
to the courthouse and got married.

Did you get married?

What?

Holy shit!

Is it true what they say about him?

About what?

Your husband, that he's...
that he's like a...

Oh, that he's a gangster.

-Is he a gangster?
-Yeah. Who knew? Not my mom.

-[laughs]
-[Alice] Yeah, crazy.

-He loans money to people.
-[Symon] Okay.

And if those people
don't pay him with interest,

-then an enforcer breaks their legs.
-That happens?

Yeah. And if they still don't pay, well...

But, you know, when I met Nick,
he was so funny.

I mean, he said he worked
in sanitation, and I was like,

"Damn, that guy is driving
garbage trucks."

Yeah, but then I realized that
he was just, you know, killing people.

But, you know, I figured
he was just this, like,

guy that loved me.

Yeah. He was fun and exciting, and...

I mean, we can all forgive
one thing about our partners, right?

Of course. Yeah.
I mean, you once dated a guy

-who was into close-up magic, right?
-Exactly.

-But going back to Nick.
-Dated me.

You see, after we got married,

I realized that the one thing
I was forgiving with him

was actually a lot of fucking... things.

[chuckling] He was cheating on me
all the time.

He was not fuckin' cheating on you.

Like...

-Why are we laughing?
-It's...

-All the time.
-This doesn't seem like we should laugh.

[laughs] It's really funny, right?

-Yeah.
-[Alice] Yeah.

Anyway, um...

I'd really like to leave him.

I would love to leave him,
but if you know, like, a...

like, a non-dangerous way
to leave a super-dangerous guy, I...

-I'd really appreciate it.
-[Symon] Yeah.

I don't... I don't... I don't know one
right off the top of my head,

but goddamn, that story was--
Oh, my God, I loved that story.

I appreciate the info dump,
but I was actually...

I was actually asking that question
for selfish reasons.

Um...

-You want a loan.
-[Symon] I want a loan. Exactly.

Because I'm currently
on a project right now,

I'm lookin' for financing,
and it's something

that traditional investors
can't fuckin' wrap their heads around.

Everybody's saying no.
They don't understand.

-Right.
-So, I need to find alternative methods

to get the funds I need.

You see, I think getting money from him
could end very poorly for you.

I can't think of one way
this could go wrong.

-[Alice] Right.
-We're gonna live forever.

So Symon with a "Y,"
Alice's fucking inventor friend,

built a time machine
with the money we loaned him?

Yeah, and you know
how he's been dodgin' us lately

-over payments?
-[Mike] Yeah.

That doesn't change
over the next six months,

and eventually, I have to track him down
to his garage-slash-laboratory

to see if he'll cough up the money.

But when I get there, he isn't home.

[beeps, machine whirrs]

[Nick] And that's when I see
what he did with our money.

[whirrs]

[electronic trilling]

[Nick] There's one day
I've thought about a lot.

That's today.

The day I die. Or died.

Yeah.

Like a video game.

[beeping]

-And it worked.
-Uh-huh...

[warbling]

Where is this time machine?

Ah, that doesn't matter,
because we can't really use it.

What do you mean? Why not?

-I might have accidentally blown it up.
-What?

-[zaps]
-[crackling]

It wasn't fuckin' intentional. It just was
one of these things that happened.

Why can't Symon fix it?
Or build another one? Can't he?

Um...

Well...

Nick, you didn't.

[Nick] Well, when the doors
of the time machine opened,

there was all this smoke and bright light.

And I see someone pointing a gun at me.

And we both take a shot or two

and one of the bullets
hit some sort of a tank, and, you know...

God damn it, Nick!

Well, yeah, and then I--

It just kind of, you know,
it was a moment,

and then accidentally, it was an accident,
but then I shot him.

You accidentally accidentally shot him?

I shot him, and it wasn't on purpose.

Well, this fuckin' sucks ass.

-[Mike] God damn it!
-[engine starts]

Get in the car. We got good news.
You hear the purring?

Okay. We do not have the time machine,
and Symon is dead.

So, we get one chance to do this right.
There's no do-overs. Okay?

-Great.
-So, with that being said

and being relaxed,
let's just brainstorm in a great way.

How do we find me?

-What? You didn't plan for this?
-I had a plan for this.

My plan was to knock me out
and put me in the trunk.

Well, doesn't your car have,
like, a GPS tracker or something,

in case it gets stolen?

That's good. Let me see your phone.

Why do you wanna see my phone?

Well, I don't know if two phones
can exist in the same times--

I don't know how this works,
my phone gives me nothin'.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Take it. Whatever.

[Future Nick] I'd like
to report my car stolen.

[Present Nick] Yeah,
he shows up at my house,

and then me and him
end up getting into it.

He takes my bowling trophy,
he smashes it across my jaw.

The guy's completely lost his mind.

It's like he's on tilt or something.

[Sosa] The Barron thinks
he's at the Zenith Hotel.

I need to give him a call.
Where the fuck you at?

I'm just at the gas station finishin' up,
then I'll head to the after-party.

-[Sosa] Get your ass over here.
-All right, I'll see you there.

There I am.

-[Present Nick] Hi, how are you?
-Good.

Good. I was gonna try
some sugar-free candy.

Candy? Candy is sugar.

Well, you've heard of, like,
a vegetarian hotdog?

-[cashier] Yeah.
-There's no meat.

It's just the looks.

-[cashier] Right.
-But it tastes...

-So like that, but for candy.
-I have cookies that have sugar in them,

and you can get four of them
for the price of two of them.

No, I'm not interested
in getting upsold on cookies.

-I'm interested in the candy.
-Right.

Right? But it doesn't have sugar.

I'm picking up
what you're putting down, I think.

You're looking for a candy bar
that doesn't exist.

Okay, I... I don't know how else
to say it to you, bro,

but the sugar-free candy exists.

Well... Bro...

Oh, would you look at that?

Mmm, looks like we're all out of stock

of fairy-tale fuckin' made-up candy bars,
you fucking moron.

Can I help you with anything we have?

You know, I've had
a very bad night tonight.

I fucking hate myself.

Okay, this feels like
a bit of an overreaction.

We gotta do this thing quick.

When I called it in,
they would've notified the cops.

That means we got about
20 or 30 minutes for response time,

-and then maybe--
-Nick.

Yeah.

-Are you kidding me?
-[siren blares]

All right. When they come in here,
you don't say shit.

-You understand?
-Yeah.

Oh, Jesus, I mean,
I didn't expect them to respond instantly.

This wasn't one of your brighter ideas.

[indistinct radio chatter]

Just be cool.

Hey, we're looking for the guy
who has the Audi.

-Nick?
-Hey. What's up, Sam?

You reported your car stolen.

-Uh-uh. No.
-[Sam] Okay.

Well, we got the call.

-Ah, that's confusing. I don't know.
-Yeah. [chuckles]

-Talk about fuckin' luck.
-What?

That's Samantha Scheer. We're fine.

Who, the cop? You know her?

Yeah, it's Christina Aguilera
featuring Redman.

-Huh?
-Dirty.

Oh.

That's a good tune.

Must have been a prank.

Yeah, must've... must've been...

-Okay. Nice seeing you.
-All right. Yeah, you too.

Uh, this guy here has a gun.
He pulled it on me.

Pulled a gun on me.

-What did you say?
-[cashier] Um...

This guy pulled a gun on me.

Nick is a pillar of the community.

He would do no such thing.

Well, Pillar Boy over here
definitely pulled a gun on me,

-and I have it on video, so...
-No, you don't.

-Yeah, I do.
-[Sam] Hey!

People who don't have things on video
don't have lifelong problems.

-Oh...
-[Sam] Yeah.

[cashier] Okay.

What if I just, uh, delete

all of the footage from this evening?

Now, I think that's a great idea.

-It's a great idea.
-Good idea, citizen.

Great seeing you, Nick.

Hey, great to see you, Sam.
Say hi to your lucky hubby of yours.

Oh. Ex-hubby.

So, maybe you just say hi to me.

Oh...

That doesn't feel like
"don't say shit," does it? Hmm?

[bell dings]

Whoa, I gotta stop drinking
while I am on edibles, man.

What?

You're behind you, dude.

[clang]

[thuds]

Is he out?

-Yeah.
-[cashier] Thanks.

That guy that looks just like you?

Huge dick.

[grunting]

[♪ romantic pop music playing,
Sheena Easton "9 to 5"]

Fuck you.

-Get away from me!
-What the fuck?

Where'd he go?

-I can't see great. You?
-No, no.

I'm gonna take four. You take two.

Okay, he's on aisle three. I saw him.

Okay, we'll head him off.

[exclaiming]

[Present Nick] Who the fuck are you?

[grunting]

[Present Nick] What the fuck, Mike?

Son of a bitch.

[grunts, groans]

[coughs]

-[Mike yells]
-[Present Nick grunting]

[Future Nick and Present Nick grunting]

[both continue grunting]

[crashing]

[Present Nick groaning]

[cashier] I don't know what the fuck
you three are up to,

but someone elbowed me in the eye
and that is not cool.

Yeah. My apologies that
you had to witness all this.

This went a lot further than we expected.

This is why I'm quitting.

I'm not talking about the killing.

Talking about all of it.
I can't do this anymore.

All right, I understand. Let's just get
him tied up and get him in the trunk.

Okay, so who's this contract killer
Sosa hired to kill me?

Have you ever heard of The Barron?

Yeah. Maybe that's a good thing.

Why? How bad could it be?

I mean, he's a A-plus killer and...

he eats his targets.

-He what?
-Cannibal assassin.

-Shut the fuck up.
-Swear to God.

-Shut the fuck up.
-That's his signature move.

-Shut the fuck up.
-He's both things.

He's an assassin and he's a cannibal.

And he takes both of them very seriously.

I don't wanna be eaten, Nick.

No, I understand. I agree.
It's not an ideal situation.

Okay, so, do me a favor.

I want you to text Alice

and tell her to meet us
in the parking garage

at 556 McClintock Boulevard, Downtown.

Wait a minute. Why Alice? Why?

Because at some point,
Sosa's gonna figure out

that I'm working with you

and I wanna make sure Alice is safe.

Okay. But what...

I don't know if I have--
Why are you asking me this?

Don't you know her number?

I don't have it memorized.

Are you positive
you don't have her number?

Am I positive I don't have her number?

I mean, are you positive about--
Is anybody positive about anything?

Not sure.

But I'll look.
There's a lot of As in here.

"Alexandria."

Oh. Oh. [chuckles]

I do have it. It's under "Nick's wife."
[chuckles]

You text, I drive.

So a nightmare fuel assassin
has Mike in his sights,

and you're trying to help him
survive the night.

Is that the macro here?

Mostly.

But with one important wrinkle and...
show's gonna be easier than tell.

[Alice] Oh. Mysterious.

Just a heads up,
you're gonna freak out a little,

and then you're gonna have some questions.

-Holy shit.
-Mmm-hmm...

So there's two Nicks?

Do you have some questions?
I imagine you have some.

I had a lot of questions.

Well, I do have a question.

Which Nick's from the future?

-What? How did you know that?
-Oh, are you from the past?

I'm from the future, six months from now.

How did you...

Well, Symon's my friend, remember?

I mean, he told me why
he wanted money from you guys,

but I thought he was a fucking kook,
but... God damn!

Symon figured how to fucking time travel?

I was kind of excited
for you to freak out.

-This has been a letdown.
-[Future Nick] All right.

-Let me wake him up here.
-Wait.

Come on. There you go.

Hi.

What's happening?

I'm you.

And you're coming with us.

-Symon with a "Y" built a time machine?
-Yep.

-And it works?
-Yeah.

Obviously.

I thought you were a clone.

Well, clones aren't real, dummy.

Right. And time machines
are super grounded in reality.

You know, uh, Mike and Alice
are fucking, right?

[spits]

-[Future Nick] Yeah, I know.
-You know?

I'm from the future.

I get this is shocking to those two,
but you should at least realize

I know everything you know, right?

Yeah, totally. Yeah, I get it.

When did you find out?

The day before Jimmy Boy's party.

So yesterday?

And present you is clearly
unbelievably pissed about it, correct?

No, not at all.

I mean, personal betrayal
just fills me with immense joy.

Okay, my life is on the line
'cause Sosa thinks I'm the rat,

and I'm just now figuring out

-who framed me.
-Right.

-They did.
-Yeah.

Well, technically it was him.

-I'm here to fix it.
-Wow, terrific.

We are fucked.

[Future Nick] We've all made mistakes.

Let's try and put that behind us.

Right now, we need to focus on
keeping Mike and Alice alive.

Right.

So the four of us are gonna
lie low together now, right?

Yeah, where are we headed?

Some place no one knows about.

Our apartment.

Our apartment?

Well... the Nicks.

-Me and him.
-I'm sorry.

You have an apartment
that I don't know about?

Yeah. Sometimes
I just need a little space.

Okay. Let's not lie about
why we have the apartment.

We don't need to open that can of worms.

All right. Everybody, let's just try
and keep this professional.

[Alice] I'm sorry.

[scoffs] Is this... Is this a love shack?

Oh, this is a love shack. Right.

And you've got
all of your own little secrets

and you still framed Mike to get killed?

By a fucking cannibal.

He didn't wanna sneak behind your back.
I told him not to tell you

because you are fucking impulsive

and here you are, proving me right.

Yeah, but I never thought
someone would end up eating me.

Okay. To be fair, neither of us knew
Sosa was gonna hire The Barron.

We were expecting a snappier death.

One shot to the head type of deal.

I guess that does make me feel better.

See? That's a great attitude, Mike.

Let's all try to build on that, okay?
Great.

[sighs]

-Motherfucker.
-[Future Nick] All right, take a seat.

And don't try anything
or I'll have to tackle you.

I certainly can't shoot you
because then I'll be dead.

Go, go.

Why would you be dead?

Well, if Present Nick dies,
Future Nick no longer exists.

Yeah, makes sense.

I don't think that's how it works.

Well, I'm not gonna take a risk
to find out which one of us is correct.

Let's just ask Symon.

[scoffs] You... You didn't.

Symon's...

dead?

Well, it wasn't on purpose.

Symon's dead.

Okay, give her a little minute.
She'll need some time to process this.

You don't have to tell me
how my wife reacts to stuff.

I'm just saying she's a little upset.

-She's gonna--
-No I understand she gets very emotional.

[Mike] Because I'm not saying it
in an arrogant way.

-[Future Nick] I took it arrogant.
-Ow!

God!

What are you, fucking crazy?
I didn't kill Symon.

[breathing heavily]
It's a science experiment.

By the way,
it's not like you don't deserve it.

If Future Nick has a scar,
your theory is right.

And if he doesn't, then I'm right.

[Present Nick] This isn't
a science experiment, Alice.

-It's my leg.
-[Alice] Oh, please. You have bandages,

super glue. Duct tape? You'll be fine.

Go clean yourself up like a big boy.

I'm supposed to go play doctor
with ropes around my wrist?

Oh, please. It's not the first time
you've taken down your pants in this place

-with your hands tied, is it?
-Look, I can't stand being around you.

He can go to the bathroom on his own.

It's not like he'll jump out of the window
on the 17th floor.

Yeah, he won't go anywhere.

-Go.
-I can't wait to get away from you.

With pleasure. [groans]

I love the decoration in this place.

I can't believe my friend is dead.

[chuckles] I think I need a minute.

[sighs] Where's the liquor
in your fuck-den?

Fuck-den might be
a little strong for the place,

but the bar is right over there.

Thank you.

What-- All right.

Okay.

Yep. There's a scar, I was right.

[Alice] Congrats.

-Are you really in love with Stabby Lady?
-Yeah.

Yes, I really am.
And you haven't been in love with her

for a really long time. So...

-What?
-Yeah.

-Where'd you get that from?
-[Mike] What? You told me.

You said, "Alice and I are done."
I said, "Are you sure?"

And you said, "I've never been
more sure of anything in my life."

I said, "Really? For real?"

And you said, "Do you have
a hearing problem, fuckhead?"

I said, "Hey! I'm just making sure."

And you said, "I cannot possibly
be more clear here.

"I have zero romantic feelings for Alice.

"I don't care what she does,
who she fucks.

"I don't care about any of it.
We're done."

Now that you're saying it out loud,
I remember parts of that.

Okay, those were your words verbatim.
And I took it literally.

No, I uh... Now that you're saying it,
I understand. I remember...

I think it was after a fight
or something, but my God,

-you have a hell of a memory.
-Yeah.

[Alice] Nick?

What the fuck?

You... have...

[cat meows]

...a cat.

That's Kingpin.

Kingpin the Cat.

Oh, you have a cat named Kingpin
that I don't know about.

Just when I thought I'd grasped
the level of your deceit.

But you're allergic.

Yeah, I'm a little allergic.
Could've been a conversation.

Yeah, I'm sure that would have went well.

By the way, the other day,
Kingpin walked into the bathroom,

then he crawled into the bathtub,

squatted directly over the drain,

and he peed right into it.

-Wow. That's incredible.
-[Future Nick] I know!

It's like he's an engineer or something.

He has a bladder infection.

-He does?
-[Alice] Yes.

Not this Kingpin,
but future Kingpin, probably.

That's why they pee in tubs.

You didn't think of looking it up
to know what it meant?

-Nah, I just thought it was cool.
-Yeah.

Yeah. You're a bad cat dad, dude.

Not a bad cat dad.

Bad cat vet? Maybe.
But great cat daddy. Right?

Pet drama aside,
it's a little after midnight.

-Right.
-[Future Nick] All right.

Time for the after-after-party.

[♪ upbeat music playing,
Dave Matthews Band "Ants Marching"]

[imperceptible]

♪ He wakes up in the morning ♪

♪ Does his teeth
Bite to eat and he's rolling ♪

♪ Never changes a thing ♪

[exhales] You know who loved lap dances?

-Jackie Napalm.
-Jackie Napalm.

God damn it, he was a real one, man.

[sighs]

Enough about that though.

Ooh. [sighs]

Something the matter, Jimmy Boy?

What?

No, everything's...

fucking right the fuck on.

Really? 'Cause it seems like
Jimmy Boy's Jimmy's taking a nap.

[scoffs]

Man, I'm gonna fuckin' kill Dumbass Tony.

Oh.

[cellphone rings]

[chuckles]

Nick, where the fuck are you?

It's raining titties over here.

I found Mike. He's tied up and ready.
He's gift-wrapped for The Barron.

[Sosa] And they say miracles never happen.

I'll text you the time and place.

Gotcha. [laughs]

Ah!

Superb. [laughs]

[Future Nick] I have a plan
to keep Mike alive.

But the only chance we have
for this plan to work

is for all four of us to be on board.

So...

I think it's important
that the four of us clear the air first.

Alice.

When did you know it was over between us?

Well, there wasn't, like,
a specific moment, I guess.

No, I think there was.

I think there was a very specific
turning point. It was distinct.

-Really? When?
-A few months ago.

When I took that trip to Canada?

With Jackie Napalm?

The Jess argument.

-Jess?
-We don't know anyone named Jess.

Rory and Jess.

You said that Jess was
the worst boyfriend in the show.

-Jess sucks.
-You watch Gilmore Girls?

Well, I mean,
I watch it when she's watching.

I mean, I watch it when it's on.

-We love it.
-[Mike] Why do you hate Jess?

I mean, I think he's okay, but he's not--

Wait, you-- You watch Gilmore Girls?

Yeah. Yeah.

You said... You said it was
your favorite show two weeks ago,

so I thought I'd watch it.
So I watched it.

So I watched, uh... all of it.

I mean, that's like 170 episodes.

157 episodes.

I think that's mathematically impossible.

No. No, it's not. No, I did it.

Yeah, Jess is fine.
I mean, he's a cute guy,

but, you know, he's wrong for Rory.

-Totally wrong.
-[Mike] And I never said

he was the worst boyfriend.

The worst boyfriend is obviously Dean.

-Dean?
-Yeah.

Logan is the worst boyfriend.

-Logan's the best boyfriend on the show.
-Logan?

What the fuck, Mike?

-Are you nuts?
-Is that controversial?

Rory is the worst when she's with him.
I mean, he's a terrible influence on her.

They're good for each other.
A lot in common. They're both spoiled.

-Rory's not spoiled.
-[Alice] Thank you.

Her grandparents paid for Chilton.

Okay. Richard Gilmore
worked super hard for his money,

and he wants to spend it
on somebody that he loves.

And when they offered to pay for Yale,

Rory insisted that it would be
a fucking loan, Mike.

[Mike] Okay, whatever.

All these arguments about who's right
for Rory are a waste of time anyway

because none of these guys
are technically right for her anyway.

[Future Nick] None of them?

No, she doesn't end up
with any of these guys.

She's single and pregnant at the end.

Wait a second. It ends with Rory
being single and pregnant?

Oh, yeah, that's in the Netflix episodes.

-Eh. Haven't seen those.
-I mean, you watch 'em later.

[Alice] Yeah, I guess it's--

I mean, it's clever
to make Rory a single mother

just like Lorelai,
but... it's not a good ending.

I'll tell what's not a good ending.

It's somebody becoming a single mom
because a cannibal hitman...

eats the unknowing dad.

Jesus.

I mean, I heard the Netflix season
was weird, but fuck me.

I'm not talking about the show here, Nick.

I'm talking about Mike and Alice.

That's why I came back.

To try and...

change the ending of their story.

I didn't want your kid
growing up without Mike.

[♪ somber music playing]

[gasps]

My kid?

Our kid.

You find out the day of Mike's funeral.

[Future Nick] Look, guys, we can
talk about this all night,

but we have a cannibal problem.

And it's gonna take
all four of us to fix it.

You want my help saving Mike?

[Future Nick] Nick, listen to me.

I know that you're angry right now,

but people can change.

Can they?

[Future Nick]
They can certainly feel less angry.

Now, you with us or not?

-[meows]
-The Barron likes

to take his victims alive.

Alive?

This is actually a good thing for us.
This helps us.

He took me alive last time?

He showed up at the hotel
while Alice was in the shower,

and you were gone by the time she got out.

You said you have a plan, right?

You and Nick, you stay here.

The Barron will come knocking.

Now we play it like
we are voluntarily giving Mike away.

-Like we're happy that Mike is dying.
-[Mike] Oh, God.

-[Present Nick] Mm-hmm.
-But once he's inside,

you allow The Barron to take Mike.

-What?
-Wait, what-- let who take who?

I am going to be waiting
for The Barron and Mike

when they get off the elevator
in the parking garage.

I'm gonna have a clean shot.

Why not shoot him when he shows up
in the parking garage?

-Hmm.
-[Future Nick] Nobody knows

-what The Barron looks like.
-[sighs]

Nobody knows what age The Barron is.

What we will do is have Alice text me
what The Barron looks like

the second Mike has exited the apartment.

Okay, does everyone understand this plan?

Which is designed entirely
to keep me alive?

Yes, baby.

I'm good.

Yeah?

Well, it's my plan
so I understand it perfectly.

All right. Let's get hyped.

-It's go time.
-Relax.

[purring]

[Alice] Yes. Yes, we're in our positions.

Okay.

The other Nick said
The Barron will be here momentarily.

Cool.

So when did this start?

[Mike] Hmm?

What? When did what start?

At some point, you guys were strangers
and... now you're here.

-Now?
-You'll do this now?

-Yeah.
-I don't know. I don't...

I don't know when it started.

It just, um...

I just know when I knew.

I wonder if we have the same answer.

Well, there's only one correct answer.

[laughs]

-You sure you wanna know?
-I'm asking.

-Roid Rage Ryan's wedding.
-[mouthing]

Yeah.

[Alice chuckles]

[Dumbass Tony] So, that's why
we can never go back to Minneapolis.

[man] Twin City!

So here is to the beautiful bride

and her honestly steroid-addicted groom.

I love you, Dumbass.

And I like you. I like you.

[man 2] You guys are beautiful!

-[man 3] Roid Rage!
-[man 4] Hey!

[♪ Steve Winwood "Valerie" playing]

♪ So wild, standing there ♪

♪ With her hands in her hair ♪

♪ I can't help remember ♪

[sighs]

♪ Here in her place ♪

♪ So cool, she was like ♪

♪ Jazz on a Summer's... ♪

Mike, right?

Hey.

Yeah, yeah.

-Hi.
-Yeah.

-Alice. [chuckles]
-Yeah, I know.

I know, um...

Your husband's my work partner.

You know where he is?

Uh... I haven't seen him in a bit.
I think he's inside with Sosa.

[Alice] Wrong.

He's inside fucking a bridesmaid.

[laughs]

Well, I'm sure he's not.

I'm sure he is.

Sorry about that.

It's a nice wedding, isn't it?

Sure.

You ever, uh... You ever regret it?

[scoffs] Getting married?

-Not having a wedding.
-Oh.

You mean going to the courthouse? Eloping?

-Mmm-hmm.
-That's what he wanted.

I actually did like it. It was fun.

-I liked being impulsive. Passionate.
-[chuckles]

Yeah, it was about us.

[Mike] Hmm.

Yeah...

I guess we had a good run.

I could say the same about Nick and I.

About...

your friendship?

Yep.

[Alice] Hmm.

[exhales] I'm bored. Do you wanna dance?

Yeah.

[Alice] Let's go.

What the fuck?

♪ So cool, she was like ♪

♪ Jazz on a Summer's day ♪

♪ Music, high and sweet ♪

♪ Then she just blew away ♪

♪ Now she can't be that warm ♪

♪ With the wind in her arms ♪

♪ Valerie, call on me ♪

♪ Call on me... ♪

I think I'm maybe danced out.

-[Alice] No.
-Yeah.

Come on.

♪ I'm the same boy I used to be ♪

♪ I'm the same boy I used to be ♪

[music stops]

Nice to meet you.

What took you so long?

[banging on door]

Oh, shit. Okay, my impending doom,
right on schedule.

I feel like I should put
Kingpin in the closet.

The Barron eats people. He's not ALF.

-Right.
-Right.

All right, let's go.

-Are we ready?
-Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, gag me.

Gag me, gag me.

[Alice] Okay, sure.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

-Fuck. Okay.
-Sorry.

All right.

Hello?

[The Barron] Hello in there.

I believe you have an item I am pursuing.

Hello, hello, hello.

[Present Nick] What's happening?

Oh, Michael.

-My prize?
-[Alice] Yeah. We got him for you.

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.

Uh, just to let you know, this group here
is planning on fucking you over.

My, my, my. Is that so?

What the fuck, Nick?

Yeah. One of them is waiting for you
in the parking garage.

They are going to kill you
when you get there.

And why are you telling me this,
my dear boy?

-I'm trying to give this crew the slip.
-Hmm.

-This is more of a hostage-style...
-Fuck.

...situation and I figured you could
get me out of here.

-Oh, well...
-[whimpers]

...I can definitely help you
in that department.

What the fuck?

-[gasps]
-What the fuck are you doing?

Damn, he looked delicious.

But you can't always get what you want.

-I thought you take these guys alive.
-Yeah.

-Mm-hmm. That's usually the case, but...
-[sobbing] Mike.

...considering I walked
into a trap of sorts.

You don't look happy about this.

No, I just...

[Alice sobs]

Mike?

[Alice] Mike.

[♪ somber music playing]

[Mike] I forgive you.

[The Barron laughs]

-Oh, boy, that was fun.
-What the fuck?

[laughs]

Oh, man, oh, man. You were right.
It went exactly as you expected.

-I was right?
-Yeah-- Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm Chet. I work in props.
You know, special effects.

I do squibs and blanks,
that sort of thing.

We, uh...
We meet a few months from now.

I take it you're from the future.

No, I'm from this afternoon.

[Chet] Yeah,
can I get a hotdog mustard, please?

You usually get relish.

They were out. Do I know you?

Yeah, in the future.

But I need your help in the past
which is today.

Are you free this evening?

Uh...

-Depends. Who the fuck are you?
-I'll tell you. My name's Nick.

-Uh-huh.
-We've gotten hot dogs before.

That's confusing.

After the initial confusion subsided,
I agreed to help out. [chuckles]

The other you wrote all my dialogue.

You know, saying words three times
sounded a little quirky to me,

but you said, "Hey, you're pretending
to be a cannibal assassin.

"Quirky is your zone, man."

Okay.

Future You knew that
Present You would be a dildo

and double-cross us.

And Future You also knew
that Present You would regret it

the second you knew I was dead,
like the first time.

Yeah. I...

-[cell phone vibrates]
-Oh. Hello?

One second.

You wants to talk to you.

-That was great.
-[Chet] That was fun.

Hello.

-[Future Nick] Hey, wise guy.
-Hmm.

Did you learn your lesson here?

Yeah, yeah. I learnt that
this was not the real Barron.

Yeah. Well, just a trial run to make sure
you can keep your shit together.

We planned the whole thing
right under your nose.

And I'm not downstairs in the basement.

I'm across the street with a sniper rifle.

[gun cocking]

When Mike died, the first time I...

lived through this evening,
it fucked me up bad.

And... I knew
I made a mistake immediately.

There was...

no joy in my revenge. Just a...

fresh case of self-loathing and...

I knew you'd feel the same.

Nick, unfortunately,
we're the type of moron

that can really only learn things
from making mistakes.

It's, uh, actually
a very annoying character flaw.

So what now?

Now I want you to say goodbye to Chet
and clean the place up.

-Chet.
-Huh?

-Bye.
-[Chet] Oh.

Uh, well, it was nice meeting all of you.

This was a pleasant experience. [chuckles]

I'll walk you out.

-Thanks, Chet.
-[Chet] All righty.

There's no more fake threats this evening.
I want all hands on deck.

We got a long night ahead of us.

Step one is taking care
of this cannibal hitman.

I'm gonna text Sosa this address

and tell him that Mike
is ready to be plucked.

Let's get ready for the real Barron.

Okay, wiser, older me.

What do you want us to do?

[♪ intriguing music playing]

[neck cracks]

[banging on door]

Oh, God.

[Alice] Okay.

-Want me to get the door?
-I'm good. Thank you.

Who gives a fuck?

Who is it?

You know who it is.

[mouthing] Oh, he's hot.

Good evening.

Oh, fuck.

Hmm.

A meal fit for a king.

What's in the, uh...

bag there, pal?

The essentials.

Earplugs.

Carving tools and...

chloroform.

[gasps]

Fucking chloroform.

[Kingpin meows]

What a beautiful little feline.

May I ask its name?

Uh, that's Kingpin.

Kingpin the Cat.

-[gun fires]
-[glass shatters]

-[gun fires]
-[thuds]

[gasps, pants]

Somebody check his pulse.

[exhales] That shit's gross.

[♪ upbeat electronic music playing]

[clacking]

Do you hear that?

Stay out of that sniper's line of sight.

Duh.

[guns cocking]

Oh, fuck.

-[Alice] Fuck.
-Come on!

Nick, shoot them!

[pants]

[glass shattering]

[yelps]

[bullet casing rattling]

[Kingpin meows]

Fuck it.

Hold on, honey!

[Mike grunts]

[meowing]

-[guns firing]
-[glass breaking]

-[yells] Grenade! Grenade!
-What?

-What?
-Grenade.

Fuck!

[explosion]

[thuds]

[sirens wailing in distance]

[♪ tense music playing]

[electricity crackling]

[Mike grunts]

[Alice grunts]

[both panting]

[sprinkler stops]

[Kingpin meows]

Fuck.

[footsteps approaching]

Yeah, I don't think you're gonna
get your deposit back.

What time is it?

It's time for the after-after-after-party.

♪ This is my last resort ♪

[over car stereo]
♪ Suffocation, no breathing ♪

♪ Don't give a fuck
if I cut my arm bleeding ♪

♪ This is my last resort ♪

-[engine stops, beeps]
-[music stops]

Have a good night, Mr. Jimmy, sir.

It's Jimmy Boy, motherfucker.

-What's up, Charlie?
-Hey.

Say hey to your daughter for me, okay?

-[engine starts]
-Look alive.

[♪ electronic music playing]

Jimmy Boy, you fucking-- Fuck you!

Roid Rage Ryan, you ripped son of a bitch.

-Come on, now.
-What are you,

-you're the fucking door guy now?
-Hell no! The door guy "OD'd."

-Oh, man.
-Yeah.

-Is he good?
-He's dead.

Oh, damn! Why'd you...
Weird you to put quotes when the guy died.

I know. But--

Yeah, that's fucked up. [laughs]

-Yo, I heard you got married, dude.
-Yeah, I did.

-Yeah?
-[clears throat]

Yeah, but you weren't there.

Well, yeah, I was in fucking prison, dude.

Oh! [laughs]

-Snap!
-[laughs sarcastically] Yeah.

-Oh, shit, bro! Yo!
-Yeah, you forgot?

-Man, welcome. Welcome back.
-Yeah. Damn.

You know what they say.
Welcome back. It's good.

Have other people forgot?
Did people not know this?

[♪ electronic music playing]

-Hey.
-What's up, Jimmy?

-[clamoring]
-Ooh!

This motherfucker's been cheatin'.
You better watch it.

Shit.

Okay.

-I'll take that, thank you.
-Uh, welcome.

[barbell clangs]

[sniffs]

[♪ electronic music continues playing]

[all cheering]

[yells]

I'm back, baby!

Whoo!

[all cheering, whooping]

Whoo-hoo!

I fuckin' love confetti, man.

It was a grenade?

I don't know what kind of girls
you're bringing back to your place, Nick,

but it's...

No, no. I get it.

I'm just giving you shit.

Okay, so we're running interference
with the local PD and the fire department

for the next 20, 30.

So we can buy you time, but as long
as it's not like a full-on blaze.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Present Nick] You guys wanna get dry?

This is all I could find for both of you.

Oh, an emerald-green stripper bra.

That's very kind of you, Present Nick.

I'll take both.

[cell phone ringing]

Is it over?

[Future Nick] Unfortunately, no. Mike got
the jump on The Barron. He's dead.

What happened to The Barron's assistants?

Yeah, well, Mike killed those guys, too.

You know, he's on the run now.

All right. It doesn't matter.

Uh...

Sorry, why doesn't that matter?

I'm gonna let everybody have a good time.
Let the celebration continue.

But when the morning comes,

they won't have just a hangover,
they'll have marching orders.

All operations will cease
until this matter is resolved.

Every member of the organization
will have one responsibility,

"Find Mike and bring me his head."

Now, I don't care where he goes.
I don't care how long it takes.

He will be found and he will fucking die!

Yeah, no, I hear that.
I wanna help with that fuckin' thing.

"Kill fuckin' Mike" sounds great.
Because he deserves it.

Because he's bad and he gotta die.

Ah, yes!

[laughs]

To that ratfuck.

[Future Nick] Yeah, I'll see you soon.

So, what did I miss?

Well, first thing tomorrow morning,

the entire organization's
gonna come after you.

-[Alice] Great.
-Wait, what? That's plenty of time.

Plenty of time to do what?

To figure out who the real rat is.
We do that and we're free.

Well, the real rat is already dead.

I'm confused.

Remember the deal that went wrong
with the Canadians?

Yeah, of course.
That's when Jackie Napalm died.

Fuck off!

-Jackie Napalm was the rat?
-[Future Nick] The one and only.

Jackie confessed,
when he was bleeding out in my arms,

to being the rat and setting up
Sosa's kid to get busted. The whole thing.

That's exactly how
you could pin it on Mike.

Because Jackie was the only one
that could say otherwise.

Sosa's gonna think I'm lying
to save my own ass.

I can't prove that Jackie Napalm
was the rat. Everybody loved that guy.

Yeah, he was a real one.

So, what the fuck are we gonna do?

Figuring out the rat wasn't my only idea.

It was just the easier solution.
Much easier.

All our enemies are under one roof, right?

I thought you were done with this.

I know.

Maybe I got one more left in me.

[♪ tense music continues playing]

What do we say?

It's us or them.

Time to crash a fucking party.

-[♪ electronic music playing]
-[all] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

[Jimmy Boy] I love you guys!

Listen, son. I think it's time
that we talked about

where you came from. And specifically,

why you don't have my good looks.

Come on, Dad. I know I'm adopted.
I'm not stupid.

Well, that's the thing.

We didn't adopt you.

You didn't?

You know what a foundling is?

-Like a duck?
-Now, look.

One night, I was walking downtown,

and I heard this faint sound
coming from an alley.

And there, in the dark, uh...

I saw something that changed my life.

I saw a beautiful baby boy,

right there under the dumpster.

-I was in a fucking dumpster?
-No, no, no.

Under the dumpster, son.
Under the dumpster.

Listen, when I saw you there,
defenseless and alone,

near all the trash and rats--

-Oh, man. There was rats on me?
-[stutters]

Listen, I shooed them away.
Anyway, I knew from that moment

that your safety
was my number one concern.

Nothing bad would
ever happen to you again.

-But I was like a garbage baby?
-Oh, fuck all that shit.

-Why're you telling me that right now?
-No, no, no.

You were no garbage baby.

From that moment,

you were my pride and joy.

I want you to have the world.

But, for right now... [laughs]

...I want you to have a surprise
I talked to you about.

Ooh.

But I should've said "surprises."

-Two surprises? [laughs]
-You're gonna love this. Come on.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

Pleasure doing the business.

Oh, Sam.

One more thing.

You mind keeping an eye on my friend here?

[Kingpin meows]

[footsteps receding]

-Sam?
-Samantha.

-Mmm.
-Mmm-hmm.

-Did I sense a little--
-Yeah.

Maybe it's early stages of it.

But nothing really happens
for another few months.

Better not to say anything
to the other me.

Better to let things unfold organically.

Your secret's safe with me.

I wouldn't wanna get between you and you.

-Now, this is the first of two gifts.
-Ooh.

-Uh-oh.
-[laughs]

-Booyah! [laughs]
-Oh, my God!

[exhales]

-What's the "JB" stand for?
-[laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

So, before I unveil gift number two...

[door closes]

There's been a rat
in our midst for a long time.

Like a snitch or the kind that was trying
to eat me as a baby?

It wasn't trying to eat you.

-It was just nearby. Fuck!
-Okay.

-Can I finish what I'm saying?
-Okay, sorry. Sorry.

It was this metaphorical rat

that got you sent to prison.

But I found out who the rat is.

Who is it?

Mike.

Quick Draw Mike?

Oh, I quadruple confirmed it.

I thought we were boys.

Oh, he had us all fooled.

But I tell you what, don't worry about it.

Anyone who hurts my son

will pay dearly for it.

Now, it's time for your final gift.

Get in that room.

[laughs]

[all] Hi, Jimmy Boy.

Hi.

-[♪ electronic music playing]
-Get it, boy. Bonk it.

[laughs] Mother-cocksucking fuck!

You know that's bullshit! Fuck me.
You watch this, mother--

Watch and learn.

[in Spanish] Diablo', mira a e'ta.

Eleven women and you didn't even try?

This is 100% your fault.

You've been talking about dicks
not working all night,

puttin' it in my head.
And then, I go in there...

-And...
-Oh. You didn't--

-Earlier at the strip club...
-Yeah.

It's a tale as old as time.

-What's that? Beauty and the Beast?
-No.

No. I mean, there's a solution
to your problem.

It's psychosomatic, dude.
You've put all this pressure

on yourself to perform, Jimmy.
If you let that shit go, bro,

oh, man, your dick
is gonna rise like a phoenix.

[laughs, squeals]

Yeah, like the city in Arizona?

No, bro. Like a bird.
Like a magical fucking dick bird.

-Whoa!
-Yeah!

Now, you go up there and you have sex--

-Uh-oh.
-Damn!

-Damn it!
-Sorry, dude.

This is the worst fucking night ever!

First, I find out Mike's the rat.

-You got something in your hair. Mike's--
-Now I got smoothie in my hair!

Mike's the what? Mike is the rat?

You got smoothie all over me!

Sorry, why are you
drinking a smoothie at a party?

-[shouts] You know I like thick drinks!
-I do, with a lot of ice.

And the piña colada machine was broken!
So here we are!

Yep.

I'm gonna go wash this shit off.

-You know what?
-[grunts]

I broke the piña colada machine, too.

I'm sorry. Goddamn it, Tony.

Oh, hey, Sam. That was...

My friend was just here.

Mmm.

[gun clatters]

Oh.

I put grenades in my fridge, too.
[laughs]

Don't want anybody getting in there, yeah.

[Future Nick] My officer lady friend
did a nice thing for us

and filled the house with backups.

Mitch the Knife, Dumbass Tony,

Willy Whip-Its, Roid Rage Ryan,
Bob the Tomato,

everyone in that house
is a grade-A threat.

[Alice] Great.

Well, a small reminder that if any of them
make it out alive,

-Mike and I are dead. So, no pressure.
-That's why you two are staying here.

What? No, no, no.

No way you're doing this without me.
I'm coming with you.

-Mike, you've been saying this yourself.
-Nick.

You're done with this lifestyle.
You stay here. All right?

Hey. Wish me luck.

-You ready, Nick?
-Yeah, I'm ready, Nick.

[♪ tense music playing]

Good luck.

All right.

Come on. Give me a half-chub at least.

All right.

-[laughs] There he is. Nick. My man.
-Roid Rage.

Good to see you. Great to see you.

Yeah, you too.

You fucking missed a lot of partying.
Let me tell you.

I just want you
to know I always enjoyed you.

Aw, thank you, man.

Sometimes our business
can complicate things between people,

-but it's never personal. You know that.
-I mean, look,

what are you gonna do?
You charge it to the game, right?

[laughs]

Game don't take receipts.

Yeah. Well, it's good to know
you feel that way.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing,
Thin Lizzy "The Boys Are Back in Town"]

-[clamoring]
-[bodyguard 1] Get out!

[bodyguard 2] Everybody, get the fuck out.

-Where's Sosa?
-He's on the third floor!

[men grunting]

[grunts]

Oh, fuck!

[panting]

-[gun fires]
-[yells] Oh, fuck!

[gun clicks]

[grunts loudly]

-[henchman grunting]
-[panting]

[grunts]

[groans]

-[grunts]
-[glass shatters]

[groans]

-There they are!
-Fuck you, Nick.

-[men yelling indistinctly]
-[gunshots]

Go.

[grunts]

[groans]

[Future Nick and henchman 2 grunting]

[henchman 3 yelling]

Okay, guys, we're going
to fucking battle, right?

We're gonna protect our friends,
our family. Let's go!

I'm gonna protect the kitchen.
I'm gonna stay here, but you got this.

-Come on, let's go. You got this.
-[gangster] Yeah.

[Dumbass Tony] You've got this.
I believe in you.

Okay, guys. There's no "I" in "team."

Remember to lean on each other
if you get scared. I'm right here, okay?

Guarding the-- Oh, hey, Mike.

-Hey, Dumbass.
-Dude, you missed a hell of a party.

Until they started shooting.
Then it got scary.

-Yeah.
-Wait,

Jimmy Boy said you were the rat?

Oh, no, no, no, no. [laughs]
That was just a misunderstanding.

-Oh, thank God.
-Yeah.

I really wanna believe you,
but I'm gonna play it safe, okay?

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Mike, I'm sorry. Did I hit you?
I mean, I hope I did,

but I'm sorry anyway.

-What's-- Oh, shit. No!
-[grenade rattles]

[explosion]

[♪ energetic rock music playing,
Andrew W.K. "She is Beautiful"]

[gun shots]

[groans]

-[gangster 1 groans]
-[gangster 2 grunts]

[gunshot]

[gangster 2 groans]

-[Mike grunts]
-[gangster 3 yelps]

[groans]

[screaming]

[grunts]

-[man 1 exclaims]
-[Future Nick exclaims]

[man 2 groans]

[man 2 yells in pain]

-[grunts]
-[yells in pain]

-[whimpers]
-[Present Nick grunts]

[both grunting]

[groans]

-[Future Nick grunts]
-[groans loudly]

[grunting]

[gangster 4 grunts]

-[gangster 5 grunts loudly]
-[grunts, groans]

[groaning]

-[grunts]
-[groans]

[panting]

[laughs]

-[Present Nick whistles]
-Huh?

-[groans]
-[baseball bat clatters]

[grunts]

[grunting]

Whoa!

[♪ rock music continues playing]

[screaming in pain]

Come on. Let's go. Time to fuck. Come on.

Oh, fuck.

Hey, Nick!

[groans, thuds]

[bottle clinking]

So much for staying in the car.

-Yeah, I got a little antsy.
-Appreciate the help.

No sweat.

[gun cocks]

Adiós, motherfucker!

[gun cocks]

[♪ intense music playing]

[grunts]

Whoa! Whoa.

[grunting, groans]

[guns fires]

Oh, come on. You killed the deejay?

We'll go for Sosa. Handle Jimmy Boy.

[Jimmy Boy] Whoa.

Come on.

I can't fuck because of you, Mike!

I'm not sure I know
what that means, Jimmy Boy.

I just wanna fuck, Mike!

[bodyguard] Nick, stay where you are.

Put your guns down.

[gun shots]

Nick, you fucking traitor.

[door whirring]

[door whirring]

[♪ intense music continues playing]

This isn't personal, Jimmy Boy.
This had to be done.

I fucking hate rats, Mike.

Except for the one from that movie
where it was cooking stuff.

-Ratatouille?
-Yeah, Ratatouille, Mike.

I'm not the rat, Jimmy Boy.
It was Jackie Napalm.

[laughs sarcastically]

That's not fucking cool, Mike.

Jackie Napalm was my boy.
He was a real one.

Sosa's on the move.

-[gun cocks]
-[shell rattles]

[gun shots]

[Jimmy Boy] I'm coming for you, Dad!

[groans]

All right. [panting]

Let her go, Sosa.

Where's my son?

Uh, I thought he was out here with you.

[broken glass clinking]

[Jimmy Boy groaning]

Jimmy Boy?

Can someone explain to me

how the fuck there's two Nicks?

Dad.

[thuds]

Jimmy Boy!

Jimmy Boy!

What have you done?

Well, I didn't make him jump
out the window.

[Sosa] You've ruined fuckin' everything.

-Everything!
-[whimpers]

What do I even have now?

You couldn't possibly understand.

You don't know what it's like
to raise a child on your own.

A single parent,
wanting only the best for him.

We get it.

-You're Lorelai and he's Rory.
-Mmm-hmm.

Lorelai and Rory?

The Gilmore Girls?

-That's right.
-The Gilmore Girls.

That's kind of you to say.

-[gasps]
-But Jimmy Boy's gone now.

And somebody's gotta pay.

[Future Nick] I agree with you, Sosa.

A hundred percent.

If you're gonna kill somebody...

it should be me.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Sosa, we're all here
because we've made mistakes.

Mike never should have been
a gangster in the first place.

Alice and I
never should've gotten married.

And Jimmy Boy
never should've jumped out of that window.

Hell, I made more than one mistake.

I made a lot of 'em.

I never should have framed
Mike to be the rat.

This thing is my responsibility.

So, go ahead, Sosa.

Take your grief out on me.

I deserve it.

Well, I got a better idea.

I'm gonna wanna kill
whoever's gonna make you hurt the most.

And that looks like Quick Draw.

-[gun fires]
-[yelps]

[Alice, breath trembling] Oh, shit.

[gun clatters]

[gasps]

Quick Draw Alice.

[groans]

[♪ ominous music playing]

[groans]

[groaning]

-Nick?
-[Present Nick groans]

Oh, you stupid son of a bitch.

[Present Nick] I think I'm okay.

-Fuck this. Quick, Nick.
-[groans]

Oh, shit. Nick.

Present Nick.

[engine accelerating]

[tires screech]

You're okay. You're doing great.

Hang in there, bud.

All right? We'll get you fixed up soon.

How far are we from the hospital?

-Uh, four miles.
-Okay.

This is good.

Do we have some fuckin' music
or something?

-[Mike] Yeah, whatever you want.
-Put on a fuckin' song?

Yeah, yeah. I got you.

Here. Don't worry, I got it.

[Mike] Whatever you want, brother.
Whatever you want.

[Future Nick] Here we go. Here we go.

-Yeah.
-Yeah? [chuckles]

[♪ Oasis "Don't Look Back in Anger"
playing]

-This song.
-You didn't do that, did you? Fuck off.

-Try to breathe. Relax. You got it.
-Okay.

Nice and easy.

♪ Slip inside the eye of your mind ♪

♪ Don't you know you might find ♪

[singing along weakly]
♪ A better place to stay ♪

♪ You said that you'd never been ♪

♪ But all the things that you've seen ♪

That's good.

♪ Will slowly fade away ♪

[Future Nick and Present Nick]
♪ So I start a revolution from my bed ♪

♪ Said the brains I had went to my head ♪

[joins in]
♪ Step outside the summertime's in bloom ♪

Here we go.

♪ Stand up beside the fireplace ♪

♪ Take that look from off your face ♪

♪ 'Cause you ain't ever gonna burn ♪

♪ My heart out ♪

[Future Nick] All right,
Nick, let me hear you.

♪ And so Sally can wait ♪

♪ She knows it's too late ♪

-♪ While we're walking on by ♪
-♪ As we're walking on by ♪

[chuckles] That's good.

[all singing along]
♪ Her soul slides away ♪

♪ But don't look back in anger ♪

♪ I heard you say ♪

[chuckles]

-You're such a shit singer, Nick.
-Yeah, you sound like garbage, brother.

[Future Nick] I thought you sounded great.

You're doing great.

All right, we got one more.

Keep singing with me.
Keep singing with me.

Nick, keep singing with me.

Nick, keep singing. Okay?

We're gonna make it.

[group singing along]
♪ So Sally can wait ♪

♪ She knows it's too late ♪

♪ As we're walking on by ♪

♪ Her soul slides away ♪

♪ But don't look back in anger ♪

♪ I heard you say ♪

[Alice]
♪ And so Sally can wait ♪

♪ She knows it's too late ♪

♪ As she's walking on by ♪

[Alice breath trembling]

♪ Her soul slides away ♪

[Alice sniffles]

♪ But don't look back in anger ♪

[Alice] Okay. Okay.

Okay.

[engine stops, tires screech]

♪ At least not today ♪

[chuckles softly]

[sniffles]

[Alice sobbing softly]

[Alice continues sobbing softly]

[laughs]

We can fix this.

What?

We can fix this.

Sweetie...

Nick is gone. And he's not coming back.

The time machine blew up.

The only guy who could fix it is dead.
I know this is hard to accept.

But this was our only shot.

But...

But why can't we just use the other one?

The other one?

Oh.

Oh, boy.

Oh.

I thought you knew.

Well, I guess it makes sense.
Symon was my friend.

-There's another time machine?
-Yes.

[♪ intriguing house music playing]

♪ ...call on me ♪

♪ Call on me, Valerie ♪

[door clanking]

Does it come with an instruction manual?

[Alice] No, we'll be fine.

If Nick could use it,
fuckin' anybody could. [chuckles]

All right. Time for round two.

♪ I'm the same boy I used to be ♪

♪ Call on me, call on me ♪

♪ Call on me, Valerie ♪

♪ Come and see me ♪

♪ I'm the same boy I used to be ♪

♪ So cool, she was like ♪

♪ Jazz on a summer's day ♪

♪ Music, high and sweet ♪

♪ Then she just blew away ♪

♪ Valerie, call on me ♪

♪ Call on me, Valerie ♪

♪ Come and see me ♪

♪ I'm the same boy I used to be ♪

♪ I'm the same ♪

Okay, this feels like
a bit of an overreaction.

[Present Nick] Nobody likes
to be talked to like that.

And I want you to say it with me.
You ready?

The customer's always right. Try it.

-"The customer's always right"?
-Say it again.

-"The customer's always right."
-Are you the customer?

-Am I the customer?
-You're the customer.

So, who's right?

-You're right.
-The customer wants...

Sugar-free candy?

Sugar-free candy.

You guys, um...

You guys here for the sex?

[laughs] Yeah. Yeah.

Me, too. [laughs]

Just you guys or...

Get in here and you'll see what we've got.

[Jimmy Boy] Yeah.

[clears throat]

Oh!

Forgot the waters.

[grunts, laughs]

I'm gonna go grab--
You guys need any waters?

I like being wet.

Wow. [chuckles awkwardly] Okay.
So, I'm gonna just, uh... I'm gonna--

I'll grab the waters real quick.

You guys just hang tight, okay?
Yeah. [laughs]

-Here you go.
-[man] Thank you so much.

[grunts, laughs]

I wanna tell you a couple things
while I have you.

One, the name's Symon. It's with a "Y."

So, S-Y-M-O-N.

Two, I'm an inventor,
so I guess that's pretty cool, right?

Three, I'm creating a device
that will change the fucking world.

Everything that you know will change
when this comes out, so...

Four, love lists. I love lists.

[Sosa] Come to the house.
We'll have a drink.

How about, even better,

when I come to your house,

we have a drink and toast
to the fact that we're gonna kill him?

Then why don't we have a second toast
after we kill him?

And then we'll have
a third toast at his funeral.

And then how about we have a toast

every year, for the rest
of our fuckin' lives,

-toasting the blood leaving Mike's body?
-[Sosa laughing]

I like that. Yeah, that's it.
[laughs]

To that ratfuck.

God, I wish Jackie Napalm were here.

Why do you always bring him up
in the worst times?

Because he is one of my friend, bro.
You would've loved him.

He was. He was a real one.

RIP, Jackie! We love you!
This one's for you!

[yelling excitedly]

That's how we do it.

So, who are you fighting?

I'm fighting the money, baby.

Fight the real enemy.
In here, bro. In here.

I'm never coming to the strip club
with you ever again.

The Barron likes
to take his victims alive.

He took me alive last time?

[Mike] Oh, God!

Help!

[grunts]

[laughs, groans]

[♪ electronic music playing]

[♪ electronic music continues playing]