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1
00:04:25,389 --> 00:04:26,932
Hiya, folks.
2
00:04:26,932 --> 00:04:28,559
My name is Dave Starr.
3
00:04:28,559 --> 00:04:30,895
Y'know, I feel miserable
this afternoon.
4
00:04:30,895 --> 00:04:32,521
Last night I dreamt
I was locked up in a room
5
00:04:32,521 --> 00:04:34,440
with a thousand
beautiful blondes.
6
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,442
And a thousand
beautiful brunettes.
7
00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:38,694
Then I dreamt I was a woman.
8
00:04:38,694 --> 00:04:41,572
But I want you to know, I come
from a very honest family.
9
00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:42,990
Even/body in my family is honest
10
00:04:42,990 --> 00:04:44,533
except my brother.
11
00:04:44,533 --> 00:04:45,951
He's the one who finds things
12
00:04:45,951 --> 00:04:47,661
before they're lost.
13
00:04:47,661 --> 00:04:48,913
He was up the river
so many times
14
00:04:48,913 --> 00:04:50,456
they called him "showboat“.
15
00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:51,957
In fact,
he did 30 days so often,
16
00:04:51,957 --> 00:04:54,084
they decided to name
a month after him.
17
00:04:54,084 --> 00:04:55,127
My brother.
18
00:04:55,127 --> 00:04:56,837
He studied for a doctor once.
19
00:04:56,837 --> 00:04:59,256
The doctor was too busy
to study for himself.
20
00:04:59,256 --> 00:05:01,050
Now, my brother became an MD,
21
00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:02,843
a mental deficient.
22
00:05:02,843 --> 00:05:04,470
What a doctor he was.
23
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:06,680
He treated a guy five years
for yellow jaundice
24
00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:09,725
before he found out
the guy was a Chinaman.
25
00:05:09,725 --> 00:05:11,685
Well, they finally
took his license away,
26
00:05:11,685 --> 00:05:14,605
'cause he committed
an illegal operation.
27
00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:16,982
He opened up a guys head
with a beer bottle.
28
00:05:16,982 --> 00:05:19,610
-Why, Dave Starr, how are you?
-Hey, Joe E. Starr--
29
00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:20,653
Joe E. Ross,
30
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,738
-as I live and breathe.
-How ya been?
31
00:05:22,738 --> 00:05:24,490
Waiting for-- c'mon, hurry up
and do that song of yours
32
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:25,574
-and we'll get outta here.
-Oh, no, I'm sorry,
33
00:05:25,574 --> 00:05:27,284
I can't do that song today,
I got a headache.
34
00:05:27,284 --> 00:05:28,577
-You got a headache?
-Uh-huh.
35
00:05:28,577 --> 00:05:29,703
Well, man,
why don't you do what I do
36
00:05:29,703 --> 00:05:30,579
when I get a headache?
37
00:05:30,579 --> 00:05:31,664
Why, whaddya do?
38
00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:33,207
Well, I go home,
I take my wife,
39
00:05:33,207 --> 00:05:34,834
-she lies down on the sofa--
-Ah-huh.
40
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:36,627
-I lie down alongside of her.
-Ah-huh.
41
00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:37,962
I rest my head on her shoulder,
42
00:05:37,962 --> 00:05:40,047
-just like this.
-Oh, yes?
43
00:05:40,047 --> 00:05:41,924
-She kisses me a few times.
-Uh-huh.
44
00:05:41,924 --> 00:05:42,883
And my headache disappears
45
00:05:42,883 --> 00:05:44,009
just like magic.
46
00:05:44,009 --> 00:05:45,719
Why don't you try it sometime?
47
00:05:45,719 --> 00:05:47,179
Gee, I think I will.
48
00:05:47,179 --> 00:05:49,557
Uh, what time
will your wife be home?
49
00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:50,850
Oh, c'mon, you never--
50
00:22:23,424 --> 00:22:24,384
Hi, honey.
51
00:22:24,384 --> 00:22:25,635
Hi, how're you?
52
00:22:25,635 --> 00:22:27,303
Oh, trouble with
my husband again.
53
00:22:27,303 --> 00:22:29,180
He's so cheap,
if he doesn't give me some money
54
00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:31,683
to buy some new clothes
I'm just going to leave him.
55
00:22:31,683 --> 00:22:32,684
Your husband?
56
00:22:32,684 --> 00:22:33,810
Why, my husband's
57
00:22:33,810 --> 00:22:35,895
the cheapest thing on two feet.
58
00:22:35,895 --> 00:22:37,522
But I've got a plan.
59
00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:39,107
If he doesn't give me
any money today
60
00:22:39,107 --> 00:22:41,317
I think I'm gonna walk
right past the pool room
61
00:22:41,317 --> 00:22:42,986
without a stitch of clothing on.
62
00:22:42,986 --> 00:22:44,821
You know, that sounds
like a good idea.
63
00:22:44,821 --> 00:22:46,239
I've got news,
it works for you,
64
00:22:46,239 --> 00:22:48,116
I'm gonna do
the exact same thing.
65
00:22:48,116 --> 00:22:49,909
Shh, here he comes now.
66
00:22:50,785 --> 00:22:52,328
Hello, baby, darling.
67
00:22:52,328 --> 00:22:54,831
Don't you call me
baby darling, you cheap thing.
68
00:22:54,831 --> 00:22:57,458
Honey, do I-- why
should you say I'm cheap?
69
00:22:57,458 --> 00:22:59,878
I just happen to have an
impediment in my reach.
70
00:22:59,878 --> 00:23:01,629
Money, that's the last
thing I think about
71
00:23:01,629 --> 00:23:03,006
before going to bed
every night.
72
00:23:03,006 --> 00:23:04,424
Well, I've got news for you,
73
00:23:04,424 --> 00:23:05,758
if you don't give me
some money right now
74
00:23:05,758 --> 00:23:07,051
to buy some new clothes,
75
00:23:07,051 --> 00:23:08,553
I'm going to walk
right past the pool room
76
00:23:08,553 --> 00:23:10,221
without a stitch of anything on.
77
00:23:10,221 --> 00:23:11,264
Honey, you gonna tell me
that you'd walk right--
78
00:23:11,264 --> 00:23:12,265
I would.
79
00:23:12,265 --> 00:23:13,600
Without a stitch--
80
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,226
Shame me in front
of all my friends?
81
00:23:15,226 --> 00:23:17,103
-I would.
-Well, bet you would at that.
82
00:23:17,103 --> 00:23:18,813
Well, Ijust happen
to have a few bucks with me,
83
00:23:18,813 --> 00:23:21,524
honey, so let me see, all right.
84
00:23:21,524 --> 00:23:23,109
I just cashed
my relief check, see?
85
00:23:23,109 --> 00:23:24,277
One thousand,
two thousand, three...
86
00:23:26,988 --> 00:23:28,364
Hey, what're you doing
with my loot?
87
00:23:28,364 --> 00:23:30,033
She took it.
88
00:23:30,033 --> 00:23:31,200
Well, how about giving me
89
00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:32,869
a kiss now to seal the bargain?
90
00:23:35,204 --> 00:23:36,372
You call that a kiss?
91
00:23:36,372 --> 00:23:38,541
You call yourself a bargain?
92
00:23:38,541 --> 00:23:39,751
How do you like it...
93
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:43,087
I told you it'd pay off.
94
00:23:43,087 --> 00:23:45,048
Well, that's it.
95
00:23:45,048 --> 00:23:47,634
Wait 'til I get my husband now.
96
00:23:47,634 --> 00:23:49,636
Hey, hello, doll, hi.
97
00:23:49,636 --> 00:23:51,262
You're late.
98
00:23:51,262 --> 00:23:53,514
I'm sorry I'm late,
I had an automobile accident.
99
00:23:54,349 --> 00:23:55,808
An automobile accident?
100
00:23:55,808 --> 00:23:57,602
Yeah, I fell out
of the patrol wagon.
101
00:23:57,602 --> 00:24:01,397
Oh, stop those bum jokes
you Cheapskate, you.
102
00:24:01,397 --> 00:24:02,607
Oh, don't call me
a Cheapskate,
103
00:24:02,607 --> 00:24:03,650
I'm not cheap.
104
00:24:03,650 --> 00:24:04,609
You know, I go out.
105
00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:05,818
That's one thing about me,
106
00:24:05,818 --> 00:24:07,487
I don't care
what I do with my money
107
00:24:07,487 --> 00:24:09,155
as long as I don't spend it.
108
00:24:09,155 --> 00:24:10,698
Oh, yeah?
109
00:24:10,698 --> 00:24:12,367
And you know what
I'm really doing, see,
110
00:24:12,367 --> 00:24:15,370
I'm putting away
enough money for a rainy day.
111
00:24:15,370 --> 00:24:18,081
Oh yeah, well
how much have you saved?
112
00:24:18,081 --> 00:24:19,332
Well, I'll tell you the truth,
113
00:24:19,332 --> 00:24:21,042
it ever rains
two days in a row,
114
00:24:21,042 --> 00:24:22,251
I'm broke.
115
00:24:22,251 --> 00:24:24,212
Broke? You're not broke,
116
00:24:24,212 --> 00:24:25,880
you just don't want
to give me any money
117
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:28,007
to spend on clothes, that's all.
118
00:24:28,007 --> 00:24:30,093
Why, do you know that
if you don't give me any money,
119
00:24:30,093 --> 00:24:32,387
well I'm gonna
go past that pool room
120
00:24:32,387 --> 00:24:34,180
where all your friends
seem to congregate
121
00:24:34,180 --> 00:24:37,141
and walk there undressed.
122
00:24:37,141 --> 00:24:38,518
You're going to walk
by the pool room
123
00:24:38,518 --> 00:24:40,019
in front of all
my friends undressed?
124
00:24:40,019 --> 00:24:41,145
-That's right.
-Is that what you're gonna do
125
00:24:41,145 --> 00:24:42,438
in front of all my friends?
126
00:24:42,438 --> 00:24:43,940
Certainly.
127
00:24:43,940 --> 00:24:46,901
Well, when you pass
the post office, here,
128
00:24:46,901 --> 00:24:48,695
mail this letter.
129
00:35:54,568 --> 00:35:56,236
Well, here I am once again--
130
00:35:56,236 --> 00:35:58,405
-Hey, Dave, how you been?
-Hey, Joey, how you been?
131
00:35:58,405 --> 00:36:00,074
I been looking for you,
how you been?
132
00:36:00,074 --> 00:36:01,825
-I've been looking for you.
-Oh, I've been in Paris.
133
00:36:01,825 --> 00:36:03,452
-You've been in Paris?
-Oh, land of romance.
134
00:36:03,452 --> 00:36:04,411
How bout that...
135
00:36:04,411 --> 00:36:05,663
If a man has three girls,
136
00:36:05,663 --> 00:36:06,747
he's called an orchid.
137
00:36:06,747 --> 00:36:08,123
-In Paris?
-That's right.
138
00:36:08,123 --> 00:36:09,083
And if he walks
down the street
139
00:36:09,083 --> 00:36:09,917
with two girls,
140
00:36:09,917 --> 00:36:11,627
he's called a daisy.
141
00:36:11,627 --> 00:36:13,128
-A daisy?
-Uh-huh.
142
00:36:13,128 --> 00:36:15,381
And, if he walks
down the street with one girl,
143
00:36:15,381 --> 00:36:16,298
he's called a rose.
144
00:36:16,298 --> 00:36:17,925
A rose, how bout that?
145
00:36:17,925 --> 00:36:19,009
Say, how do you rate?
146
00:36:19,009 --> 00:36:20,719
Shake hands with a stinkweed.
147
00:36:20,719 --> 00:36:22,304
Stinkweed.
148
00:36:22,304 --> 00:36:23,889
Yeah, I don't understand it,
I don't know, like,
149
00:36:23,889 --> 00:36:25,516
what'd you have to do
to get a girl around here?
150
00:36:25,516 --> 00:36:27,142
I can't get myself arrested,
I can't get a girl?
151
00:36:27,142 --> 00:36:29,269
Well, as I understand it,
there's 8 girls
152
00:36:29,269 --> 00:36:30,604
to every fella
in this neighborhood.
153
00:36:30,604 --> 00:36:32,272
Well then, I got news for you,
154
00:36:32,272 --> 00:36:34,233
see, there must be somebody
running around here with 16
155
00:36:34,233 --> 00:36:35,567
because I ain't got even one.
156
00:36:35,567 --> 00:36:38,028
Well, around here
you gotta have it.
157
00:36:38,028 --> 00:36:39,154
Well, I've got that.
158
00:36:39,154 --> 00:36:40,823
-What's that?
-That's it.
159
00:36:40,823 --> 00:36:42,032
Well, you came
to the right party.
160
00:36:42,032 --> 00:36:43,534
-Yeah?
-You see, I have this
161
00:36:43,534 --> 00:36:45,035
magic perfume,
comes all the way from Paris.
162
00:36:45,035 --> 00:36:46,161
-Magic perfume?
-That's right.
163
00:36:46,161 --> 00:36:47,746
I put it on this handkerchief.
164
00:36:47,746 --> 00:36:49,164
Now, all I have to do is
waft this handkerchief
165
00:36:49,164 --> 00:36:50,499
under a young lady's nose.
166
00:36:50,499 --> 00:36:51,667
-Waft it under there?
-That's right.
167
00:36:51,667 --> 00:36:53,335
Say the magic words of French,
168
00:36:53,335 --> 00:36:56,046
and the girl immediately
will fall in love with you.
169
00:36:56,046 --> 00:36:58,090
Aw, Joey, you're joshing me,
you know that?
170
00:36:58,090 --> 00:36:59,967
You know I don't believe that--
171
00:36:59,967 --> 00:37:02,010
Oh, here comes a young lady now.
172
00:37:02,010 --> 00:37:03,429
A young lady's coming along,
173
00:37:03,429 --> 00:37:05,013
and I'll show you
that this works.
174
00:37:05,013 --> 00:37:07,057
-How bout that?
-Isn't she cute?
175
00:37:07,057 --> 00:37:10,060
-Yeah, nice, that's nice.
-I'II show you how this works.
176
00:37:10,060 --> 00:37:13,313
-Let me see how it works.
-Why, what a wonderful perfume.
177
00:37:13,313 --> 00:37:14,565
How bout it?
178
00:37:16,442 --> 00:37:17,818
...mink coat.
179
00:37:17,818 --> 00:37:19,194
-Dar|ing.
-It works? It works?
180
00:37:19,194 --> 00:37:20,571
Hey, give me that handkerchief.
181
00:37:20,571 --> 00:37:21,905
Give it to you?
I'll sell it to you.
182
00:37:21,905 --> 00:37:23,323
Sell it to me? How much?
183
00:37:23,323 --> 00:37:24,908
-50 dollars.
-50 dollars?
184
00:37:24,908 --> 00:37:26,702
That's a lot
of money to blow in.
185
00:37:26,702 --> 00:37:28,579
-I'II give you a buck.
-I'II take it.
186
00:37:28,579 --> 00:37:31,206
Give me, I owe you a buck.
187
00:37:31,206 --> 00:37:32,750
Now, all I gotta do
is waft it on the nose.
188
00:37:32,750 --> 00:37:33,792
That's right.
189
00:37:33,792 --> 00:37:35,461
Waft on the nose.
190
00:37:38,213 --> 00:37:42,176
Oh, I want you
to make my spine tingle.
191
00:37:42,176 --> 00:37:44,219
Make me feel good.
192
00:37:44,219 --> 00:37:46,889
Make me feel great all over.
193
00:37:46,889 --> 00:37:49,224
Lady, you don't want a man,
what you need is a masseur.
194
00:37:49,224 --> 00:37:51,143
-How about that, eh?
-You're doing all right.
195
00:37:51,143 --> 00:37:52,686
Keep going.
196
00:37:57,232 --> 00:37:59,318
...and a skunk jacket.
197
00:37:59,318 --> 00:38:01,028
Darling.
198
00:38:02,905 --> 00:38:04,573
Hankies, smells, who needs them.
199
00:38:04,573 --> 00:38:06,033
I got my own odors.
200
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:08,952
Hey.
201
00:58:54,488 --> 00:58:55,948
Hello, folks.
202
00:58:55,948 --> 00:58:58,117
You know, I went
to the track this afternoon.
203
00:58:58,117 --> 00:58:59,577
I took my wife with me.
204
00:58:59,577 --> 00:59:01,912
She's one of the best
nags I know!
205
00:59:01,912 --> 00:59:04,248
I don't wanna say my wife
is exactly fat,
206
00:59:04,248 --> 00:59:06,584
all I know is she bent over
to tie her Shoelaces
207
00:59:06,584 --> 00:59:08,502
and somebody threw
a saddle over her.
208
00:59:08,502 --> 00:59:10,087
So what happened? What happened?
209
00:59:10,087 --> 00:59:12,923
She came in second on page 680.
210
00:59:12,923 --> 00:59:14,842
You know, marriage
is like a warm bath.
211
00:59:14,842 --> 00:59:17,094
Once you get used to it,
it's not so hot.
212
00:59:17,094 --> 00:59:18,637
Now you take my wife.
213
00:59:18,637 --> 00:59:20,431
Please!
214
00:59:20,431 --> 00:59:22,433
You know I got married
for better or for worse,
215
00:59:22,433 --> 00:59:25,061
I couldn't do any better
and she couldn't do any worse,
216
00:59:25,061 --> 00:59:27,188
and she was worse
than I took her for.
217
00:59:27,188 --> 00:59:30,107
All I accepted from her father
was a 12 room house,
218
00:59:30,107 --> 00:59:32,276
a yacht, a Cadillac convertible,
219
00:59:32,276 --> 00:59:34,070
and 51 percent of his business.
220
00:59:34,070 --> 00:59:35,946
After that, I was on my own.
221
00:59:35,946 --> 00:59:38,157
Well, I gotta go now, folks.
222
00:59:38,157 --> 00:59:40,242
You see, it's the kiddies night
off to go to the movies
223
00:59:40,242 --> 00:59:42,078
so I gotta go home
and mind the maid.
224
00:59:42,078 --> 00:59:44,246
I'll see you later.
16057
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