Original subtitles

Pickin' cotton in the mornin', pickin' chicken in the

evenin'. Run up and down that cot back, pick me a bed in a burlap sack with a

cotton pickin' chicken picker.

Steepin' in the cold rain, ride, ride, ride that freight

train. Grab that root, good boy, root.

Down by the river we'll cook his goose with a cotton pickin' chicken picker.

Pickin' cotton in the mornin'. Pickin' chicken in the evenin'.

Mama didn't raise no late son.

You need to take out the thumb with a cotton pickin' chicken picker.

Sleeping in the cold rain, ride, ride, ride that freight

train. Grab that rooster before he roosts, down by the river, look who gets

for the cotton -picking chicken pickers.

Picking cotton in the morning, picking chicken in the evening.

Mama didn't raise no lazy son, you hitchhike, I'll stick out my thumb with

cotton. picking chicken pickers.

Hey, Dorff, there's a train. Let's go.

Sunny California, here we come.

Sunny Florida, here we come.

Don't get that straw all dirty. We may wind up eating it pretty soon if we

get something to eat.

Darby, you worry too much. What you gotta learn to do is just relax.

Relax, you say.

If I'd have had my way, Jerry, I'd have let that law back there catch us. At

least we could be in jail getting three meals a day.

Where's your initiative, boy?

Do you want to become a ward of the government?

And think of the shame of it all.

Well, it's come to the point where my stomach knows no shame.

Just hunger pains.

You know how it is, old friend.

A fella has temporary reverses and financial embarrassments.

Now, how about it?

You got any sparrows in that feed box of yours?

There's nothing in here but hay. Oh, well, thanks anyway.

Would you mind saying that again?

I said there's nothing in here but hay.

I wish I did have something to offer you.

I've had a few hungry days myself, and I know how it is.

Man, you like scared me to death.

I thought I was having hallucinations there for a minute.

I hope you don't mind our sharing quarters with you and your friends

not at all. We're on our way to Miami for the track season.

Looks like some mighty fine horse flesh.

Jerry, don't talk about food.

You know, you've got a good eye, mister.

These two are really going to tear him up at the tracks this year.

If you're a betting man, you can get rich quick by putting your money on

Especially this fellow right here.

We call him Coming On Strong.

Coming On Strong, huh?

That's right.

Just think of the song, you'll remember his name.

If you're going to sing, make it loud.

Maybe you can drown out the growl in my stomach.

Yeah.

Ever since you've been gone, they've been coming on strong.

Pain.

Pain. Come on in.

Come on in.

A hell of sorrow.

I see your back.

And since you're here, the time's seen just by.

To let you know that you're gonna be with me till I lose my mind.

You've been gone much too long.

And I can feel the heart.

What a smooth finish.

Hey, Jerry.

Just past the state line.

We're in Florida.

Give me something new for me.

I ain't ever starved in Florida before.

Well, by tomorrow morning, we'll be in Miami. I'll borrow a couple of bucks.

Head for the racetrack. And before you know it, we'll be rolling in dough.

Yeah? Well, right now, I'd settle for a slice of blown -in two pieces of bread.

I'll say one thing for Florida.

The air out there smells better than it does back there.

No offense, ma 'am.

Darby? Darby!

Come here!

Oh, come here!

Oh, oh.

What's so funny?

This thing's supposed to grab mail sacks, not people.

Well, I guess it made a grab for the first sad sack that came along.

Get me down!

Then the traveling salesman says, That lets me out, mister, because I ain't

never been west of Georgia in my whole life.

Well,

what'd the farmer's daughter say then, Cousin Urie?

What do you mean, what'd she say then?

That's a joke, Elwood.

Travel salesman never been west of Georgia. That's the funny part.

Yeah, well, that's a pretty funny joke, Cousin Jerry. You got any more like it?

I

wonder

where in Florida we are.

And I don't know, but this must be the bottom.

I do, do, do, do, do.

I do, do, do, do, do.

I do, do, do, do, do.

Well, I lost my job, ain't got a dime.

All I need is shape and I need is shine.

Oh, I'm all hungover, got a mouth full of cotton.

Yes, I'm right.

This must be the bottom.

If this is the bottom, well, okay, I figured I'd make it someday.

I had high hopes, but she sure shot them.

I guess I've arrived, this must be the bottom.

Do -do -do -do -do.

Do -do -do -do -do.

Do -do -do -do -do.

Do -do -do -do -do.

Well,

I smoke old butts and I beg my dough And if you need any troubles

Well, boys, I've got them Yes, I'm right This

must be the bottom If this is the bottom Well, okay, I

figured I'd make it someday

I had high hopes that she sure shot them.

I guess I've arrived. This must be the bottom.

Do -do -do -do -do.

Oh, this must be the bottom.

Because the only way I seize up, and all these convicts look really down here to

me. Anybody got a dime for a cup of coffee?

Oh, I hear the sound of a band coming.

And they're coming after me.

Oh, me.

Here, the one about the dentist who says to his patient, your teeth are perfect,

but them gums has got to come out.

No,

I don't believe I have heard that one. Could you tell me it?

I just did.

He said, your teeth are perfect, but the gum's got to come out. Don't you get

it? Don't you see? How can that fellow remove the fellow's gums without taking

his teeth out, too?

My granny, she got me.

I know better than to tell you fellas jokes.

You ain't got no sense of humor.

I never saw so much nothing bunched up in one place in all my life.

Jerry, where in the world are we?

You got me, Darb.

Hey, sounds like we're in luck.

I hear somebody coming.

I hope you guys ain't waiting for the bus because it stopped running about a

week ago.

Well, to tell you the truth, mister, my buddy and I are just plain lost.

Could you tell us where we are? Oh, sure, sure.

Well, would you?

Would I what?

Tell us where we are.

Oh, just Beals Corners, Hoover County, Florida.

Beals Corners, Hoover County, Florida. Right. That's where we are, huh? That's

where we are? That's where we are. You know what, Chief? What? I still don't

know where we're at.

Look, maybe you could just tell us, how do we go to get to town?

Oh, right down the road there.

Right straight down that road, huh?

What? I say town is right straight down that road.

It is?

Well, you just told me it is. Well, I ought to know, because I deliver the

in this area seven days a week.

And there ain't nothing about this whole county I don't know about.

Right back in my head.

Look, let me ask you something. You wouldn't be going into town by any

yourself, would you?

Would I?

Well, I don't know.

I guess so. To deliver the mail, I guess I'd go to town.

Brother, this has got to be the prize ding -a -ling of all time.

Say, how'd a fellow like you ever get to be a mailman?

Oh, I don't know. A special talent, I guess, that people like.

What's that?

See, I can't read nothing but numbers. That way they don't worry about me

looking at their postcards or peeking into their letters.

That makes sense, if you think about it. Look, mister... Just call me Champ.

Everybody else does.

Okay, Champ. Not Chump. Champ.

See, I used to be a fighter.

If you don't believe me, I'll lie down. Maybe you'll recognize me.

Okay, yeah. And besides that, Sylvie's my real name, but nobody knows that.

Well, you can trust us. We won't tell anyone.

Huh? We won't tell anyone.

Tell anyone what?

That your real name is Sylvia.

How did you know about that?

It's a long story. Look, could you just give us a lift into town?

I'm sorry.

This is United States Mail Truck, and I can't take no passengers unless you're

an official post office business.

Oh, we are. We are. You see, we're going into town to buy stamps.

Oh, good. Then drop in. Be my guest.

Something that looks exactly like my mother -in -law. Except for the

I ain't got no mustache.

I ain't got no mother -in -law either.

What

are

you stopping here for?

The Elwood crossing.

Elwood what?

The Elwood crossing about five seconds from now.

Four, three, two, one.

Here he is now.

So that's what an Elwood is.

Oh, yes, Chief.

I'd stake my life on it. That's an Elwood if I've ever seen one.

Who's he?

Elwood Beale. He comes here every evening at the same time on his way to

Zickerfuss' chicken farm.

Him and Ned play checkers every night. Did you say chicken farm?

I don't know. Did I?

Say, where is this fellow Ned's chicken farm?

Oh, down the road about a quarter of a mile.

Well, I'll read you loud and clear, Chief.

Champ, it's been an unforgettable ride.

If this is a dream, don't wait.

I can smell the chicken frying now. Come on. Where do you think you're going?

That's not a free lunch counter, you know. Well, come on.

How much money you got?

Are you kidding?

That makes us even.

That's just about as much as I've got. Nothing.

But there's no use for us to get shot, either.

Now, the sun will be down in about an hour or so, so let's just relax until

then.

Relax? Relax, you tell me. If I don't get something to eat pretty soon, I'm

going to be relaxed forever.

Well, I got you this time, Cousin Elwood.

Why don't you just come on and admit it now and give up.

Right here, Ma.

Oh.

Oh, I didn't know you was to bed already.

I just didn't have anything else to do, Ma.

Oh, I thought all your crowd was going to the barn dance tonight.

That's right, Ma.

Everybody.

But not me.

Everybody's living and laughing and loving, not me.

Everybody's parkin' and a -sparkin' in the dark, but not me.

My sweet baby just turned me loose.

I ain't had time to find nobody new.

Everybody's livin' and a -laughin' and a -lovin', not me.

Everybody, not me.

I can't remember ever doin' anything to hurt you.

I can't remember any time that I didn't love you.

My old proud afraid I may start crying out loud.

Everybody's living and laughing and loving, not me.

Everybody, not me.

Everybody's living and laughing and loving, not me.

Everybody's screaming and dancing and shouting, not me.

I've been a -tremlin' and a -bitin' my lips, waitin' for my heartache to be

with. Everybody's livin' and a -laughin' and a -lovin', not me.

Everybody, not me.

I can't remember ever doin' anything to him.

I can't remember any time that I didn't love him.

I'll stay away from the old crowd.

Afraid I may start crying and laughing.

Everybody's living and they're laughing and they're loving. Not me.

Everybody's not me.

That sure was pretty, honey.

But don't you stay up all night listening to that radio.

I won't, Mom.

Good night, honey.

Good night, Mom.

This bunch over here. Let me at him. Let me over.

Chasing breakers!

Uncle Ned!

Uncle Ned!

Uncle Ned!

Uncle Ned!

I just called back... Just be quiet, will you, if I only... Whatever it is

wait. Good hell, we're here trapped.

Been sitting there like that for the last 45 minutes.

Trying to figure out where the...

Just what I figured.

And you've been waiting 45 minutes while you're in the mood?

Firm, you Elwood.

Now, when he sobers up, he won't remember this game at all.

And he won't believe it when I tell him I won.

Never mind about that.

There's a couple of chicken thieves out in our hen house.

What?

Tarantination, sorghum, and sassic press. Why didn't you say so, woman?

Where's my shotgun?

Well, what happened?

What'd you get your shotgun for, Canadian?

A couple of cotton chicken pickin' flickers.

Cotton belt pick pickers.

Oh, you can't hurt mine. Just go, old sack of dead Susie.

I ain't no cousin of yours.

official chicken inspectors.

And eyes that would tempt any man.

Then she came and sat down at my

table.

And as she placed her soft hands in

mine.

I found myself wanting.

To kiss her, for temptation was

flowing like wine.

And I was almost

persuaded to

strip myself of...

persuaded to push my

conscience aside.

Then we danced and she whispered I

need you.

Take me away from here and be mine.

Then I looked into her eyes and I saw it,

the reflection of my wedding

bed.

And I was almost

persuaded to

let strange lips lead.

Most persuaded.

But your sweet love made me stop and go home.

Hey, Sheriff Mathis. Hey, Bert.

Well, I'd give a last check before turning in.

What do you got here?

Oh, a couple of chicken pickers Uncle Ned caught out at his place.

Oh.

Chicken thieves, huh?

This is a gross miscarriage of justice.

It's illegal, unconstitutional incarceration.

Say, I'll just bet you 25 cents you can't say that again.

I said this is a gross miscarriage of justice.

It's illegal, unconstitutional incarceration.

He did.

Look, you just can't throw us in jail without even giving us a trial.

We can't. Seems we already have.

Now, I ain't about to wake up old Judge Beal in the middle of the night for a

couple of chicken thieves.

You'll get your trial the first thing in the morning, right after breakfast.

Right after what?

Right after breakfast.

Oh, that beautiful word, Sheriff. Say it again.

You boys better get some sleep.

Bert, come on over to the restaurant. I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

Thanks, Sheriff. I could sure use it.

Man, I don't want no guitar.

I got to have something to eat.

The one thing I can't stand is being caged up.

Well, at least they're going to feed us.

That is, if we live till breakfast.

Hey, Dart, look what's coming down the alley.

Except a man on a mule.

Hey, you.

Lone Ranger.

Good evening, gents.

How would you like to make five dollars?

Where did you get five dollars? I'll write him a check.

Do you have a rope?

It's the best piece of rope in all of Tewer County.

It's worth at least $10.

I don't want to buy it, friend. I just want to use it.

Hey, you ain't planning on hanging yourself, are you? I'm planning on

out of here. That's what I'm planning.

Oh, no, you're not. Not before breakfast.

Quiet. Just toss us one in.

What in tarnation are you doing?

Well, they do it in cowboy movies all the time and it never favors.

Now, just tie the other end of the rope onto your saddle and make your horse

pull for all it's worth.

All righty -rooty.

Well,

they say that every dog is gonna have his day.

Dogs are kinda easy to be led astray.

I thought that I was just a little playful pup.

But I got off my leash and then I got messed up.

Messed up.

Oh, look at me now.

I'm in the world's biggest doghouse and all I can say is... Bow -wow!

Well, here I was a dog out of cat and around.

Just a little chihuahua.

Acting like a hound, I wasn't satisfied with what was in my cup. So I got off of

my leash and then I got messed up.

I had a real nice home and a good warm bed.

I always had somebody to pat me on the head. I had my own private bone living

high on the hog till I got messed up.

It shouldn't happen to a dog.

Messed up.

Oh, look at me now.

I'm in the world's biggest doghouse and all I can say is bow wow.

Well, here I was a dog out of catting around.

Just a little chihuahua.

Acting like a hound, I wasn't satisfied with what was in my cup. So I got off of

my leash and then I got messed up.

Then the traveling salesman said, That lets me out, mister, because I ain't

never been west of Georgia in all my born days.

Say, Erie, what was all that ruckus up at your place Saturday night?

Oh, did you hear about that?

The big explosion?

A Cleveland Prize hog got a hold of a dozen sticks of dynamite and ate them.

What happened then?

Well, the old hog staggered out in the barnyard and fell up against the fence.

What a bang that was.

Blew up the barn, knocked the house over, leveled trees for five miles

knocked out windows for ten miles around.

It was plum awful.

And you know, he had a mighty sick hog around there for a while, too.

Hey, Will, why don't you quit just noodling around on that thing and sing

song?

When I was just a little fella,

my mommy tell me no, no, no.

If you get yourself a city woman,

she'll drag you down low.

I went and got myself a city woman, forgot about what my mommy said.

Now I'm sitting here thinking, drinking, trying to get her out of my head.

Oh, she's sweet and she's sexy, like I wanted her to be.

She's sweet and she's sexy, for everybody, not me.

She woos them and wins them With her itchy -gitchy -gitchy -goose

There ain't a woman who can itchy -gitchy Like my city woman

can do

While

I drink another pot of coffee I'm calling bartenders on the phone

When you got yourself a city woman, she'll never want to come home.

Now and then I get a little shut out while I'm getting ready for the fight.

Like every other city woman, mine honky -tonks all night.

Oh, she's sweet and she's sexy.

She's sweet and she's sexy for everybody, not me.

She woos them and wins them with her itchy, gitchy, gitchy goo.

There ain't a woman who can itchy, gitchy like my city woman can do.

Oh, big deal.

And there's almost enough gold right here to fill a tooth.

That's okay.

Every little bit counts.

Now, you city gals beat all I have ever seen.

Now, you've spent your whole summer vacation down here diving for that gold,

you keep on talking about how rich you're going to get. Well, I ain't seen

make enough yet to pay your bus fare back to Miami.

Listen, Susie, when Bridget and I find out where the main deposit of gold is

coming from...

We won't be taking any bus back to Miami.

We'll be going back in style.

Man.

In a solid gold Rolls Royce.

Beautiful dreamer.

Well, you're going to be singing a different tune when you see Bridget and

walk out of here with a million dollars worth of gold one of these days.

I'm going to die anymore today?

I don't think so, honey.

Why don't you change clothes and I'll go check the trap?

Hey, yeah.

Bridget told me about them man traps y 'all built.

Now, I got to see that for myself.

Hold it.

I don't want you springing our trap.

Well, where is it?

This here lasso rope is tied onto that bent tree. And if anybody steps into

it... It springs and snatches them feet first right up into the tree.

We've got these traps set all over the camp.

So's nobody can spy on us and find out where our gold is coming from.

Boy, you city gals just won't stop at nothing to snare a man now, will you? I

just wish there was a man or two around here to snare.

Why, I've been living on this riverbank for so long, I've almost forgotten what

a man looks like.

Why, even your cousin Elwood's beginning to look good to me.

Man, you are in a bad way.

Morning, Burke.

Morning, Will. I brought a present for breakfast.

Oh, me?

Food. Food.

Oh, let me have it, let me have it, let me have it. Just pacify yourself now.

I'm coming.

Hold on, Will.

We won't have time for breakfast this morning.

What? No breakfast?

You can't do this to me.

I demand my rights.

I demand my bacon and eggs.

I'll write my counters.

I'll pick it. I'll stand on the courthouse lawn and burn my diner's club

Well, you just have to tell that to the judge.

Everybody stand up.

Here he is, here he is, here he is. This Honorable Criminal Court of Tuber

County is now in session. The Honorable Jubilation P .B. will preside.

All you who have been in front of this court, step forward and ye shall be

heard. God bless this court. God bless Beals Corner. God bless Tudor County.

bless the state of Florida. And God bless the United States.

Sit down.

This is the most flagrant violation of citizens' rights in the history of

jurisprudence. Why, why, it's a classic case of reductio ad absurdum. I demand

an immediate writ of habeas corpus.

Well, semper fidelis and e pluribus unum to you.

Now, if you've finished with all this jive talk, let's get on with this trial

I can go fishing.

Call the first witness.

I guess that'll be you, Viola.

Okay, Cousin Mathis.

Cousin? Cousin.

Morning, Uncle Juby.

Uncle? Uncle.

Morning, Viola.

You're looking extra pretty this morning, sweetheart.

You're just saying that.

No, no, I ain't. Well, don't you think she's just about the prettiest thing you

ever saw?

Pretty as the moonlight in a cypress swamp.

Oh, go on.

Look at her blush.

I ain't blushing.

Why, look at her, Will. Look at her face. It's as red as a possum's mouth in

pokeberry time.

Say, what is this? Are we having a trial or aren't we? Say, you're pretty sassy

for a chicken thief, boy.

All right, Viola, you just go right ahead now and testify.

Well, there ain't much to tell.

We found them two city slickers in our hen house trying to steal our chickens.

So we brought them in to have them locked up.

I see.

Well, now, thank you very much, honey. You just go right out back and sit down.

Hey, wait a minute.

Don't I even get to examine the witness?

Don't you dare lay a hand on her.

If there's any examining to be done, that'll be taken care of by old Doc

Jackson. But this is crazy.

She didn't even take the oath. That's right. She don't need to take no oath.

That gal's never touched a drink in her life.

Uncle Ned?

Morning, Joe.

Okay, Ned.

You got anything to add to what Viola told us?

Nope. Just like she said.

We caught him red -handed.

You got any more witnesses to call?

Just Cousin Elwood.

Elwood? You know, sometimes I think that boy's got a problem.

Well, never mind.

It looks like an open and shut case to me.

This court finds you guilty as charged and hereby sentences you

to 60 days at hard labor.

Court's adjourned. Let's go fishing.

We'll take a mug shot of these boys.

But you can't do this to us. That's right, Chief.

Oh, no?

I hope you like our tailor.

Will, take him out on the road and put him to work.

I can take a rest break now.

Somebody around here spits just like a quarter.

Hey, how about letting me do some picking on that guitar?

I guess it'll be alright.

My foreach and head.

What happened, Will?

Where's the prisoners?

I'm sorry, Sheriff, but they got away. What?

They got away from me, Sheriff.

I turned my back one minute, the next thing I knew, I was waking up with my

through my guitar.

Oh, that can't be. Why, I've never lost a prisoner since I've been Sheriff.

I've got a reputation of 15 years standing.

Oh, Will, tell me you're just kidding.

I wish I was, Sheriff, but I sure ain't kidding about this knot on my head.

We're going to form the biggest posse in Tuber County history, and we're going

to bring those varmints back dead or alive.

Now, Will, I'll tell you what I want you to do.

I want you to shoot Judge Beale and tell him to meet me down to pay you right

away. I'll need his truth, mine, and eagle eye on this.

Princess got away.

Now, I tell you what I want you to do. I want you to go down to Culp Upper Road

and set up a roadblock down there so that if they get a car or something.

I'm on my way.

We must not falter.

We must not eat, sleep, or rest until these fugitives

have been brought to justice.

Now we're going out there with but one thought in mind, and that's to erase

block from our honor.

Are you with me?

All right, then, come on.

Hey, Elwood, let's go.

Here's your deputy, Sheriff.

Come in. We're going to swear you in, Sheriff.

Raise your right hand.

I said your right hand.

Oh.

Now repeat after me.

I swear.

I swear.

Now come on, put a little punch in it there.

We're going on a manhunt.

I swear.

I swear.

See, I forgot what to say. Well, you must know, Sheriff. Now go on, get with

I swear.

Well, all just say amen and come on. Let's go on the manhunt.

Hurry up.

Forward, men.

Forward.

Judge Bill?

Will here.

We're at River Road Junction and we're setting up a roadblock.

Well,

that's fine. I just called Bill Hallfinger and told him to blockade the

highway from county line to county line.

Then all we got to do is tighten that net and we got him.

Where's Cousin Elwood? He said he was going to get his bloodhounds. Well,

fine. Now, I want your bloodhounds.

Well, I didn't know he had any.

I'll radio the state police barracks over in Culver for Junction and see if

can spare some men to help us out.

There's Cousin Elwood now.

Elwood, what do you think you're doing?

I'm going to catch them fugitives for you, Sheriff.

Come on, fellas.

I just coming out of your camp to warn you ladies.

Warn us about what, Sheriff?

Well, a couple of our prisoners escaped this morning and they're still at large.

And they're considered pretty desperate. I think you better come in town till we

can catch them. Well, I better go warn the girl.

the two desperate, dangerous convicts are on the loose somewhere in this area.

Desperate, dangerous convicts? Why, you ain't talking about them chicken

rustlers now, are you?

Well, I didn't think they had brains enough between them to escape from a

booth. What did they look like?

Hmm. Now, come to think of it, they were kind of cute.

Maybe we ought to join the manhunt.

Good trap!

Help! It can only happen to me and you, Darby.

Help! Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Be careful, Gina Sue. The sheriff said these were desperate men.

That's okay. I'm a desperate woman.

Hiya, handsome.

And I could go for you.

How'd you like that, big boy?

No offense, ma 'am, but I'd rather have a slice of it.

Blown in two pieces of bread.

You'd what?

Come on, Susie, he's never going to quit eating. Give me a chance at him for a

while. Nothing doing. I ain't about to give him up now, not when I got him just

about back to life. Girls, girls, don't fight, don't fight.

Just tell me, which one of you fried this chicken?

I did, baby.

I'm sorry, Dreamy Sue, but the way to my ever -loving heart is through my

chicken -loving stomach.

Another drumstick, please.

Will you marry me?

Some romance.

You can have him.

You ain't going to be greedy, too, are you, Bridget? I mean, you remember our

motto, share and share alike.

I'm sorry, ma 'am.

I wish there were two of me, but there isn't.

For every man, there's a woman, and for every woman, there's a man.

That's nature's law, and you just can't fight it. I don't want to fight it. I

want to get in on it.

Don't look now, ma 'am, but if you're as desperate as you say you are, I think

there comes a man just for you.

That's a man?

I said!

Hmm.

It could be that Cousin Elwood has some inner quality, some hidden excitement.

Nobody knows about.

Oh, well, what the heck. It's worth a try.

How did we ever have you seen my bloodhound?

Cousin Elwood.

Come to me.

Kiss me, you fool.

Lady, we ain't even shook hands yet.

To tell you the truth, I almost forgot what food tastes like.

Yeah, well, just don't get too comfortable, pal. We've still got half

looking for us.

Hey, hey, you fellas better get down or the sheriff's a -coming. Hey, we can

have it happen at 10. No, no, take the airboat.

Hey, y 'all come back now as soon as you get undesperated.

I told you, young ladies, that those were desperate men.

I want you to take my truck and get into town at once.

Okay, Sheriff.

Hey, wait a minute. How am I going to get back to town now?

Well, you ain't going to believe this, but there's an airboat coming down the

road there.

Doesn't that work? It followed me all the way up from the swamp. I seen it

my own eye. I know what you're thinking. Get out of here, Elwood.

We're busy.

Go on over and sit down. All right. But you're going to be sorry. Don't say I

didn't tell you so. I

don't

believe it. I just don't believe it.

Why will a man go out and cheat?

What makes temptation so sweet?

And it's a shame that neon lights will make a man

stay out all night with a girl in a bar

down. the street I

never meant to be that man

but last night I held

another's hand though her kisses

tasted sweet that's not what made me cheat

So I'll try and explain it if I can.

Where, where, where could I

go when I needed love and you weren't

there?

And her two open arms.

Offered love sweet and warm Where could I

go but to her?

Please forgive my one mistake

And I swear it's the last

I'll ever make

Those arms I need the most Take me back, hold me

close Loving you is a habit I can't

break Well, well,

well

When my glass is emptied Where

will I go?

I'll go home

Come on, Darb. We'll have to put it in from here.

Well, I hope you know where we're going.

Hey, Jerry, wait for me.

Okay, man.

Let's build another roadblock.

That's them cotton -picking chicken pickers.

Okay, Bob, thank you. They just stole the swamp buggy and they crashed Will's

roadblock down to the river road.

That's just up the road a piece. Let's get going.

Wait a minute.

Well, I'll be doggone. That Judge Bill must be crazy.

Go!

I hate to leave a lady in distress, but we just can't afford to stop, Darth.

You're right, Chief.

We just can't take the chance.

Right. That sheriff and judge are probably right behind us. Right.

She's a groovy chick and all that.

But we can't get involved, Jerry, can we?

We'll just pretend we never saw her and move right along.

Now you're talking.

We have no other choice.

It's the only thing to do.

But then on the other hand... Chief, you're always right.

How do, ma 'am?

So glad you stopped.

I think my car's kaput. Well, you're in luck, ma 'am.

You see, my partner and I just happen to be expert mechanics.

That's right. We specialize in these kaput cars.

Let's see now. I believe this is a 1967 kaput. Right?

Um, why do you wear those peculiar clothes?

Oh, this?

Pay no attention. It's just a kind of initiation.

Yes, ma 'am. You see, you've heard of the Lions Club, haven't you? And the

Club and the Elks Club?

Me and Jerry here belong to the Zebra Club.

You American men are so strange.

Moose, Elks, Zebras.

In my country, the men are happy just to be men.

Well, if all the women in your country look like you, I don't blame them.

Where are you from? Oh, I'm from Denmark.

Have you ever been there?

No. But from what I've seen of it, I like it.

I got stuck on my way to Hollywood.

I won a beauty contest in my country and part of the prize was a Hollywood movie

contract. I was on my way there now.

I remember one time in our hometown we had a beauty contest a few years ago.

Nobody won.

Uh, Miss, uh, Miss... Greta Tyson.

Miss Tyson, I'm afraid you really are lost. You see, Hollywood is about 3 ,000

miles from here.

Oh. Oh, no.

It couldn't be.

On my map, Hollywood is right here.

Oh, no, ma 'am. That's a map of Florida. You see the Hollywood you want's in

California. Now, if you would like, Darby and I'll be glad to drive you

just as soon as we get the car running.

Oh, would you be so kind.

I would just love to put myself in your hands.

Do you think my battery could be run down?

Well, if it is, I'd sure hate to see it with a full charge.

No.

I meant the car's battery.

Excuse me, Miss Tyson.

What he lacks in brains, he makes up for it in stupidity.

Darby, see if you can get the car running.

Miss Tyson and I will just cool it over here in the shade.

Big deal.

Story of my life. You always get the girl, and I get a run -down battery. And

road map.

Dog, if this ain't getting to be downright annoying.

You know, your friend is very amusing.

Oh, Darby, yeah, he's a catbird.

Oh, well, I thought you were zebras. Oh, we belong to several groups.

Tell me, do you know Hollywood?

Oh, you haven't been there? No.

I'm awfully glad we happened to meet. You see, it just so happens that I'm one

of Hollywood's biggest talent scouts.

Really? Oh, yes, yes. I've discovered several of the big stars.

Oh, that's so nice.

Jerry! Jerry! The cops are coming!

Jerry,

Jerry, the law's right behind us. What's the matter?

Tyson, I'm awfully sorry. We have to leave you now. But there's several

gentlemen following us that I'm sure will be glad to help you. But how will I

sure they'll stop?

You just bend over the hood like we first saw you. I'll guarantee they'll

Oh!

Zebras and animals.

I think I'll go back to Denmark where men are men.

Well, most of them anyway.

They're gone for good now. They're headed straight into No Return Swamp.

I'm afraid that's the last anyone will ever see of those two.

Darn fools.

Well, I'm not going to let them get away with it. What do you mean, boy?

Ain't nobody ever gone into No Return Swamp and come out alive.

They're goners.

Well, dead or alive, I'm going to catch them and bring them back.

No prisoners ever escaped from me before, and I'm not going to have my

broken by a couple of measly chicken thieves. Mathis, you'll never find them

that swamp.

Hey.

You see that hawk flying around up there over that swamp?

I'll bet he can see them wherever they are.

Well, what good's that gonna do us?

We ain't hawks.

Well, if it gives me a good idea, I'm gonna radio for help. Radio who for

Why, this is a job for bird -dog bargain.

How do you spell rat?

R -A...

I mean like right now.

Oh, I don't know.

Answer that phone. It may ring.

Hello. Oh, you take it.

Right toe.

Right toe.

Right toe.

No, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to my brother. The desk is on my right

toe.

Oh, that feels much better.

Oh, Sheriff. How are you, Slinky? What's happening?

No.

No. You don't say.

Two fellas escaped from the farm.

Really? What are they charged with?

No. Good heavens.

Don't worry. We'll get in a copter and we'll go find them for you. Don't worry,

Sheriff. You're in good hands. What do they look like?

Uh -huh.

They're in striped convicts' outfits. Uh -huh.

Anything unusual about them?

One man is left -handed.

The other has dandruff.

Don't worry about a thing. Remember the old Chinese proverb?

Which means... Right.

See you later.

into the wild blue youngster.

Up there once again.

After you, hound dog.

Irving, what have you seen wrong?

Roger. Roger, we'll go.

Sit, Cal. Sit, Cal.

Sit, Cal. Hey, what are you talking about?

Here we go. We're ready to take off.

And we're requesting permission to...

Take off, please.

Permission granted.

All right, let's go. Here we go. Zip up and away, and we're off in the blue.

Well!

Ah!

Now, aren't you happy you can go to the Army?

Well, he's off.

He always has been, if you ask me.

Very handsome, you look.

You're shaggy and eat like a hog.

And you're always a -killing my chicken.

You dirty old egg -sucking.

to stop your...

salesman says.

That left me out, mister, because I've never been west of Georgia in my whole

born life.

Sit right there, pale -faced boy. I'll bet your spleen for you.

I was just looking for my bloodhounds, Louie. You ain't seen them, have you?

Afraid not.

You ought to be careful, old one, around out here like this.

I thought you was a revenue, and I was ready to make a lead mine out of your

gut.

Oh, boy, that smells good.

About the best batch I've made all year.

Want a sample?

Yeah.

I just wish I had as much money as I'd like a sample of that moonshine.

Yeah. All right, that's been aging since this morning.

You know, I think I'm just going to let them bloodhounds find me.

Hey, you fellas ever hear the one about the dentist who said to his patient,

your teeth are perfect, but your gum's got to come out.

Can we do something about him?

Give him the jug.

12 o 'clock. Zero at 12 o 'clock.

This clock must be wrong.

Yeah, it's a little better now.

Hey, Roger Wilco.

Who in thunderation is Roger Wilco?

Uh -huh. What's that down there?

Why, look at that. That looks like a speck.

Now, friends, a word from our sponsor.

Friends, are you suffering from broken dentures, chipped dentures, dirty old

green, horrible dentures? Can't you be ashamed?

Just tell him to get on with it.

Hello, bird dog.

Listen, now, we haven't got time for a lot of conversation.

We got to catch them chicken pickers before it gets too dark to see.

Jam don't shake like that.

I've just been waiting for him to come at me from there.

There it is.

Coming in at six o 'clock.

They're coming in at six o 'clock this year.

That gives us an hour and a half.

Hey, look at that. There's Joe crunching on his wife.

Hey, hit her with the left. Hit her with the right.

She's never good taking it around the eyes.

Or bleeds even.

Having trouble, Cousin Elwood?

We'll get him.

Back to the battle.

La, boo, da, boo, da.

And Louie, where'd you go?

What are you doing down in that hole?

This is a man saying goodbye.

Goodbye, Clarita.

Who's Clarita? That's his mother.

I'll see you once again.

And in chopper heaven.

Hello. Hello, bird dog.

Hello, bird dog. Bird dog Bergen. Yeah, this Sheriff Mathis calling.

Hello, bird dog.

Roger Wilco or something.

Hello? Say, I think something's wrong.

So long, bird dog.

Wherever you are.

to wash my face in.

Yeah, well, whatever.

Well, you're just going to get wall paint all over your feet.

Yep. Just as I thought.

I'm sure of it.

What?

We're lost?

Yeah.

Look, Chief, I've been following you all day long.

And the only thing that you've done is lead us deeper and deeper into this

jungle. From now on, I'll do the leading, all right?

I like somebody's caught in the quicksand box.

Yeah.

I reckon we ought to mosey over there and take a look.

That's the only lesson, Palmer.

Just when I was getting comfortable, too.

I never seen a guy so devoted to a pet in my life. Oh, bird dog, bird dog. Hey,

I know why we're here, but how did you get involved?

Bird dog, bird dog, bird dog. Why are you crying?

An alligator ate up one of my brothers.

Which one?

I don't know. All alligators look alike.

Dog!

Here, give me a drink of that.

Oh, bird dog.

That stuff tastes like gasoline.

Well, pass me some of that ethyl.

Chief, we gotta get out of here.

Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute. I got an idea.

Inside, quick.

Hey, where y 'all going?

Where'd they get him, Sheriff?

All right, men.

All right, men. Get ready.

We're going to make the charge.

I smell a woman.

How? Who?

Not who, Chief. How?

Huh? That's ghost enough.

If this works, we're home free.

Well, what are we going to drink?

We're not worried about drinking, Chief.

We're worried about getting away from that sheriff.

Yeah, we've got to get away from the sheriff.

Hey, what am I running away from the sheriff for?

California, here we come.

Oh, no.

Here we go again.

Traveling salesman says.

That lets me out, mister, because I ain't never been west of Georgia in my

born days.

Cotton

pickin'

chicken picker.