Original subtitles

I think he's a funny guy, he's original.

He's a hilarious man and he's a superstar.

And I have two tickets

for me and my baby to go see him.

It's gonna be a great show.

As he says...

"There's black folks and there's niggas."

I think he's a... Very progressive black man.

I think he's true with everything he says.

He hits home.

I mean, just all his jokes are on point,

and you know exactly what he's talking about

at all times.

D.C., are you ready?!

D.c., are you ready?!

Give it up for my brother!

The one, the only...

Chris rooooooock!

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you all for coming out!

Yes!

Welcome, sit your asses down!

Thank you all for coming out to my fourth hbo special.

That's right, baby.

We're gonna do it right, man.

It's good to be here, in washington, d.C.

D.c.

That's right, lovely constitution hall.

That's right, man.

Now, I haven't toured in a long time.

I haven't done a special for a long time.

I was waiting for special things to happen in my life.

And a lot's happened in my life since the last time

I was on the road, man.

I had a little baby girl, I had a little baby girl.

A little baby girl, yeah.

It's not a big deal.

I mean, even roaches have kids, right?

But I got a little baby girl, right?

And it's amazing when you have a girl.

You're a man, you have a girl.

It's eye-opening.

Because I've realized I'm the man in her life.

And my relationship with my daughter

is gonna affect her relationship with men

for the rest of her life.

And every man in here has dated a woman

with some daddy issues.

That shit ain't fun, okay?

She giving you a hard time over some shit her daddy did

in 1969, okay?

That shit ain't never fun!

Sometimes, I'm walking with my daughter,

I'm talking to my daughter, I'm looking at her,

I'm pushing her in her stroller,

and sometimes I pick her up

and I just stare at her,

and I realize my only job in life...

Is to keep her off the pole.

Keep my baby off the pole!

I mean, they don't grade fathers.

But if your daughter's a stripper,

you fucked up.

And I'm not making fun of the strippers,

because some of these girls were abused.

Some of them were abused.

And some of them just missed a few hugs.

Some of them are like, "daddy, can we talk?"

"Hey, I'm watching the game!"

"I'll show you!

"I'm gonna dance naked to motley crue records!

"I'm gonna change my name to cinna-buns,

and I'm gonna wear clear heels!"

When did clear heels become the new whore uniform?

When did that happen?

Was there a big, old ho convention,

and all the hoes got together and said,

"we need something new?

Something that just says nasty."

And one girl said, "I got it, clear heels!"

Ooh, girl, you disgusting!

No, no, I got nothing against the strippers.

Somebody's gotta do it.

Somebody has to take on the monumental responsibility

that the strippers do!

Somebody's gotta do it.

Somebody has to entertain the married men of america!

Somebody has to do it.

Okay?

Your wife, you know, your wife will take care of you.

But she ain't gonna entertain you.

You give your wife some clear heels...

"what the fuck is this shit?!

"Get this ho shit out my house!

Now, wash your hands, so you can eat!"

I got nothing against the strippers,

but the strip clubs are very addictive.

Not to me, but to other people!

They are addictive.

Every guy in here got a friend

that's addicted to strip clubs.

Addicted like heroin, okay?

Addicted.

You know those guys that cannot function

in a normal club?

You take them to a normal club,

they ask one girl to dance.

"Excuse me, would you like to dance?"

"No, maybe, a little bit later."

"Yo, man, let's go to the titty bar, man.

"Man, these bitches is stuck up, man!

I gave this bitch a dollar, she ain't do nothing!"

No, no, no, no.

We all got those friends that's addicted to strip clubs.

You know, those guys that go to the strip club

in the daytime?

If you're at a strip club and the sun is out,

you got some problems.

You know those guys that eat at the strip club?

Eat at the buffet?

How the fuck could you eat at a nasty-ass strip club?!

What?!

Are you that hungry?!

Motherfucker, go to mickey d's or some shit!

Rwandan refugees won't eat that shit!

At a damn strip club,

titties and tater tots don't mix!

But I got nothing against the strippers.

What I got a problem with is the stripper myth.

You know the stripper myth.

There's a stripper myth

that's being perpetuated throughout society.

The stripper myth is,

"I'm stripping to pay my tuition."

No, you're not!

There's no strippers in college!

There's no clear heels in biology!

Shit, man!

I didn't know they had a college

that only took $1 bills.

And if they got so many strippers in college,

how come I never got a smart lap dance?

I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said,

"if I was you, I would diversify my portfolio.

"You know, ever since the end of the cold war,

I find nato obsolete!"

Now, I'm 39 years old, 39 years old, yep.

Some people are like, "really?"

Yeah, man.

New jack city's a long time ago.

Now, I'm 39, right?

And I still love rap music.

I love rap music, man.

You know, I love it!

But I'm tired of defending it.

Because you gotta defend rap music, man.

People go, "that's not music, that's not art.

"That's garbage!

"How can you listen to that garbage?

How can you listen to that trash?"

And in the old days, it was easy to defend rap music.

It was easy to defend it on an intellectual level.

You could break it down intellectually,

why grandmaster flash was art, why run-dmc was art.

Why whodini was art and music.

You could break it down intellectually, okay?!

And I love all the rappers today,

but it's hard to defend this shit.

It's hard, man.

It's hard to defend, "I got hoes in different area codes."

It's hard to defend,

"move bitch, get out the way."

Well, as you can see, there's a bitch in his way...

That he needs to move!

Thus, the term, "move bitch, get out the way."

You need to open your eyes,

so you can get the bitches outta your way!

My favorite song right now is impossible to defend.

It's impossible!

We should all be ashamed of ourselves

for liking this fucking song.

Lil' jon.

You know that shit.

♪ To the window to the wall ♪

♪ 'til the sweat drip from my balls ♪

♪ 'til the sweat drip from my balls ♪

♪ skeet skeet skeet skeet ♪

And you know what's real wild?

You'll go to a club,

you'll see girls dancing to that shit.

Loving it!

♪ 'Til the sweat drip from my balls ♪

♪ 'til the sweat drip from my balls ♪

♪ 'til the sweat 'til the sweat ♪

'Til the sweat drip from my balls!

♪ My balls skeet skeet ♪

♪ my balls skeet skeet ♪

♪ 'til the sweat 'til the sweat ♪

♪ my balls my balls ♪

You know what's wild?

I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife

outta this bunch!

"Uh, daddy, where'd you meet mommy?"

"Oh, she was singing about balls at a club.

Skeet, skeet, skeet!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

You know what's wild?

People always say rap music is misogynistic

and it's degrading to women.

But what I realize, man, is women that like rap

don't give a fuck.

Women that like rap don't care what they sayin'.

If the beat's all right, she will dance all night!

Women don't give a fuck!

The nastier, the better!

I see girls on the floor

dancing to the nastiest shit ever made.

Just on the floor, like,

♪ smack her with a dick smack her with a dick ♪

♪ smack her with a dick smack her with a dick ♪

♪ smack her with a dick smack her with a dick ♪

♪ smack her with a dick smack her with a dick ♪

♪ I put a dick in her ear a dick in her ear ♪

♪ dick in her ear dick in her ear ♪

♪ fuck her in the eye fuck her in the eye ♪

♪ fuck her in the eye fuck her in the eye ♪

♪ blind the bitch blind the bitch ♪

♪ blind the bitch ♪

Now, you know what's wild?

If you mention to a woman

that the song is disgusting and misogynistic,

they all give you the same answer.

"He ain't talking about me!"

♪ Smack her with a dick smack her with a dick ♪

♪ smack her with a dick smack her with a dick ♪

♪ I put a dick in her ear a dick in her ear ♪

"He said your name!"

"No, he didn't!"

♪ Smack her with a dick smack her with a dick ♪

♪ smack her with a dick smack her with a dick ♪

Love rap music, tired of defending it, man.

And it's weird with rap music, man.

Because people either love it or hate it.

Even the united states government hates rap.

The government hates rap.

You know why I say that?

Because they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers!

They don't got no clues, no suspects.

They don't have shit when it's a dead rapper.

They don't fill out a police report.

They don't even have a chalk line

when it's a dead rapper!

Shit, if you wanna get away with murder,

all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head

and put a demo tape in their pocket!

"This is a rap killing, let's go home."

The government hates rap.

Man. Look at all these dead rappers, man.

Biggie smalls.

Jam master jay.

Tupac shakur.

Yo, tupac was gunned down on the las vegas strip

after a mike tyson fight.

Now, how many witnesses do you need to see some shit

before you arrest somebody?

Shit!

More people saw tupac get shot

than the last episode of seinfeld!

And you know what's fucked up?

Every year, tupac comes back from the dead,

records a new album with clues in it...

Every record got a clue if you listen real hard!

♪ The brother in the red shot me dead ♪

Right there!

Track 4!

'Pac is trying to tell us something!

Listen, again!

♪ It was a nigga named kevin with a mack 11 ♪

Right there!

'Pac is reaching out to us! Listen!

The government hates rap, man!

And only rappers get gunned down, like this.

I'll tell you right now,

if billy joel, elton john and david bowie got shot,

they'd have bruce springsteen's house surrounded!

The government hates rap!

And only the good rappers are dead!

Only the good ones!

Biggie dead.

Tupac dead.

Vanilla ice, still alive.

The government hates rap!

You mean to tell me they can find saddam hussein

in a fucking hole,

but you can't tell me who shot tupac?!

Shit!

They found saddam hussein in fucking iraq!

Tupac got shot in vegas!

In fucking vegas! Not on no side street!

The motherfucker got shot on the strip!

In front of circus, circus!

Damn! It's all fucked up.

The whole world's fucked up, man.

Michael jackson lost his mind.

What the hell is wrong with michael?

Another kid? Another kid?

I thought it was groundhog's day

when I heard that shit.

Another kid, get the fuck outta here!

Yo, that's how much we love michael.

We love michael so much, we let the first kid slide.

Another kid?!

I'm fucking done! I'm done with michael!

I'm done, I was a fan my whole life,

I am fucking done!

I'm handing in my glove, okay.

I saw michael on 60 minutes.

Ed bradley tried his best

to make michael look like a mammal.

Like somebody that drank water and breathed air, right?

He gave michael the easiest questions in the world.

The easiest g.E.D. Questions in the world.

And michael could not pass the test.

It's like, "uh, michael, do you think it's proper

"for a 45-year-old man

to sleep in the bed with 13-year-old boys?"

"Yes!"

"Okay, okay, let me rephrase that.

"Uh, michael, would you let your children sleep in the bed

"of a 45-year-old man

that's been accused of child molestation?"

"Yes!"

Ed bradley looked at michael jackson

like he wanted to say, "nigga, is you crazy?!"

Like he wanted to take the 60 minutes clock

and push the shit forward,

and, say, "get the fuck off my show!"

"I thought you said it was 60 minutes!"

"It's 10 minutes, get outta here!"

You nutty nigga, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I'm done with michael, man!

You see michael go to court?

Motherfucker come to court 20 minutes late.

What kind of black man

gonna come to court 20 minutes late?

This ain't barbershop 2!

This is court, motherfucker!

Shit!

And he don't even wear a real suit to court.

Coming in there looking like captain crunch!

Shit, shit, who's your lawyer?

Frankenberry?

Better take your black ass to banana republic

and get you a decent suit.

What the fuck is wrong with that boy?

I'm done with fucking michael!

What the fuck?! Another kid?!

Another... that's like another dead white girl

showing up at o.J.'S house.

And o.J. Going, "I know what you're thinking..."

michael jackson is going to jail.

And it's gonna be a sad sight

when michael jackson go to jail.

Oh, we're gonna shed a tear

when michael jackson go to jail.

And it ain't even gonna be sad the day he go in!

It's gonna be sad like a month later...

When that perm grows out of his hair...

The shit's all nappy and gray.

When his makeup's all fucked up

because he don't got the crayola people

to fix his face no more...

That's a fucking sad-ass sight!

Remember when we was young

everybody used to have those arguments about who's better,

michael jackson or prince?

Prince won!

Yeah, man, but michael went crazy.

Now, janet lost her damn mind.

Whipping out her titty on a sunday afternoon.

On a sunday afternoon!

What the fuck is wrong with this girl?

This ain't deja-vu!

This ain't magic city, motherfucker!

It's the super bowl!

A titty on a sunday afternoon!

People coming home from church, cut on the tv...

Oh, lord!

A titty on a sunday afternoon!

And a 40-year-old titty, at that!

You can't just whip out a 40-year-old titty!

That's your man's titty! That is your man's titty!

40-year-old titty?

Your man's titty.

20-year-old titty?

Community titty!

That's for all to see!

The titty couldn't even believe it was outside!

The titty was, like,

"oh, shit, what the fuck's going on?!

Close the door, close the door!"

Michael's crazy, janet lost her mind.

Now, I gotta see jermaine every week for the blow-by-blow.

I thought I was done with jermaine!

I got the "do what you did when you did what to me" album!

I thought I was done with jermaine!

Jermaine look crazier than michael!

What the fuck is up with jermaine?!

Is it me or is jermaine the greasiest nigga

you ever seen in your life?

What the fuck? My god, man!

Does he just spray armor all on his face or some shit?

Just greasy motherfucker, my god!

Just glistening,

like patrick ewing in the fourth quarter!

Just... just fucking...

Just greasy, shiny motherfucker!

My god!

When jermaine's on the tv,

I gotta wipe the grease off the screen!

"I can't see shit! Jermaine must have been on!"

The police can't even capture his ass!

He just slips out!

The police are, like,

"somebody throw some sand on that nigga!

Please!"

The jacksons lost their mind.

R. Kelly lost his mind this year.

What the fuck is wrong with r. Kelly?

He got a lot of balls, okay?

Talking about, "it ain't me."

He's got a damn sex tape out!

"It ain't me!"

Motherfucker, we know what you look like!

That's you, okay?

And a damn soul train award right next to the bed!

"Best r&b, '98," that's you!

I can't even believe

r. Kelly would come outside after this shit.

At one point on the tape,

r. Kelly's eating this girl's ass out

like it's puppy chow.

He's in her ass like he's got diabetes

and her ass got insulin in it!

Looking like the movie 28 days later!

R.-fucking-kelly, man.

The whole world's going crazy, man.

Siegfried and roy,

the tiger bit the man in the head.

And everybody's mad at the tiger.

Talk about the tiger went crazy.

That tiger ain't go crazy! That tiger went tiger!

You know when the tiger went crazy?

When the tiger was riding around on a little bike

with a hitler helmet on!

"Oh, shit, I'm a crazy tiger!

Whoa, lord, I'm crazy! What is I gon' do?"

Whole damn country's all fucked up.

We're so desperate for entertainment

that everybody's falling for this magician, david blaine.

What the fuck is this shit?!

Are we so desperate that we fall

for a trick-less magician?!

Where the fuck's the trick?

Cut a lady in half! Pull a rabbit out a hat!

Do something!

What's his last trick?

"I'm in a box and I ain't gonna eat!

I'm in a box and I ain't gonna eat!"

That ain't no trick!

That's called "living in the projects"!

Shit, man!

Kobe bryant lost his mind.

What the fuck is kobe thinking?

What is on kobe's mind?

Going to colorado, around all these white people,

and not bringing johnnie cochran.

You gotta bring johnnie to that shit!

The girl's still alive!

Johnnie will knock this out in two weeks!

Is she breathing?

Don't worry about it, shit.

Kobe wouldn't miss a practice if he had johnnie!

What the fuck, man? It don't look right, man.

Some people are, like, "oh, you can't hire johnnie cochran.

"'Cause if you hire johnnie cochran,

then, you look guilty."

Yeah... But you go home!

What, you wanna look innocent in jail?

I'd rather look guilty at the mall!

But, yo, don't let kobe...

Don't let all this celebrity news

fool you, right now.

All this stuff going on in the news.

It's just a trick to get your mind off the war.

That's all it is.

It's a trick to get your mind off the war, okay?

I think bush sent that girl to kobe's room!

Bush sent that girl to kobe's room,

bush sent that little boy to michael jackson's house.

Bush killed laci peterson!

Bush was fucking paris hilton in that video!

All to get your mind off the war.

Because bush lied to me, they all lied to me.

They were like, "we gotta go to iraq

"because they're the most dangerous country on earth.

They're the most dangerous regime in the world."

If they're so dangerous,

how come it only took two weeks

to take over the whole fucking country?

Shit!

Man, you couldn't take over baltimore in two weeks!

Now, the war was cool.

When the war started, it was great, man.

It brought on a lot of patriotism.

Patriotism, beautiful, beautiful.

But slowly but surely,

the patriotism turned into hatrotism.

People started freaking out, the war was weird, man.

Because you'd watch tv, man,

you'd see these weird white guys.

Nobody here, you guys are okay.

But you'd see these weird white guys

getting overly patriotic

and they'd have their fucking flag hats on

and their flag drawers and their flag pickups and...

"I'm american, man! I'm american!

"Fuck all these fucking foreigners!

I'm american! I'm american!"

You're, like, "hey, calm the fuck down!"

"I'm american..."

there was a lot of accepted racism

when the war started, it was accepted.

"I'm american, man! I'm american, man!

Fuck all these foreigners!" and that was cool.

It was, "I'm american! I'm american, man!

Fuck the french!" that was cool!

"I'm american, I'm american! Fuck all these arabs!"

And that was cool!

Then, they went to, "I'm american, I'm american!

Fuck all these illegal aliens!"

Then I started listening

'cause I know niggas and jews is next!

It's, like, "any day now!

That train's never late!"

But the whole country's got a fucked up mentality, man!

We've all got a gang mentality!

Republicans are fucking idiots.

The democrats are fucking idiots.

And conservatives are idiots.

And liberals are idiots.

Anyone that makes up their mind before they hear the issues

is a fucking fool, okay?

Everybody! No, no, no, no!

Everybody's so busy wanting to be down with a gang,

"I'm a conservative, I'm a liberal, I'm conservative."

It's bullshit! Be a fucking person!

Listen!

Let it swirl around your head!

Then, form your opinion!

No normal, decent person is one thing, okay?

I got some shit I'm conservative about.

I got some shit I'm liberal about.

Crime? I'm conservative.

Prostitution? I'm liberal.

And they keep trying to scare us.

Everybody's trying to scare us!

Telling us to be on the lookout for al-qaeda!

It's like, "where, where?

I ain't scared of al-qaeda! I'm from brooklyn.

I don't give a fuck about al-qaeda, okay?

Shit, motherfuck a al-qaeda.

Shit, did al-qaeda blow up the building in oklahoma?

No!

Did al-qaeda put anthrax in your mail?

No!

Did al-qaeda drag james byrd down the street

'til his eyeballs popped out his fucking head?

No!

I ain't scared of al-qaeda!

I'm scared of al-cracka!

Ah, man, but, you know, american people,

whenever you leave, man...

I love my country, I love it here, man...

But whenever you leave,

you find out people really hate america.

It's good sometimes, okay?

Because we got so much shit, okay?

America's the only country in the world

where people go hunting on a full stomach, okay?

It's beautiful!

That's how good we got it, man.

But I love america, man!

We got a lot of freedom in america, man.

For instance, abortion's legal.

It's beautiful that abortion's legal, man.

Yes, it's beautiful.

I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women...

'Cause you know they'll fuck you.

You ain't gonna find a bunch of virgins

at the abortion rally.

You might even see some clear heels!

Oh, the abortion issue, man, it's a woman's issue.

A woman gets pregnant,

she don't wanna hear shit from the man!

"Fuck you! I don't need you!

Mother-fuck-you!"

Unless she decides to have the baby,

then, she's like, "where my check?"

That's right, when a woman gets pregnant,

it's a choice between the woman and her girlfriends.

A woman gets pregnant,

her and her girlfriends get together

and they have a little abortion tribunal.

And they vote on the baby like it's survivor.

And each girlfriend puts in her two cents.

And one girlfriend goes,

"child, you should have that baby!

That man got some good hair, it's wavy, it's wavy!"

And the other girlfriend goes,

"child, why we even talking about this?

"Ain't we supposed to go to cancun next week?

Get rid of that baby!"

And that's how life is decided in america.

Now, fellas, if you get a woman pregnant,

you're only allowed to say two things.

Two things!

And guess what, fellas?

You can't even suggest abortion.

If you say, "a... ", you fucked up.

You can't even suggest abortion.

And guess what, guys?

You don't wanna suggest abortion!

Because if you suggest abortion,

and then she has the baby,

when that kid's about five, six years old,

he gonna be cursing your ass out!

You go, "hey, what's up, little man?

How you doing, man?"

"I'm alive is how the fuck I'm doing!

"You wanted me dead, huh, bitch?!

"I'm alive, motherfucker!

I should bust a cap in your ass!"

You don't need that drama, so do not suggest abortion.

Now, fellas, if you get a woman pregnant,

you've only got two things to say.

Two ways to try it out.

Now, the first thing you can say is,

"wow, I can't believe you're pregnant!

"I'm so happy!

"I can't wait for you to have this baby!

I love you so much!"

That's cool!

Now, if you don't wanna say that,

you got one more choice.

A woman walks in the room, tells you that she's pregnant,

you look her dead in the eye,

and you say,

"so what you gon' do?"

Ha-ha-ha, oh, good, it ain't just me!

Now, one thing I don't like about america

is we got real bad drug policies.

We got a horrible drug policy, man.

We got people in jail for getting high.

For getting high, man! That's fucked up, man!

And the government always says,

"drugs are illegal because they're bad for you

and we're trying to protect society."

But the government don't give a fuck about your safety.

They sell guns at wal-mart!

They don't give a fuck about you.

Shit!

Nah, the government's like this,

the government-

they don't want you to use your drugs,

they want you to use their drugs.

So every night on tv,

you see a weird-ass drug commercial,

trying to get you hooked on some legal shit.

And they just keep naming symptoms

'til they get one that you fucking got, okay?

It's like, "are you sad? Are you lonely?

"You got athlete's foot?

"Are you hot? Are you cold?

"What you got?

"You want this pill, huh, motherfucker?

You got to take this pill!"

They don't even tell you what the pill does!

You see a lady on a horse or a man in the tub,

and they just keep naming symptoms.

"Are you depressed? Are you lonely?

Do your teeth hurt?" what the fuck?

I saw a commercial the other day that said,

"do you go to bed at night and wake up in the morning?"

"Oh, shit! They got one!

"I got that! I'm sick!

I need that pill!"

The government is trying to get you hooked

on some legal fucking shit!

And that's the truth, man.

Shit, the reason coke and weed are illegal in america

don't got shit to do with your safety.

The reason coke and weed are illegal in america

is 'cause the best coke and weed ain't made in america!

If they made the good shit here,

there'd be a coke and weed restaurant

on every fucking corner!

That's right.

It wouldn't be no starbucks, it would be weedbucks!

Mcdonald's?

Mccokeald's!

"Uh, give me a happy meal and an eight ball.

Thank you."

Krispy kreme's?

Cracky kreme's!

Yo, that's how good krispy kreme donuts are.

Krispy kreme donuts are so good,

if I told you right now they had crack in it,

you'd go, "I knew something was up!

"I knew!

"These donuts are too damn good, man!

"Got me knocking on the donut window

"at 2 o'clock in the morning.

"Come on, man! Open up, man!

"Give me one more donut! I'll do anything!

I'll suck your dick!"

Yo, that should be the new slogan for krispy kreme.

"Krispy kreme, so good, you'll suck a dick!"

No, man.

The government, they will never legalize drugs in america.

Okay, the first reason

they will never legalize drugs in america

is because the government makes way too much money

putting our brothers and sisters in fucking jail, okay?

That's first of all, okay?

For bullshit.

The second reason the government

will never legalize drugs in america

is because, you know,

god forbid some brown people got wealthy!

Can't have that.

'Cause drugs come from brown countries.

We can't have wealthy brown people.

There are no wealthy black or brown people in america.

We got some rich ones.

We don't got no fucking wealth.

People go, "well, what's the difference?"

Here's the difference, shaq is rich.

The white man that signs his check is wealthy.

"Ah, here you go, shaq.

"Go buy yourself a bouncing car!

Bling, bling!"

I'm not talking about rich, I'm taking about wealth, okay?

I'm talking about the white family

that owns all the fucking similac!

Those rich motherfuckers, okay?

I'm talking about the white family

that owns the color blue!

Those rich bastards, okay?

I ain't talking about oprah!

I'm talking about bill gates, okay?

If bill gates woke up tomorrow with oprah's money,

he'd jump out a fucking window.

He'd slit his throat on the way down.

"Ah, shit!

I can't even put gas in my plane!"

I'm not talking about rich, I'm talking about wealth.

'Cause wealth will set us fucking free, okay?

'Cause wealth is empowering,

wealth can uplift communities from po-ver-ty, okay?

A white man gets wealthy, he builds wal-marts

and makes other white people have some motherfucking money.

A brother gets rich,

he buys some motherfucking jewelry, okay?

Do you know what the fuck I'm talking about?

I ain't talking about rich, I'm talking about wealth.

Wealth is passed down from generation to generation.

You can't get rid of wealth!

Rich is some shit you could lose

with a crazy summer and a drug habit!

Fuck, rick james was rich!

One minute you're singing superfreak,

the next minute, you're doing old navy commerals!

♪ Give it to me, baby ♪ give me corduroys!

Not talking about rich, I'm talking about wealth.

Now, don't get me wrong!

It's not all white people's fault

that black and brown people don't have any fucking wealth!

Maybe, now just maybe,

maybe, if we didn't spend all our money on rims,

we might have some to invest!

We don't give a fuck, boy! Black people, we love rims!

We will put shiny ass rims on any piece-of-shit car

in the world! We don't give a fuck!

A brother will put rims on a toaster if you let him!

"Yo, man, I got some raisin toast

"sitting on 22s, nigga!

"22s!

"Look at 'em, motherfucker! Look at 'em!

"And they spinning, nigga, they spinning!

"They spinning, nigga, they spinning!

They spinning, nigga, they spinning!"

We don't give a fuck.

Money is new to black people! It's the new to us!

We are the most money-wasting motherfuckers

on the face of the earth.

We spend money like we think the shit's gonna rot, okay?

Brothers riding around with tvs

in the headrests of the car.

The tvs is on,

and ain't nobody in the backseat.

I ain't talking about rich, I'm talking about wealth!

Now, when it comes to acquiring a fortune,

when it comes to acquiring wealth

in the united states of america,

different people have gone about it

in different ways, okay?

Now, there's a saying about wealth.

There's a saying about fortunes.

And the saying is,

"behind every great fortune is a great crime."

"Behind every great fortune is a great crime."

And there's some truth to that 'cause some of the richest,

most powerful people in the united states

are the descendants of drug dealers.

Your kennedys, your brothmans, it's all drug money.

They call it bootlegging,

but that's just a white word that means drug dealing, okay?

They didn't sell boots.

They sold the crack of their day, okay?

They killed cops and kids,

and that's cool, good for them.

Now... when it's time for other people to come up

and acquire wealth,

you know, the rules change.

And one of the number one rules in america

when it comes to acquiring wealth goes like this,

"only the white man can profit from pain."

"Only the white man can profit from pain."

So if you're black or brown, you can make money in america.

You can prosper in america,

you can get rich in america.

But whatever you decide to do, it better be positive.

Because if one person is harmed,

you will be destroyed, okay?

You ever watch oprah?

Every now and then, oprah has a show

where she's just giving away money!

You know why?

She's trying to keep the feds off her back.

"Only the white man can profit from pain," okay?

White man makes alcohol, it tastes great.

I love it, you love it, we all love it.

Kills motherfuckers every single day, okay?

Some of y'all ain't even gonna make it home tonight

'cause of alcohol!

You're gonna be driving home,

"oh, man, that chris rock sure is funny.

Oh, shit!"

But it's all right, 'cause it's all white.

White man makes cigarettes.

Cigarettes, the most dangerous product known to man, okay?

Kills motherfuckers every fucking day.

Cigarettes are so dangerous,

it kills motherfuckers that don't smoke!

That's how fucking dangerous cigarettes are.

That's right.

But firsthand smoke, secondhand smoke.

People talking out of their necks into machines,

like, "hey, what's up, man?

I love cigarettes, this shit is good!"

But it's all right 'cause it's all white!

Shit, could you imagine if the philip morris family

was a bunch of jheri curl niggas from mississippi?

Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be?

You would get 60 years for a pack of newports!

But it's all right...

'Cause it's all white.

That's right, the white man makes guns!

Nobody gives a fuck.

White man makes guns,

kids shoot up each other in school,

nobody gives a fuck. White man makes guns?

No problem.

Black rapper says "gun"... Congressional hearing.

"Like, oh my god, that nigga said, gun!

And he rhymed it with fun!"

And that's why people hate america, man.

The hypocrisy about democracy, okay?

That's why they hate america, okay?

But, let me tell you, right now.

The number one reason people hate america,

the number one reason is because of our religion.

Americans worship money.

We worship money.

Separate god from school, separate god from work,

separate god from government.

But on your money, it says, "in god we trust".

All my life, I've been looking for god,

and he's right in my pocket!

Americans worship money!

And we all go to the same church.

The church of a.T.M.!

And everywhere you look, there's a new branch popping up,

reminding you about how much money you got

and how much money you don't got.

And if you've got less than $20,

the machine won't even talk to you!

The machine's, like, "you better go see a teller."

You ever go to a teller and try to take out $8.50?

Oh, it's disgusting!

Oh, man, you gotta wait on that long-ass line...

People doing real transactions in front of you.

You get up to the fucking front.

You fill out your forms, 8.50!

The fucking teller looks at it,

she looks at you, she looks at the shit.

She don't even take the money out the drawer,

she takes it out her pocket!

"Here, get the fuck outta here!"

Now, here's the other thing, man.

Drugs are illegal,

but a.T.M. Machines are open 24 hours a day.

24 hours a day.

For who? Who the fuck is it open for?

Have you ever taken out $300

at four o'clock in the morning for something positive?

Shit, when you press that machine

at four o'clock in the morning,

I think a psychiatrist should pop up on the screen,

and go, "come on, man.

"Save your money, man!

Don't buy drugs, buy some rims!"

"They spinning, nigga, they spinning!

"They spinning, nigga, they spinning!

They spinning, nigga, they spinning!"

Americans worship money!

Shit, you know why banks are closed on sunday?

Because if they wasn't, church would be empty!

Now, I love america, man.

I must say, I love america.

I got to say america

is the greatest country in the world, okay?

It's the greatest country in the world...

In the whole world.

It's the best place, there's no place I'd rather be.

There's no place I'd rather be from.

And we are all lucky to be here.

Everybody in this room, lucky to be here.

Even black people, lucky to be here.

But if you're black,

you gotta look at america a little different.

If you're black, america's like the uncle

that paid your way through college,

but molested you.

Oh, you gotta forgive, right? You gotta forgive.

What's the biggest issue in america right now?

The most divisive issue in america right now

is affirmative action.

Now, a lot of people think affirmative action

got a lot to do with the '60s

and the back of the bus and separate lunch counters.

No, no, no, no, no.

When you see footage of the '60s,

and you see black people,

you see us getting sprayed down and hosed down

and dogs getting sicced on us

and little girls getting burnt up in churches.

That's just white people being nice.

Nicer than they was in the '50s, '40s and '30s.

Shit, there's black people that died in the '30s,

that was looking down from heaven in the '60s going,

"man, them niggas got it good!"

No, no, no!

Affirmative action was put into place

to put into place to offset policies

that the united states government

implemented during slavery that affect us today.

Now, when I talk about slavery...

No, no, no... when I talk about slavery,

I'm just talking about a period of time

where black people had no rights.

So you talk about the 1600s to about 1964.

You know, give or take a year,

depending on when your town decided to act right.

Now, people go,

"what happened during slavery that could affect us today?

What happened during slavery that could affect us today?"

A lot of shit happened during slavery

that affects us every day.

For instance during slavery,

they used to take the biggest, strongest slaves

and breed them.

And try their best to make big, strong super slaves, okay?

That's right, that's right.

And there's evidence of that today.

Like the nfl, for instance.

That's right, nfl stands for "nigga fucking large".

They bred the slaves,

and this is why black people dominate

every physical activity

in the united states of america, okay?

We're only 10% of the population.

We're 90% of the final four, okay?

We fucking dominate all this shit, okay?

Basketball, baseball,

football, boxing, track, even golf and tennis.

And as soon as they make a heated hockey rink,

we're gonna take that shit too!

Mother fuck wayne gretzky!

Wait 'til you see lebron on some skates.

You ain't seen shit yet!

He just gonna have one skate, chillin'.

"What's up?"

He ain't even gonna have a stick!

He's gonna smack the puck with his dick!

Pow!

Slap shot, biatch!

So that's what they did to the big, strong slaves.

And you know what they did to the smart ones?

Or at least, the ones they thought were smart?

They killed them, that's what they did.

That's right,

that was the policy of the united states government,

to kill smart black people, that's right.

So the real smart motherfuckers

had to hide the fact that they were smart, okay?

The law of the land was, "if you read, you die."

If you read, you fucking die, okay?

So you know what that means?

The first black drug dealers didn't even sell drugs.

They sold books!

"Yo, man, I got two pages, man, I got two pages, man.

"Check it out, man, check it out, man.

"I got two pages, man.

"Yo, man, yo, man, I got a word, I got a word.

"Check it out, man.

"I got a new word, man, I got a new word, man!

It's new, man, it's new, man!"

So think about the poor slaves that could read,

but had to hide it, man.

Think about the poor slaves that could read,

but were scared to teach their kids to read

for fear they'd be killing their kids, man.

Think about the poor slave

that used to drive the buggy into town every day, man.

He used to drive the buggy, man.

He's driving the buggy, driving the buggy, driving the buggy.

He's driving the buggy, driving the buggy, driving the buggy.

And he could read!

Driving the buggy, driving the buggy, driving the buggy.

And, up ahead, he sees a real busy intersection.

He's driving the buggy, driving the buggy, driving the buggy.

Driving the buggy, driving the buggy, driving the buggy.

And, then, he sees a stop sign.

Now, he's got a real dilemma.

"Oh, lord... What is I gon' do?

"Oh, lord, what is I gon' do?

"Okay, if I go across this intersection,

"I'm a have an accident.

"If I stop at this sign, these crackers will kill me.

Oh, lord, what is I gon' do?"

And he don't know.

And he's riding the buggy and he's riding the buggy.

And at the last minute, he says, "fuck it."

He goes straight through the intersection.

Has a big old accident, wipes out.

Wipes out! Almost kills somebody!

And the police come.

"Nigga, what's wrong with you?

"Nigga, what the fuck is wrong with you?

"You could have killed somebody, nigga!

You see the stop sign?"

"Oh, I don't know what you talkin' 'bout, sir."

"Nigga, you see that stop sign?

That stop sign, right there?!"

"Oh, do you mean that octagon thing?"

"Nigga, who taught you octagon?!"

Now, don't get me wrong with affirmative action,

don't get me wrong, man.

I don't think I should get a job over a white person

if I get a lower mark on a test.

I don't think I should get accepted into a school

over a white person,

if I get a lower mark on a test.

But if there's a tie?

Fuck 'em!

Shit, you had a 400-year head start, motherfucker!

White man, you gonna be all right!

You know, a lot of people say...

A lot of people say this shit too.

"If you're the smartest and the brightest,

"you won't need affirmative action.

"We'll be able to get rid of affirmative action,

"all together.

If you just strive to be the smartest and the brightest."

They say that, as if the whole country was run

by the smartest and the brightest.

Now, I was in black schools and white schools,

so you can't fucking tell me shit, okay?

Now, when you go to a class, there are 30 kids in a class.

Five smart, five dumb,

and the rest, they're in the middle.

And that's just all america is,

a nation in the middle.

A nation of "b" and "c" students.

That's all the fuck it is.

A nation of "b" and "c" students.

But let's keep it fucking real, okay?

A black "c" student can't run no fucking company.

A black "c" student

can't even be the manager of burger king!

Meanwhile, the white "c" student

just happens to be...

The president of the united states of america.

Now, other people got their problems right now in america.

What's the other big issue in america right now?

Gay marriage.

Should gays be allowed to marry?

You know what the beautiful thing

about the gay marriage issue,

it's the absolute only issue that the president will answer.

The president don't give a fuck.

He will give you a straight answer on gay marriage.

"Mr. President, what about the war?

When's it gonna end?"

"Well, you never know, we're talking to people

"and we're looking for stuff

"and we might find it and we might not.

"It's out there, we're gonna get it.

"You never know, how's it going?

Yeah!"

"Mr. President, what about the economy?

When's it gonna pick up?"

"Well, you never know, we're talking to people,

"and economic indicators indicate that indications

"are coming to the indicator, you know what I'm saying?

All right."

"Mr. President, what about gay marriage?"

"Fuck them faggots!"

Damn! That's some harsh shit!

People always say we can't have gay marriage,

because marriage is a sacred institution

that happens in the church, it's sacred!

No it's not, marriage ain't sacred!

Not in america!

Not in a country that watches

who wants to marry a millionaire

and the bachelor and the bachelorette!

And who wants to marry a midget!

Get the fuck outta here!

Shit, gay people got a right to be as miserable

as everybody else!

Get the fuck outta here!

Michael jackson got married.

How fucking sacred is that shit?

But I'm married, I'm married, it's a beautiful thing, man.

I'm married.

And I don't cheat, I don't cheat.

I don't, no.

Not because I'm a great husband

just 'cause I'm tired of getting caught.

You gotta put the girls in the mistress protection program.

"All right, from now on, your name is carol, okay?

"If anybody calls you lisa, you ignore them.

Okay, lisa?"

"Okay."

"Bitch, you gonna get us killed!

"The fuck is wrong with you?

You won't last five minutes on the streets!"

No, I don't cheat, man, I don't cheat.

Another big reason I don't cheat is 'cause

I never really meet any girls that wanna fuck me.

I'm just not that celebrity.

I don't bring it out of them like that.

Like women see denzel washington,

they go, "I'm gonna fuck him!"

They start kicking off shoes as soon as they see his ass.

Women see me?

Occasionally, they wanna fuck me.

But when women see me and they wanna fuck me,

they get real practical about it.

Women go, "you know what?

"I bet you if I fuck chris rock,

I could get him to pay my visa bill."

I have paid so many college loans in my day.

I have put more girls through school

than the united negro college fund!

Shit, I should have my own dorm at howard.

And this is the chris rock cafeteria!

Chris loves sloppy joes!

Ha-ha-ha!

Yes, I'm married, I'm married,

and bored out of my fucking mind!

But it's a beautiful thing, it's a beautiful thing.

If you're in a good relationship,

chances are, you're bored out of your fucking mind!

All good relationships are boring.

The only exciting relationships are bad ones.

You never know what's gonna happen tomorrow

when you're in a bad relationship.

You never know when you're gonna walk through the door,

and go, "hey, you gave me crabs!

"That's exciting!

I wonder what tomorrow's gonna bring!"

And those are the choices you got in life, man.

You can be married and bored or single and lonely.

Ain't no happiness nowhere!

Married and bored or single and lonely.

That's right, that's right.

And marriage is some boring-ass shit.

'Cause once you get married,

you gotta hang around other married people,

and that's just disgusting.

You ever go to dinner with six neutered adults?

A bunch of women talking about diaper genies

and hair coloring?

"You know, if you leave it in too long, it stings."

Shut the fuck up!

A bunch of men talking about barbecue grills

and routes to work.

"You know, sometimes, I take the highway.

"But if it's backed up,

"I got some side streets I like to take.

"They get me there in half the time.

"Yeah, you should check it out.

I-95 is clear sometimes."

Shut the fuck up! I hate married people!

It's fucking disgusting!

If you go to eat dinner with single people,

single people eat for an hour and 30 minutes

and leave 'cause they got fucking to do!

Married people close down a restaurant.

They start ordering coffee and dessert...

Start talking to the architect.

"I like the thing you put right there!

And the thing!"

Start talking to the cook.

"What's in the tea?"

"Water, bitch!"

"Hurry up!

"We got a lot of not fucking to do!

If you hurry up, we can not fuck all night!"

Oh, I hate married fucking people, man!

And, fellas, once you get married,

you become your wife's pet, you become a fucking pet.

'Cause women like to get their husbands together

that don't even know each other,

and have like a grown man play date.

Put you in a room with some other married motherfucker,

and go, "he likes baseball, just like you!"

And you're in some room with some fucking stranger,

going, "I like baseball!"

"I like baseball too!"

"Yeah! Yeah, baseball's good."

"Yeah, yeah.

"Honey, who the fuck is this?

"Get me the fuck outta here, I don't need no new friends.

If you wanna help me out, introduce me to a girl!"

I hate married people, man!

Whenever I go out with other married couples,

I like to bring along a single crackhead,

just to spicen up the activities.

"Come on, tell us some of your cracky tales, please!"

Married and bored, single and lonely.

See, the problem with relationships

is people want too much, man, people want too much.

Everybody's looking for a soul mate.

"A soul mate, we're soul mates, we're one!

"We're soul mates.

"I'm a pisces, he's aquarius!

"We're perfect! We're soul mates!

"It's incredible, it's incred...

"his moon is my star!

"And he's a soul mate, we're soul mates!

"And we complete each other

"and we finish each other's sentences.

"And the other day, it was raining,

"and I said, 'honey, it's getting ready to rain,'

"and he said rain too!

"It's amazing! It's like we're telekineezic!

We're telekineezic! It's incredible, my god!"

Nobody gets a soul mate- it don't happen.

All you're gonna get in life, if you're lucky, is a mate.

Just a mate!

Somebody to fuck and go to the movies with.

You fuck, go to another movie.

You fuck, go to the comedy show.

You fuck, go to your grandmama's house.

You fuck, you go to your mama's house.

You fuck, you go see another movie.

And somewhere in between fucking and movies,

he goes, "you wanna get something to eat?"

And that's all relationships are!

They ain't that complicated!

It's just fucking and eating!

And if you don't like fucking somebody,

and you don't like eating with him,

y'all don't need to be together!

And the longer you're with somebody,

it's more eating and less fucking!

Shit, you don't even remember the last time you fucked!

But you know you had rice and beans on wednesday!

You never gonna get a soul mate!

You're never gonna meet the perfect person.

You're never gonna meet somebody

that loves seinfeld and the wu-tang clan!

It ain't happening! It ain't happening!

And even if you meet the perfect person,

it ain't gonna be the perfect time.

You're married, they're single.

That's right.

You're jewish, they're palestinian.

You're mexican, they're a raccoon.

You're a black woman, he's a black man.

There's always an obstacle in the way.

You never gonna meet the perfect person.

It's never gonna happen for you, okay?

Every now and then,

god likes to play practical jokes on people.

That's right.

God will send you on a double date

with the perfect couple.

You ever been out with the perfect couple?

You ever made the mistake of going on a double date

with a couple that's actually in love?

You're in the middle of your bullshit relationship,

and you actually sit down with two people that's in love.

You can't even eat your food

because you can't believe what the fuck you are witnessing.

You got a fork in your hand, you're like, "oh, shit!

"He's really listening to what she got to say!

"Wow, they really like being around each other!

"Man, we can't hang with them no more!

They gonna break us up!"

You can't let these happy motherfuckers fuck up my life!

No way!

See the thing, man, men, we are ill-prepared

when it comes to relationships, we are ill-prepared, man,

that's right.

You would think by now, women would rule the world.

You would think women would rule the world.

But they don't! They don't!

You know why?

Because women hate women.

Women hate women!

You do!

And you get any two girlfriends in this room,

been girlfriends for 25 years,

you put a man in between them?

"Fuck that bitch! Fuck that bitch!"

Women hate women, guys are not like that.

Guys actually think there's other fish in the sea.

If a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend,

when they walk away,

his boy goes, "oh, man, she's nice.

I gotta get me a girl like that."

If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend,

when they walk away,

her girlfriend goes, "I gotta get him!

And I will slit that bitch's throat to do it!"

Shit, every woman in here got a girlfriend

they don't trust around their man!

A good girlfriend too!

Like, "yeah, I'll go shopping with her.

"But I ain't gonna leave that bitch with my man

for five minutes, no."

I remember one time, one time, I was at a restaurant.

Me, my wife, her girlfriend.

My wife said, "I'm going to the bathroom."

I said, "okay, honey, I'll see you when I get back."

She said, "no, you come with me!"

And she made me come with her to the bathroom!

And she did the right thing!

Because I'd have fucked her girl.

I'd have fucked her.

I'd have fucked her on a quesadilla!

I didn't give a fuck!

Oh, man, that's right.

Married and bored, single and lonely.

That's right, guys.

And here's the thing, man-

when you're married, you wanna kill your spouse.

When you're single, you wanna kill yourself.

Better her than me!

And anybody in this room that's ever been in love

will testify to this shit.

If you haven't contemplated murder,

you ain't been in love.

If you haven't seriously thought about

killing a motherfucker, you ain't been in love.

If you haven't had a can of rat poison in your hand,

and looked at it for 45 minutes straight,

you ain't been in love.

If you haven't bought a shovel and a bag and a rug

to roll their ass up in, you ain't been in love.

If you haven't practiced your alibi

in front of the mirror,

you ain't been in love.

And the only thing that's stopped you

from killing this motherfucker was an episode of c.S.I.!

"Oh, man, they thorough.

I better make up, they might catch my ass."

That's right, man.

See, relationships are hard, man.

But in order for any relationship to work,

both people have to be on the same page.

Both people have to have the same focus.

That's right.

And we all know what that page is.

We all know what that focus is.

In order for the relationship to work,

both people oughta have the same focus.

And what's that focus?

The focus is all about her,

it's all about her!

She's already there, fellas,

she's waiting for you to come aboard!

Fellas, when you wake up in the morning,

you should look yourself in the mirror,

and say, "fuck you!

"Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams,

"fuck your plans,

fuck everything you thought this life was gonna bring you."

Now, let's go out there and try to make this bitch happy!

Yes! It's all about her, fellas!

Say yes to everything, everything.

Everything you could afford, say yes to.

Just say yes.

Before she even gets it out of her fucking mouth,

"honey, can... Yes."

"Honey, I wanna... yes. Honey, how about... yes."

Just get a stamp.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!"

Another thing, fellas-

don't argue, you cannot win.

You cannot beat a woman in an argument.

It's impossible, you will not win.

'Cause, men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing,

'cause we have a need to make sense.

Women ain't gonna let a little thing like sense

fuck up their argument!

Because she's not in it for sense.

She's in it for distance and irritation.

"How long could I talk before this motherfucker snaps?"

They want you to shake the shit outta them,

until you hear the cops coming.

"Motherfucker, I'm serious! Motherfucker, what the fuck?!"

"Oh shit, let me get the fuck out!"

That's right.

And like I said, try your best to make her happy.

Try your best!

But here's one thing nobody tells you,

you can't make a woman happy! It's impossible!

I've never met a happy woman in my life.

Women always complaining about something.

Shit, women like to complain.

Women save up shit to complain about.

"Oh, he don't even know I know,

but I'm gonna get his ass on that shit next month!"

They like fucking complaining! They love it!

No matter what you do, she'll be mad.

You could fuck a woman with a diamond dick

and make her come 10 times, she'll still complain.

"Why you made me come so hard?

"This diamond dick is cloudy.

"Why don't you go to tiffany's?

You're so fucking cheap."

No matter what you do, your woman is mad... at... you!

If you work all the time,

"why you work all the time? You ain't never home,

you're always leaving me! I hate this shit!"

If you home all the time,

"why you all up under me?

"Let me get some fucking room to breathe.

Damn, stop sweating me! I hate this shit!"

If you make more money than her,

"well, fuck you! I wanna make decisions too!

"You ain't my fucking daddy!

"I don't need you to take care of me!

I hate this shit!"

If she makes more money than you,

"you broke motherfucker!

"You never have no fucking money!

"Fuck this shit!

"I don't wanna make all these decisions!

"I need to be taken care of!

I hate this shit! I can't take it!"

And the number one reason your woman's always mad, fellas,

the number one reason

your woman's pissed the fuck off...

'Cause you ain't her first choice.

Fellas, you ever catch your woman just looking at you,

but not saying nothing?

In her mind, she's thinking,

"how did I end up with this ugly motherfucker?

"Oh, lord, this motherfucker's ugly and stupid.

"I had a good man and I blew it.

"Damn, lord, kill my man, kill him, please.

"Kill him while I still look good enough

"to get something new.

"Please, kill this motherfucker.

"Now, strike him! Strike him!

If you out there, lord, strike this motherfucker dead!"

Nothing gets you ready for marriage, man.

Nothing! Nobody!

Nothing gets you ready for marriage.

Nobody tells you that once you get married,

you will never fuck again!

If you like fucking, marriage ain't for you!

Shit, I haven't fucked in seven years!

I've had intercourse.

See, intercourse is when she gets out of the shower,

on the nice sheets.

Fucking's in the back of a rental car.

When your woman goes, "come on, get some!"

And nobody gets you ready for that shit.

Nobody tells you that once you get married,

you will never get pussy again!

If you like pussy, marriage ain't for you!

I haven't had pussy in seven years!

I've had vagina!

I hate vagina! I came out of a vagina!

As soon as I got out, I said,

"man, I got to get me some pussy!

See, they don't prepare you, they don't tell you.

Married women don't have pussies.

Married women have vaginas.

If you go to a wedding

and the woman's throwing the bouquet,

she ain't throwing the bouquet.

She's throwing the pussy!

"I won't be needing this no more!"

And the woman that catches it next

gonna get married, you know why?

'Cause now she got two pussies!

You gotta marry the two-pussy girl!

But it ain't just men that lose out on marriage.

Women, you lose out too.

Women, once you get married,

he will never lick your pussy, again.

Pussy, vagina,

whatever the fuck you wanna call it.

He will never lick your pussy again.

I see some married women

with tears in their eyes right now.

He will never lick your pussy again.

Forever, ever!

Forever, ever?

Forever, ever!

He will never lick your pussy again.

That's right.

Oh, don't get me wrong, he'll give it one coat,

but he ain't gonna put the finish on it,

like he used to.

He used to put a spit shine on your pussy!

You had to put on shades just to look at your pussy!

Put a little sticker next to your pussy!

"Objects in pussy may appear closer

than they actually are."

Nobody gets you ready for this shit!

That's right.

Fellas, once you get married, no more blow jobs!

If you like blow jobs, marriage ain't for you.

I haven't had a blow job in seven years!

I've had fellatio.

See, when you're single,

you get the best blow jobs in the world.

8, 12, 15 minutes straight,

like the girl's auditioning on your dick.

Like she's giving your dick a second opinion.

Like she's going for her scuba license!

You get married,

every married man I know gets the same lazy-ass blow job.

It's like three licks, like, "ah, ah, ah.

"Is it hard? Put it in!

I gotta fold these clothes!"

What kinda lazy-ass blow job is this shit?

If we was at a restaurant, I would send this back.

Waiter, this blow job ain't ready yet!

Yo, marriage is tough, man.

Marriage is real fucking tough, man.

Marriage is so tough, nelson mandela got a divorce.

Nelson mandela got a fucking divorce.

Nelson mandela spent 27 years in a south african prison.

Got beaten and tortured every day for 27 years,

and did it with no fucking problem.

Made to do hard labor in 100° south african heat

for 27 years and did it with no problem.

He got outta jail after 27 years of torture,

spent six months with his wife,

and said, "I can't take this shit no more!"

Hey, I'm outta here! Y'all take care!

Thank you! Thank you!

♪ Let's get it all in perspective ♪

♪ for all y'all enjoyment a song y'all can step with ♪

♪ y'all appointed me to bring rap justice... ♪

Best show ever! It was hilarious!

Once again, man, your life is over.

"No more blow jobs!

I'm telling you, don't get married!"

He was funny as a motherfucker,

I'm gonna come and see him again!

My dimples hurt, I laughed so hard, see?

I just pissed on myself.

It was a great show!

Oh, it was great, I really enjoyed it.

It was wonderful, did a great show.

♪ Newness here's the anthem ♪

♪ put your hand up that you shoot with ♪

♪ count your loot with ♪

♪ push the pool stick in your new crib ♪

♪ same hand that you hoop with ♪

♪ swing around like you stupid ♪

♪ king of the town yeah I been that ♪

♪ you know I click-clack ♪

♪ where you and your men's at? ♪

♪ Do the smurf, do the wop baseball bat ♪

♪ rooftop like we're bringing '88 back ♪

♪ they're shooting ♪