Original subtitles

Be down in a second, Mom.

Hey. Morning, Mom. Morning, sweetie.

Hey, I had this tight dream last night that you made me French toast and bacon.

You're good.

Listen, honey, I got a call from Aunt Lois this morning. She is in the

What happened?

Broke her ankle.

Again?

The other ankle.

That woman was not meant to ski.

Is she going to be okay?

She'll be fine, but she just can't get around.

I'm going to have to go down there, and I'll probably have to stay about a week.

No problem, Mom. I can take care of myself.

And don't say I'm too young.

Fine. But just so you're not lonely, I've spoken with your brother, and he's

agreed to come down from Starkwell to keep you company.

Mom, come on, give me a break.

Mike is just going to yell at me and boss me around all day.

He hates me. No, he doesn't. He worries about you. It's just how he shows he

cares. Well, I'd be a whole lot happier if he cared just a little bit less.

Look, I'm going to leave you enough money to get you through next week.

are frozen dinners in the freezer.

use the money to buy some healthy food.

Don't just eat junk food all week, okay? Okay.

Just five days out of seven.

Listen, I'm sorry I'm going to miss the awards ceremony tonight.

It's okay, Mom.

I haven't won yet.

Hey, who knows? You might not be missing anything.

I may stink out loud today.

I doubt that.

But no matter what happens, I am very, very proud of you.

And I know your dad would be twice as proud.

Mom, you don't think Dad would have been disappointed if I didn't go to

Starkville, do you?

You just win that scholarship to Peterson.

Platoon!

Dismissed!

Yes.

All right, sir.

Go. You want to see me, sir?

Cadet Martin, I understand your squad is close to failing this semester.

It's not my fault. The guys are just lazy.

The squad's grades are down because of them, not me, sir. Addie.

Listen, son, you work hard around here. You know your regulations forwards and

backwards, but you don't know jack about being a leader.

Being a leader is more than just yelling and screaming and blaming everything on

everybody else.

These men are like your brothers.

Listen, when your dad taught here, he told me something. He said a man will

follow orders if he fears you, but he'll save your life if he loves and respects

you.

Now, Captain Pinnock told me about your situation at home. I suggest you take

this time off and you seriously think about whether or not you're suited for a

career in the military.

And believe me, son, it's not for everyone.

Hand it over.

This is a school, not a video arcade. Why do you think your grades are down?

keeping this. You'll get it back in the next semester.

If you get it back at all. Who's the lucky kid Van Dusen's picking on today?

Anita Morris.

She's in my little brother's class.

She's really nice.

They always are.

Bombs away!

Thanks.

How was me?

Meanwhile, the privileged few continue to get away with anything.

It's unfair with a capital U.

Check these out.

My newest one.

Let me see that.

Hey, be careful with those. My presentation is on the other side.

What? Oh.

Morning, people.

I'm going to try and keep it brief this morning.

We have just two items of business to attend to.

First,

if any of you had the Spanish rice for lunch yesterday, please see Nurse

if you're feeling different.

Second, all eighth graders should report to the auditorium for fifth period for

the Donald Peterson Memorial Awards competition.

All the finalists for the awards will be called up onto the stage.

I want to thank you for your time. Have a nice day. You know, let's try and

stuff our brains with things that we don't already know. Shall we?

This is so cool.

Watch this.

Yeah, are you okay?

That tickle, buddy?

Ronnie! Enough with the soccer.

Get to class.

Hurry up and collect those, Mr. Martin.

No problem, Mr. Van Dusen.

Not a very flattering likeness of me.

Oh.

Oh, it's not you, Mr. Van Dusen. Perhaps we should discuss your artistic

endeavors with your mother.

Give me the rest.

But, Mr. Van Dusen, I need those. My presentation is on the other side.

At the risk of sounding like I'm saying you should have thought of that before?

Well... You should have thought of that before!

You'll have to rewrite them on more appropriate cards.

Bad attitude.

Man, I can't believe this.

I'm dead.

There's no time to write up that whole presentation over again.

People! How are we?

We're busy here, Ronnie.

So, uh... So, Martian, I hear you're my main competition for the scholarship.

That's not his name. And if you're his competition, I wouldn't call it very

competitive, can you, jerk?

Anyway, hey.

Hey, hi.

Yeah. I wanted to invite you to a little victory party that I'm throwing after I

win the Donald Peterson Award.

Throwing a little victory bash in my pool house.

I'm busy.

I wasn't talking to you.

Hope to see you there, Trace.

Gentlemen.

Don't worry.

You're going to mop up the floor with him. The only downside is that we won't

get to go to the party at his pool house.

You need to be supportive.

I'm serious.

That pool house is amazing.

It's like he's got his own place.

He's got his own phone with his own number.

He's got a pool table, video games.

I hear he even has a pool.

Okay, class. Let's get to work.

You want to speak to me, Jack?

Are you prepared for this presentation?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Got the winning speech right here.

Not that ridiculous idea you had why Jackie Chan would make a cool president,

it?

Oh.

Look, you.

Your grandfather doesn't think I'm doing a good job of raising you. He also

doesn't think you have a chance of winning that scholarship. And frankly,

that account, I tend to agree with him. We have to prove old Armand wrong. We

have to win that scholarship.

Now, J. Martin.

has an incredible presentation on recycling that's well thought out and

impeccably worded.

You have about 20 minutes to come up with a better presentation than his.

I have to meet with the food services people.

I have to sweep the Spanish rice thing under the carpet.

Recycling, huh?

I don't get it.

Peterson is less expensive than Starkwell.

Why would you have to go to Starkwell if you don't want him?

Well, my mom can't afford either one.

But my dad taught at Starkwell, so we can get in for practically nothing.

Competition's up for 15 minutes.

Try to do your presentation for us from memory.

I don't think I can.

Just try.

All right.

Here it goes.

Good afternoon.

Today, I want to talk to you about garbage.

Each year, Americans produce enough trash and refuse to fill a convoy of

that would reach halfway to the moon.

Each year, Americans produce enough trash and refuse... refuse...

refuse to fill a convoy of trucks that would reach halfway to the moon.

And it is estimated that within a century, we will run out of landfill to

our waste.

Then how am I supposed to get up there and give the exact same speech right

after Ronnie?

I'd look like an idiot.

Well, why didn't you say something?

I don't have any proof. What's the use?

What's the use?

You could go into Peterson Academy with me next year. Remember Peterson?

The one with the really great art program?

Or you could just settle for the all -boy military academy upstate with your

brother.

Hey, don't break on that scholarship, Martian, but, uh, guess the best man

How does it feel to know that you won using my presentation?

What? Yeah, right, you big liar.

Don't be a sore loser, Martian. You'll have fun at the Army Academy.

You'll look cute bald.

I hope to see you at my party next week.

Don't hold your breath, cheater.

It's about my wife, Eliza Van Dusen's dog.

The Pomeranian? Yes. Her name is Camille.

Can you hold, please?

Yes, I'll hold.

I ought to be ashamed charging that much for a candy bar.

Get one.

Here we go.

Yeah, yeah.

Martin, what is it? Make it snappy. I'm on hold.

It's about the presentations.

I think there's been... Don't ever put me on hold again. Do you have any idea

who I am? I'm sorry, sir.

I wanted the nails trimmed on all four paws.

The nails in the front paws were long enough to play the piano.

I'm bringing Camille back in tomorrow.

Am I making myself clear?

Thank you.

Walk with me.

Whatever you do, don't get yourself a show dog, Martin.

With the amount of money I spend on my wife's mud every year, I could probably

send five kids to Peterson Academy.

Um, sir... Sorry about that scholarship, by the way.

Couldn't be there myself for the presentation.

These Spanish rice problems spread to the hash browns.

Yeah, um... It's about the scholarship, sir.

It seems that Ronnie somehow wound up with my presentation.

I can certainly understand how you'd be upset at not winning that scholarship.

But to accuse another student of cheating, that's what... I'm sure you're

aware of the Columbus Hall stance on cheating.

They're against it? Very much so.

Our school, Creed, written by our founder, Armand Columbus, my father -in

by the way, includes the phrase, steadfast in all that is true.

You know what that means, don't you?

It's anti -cheating. That's right.

Isn't it possible the two of you just came up with similar ideas?

It's just that Ronnie's presentation was word for word exactly like mine.

Didn't the judges say anything?

Well, no, sir.

See, I didn't give my presentation because I didn't have my materials.

You took them, remember?

That's right.

And I had them destroyed.

So there.

Ronnie couldn't have taken your materials.

Could you maybe just ask Ronnie about it?

Why not ask?

Mrs. Pintuff? Yes, sir? Call Ronnie to my office, please.

I'll try to get to the bottom of this. In the meantime, let's not go around

spreading any unsubstantiated rumors.

Ronnie?

In my office.

Excuse me, I'm going to need a hall pass to get back to class.

Oh, um, yeah, I've got a bunch here somewhere.

Look, I should have a bunch here somewhere.

You never know, I have been missing a lot of hall passes lately.

I'm going to go borrow one from Mr. Novak.

Do that all the time. I'll be right back.

Thanks.

Did you steal Jay Martin's presentation?

You told me to win the demo.

This isn't too low, even for you.

Did you honestly think the Martin kid wasn't going to notice?

Well, I thought about it, see.

See, but I gave my presentation before he did. And I knew that he wasn't going

to get up there and do the exact same presentation.

Pretty smart, huh?

Where are his cards?

Oh, I left them in my locker. I didn't use them. I copied them over.

I want you to get rid of those cards.

I don't want any evidence linking you bad dudes into cheating.

I understand.

Freddo, get me out of your mind.

Can I go now?

One more thing we need to talk about.

These. They look like detention slips.

Are they mine?

Your mother's been complaining to your grandfather that you're out of control.

You mess up one more time, mister.

And there's going to be dire consequences.

Dire! Okay, I got you.

Let's see your pass.

I don't have one.

Morning detention tomorrow?

Wait just a second. Here is his pass.

He must have dropped it back there.

Thanks, Ronnie.

Why did you do that?

Please, Dorico.

Now listen, I don't need you ruining detention for me and my friends, okay?

We have a sweet deal going. And you'll come in and you'll be all... Behavy.

See? And we don't need that.

It's worth the two bucks I could have gotten for the pass.

Now take a hike.

Hey, Marshal.

Come on, you roto!

Nice wheels, buddy.

It's the Martin residence.

Please leave a message after the tone and we'll get back to you as soon as we

can. Thanks.

Hey, little brother, it's me. If you're home, pick up the phone, please.

Come on, pick it up. Pick up.

Jay, I know you're sitting there listening to this.

All right, look.

I'm not going to be able to get home tonight, okay?

My chief broke down and the guy won't be able to get the party until tomorrow.

So, I want you to call up the Zachary.

And ask them if you can stay at their place tonight, okay?

My new ETA will be 1 ,600 hours tomorrow.

And, Jay, no screw -ups.

If you told Mr. Van Dusen that he'll have to investigate it, there's an honor

court at Columbus.

Steadfast in all their... I told you, Van Dusen already knows, and he's not

going to do anything about it.

I'm not going to wind up at Starkville next year.

They're going to shave my head and make me wear boots.

Do you want to pet Clancy?

I've heard that petting a dog can really stress.

I don't think so.

Dogs hate me.

Clancy likes you. He told you that, did he?

No way.

Dogs have a whole lot of ways of communicating.

Fine, fine, fine. Have Clancy send me an email.

Look, look, I'm sorry.

It's just I'm so upset.

My life is so unfair.

So do something.

Don't just sit around and mope about it. There has to be a way you can prove

that Ronnie stole your presentation.

And if you have some proof, if they didn't even go to the teachers who were

judges.

I just thought of a plan.

I gotta go.

Whoa, whoa, wait!

We're late. I'm not going to start with that as you're the headmaster.

Ronnie?

Ronnie is the Peterson Scholarship winner, and I couldn't be prouder.

Hello? Hug the kid in the car if you have to hug him. I'd like to get there

sometime tonight.

much money on, they sure don't watch out for it very well.

All right, come on to my place.

We'll call your owners when we get there.

All right, then I have to wait until after Van Dusen's get home from the

ceremony to call them.

So, um...

What do dogs eat?

Here we go.

Like pasta?

There you go.

Do you want some meatloaf or something?

Are you okay?

Hey, maybe you should stop eating after that tofu egg salad.

Did you kidnap the Van Dusen's dog?

Is that your plan?

I didn't kidnap it. It just kind of followed me home when I was at their

looking for evidence.

Hey, I'm going to call the Van Dusens to come get it after the awards ceremony.

Well, how are you going to explain being at their place?

Did anybody see you?

Well, their maid saw me, but I put on a mask before she could know who I was.

Jay, you're in trouble. The maid saw somebody sneaking around, and their

show dog is missing.

You're going to call, and Van Dusen is going to know you were there.

You think?

Listen, just bring the dog back to Van Dusen's house and leave her.

Go in there. Go. Go in there. Stay.

is where you live.

So stay in there. Go.

Okay? Go.

Coming home with me.

Okay?

Stop following me, man.

Go home.

No, no, you are not coming home with me.

Forget it. You're going to Starkwell.

Camille! Come here, Camille!

Get... Put it anywhere you want.

Okay.

Ronnie, come on!

Not on the floor.

Camille?

Camille? Camille? Camille?

Welcome to ESPN's highlights of today's Masters Action.

Reporting from the clubhouse... Ward, I can't find Camille.

She must be around here somewhere.

I've looked everywhere.

Everywhere, Eliza? That seems improbable. Come help me look.

She's fine now.

Ronnie said the pool house is okay. Probably just some neighborhood kids.

you notice anything missing?

Yes, Camille.

What if they took her?

She's a valuable show dog. They must know how much she's worth.

She's fine.

But the regional dog show trials are only a week away. She has to be ready to

compete. She's probably just scared and hiding. She'll turn up. She always turns

up. Ward, you know how Camille gets without her medications. Without her

medications.

Calm down, Nigel.

Damage.

Gotta get rid of the dog first.

I just don't know how to get it back to the Van Dusens without them thinking I

stole it.

Tried leaving the stupid dog there again last night, but she wouldn't stay.

What if you called them up and disguised your voice so they didn't know it was

you and told them you were leaving the dog in a basket in the park and they

could just come and pick it up?

Hey, that's not such a bad idea.

Testing, one, two, three.

Hello?

Good morning, Mr. Andrews.

Who is this?

I have your dog.

Really?

You've kidnapped our dog?

No. No.

No, I didn't kidnap it. You didn't kidnap the dog.

That's funny.

I thought that's what it was called when someone breaks into a house, steals a

person's dog, then calls up with a disguised voice asking for a ransom.

Mr. Van Dusen, you don't understand. No, you don't understand.

I'm glad you took the dog. You can keep her. Don't even try to bring her back.

And if I find you anywhere near my house with that dog, I'll have you arrested

so fast, it'll make your head spin.

Oh, and by the way, how's Camille doing without her medication?

Sadly, I won't be needing these allergy pills anymore.

I'll never sneeze again without that medicine.

You might as well stop.

Because I'm not letting you out until I figure out what to do with you.

You don't ever give up, do you?

Garage got the part for the Jeep early.

Is that okay with you?

Hey, what is up with that?

Oh, I had a little accident.

Climbing a tree.

Yeah, whatever.

Hey, those are my socks!

Man, do we have to start this again? I do own socks. I don't steal yours.

Yeah, whatever. We'll just have a little look in your dresser, shall we?

Here, carry this.

You're going to have to toughen up, little brother.

We're going to cut it at Starkwell next year.

Come on, keep up. Let's go.

Double time.

Now, I heard about the Peterson Scholarship.

How? Rule number one, little brother.

Always have informants, okay?

Now, I know you worked hard on that scholarship, but don't sweat it. You're

better off.

Don't go in there!

Why not?

Maybe a nice amount of crystal.

Maybe a Reuben, some sauerkraut.

I missed you.

Nice try.

Excuse me.

I can explain.

Come here, you.

You threw a party, didn't you? No.

No, you don't understand.

I was just... You little meat stain. When I get through with you, there isn't

going to be enough of you left to spread on toast. Come here.

Oh, you're dead, meat stain.

What was that?

No, don't. No,

no, no.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

See?

There's nothing in there, okay?

Yeah, see?

It's the Van Dusen's dog.

Headmaster Van Dusen? He wanted me to watch it for a while, and I asked Mom,

she said it was okay. Oh, yeah, right.

Prove it.

Well, how am I supposed to prove it?

Why else would I have the Van Dusen's dog?

Yeah, well, you know what?

I'm not taking responsibility for this stupid pooch, okay? Now, you get out

there and clean up that mess. I'm not helping. Get out there and subdue that

dog.

She should be okay.

Hey, you really saved my skin back there.

Don't mention it. You think well on your feet.

And you keep a cool head under pressure.

Those are good qualities in a soldier.

Mr. Columbus, sir.

Ward, we've been all through this.

Mr. Columbus was my father. Besides, we're family.

You can just call me sir.

Yes, sir. I guess you've heard about our tragedy.

Poor Camille. That's why I'm here.

Eliza called me distraught. She loves that dog.

As do we all, sir.

I'll cut right to the chase, Ward.

Find that dog. Whatever it takes.

Eliza wants to win that dog show.

Make my daughter happy, or I'll find a competent headmaster for my school.

Where's the money mom left?

In the cookie jar.

And when you get finished over here, get started on the living room. And I

suggest you shake a leg. We've got some calisthenics to get to, soldier.

What? No way.

Hey, don't give me any lip, all right?

This is for your own good. Now, you may be smart, but you're still a little

scrawny. You won't last a week at Starkwell.

Now, what's Van Dusen's number? I'm going to call him and tell him to pick

his insane dog.

No, no, no.

I mean, I'll do it.

You know, this is all my fault anyway, so I should be responsible for it.

That's what I like to hear.

Good, good, little brother. You're taking responsibility for yourself.

Now, I'm going to be upstairs napping, and when Mom calls, I want to talk to

her.

Please ring.

I'll be a nicer person, I promise.

I won't ever... Hello?

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Van Dusen. Oh, it's you.

Yeah, I'm going to leave your dog in the park.

What do you want, $2 ,000?

Because that's all she's worth, really.

No, no, that's not what I... Okay, okay, $5 ,000. It's in the park. Let's meet

at the ice skating rink. Four o 'clock, okay?

Do I even want to know what you were up to in there?

I thought you were taking a nap.

I changed my mind.

Well, I didn't want to disturb you, so I called up Mr. Van Dusen and asked him

if I can bring the dog back now.

He said meet him at the park, so can I get a lift?

Well, I guess I do owe you from before, so let's go.

You asked Van Dusen for money? What?

Excuse me?

For the damages to the house.

I mean, his dog caused it. I'd say it's at least a couple hundred bucks worth.

Oh. Oh, I... Hey, hey. Ask him, okay? He's loaded.

He owes us.

Okay. All right. Sure.

I'll ask.

Oh, no, man. She's waking up. What?

No, see, now you're going to have to tell Van Dusen that you lost his dog.

Well, she's a small dog. She can't go too far.

No, you know what? I did not sign up for a search and rescue, okay? This is your

responsibility now.

I'm going home.

And when you get home, if I just so happen to be asleep, please don't

wake me, all right?

to take care of?

What kind of business?

Doggy business.

and use and fork over.

Um, well, well, he didn't give me any money because you know how he is.

Says it's not his fault.

Jay, come on, little brother.

His dog is a nutcase.

You don't ask someone to watch your dog and then not tell them that.

You know what?

I'll get him to pay. No, no, no, don't do that.

Because, um, because you can't.

Actually, yes, I can. Why? Because he owes us. Now hand over the phone.

Give me that.

I gotta tell you.

How could you let this happen to you?

You should have spoken up right from the very beginning, right when you knew

that Ronnie was giving your presentation.

You have got to find a spine, little brother. You're gonna get crushed at

Starkwell.

Man, enough with the Starkwell stuff already.

I don't want to go to Starkwell.

I don't want the same things you want, Mike.

I want to study art.

Art is for people who think that they're better than everyone else.

And I'll tell you something else, little brother. If it wasn't for the military,

people wouldn't even be able to waste their time with art because there

be any freedom.

Dad would have wanted me to do whatever I wanted to do.

Look, I can't get involved with this.

A thing like this could ruin my military career. You figure it out.

I'm not helping.

I don't want any part of this.

Why would this time be any different?

You never helped me with anything.

That's because you've always been such a little baby.

Gosh, you're such a snot.

Oh, here come the tears. Go ahead, cry, baby.

Man, I hate you.

This is what I get.

This is what I get after being a brother and a father to you for the past six

years. It's really nice, Jay.

Man, you were nothing to me.

You just don't remember.

You were too young when it happened.

Man, I used to do a ton of stuff for you. But I remember plenty.

This one night for sure.

Right after he died.

I was seven years old.

I had a nightmare and I crawled into your bed.

I was crying and you woke up and you pushed me out.

You wouldn't even listen to me.

All you said to me was stop being such a baby.

But I was seven, Mike.

I was a baby.

I don't remember that.

Well, I'll never forget it.

That's what I learned. I should never count on you.

Hey.

Forget about the stupid dog, okay?

It followed you home. It got out on its own. It probably would have been lost

anyway.

I don't know, Mike.

And it sort of is my fault that the dog got out.

Please.

I'm sure that silly dog couldn't wait to get away from Van Dusen.

Come on.

Someone will find it, adopt it. It'll be much happier.

I guess.

And I'm going to call Van Dusen and get to the bottom of this stolen

presentation thing.

No one steals from the Martins. If Ronnie won with your presentation, then

deserve that scholarship, and I'm going to get it for you.

But Van Dusen is just going to deny it.

We'll see.

Don't worry about it.

You okay?

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

I've been over all this with your brother, Michael.

Ronnie wrote that presentation himself.

End of story.

Are we clear on this now?

Good.

What did he say?

Oh, he said Ronnie wrote the presentation.

Told you he would say that. Well, he's obviously lying.

How can you tell? Well, his mouth was moving, for one. And secondly, Van

pond scum, okay? He's always been pond scum. That's how I know he's lying.

Hey, do you remember that time when I was at Columbus and I got cut from the

baseball team to make room for his nephew who never played baseball before

his life? Well, Mike, there's nothing we can do about it now.

Well, we have to do something.

I mean, we can't just let Van Dusen get away with this.

You know what?

Here's what we'll do.

We'll find this butt of his, right? And since Van Dusen seems so eager to pay a

reward for his lost pooch, we'll just let him.

But in the meantime, we have to stall for time while we look for the dog.

Wait, Mike, are you sure this is the right thing to do?

Hey, this is about family honor, Jay.

You're going to the Peterson Academy.

You worked hard for that scholarship, all right? You deserve it.

Okay, what did you do with my brother, Mike?

Ha -ha, very funny.

Hey, but if we do this, we're going to do it the Army way, okay? Strict and

covert. Not a word about this to anyone, you understand?

All right. All right.

It is going to be a great party. It will. It's going to be great. But it

be even better if you could be there.

Yay!

Hey, Ronnie.

Martian? What's up?

Anyway, listen.

If you guys need hall packs, I mean, if you do, if you need them, I am running a

specialist two for one.

You should call me about the party or, you know, you should e -mail me, page

fax me, write me, whatever.

All right, bitch? Bye.

I'm glad you made it, Jay. Ronnie's been hanging around me like a mosquito.

He never stops being a pest.

Jay Martin, please report to Mr. Van Dusen's office.

Jay Martin, report to Mr. Van Dusen's office.

Mr. Martin.

Yes, sir?

My dog is missing.

I want to talk to you about getting her back.

I am so sorry, Mr. Benjamin. Yeah, yeah, I know. Looks like a textbook dog

-napping job.

Obviously, somebody knows how much a prize show dog is worth.

I'm putting student council in charge of posting reward signs as president. I

want you to organize it.

$5 ,000 for information leading to the return of Camille.

Wow.

That's a lot of money.

Whoever tries to bring a little fluffball back is obviously the dog

When they show up with the dog, have him arrested, everybody's happy.

I want them up by tonight.

300 signs.

No excuses.

Go, go, go!

Oh, yes, sir.

He talked about them getting arrested.

What do I do?

He wants to start a war? All right.

We could play that game for a little while. What about the posters?

Stall as long as you can, all right? Meet me at home 1 ,600 hours.

Yes, hello.

Hello there, Dixie.

Where were you last night? I waited over an hour.

Where was I? Where were you?

I was there.

At the fountain?

The marble statue of the angels in the center of the park?

You said the ice skating rink near the entrance.

That is insane.

Why would I ever agree to meet you at an ice rink?

Witnesses, man!

Hold your common sense, will you? Look, I don't have to. Fine.

I forgive you. What?

All right, now here's what we're going to do, okay? Just so there's no

or mix -ups.

I want you to meet me at, um... Mrs. B's Bakery.

At exactly four o 'clock.

Come along.

No cops.

I want you to purchase a large sheet cake and have them write on it.

Try to use the phone, man.

Excuse me. Get to stepping. All right. Have them write on it.

The Itsy Bitsy Spider in blue, no, red icing.

That is ludicrous.

Of course it's ludicrous. That's the point. That decent man.

You want the dog. Don't you? You want the dog. Tell me you want the dog.

Now, listen up, all right?

This is a little more.

Uh, Jay, why can't we just make one poster and photocopy it, like, 300

Well, Van Dusen wants colorful, attractive posters.

If they were all the same, people would start ignoring them, right?

All right guys, we need 300 posters, so pick up the pace

All right, guys, it's time to assemble the posting team.

I'll lead it, and I'll take, um...

Bill and Andy.

Bill and Andy, are you kidding?

I thought I'm using one of these posters up by this century.

They haven't even finished their first poster.

Well, guys, we need about 150 more, so let's keep them coming.

Come on.

Hey, thanks, Jay. This is way cooler than coloring.

Yeah, way, way cooler.

Here, give me some of this.

You know, we're going to have to split up if we're going to get all these

posters out by tonight.

Oh, where do you want them posted?

You know what, Andy?

I'm going to let you guys decide where you think the most people will check

out.

Oh, and, uh, good luck, guys.

Itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.

Down came the rain and washed the spider out.

I just knew he'd pick us.

I just knew.

This is perfect because people...

It's not going to bite you.

All right.

Are you sure about this? Yeah, I'm positive.

All right. Yeah, close it up tight.

Bitty, bitty spider went up the water spout.

Down came the rain and washed the spider out.

Out came the sun.

and dried up all the rain. And the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again.

The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.

Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun.

Oh, the itsy bitsy spider went up the garden hose.

Down came the snow and broke the spider's nose.

What about that pole over there?

Here you go.

Okay.

the dog by Friday, sir.

Friday. Absolutely.

I promise.

I'm not kidding. All righty then. Bye -bye. I'm tired of your excuses, Ward.

Yes, sir. Bye -bye. The dog show is Friday. I want that dog. Yes, sir.

I'm sorry,

sir. I wasn't hanging the phone up. I did everything you asked me to and you

still didn't show up. You called the police, didn't you? I did no such thing.

You're just trying to make a buffoon out of me. I'm done with your games.

Now you hold on a minute. I don't have a minute, Van Dusen. So listen up, all

right?

4 .30 today.

Go by the bowling alley.

Get yourself a bright orange bowling ball.

I want you to bowl 10 straight frames of gutter balls.

Not one pin knocked down. You understand me, mister?

At the last frame, your ball will be returned to you with a note attached

telling you where to find the dog.

Does your wife have a frilly robe and some fluffy slippers?

Yes!

Tuesday! Ha ha! Four for ten!

Guess it's not my night.

Where's that note?

I want my note!

Where's my note?

Promise me your note!

I want it! Give it to me now!

I want that note!

without getting it burned into your mind. All right, now, just stay behind

all right? She might make a run for it.

All right, come on.

Watch my back, all right? Come here.

Come on, stay close. Stay close. Come on.

Nice. Well done, little brother.

Come here, you stupid dog.

Hello.

She acts a lot more normal now.

Yeah. I guess all she needed was to run around and burn off some energy, you

know? I mean, she spends half her life with the groomer, and the other half

going to dog shows.

She just needed to chill out and be a regular dog for a while.

Now we can really set up that trade, right?

I got a good feeling about this, Jay.

I've been informed that we're up and running at your house as well.

Good.

I want that miscreant behind bars as soon as possible.

You, uh,

you want to... What?

You wanted to see me, sir?

I want 300 new posters, Martin, with a police hotline number on them. Get on it

right away.

No way.

No way.

Excuse me, are you going to be long? Because I have to make a really

call. Are you serious?

No way.

No way.

Really? No way.

No way, no way, no way.

What do you mean?

Well, either we settle this matter today or it does not get settled at all.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, right.

I'm so sure.

No way.

He is not.

She is not.

We are not? This is an emergency. I'm really sorry.

Let's just keep it nice and simple, all right? Let's meet...

You know what? Hold on. That's my other line.

Put me on hold.

That's excellent. That buys more time.

We just need two minutes.

Hello? The police are tapping Van Dusen's phone.

What?

I'm on the other line with him right now.

Hang up. Hang up now.

Van Dusen?

Yes.

I thought of a place.

You know, I gotta go by.

He hung up on me.

The trace must not have gone through.

We can't just turn her in now.

Maybe we can let her loose and hopefully someone will find her.

What if she gets hit by a car?

I can't live with that.

It's either that or we go to jail.

Do you understand, Jay?

Our lives could be ruined by this.

Look, I'm sorry I got you involved in this.

Look, if we get arrested, I promise I will take all the blame.

If I wasn't such a wimp, none of this would have ever happened.

No, see, we're in this together.

And we'll get out of it together.

Good.

I think I got a plan that'll get us out of all this.

All right, well, let's hear it.

Okay.

First...

So...

What do you think of my disguise?

I told you, man.

It looks like you cut it off the dog.

Really?

It's because I did.

I don't know about this, little brother.

It seems really risky to me.

It's simple.

See, look.

The police are in the main house.

So I'll just sneak through the neighbor's backyards and into the pool

But if Ronnie's there, you should distract him for a little bit.

We'll be fine.

I guess.

But I don't really know a whole lot about BMX bikes.

Just wing it.

Okay, when you hear the bird call, call, call.

Get out of there.

Hey, did you try this off from memory?

Yeah. It's really good, Jay.

Thanks.

All right, Camille.

Ready to go home?

Oh, I'm going to miss you, too.

So long, puppy dog.

gonna take you for a little walk in the basket, okay?

Good girl.

She's a good dog.

How'd you get her to do that?

I don't know.

I was just nice to her.

All right.

Wish me luck.

You don't need luck, little brother.

It's a good plan.

Hi.

Who are you? Hi.

I'm Fred... Fredrickson. Yeah, I'm a reporter from BMX Magazine. I was

if you'd be interested in doing a small review for the magazine?

Wait. Wait, how did you know I like BMX bikes? Well, you do subscribe to the

magazine, don't you? No, no, I don't. I get my issues up the street.

Okay, well, you know what? If you're not interested in getting a free BMX bike

for writing a real kid's review, that's okay. No, actually, I'm interested.

What do I do?

Get the bike.

Well, just answer a few questions for us to see if you qualify, okay? Let's have

them.

Okay, um, questions.

Let's see what we got here.

Okay, BMX stands for what exactly?

Bicycle motocross. Next.

Okay.

The BMX frame rides on... What are those called?

You mean... Tires?

Good, mister.

You're really good.

Okay, um... Well... To pop a wheelie means to do what in BMX jargon? You know

what? These questions are ridiculous. Oh, you know what? That's wrong. I'm

sorry. No, you know what? I know the answer. I can only

accept your initial answer to the question.

What was that?

Oh, sorry. I had a little rumble in the stomach. I'm a little hungry.

All right. Okay, so tell me, what kind of axle grease does a PMX rider, Kia

Viestra, prefer?

What's the guy's name?

Kia Viestra.

It's in the throat.

Yeah. I don't know.

Oh, Mr. Van Dusen.

Sorry I had to hang up on you the last time.

I, uh... I stubbed my toe.

Henry, this is your last chance to get your dog back. So listen up.

I'm listening.

Meet me behind Feynman's Deli in one hour.

It's secluded there.

Goodbye, Mr. Van Dusen.

No, wait, can... Yeah, I'm up.

No, he didn't break the connection. We're still tracing.

Time for a long goodbye, but you be good, okay?

Well,

Mars is the fourth, fifth, or sixth planet from the sun.

Wait, that has nothing to do with BMX flying at all. Bye, Camille.

You know what? It's a moot point because you didn't pass the test.

Wait, what do you mean I didn't pass? I got one wrong. No, no, no. See, you

missed the whole pop a wheelie question. Yes, I did. I got one wrong. Thank you

so much for playing. I appreciate your time, okay? But we've got a lovely

parting gift for you today. Please enjoy these free BMX magazines. Have a great

day, okay?

Bye -bye.

I won, really.

It says the call's coming in from this address.

It can't be. We're all right here.

Except for...

Hello? Hello, indeed.

Oh, hey, you found Camille.

We certainly did.

And I, for one, am speechless. My own son. I would never have guessed. Oh, is

little baby all right?

Is this what you're going to do with the money? Buy a BMXer I already said you

couldn't have?

First of all, stop calling it a BMXer. That's not what it is. And second of

what are you talking about?

Don't play innocent with us, young man.

Kidnapping your own mother's dog, how low can you get?

I'd say the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree, Ward.

Everybody wants to get where they're going as fast as they can, including

with physical challenges.

Our town can make greater efforts to create a more handicap -assessable

environment.

With the addition of moving sidewalks throughout the entire town and...

Automatic doors outside of every building.

We could begin the process of reversing discrimination against the physically

challenged in our world and eventually in the entire world.

Mr. Martin will be attending the Donald Peterson Academy on a full scholarship.

Good job, man. Well done.

Thank you.

Come here. Come here.

Yeah, knucklehead.

Before we call the graduates up to receive their diplomas, I'll make a

speech about the promise of the future. Then you will introduce our keynote

speaker, Nurse Ketchum.

You buzzed, sir?

Yes, Ward.

I'd like another orange soda, with less ice this time.

And another root beer for Mr.

Martin.

but I just had to stop by with the good news.

See that?

I've never seen Camille take to someone like that.

Guess I'd just have a way with dogs.

This dog is an excellent judge of character.

What are you doing here, dear?

Oh, I just had to come by. I couldn't wait.

I just came from the vet, and he said that Camille is just... He said all this

time she was probably just stressed.

That couldn't wait until I got home.

Oh, no, this couldn't. It's the most wonderful news in the world.

Camille is going to have puppies.

Of course I want to keep most of them.

But since Camille seems to like Jay so much, would you like one of her puppies?

Yeah, thanks.

But the puppies will play havoc with my allergies.

Oh, I know.

With Ronnie off at school, you can move into the pool house.

It's for your own good.

Thank you, dear.

Hey, Mr. Van Dusen.

Congratulations on the puppies.

Wouldn't have happened to a nicer guy.