Original subtitles

This is a story of six women, a theater, a play, springtime

in New York, and what it is that men and women really want from each other.

That's me there, Wallace Green, doing some elementary research into American

sexual behavior.

It was a very exciting business coming to New York to direct my first American

play, and before it was over, no, wait.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

First, let's meet our cast of characters.

The active members of the downtown amateur theatre group.

That's Lucy McGee, housewife.

She wants to get out from behind the ironing board and into the bright

And who can blame her?

Colby Jones.

She's never ironed anything, except maybe a damp stock certificate now and

Definitely, as you say over here, a class act.

Good morning, Priscilla.

Priscilla Parks.

She's a nice kid, but really scattered.

Works hard and plays hard.

So it's easy to forget those little details like where you slept last night

when you last went home and fed the cat.

And finally, we have our transplanted southern bells, Faye and Ray Dunbar.

So that's the group.

And the play?

A wickedly funny farce called Sex Play, which almost turned out to be too hot to

handle.

Today, we finally move into the theater for a last week of rehearsal.

Maybe.

Hey, we're going to be late.

Goddamn alarm clock stopped again.

Piece of junk. Oh, son of a bitch.

Don't I ever get to see you guys anymore?

It's after eight, honey.

Ray, get your clothes on. I'm just going to throw my coat on. Walter, Skinny's

alive. We're not there on the dial. Hurry up.

Oh, hi, Ike.

How's Mike?

Well, that's good.

Nah, you missed them again by a whisker.

They went to that damn theater group.

Yeah, I'll tell them.

Yeah, you have a pretty good day yourself.

Right.

Well, good buddy.

Looks like we got the day off.

Hmm?

Hmm, try a helicopter.

Just what New York needs is other comedians.

No, I think I need another token. I think it's too fancy.

Look, here.

Take a pack.

Looks like rain.

I get sick in town.

Now. Will I see you again?

Madam, please.

Oh, all right.

Tell me, Miss Jones, how do the lovely ladies of the downtown theater feel

moving into an actual, off, off, off, off, not quite Broadway theater?

We feel very excited.

And we also need the show.

Well, I was in an avant -garde version of Hamlet once. I played an electric

razor. In Hamlet?

Please let me come to just one rehearsal.

I promise I'll sit all the way in the back and I won't say a word.

No, no, this theater is all fun.

And you can see the show next Saturday like everybody else.

Now, out.

You know, you made everything sound like an audition.

Occupational hazard.

Oh, my goodness. I should be late.

You know, that theater should have been condemned years ago.

Yes, but just think how historical it is, though. Al Jolson played there.

Hayes. And Terry Termite.

Theaters are magic.

Ordinary mortals like you just don't understand.

Put the casserole in the microwave on reheat, okay?

Not dull.

Dull makes the fish turn all gummy.

I might be eating out. You hate to eat out.

What the hell are you doing?

My underwear's all bunched up.

You don't have to show the world.

I could lose my job, you know, for driving you around in the company car.

Well, you better go then. I'll take the bus home.

Good morning. Good morning.

Well, this is it.

Now, before we go in, I'd just like to say that I... Well, it's green. You give

a speech at the opening of a Pepsi bottle.

I realize that a lot of you and your families are making personal sacrifices

you can be here today, and I do appreciate it.

We're in the presence of a lot of magic here.

And I know we're going to make this old theater proud to have us on its boards.

Okay? All right.

There's a wolf at the door.

Do you suppose it means anything?

Probably not.

Why don't you kiss me and we'll see if that means anything? Because it won't.

It would pass the time, though. Oh, we could jump rope.

Good. That was perfect.

Let's go back and do it again with feeling in it, like Wallace said.

Yeah. You know, I've been thinking about what else you said.

You know, about women being afraid to touch each other's bodies?

Yeah. Well, that is true, isn't it? I mean, at least it is with you, me, and

Wayne.

I mean, we just make a Wayne sandwich, and he's a star, and we're just there

him. Is that so bad? I mean, what are we supposed to do?

Well, why don't you kiss me and see if it does mean anything?

You're kidding.

No.

Why not? Let's try it.

Okay.

This isn't so bad.

I know.

How do you feel?

I feel good.

Your mouth is so soft.

That could be so good.

That could be so good.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I had my lines. I practiced them all the way

down on the subway.

I didn't make one mistake.

Let me try it again. Please.

Ladies.

Ladies and ladies.

Sexual passion in Patagonia, once thought to be extinct, is now making a

comeback.

A dark... Shit, I really do know this.

A dark comeback between the legs of dishonor.

Spewing a spawn... No, spawn from...

Oh, say, look, you're so good.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, Priscilla. Oh, God. Priscilla.

Come on down.

Come on.

Don't be shy.

They call it the name of art now.

Come up here. Oh, yeah.

Would you mind?

Oh. Oh.

Come on.

My wife left her lunch.

Oh, I love it. Is this or is this not the essence of cab drivers?

Who does your theme?

Look, pal, I just came here to give my wife her lunch, okay? Not okay. No men

allowed, and especially no husbands.

Look, it's not my idea of a fun week either. However, art must be served, n

Hey, who the fuck are you and who the fuck says I can't come in? I want to see

my wife!

I am Burton of Cosmic by Burton and your wife is working on a very important

scene with Wallace Green in Can't Be Disturbed. I want to see Mr.

Green now!

And Can't Be Disturbed. Look, I'll see to it that Lucy gets her lunch.

Come back Saturday. You're going to love this show.

See what you can do, let it go.

It keeps getting wrapped up in my legs. Not it, Colby. He.

Oh. Oh.

I love you.

Oh, man.

This...

He's the most attractive man you've ever met.

You're so turned on, you can't stand still.

We all know it's a silly bear, but you've got to make that audience out

believe it's Robert Redford or Cary Grant, okay?

Yeah.

That's it.

So convincing, huh?

Not terribly, no.

I'm surprised at you, Colby.

I thought you had more imagination.

Okay, next scene, please.

Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, my God.

Priscilla, you're coming like crazy.

It's coming dripping out of your pussy.

Oh, my golly.

Tough day, yes?

Good.

Those are the best kind.

First of all, I want to congratulate you on choosing such a difficult play.

Well, most other amateur dramatics groups just choose nice little cut

of Broadway musicals and do them over and over again. They don't learn a

Yeah, like all those with just a bunch of tits and asses and dance.

Well, we're not exactly doing Lady Macbeth. I mean, my whole part's

bare ass.

But it's for art. That's the difference.

I mean, it's artistic, right?

What, my ass?

Who wants to quit?

Anyone? No.

Good.

Now go home, get some rest, and have your artistic asses back here by 8

sharp.

If you can just do that, I think we'll have a tremendous success.

Why can't I just stay home and be organized like the other girls?

Why do I have to... I mean, why can't I have a life that means something?

And cook wonderful meals.

And remember my lines.

Why do I have to bum subway tokens off of egomaniacs with stale donuts?

Priscilla always cooks when she gets upset.

The rest of the time, deli all the way.

I'm no Julia Child myself, but isn't the damn fire supposed to be under the damn

pot?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Thank you.

A lot more.

You just don't know style when you see it.

Um... Well, yes, I do.

Can't take no for an answer, can you?

Never.

Almost finished?

Almost.

You know, you must be the only one in the entire magazine who still writes in

longhand. I'm the only one who still writes. The rest are a word process.

I need you to help me rehearse.

And that outfit, or I should say lack of outfit, I don't think will get very

far.

Phil, I want to sit on your face.

Come on.

Just give it a waltz, okay?

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Now, hands up over your head.

I think I've underestimated this play.

Spread your legs a little more.

That's good.

I thought Riverski wrote gentle, absurdist allegories about human

What the fuck is that?

It's my co -star.

Relax.

Sure loves show business.

I always did.

You see, I told you this is a very tasteful play.

I can't wait for act three.

I have to do an erotic dance with this bear in act two.

And I was having so much trouble getting turned on to him.

And I thought this might help.

Oh, you're my bear, Adam.

Oh, yes. I can hear you on your tongue.

and your fingers all there.

Oh, that's it.

Mmm, yeah.

Oh, that luscious hot mouth of yours.

Oh, what a cop.

I want to sit on your cuffs. I want you to fucking do it. Yeah.

Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

Oh, God, it's so big.

Ooh. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah

This is so wet.

Lucy! Luce, come on!

I'm not gonna make it. God damn it!

Luce!

Shit.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me. You're not going out public looking like that.

Like what?

With your goddamn tits hanging out is like what?

Come on, all the girls are wearing stuff like this nowadays.

Faye and Ray helped me pick it out.

Faye and Ray are divorced.

They're both living with a guy that neither of them is married to.

So what?

So... I don't want my own wife going out in public looking like a slut.

You sure say my own a lot.

My own wife this, my own wife that.

Wallace Green says that when a character uses the same words over and over again

in his dialogue, it usually sums up where his head is at.

I don't speak fucking dialogue.

And I'm not a character. I speak fucking English.

The last thing I fucking need is a shrewd job from some sissy -ass theater

director. Wallace Green is definitely not gay.

That's a stereotype.

Yeah? Well, I met a live one the other day at the theater.

Burden F stereotype.

Fingers with the F stands for... Okay, are you happy now?

How can you eat that stuff and stay so thin?

Well, I don't really eat it. I just kind of breathe in the spirit of it and take

a few tiny bites. That's all.

My main dish is the coleslaw.

I mean, isn't she going to join us for lunch? Well, I believe she went home for

lunch. Can you blame her?

Did you see the way that boy was waiting around last night like a puppy dog?

And to walk her one block?

Well,

it looks like Phil isn't coming home for lunch. He's probably got tied up in

Midtown.

Good, now you can help me eat this chili off before I lose my self -respect and

have another bite.

No, thank you, I'm not hungry.

Well, then he's probably still flash blinded from seeing you in that dynamite

outfit and your new haircut.

Did he really like it?

Well, he really flipped out over it.

Let me tell you something, this place is dangerous.

I got so horny.

And to call the fire department.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

You're a very bad influence, you know.

Mm -hmm.

This is most unprofessional.

Usually I give my actors their notes from the morning at lunchtime.

So we try to iron out any difficulties they might have.

Then I give them their battle plan for the afternoon.

You've turned me into a sexual maniac.

I can't get through the day unless I have a quick...

What do you call it over here?

Fixed?

Well, it always stops when you can go back.

You do that and I tear your bloody ears off.

Oh,

yeah.

Okay? Okay.

Wayne, I'm glad you could see me, man. I really appreciate it. Hey, no problem,

babe. You know, a stay store Johnny's got to stick together, right?

Right. Look, I don't know exactly how to tell you this, but... But what? Come

on, shoot straight, baby. I can take it.

There's something strange going on there down at that theater, man.

Okay? I don't know about you, but I don't have the same nice little wife I

week ago.

She's never home.

And when she is at home, everything I do is fucking wrong.

Everything. Yeah, yeah.

I hear you. I know what you mean.

Last night, I said to the girls, you know, how about it?

Well, you would have thought I was a pure rattlesnake from the reaction that

broke loose. They said, we're not girls, we're women. And if you want to respect

our dignity, then you're going to have to give us our own personal space.

And that's when they gave me my own personal space and put me on the sofa.

That's cruel.

Come on, I'm telling you, something's not right about this whole theater

business. No, you're right. So what do you suspect?

Bushwhacking? Yeah.

No, it's that director, Wallace Green.

I mean, she never stops jabbering about Wallace this and Wallace that. It's like

she's under some kind of fucking spell.

Yeah. It sucks.

Alienation of affection.

That's what it is.

You know, we could sew his pants off. Yeah, if he's been keeping them on.

Whoa, wait. You think he's been going that far?

You know, I don't know, but I sure as hell want to find out. The biggest

is how do we get inside that goddamn theater?

No, I don't.

I got it.

Patty, can I see you, please?

Mike and Ike.

They and Ray's ex -husband.

They still love the girls. I mean, the women. They'll help us out.

What are they, burglars?

Betty, get Mike on the phone. I want to talk to him right away.

Okay. Okay.

They're better than that. They're building inspectors.

All right, but if you're another batch of horny husbands, I will sew your

shot -building inspectors.

Well, you can come inspect my structure anytime.

Now listen, pal, you don't let us in. We're going to be back in ten minutes

more police than you've ever seen in your life.

Oh, well, it's all very tempting. However, I'm working.

So come in, come in.

And don't say I didn't warn you about the shameless pussies walking around

name.

Oh, Wayne.

Oh, Wayne, shit.

They're our wives.

Ex -wives.

Yeah, that's just a technicality.

Oh, no, don't look now, but check out the stage.

With passion, all unspent, she's spurned and left for dying

in a sea of neutered sperm.

Too weak even to claim her credit cards.

We think you're working. Do something.

The credit. Cart credit.

It is everything to him. And me, Mrs. O 'Hearn.

It buys me addresses.

And her wounds are beyond dressing.

Yes,

excellent, Priscilla.

Lucy.

Well,

I think we got off on the wrong track here.

I mean...

You're supposed to be in pain, but you look more like you're on heat.

Wait a minute. Did you see that? She's practically humping the floorboards.

And did you hear that filthy talk?

Hey, that's dialogue.

It's allowed to be disgusting as well as it's artistic.

Effective immediately.

All women citizens of the world will be required to sit with their legs apart in

public.

Furthermore, the wearing of underpants, tight.

Pantyhose or similar impediments to viewing is from this moment struck from

annals of decency.

Ah, they're probably wearing flesh -colored tights or something like that.

I don't think so.

Nice girls will retain their status and dignity regardless of what sexual

activity may ensue.

You must be the dancer.

Good. Come along.

Come on.

This way. We've been waiting for you.

All right. Reset is over.

I couldn't get John Travolta, but I brought you a couple of warm bodies for

shadow dance.

Robert, what?

This is fair way.

Don't look or not recognize that voice. Just wave. Gee, we can't wave all

afternoon. We only have until five o 'clock, so you better get busy.

And no more funky chicken.

Okay, you two go in your beds, front and center.

Not exactly the kick of the litter, are they, Ray? No, we'll work them into

shape. You guys got any rehearsal clothes, my tag, anything?

What are you two, deaf and dumb?

Bob and Rob, we have laryngitis.

Both of you?

Oh, well, never mind.

Okay, you can't dance in those stiff -ass pants, so you might as well take

off. Come on. Come on, let's go.

Ray,

you explain the point of the dance to them, okay? Okay.

Well, the point is... Well, well, not the point, but the story goes like,

the scene you're going to be doing... Well, didn't y 'all read the script?

Well, I didn't get very far.

Yeah.

Oh, well, at least the scenery's getting a little more interesting. Okay, let's

all start with stretching out, warming up a little bit. Anybody can do that,

okay? Come on.

I got it. You got it?

A little.

Maybe a little bit more than a little.

Yeah.

Well, on with the show.

Uh,

well, anyway, the idea of this is you guys are supposed to represent symbols

male populations, which is dead. Well, not exactly dead, but, uh... Impotent.

Right. Well, anyway, what's going to happen is we're going to dance around,

you guys just stay in whatever position we put you in.

Kind of like puppets, you know? Yeah.

Um, okay, let's try one.

Okay.

I'll be dancing around. You guys just stay in any position.

Now remember, no expression, okay?

Okay, Ray. Just whatever you do, make sure you don't respond to us, okay? So

we'll be dancing around you.

Very sensually.

I got it, Ray. You got it?

Well, I know there's a cute little bun right anywhere.

That's a bun.

Okay.

Just don't respond now.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Woof.

I can't believe this happened.

Oh, come on, girls. You knew it was us all the time.

You asshole. Get out of here!

Did you see any naked men? I didn't see any naked men. Did you see any naked

men?

We don't get assies, cock.

Shit, I'm more worried about frostbite.

Don't you think they know it was us all the time, huh?

Don't you think?

Hey, don't fucking talk crazy to me.

Hey, look, I hired you. When you got a job to do, then you fucking do it. Mr.

Dunbar? There's a collect call from Mr. Mike.

Yeah, Mike, Mike, sure. Okay, I'll take care of that, Betty. Okay. Hold on.

Yes, I'll accept the charges.

Mike! Wayne, you better get down here right away and bring the reserves.

Right. And two pair of jeans, please.

Good night, Wallace.

Good night, Walt. Good night.

The house lights are still on. Did you want me to take care of it? No. You go

ahead. I have to run around and lock off anyway.

Okay. Good night, Walt. Good night.

Yes? Who's there?

Hey, what is this smug wall of green up?

Schmuck? Yeah?

Your American vernacular is so colorful, especially in the realm of registering

disgust. Look, we just want to know where he is.

Shoot now.

What are you going to do with him?

String him off like a dying coyote? For what?

Everybody in this joint is fucking nuts.

Hey, all right. Phil baby.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, Tucky.

What the fuck is this? Do I know?

Well, now, I do believe it's little old Wayne.

Sorry, I'm taking unfair advantage.

I know all about you, and you only think you know all about me.

I'm Wallace Green.

Come again? You can't be.

Wallace is a man's name.

Not in Britain it isn't.

W -A -L -L -I -S.

Sure you've heard of Wallace Simpson?

Yeah. Married one of our kings.

So?

Look, would you fellas like to come round here? Then we can have a great

argument, tooth to nail.

Yeah. Damn, she's... All right.

So what's the beef?

Ah, the beef is simple.

Alienation of affectation.

Affection.

Affection. Ah, right.

Or to put it on your level, in that vernacular, you like so much hands -off

fucking merchandise.

Is that the way you think of your wives?

Merchandise! Fucking merchandise!

Look, Phil, you better lay off because we're gonna be here till the fucking sun

goes up.

Okay, look, I'm not gonna mince around here anymore.

It was bad enough when you were at least a man.

Now, it's time to call a dyke a dyke.

And that was just my doing.

Who told you that?

What? You didn't tell me that.

Come on, I just figured it out.

If the shoe fits, right?

Aren't you a silly man?

Of course I'm not gay.

If I were, I'd simply say so.

You and Archie Bunker must be the only men left alive who still conjure with

at such a prehistoric level. Look, look, look. We just want our women back the

way they were, okay?

That's so bloody boring.

Surely no one could be happy with that stagnant condition.

As a matter of fact, you two morons are the only ones in the whole group who

have any complaints.

The trouble with you two is you've got no fucking imagination. I mean that

literally.

God, you must be so boring in bed.

If I'm analyzing this dialogue right, she said

we're done in the dick department.

Yeah. She doesn't know what she's talking about.

Oh, from a fancy, uh, speechifying aside.

A person can be articulate and still enjoy sex.

When was the last time either of you fucked a real, whole woman?

A woman of passion.

Ideas. Ambition.

Creativity.

You mean it should like you?

Forget it. Oh, yeah.

Hey, thanks, but no thanks.

Shut up and suck his cock. Shut up and suck his cock.

Shut up and suck his cock. Shut up and suck his cock.

Open it. Open it.

Oh, yeah. We're going to teach you a lesson.

Suck his cock now.

Open your mouth.

Open your mouth. Open your mouth.

Open your mouth.

Open your mouth. Open your mouth.

Open your cock.

Open it. What did I?

Come on, everyone.

You want to? You want to?

I'll make you want to. Come on, come down. Come on, come down.

Come on.

That's a piece.

That's a piece of fucking ass. Come on. I've got this, art director.

I'm going to eat my dick. I'm going to shoot right in your face, huh?

No, no.

You want it, don't you, baby?

Come on, that's right. Come on.

That's right.

You like that, huh?

Go ahead.

That's right.

Go ahead.

Don't go, bitch.

Come on.

Yeah.

Take a squat on my cock.

Take a squat on my dick.

Take a squat on my fucking dick.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm a freak.

Day one asshole.

Suck it now.

You should be nice too.

You should be real nice.

Our vernacular is not bad either.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

What do you want?

I

love

you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you.

Yes. Look at this. She wears a cock around her fucking neck.

Look at this.

See that?

Yes.

See that? She wears a cock around her fucking neck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Good job.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

is required to come to a tidy ending.

Things must actually cease at a predetermined point as not to spill over

the next show.

It is a matter of fees and feasibility.

Royalties and fleas.

Whereas in real life, our rugs and suits of armor are littered with loose

endings.

Bits of characters scattered on the wall.

and remembered.

But of course, in real life, there's also real love.

And there's no finer ending than that.