Original subtitles

This is the first photo of me, the author.

Since it was taken, I've changed a lot.

Not so much physically, but morally.

When you look at a baby, you forget that he'll grow up to be a man,

a man like those in this story.

But I promise you that life is as good as this story suggests,

poor and full of life,

and that it would be odious to not say what is

when you know that what it is is...

This film is dedicated to this old baby.

IS THERE A FRENCHMAN IN THE HOUSE?

BASED ON THE NOVEL BY SAN ANTONIO BY FREDERIC DARD

A JEAN-PIERRE MOCKY FILM

MARCH 1981

Mr. President, it's 8:30 a.m.

Mr. President?

Good morning, sir.

This is President Tumelat,

leader of the RAS party in the National Assembly.

Hey, the president isn't farting this morning.

Very good. Have a nice morning, Mr. President.

Good morning, Mr. President.

Where are you with my speech?

I finished it this morning, sir.

Bring it to me.

Right away, sir.

The president is well-endowed.

That's what matters most in a man to the women who love him.

Louis XIV certainly had a nice one, but Einstein?

Excuse me, miss.

What's the little Spaniard up to?

Lord, what a face!

Her ass is more beautiful than her face.

OK.

Schedule for the day?

You're free until 11 a.m.

You have lunch at 1:00 p.m. with the mayor of Paris.

Free until 11:00 a.m.?

I'm going to pay a visit to Marie-Germaine de Castro.

A luxury Scandinavian slut, if you know what I mean.

-You're joking, Mr. President. -I don't think so.

-How many pages is the speech? -Sixteen, but typed...

Be careful, huh? I don't want to bore them.

Impossible. You make it sound like music.

The bastard won't fuck me this morning.

"As the perils we face become more pressing,

"the enemies of the Republic are hailed

"as its defenders..."

"The fierce defenders of the Republic!"

Stupid bitch! I'll end up writing it myself.

Say, Ginette, did Lecanuet respond?

What is it?

Your uncle Eusèbe.

-Dead? -He hung himself.

Poor old guy. When?

Probably tonight.

-I'll go. -But...

At 11 a.m., you have a meeting with the French employers' association.

Fuck them.

Is that the ambulance?

No, it's some guy.

Who the hell do they think they are?

Who are you?

-And who are you? -Inspector Serruti Maurice.

Mr. President!

-Are you the one who called me? -No.

So, was it you?

What?

My condolences, Mr. President,

but to what do we owe this honor?

He was my uncle.

Your uncle? In that case, what a loss!

Who called me?

Maybe a neighbor.

You found him?

Yes, sir.

Did he tell you about his intentions?

No.

He was fine yesterday.

He ate a six-egg omelet for his afternoon snack.

He liked to eat a lot.

He didn't leave a letter?

No.

Where's the body?

Up there, sir.

We called the ambulance, sir.

Mr. President,

why would he do something so ridiculous?

You loved him?

Yes, sir.

So did I. He raised me.

Good God, it's him, in person.

I can see him, talk with him, touch him.

He's better looking than on TV.

My old Eusèbe.

It's over.

Sooner or later, you have to get off the carousel.

I remember his last Christmas.

Georgette!

Your end-of-the-year gift.

This is double what you gave me last year.

Mr. Eusèbe, how can I ever thank you?

You know the answer to that, Georgette.

You promise you won't touch?

No, Georgette. Just like last year, no more.

Thank you very much, Georgette.

Merry Christmas.

He was so sweet,

so sweet.

His fingers,

they're stained with ink.

He wrote a letter.

Since he's here, what if I ask him something?

Must be the ambulance.

What's wrong with you?

We've got the president and a dead man in here.

Easy, now. He may be dead...

Thank you, all three of you.

Now, I need to collect myself alone.

Ma'am...

I believe you have a key to this house.

Yes.

Will you give it to me?

Here.

And the dog?

The dog? Ah, yes.

I'll take it with me.

He was my uncle's companion.

I'm leaving without asking him anything.

Don't be an idiot, Serruti.

Mr. President...

This is my window. I'm asking him something.

I beg your pardon?

I...

My watch has stopped. What time is it?

The time is 10:32.

32?

Thank you very much.

32...

Eusèbe must have written a letter.

You don't hang yourself without explaining why.

Who's there?

What a timid knock.

The important thing is that you heard.

You're late.

I was held up. Tumelat's uncle committed suicide.

I need a minute to calm down.

You know who Tumelat is?

He's on TV, the tall, handsome guy.

Is he as tall and sexy in real life?

If you're interested, I can introduce you to him.

How did his uncle kill himself?

He hung himself.

Why did he hang himself?

We don't know, he didn't write a letter.

Was he ill?

Oh!

My chubby little baby, did you dump him?

Are you sure he killed himself?

It's the young who commit suicide, not the old.

They're used to living.

Do you think we could've helped him?

Can you imagine if it was a crime?

The scandal it would cause!

President Tumelat's uncle.

You should have been a cop.

I'm just drawing inferences.

Your little wife's not stupid.

Come here.

A crime, that makes sense.

My dear boy,

I beg your pardon,

but I don't want to anymore.

Our secret

was still alive

and will die with my death.

I'd like you to keep

the shack

to remember me by.

Your old uncle Eusèbe.

Who took the letter? Who called me?

A neighbor, perhaps,

unless the cleaning lady was lying.

She must be questioned.

I can't believe you worked for Tumelat's uncle.

He's an enemy of the working class. You, the wife of a railway worker!

Just imagine what he'd think.

Just imagine.

Imagine.

I had no idea, Victor.

For me, he was a man of the people.

Mrs. Réglisson, we're the people.

I know, Victor.

With the compensation he promised us,

are we going to just forget it?

What do you want me to say?

Compensation, my ass!

My ass!

Who is it?

Mr. Réglisson, I presume?

Horace Tumelat.

It's just me, Mrs. Réglisson.

Mr. President.

Your home is stylish and modern.

Sit down, sir.

We'd been eyeing this furniture for months.

We finally took the plunge.

I hope I'm not disturbing you, Mr. Réglisson.

Mrs. Réglisson told me about your uncle.

How sad!

How sad!

That's right.

My past is disappearing.

How sad!

That's not bad.

Who's playing?

Our daughter.

Already a virtuoso.

Her mother wanted a piano.

Noëlle wanted a violin. I said flute.

It takes up less space.

There's nothing more delicate than a flute.

Noëlle!

Noëlle, come and see who's here.

Goodness me! She's so beautiful.

Mr. President,

would you like a digestif?

-Just a drop. -No, thank you.

I didn't have breakfast, so I might get dizzy.

I'd like you to tell me about my uncle.

Of course. Georgette, tell him.

Yes.

He was a man...

Yes, he was a man...

What is there to say? He was a man.

What did he do?

He was always tinkering.

He redid the entire house, from the cellar to the attic.

Did he see anyone?

No, never a visit.

Never, ever, ever.

He felt so abandoned that he talked to himself.

All alone.

Sometimes he had real conversations,

especially in the bathroom.

Poor guy would lock himself inside.

Poor guy.

His bathroom was something else.

He never wanted me

to clean it for him.

When Mrs. Réglisson cleans,

she cleans.

Hello, ma'am.

Officer Paul Pauley.

Come in, please. I saw you this morning.

Sorry, I need to feed my cats.

Here I come. Kitty!

-You knew the old man? -As a neighbor.

"Hello." "Good evening."

His dog is a filthy beast who terrorizes my kittens.

You know he hanged himself?

I heard that, yes.

How did he hang himself?

Quite simply,

with a rope.

Do you know whose parent he was?

No, but go ahead and tell me, Officer.

Can we talk somewhere else?

It stinks in here.

What? It smells?

I don't smell a thing.

Where can we go?

My bedroom is the only other room.

Since my husband's death, no man...

My husband was a tailor.

He wore an officer's uniform.

The Fluck cut!

The Fluck cut, must've been something.

Is it this way?

Yes.

Come in.

It must be here.

It's been almost 15 years since he left me.

Memories are beautiful but sad.

I'm all about the present.

Oh, the monster!

Don't you have a TV?

My cats wouldn't stand for it.

Lovely stockings.

-At my age? -What do you mean?

-There's always a taker. -You're terrible.

Without a television, you must spend time at your window.

I don't have much fun anymore.

Your window overlooks the hangman's house,

right?

Exactly.

She's a nice one.

-She's got one of those asses! -Is that it?

No, not quite.

Tell me something.

Who came to the old man's between last night

and the cleaning lady's arrival?

A motorcycle stopped in front of the door.

Had you seen it before?

No, never.

At what time?

7:30 a.m., give or take.

The cleaning lady arrived immediately afterwards.

What did he look like?

He was young-looking, of medium height.

And the number?

Oh, sir,

do I have a head for license plate numbers?

No. More like a head for...

Excuse me?

Then what did he do?

He went in and came out a minute later.

Was the door closed?

I guess not.

It's a pleasure,

cooperative people like you.

I hope our collaboration doesn't end here.

Excuse me, my cats are getting impatient.

-Not bad. -Mr. Police Officer!

You look like a beautiful bitch. I've got my eye on you.

Protect me, Papa Fluck.

Anybody home?

-What do you want? -It's about the investigation.

Let's hear it.

Given your profile, I wonder if...

If what?

If your uncle's death was natural.

-He didn't leave a letter. -Yes, he did.

You couldn't be bothered to find it.

-What's your superintendent's name? -Lardouin.

Does he know what you're doing?

Let's just say...

-Commissaire Lardouin? -Yes.

You're dismissed.

I went back to that hovel like you told me, you bastard!

She's scolding me, my big darling cock.

I bumped into the president, and he wasn't happy.

Don't touch me.

He found the letter. Case closed.

But not for you, you idiot!

Since he found the letter, did he show it to you?

I should have asked him?

You think it's normal that he found it

when you couldn't?

You big idiot!

-You think it's suspicious? -Super shady.

When it's super shady...

And if it's super shady?

We'll do what we have to, honey.

We'll do what it takes!

If you're still hungry, there's leftover tripe in the fridge.

Don't fret.

All set, Alcazar?

Everything's arranged, sir. The funeral's tomorrow.

I squeezed them in between two appointments in Levallois.

Who told you?

Who told me about the death of... It was a man's voice.

No, that I didn't know.

Why?

Good night, Mr. President.

24 hours a day? Goddamn!

You're going to give that crook your resignation.

Did you hear me, Ginette?

If you looked different, I'd wonder if you and he...

If I'm so ugly, divorce me.

You don't throw away a pot to piss in.

All you have to do is ask for a divorce.

You'd like that. Never, do you hear me? Never!

Because you love me, no doubt?

Love you? Take a look in the mirror and you'll understand.

I won't divorce you because I have principles.

The Alcazars don't divorce, period.

My God, see how useless my husband is and take him back.

I'm giving him back. I don't want him anymore.

Bury this piece of shit, Lord.

Amen.

I gave you the address out of sympathy.

No, because I gave you an envelope.

I don't want any trouble.

My wife works for the president.

I never reveal my sources, Mr. Alcazar.

I can't sit next to him.

A dick in the ass never created a connection, my girl.

I'd like you to keep the shack.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, so be it.

Amen.

Papa Fluck. This is Mama Fluck. Stop.

You've been gone so long.

I've always done the right thing.

Remember the gas company employee? Nothing.

Stop.

Last night, with the police officer, it was a close call.

Stop. I'll keep you posted.

What if I went all the way to the cemetery?

I would cross paths with the president!

I would ask him to transfer me to Paris Center.

It would piss off the guys.

What a beautiful death he'd make, Jérôme.

To be so good at playing dead and yet stay so stupidly alive,

what indecency!

I was supposed to marry

the man I loved in this very church,

and you gave me Mr. Réglisson.

Lord!

-Goodbye, Mr. Tumelat. -Ma'am.

Good morning, Officer.

Hello. My brother.

Hello, miss.

The biker from the other day, that's him over there.

Over there.

Very good, Mrs. Fluck, you've done your duty.

That way, you don't have to bother anymore.

He's a freelancer at Le Parfait.

Don't forget the master of ceremonies.

I'd like you to keep the shack.

-Mr. President, I... -Here you go, my friend.

You won 200 bucks, you stupid bastard.

You got screwed, big guy.

Eusèbe, you neglect me.

Eusèbe won't be coming back.

He hung himself.

I'm not surprised. His conscience wasn't aging well.

And how is yours, Mr. President?

I didn't know anything, I assure you.

Eusèbe and I got on very well.

You know...

It's been 18 years.

Why did he keep you locked up for so long?

Because he loved you.

He wanted to protect you from me.

Had I known...

What would you have done?

Think about...

the day you were appointed secretary of state,

and me, a notorious blackmailer,

I popped into your office,

and I sang to you my famous creation:

"Sold Jews to the Gestapo."

Youthful idiocy.

I'd been arrested, and I was scared.

Yes, youthful bullshit.

In politics, you can go to the bank with it.

The proof is in the pudding.

-How much did I ask you for? -A large sum.

I gave it to my uncle for you.

He gave me this place for 18 years.

And I thought it had been settled.

Settled?

A blackmailer never works on a fixed-price basis.

I had dreamed of moving to Guatemala.

At that time,

Guatemala was a long way away, but it was already expensive.

What would you have done if I had insisted?

I'd have neutralized you, one way or another.

Really?

Eusèbe was right to take me in.

Otherwise, we'd both be in jail.

Now what? Should I be packing my bag,

or are you renewing the lease?

I'll think about it.

If I were you,

I'd set me free.

That's right.

But you're not me.

Fair enough.

But from now on,

I'll be your conscience, Mr. President.

Well, well, well!

My conscience isn't so good-natured.

My poor old man,

you must have had a rough time of it.

Say,

if you keep me,

bring me batteries for my radio.

It's dying.

Goodbye, friend.

President of the Red Cross, President of Rotary,

President of my butt,

President of everything and nothing.

And among them, me, president of my balls for life.

Look at all these first-class jerks.

I drown them in the whirlpool of my contempt,

of which I'm the honorary president.

Goodbye.

Mr. President,

Éric Plante, journalist.

OK.

I would like to do a piece on you with a personal angle.

The private lives of public figures must remain private.

I must insist.

We've never done anything on your youth.

You were raised

by an old uncle, I believe?

You can deal with my past when I'm dead.

For the moment, it belongs to me.

-You're Éric Plante? -Who's asking?

-Can we chat? -I'm working.

So am I.

What can I do for you?

What were you doing in a house on Impasse d'Orient the other morning?

It was for an interview,

just an interview.

-Tumelat's uncle? -Yes.

What did he have to tell you, you nosy parker?

Nothing. He was dead.

Before or after you arrived?

What do you think? Like all suicides, he left a note.

How do you know that?

If you committed suicide, wouldn't you leave a note?

I'm not intending to.

I've got it. I took it.

Got to earn a living somehow.

Are you happy?

Home invasion, document theft. I have a witness.

Sounds like you're coming with me.

You may be a cop, but my manager's got a long reach.

There are guys who eat out of his bowl

that would amuse you.

"I'd like you to keep the shack."

What's your take on this, you nosy shit?

Come on, open it, Mother.

What has my pussycat done to you?

Keep going and I'll call the ASPCA.

He's my boyfriend.

And you're my girlfriend.

Have a seat.

Time to work.

What time did the president leave?

Right after you.

-Since then, no one has come? -No one.

Yes, a kid came to hand out flyers.

He put one in the box.

Can I finish my blanquette?

If you let me admire your stockings.

Would you like some?

I don't care about the blanquette.

A...

A car has just stopped.

What are you waiting for? You've got to go.

Yes.

It's the president.

Too bad.

Why too bad?

All these cats. Otherwise, we'd be good here.

He has some packages.

Who are the packages for?

What are you doing? Where do you think you are?

We're getting to know each other.

You mustn't do that. I'm an honest woman.

Hush, old doll.

-The dog. -What?

The dog's throwing him a party.

Can't you keep your mouth shut, slut?

Are you leaving?

Goodbye, Officer.

I like these.

Yeah, but you need a key.

In the drawer.

You should have dyed your hair a long time ago, Mr. President.

Dyed?

I'm not a woman.

It would bring you closer to the young people.

White-haired and right-wing,

it's a bit retro.

Don't you think?

It's the first time I've seen them like this,

my wife and her Jules,

deep asleep in a state of complete abandon.

Fascinating.

I look at my life as another couple.

I don't mind.

Has something happened?

Eusèbe is dead.

You could have called instead of coming into my room.

It's mine too.

Did he die suddenly?

In a way, yes.

Cover yourself, Alain.

If I asked you a big favor,

would you grant it to me?

Now, Horace, this question...

She's your wife.

Tell me.

It involves

taking care of

a disabled person,

only when I'm unavailable.

It's special...

state business.

State affairs are your department, not mine.

Thanks anyway.

She fucks well, Alain?

What a boor!

And you want me to do you a favor?

She's more of a lazy fuck.

I have to do all the work.

Then I owe you compensation.

How would you like the Legion of Honor?

Sure.

You'll get your red ribbon

at the next ceremony.

Thank you.

It's not for me, you understand? It's for my mother.

-Do you understand? -Yes.

What are you waiting for?

You.

Me?

You. Don't tell me you could be my daughter.

Your granddaughter. I'm 17.

You don't impress me with your 17 years.

It won't last. I've been there.

You can reach me at this number every morning.

Stop clowning around. You're not funny.

If I don't do it at my age...

Enjoy your age. It won't last.

Did you lose something?

Cancel all my appointments.

But the mayor of Paris, the employers...

Fuck them.

Can I help you with something?

What a man!

What a man!

Publicis speaking.

Publicis? Yes, this is Alcazar.

The president would like a new acronym for RAS.

-Our posters are weak. -At last!

Would you sign up for RAS if you saw that?

We want something direct,

a kind of...

-Of... -Hello?

A punch.

A tricolor punch, you know?

A big bang.

Juan Carlos!

Shit! Rosita.

And above all, a catchy slogan.

What's going on?

I'm dusting.

Can't you see I'm working?

What did I tell you? That slogan...

I don't know. That's your job.

The president is in danger of changing agencies.

I'll tell the president.

-I beg your pardon. -It's for her. I beg your pardon.

I forgive you.

Anybody home?

Where did you get a key, Alcazar?

-You know... -What?

We have a spare at the office.

What's the matter with you, Mr. President?

What happened to your wonderful white hair?

Did you do it yourself?

Do I look different?

It's like you have a son.

Who asked you to come here, Alcazar?

-I thought I'd put these files away. -You don't do that.

Respect this place and his memory and get the hell out.

He's so handsome. I'd like to give him a blowjob.

Come on, get to it.

"Get to it."

With what I found, I sure will.

A widow at 35, can you believe it?

What a dream!

To come and sit on Jerome's grave,

in a cemetery that smells like a garden in autumn,

the dream.

How many of these deaths were provoked?

Will we know if Jean-Baptiste Lemuret...

Did he merit a magic potion?

HERE LIES JEROME ALCAZAR

The pink cross is Jerome's death in a tube.

Miss, was that your husband?

You're pretty. That's too bad.

Lord, I'm drifting.

I followed yesterday's session of the House.

Rather distressing.

You insult me. I'm going to deprive you of dessert.

I'm serious.

I may be a professional blackmailer,

but I'm still a French citizen.

What struck me was that nobody believes in anything anymore.

I listen to them on my radio.

Amidst the invective of the Assembly, I asked myself:

"Is there a Frenchman in the room?

"Just one, a real one."

Civics lessons from a scoundrel.

You think I care?

I'm sorry, but...

France is no longer your master. Politics is.

Your compass is the stock market.

Your homeland is television.

What's your name again?

Always the same, Jean-Marie... nah nah nah.

Listen carefully, Mr. Nahnahnah.

You're pissing me off.

I'm honored, Mr. President.

Say,

if the Prime Minister hands over the reins,

do you know who will replace him?

Not me.

Power doesn't tempt me.

Why?

Are you still afraid, like in the old Gestapo days?

Are you fragile,

Mr. President?

Let me tell you something in confidence.

Yes, I pretend to be strong.

Pretending to be strong is strength.

You do have ideals then?

No. I don't remember. I must have lost them along the way.

Take action. They'll come back to you.

Leave it to your testicles. They'll know what to do.

Take real risks.

You can do it.

Why?

Why?

Because you are capable

of ignominy,

Mr. President.

Can I still have a little dessert?

-How did you get the key? -I had it made.

-Do you have a warrant? -Did you have one the other morning?

Come on, dig, you little shit. Start up there.

It's burning. You shouldn't leave me here too long.

You and your advice...

You listen to me. I see you dyed your hair.

Eric, did you find anything?

No. It's strong stuff.

We'll come back with some tools.

Yeah.

Police!

I'm asleep, sir.

Open up. Open up quickly, for God's sake!

-Do you have something to tell me? -Yes.

See the little pussy there?

You have to shave it all off by tomorrow.

I like it smooth, really smooth.

Never, sir.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Shameful.

Shameful.

What's happening, my poor little one?

PHARMACY

Is there someone we can call?

My parents still don't have a telephone.

Yes, wait, ma'am, maybe...

I have a number. Do you mind?

Go ahead.

Noëlle?

Mr. President?

My niece.

My niece.

No journalists, nothing.

Certainly.

-Where do we put the bike? -Wherever you like.

I know where I'm going to put it.

Do I owe you anything?

It was nothing...

It's an honor.

-Why did you call me? -I don't know.

I know...

because I love you.

And you, why did you come?

Because I love you.

So do I.

You know I'm almost 55?

Why did you dye your hair?

To look 54.

It's 10:00 a.m.

He arrives at 10:00 a.m.

Does it hurt?

A little.

-There we go. Better? -Yes.

-Would you like a drink? -No, thanks.

With sugar.

I'm not a child.

It's terrible, you know.

I can't go anywhere, I'm always recognized.

It's nice here. I've been here before with my mother.

Did you know my old uncle Eusèbe?

-Did you love him? -I should have loved him more.

How long will you be able to love me?

Five years, ten years, with luck.

In ten years, I'll be a real old man,

and we'll be beyond reproach.

Maybe, but that's ten years from now.

The president came with a very young girl.

I've seen her before with the cleaning lady.

That could be useful. Well done, Mrs. Fluck.

Here.

What is it? Is it a gift?

Maybe you don't have a razor.

If you keep talking like that, I'll be forced...

-Are you causing trouble? -No.

I think that's enough. I think you'll be able to supply the soap.

Do you at least have soap?

Yes.

Lather up well.

Come on, go.

Are you angry with me?

In stories, young girls are virgins.

In stories, the young lovers are young.

Like in a story,

he was a friend from the neighborhood.

I didn't know I was waiting for you.

Can I admire you?

Yeah. Come.

Come here.

Lift a little more.

There you go. There you go. Come on, lift up a little more.

Come.

Wait...

You know how hot you are?

I've felt it for you since day one.

Something happened down there.

I said, "That's my doll.

"That's my old doll."

You'll see, it'll be great.

-Do you want to be happy? -Yes.

You're my tough little legionnaire.

Promise me you'll never hurt my cats again.

Couldn't you keep your mouth shut?

Just as I was about to give it to you,

me, a boy half your age,

a former volleyball champion,

and a police officer, so watch out!

You can't keep your goddamn mouth shut, you idiot!

Damn it!

You're lucky you look like my mother.

It's you.

That's it, the kid. He's fucking her. She's 17, I checked.

How did you find out?

I'm a cop.

-Where are they meeting? -Ah. Guess.

-The old man's house? -Bingo.

Don't be a bastard. Leave the scoop to me.

From now on, we're a team, and we tell each other everything.

Me, hide something from you? Never.

We're on a hot trail.

What is it?

Mr. President, it's a police officer.

Let him in.

Si, señor.

This is Officer Serruti.

Sir.

To what do I owe the honor of your visit

on a Sunday?

It's about the funeral.

What funeral?

Your uncle's.

Yes.

The other day.

I was there too.

I hadn't noticed.

Remember...

you gave me 200 francs.

I gave you 200 francs?

Sir, I don't buy police officers,

or I pay heavily for them.

Let me explain, Mr. President.

You were mistook.

Mistook?

Mistaken. I meant to say "mistaken."

You confused me with the organ player.

No, the organizer, Mr. President.

You know, for Paris Center...

Because of the move,

my transfer to Paris Center.

I'll give you back

your 200 francs.

200, there.

Everything's settled for the transfer...

Excuse me, I'm so distracted right now.

Is there anything I can do for you?

That's so nice of you.

I don't want you to think that...

That you had... I mean, that you had...

On a Sunday, you'd have to have a lot of nerve.

-Goodbye, my dear friend. -Goodbye. Excuse me.

All's well for the favorites, Demontier in the lead.

In second position: Mozon.

In third place...

Come on!

He's getting closer.

Maybe we'll see a sprint.

With pralines, it will be more appetizing.

It's always the others who get to be widows. Shit, Lord!

I made you a little raspberry and praline sabayon.

Yeah.

Shit. Come on!

Did he take anticoagulants?

Are you kidding?

Ask the doctor. He wrote the prescriptions.

Pastis, yes. Not intravenously but almost.

How is he, Doctor?

This one doesn't know.

You have to be brave, Mrs. Alcazar.

We're going to try.

You should be at your husband's bedside, Alcazar.

My husband doesn't need me to finish dying.

Be decent.

I hate him.

This isn't the time.

I love only one,

and soon, I'll be able to devote myself entirely to him.

Good.

After you drop me off, take Mrs. Alcazar to hospital

and be at her disposal.

Yes, Mr. President.

No, not that, ma'am.

You said "anything I want."

Anything but that.

Don't tell me you're afraid of your wife here?

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

Calm.

It's strong, it's hard, it's big.

See how well he takes me?

You've been so disgusting to me over the years.

You gave me such a hard time.

You deserved that, I swear.

You can't lie to a dying person.

I'm sorry.

Open up.

Don't yell.

You'll never come in here again.

Police! Recognize this gentleman without his helmet?

-Yes, it's him. -You see, she recognized you.

-You snitched on me? -She's a good snitch.

Hormonal, I bet.

It can have serious consequences.

-You mustn't laugh. -I'm not laughing.

Come and see.

Magnificent.

Hey!

I'm going to do them with a telephoto lens.

I think that's them.

Is that her?

That's her, yes.

Shut up, snitch.

No one asked you.

I should hold you in contempt.

Eric!

Don't you think I should lock her up?

If I were you, I'd grab her right away.

Only I have a crush.

I'm not taking my big doll in.

-Promise you won't hurt me again. -I promise.

Got them. I'm going to the lab.

Hold on a second.

You're going to take one of me and the lady.

Don't you want a nice picture, doll?

I haven't done my makeup.

-I'm not dressed. -You're fine.

-Take off your skirt. -I didn't hear you.

We've got things to do. Enough bullshit.

I'm off to the paper.

No, you didn't hear wrong.

Take off your skirt, come on.

The thing we have to do

is this.

You pull it up.

And you,

you flash when I say.

-Come on. -Good.

Look at that. Isn't that a beautiful view?

Smooth, like a bald eagle.

Eric, come on.

Come on, take it.

Come on, take it.

Take it.

Take it, come on.

Take it, I said.

There, toward me.

Come on.

Take it.

Jesus, take it, come on.

-Take it! -Ma'am?

Come on.

Did you get it?

You should give me a key. It's our house.

No, I can't. I've still got things to...

It's awful, I was going to lie to you.

I'll tell you everything,

but on one condition:

you're going to marry me.

You're already married.

To a woman I don't love who lives with another man.

I'll do it, but on one condition.

What?

We'll have a child.

Come on.

Hello, miss.

She's lovely.

In love?

Seventeen years old.

Seventeen years old!

Miss,

you were conceived the year

I was meant to move to Guatemala.

You found the lever, Mr. President.

What?

The lever to your power.

You'll become great through love.

You're going to go to Guatemala for good.

What? You trust me?

It's a gift for Noëlle.

Thank you, miss.

What the hell will I do in Guatemala?

I can't walk with this thing on my leg anymore.

You'll take cabs.

Yes, but in the slightest sunlight,

I'll get sunstroke.

You'll buy a hat.

You need money for that.

I'll give you some.

A lot?

Enough.

So, you've seen everything?

Yes, I've seen it all.

-Was it good? -Great.

You didn't say goodbye to the grandma.

I came to give it to her, not talk. When will the photos be ready?

Tomorrow.

Mine too? And in large format, so you can see.

Some of those photos could get you in trouble.

You know, I'll kill you if you mess with me.

Yeah, I know.

Tomorrow at 11:00 a.m.

Mr. Plante, I only have ten minutes for you,

not one more.

Show me what you have to sell me.

I understand it's about my private life.

You know,

even as a child, I had great admiration for you.

How much?

You occupy a privileged position

in our political universe.

How much?

Ten million.

Five, then.

Is this even worth it?

This was done on a Pentax 300 ASA. Looks good, huh?

Can you imagine this photo on the cover of Parfait?

She's a young one.

What can I say? Nubile.

It would sell.

Where did you say you would publish these photos?

Le Parfait, Mr. President.

Le Parfait? You deserve better.

Hello, France-Soir? Is this Desmoulins?

No, I'll connect you.

-Hello. It's Tumelat. -Hello, Mr. President.

I've got news for you. I'm getting remarried.

Who's the lucky lady?

A young girl of 17, an angel.

You'll make the front page.

I'll send you the whole file by post.

I have photos too.

-Good ones? -Excellent.

-You have my gratitude. -Goodbye, my friend.

Hats off, Mr. President.

Turns out you're a gentleman.

I should kiss your feet.

-Are you a queer? -Depends on who it's with.

Sissy?

Depends on what it's for.

-Skilled? -Depends on the moment.

Good.

We're going to play Cowboys and Indians.

Here's half a bundle for you, Bill.

What do I have to do, Sheriff, to get the other half?

These are the keys to my château in Gambais.

Tonight, you'll break into my wife's room,

silently.

Don't forget I'm queer, Sheriff.

I didn't forget, Bill.

You'll find my wife in bed with a big Indian prick.

-Should I get out my Colt? -No.

Get out your Pentax 300 ASA, Bill.

You're going to catch them in the act.

Bring me the photos

and you'll get the other half.

OK, Sheriff. Understood.

Sheriff, what happened here?

I'm here to rip you off, and you give me a mission.

Who better to ask than a real bastard?

-OK, Bill? -OK, Sheriff.

Mr. President,

you may still need me after this.

I'm a real bitch, you know.

I'm glad you came.

My lawyer will contact whoever you choose.

Is she pregnant?

Not yet, but soon.

And me, Horace, what will become of me?

My ex-wife.

Never.

You know very well that divorce is a foregone conclusion.

The only thing you can sell me on now is time.

And the youth I devoted to you, what's the value of that?

Exactly the same price as mine.

Was she a natural, the old lady?

Are my photos ready? You said yesterday at 11.

I got a call about an emergency.

You were supposed to see the president. What happened?

He's a tough son of a bitch. He fucked us big time.

Read France-Soir.

Tell me.

He announced that he was marrying the girl with my photos.

Holy shit!

He didn't give you any trouble?

He could have, but he played the gentleman.

I'm from the press. What could he do?

So, it's over.

-Are you up to something else? -Some shit for the paper.

-The people caught in the act... -You don't know them.

I've got to go.

Here's your documentary with the old lady.

-OK. -See you around.

Thank you very much.

Wait, you forgot, we have a date.

The shack, our little digs.

Let it go. You're risking the roof.

So the team's finished? Every man for himself?

What do you think?

We'll see each other. We're buddies.

For life?

9:10 p.m.

The president has had a horrible day:

the police, the prisoner,

the sharks that surround him.

But there he is, an old loser outside his beloved's window,

at the foot of a horrible dungeon.

He presses his cheek to the wall of the building,

listening to her breathing up there.

Oh, my! Good evening, Mr. President.

Good evening.

Here you are, Ms. Réglisson.

Forgive the delay.

My uncle would have blamed me if I hadn't brought it to you.

-You shouldn't have. -Please.

Mr. Réglisson, look.

What's that?

We can't accept, Georgette.

Good evening, Mr. President.

500; 1,000; 1,500...

This is too much.

Are you OK, President? 2,000...

2,000?

2,500. Sit down, Mr. President. 3,000...

3,500? Look.

No. 3,000. We'll stay at 3,000.

-Excuse me, is your daughter here? -Yes, but she's a bit unwell.

-She's making me worry. -What do you mean?

She's taken a dislike to me and her father.

-It's like we embarrass her. -Don't exaggerate.

I'm not exaggerating.

She no longer eats or talks.

If I didn't know better, I'd say she was in love.

I was like that when I was in love,

but in love,

not... before.

Yes, she was like that.

Would you like me to talk to her?

You won't get anything out of her.

She's a child.

I used to get angry too... before.

Let me try.

That's so sweet.

Noëlle!

Noëlle!

Don't put on a sour face.

Mr. President wants to talk to you for us,

on our behalf. Open the door.

Good evening.

Can we chat for a moment?

You must listen to him

as if you were talking to your father.

The president is rotten,

but he's got substance.

He might hear us.

Think again! That's a fireproof door.

Ma'am?

-Ma'am? -What is it?

Here, ma'am.

-But why? -Please, take it.

Why me?

I've been given everything, and I'd like to give something to someone.

Ma'am.

Don't be afraid of lovers. They only kill the ones they love.

-Good evening, sir. -Thank you.

You're getting younger, Mr. President.

-In love? -Like a madman.

You know there's news about you coming out?

Let them talk.

The PRM is agreeing to a coalition with the RAS.

You know that, Mr. President.

And in that event?

We'd love to see you as keeper of the seals

in the next government.

Do you mind?

-Yes? -It's Noëlle.

My love? I'm dying for you.

Me too. I'm counting the hours.

Clear your schedule tomorrow.

I'll pick you up at 7.

Where will we go?

It's a surprise.

See you tomorrow, my angel. Love you, honey.

I love you.

I love you.

Can I report a favorable response

to my group chairman?

No, sir.

No more compromise, no more bargaining.

I don't recognize you.

Because I'm molting, sir.

I've been a whore for 20 years.

I eat out of people's hands, or they eat out of mine.

Twenty years trading favors with the other cretins,

and I claim to be saving France.

I'm 55, and I've decided to wake up before I croak.

-What time were you born? -Me? 4:45 p.m., I think.

At 4:45 p.m., 17 years ago, I was visiting this.

Listen, Mr. Plante, Eric,

I don't know where the president is.

In fact, this is the first time this has happened.

An elopement, when you're in love...

An elopement? No.

Frankly, you amuse me to no end.

It's none of your business.

It's everybody's business. It's in the paper.

TUMELAT MARRIES RAILWAY WORKER'S DAUGHTER

The photo is mine, exclusive photo with copyright.

I came to bring him some documents.

I'll be back tonight.

They must be hand-delivered.

They're beautiful, aren't they?

Like a fairytale, as they say.

Eric!

We won't budge, comrades.

We don't break.

-Put it down. It's not yours anymore. -Why?

-We don't like sheep here. -I'm not a sheep.

Comrades, good news.

President Tumelat to marry Noëlle Réglisson,

daughter of our comrade, comrades.

It's not true!

They're lying, comrades.

It's a ploy.

It's a ploy!

It's a provocation, comrades.

It's not true.

Do you promise we'll go back in 17 years?

I'll do whatever it takes.

-See you tomorrow. -See you tomorrow.

-Where were you, you slut? -Venice.

-What? -I took a plane.

You slept with an old man? Here!

I love him, Dad.

He's fucking with you.

Do you marry a railroader's kid if you're the president?

We are getting married. You'll see.

Do you want me to kill you?

Do you want me to kill you right now?

Go ahead. You can't stop me from loving him.

My little girl.

My little girl.

You were just a baby.

You cried during the night.

I'd get up and change you,

I was cleaning your little behind,

and all to get your ass ready

for that old bastard.

Say, girl,

you didn't let him rub

his belly against yours?

You understand, it offends nature.

Girls don't care

that their dads love them.

They prefer others, the thieves out there,

ready to take them to their nests,

like the gypsies who robbed chicken coops when I was a kid.

You know,

I'd kill him

if I knew

you wouldn't mourn him.

Tell me,

there's no shortage of young people around you.

Dad,

he needs me.

A young man only needs himself.

What about me?

And me, Noëlle,

I don't need you?

Don't I need you, Noëlle?

Victor! Victor! Mr. Réglisson! Have you heard the news?

President Tumelat is to marry Noëlle.

In my arms, my darling.

And Dad's crying.

Look how happy he is.

Mrs. Réglisson, you're both bitches.

What the hell are you doing here, Alcazar?

Has something happened?

Your husband? Is he here?

The cleaning lady's daughter?

Exactly. Her father is a railroad worker.

What else, Detective?

You had your trysts at Eusèbe's house?

Affirmative, Your Honor.

You would do this to me, who gave you everything:

my time, my body, my life, my husband's life?

You've been a great secretary.

I hope you stay that way for a long time.

See you tomorrow.

This can't be. Say you love me.

Very much, Alcazar. See you tomorrow.

Horace, don't do that. You don't know what I'll be...

Jesus! That's enough, now. Behave yourself, damn it!

Lord,

don't let that little blonde whore

get hold of the president.

He belongs to the nation and to me.

Inspire me, Lord.

I'm counting on you. Don't be a bastard.

This is Paul Borandi at the Conseil d'État.

The speakers are

following one another in a tense battle.

It is certain...

Hello. I hope you like it.

It's from a delicatessen near my parents' house.

What is it?

Terrine.

Thank you, Joan of Arc.

Why do you call me that?

You could save France.

Me, politics...

When there's a debate on TV, I go and play music.

Precisely.

It's music that France needs.

All he needs is love.

And to believe what he says.

Tomorrow, try to get yourself invited

to the Conseil d'État. This is crucial.

I'll try, but...

If he knows you're in the room, he'll speak for you,

he'll be angry for you.

Anger is very important.

Everything great that has ever been done has been done by angry men.

Why would he get angry?

Because everything's wrong.

Things are going badly because everyone makes decisions

without worrying about others.

You seem to have a lot of sympathy for him,

in spite of all this.

Is there a key to remove your chains?

Eusèbe was too cautious for that.

They would have to be sawed.

You don't have a little bottle of champagne, do you?

To celebrate a great victory?

I could make you a potion.

You look very cheerful for the first time.

There's no mystery left for me about the business across the street.

-Really? -No.

-Aren't you going to ask? -No.

You're right, I won't tell you, a snitch like you...

What's wrong with it?

He's got a little bout of bronchitis.

I brought you some souvenirs.

Come and sit on my lap.

You haven't shown these to anyone?

Just friends. They like them.

But you can see who I am.

Of course, you can.

They're nice, aren't they?

No, but look at them. Take a good look.

That's nice. Say they're beautiful.

Beautiful.

Louder.

-I can't look at them anymore. -Shit!

Excuse me, my doll.

You have to do your part too.

It's not my fault I have a dick and you have an ass.

-Is it your fault? -No.

He gets on my nerves.

OK, listen. Come on, doll.

Come on, doll.

Today, we're going to do it normally, like everyone else,

on a bed, languidly.

You're going to put on your stockings.

I only have the black ones from my husband's funeral.

Perfect. Call me when you're ready.

What are you making me do?

Go on.

It's not going to be pretty tonight, Papa Fluck.

Officer!

I'm here, my doll.

Mrs. Marquise, after you.

You'll see, it's going to be great, just the two of us.

I thought about you last night, imagining you as a little boy.

You know, I had a nice mom. I admired her a lot.

I saw the neighbor between her legs, and it made me cry.

Poor little boy.

I'll get you some coffee.

Assassin!

Assassin!

Tomorrow, I'll go to the police.

I'll tell them everything. I'll show them the photos.

I'll tell them

about the biker, the razor, the president.

-I'll snitch. -Wait.

I'll buy you a bigger one.

Don't touch me ever again!

Damn it!

Mom!

It was some hoodlums.

Wounded by hooligans, this is his moment

to atone for all his filth.

This may be the last time I speak to you.

Everyone goes through a moment in their life,

a crisis of conscience.

Every man has a right to the light he carries within him,

and he eventually realizes it.

I have observed an atrocious reality:

we live in an age of cowardice.

We live like cowards, we die like cowards.

We practice cowardly politics.

Politics isn't about talking to the cameras

or writing professions of faith.

Politics has only one mission:

to organize society.

I say... let's organize it...

no matter who holds power.

The main thing is to use it for the common good.

Held together by some,

allegedly saved by others,

France wants to be left in peace.

Yes, Prime Minister.

I will, I want to... We will overthrow you.

We'll overthrow you. I implore you

to overthrow yourself

and join us down here.

I beg you to believe my sincerity.

Giraudoux wrote:

"To speak truthfully and to lie, we use the same words.

"Only the sound changes."

Abandon the present, refuse to trust the government,

and we'll succeed.

I hope this appeal will be heard.

I know that the people of France will understand me,

because that's who's talking.

Ladies and gentlemen,

a man

full of the most immense ambitions,

but also total humility

comes to you and begs you

to pull off a miracle:

to be, in this room,

French

at the same time.

I went. Did you hear?

The strangest thing of all was his voice.

He was somewhere else.

That's what being inspired is all about.

Naturally, no one applauded.

Do you think they'll trust him?

You never know with those sharks.

In any case, win or lose, we'll help him.

Yes.

Here. Try using this to protect your leg.

Your saw isn't very good. It's going to take a while.

The Prime Minister has been voted out by a margin

of two votes.

You have to go back a long way to find

a politician with faith and humanity.

The people have never felt so captured by a speech

by Horace Tumelat.

All men of good will have rallied behind him.

It's an indisputable triumph for the president.

It's your young fiancée.

It's not a pretty sight.

I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.

Such wounds,

to repair them...

Mind you, there are some...

What's it called?

I saw it on the show...

What is it?

Sir?

No other victims?

No. She jumped out the window.

If there had been someone else, they'd have done the same.

Was she really alone?

There was something odd about this shack.

Police Lieutenant Pauley, who sadly passed away this morning,

was very interested in it.

Alas, he's unable to file his report.

As for me, I'm yours for the taking.

As proof, here's your uncle's farewell letter. I took it.

Sensationalism is our bread and butter.

I also have the photos of your wife that you asked for,

but I understand that under the circumstances...

On the other hand, your speech this afternoon,

it'll make you...

Yes, slap me, that'll make you feel better.

That's why I'm here.

Don't forget my name, President.

My name is Éric Plante, like a plant.

I'm in the phone book.

Good evening, sir.

At the Conseil d'Etat, we witnessed a coup de théâtre.

The president made a vibrant appeal.

He was sensational.

Subtitling: TransPerfect Media