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Breaking news.

Actor Jason Biggs of American
Pie fame was found dead

in his Wind River home.

The event brings this
year's celebrity death toll

to 27 after Pope Francis's
heart explosion last week.

His estate wants

to remind the world that Jason
Biggs was a good guy

and we should all be very,

very sad.

Authorities aren't
ruling out foul play.

Ah.

Get fucked, Biggs!

♪ I heard I heard
the old man say ♪

♪ John Kanaka-naka
too-rye-ay ♪

♪ Today, today's
a holiday ♪

♪ John Kanaka-naka
too-rye-ay ♪

♪ Too-rye-ay ♪

♪ Whoa oh ♪

♪ Too-rye-ay ♪

♪ John Kanaka-naka
too-rye-ay ♪

♪ We'll work tomorrow
but not today ♪

♪ John Kanaka-naka
too-rye-ay ♪

♪ We'll work tomorrow
but not today ♪

♪ John Kanaka-naka
too-rye-ay ♪

♪ Too-rye-ay ♪

♪ Whoa oh ♪

♪ Too-rye-ay ♪

♪ John Kanaka-naka
too-rye-ay ♪

♪ We're bound away
for Frisco Bay ♪

♪ John Kanaka-naka
too-rye-ay ♪

♪ We're bound away
at the break of day ♪

♪ John Kanaka-naka
too-rye-ay ♪

♪ Too-rye-ay ♪

♪ Whoa oh ♪

♪ Too-rye-ay ♪

♪ John Kanaka-naka
too-rye-ay ♪

So, 35?
Do we have a deal?

Okay. You got me.

Twenty-five.

You drive a hard bargain.

Luke, how much
for this?

Oh. For you, Jake,

absolutely free.

Take it. It's yours.

- No kidding?
- No kidding.

You know, a toaster like this
would probably get you $27.

I doubt that.

It's a very nice
thing. Uh...

I think I'll put it on
my desk next to my computer.

I came by to-- to give you
a little going away advice.

You need to change
the password on your Wi-Fi

and the majority of your
streaming accounts.

- What do you mean?
- Type in some extra numbers

or some big letters.
Those go a long way.

Jake, are you saying
you've been using my Wi-Fi?

Is that why Google keeps
recommending

- different ketamine clinics?
- I'm just saying

I don't want people
in your new building

to take advantage of
you the way...

some people might have been
taking advantage of you here.

Thanks, Jake.

You're a good guy, Luke.

You deserve better.

Okay.

Oh, hey, Janet.

Respectfully, Janet,
I really think

that we should
just try it my way.

We're really going miss you
around here, Luke,

and not just your Wi-Fi and
your streaming services.

You're like family.

Were my passwords that
easy to figure out?

Uh, where you
headed now?

Ottawa, Canada.
Watch your finger.

Ottawa. Uh, you got family
up there or something?

No. No. The only family I have
left is an older brother,

but I haven't
heard from him in years.

In fact, I actually don't even
know if he's dead or alive.

Oh, well,
that's dreadful,

because, uh, family is the most
important thing there is.

Family sticks
together, no matter what.

Uh. What was that?

What was what?

The random family sentiment
you just read out loud,

what was that about?

Uh, I gotta go.

Clinton...

How much
you want for this?

It's beautiful.

What the hell?
This isn't mine.

- Who put this here?
- You did.

No. Why would
I have a painting

of the pope eating
tacos with Big Foot?

I mean, I'm basically
Jewish, for Christ's sake.

That's a lie.

I've seen his penis.

The man you know as Luke
is not circumcised.

Quite the opposite. He possesses
a generous amount of foreskin,

making his dick look like
the head of a baby elephant.

What? Who-- Who are you?
What is happening?

Geez Louise.

Ow!

Danny!

- Bring it in.
- Danny!

- Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Oh, oh God, God, God!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
What happened? Are you okay?

Yeah, it's nothing, really.

You should've seen
the other guy.

- Yeah?
- Oh, yeah.

He was driving the sickest
Mercedes when he plowed into me.

Okay. That looks really bad.

Oh, and that painting
is from me. Hmm?

- Oh!
- You like it?

Yeah, man.

One more hug? Soft?

Wow, man.

Mmm.

Mm.

So, how's life living
off-grid all this time?

It's fine, until
the grid got bigger.

After a while,
it became like

one of Todd Simmons's famous
nosebleeds.

Yeah.

Wait. Who's--

So, what's with
the moving sale?

You moving somewhere?

Ah, very
perceptive of you.

Yeah. Yeah. No.

I'm, uh, heading
up to Ottawa, Canada.

Ottawa? What do you got a
girlfriend up there

- or something?
- No.

- Yeah, you do.
- No.

You have
a girlfriend in Canada. Eh-eh.

- I wish. No.
- Yeah. You gotta go all

the way up there to get laid,
because you can't get laid here.

- Danny, Danny, no.
- Sorry.

No.
I-- I am driving up today

to start at the new
paleontology research center.

What, today, today?

Yeah.

- You can't leave today.
- Why not?

Well, because I'm here now.
I want to hang out.

Yeah, but I--
I start on Monday.

Ah, fuck muffin.

I was really hoping to
spend some time together

before I start my new
job in Tucson next week.

Hey, man. Why don't
you come with me?

- Really?
- Yeah.

- You wouldn't mind?
- No. I-- I--

I've wanted to spend time
with you, too.

Wow. I'm impressed, Luke.

You really do have faith
in your fellow man.

It's like
Todd Simmons said,

"Faith is all about
taking that initial step

without first checking
for scorpions."

Yeah.

Who is this
Todd Simmons guy?

So, tell me about the job
in Ottawa, huh?

- You happy with it?
- Oh, beyond happy, man.

It's like, for the first time
in my life,

everything's finally
making sense, you know?

And that's
a good thing?

Yeah, of
course it is.

I get to go on real digs
with real paleontologists,

and you know what we're
doing on my very first day?

- How would I know that?
- We're gonna go to a dig site

where they've already found
a brand-new species

of cretaceous-era theropod,

and they've already given her
a name, too: Snommisddot.

- Snommisddot.
- Yeah.

Apparently, she's massive.

And her femur bone

is exactly five foot,
10 and a half inches long,

which is my
precise height,

which is weird
and neat, right?

Yeah. I'm just
happy you're happy.

- Yeah.
- Just don't freak out

when you learn what actually
killed the dinosaurs.

What do you mean?

No. Uh, it's too soon.

I'm sorry. I'm just going
to shut up now, okay?

No. No.

What do you think killed
the dinosaurs, Danny?

Well, it wasn't
a fucking meteor.

I'll tell you that.

What?

Just so you know,

I-- I don't actually care
that-- that you believe

in all this conspiracy
theory stuff.

It honestly doesn't
even bother me.

Conspiracy theory stuff?

Just so you know, all science is
theory until proven otherwise.

Did you know that Galileo
was once considered

- a conspiracy theorist?
- Okay, but just so you know,

even if, somehow, one of your
crazy conspiracy theories

just happened to be proven true,
nobody would believe you,

because you
think everything is part

of some massive
conspiracy theory.

So you'd basically just
be the boy who cried wolf.

Oh, just so you know, the boy
who cried wolf

- is a personal hero of mine.
- Of course he is.

No. Think about it.
He tricked his entire town

into thinking that a
wolf was coming,

so by the end, when
the wolf actually came,

he had him all to himself, and
who doesn't want a little wolf?

This just in.

Jason Biggs's death has been
officially ruled a homicide.

The suspect is said to--

...bloody,
grisly murder scene.

We should all be

very sad, according
to his estate.

So, tell me about
this job in Tucson.

Oh, yeah. I'm-- I'm
really excited about it.

Is it, like, a--
an office job or...

The day I set foot in
an office is the day I die.

Yeah.
So, what is it?

Oh, I can't say.
I-- I signed an NDA.

Oh, with who?

Can't say
that, either.

Well, can you tell me
anything about it?

Let me
think. No.

Well, come on. You're
not being chased

by a bounty hunter
or something, are you?

Jesus, Luke!

I'm not that guy
anymore.

- Alright. Sorry.
- Sure, at one point,

I was a little off my rocker.
Sure, at one point,

I ran for sheriff
of Daytona

under the name Deacon Shrimp.

Sure, at one point, I
scammed the Portuguese mafia

out of 1,000 fluid ounces
of Taiwanese ketamine.

- What?
- But I also know

I haven't been the best
big brother to you.

I left you all alone
in that hell hole,

took out multiple houseboat
loans in your name.

- That was you?
- But I'm a changed man now

who's trying to get
his life back on track,

and... I need you to
believe that.

Uh... yeah. Alright.

Thank you.

I have no reason
to lie to you, man.

Literally not one.
Knock on wood.

Sheriff's Department!

Hey. Oh, yeah.
He's been here.

Looks like his brother's
helping him after all.

We're going to need

an additional 277 on
Luke Davenport,

accomplice to wanted
felon Daniel Davenport.

♪ Tri martolod
so young ♪

♪ Tra-la-la
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Tri martolod
so young ♪

♪ They sailed away
to sea ♪

♪ Tri martolod
so young ♪

♪ Tra-la-la
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Tri martolod
so young ♪

♪ They set
sail from Brittany ♪

♪ Tri martolod
so young ♪

♪ Tra-la-la
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Tri martolod
so young ♪

♪ They sailed away
to sea ♪

♪ Tri martolod
so young ♪

♪ Tra-la-la
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Tri martolod
so young ♪

♪ They set
sail from Brittany ♪

♪ A storm began
as they set sail ♪

♪ The waves swelled high
around them ♪

♪ The winds were strong,
the journey long ♪

♪ They landed in
Newfoundland ♪

...coincidence

that it was around
the same time

Bill Gates had Princess
Di assassinated,

and that's
the fourth reason why

one should never trust
the Portuguese.

- What?
- Nothing.

No. Seriously,
man, what?

No. It's...
It's nothing. Never mind.

I know that look.

You're contemplating whether or
not I'm back on my meds, huh?

What?
How is that a look?

Well, I am, okay?

I mean, do I look like Todd
Simmons on a Spanish holiday?

Who the fuck is
Todd Simmons?

I swear you have
nothing to worry...

- What? What is it?
- Nothing. It's nothing.

Uh, I'm just going to go see
if Old Man Waters

still lives over there.
I'll be right back.

Old Man Waters?
It's clearly made up!

And it's my turn to drive!

What the...

Hands on the steering wheel, now.

Oh, dear.

I gotta hand
it to you.

I thought I lost
you back in Wind River.

You banged me
up good.

I don't want your
fucking money!

Hands on the wheel! Do it now!

Oh, dear.

Does this mean
anything to you? Huh?

It's a
Taco Gary's taco,

as in the
TG truce of '21?

Who's Taco Jerry?

It's Taco Gary!

This is a
Mercedes, right?

I don't know.
I don't know!

It's my
husband's car!

He was using the restroom.

Oh.

God damn it!

I'm truly sorry
for mistaking you

for a member
of the Coalition.

It was an
honest mistake.

I'm assuming you have
the child lock on.

Thank you, ma'am.

You have
a lovely day.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Fuck!

You okay?

Not really, man.
I saw it.

Fuck. Okay. Yeah.

Putting a hunting knife to a
grandmother's throat

looks really bad on paper,

but technically that was in
self-defense.

What? No. I'm talking about
these.

Fucking M&M's, man.

Oh, yeah. Me, too.

You're lying
to me, Danny, again.

Relax, Luke!
They're just anti-psychotics.

- Nothing bad's gonna happen--
- Not yet,

but I refuse to be
the idiot in the horror movie

who sees all the dead animals
and the ghost children,

yet doesn't get out.

I-- I feel like I'm being set
up for disaster.

If you would like me to take
the regular pills that work,

I will, okay?
Pinky swear.

I love you, Danny.
I do,

but I am in a new
chapter in my life,

and I don't have time to
accommodate you and your...

Wait. What did you do
to some grandma?

Nothing. It's a metaphor.

Where's my phone?

You promise
you won't get angry?

- Oh, God.
- Look.

For your own safety and for
reasons I can't disclose yet,

I had to dispose
of your phone

via toilet at
the gas station.

- Pull over.
- Why? We just stopped.

Pull over!

Christ!
Calm down!

What is happening
right now?

Where you going?

- Get--
- Damn it! What the fuck?

Shit. Just wait! Just wait!

No! It's over!

You're not going
to talk me out of it!

I know! I know.

I understand.

Look. I'm sorry!

You know I hate
taking that shit!

It makes me feel
too... not me!

- Things make too much sense!
- That's a bad thing?

Can you just get
out of the car

so I can give you
a proper hug goodbye?

- No!
- I'll leave. I promise.

It just might be a really long
time before I see you again.

Just come out and
give me one last hug,

and then
I'm gone, okay?

Please?

Thank you.

I love you, man.

Love you, too. What--

Ah! What the fuck was that?

I-- I know. I'm sorry.
It's for your own good.

- Trust me.
- Don't!

Trust me! You're okay.

Alright. That's it.

You're okay.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Ah. They never show
this part in the movies.

How hard
could it be?

There's Mr. Sleepy Head.

Wha...

What happened?
Where are we?

What?
You don't remember?

Makes sense. You were
pretty damn drunk.

No. I-- I remember I--

I couldn't find my
phone, and--

and then we-- we got in
an argument and...

Holy shit.
You... You...

Okay. Fine. I injected you
with some ketamine,

but you were having
a temper tantrum.

Oh, you're
out of your mind.

You're-- You're--
Oh, God.

There's Mr. Sleepy Head.

- God damn it!
- I know.

This hurts me just
as much as it hurts you.

Why are you
doing this to me?

I haven't been completely
honest with you.

I kind of stumbled into
some trouble,

and I sort of need to--
How do I say this?

Flee the country,
so when I found out

you were going to Canada,
I thought it was meant to be,

- you know, like fate.
- What did you do?

Nothing.

I simply took something from
someone deemed important.

Give it back!

No! The world
needs to see this,

- and I need your help.
- No!

Come on, Luke.
You're family!

And you know family is the
most important thing of all.

Family sticks together,
no matter what.

You paid my neighbor
to say that, didn't you?

Look. It's not my fault
your neighbor didn't take

the extra five minutes to
memorize his fucking lines!

Look. Whatever, it doesn't
matter. The fact is,

I love you, and you're the only
one that I can truly trust.

And you have
a valid passport,

and we kinda look
like each other.

Oh, I can't believe
I fell for this.

No! No! No,
no, no! Help!

Come here,
you little rascal.

Help me! Help!

Stop doing that!

Look. I'm begging you, man.
I need your help,

and I need to borrow your
identity one last time.

Just try to see the forest
through the trees.

It's "for the trees,"
you idiot,

and the answer is no!

I am not gonna risk my
chance at happiness for you.

The thing is, Luke,

I don't think you have
any other options.

Of course I do. I'll-- I'll
just suck it up and fly there.

Truck's worthless anyway,
and all my important stuff

is already
at my new place.

Yeah, but you can't
book a flight

without your phone
and your wallet.

God damn it! Where
is my wallet, Danny?

It's in safe hands. You'll get
it once we cross the border.

I know that look.

You wanna cause me
physical harm,

but right now, I'm your
best and only option.

You'll still get
there on time. I promise.

Any questions?

Can I at least have
my shirt back?

No. Oh, and there's something
else I need to give you.

Now, you're probably
not ready to hear this,

but that right there is a
highly advanced homing beacon.

This is a Rubik's Cube covered
with black Sharpie ink.

Oh, trust me. That's the
highest of high tech.

- I do not trust you.
- And don't ask me how I got it.

I'll just say it involved
a full-figured Big Foot suit,

a live chicken, and
a shit-ton of ketamine.

Now, on the off chance that
we get separated,

you press this part down
right here,

and I'll know exactly
where you are.

Oh, shit! Get down!

- What?
- Get down!

- No.
- At least take a knee!

- No.
- Oh, shit.

The truck's been made.

Oh, thank God.

- Let go!
- If you tattletale,

I swear you'll never make it
to your job.

I'll tell 'em you're the
mastermind behind all this.

- How you gonna do that?
- You really should rethink

your password. Just add a few
numbers or big letters.

- Those go a long way.
- What have you been doing?

Enough to make it seem like you
and I have been accomplices

all along, but if you stick
with me, I'll clear your name.

- Pinky swear.
- God damn it.

It's okay, brother.
I intended for plan A to fail.

This is all part
of the plan.

We're just going to
skip ahead to step 17.

WWTSD. What
would Todd Simmons do?

How many hand grenades
do you have on your person?

- Danny.
- On second thought,

- we don't need a truck.
- My passport is in there.

God damn it, Luke.
What were you thinking?

- I was unconscious!
- You can say that again.

- That's them!
- Shit. Plan C. Run!

You'll never catch us!

We're very armed
and extremely deranged!

Why would you say that?
No, no, no, we're-- we're not.

I'm-- I'm not! Fuck!

This way!
Through the trees!

Wait!

Shit.

Man down!

Jesus Christ.

Needs salt.

Come on!

Fuck! I'm so fucked!

Why did you say that?

Oh, that is nothing compared
to what I told the authorities

we've been doing
for the last two weeks.

No. You, not we. You!

Shut up!
This is all happening

according to the new plan
that I just thought of.

All we need
is a ride

so I can connect with an
associate I have in the area,

- and that guy's perfect.
- Too rare.

Okay. Here's
what we're gonna do.

I'm going to tell him that
my fiancée's dog,

Stanley McRuffRuff, was stolen
by a one-eyed Portuguese man

and we're on a desperate and
inspiring rescue mission.

Why would anyone
believe that?

Because no one wants to
believe the truth anymore, man,

and people don't let
strangers with no pants

ride in their car
willy-nilly.

- Why is there no pants?
- Bingo bongo.

What?

What the fuck?

You know, if something
happened to my little ruff-ruff,

I'd do the same thing.

Damn Portuguese.

Amen, brother.

Oh, right. Uh,
for your information,

I've kidnapped
my brother

and am forcing him to come
along against his will.

He wants to let you know in
case you're a witness

in a trial that'll
never happen.

Brothers, huh?

I guess y'all do
smell pretty similar.

Danny, what the fuck
are you doing?

These are the exact
coordinates. I triple-checked.

Oh, uh, excuse me, sir. Do you
mind driving me to the hospital?

I-- I've been
kidnapped!

Nice try, Luke,

but no one wants to believe
the truth anymore.

Just let me work.

Now that neither
of us have a passport

because you're irresponsible,

we're going to require
the services of a badger.

It's like a
Canadian coyote.

She'll help us
cross the border.

Let's talk.

No running, Eric!

It's nice to see
you again, Allison.

It's been a while.

This is my little
brother, Luke.

Ah, I
know that look.

You're sexually attracted
to her, aren't you?

So, where
you two heading?

I'm trying to get
to Ottawa before Monday,

and he's a
wanted felon.

Ottawa.

What, you guys got family up
there or something?

Eric, slow
the fuck down!

You're a good
brother, you know,

helping Danny out
like this.

That man has opened my
eyes to a lot of truths.

Did you know that there's
a metropolis of squid people

living directly beneath
Santa Fe, New Mexico?

I'm just playing, I don't
believe in that kind of stuff.

Push it, Eric.

God damn it, Eric.

I don't get it.
You seem so...

Look. When Danny called me up
asking if I knew a badger,

I just went, "Screw it.
I'll be your badger."

I've got nothing else to do
right now, and Danny always

knows how to spin nothing into
something crazy and fun.

This is
not fun, okay?

Before Danny
came back,

things in my life were just
finally starting to make sense.

And that's a good thing?
Danny will clear your name.

He's gotten me out of much
tighter jams than this.

Trust me. And who knows?
Maybe by the end,

you'll no longer see this
cup as half empty, like me.

Oh, yeah? Why's that?

'Cause I stopped wearing
contacts. Can't see shit now.

I just made contact with an
associate of mine.

He's gonna provide us with
a new vehicle and weaponry.

- Can he be trusted?
- Oh, yeah.

We ran a lot of jobs
together back in Pismo.

No, no, no, no.
Danny, please tell me

you're not talking
about Klyle.

I don't know what you'd
like me to say, then.

Oh, Danny, come on. Isn't
he, like, the president

of the Flat Earth Society?

No, not anymore.
He knows the world

is a three-dimensional
isosceles triangle. Don't worry.

He said to meet him
at these coordinates.

Jesus Christ!

Relax, baby!
You're in a sauna!

This is definitely
the spot.

I quadruple-checked
the coordinates.

You said his
name was Klyle?

Yeah. He purposely misspells
his name

to make himself harder to track.
It's very smart.

Come with me.

Were you followed?

Uh, I don't
think so.

What about that guy?

Nope.
He's not one of them.

Well, who's the sheep?

That's my little
brother, Luke.

Can he be trusted?

Yeah, 100 percent.
He's my brother.

I see you found
yourself a badger.

Best in the
business.

Only the best
for Danny.

Okay, guys. Can we please
just hurry this up?

How can I help?

They need to
get to Ottawa.

Ottawa...

And no, we don't have
any family there.

Wait.

You're going
to Ottawa?

There's no way you
stole what I think you stole.

Maybe I did.

Oh, you really
got it, huh?

Then whip it out
and show it to me.

You do realize that
is worth

upwards of 27.7
million USD?

He's exaggerating.
Besides, it's not for sale.

Now, can you help us with
a vehicle and weaponry or not?

You...

Yeah. Yes. Yes, I can.

Take your pick.

Is this your
entire inventory?

Yeah. My mom isn't
CEO of Gucci Vuitton,

I'm sorry to say.

Ah.

This one doesn't have
any side mirrors.

Yeah. Well, I had to kick them
off to decrease wind resistance.

Smart.

Ooh, impressive.

If you want anything, all
this stuff is 30 percent off.

Hey, sheep.

Hey, baa-baa sheep.

Hey. Hey!

- You gonna answer me or not?
- What was the question again?

If Grover Cleveland showed up
right here, right now,

right next to you and you
got to ask him one question,

- what would it be?
- I-- I don't know.

I guess I'd ask him
what he thought

about current
events and stuff.

Wrong. Uh-uh.

Okay, Klyle.

What would
you ask him?

- How he did it.
- How he did what?

Time travel!
How did a man that size

show up right here, right
now, right next to you?

That didn't weird
you out or anything?

That didn't spring up a bunch
of questions in your mind?

Danny, we already got
the car, man! Can we just go?

Jesus! Be careful, man.

Relax. It's not
even loaded.

Whoa, Danny!

- The fuck are you doing?
- What?

There's nothing
to worry about. See?

Oh, you
gotta be kidding me.

Klyle, you son a bitch,
you were trying to rip me off!

Bullshit! You probably
had the safety on!

It's off! Look!

That is not how you test it!

- What?
- Let me see.

What? No.
Jesus.

What is the matter with
you guys? God!

I don't
understand it.

It randomly discharged
this morning.

It should work.

Huh.

Wouldn't it be funny if it just
randomly went off right now?

I mean, a little.

Mama, you
want a taco?

Okay. Your loss.

Mm. Hey. Hey, baa-baa.
Next question.

If you could have
brunch with one person,

living, dead, or ghost,
who would it be?

My former self, to remind me
to never, ever trust my brother.

Seriously, if I miss
out on this dig,

I will literally
shoot you.

- Wrong answer, pal.
- Okay, Klyle!

What's the right one, then?

Todd Simmons.

Okay. Will someone please

just tell me who the fuck this
Todd Simmons guy is?

Oh!

- Shit!
- Oh, my God!

I told you it worked!

Oh, fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I've been fucking shot!

Sure that wasn't
there the whole time?

God! No! Call 911!

You're fine. It's just a BB.

Fuck you, Danny!
It hurts!

- Check for an exit wound.
- What?

Somebody help me!
Somebody help me, please!

Restrain him!

Somebody!

Not like that,
you idiot!

Ah! Ah!

Badger, go upstairs to
my room

and get the Band-Aids from my
grenade drawer.

- On it.
- Alright.

We gotta
restrain him,

'cause I'm gonna
suck the bullet out.

What the fuck? That's what
you do with snake venom!

Yeah. That doesn't
sound right.

- Trust me. I'm a doctor.
- Oh, really?

If you're a doctor,
let's see your badge.

- Checks out. Proceed, Klyle.
- Okay.

What the fuck? Ah!

Oh, gross!
He's vaccinated! Ugh!

- Oh, shit!
- Somebody call 911! Ah!

I got him.
It's okay, Luke.

I'll take care
of you, alright?

No!

It's okay! It's just
enough to ease the pain!

How about we make
our own exit wound?

I'm gonna push the bullet all
the way through.

- Ah!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wait! What is happening?

What does it look like? We're
making an exit wound.

Oh, let me try.

- Whoa!
- Wrong arm! Wrong arm!

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
I'm blind as a bat here!

Ah!

- Oh!
- Ah!

Okay.
Alright. Okay. Okay.

Ah!

Oh, wow.
That was satisfying.

- Okay. Okay.
- Ah!

Everything's gonna
be fine, brother. Whew!

Oh, fuck muffin.

Klyle. Klyle.

She must have just bought it.
I swear I didn't know!

Well, now, they know!

Oh, easy, easy.
He's pretty dazed.

Shh. Shh.

- Run. Run!
- Shit, shit.

Shotgun!

Ah!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Oh, fuck muffin.

I think
I just pissed my pants.

- Are we being followed?
- I don't know.

I can't tell without
any side-view mirrors!

Shit! Is that them?

I think so.

Good thing I
called shotgun.

Whoa! What the fuck are you
doing, Danny? Calm down.

It's okay, alright?

I'm just gonna
shoot out the tires.

No blood shall
be spilled this day.

I mean,
no additional blood.

God damn it, Klyle!
This one's busted, too!

No doy. Why do you think
it was in the bargain bin?

Fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck!

- What do we do, man?
- The only thing we can do.

- We gotta get to a--
- Taco Gary's.

It's neutral
territory.

No member of the Coalition
can do business

inside of a Taco
Gary's restaurant.

Can you please let me
out of the car.

It's the truth, nonbeliever.

When the Coalition
was founded,

fights broke out for
tickets off world.

The head elders declared
their favorite restaurant,

Taco Gary's,
as a safe zone.

Violators of the safe zone
had their eyes melted

and their souls sold on
the galactic slave market.

It's not that bad.
He's exaggerating.

The galactic slave market
closed about seven years ago.

Okay. Just
keep going straight.

I think there's one just
over Jeremonte Ridge.

Copy that.

Get in.

Voice on speaker:
Welcome to Taco Gary's.

Try the new single
buffalo blast...

Sit, sit, sit, sit.

...available
for a limited time...

It's okay.

Danny.

It's okay.
Stop staring.

We're safe for now.

Safe for now,
but how the heck

are we gonna
get out of here alive?

Voice on speaker:...try
Taco Gary's chaos-adilla.

I don't know. You guys
sure she want to kill us?

Mm-hmm. What she wants
is what I stole,

and she'll happily string us up
by our testicles to get it.

- Oof.
- And your vagina. Sorry.

- Thank you.
- You should go

before you're
implicated any further.

You can shove
that idea,

because I'm going with you guys
all the way to Ottawa.

I gotta see this
thing through, buddy.

No. I can't be responsible
for another soul, Klyle.

Oh, but this
guy gets to go?

This useless piece
of this guy? No way.

Probably couldn't shoot
a pheasant out of the sky

with a sightless
crossbow,

but you know
who can?

Cash Israel. Yeah.

You're not friends
with him again.

- Yes, I am.
- You guys are talking?

Yeah. We're talking,
and we're tight.

And he told me one
thing. He said,

"I'm gonna teach
you everything I know, pal."

And then he gave me a kiss
on the cheek.

Look. What I have here
is worth 27.7 million USD.

I can--

I cannot be responsible for
another soul, Klyle.

- Fine.
- Thank you.

I'll leave, but I'm not
going out without doing this!

What is this thing?

It's frigging heavy.

What the... It's bolted.

Fine.

God damn it.

Okay. Okay.

Klyle's a lot.

Wha-- What are you doing?

Jesus.
Are you that unaware?

I am done with
all of this.

I'm taking whatever you stole,
and I'm calling the police.

You can't do that. What about
getting to Ottawa on time, huh?

If I stay with you, I'll
probably never make it up there.

Let go of
my fucking bag!

- Let go!
- Hey!

Did you take something
out of here? Huh?

Hell.

What the fuck?

Ah! You
truce-breaking fuck!

What happened to
the Taco Gary's peace?

- I beg your pardon?
- Don't play dumb with me.

I know you're a member
of the Coalition.

Danny. Danny!

No, no, Klyle! No! No, no,
no, no! Fuck! Fuck!

woman: Hey! Watch where
you're going!

Fuck. God damn it!

I swear to God, I'm going
to rip off his fucking head,

shove it up
his ass, and fuck--

Shut up!

Listen to
me very closely.

You're fucking
insane.

- But--
- There is no "but", asshole.

Wow. I can't believe

my own brother's
turning against me, too.

Of course you can't believe
it, because it's the truth.

Look at me. I have been shot and
stabbed and-- and drugged

and fucking kidnapped,
all in the last 16 hours.

I know this
sounds crazy,

but it's still all
part of the plan, okay?

I don't like seeing you like
this! You know how hard it is--

Oh, my God! Are you actually
trying to play the victim

right now, seriously?
You have got to be

the most
selfishly psychotic fuck-up

on the entire planet,

and I am not gonna let you
ruin my life anymore.

Wait. No.
You can't go.

This whole trip
is about you.

Mom and Dad were right to
cut you out of their lives,

and my only regret... is
that I didn't do the same.

You are what's wrong
with this world, Danny.

Never contact
me again.

You coming?

Come on, Allison. You are
clearly a smart person.

If you want some excitement in
your life, just buy a Vespa.

It's a lot safer
than all this!

I'm going to
stay with Danny.

Ah!

Okay! Okay!

Am I the last sane person
left in this entire country?

Okay! Okay!

It's okay. Just let
him cool off a little bit.

He ain't going far.

You want a burrito?
I'm starving.

Okay.

Uh, excuse me.

Hey, uh, can
I use your phone?

I'm not allowed to let
customers use the phone.

Use your
own damn phone.

Right. Well, that
is a very good idea,

except it
has been stolen.

Hence why I'm asking
to borrow yours.

Customers
aren't allowed.

- It's an emergency.
- What kind of emergency?

Well, I have been kidnapped
and shot, for one.

You been shot?

You think I'm dumb.

This motherfucker.

Would it help if I told
you that my fiancée's dog

has been kidnapped by
a one-eyed Portuguese man

and I need to tell
the police about it?

Of course.

Here. Take it.

911.
What's your emergency?

Yes. Hello. Hi. My name
is Luke Davenport,

and I have been kidnapped by my
brother, Danny Davenport.

I-- I believe he is wanted,
or maybe we both are,

but I-- I am the victim here.

I was the one who was kidnapped,
and I have been drugged.

And I have been shot,
and-- and you--

One moment, please.

So... what brings
you out here?

Were you not
listening?

Oh. Dog guy, right?

Is your brother
currently with you?

No, he is not.

What's your location?

Hey, what's the name
of this place?

Huh? What's that?

Where are we?

You know, if anything happened
to my little ruff-ruff,

- I'd do the same.
- I don't...

Whoa!

Hands on
your fucking head.

Hands on your fucking head!

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
Wait, wait, wait, wait!

- I'm on your side!
- I'm on your side.

I don't really
sound like that. Come on.

Oh. What the fuck
is that?

Sir, that's my penis!

Wow. Very nice.

It's very nice,
but a lot of skin.

What's wrong with that?
What's happening there?

What? No!
You don't understand!

- I was taken against my will--
- Shut the fuck up!

No. It's-- It's
Danny that you want,

and I-- I can tell
you where he's going!

You think I'm dumb?
Huh?

He's going to Ottawa,
him and your other accomplice,

the kooky guy with
the beautiful hair.

No. They are
not my accomplices.

Heh! So you do
think I'm dumb.

Okay. That's how we're
going to play it?

No. No. Listen. I just-- I
just-- I need to talk

to a lawyer, okay?
I do get one phone call?

Oh, my friend, that
is where you're wrong.

You see, I'm
not the police,

and you don't get
to call nobody.

What?

Come on.

What is this place?

My summer bomb
shelter, of course.

Jason Biggs?

What? Were you expecting
Todd Simmons or something?

Uh-oh! That was good.
Oh, my goodness.

That was funny.

Oh, yeah.

You're supposed
to be dead.

God. You look
terrible, buddy.

Tiago, did you
offer him a drink?

- I did not.
- What about some mango?

I could slice
one up for you.

I'm okay.

What do you think, Tiago?
Should we, like,

tie him up or something?
Is that a good idea?

You know, it's really
whatever you feel, Jason.

I don't know, Tiago.
That's why I was asking you.

- Do we even have rope?
- Oh, we have rope. Come on.

Okay. Great. Then we might
as well use it, right?

Mm-hmm.

Maybe some duct tape
for his mouth?

Huh?
How's that look?

- Perfect.
- Great.

- Well done, Tiago.
- Thank you.

Go have yourself
some mango.

Hey, I don't
want to be rude,

but I'm kind of,
like, ugh,

up to here with mangos
for today, so...

Suit yourself. Heh.

Lots of good mangos not being
taken advantage of.

True.

So... ahem,
you are probably wondering

why haven't we shot you
in the face yet?

- Unh-unh.
- It's because we need

your brother, the criminal
formerly known

as Sheriff Deacon Shrimp.

You see, I...
am the victim here, okay?

Sure, myself and
thousands of others

may be faking our
death in order to...

Well, I'm sure
you know all that.

What's that?

Is...

Do you get-- What?
One more time.

This is-- This is making me
so uncomfortable.

This whole, like, you know,
tied-up interrogation vibe,

it makes me feel like
the bad guy.

- And you're not the bad guy.
- Exactly.

- You are the victim.
- Thank you.

- Let's scale it back.
- Let's scale it back.

- Yeah. Little bit.
- Scaling it back. Okay.

Uh...

Nope. Uh, okay.

How does
this look, Tiago?

Yeah. You know,
it looks like two guys

just casually
enjoying mangos.

Perfect!
Perfect. Okay. Great.

Great. Now, uh, where was I?

Ah, yes.

The point is,
I am not hurting anyone,

but if I don't have
my ticket,

this whole charade would
be for naught, right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Right.

So I need you to
contact your brother

and explain
the situation.

What is
the situation?

That I'm
being held hostage?

- Hold up!
- Whoa!

Wait a minute.

- Stop that.
- Yikes.

- Whew! Big word.
- No. That's, uh--

Ooh, that word. And--
and again,

I am not
the bad guy, okay?

- You know what?
- Yep?

- Tiago?
- Yep?

Bring the ropes back.

Okay. Much better.
Much better.

Now, you need to
inform your brother

that he has 24 hours to find
that Kyle friend of his.

Uh, it's-- it's Klyle.

What?

His name is Klyle.

Are you, like, stuttering,
or is...

No, it's Klyle.

- Klyle?
- With, like, an L-sound?

- Yeah.
- Huh.

- K-L?
- Y-L-E.

- Uh...
- Oh.

- Stupid name.
- Yeah.

That does explain, though, why
he's been so difficult to track.

- He got you.
- Yeah. Very clever.

Very clever. Regardless...

You need to facilitate returning
what is rightfully mine,

or...

This dog gets it.

Who-- Whose dog is that?

Lives are on the line here!

Don't make Tiago become
the bad guy.

I'll do it,
but I don't want to.

Danny doesn't even have
a cell phone!

There's literally no way
to contact him.

Oh well, in that case, Tiago?

- Bye-bye, puppy.
- No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait.

Wait. I just remembered.
He gave me this.

Damn it.

- Oopsie.
- Tiago?

Yeah.

- Did we not frisk him?
- I did!

I did, Jason, I swear.

It's just,
I got super distracted

by his massive amount of
foreskin, man.

It was like tickling
a Shar Pei, man.

- You could feel all that?
- Dude, you can see it!

Oh my God. Wow.
You can see it.

- Yeah.
- Very nice.

- What is it?
- I don't know.

He told me it's like,
a locating beacon

for if we ever get separated.

This is obviously just a black
Rubik's cube.

Oh, I see what's happening.
You think we're dumb.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

No, not at all.

I know my tech,
and that is definitely

some Elder high tech right
there.

Okay, fine.

How does it work,
smart guy?

I-- I don't know.

Um...

What if I just, like,
twist it?

- Good thinking.
- Great.

♪ Born a worm ♪

♪ Spins a cocoon ♪

♪ Goes to sleep ♪

♪ Wakes up a butterfly ♪

♪ Oh, what the fuck
is that about? ♪

♪ What the fuck
is that about? ♪

♪ Oooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Oooh ♪

There's Mr. Sleepy Head!

- What happened?
- I don't know.

You were just having one crazy
ass nightmare or something.

I'm just kidding. Jason Biggs
really did kidnap you.

I figured you'd wander off
at some point and get snagged

by one of his minions,
so the beacon I gave you

was actually an Elder
stun grenade.

What the fuck
is going on?!

I haven't been completely
honest with you.

No shit!

The police aren't the only
ones that are after me.

I had in my possession extremely
classified information.

Proof that aliens
not only exist

but have been
living amongst us

since the 1996
Summer Olympics.

You just had your first run-in
with a member of the Coalition.

They're a group of tech giants
and celebrities and politicians

who have been secretly
dealing with

said extra-terrestrial beings,
we call them "Elders,"

selling Earth's natural
resources for decades.

The Coalition agreed to let
the Elders suck the Earth dry

under two conditions.

One, that they would provide
space shuttles

to go
to a new habitable world,

and two, that they'd get 10%
of the back end.

Why do you think so many rich
and famous people

have been dying at such a rapid
pace these last few years?

Take Jason Biggs,
for instance.

It's because
they're not dying!

They're covering up for
the fact that they are leaving

this God-forsaken rock
for greener pastures.

I didn't believe it either

until I saw Jason Biggs
face down in a mango.

It might be the most insane
conspiracy theory on the planet,

but if everything Danny
is saying is true,

then we've gotta do something
about it.

I don't care!

Stop involving me in this!

We want to let the world know
that the planet

is being sold off by
the Coalition.

I don't care!

I just want to go to Ottawa!
That's it!

We're gonna make it
to Ottawa,

and you're gonna get there
on time.

And once the whistle is blown,
no one can touch us.

Like Snowden and other
tattletales,

we'll be protected and our names
will be cleared.

But you're gonna have
to stick with us.

Okay, buddy?

How do you feel about that?

God damn Coalition.

We don't have time for this.

Ooh.

You all right?

I just wanted
a better life.

A fresh start
in a new place.

You'll get it...
one way or another.

Look at what he
has done to me.

Oh, wait, you can't,

because you prefer
to be blind!

This isn't normal!

There's no such thing
as normal, Luke.

Look, I used to have

a strong narrative that I
believed in.

- Stay back!
- But after my mom's death,

and losing everything
to a houseboat fire,

I realized the only way
I was going to survive

this chaotic world is if I just
kept admitting to myself

that I don't get it.

I had to accept the absurdity,
accept the chaos.

Accept the Todd Simmons
of it all.

Okay, we've gotta go.
Right now.

Hey, boss, can... I just have,
like, a couple of notes

but like, I don't want you to
take this the wrong way. Okay?

- Yeah. Sure, sure, sure.
- Okay,

sometimes I feel
like we can, um, like,

shorten the time between, like,
talking to the people

- and, like, killing them.
- That's a good note.

Good note. Thank you.

You know, the power
that you exude

when you, like, say less,
is, wow.

I understand what you're
saying. I get it. I get it.

- Thank you, Tiago.
- But, like, do you, though?

Yes, Tiago! I said I get it.

God.

I have what you seek.
If you'd like to end this race,

come to the following
coordinates

with $27.7 million dollars

in a large Gucci Vuitton
briefcase.

This is Klyle,
by the way.

You know
I don't mess around.

How do I turn this off?

I was not shitting.

Did you hear that?

No, I'm pretty far away.

- What?
- No.

- 'Cause I'm pretty far away.
- Okay.

Hey, Tiago, what rhymes
with "12:30 am"?

- Phlegm.
- Phlegm! Okay, yeah.

I can make that work.

Oh. Looks like Klyle just
crossed the border.

How do you know?

Same reason I knew where Luke
was... microchips.

You see, your soccer mom
conspiracy theorist

thinks that the government
tracks us through vaccines.

Not true. In fact, not even the
Elders have that kind of tech.

No, it's any time you go get
your teeth cleaned

or a cavity filled, the dentist
injects you with microchips.

So, you're saying all dentists
are actually undercover

- government agents?
- Contractors, yes.

Think about it. I mean, have you
ever met a dentist

that doesn't seem like they're
hiding some horrible secret?

The answer is no.

So, what's our plan for
crossing, badger?

Oh, hah!

Now it's time for you to get a
taste of your own bullshit!

Go on, tell him, Allison.

Tell him that you--
you're not really a badger

or whatever the fuck.
Or no, no, better yet,

why don't you say...

"I haven't been completely
honest with you, Danny."

Luke, I don't think you--

No, no! Just, tell him
the truth.

I haven't been completely
honest with you, Danny.

Ha-ha!

What do you mean?

I mean... the subterranean
bobsled track that was

big enough to smuggle cars
collapsed last fall.

We're gonna have to pass through
cross point 11

using a basic diversion tactic.
From 3pm to 5pm there are

only two agents stopping us
from getting across.

From there, it's a straight shot
to highway 34.

God damn it!

So, your subterranean
bobsled track, that's like,

a Canadian version of
an Underground Railroad.

- Shut up!
- Would've been perfect.

No matter. So, what's your
diversion plan?

I'll leave that up to you,
but it's gotta be big.

Afterwards, meet up at these
coordinates just north

- of the border.
- Copy that. Roger.

Over and out.

These days, its hard to hold
anyone's attention,

so it's gotta make as little
sense as possible.

We need to make a few stops.

Phew! Well,
that went smoothly.

Okay. According to
Klyle's teeth,

he's just off the main road by
Big Mountain Crest.

Aren't you even gonna ask me how
I made it look like

I sucked the blood out of that
live chicken

without actually having--

Bawk-bawk. Bawk...

What happened?

Is that rhetorical,
or can you actually not see?

Both.

Whoa.

I can tell by Klyle's teeth
he's still alive.

We just have to follow
his tracks.

You can see here, he was dragged
off by several people

or one person who was really
good at break dancing.

We'll go with the former.

You okay, bud?

Oh, yeah.
I'm totally cool, man.

I know that look.

You look like you're about to
have as psychotic break.

Right again, Danny!

You've actually been right
about a lot lately.

- But?
- No, there's no "but," man.

You're fucking Galileo.
You're-- You're--

You're the boy with the wolf.

In fact, I can't believe
I'm about to say this

after everything
you've put me through, but...

I am sorry
for ever doubting you.

You clearly know more about how
the world works than I do.

In fact, I would give you a hug
right now,

if I could, but you know.

Well, that's so sweet.

I'm glad you finally came
around.

Yeah.

Aww. Love you, man.

Love you too.

- Fuck!
- No! No! Back off!

- Back off!
- Calm down!

I am calm. I am being calm.
I am the only one whose calm.

No, no, no, no!

That's better. Ow!

What are you doing?

Ooh!

Fuck! Stop! Jesus Christ!

Focus on the eyes,
look me in the eyes.

- You look at me!
- Calm down.

You can't even see!
You can't see any of this!

Get some fucking glasses!

What? No! Stop. Okay, enough!

Fuck. Ah.

Ow, fuck! I did too much.
Gimme one more.

Ah! Now we're even. Okay.

No, no, wait! Wait!
What about our deal?

- I'm dealing with this.
- Hey, a deal is a deal.

We signed the contract in Taco
Gary's guacamole picante.

- I did my part.
- Okay.

Take your damn ticket.

Wait up!

Good luck.

Got the golden ticket.

Not bad, bro!

I'm proud of you for taking
the initiative.

You don't need me
anymore. Let me go.

There's no point in leaving,
Luke.

I haven't been completely
honest with you.

There is no job in Ottawa.

Nice try.
Go fuck yourself!

There's not.
I made the whole thing up.

It's not gonna work!

All right, if you don't
believe me,

take the name of that new
dinosaur,

"Snommisddot,"
and spell it backwards.

As if!

That's-- That's just the
stupidest thing I ever...

No. No...

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It spells "Todd Simmons,"
doesn't it.

I'm sorry, brother, but the
ends justify the beans, okay?

This is for your own good.

It was you?

This whole time,
the months of emails.

And the calls.

The fucking femur bone?

Yeah, it was a lot of work,

but I knew it was the only way
to safely get you to Ottawa.

Why do you hate me so much?

I don't hate you. I love you!

And it doesn't
change anything.

Whether you like it or not,

I'm the one that got you
into this mess

and I'm the only one
who can get you out,

so, we have to stick together.

Alright, look, feel free
to punch me.

I deserve it. Come on.
Let me have it.

I can't feel my face anyways.

Come on, bro, I'm sorry!

Just let me explain everything,
all right?

Klyle,
you dirty piece of shit.

I know exactly
what happened here.

He's trying to give the prize
back to the Coalition

but got taken instead!

The backstabber becomes
the back stabbed, stabbee,

got-stabbed-in-the-back guy.

If he only knew that money would
be completely worthless

in two weeks, anyways.

Who is that?

That's... it's Jason Biggs.

He's trying to...
Never mind.

Watch your knees.
There we go. There we go.

Okay, do the rope.

Rope, rope, rope, rope.

Huh? Huh?

Yeah, there we go. Okay.
Very "hostage."

Hey, hey, look at me.
No, look at me.

I'm not the bad guy, okay?

I'm as much as a victim
as you are.

You think I want to be here?
I don't wanna be doing this.

Neither do I!
That's why I'm out of here.

Oh, shit.

I believe
he's trying to kick us.

Sweep!

And that's why you never take
martial arts lessons

from Cash Israel.
It's all leg sweeps.

- Sweep! Marco.
- Polo.

- Okay.
- No, oh, the sweep.

Go over there.

- Marco.
- Polo.

- Now go over there.
- Sweep!

Polo!

Take the two
of you at once!

What in the world is he doing?

Axe kick!
I need a break. Hey, hey.

- Let me catch my...
- Hey come...

- Okay.
- Let's lay down over here, man.

- Is this a rest area?
- Yeah, rest area.

Just watch your knees,
watch the knees.

...some electrolytes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got you.

Holy shit!

Oh God! No, no, no!
This was supposed to...

Go check the minivan.

It's gotta be in there
somewhere.

Yes, they don't have it yet!

- Hold my waist!
- Okay, I got you.

Wait a minute. Do you remember
when Klyle was talking

about a secret smuggling
compartment under

- the minivan passenger seat?
- Holy shit. They killed him.

Yes, it has to be there!

Come on.

Come on, bro!

Ah!

She stranded us here!
I should have known better.

It's like Todd Simmons
always said--

- Danny!
- Hang on. Hang on.

I think it's in here.

I got it! I got it!

I found it! I got it!

- I don't care.
- Well, you should care.

This is probably the most
important thing

that you'll ever--

Ah! Shit!

Sir!

Can I have a hug?

Sir! Can I just please
have one hug?

Sorry, man.

Oh, let's do this.

Wait, how many times did you
tranq me again?

I don't know, like, five.

I... need a bump...
of coke... Oh, dear.

You gotta be kidding me!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Ah!

Come on.

Oh! Okay! Uh...

Whoa!

Sorry, Danny. Okay.

What the fuck? No.

Oh, God.

Too many fucking pedals!

Ah! How does this work?
Fuck!

No, leave me alone!

Fuck!

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

Hang on, Danny!

Welcome back to Taco Gary's.

Check your weapons in
with me, sir.

Okay.

Voice on speaker:
...siesta at Taco Gary's,

so eat up like there's
not tomorrow.

Okay.

Okay, buddy.
Wakey-wakey.

Ah! Whoo! Mmm. Mmm.

It's okay, it's okay.
You're safe now.

What happened? Where are we?
Are we on the shuttle?

No, we're at Taco Gary's.
You passed out.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That doesn't sound like me.

I must've been trying to teach
you a valuable life lesson

- or something.
- Hey, guys.

I've gotta say, this has been
a blast. Really.

All the chasing and
the shooting, wow! How fun.

- Okay, it has had its moments.
- Come on, right?

Yeah, it has.

We've been having
a great time.

What was your favorite,
like...

Marco Polo was funny.
That was really funny,

watching him run around,
he was like...

- Like, kicking...
- He thought there were like,

six of you.
It was great.

- Anyways, please hand it over.
- Oh, you want it?

- Okay, listen.
- This motherfucker.

We are aware--

Okay.

We are aware of
the Taco Gary's truce,

but you're gonna have to leave
eventually

if you want to catch
that shuttle.

Oh, really, so you can
kill us too?

If you just hand over
the ticket,

we will let bygones
be bygones.

You blew my best friend's
head off.

Mmm, he said you were just
associates.

No! We were best--

actually, you know what,
I never really liked the guy.

Hey, guys,
look me in the eyeball.

Right here, okay. Last
chance to save your skins.

Please just fucking
hand it over.

Yeah, just give it
back to 'em, Danny.

No. Fuck you, Jason Biggs,

- and your Portuguese Popeye.
- Super rude.

People need to know about
this.

Why? So they can pretend they
know what's best for humanity?

Please. Leave that
to us celebrities.

Yeah, and
celebrity-adjacent people.

- No.
- You talked about this to me.

- Just celebrities.
- Sorry I did it again.

That is enough.

Oh my goodness.

- What's this now?
- It's a piss-eyed Elder.

- A what?
- A fucking alien, dude.

You two. Stand up.

Your majesty, these are
the ones that have--

Silence. Unless you would like
to ejaculate guacamole picante.

What?

I can make any human secrete
guacamole picante

from any orifice. Behold.

See?

What do you want,
you cunt-quistador?

Clever. Follow me.

Daniel, Lucas.

We travel by silver Sonic.

No one would suspect the master
race of the galaxy

to drive a spacious yet
affordable compact sedan.

A great cover with a great
turning radius.

Just get to the point.

Ah, yes. I have been following
you two for some time now.

Creepy.

You want to expose us.

Hell yeah, we do!

This can't be. How?
Why is...

A galactic super race
interested in Earth?

I will soon show you.

Trust me, Luke,
you don't want to know.

No, no, no. He should know
the whole truth.

We are here for the same reason
why your people invade,

well, anywhere.

- Oil.
- For fuck's sakes!

Yes, it is true.

Every planet in the galaxy
runs on oil.

Told you, Luke.
It's fucking bonkers.

We are currently collecting
the last

of your earthly reserves.

Once our extraction
is complete,

we plan on exterminating
all life on this planet.

Why?!

Dead organic material

mixes with other sediment
when buried.

Over millions of years,

under high pressure and high
temperature,

the remains of these organisms
transform into

what we know
as fossil fuels.

By exterminating all life,

we are simply creating
a new oil reserve

to be harvested
in 16 million years,

which, to an Elder,
is not long at all.

We did the same process

with the organisms you call
"dinosaurs".

You killed the dinosaurs?

Literally my one and only
interest?

- Told ya you weren't ready.
- No. No. No, no, no.

This doesn't make any sense,
because if you can fly

through space and live for
millions of years,

then why don't you just
synthesize your own fucking oil?

Well, it is very political.

Too many jobs would be lost

by transitioning to greener
hyper coils.

Fucking unions.

However, we are not barbarian
invaders.

Therefore, we have made a deal
with your chieftains.

In exchange for the oil
and destruction of all life,

we have allowed for passage to
a brand-new planet development

in the midwestern Milky Way.

I think I'm going
to throw up.

Was it something I said?

Uh, yeah!
It's everything you said.

Listen, human.

We Elders are not without
our empathy.

I feel your plight,
and your anguish.

Cool.

You'll be glad to know
that I will asking

our board of directors
for a 100 year delay

in humanity's destruction.

- A hundred years?
- Yes.

All you must do is continue to
keep our existence a secret.

Why?
I wasn't sworn to anything.

I'm not part of the Coalition.

You are now.

Fuck it.

And I will transfer
the $27.7 million

into your bank account
immediately.

- Was that all?
- You're forgetting one thing.

Ah, yes. I will also free
the squid people

underneath Santa Fe,
New Mexico.

Great. I've gotta
hand it to you.

I was not expecting this

from a smug alien
fuck like yourself,

but you've got yourself
a deal.

Fantastic. Now we seal
the agreement

with a simple
genital cupping.

Of course we do.
Fucking weirdos.

A little higher.

Oh, Jesus.

Come now.

Ow.

Oh, Dearlock...

There! Happy now?

We've got all the proof
that you need,

and then we can just return
the whatever-the-fuck

- to Jason, and--
- What the fuck are you doing,

you idiot?!
We were just about to--

Actually, you know what?
Fuck it, it's better this way.

- Come on. Let's go.
- What about the alien?!

Oh, yeah. Uh...

I haven't been completely
honest with you.

God damn it!

The plan was never to reveal
them to the world

or blow any whistles, okay?

Then why are you doing
all of this?

What is the point? Why did I
just assault a freakin' alien?

I didn't tell you to do that!
Look, whatever,

the world's about to end and
the shuttle's leaving today,

so forget this thing and
its two-headed dick. Come on!

Please answer the question!

Why-- Why are you trying
to fuck me over so hard?

Why am I here?

I told you!
The shuttle is here.

What shuttle?

Fuck!

Oh! Bingo bongo.

Computerized voice:
Coalition ID confirmed.

Welcome!

The entrance to the space port
is around here somewhere.

I'm 99.7% sure this is where
the Elders first made contact.

This is where they had
their first Taco Gary's taco.

It has to be here.
It could look like anything.

It could be tiny,
it could be invisible,

it definitely won't look
like a door.

Fuck!

Is this it?

Yes! Yes!

Good eye. Yes!

Come on.

Danny. Danny. Danny.

No!

Voice on speaker:
...Welcome to the Taco Gary's

Interstellar Space Port...

Holy shit.

Hmm?

Voice on speaker:
Welcome to the Taco Gary's

Interstellar Space Port,
located in beautiful Ottawa,

birthplace of
the Bingo Bongo Burrito...

...So, eat up, like
there's no tomorrow!

Luke.

I haven't been completely
honest with you.

- Yeah, I know that--
- But you don't know why.

The reason I haven't been
completely honest with you

until this exact moment

is because you'd never believe
it all at once.

Fair.

When I found out that we only
had a couple weeks left,

I knew I had to get you on
the last shuttle out of here.

And I know I've done nothing
but lie to you,

but if there was ever a time
for you to trust me,

it's right now.

So, you're gonna take
this ticket.

And you're gonna get on
that shuttle.

You know why?

'Cause your life
depends on it.

Take it.

But it's my ticket!
It was meant for me.

You are not seeming to grasp
the complaint here.

Present it,
and you may board.

- It was stolen!
- Oh, that's too bad.

Possession may be nine tenths
of the law for humans.

It is 100% for Elders.

We do not have laws against
stealing.

What? Why not?

Because we do not steal.
Duh.

Every Elders has what he, slash
she, slash Gliborb needs.

Minus affordable gasoline.

- What was that?
- What was that?

- Hmm?
- What?

- Two dicks says what?
- I missed that. What?

Look, this isn't fair. Okay?
I faked my own death already!

I'm sorry, but no ticket,
no boarding.

Jason, look!

Go! Go, go, go!

Next.

Voice on speaker:
Attention, all passengers.

The shuttle will be boarding
in seven minutes.

- But what about you?
- Don't worry about me,

you've done enough of that
in your life. Okay?

This is me
returning the favor.

No, no, because if all that
were true, then--

then why me, man?

And why not like, a doctor or
even a competent swimmer?

Because you offer something
that most of

these self-entitled
"important" people here don't.

You are a good person.

You care about your neighbors,
your family.

You make people feel good
about themselves.

Yeah, sure, the new world will
need innovators

and goal-driven risk takers
to keep humanity moving forward,

but kind, delicate good
neighbors like yourself

are the foundation.

So, knowing that there will be
good people like you

on Earth 2.0 gives me hope.

And that's more
than enough for me.

This is absolutely insane.

I know it is!

It's fucking insane, but I need
you to embrace the chaos.

I need you to accept
the Todd Simmons of it all.

Look, I am asking you,
do you trust me?

I can't believe I'm about
to say this, but...

yeah.

Thanks, dude.

Cough, cough.

I can't believe my good luck.
Makes me wonder

why I didn't just wait
for you guys here.

But alas,
can't change the past.

Anyway, this is the part
of the story--

Hey, hey, Jason,
please. Hello.

- What?
- You're doing it again, man.

- Doing what again?
- The fucking monologue.

- We talked about this.
- Sorry.

- Can I please just shoot them?
- You're right. Okay.

- Much simpler.
- No more monologues.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

See ya!

- Tiago?
- Yep?

That was on me. So sorry.

What the fuck, man?

This way.

- What do we do now?
- Shh.

Whoopsie!

Looks like it's over, huh?

You see, we are covering
the only exit.

I'll tell you what.
You come on out,

and there will be no more
bloodshed.

Promessa Portuguesa.

Now that is a Portuguese
promise.

I knew it would end one day
in an office.

- What?
- Nothing.

I have a plan.

When I give you the signal,

you run back
to the space door. Got it?

What about it you?

Didn't I tell you to stop
worrying about me?

What the fuck?

Bingo bongo!

Get yer tickets
to outer space here!

There!

Hey, assholes!
I have your prize!

Come and get it!

Jesus, what the fuck
are you doing, you idiot?

Come and get it, you
mango-eating motherfuckers.

Hey, Luke!
This is the signal!

Go, go, go!
Luke, go, run!

Thank you.
Well, well, well.

Seems to me--

Please, not another fucking
monologue. Please.

- You're right.
- Let me just do it.

- Go ahead, go ahead.
- Thank you so much.

Run, Luke!

♪ So many years,
got a face that's old ♪

♪ Saw the world unfold ♪

Run, Luke!

♪ And the truth be told
in a steadfast love ♪

♪ In a steadfast love ♪

♪ It's a steadfast love ♪

Oh my God,
that felt so satisfying.

- It looked great.
- Thank you.

- You looked so good.
- Thank you.

Yeah, it looked really good.

Why is-- What's going on?
Is this empty?

- Son of a bitch!
- It's empty!

Look, that motherfucker
is right there!

Come on!

♪ Nah-nah-nah ♪

♪ Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah ♪

♪ Nah-nah-nah ♪

Ah...

The boarding pass, please.

I know what you're thinking.

"Why don't you just go ahead
and shoot me already?

"Doesn't even matter as the
world will end in two weeks."

But this isn't easy for us.

Jesus Christ, man, can you
literally

not help yourself with the
monologue shit?

Sorry, did...
What do you mean,

the world is gonna
end in two weeks?

Oh, come on.

I told you, this is the last
shuttle.

I thought you figured it out
already.

No, I didn't figure it out!

Wait, are the Elders
destroying the Earth?

- No, no, no. Not at all.
- Oh, thank goodness.

- Just all life on Earth.
- What?

Why didn't you just
tell me the truth, man?

No one wants to believe
the truth anymore.

You said I would
inherit your fortune!

- You still do.
- And I have like

- two weeks to spend it?
- Twelve days, technically.

- Oh, you liar.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Tiago, what are you doing, buddy?

Come on, it's me. Jason.

So I wasn't completely honest
with you,

but it was for your own good, buddy.

I wanted your last precious
moments

to be lived in blissful
ignorance.

Again, I am
the good guy, here.

Actually, no, Jason.
You are not the good guy.

You are the bad guy.

You have always been
the bad guy.

You take that back.

I am the hero!

Leonardo, come on,
help me out here?

Thank you.

This is why you should never
trust the Portuguese.

- What'd you say?
- What was that?

You said something about
the Portuguese?

- No, nothing.
- No, fuck you, man!

You know, I changed for you!
And fuck this eye patch.

You know he told me to wear it
because it would make

me more intimidating?
Well, guess what?

It doesn't, this gun does!

New plan.

I'm taking the fucking ticket.

What the hell?

What is that, like,
supposed to be?

Is it supposed to be,
um, give me a sec.

Can't take my eyes
off it. Look at it.

Give me a second.
Gimme a sec. Ah!

But what's the significance of
the boobs, though?

It's like, super
hypnotic,

but it makes no sense, though.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

It's not supposed to make
any sense.

- Because...
- It's a ruse!

Fuck muffin!

They shot Danny!

I know!
Just keep running!

This is the final

boarding call for the last
shuttle to New Earth.

Doors will be closing
momentarily.

If you do not wish to be
incinerated

and repurposed as fossil fuel,

please proceed to the gate
immediately.

Okay. I got it! I got it!

I got it!

Excuse me, sirs.

But murder is not allowed
in a Taco Gary's.

And this port is technically
on Taco Gary's property.

So you know the penalty.

You see why I kept you
in the dark.

I see it now. I'm sorry.

- Oh!
- Oh, wow.

- This is all your fault.
- I know, I'm sorry!

- What's that smell?
- I don't know, dude.

- Mangos?
- Fuck, yes.

Mangos!

Oh dear.

Welcome aboard.

Oh dear.

♪ Well, I came along to find
a little peace of mind ♪

♪ Neglected all my duties ♪

♪ Stepping off
that straightened line ♪

♪ Now I just sit
by my front door ♪

♪ Filled with indolence
and sound ♪

♪ It's like I'm watching
the weeds grow on the ground ♪

Look, Luke.

This is going to be hard
to hear,

but it's what Danny expected
to happen all along.

He never planned on leaving,

but he didn't want you
to be alone.

I still don't get it.

Embrace it. Look,
this is the norm, Luke.

The world is always ending.

Things never
make total sense,

and sometimes our only option
is to just go with the flow.

It's the one thing
we can control.

Do you know
who said that?

Do you know who said that?

Todd Simmons.

And now you get it.

♪ You pass something down ♪

♪ No matter where or how ♪

♪ Well, there'll be weeds
or wildflowers ♪

♪ Affixed upon your bows ♪

♪ And there's a crooked
burning cigarette ♪

♪ Rolling on your tongue ♪

♪ Well, there'll be weeds
or wildflowers ♪

♪ When you're done ♪

♪ Da-da, da-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-da, da-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-da, da-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-da, da-da ♪

♪ Da ♪

♪ Blown about by the wind ♪

♪ And the worthless
little thing ♪

♪ But the world can feel
the changes ♪

♪ Of a butterfly's wings ♪

♪ And so that crooked burning
cigarette ♪

♪ Rolling on your tongue ♪

♪ Will leave its weeds before
your flowers yet have sprung ♪

♪ Will there be weeds or
wildflowers when you're done? ♪