Original subtitles

Hiya, folks.

My name is Dave Starr.

Y'know, I feel miserable this afternoon.

Last night I dreamt I was locked up in a room

with a thousand beautiful blondes.

And a thousand beautiful brunettes.

Then I dreamt I was a woman.

But I want you to know, I come from a very honest family.

Even/body in my family is honest

except my brother.

He's the one who finds things

before they're lost.

He was up the river so many times

they called him "showboat“.

In fact, he did 30 days so often,

they decided to name a month after him.

My brother.

He studied for a doctor once.

The doctor was too busy to study for himself.

Now, my brother became an MD,

a mental deficient.

What a doctor he was.

He treated a guy five years for yellow jaundice

before he found out the guy was a Chinaman.

Well, they finally took his license away,

'cause he committed an illegal operation.

He opened up a guys head with a beer bottle.

-Why, Dave Starr, how are you? -Hey, Joe E. Starr--

Joe E. Ross,

-as I live and breathe. -How ya been?

Waiting for-- c'mon, hurry up and do that song of yours

-and we'll get outta here. -Oh, no, I'm sorry,

I can't do that song today, I got a headache.

-You got a headache? -Uh-huh.

Well, man, why don't you do what I do

when I get a headache?

Why, whaddya do?

Well, I go home, I take my wife,

-she lies down on the sofa-- -Ah-huh.

-I lie down alongside of her. -Ah-huh.

I rest my head on her shoulder,

-just like this. -Oh, yes?

-She kisses me a few times. -Uh-huh.

And my headache disappears

just like magic.

Why don't you try it sometime?

Gee, I think I will.

Uh, what time will your wife be home?

Oh, c'mon, you never--

Hi, honey.

Hi, how're you?

Oh, trouble with my husband again.

He's so cheap, if he doesn't give me some money

to buy some new clothes I'm just going to leave him.

Your husband?

Why, my husband's

the cheapest thing on two feet.

But I've got a plan.

If he doesn't give me any money today

I think I'm gonna walk right past the pool room

without a stitch of clothing on.

You know, that sounds like a good idea.

I've got news, it works for you,

I'm gonna do the exact same thing.

Shh, here he comes now.

Hello, baby, darling.

Don't you call me baby darling, you cheap thing.

Honey, do I-- why should you say I'm cheap?

I just happen to have an impediment in my reach.

Money, that's the last thing I think about

before going to bed every night.

Well, I've got news for you,

if you don't give me some money right now

to buy some new clothes,

I'm going to walk right past the pool room

without a stitch of anything on.

Honey, you gonna tell me that you'd walk right--

I would.

Without a stitch--

Shame me in front of all my friends?

-I would. -Well, bet you would at that.

Well, Ijust happen to have a few bucks with me,

honey, so let me see, all right.

I just cashed my relief check, see?

One thousand, two thousand, three...

Hey, what're you doing with my loot?

She took it.

Well, how about giving me

a kiss now to seal the bargain?

You call that a kiss?

You call yourself a bargain?

How do you like it...

I told you it'd pay off.

Well, that's it.

Wait 'til I get my husband now.

Hey, hello, doll, hi.

You're late.

I'm sorry I'm late, I had an automobile accident.

An automobile accident?

Yeah, I fell out of the patrol wagon.

Oh, stop those bum jokes you Cheapskate, you.

Oh, don't call me a Cheapskate,

I'm not cheap.

You know, I go out.

That's one thing about me,

I don't care what I do with my money

as long as I don't spend it.

Oh, yeah?

And you know what I'm really doing, see,

I'm putting away enough money for a rainy day.

Oh yeah, well how much have you saved?

Well, I'll tell you the truth,

it ever rains two days in a row,

I'm broke.

Broke? You're not broke,

you just don't want to give me any money

to spend on clothes, that's all.

Why, do you know that if you don't give me any money,

well I'm gonna go past that pool room

where all your friends seem to congregate

and walk there undressed.

You're going to walk by the pool room

in front of all my friends undressed?

-That's right. -Is that what you're gonna do

in front of all my friends?

Certainly.

Well, when you pass the post office, here,

mail this letter.

Well, here I am once again--

-Hey, Dave, how you been? -Hey, Joey, how you been?

I been looking for you, how you been?

-I've been looking for you. -Oh, I've been in Paris.

-You've been in Paris? -Oh, land of romance.

How bout that...

If a man has three girls,

he's called an orchid.

-In Paris? -That's right.

And if he walks down the street

with two girls,

he's called a daisy.

-A daisy? -Uh-huh.

And, if he walks down the street with one girl,

he's called a rose.

A rose, how bout that?

Say, how do you rate?

Shake hands with a stinkweed.

Stinkweed.

Yeah, I don't understand it, I don't know, like,

what'd you have to do to get a girl around here?

I can't get myself arrested, I can't get a girl?

Well, as I understand it, there's 8 girls

to every fella in this neighborhood.

Well then, I got news for you,

see, there must be somebody running around here with 16

because I ain't got even one.

Well, around here you gotta have it.

Well, I've got that.

-What's that? -That's it.

Well, you came to the right party.

-Yeah? -You see, I have this

magic perfume, comes all the way from Paris.

-Magic perfume? -That's right.

I put it on this handkerchief.

Now, all I have to do is waft this handkerchief

under a young lady's nose.

-Waft it under there? -That's right.

Say the magic words of French,

and the girl immediately will fall in love with you.

Aw, Joey, you're joshing me, you know that?

You know I don't believe that--

Oh, here comes a young lady now.

A young lady's coming along,

and I'll show you that this works.

-How bout that? -Isn't she cute?

-Yeah, nice, that's nice. -I'II show you how this works.

-Let me see how it works. -Why, what a wonderful perfume.

How bout it?

...mink coat.

-Dar|ing. -It works? It works?

Hey, give me that handkerchief.

Give it to you? I'll sell it to you.

Sell it to me? How much?

-50 dollars. -50 dollars?

That's a lot of money to blow in.

-I'II give you a buck. -I'II take it.

Give me, I owe you a buck.

Now, all I gotta do is waft it on the nose.

That's right.

Waft on the nose.

Oh, I want you to make my spine tingle.

Make me feel good.

Make me feel great all over.

Lady, you don't want a man, what you need is a masseur.

-How about that, eh? -You're doing all right.

Keep going.

...and a skunk jacket.

Darling.

Hankies, smells, who needs them.

I got my own odors.

Hey.

Hello, folks.

You know, I went to the track this afternoon.

I took my wife with me.

She's one of the best nags I know!

I don't wanna say my wife is exactly fat,

all I know is she bent over to tie her Shoelaces

and somebody threw a saddle over her.

So what happened? What happened?

She came in second on page 680.

You know, marriage is like a warm bath.

Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Now you take my wife.

Please!

You know I got married for better or for worse,

I couldn't do any better and she couldn't do any worse,

and she was worse than I took her for.

All I accepted from her father was a 12 room house,

a yacht, a Cadillac convertible,

and 51 percent of his business.

After that, I was on my own.

Well, I gotta go now, folks.

You see, it's the kiddies night off to go to the movies

so I gotta go home and mind the maid.

I'll see you later.