Original subtitles

And so we leave Donal and Paris as they make their way through the happy throng

to their castle, where they lived happily ever after.

The end.

That's all for today, boys and girls.

Join us again next week when our story will be The Princess and the Pea.

Clear? It's a wrap.

See you all Monday.

Oh, thank God. Great show, Chris.

You look exhausted.

Yeah, but not why you think.

Problems?

You know, you remember when we started this show, you thought it would only

a season, but that I was going to get a lot of exposure.

Yeah, and it did better than we ever dreamed. I mean, the time was right for

straightforward show with someone reading two kids, not down at them.

And the ratings have never dipped.

Yeah, but it's really starting to get to me.

In what way? Is there something I can do?

I don't think so.

It's these stories, you know, they're coming into my dreams. I'm afraid to go

sleep.

Kids' stories are scaring you?

But they're not just kids' stories.

It's like they're real people living real lives.

Give me an example.

Okay, remember last week's show, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?

Okay, sounds simple enough.

Yeah, not my version.

Snow White gets pregnant, see? She knows the puppets.

Yeah.

The prince rejects her.

She sues the dwarves for palimony. I mean... I'm glad we didn't get that one

the air.

Yeah, me too.

You know, I'd really hate to lose this series. It's made us both rich.

Sweetheart, don't worry about it. I'm sure it'll pass.

I hope you're right.

God, I really hope you're right.

I usually am.

The princess lifted up the mattress, and to her surprise and delight, found the

court chair.

Oh, Jester, he asked, whatever are you doing under my mattress?

What are you doing under the mattresses?

I'm sorry, your princess ship, but I was given strict orders by the king to see

no one disturb you for any reason at all.

Henry, please. but that can't be very comfortable for you.

Nor for you, ma 'am.

Look what I found between the mattresses, next to me.

Oh, Jester.

I'm sorry, Apprenticeship.

It was rude of me to pull it out and display it to you.

I shall report to the whipping master at once.

Oh, no, Jester.

You see, I turned away simply because I was ashamed.

You see,

It belongs to me.

To you?

But why?

A princess leads a very lonely and loveless life.

And I still am a woman and I still have desires.

But I doubt that you'd understand.

If your highness will pardon my rudeness, I do understand.

A jester's life is much the same.

After all...

Who would bet a court fool?

Then we are much alike, my friends.

What bad life we lead.

All too true.

Well, if your highness will excuse me, I will get back to my post under the

mattress. Of course I won't excuse you.

How can I sleep with you under there?

Well, if I do not do my duty, the king will have me whipped or even beheaded.

Then you shall sleep in the bed next to me. That way, I can get my rest, and you

will be in a position to make sure that no one disturbs me.

Then you'll sleep on this side, and I will sleep on this.

Yes, Your Highness.

Justin,

do you want to sleep with your clothes on?

No, Your Highness.

I don't want to sleep with any clothes at all, but I thought it would be...

hear no more of it. It's silly.

Remove them at once.

Yes, your highness.

Are you afraid of me, Chester?

No, your highness.

Then why do you stay over on the far side of the bed?

I feel that it's safe for you if I remain here, Your Highness.

Do you mean if you were next to me that you wouldn't be able to control

yourself?

I am but a lowly jester.

Then come keep me warm while I'm a jester.

And if you can't control yourself, go be it.

What if someone should find out?

That's one of the good things about being a princess.

You see, first of all, no one would believe that I would lower myself to

gestures. And second, no one would dare call me a liar if I denied it.

Then let the merrymaking begin.

You give them here.

That was wonderful, Your Highness.

But it is nearing dawn, and you've gotten no sleep.

Then off with you. Go stand in the closet and swear no one disturbed me.

I can swear that.

But how will I explain you're tired now?

Hmm.

I could just say that I found a large pea in my mattress, and it kept me awake

all night.

No one would believe a tale like that.

I told you, Jester, I'm a princess, and no one would dare call me a liar.

Yes, Your Highness.

But would it be better if you had said a small p?

You don't do yourself any justice, Jester.

Yes, Your Highness.

So the evil queen lost her voice, and the prince married the princess, and

all lived happily ever after.

The end.

Thanks for watching, boys and girls, and be sure to tune in again next week when

our story will be Little Red Riding Hood.

And we're clear.

Another great show, ladies and gentlemen.

It's a wrap. See you Monday.

You did it again, kid.

Crystal.

Chris.

Anything wrong?

No, really. I'm fine. You were staring out into space like you were in a trance

or something.

You haven't been trying that yoga stuff, have you?

No. Oh, really, I'm fine. I was just thinking about a dream that I had about

this show. It was so real.

Another dream?

You know, I did some thinking about that since the last show.

You know what I figure?

What?

I think...

You get so into these that they consume your subconscious mind as well as your

conscious mind.

And?

Well, you need something to sidetrack that.

Like, say, a hobby.

A hobby?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like that. A hobby. Like a distraction.

Yeah.

Think about it. Give it a try.

To full basket.

Sandy was right. I just needed a hobby to clear my mind.

I haven't had a bad dream in three nights.

Friends, I found someone. Mr. Woodsman, you've got to help me.

Hang on there, young lady.

I'm just the maintenance man here. What's the problem?

A wolf has eaten my granny, and you've got to get her back.

A wolf?

Here in Fresno?

Yes, sir. And since you're such a brave woodsman and hunter, you've got to save

her.

Well, I'm afraid if I do happen to save your granny, you're not going to want to

see her when I get her back.

Well, we've got to do something.

Well, there is something I can do. I can...

Go out and kill the wolf for you, but what are you going to do for me?

I don't understand.

What can I do?

Well, you see, I get off alone from out here poolside in the middle of the

woods.

I haven't been with a woman for quite a while.

Oh, you men, you're all the same.

That's all you ever think about.

Yes, ma 'am.

So we have a deal.

You take care of me, and I go out and get revenge on the wolf for you.

Well, okay.

When and where?

About here and now.

You don't trust me for later?

Nope.

Okay, where should we start?

About here.

Yes, ma 'am.

Oh.

Oh.

Ugh.

Mmm.

It's weird.

I want you to turn over, take your shirt off, and I'm going to come all over

you, too.

Basket weeding through crazy people.

So the woodsman killed the wolf with one mighty blow from his axe.

Granny was saved, and they all lived happily ever after. The end.

Thank you for watching, boys and girls. And be sure to tune in next week when

our story will be Lewis Carroll's wonderful fantasy, Alice's Adventure

the Looking Glass.

We're clear?

That's a wrap.

See you on Monday.

That was great, Crystal.

I especially liked the way you improvised about the woodsman and his

hairy chest and sinewy back.

Oh, my God, did I do that?

Oh, Sandy, I'm really sorry.

It's these dreams.

They're creeping into these stories.

Well, hey, if they creep in like that, we can live with it. I mean, you look

like you were, like, really getting into it.

Oh, God.

I was, I guess, maybe too much.

You know, in my dream, Red lives in Fresno and has sex with the woodman

he goes off to kill the wolf.

That sounds a little kinky to me.

It's not a joke, Sandy. I'm really worried.

Look, worrying is just going to make it worse.

What about that hobby?

A complete disaster.

It just incorporated itself into my dreams.

You know, I think there's something else at the root of this.

Well, hey, sweetheart, you know I'll do anything for you. Is there anything I

can do?

No.

No, I don't think so. It's something I have to work out on my own.

Okay, well, good luck.

My dear, said the Red Queen, if you are to be royalty, there are many things you

must be taught.

Are you sure this is proper?

I am the Queen, and everything I do is proper.

Now let's see your bodice.

My bodice?

Your torso.

Let's be quick, Alice, or you'll never be a princess.

Oh, well... How's this?

Well... This is what a queen should have.

Royal pets.

Theo.

Wow.

Wow. Your doctor did a wonderful job.

Yes, he... I mean... What are you talking about, child? These are natural.

Natural?

Wow.

I didn't know boobs this big could be naturally... naturally big.

You dare to question the queen?

Guards, off with her head.

I'm sorry. I'm so terribly sorry.

I didn't mean what I said. I really didn't mean what I said. Please.

I'm sorry.

Well, if you're sure.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

I'll make it up to you.

And how do you intend upon doing that?

Yes, that indeed will be fine.

Oh,

yes,

Alice.

Oh, yes.

Alice, you must watch your tongue.

Don't speak, but use your tongue like that.

Do you mind if I get a little

comfortable? But of course.

Please.

Oh, Alice, come on. I'm hurrying. I'm really hurrying.

Guards are waiting anytime, you know.

Don't worry.

I'll take it.

You love that pretty little pet of yours.

the queen.

Take a better look

Yeah.

Thanks.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Enjoy yourself.

Chrissy.

And as she turned, Alice could see that it was only a mirror again.

But she had had quite an adventure.

The end.

Thank you for watching, boys and girls.

And be sure to tune in again next time. We have a special treat for you.

Hansel and Gretel.

We're clear.

Set the light.

It's a wrap.

See everybody on Monday.

I need to talk to you.

In the dressing room, okay? All right. Five minutes.

Like you had a little slip of the tongue tonight, huh?

You mean about the butch queen?

Yeah, that's the one.

Well, it could have been a lot worse.

Listen, I want to try a little experiment.

Anything you want.

I know we agreed to keep our personal lives away from the show, and so far

done fairly well.

Yeah, we've stayed friends and we work well together.

Well, now I need your help in my personal life.

Anything you want.

I want you to come sleep in my bedroom for a week.

And?

And every time I start to dream, I want you to wake me up.

You know, that's asking an awful lot.

I mean, you know how I feel about you.

You sound just like the Jester.

Jester?

Oh, never mind. It's just another one of my dreams. So will you do it?

Your wish is my command.

You do sound like the jester.

And Hansel pushed the licks into the oven, slamming and locking the door

her.

And then they both ran home.

Hansel, you saved my life. How can I ever repay you?

We can return safely to our families as payment and upgrade.

But I wonder where our families are.

Probably still out in the woods looking for us.

But you realize that we're going to get punished because we went out in the

woods together.

Yeah.

And what a shame we didn't get to do what we wanted to do, huh?

And we'll probably be punished anyway.

Yeah, and it would be a shame to be punished for something that we didn't

do. Here, here.

Oh, handsome.

You can touch him.

You ever touched him before?

You can touch mine.

I never touched these ones.

Or any for that matter. You want to see?

Too hot after being in the wood?

Yeah.

Yeah. Hot. Yeah. Too hot, huh? Yeah.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

There in that spot? Yeah. That spot right here? Yeah.

Get up.

And, uh... And just, uh... Pretend this is your thumb.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I mean, like, I suck my thumb.

All right, just like you suck your thumb, suck this.

We'll watch.

Okay. All right?

Do I bite it?

No. Uh -uh.

I don't think so.

I don't want to try it.

No.

Definitely not.

Just, yeah. That's, yeah. Like that, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Go down more. Go down.

Like.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Sacks of... They're called balls.

Marbles.

They're marbles. That's what they are.

That's a funny name.

Marbles.

Oh.

Just, uh, because I like it.

Put it in.

In? Yeah. Push more? Yeah.

Yeah,

I think it fit.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

All the way. Oh.

Yeah. Like that? Yeah.

Oh, I can do this all the way in? Yeah, like that. Like that? Yeah.

All the way?

Yeah. Oh, my.

Oh, my.

Yeah. Oh, my.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah. Oh,

yeah.

He's eating gingerbread houses, doesn't he? Yeah.

I hope so.

You can see mountains and valleys down here.

I don't know.

That sounds good.

That sounds nasty.

Yeah.

We're going to get in big trouble.

Big trouble. I don't care. I don't care.

I don't care.

Get a feel? Yeah. A lot of guys get in trouble for this.

I don't even want your butt.

I feel weird. You feel weird?

Yeah. What's wrong?

What is this? Are you okay?

I don't know. I like it.

It's white.

I'm not blood.

You didn't wake me up.

I fell asleep also.

And I had the weirdest dream.

Was it Hansel and Gretel?

Yeah. And after they pushed the witch into the oven, they both made love.

That's exactly the same dream I had.

Yeah, but it seemed so real.

I mean, I could feel the warmth of Gretel's body and her hot breath on my

I could feel Hansel's muscles in his back as he entered her.

as if it was her first time.

Yeah.

But that's impossible.

Because two people can't have the same dream at the same time.

Wait a minute.

Okay, so I think I should tell you something I've been keeping from you for

long time now.

See, I've been having dreams too.

Yes, the same as yours.

Except mine are planted toward a man's point of view, whereas yours are from a

woman's.

Why didn't you tell me that?

You seemed to have enough problems at the time, and I just didn't want to add

them.

Well, so what do we do?

We can quit the show.

Absolutely not.

I think we're doing a very good job.

Kids don't want to seem to read on their own, and I think we encourage them to.

Yeah.

Well, then, we live with our dreams.

Well, you know, I think these dreams might be trying to tell us something.

How so?

Well, now that I know we're both having the same dreams, it all seems to fit.

Sandy, how's your sex life been lately?

I've been around, you know.

Wait a minute, that's not true.

I lied.

I haven't had much of a sex life lately.

Actually, not since we started this show.

Me either.

I think these dreams are kind of like a repressed feeling with an emotion.

In other words, we should go out and find somebody to fuck our brains out.

Why do we have to go out anywhere?

You mean you and me?

Wait a minute. What about our pact?

Well, we can renegotiate, I think.

Well, I can deal with that.

When should we start?

Well, how about right now?