All language subtitles for In.Treatment.S02E34.1080p.Web-Rip.DD5.1.x264-CasStudio_track3_[eng]

Woman:
I came home from work
A little late,

But I brought dinner--

Vegetarian--

And she wasn't there.

Once again, anita,
What you're saying is

That you got so caught up
In your work life

That elaine couldn't help
But feel excluded.

- and, elaine...
- ( knock on door )

...The moment that
You felt shunted aside,

You ran back
To your family.

Exactly.

It feels like you're kind of
Locked in this cycle

- that's very diff--
- ( knocks on door )

- hello, paul.
- walter, you're a little early,

And we're still
In session.

Oh, jeez.
I'm sorry.

I-- I'll come back.

Thank you.

So-- I'm sorry,
Where were we?

Locked in a cycle.

( theme music playing )

I'm sorry
About earlier.

It happens.

I didn't realize how many
Fellow patients there were.

You're busy all the time,
Aren't you?

So they finally released me
Monday afternoon.

Thank you for your help.

Connie and natalie
Picked me up.

We headed straight out
For the bay.

I have
A few shacks there--

That connie likes
To call a compound--

On shelter island.

We drove up--
A warm day,

First southerly wind
Of the new year.

It was a beautiful day
On monday.

It's amazing when
The cold finally breaks.

Oh, everything was
So muddy, though.

They're a few weeks
Behind the city weatherwise.

The snow had just melted

And the ground
Was just soaked.

I imagine it felt good
To be outside,

Especially after
The last few weeks.

You could say that.

But... It didn't?

Well, no,
The air felt great.

It's just that
Connie and natalie--

They were just so...

Tentative with me.

There's a separate studio
Near the main house

That I've used
As an office sometimes,

Or sometimes just to--

For a little peace and quiet
When the kids were younger.

I wanted to go there
But they kept asking me why.

Was there anything you needed
To do in your office?

Well, take care
Of some bills.

But mostly I just wanted
To be by myself.

I just wanted to have
A little peace.

That's unusual for you.

Well, connie's a talker--

She's always been
A talker--

And I guess
Over the years

I've learned
How to tune it out.

But this time
You didn't.

Well, something
About her pitch--
It just bothered me.

So I went
To the office,

And a few minutes later
I looked up

And there's natalie

Spying on me from her
Bedroom window.

She's still on duty.

Yeah, like I was a little boy
That someone had to babysit.

You told me once

That when you were
A little boy yourself,

You were the one on duty
With your parents.

Oh, I didn't do
That much,

Just kept an eye
On things.

Really it's nothing even
Worth talking about.

So what did you do
When you saw natalie

Keeping an eye on you?

I glared.

Then about 10 minutes later
She brought me some tea

Which I hadn't asked for.

And she asked if she could
Just sit with me.

And how was that?

Brief.
She's my daughter.

I don't go to her
With my problems.

You have a good relationship
With her, though.

You wrote to her
Almost every day

When she was in rwanda.

I imagine
She'd worry less

If you talked to her
A little bit more

About what's been
Going on with you.

Well, I just didn't
Feel like talking.

So I went to the shed

And got this immense
Pair of clippers

And, oh, I started
Hacking away

At the brush
Down by the water,

Limbing the trees
And paring down the bushes.

God, tore my hands up
Something terrible.

All that brush-clearing--

It's kind of like

What we've been
Doing in here.

You lost me on that one.

In the sense
That we've been working

On clearing paths,
Opening up your view

Of how you got
To where you are.

So when you mentioned
This week's thaw,

It made me think of the way
Our last session ended.

You know,
Between the pills

And the therapists
I saw at the hospital,

I'm not sure I even
Remember that one.

You really don't remember?

I find that striking,

Given how emotional
A moment that was.

Well, I know
We talked about

Getting me out
Of the cuckoo's nest.

And I showed you
My pot holder.

Then I got angry about you
Bringing up connie's rehab.

I meant after that,

When we talked about
The two walters--

The one who you knew
And the one you didn't know.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

You seemed quite moved

When we talked about
Reconnecting to the lost walter.

Well, I might have
Teared up a bit,

But I was tired

And there's been
A lot of stress.

I understand that,
But my memory is

That you didn't
Just tear up.

You were actually sobbing.

What is it, walter?
Where did you go?

I just remembered
A dream I had this week.

Mr. Donaldson called me in
For a meeting.

Only it wasn't
In an office.

It was--

It was in an old garage.

I went in,
We shook hands

And he told me
They'd traced

The source
Of the contamination

And that it wasn't
Anything we'd done wrong.

Some nut job

Deliberately tampering
With the product

And then putting it
Back on shelf.

Go on.

I felt vindicated.

And then the old man did
Something he never did--

He apologized.

He said that
Letting go of me

Was the biggest mistake
He'd ever made,

That he wanted me
To take my old job back.

You'd be walter barnett,
C.E.O., again.

I tried to answer,

But I couldn't speak.

I--

I opened my mouth,

But I couldn't
Get any words out.

I woke up in a sweat.

I kept trying

To dive back into the dream,
But I couldn't get there.

You wanted to finish
The conversation?

What did you make
Of that dream?

Well, I guess
I still want to think

The whole mess
Never happened.

I want my old life back.

Do you?

Because you said
You couldn't get any words out.

Is it possible
That you weren't sure

If you wanted to go back?

No, probably just
Bargaining.

Could be.
Or perhaps now

With a little distance
You have a greater sense

Of the enormous strain
You've been under for so long.

It never used to feel
Like a strain.

That's right.

I think you genuinely
Didn't feel it.

You've become
Exceptionally adept

At overriding
Your feelings.

That's what we were beginning
To talk about last week.

Do you remember?

Right,

How the weak walter
Couldn't handle the stress.

Did you think about
That walter this week?

The lost boy?

No, not really.

You did make me think
About my father.

Your father?

How did I do that?

Just before,
When I came early

And I walked in on you,

You just had a look
On your face

That reminded me of him.

Ter tommy--
- in what way?
- a

After the accident,

He couldn't sleep
Nights anymore.

Insomnia?

Yeah, and he started

To work
The graveyard shift.

And when he'd come home
From the factory,

He didn't want
To wake up my mother,

So he'd go to sleep
On the couch.

And I'd come downstairs

And I'd want to talk
To him, you know,

About-- I don't know--
The day before,

What happened at school.

And there was that look.

Can you describe it?

"How the hell
Do I get rid of you

Without making you
Feel bad?"

Come on, listen,
It's okay.

Really, you were busy.

If it had been my session
And somebody walked in,

I would have been
Pissed off.

Still, you felt rejected,

Even abandoned.

No, I was early.

Right, the same way

You were too early
For your dad.

Work comes first.

That's life.

My mother didn't see
Much of him either.

She got used to it.

She'd come home
From the hospital--

She was a nurse--

And I'd fix her
An old-fashioned.

We'd eat.

I'd fix her another.

I had to get the cherry and
The orange wedge just right.

Then she'd go
In her bedroom.

I was always nervous

That she'd fall asleep

While she was
Smoking in bed,

So I'd check in on her

And make sure
All the ashtrays were out.

That's a lot of responsibility
For a young boy.

Oh, listen, they were--

You can't blame her--

Either of them.

Their lives were ruined.

I don't think there's
Any need to blame them

In order to understand
Your loneliness.

They were too grief-stricken
To take care of me.

I had to put away
My childish things.

Actually, I think
The verse is,

"When I became a man,
I put away childish things."

You were still a boy.

A lot of kids
Had it worse.

Do you remember
Any good times?

Did the three of you
Spend time together?

Not so much.

On weekends he was always
Tinkering with his car.

That thing was
A real money pit.

Did you have a garage?

Oh, yeah. I used to
Peek in on him.

And he didn't let you in?

After a while
I figured out

How to stand on a garbage can
And look through the window.

It turned out,
Most of the time

He wasn't working
On the car.

He was staring

At a picture of tommy
On the wall.

One time he saw me.

It was terrible.

You wanted
To connect with him,

But you felt
He didn't want you there.
Is that it?

The boys used to spy on me
The same way

When I worked on weekends.

They'd want to play
Or go swimming,

And I always had
Work to do.

I probably gave them
The same look.

Maybe that's why
We don't have anything
To talk about now.

You know, walter,
It's not too late for you
To get to know them

And for them
To get to know you.

No, I don't think
They'd be interested.

Maybe they feel, I don't know,
Intimidated by you,

Repairing those relationships
Is something that we can
Work on in here.

I said I don't think
They're interested.

You were interested
In talking to your father

About what you saw
In that garage.

In fact, you're still
Dreaming about it.

We never discussed it.

A few years later
We moved

To the next
Coal town over.

My mother
Didn't want to go,

But my father thought
It would be better

To start over again
In a new place

Without tommy's presence
Hovering over everything.

And how did you feel
About it?

They didn't ask me.

It must be hard,
As a child,

To know what your
Feelings are when you're
Not asked about them.

You know, for awhile there
After we moved,

I'd run away

Back to the old home.

I'd get on my bike
And I'd just go there,

I don't know, to check
If tommy was waiting for us.

Go figure out a child.

What would you do
When you visited?

Nothing.

I'd just sit there
For hours, waiting.

And, well, he never
Came back, of course.

I wonder if maybe
You didn't go back

Just to look for tommy.

Maybe there was someone else
You were looking for.

Who?

The boy that you were
Before tommy was killed.

Maybe the old house
Was the only place

You could let yourself
Feel your losses

And find intimacy

With something
That was gone--

With your dead brother

And your memories.

There was nothing there
For you, walter,

And there was nothing
In the new home

Except duty, loneliness.

Don't worry,

I'm not gonna cry.

I know how uncomfortable
That made you.

Is that how you thought
I reacted, walter,
To last week?

Oh, come on, paul.

You don't need
To pretend.

I know I've been
A basket case in here.

I know how that
Disgusted you.

Why would
I feel like that?

I'm a grown man.

I'm not a six-year-old.

And men don't cry.

Maybe they do now.

But when I became a man,
They didn't.

Was that what your father
Taught you?

He didn't have to.
Where I grew up,

A boy wouldn't be
Caught dead crying.

How about when tommy died?
Did you cry then?

I was upset.

I knew it was my fault.

Maybe I started
To tremble.

Maybe I started to cry.

Yeah yeah.

Because the old man,
I remember,

Picked me up
And shook me hard.

"Don't you dare,"
He said,

"In front of your mother.

( emphatically )
Don't you ever."

Do you think
That's when you started

To maybe shut down
A little?

You mean that
Other walter of yours?

Maybe it's not really fair
To call him

"The other walter."

The truth is,
He's a part of you--

A part of you that was
Split off and neglected

For a very long time.

I was doing fine
Without him

All this time,
Wasn't I?

You did more than fine.

You accomplished great things
In your life, walter.

So why is this split
A bad thing?

Well, it can be hard
To live your life,

To be genuinely fulfilled,

When a part
Of your true self

Is locked away.

I think that what happened was
That the other part of you--

The part that took
Responsibility,

That shouldered
All these burdens--

That's the part
That got rewarded

Early and often.

Okay.

The more you took on,
The more praise you got.

Your dad
Must have been relieved

Not to have to worry
About his wife.

And your mom--
I can imagine

How important you felt

Just knowing that
You were her lifeline.

She was tricky.

We were always
Walking on eggshells.

My father and I
Didn't even tell her

I was going to vietnam

Until two or three days
Before I left.

And you were a hero
In vietnam as well.

James donaldson
Was the hero.

I just did my part.

But I'm sure you were
A natural leader.

In the chaos of the war

People must have
Looked to you,

And they were right
To do so.

You'd been trained
From an early age to step up.

It helped me survive.

It's always helped you
Survive, walter,

Even thrive.

It's how you rose
To the top of your field.

Except that it wasn't really
Your field, was it?

What do you mean?

It was james's.

Have you ever wondered why
You spent your working life

Building the donaldsons'
Family business?

Was it just another rescue
That you took on,

Like the way
You nursed your mother

Or your wife?

See, that's the paradox--

You've been rewarded
For so long

For your grace
Under fire

That you just don't think

You're of any value
To anybody

Unless you're in that role.

Now that
You've launched them,

Your boys don't want
To get to know you.

Natalie was done with you.

I don't want
To see you at the door.

The only way
To feel not rejected

Is to carry the weight

And to keep carrying it,

Even though your mind
And your body

Are screaming
At you to stop.

Well, I've stopped now,
Haven't I?

Walter barnett,
The c.E.O.--

He's gone.

He came to you
With a sleeping problem,

And within weeks
His life was in shambles.

I think we both understand

That by the time
You came to see me

There was no way
To prevent the crash.

You knew I was headed
For this?

The walter you knew,
The hero--

He staved it off
As long as humanly possible.

If he could have
Held it together this time,

He would have.

Well, it doesn't matter
Either way, does it?

We both know
What you're telling me.

What is that?

I missed it.

What did you miss?

My life.

Isn't that
What you're saying?

I'm 68 years old,

And I haven't lived
One moment of my life

For myself.

What the hell am I
Supposed to do with that?

Are you going
To say anything?

Just that I think
That now is the time

To stop taking care
Of everybody else, walter,

And start reconnecting
To yourself.

Was this your plan
All along--

To break me down
So that I'd become
Dependent on you?

This would not have been
My conscious choice for you

Any more than it was yours.

But the defenses
That held you together
Your whole life--

They just finally
Wore out.

You have two choices now.

We can try
To wrap you back up,

Work on simple
Behavioral changes.

And you and I can both talk

To your psychopharmacologist,

Get you back to managing things
The way you always have.

It's a valid approach.

Or?

There's a more
Challenging route.

If we can keep going,
Doing the work that we do,

Even at this stage
Of your life

I know that you
Can achieve

A new way of being

With connie, with natalie
And the boys,

But most importantly,
With yourself.

And we can keep exploring
Those parts of yourself

That we've just begun
To discover.

I'm an old dog, paul.

70 isn't old, walter.

It will take work--

Genuine introspection.

And you'll have to come
More often.

You really want to spend
A couple more hours a week

With an old man?

I wouldn't offer it
If I didn't think

It was worth
Your time and mine.

Why is it worth your time?

Because you've rescued
So many others,

I want to be there

When you go back
And rescue yourself.

Fine, paul.

Fine.

When do we start?

( theme music playing )