All language subtitles for In.Treatment.S02E27.1080p.Web-Rip.DD5.1.x264-CasStudio_track3_[eng]

So how was your week?

Fine.
How was yours?

It was okay.

How are you feeling
About your dad?

- april.
- what?

I'd rather talk
About you.

Surprise
Sur-fucking-prise.

I'm just worried that
What happened last weekend

May have changed
Our relationship.

We have
No relationship.

( theme music playing )

I've dumped people

For less than what
You did to me.

Are you thinking
Of dumping me?

I don't know
What I'm doing here.

Maybe you wanted
To convey your anger

Toward me in person.

Maybe I just wanted to get
Out of the hospital

- for a few hours.
- does anybody know
That you've left?

You think I just hopped
A fence or something?

Call the doctors
If you like. You're all
Such good friends now.

I'm doing fine,
So they let me out
For a few hours.

I have to
Check back in tonight.

I had to tell her.

( angrily ) why?

She's your mother
And you were delirious.

You could've waited
Until I came out of it.

And what if you never
Came out of it?

Then someone would've
Called her eventually.

You put me down
As your emergency
Contact number.

- so?
- so you empowered me
To make a decision

On your behalf if
Anything happened to you.

I had a bad fever.
It wasn't like I was
In heart failure.

You had 105.

They were packing ice
Onto you when I arrived.

I talked
To the doctors, paul.
I know what happened.

Really?

I understand that
You're angry with me,

But I didn't make
This decision lightly.

And if I had
To do it again, I would
Do exactly the same thing.

Wow.

Has my insurance
Covered everything?

You don't have to--
You don't have to
Worry about that.

Well, I'm leaving
And I'm not coming back,

- so if I owe you
Anything, speak now.
- april, please don't go.

How could you?
It was the one thing--

The one thing that
I asked you not to do!

I didn't think
It was right to let you
Lie there alone

On the brink of death.

You really don't
Understand, do you?

You don't understand
What you were to me.

What did she say

When you called?

At first, she--

She just--
She just didn't understand.

She didn't even know
You were seeing
A therapist.

I-- I asked her to meet me
At a coffee shop

So we could
Discuss it in person,

But she-- she refused.

She's paranoid.

I offered
To go to her house,
She hung up.

And I called her back
And I asked her

If she'd meet me
At the hospital
In an hour.

She showed up?

Are you surprised?

Did you meet her
In my room?

No, the lobby.

Well, how did
You recognize each other?

She looks
Just like you.

So you just
Walked up to her

And said,
"Hi, I'm paul weston.

Your daughter has stage three
Non-hodgkin's lymphoma

And she's dying
On the fourth floor."

I explained to her
That you'd come to see me

Several weeks ago
With the diagnosis
Of lymphoma

And that you'd begun
Chemotherapy.

What did she say
When you said "Cancer"?

She seemed...

Stunned.

- did she cry?
- no.

Was she angry at me?

Definitely not, no.

She hates being
The last person
To find something out.

She did have
A hard time believing

You would keep something
Like this from her.

What did
You say to that?

I told her she'd
Have to speak to you.

- how long was
This conversation?
- a couple of minutes.

It wasn't me
She wanted to see.

She wanted
To see you.

I woke up and she was
Sitting there.

I thought f--

I thought
For a moment that

I was at home

And it had all
Been a bad dream,

Like I was
Still a child,

I was sick

And my mom was
Taking care of me.

I had never grown up

And I had never gone
To school

And I had never
Gotten cancer.

I closed my eyes and...

I guess fell asleep.

When I woke up
She was still sitting there,

Glaring at me

Like I had gotten sick
Deliberately.

You broke my heart.

Worse than kyle.

I'm sorry.

That was never
My intention.

Kyle took me out
For coffee last week.

He'd been harassing me,
So I finally went

Just to shut him up,
Like "I'm still alive.

I'm in chemo.
Just leave me alone."

And he just seemed
So young to me,

Like a baby.

And I was--
I was thinking

"I don't want
A boy like you.

I want someone
Like paul-- a man."

What was it like
To see him again?

I don't want
To talk about kyle.

I brought him up bec--

Fuck it.
Never mind.

I thought
You were a man.

So today
I'm your betrayer,

But last week you were
Equally certain

That I was
Generous and good.

Can you see how
Dramatically your opinion
Of me has changed?

- yes.
- and can you make
Sense of that for me?

I guess
I never really knew you.

Or maybe
You're so angry at me

You're having a hard time
Seeing this situation

From my perspective.

Don't lecture me
On empathy.

I'm not talking
About empathy.

I'm talking
About perspective.

You feel deeply for people
Whom you believe
Are on your team

Because they are,
In your mind,

Basically extensions
Of-- of yourself.

You feel their pain
As if it's your own pain,

But you do
Have a hard time
Understanding someone

Who's approaching from
A different perspective.

You were using
Your perspective

- to fuck me over.
- I thought you were
In serious trouble

And your mother
Deserved to know.

Why? You have
No allegiance to her.

- you've never met her.
- as a father, myself--

I'll tell you
What happened--
You got scared.

You didn't want to be
My emergency contact.

- april, that--
- you didn't want
That responsibility.

If I had a patient
Who asked me not to
Call her mother,

- I would never have
Called her mother.
- you don't have children.

( exhales sharply )
It's so easy to betray you.

It's so easy
To let you down.

I make one mistake--
Not even a mistake--

One decision
That you don't agree with

And that's it for you.

I'm worthless
Because I'm weak.

Now that's a quality
You can't accept in others,

Because you can't
Accept it in yourself.

But you know that
Nobody can live up
To your standards,

Because you can't even
Live up to them.

This is life, april.

There are days
That are just

Classless and cruel,

But it is the only life
That you've got.

Leah lets me down...

All the time.

How?

Little things.

I mean, she's a flake.

She'll show up
An hour late

Or she'll forget
We made a plan at all.

But that doesn't
Bother you?

- no.
- and what's special

About your relationship
With leah?

I know she loves me.

She's known me
Since I was six--

Before I had done
Anything.

So she loved you
When you were a child.

She got inside
Before you closed
The gates.

That's so depressing.

Is it?
To have one person

Who really knows
Who you are?

I used to be
Really different.

- in what way?
- I was a total mess--

This really emotional kid.

I would cry
At the drop of a hat.

I used to write
My parents hate mail

And leave it
On their pillows
At night.

"Dear mom and dad,

These are all the things
You did today

That upset me.
Please respond."

And did they respond?

My mother would
Tell me that

I had to get tough.

I couldn't let

My emotions
Show on my face.

Yeah.

You know,
When I was in--

When I was
In grad school,

I had a professor

Who said something
I still remember.

He used to say

That for better
Or for worse,

That maturity
In modern american society

Had become synonymous

With a lack
Of emotions,

To not feel anything
Too deeply.

- that's true.
- but some people
Naturally have

More heightened
Emotional responses
Than others.

I think that you're
One of those people.

So you've
Been working hard
To change your nature,

Which is-- it's probably
A futile enterprise.

But the continual effort
To do that

Could make you
Very angry

Or insecure.

You think I'm insecure?

Do you?

Well, there's no good way

For me to answer
That question.

If I say no,
I'm a narcissist;

And if I say yes,
I'm a loser.

Well, the way I see it:
If you say no,

You're perfect;

If you say yes,

It means
You're human.

Why do you think
Your mother told you

To keep your feelings
To yourself?

She wanted to keep me
From getting hurt.

Is it possible
That it had something

To do with daniel?

What do you mean?

Daniel couldn't control
His emotions

And he became--
He became violent

When he was upset, yeah?

So maybe
A heightened emotional
Response from you--

Even though it was

An appropriate reaction
To a given circumstance--

Maybe it reminded
Your mother of daniel

And in some way
It scared her.

The world is
A messed up place.

She was just
Trying to teach me
To protect myself.

But maybe
She didn't give you time

To get to know
Yourself first,

To know who it is

That you are protecting.

You think
I don't know myself?

I think that
You've been operating
For a long time

In reaction
To your mother.

At the hospital,
She was so mad

She wouldn't
Even look at me.

She just kept coming
In and out of the room,

Bossing the doctors
Around. I just--

I just wanted
Her to leave.

Maybe she wasn't
Actually angry.

Maybe she was scared.

- it doesn't matter!
- it doesn't?

No, paul,
Not when I'm hooked up
To three I.V.S##.

The only thing that
Matters in that moment

Is that my mother
Is there

And I can't
Deal with her.

My dad came by
Later and...

He was perfect.

I mean,
I was freezing,

So he went out
And bought me
A down blanket.

And now
Whenever he comes,

He brings me
Something special.

There's this
Dark chocolate
That I love--

It weighs a ton
And I never get it
For myself.

He brought me some.

Then he sat by my bed

And held my hand

And just said, "April,

You're a strong girl.
You'll beat this."

That's all I need.

She's my mother.
Why doesn't she know that?

He sounds
Very calm, your dad.

He can be under
Certain circumstances.

Like hospitals?

What are you saying?

Well, that's what
He does for a living.

It might be easier
For your father

To give you
What you need
At the moment

Because he's had
Some practice,

But your mother...

- was out
Of her element.
- I don't understand.

Are you for this woman
Or against her?

April, everything
Doesn't have to be
Black and white.

You are so over me.

- sorry?
- you're so tired of this.

You just want this
To be done.

You want
To figure me out,
Fix my head,

So you can check me
Off your ledger.

What-- what about
My behavior gave you
That idea?

- you turned on me.
- how?

By calling my mother.

Oh, we're back
To that again.

So what I did still
Doesn't make sense to you?

What are
You talking about?

For five sessions,
All I've talked about

Is why I can't call
My mother.

I was walking down
Flatbush avenue

Burning with fever
With a nonexistent
Immune system

Trying to hail
A cab to take me
To the emergency room

And I still
Didn't call her.

You pulled rank
On me, paul.

You were like
"I've humored this chick
For too long.

I'm the adult.
I'm gonna call
The other adults

So we can
Figure out how to--

How to fuck up
The world together."

You don't think
Of yourself as an adult?

I guess I am.

But do you want to be?

Not really.

Maybe that's
Because you barely
Had time to be a child.

Your work here
Is done.

No, our work here
Is only beginning.

Well, you're wrong.

You can
Check me off now--

I'm in chemo,
My mother knows.

Whatever.

You keep using
The term "Check me off."

Does that mean
Anything to you?

My mother used
To write a check

On the back of my hand
Whenever I did a good deed

Or aced a test
Or something.

She said I loved it
When I was little.

But something changed
As you got older.

I just--

It felt like she was

You know,
Checking me off,

Like "April's fine.
She's got a check.

Don't need to worry
About april."

I got so tired
Of those goddamn checks,

- I stopped
Telling her things.
- like what?

I don't know. I--

I'd raise money
For autism research
By running a 10k.

But you wouldn't
Tell her.

No, she'd find out later

From a teacher
Or school newspaper.

Can you give me
Another example?

When leah's mom
Was dying,

Leah couldn't handle it,
Neither could her dad,

So I was over
At their house
Three times a week

Helping out--
Just buying groceries,
Making dinner.

But again
Your mother didn't know
Anything about this.

Well, she found out
At the funeral.

Leah's dad came up to her.

It seems like
You wanted your mother
To know these things,

But you didn't want
To tell her.

Maybe.

And what would happen
If she found out?

I was
Her little hero,

Her saving grace.

Her perfect child.

April,
Is it possible

That I've become
Part of that pattern?

- what?
- you got cancer.

You decided
To fight it alone,

Just as you've
Always done.

You didn't tell your mother,
But you came to see me.

You told me,

Because maybe you knew
On some level

That I would eventually
Tell your mother...

And you would
Become her hero...

Again.

That is so fucked up.

I don't think
It is, april.

I think
You saved yourself

The only way
You know how.

I thought the cancer
Would clean me out

Of all this bullshit.

I thought I would
Finally stop obsessing

Over how to be
The best at everything

And all the reasons
I should hate myself

And everyone else.

I thought I would

Finally start
To think about
The big picture, but...

It's just gotten darker
Inside my head.

I don't believe
In anything anymore.

I don't believe
In love or...

My mother...

Or my body...

Or you.

Because of all
This stupid therapy,

I don't even believe
In myself anymore.

I literally have no idea

Why I should get out
Of bed in the morning.

That's not

A bad place

To begin, april.

Do you remember
The dream that
We talked about last week?

The one where
I was dying?

Except that I think
That dream

Could actually
Have been about...

Rebirth,

About saying goodbye
To the old self

To make room
For the new.

I could
Just be dying.

When will you
Get the results
Of the blood test?

I told you--
End of the week.

Then you'll know for sure
If the chemo's working?

Yup.

Will you let me know
The results as soon
As you get them?

- sure.
- thank you.

Are we done here?

If you want
To keep on talking...

Not really.

C-- can you help me up?

Sure.

( theme music playing )