Original subtitles

When people have a problem, they usually turn to someone for help. If that

problem concerns sex, they often turn to me.

I'm Annie Glanders. I write a sex advice column called Dear Annie for Hump

Magazine.

Hump is one of the hip adult magazines you find in most of the finer sex shops,

usually on the rack next to the peep show booths with the sticky floors.

Hello, your mail is on your desk.

I get letters from hump readers everywhere.

They write to me about all kinds of sexually related topics.

Everything from their bizarre sex encounters and kinky fantasies to some

questions about the best low -calorie edible underwear.

I help out when I can.

Do you ever hear from Mr. Smutko anymore?

Wacky Mr. Smutko is my reader's favorite 68 -year -old admitted pervert.

He once spent four months in traction after attempting parachute sex from 6

feet. It's a method he read about in my column the day before.

No, not since his electric shock treatments.

Oh, shock treatments.

Did they help?

Who knows?

But I heard he can catch a frisbee with his teeth, sit up, beg, those kind of

things. Oh, that's a great trick you could do at a party.

I guess.

Hey, look, I'd like to keep talking to you, but I really have a lot of work.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking.

Okay, I'll leave you alone with your work. Have a nice day and good luck with

your column.

Thanks.

I don't need good luck. I need good letters.

Something I can work with.

Wait a second.

Here's something.

Dear Annie, you fucking bitch.

What the hell makes you think you're such a fucking authority on sex?

Cunts like you are usually sexually frustrated, who've never even been laid.

And you try to make up for it by pretending to be some goddamn expert,

actually you don't know shit.

So fuck you, you castrating bitch.

Sign, fuck you.

What an incredible asshole this guy is.

But I think this crap just might work.

Let's see.

Dear fuck.

It seems like every month...

I get this kind of letter from some jerk bastard like yourself, and I mean that

in the nicest way possible.

But if you can take your head out of your ass for a minute and stop playing

yourself long enough, I'll try to answer your questions before your laughing

brain stops destroying themselves.

I was working as an assistant sex surrogate in Van Nuys.

The job didn't pay much, but the work was fun, and I got to meet a lot of real

interesting people.

The time already, nurse?

Right on schedule, Stan.

But you look a little bit worried today.

No, not really, but maybe just a little.

Well, don't worry.

Just try to remember what we learned the last time.

Is it starting to come back yet?

Well, maybe I should look at the diagram just one more time.

Here's your diagram.

I think it's the time to come back.

Are you remembering me?

A little.

Very good, Stan.

Good boy.

Do you remember how to eat pussy?

Mm -hmm. How I taught you?

Mm -hmm. And thirsty?

Yeah.

Oh,

good boy.

You could have ate that for the day.

and doing your homework.

Don't let go.

Oh.

We're going

to

go

over something called a climax.

Does that sound like fun?

Mm -hmm. Aw.

You've been such a good boy.

I'm going to let you feel something now.

What is that?

See?

You're going to like this.

Oh, yeah.

I know you're going to like this.

Oh, yeah.

Dan,

are you done with this?

My natural talents in the area of sex made my calling clear right from the

start, and I was able to share my God -given abilities unselfishly with

Over the years, I've drawn from many of my rich past personal experiences for

this column, and this practice has proved quite helpful to a number of my

readers. You, on the other hand, are far beyond any help.

Amy.

Touche, you dirty scumbucket.

Okay, that's one down.

Come on, we're rolling now.

Shit, less than two hours left.

I need some coffee.

Oh, please.

Enough already with these goddamn inflatable plastic dolls.

Been done to death.

My God.

He looks like he's got a baseball bat between his legs.

That thing could be dangerous.

This is definitely one to add to the ladies' room hall of fame.

Incredible.

He'd give this guy a pair of ice skates, and I bet he could play professional

hockey with that baby.

We're talking about some serious high -sticking and real puck action over

Hold on, folks. We may just have another winner.

Dear Annie, last weekend my boyfriend and I went to a birthday party for

Her and I have been best friends since high school, and sometimes we get kind

wild, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, it was late and everybody was pretty drunk when I suddenly realized I

hadn't seen Donna or my boyfriend Bill for some time.

So I went looking around the house.

I found them in the bedroom.

Donna, Bill.

Sue, listen, I can explain everything. I certainly hope so. I was just going to

come get you. You know, I hate when you start without me, Donna.

You mean you two did this before?

We share everything.

We're trying to set a new record.

You think you're up to it, Bill?

You kidding me?

Better get old Mr. Guinness on the phone right now.

That

record

will stand for a long time.

Yes.

I hope so.

I told you we shared everything before.

It wouldn't have been such a surprise, you know.

Good practice for this record day.

Yeah? Mm -hmm.

Yeah.

Did you make that call or what?

No. Mm -hmm.

Ooh.

Yeah. Ooh, that's good.

Mm -hmm.

Do you like it though? It's not bad though.

Paige is going to put this record on, babe. It's going to be too hot to put on

paper. Thanks a lot. Mm -hmm.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Just take care of your girlfriend. Let me see you go down to the pussy.

Would you like that? Yeah, I would.

Yeah, I feel like something's wrong. Why does she keep sucking my cock?

We'll make sure of that.

Yeah.

Get a good weapon.

I'm going to fuck you both.

Yeah? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, baby. Just like that.

Oh, yeah.

One good cock sucker, honey.

You made me work it.

Making it hard as a rock.

Boy, that looked good.

You can give her the lessons, haven't you?

Yeah.

You know that style?

I like it.

Oh, baby, I'm glad I took it.

Oh.

Oh, baby.

Oh, God.

You like that, don't you?

How about this, too, down here?

I will.

I think maybe I want some of that.

Maybe that's a damn good idea.

You know what?

I'm digging both of you.

Are you?

Yeah, we'll share this.

Good friends do share.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Wait, I would love to see both of you down there at the same time.

I can't think of anything else I'd rather see.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Let's see what you see in the castle, baby.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah Fine Fine

Oh, God, you do me good.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Are you ready to talk, baby, huh?

Yeah.

Let's see what you might be.

Why don't you go up there and run a school work?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Fuck you. You know what? You know what, Donna?

I think I want some of that motor tongue.

You want some of this?

Can't make up your mind, can you, Sue?

Can you reach them?

I'll die trying.

Yeah. Yeah.

I can give you one more ride, baby.

One more ride.

Come here.

I want you right down there.

Right there?

Mm -hmm.

Right there.

Right here?

Mm -hmm.

Yeah.

Don't mind me. I'll just be here. What are you doing? I'll be bringing up the

rear.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

We didn't break the record that night, but Bill couldn't walk for two days

afterwards. We may never set a new world's record, Annie, but Don and I

have fun while we keep trying.

Signed, Double or Nothing.

Dear Double, My readers always love it when I open the column with a big bang

two. Thanks to the both of you for proving once again that sex can be more

just a two -way street.

Good luck, and keep us posted on your progress, Annie.

Uh, hi. It's one hour until deadline.

Well, actually, 57 minutes.

You must be new in the department.

I just started. I'm Chuck Noon.

Sorry I was rude to you earlier.

I'm, uh... I know.

Annie Glanders.

I read your column all the time. I'm a big fan.

He's cute, and he has good taste.

I like that in a man.

I especially like the one where you wrote to this wife of the plumber who

her to sleep with a couple of rusty pipes while he watched. That was a

Wow, I appreciate hearing that. Thank you.

My favorite one...

was when a guy wrote wanting you to list your five favorite as yet unfulfilled

fantasies.

Now that was kind of tough.

But you know, since I made up the list, I was able to take the one about the

globetrotters locker room off of it.

I couldn't figure out what the cattle prod was for.

Well, I'll have to show you sometime.

Oh, anytime you want.

And that just might be fun.

Come on, letters. Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Wait a second, what's this?

Dear Annie, will you please settle a bet between me and my soon -to -be ex

-husband? He claims that it's impossible for a lesbian relationship to be as

sexually satisfying and fulfilling as a straight relationship.

I think he's just full of shit as usual.

Sign, out of the closet.

Dear Out, a relationship is only what one makes of it, regardless of whether

it's straight, gay, or just a fling with a friend's old snorkel.

Personally, I'm the type of woman who's grateful for every new experience that

happens to come my way.

Once I spent a weekend up in the mountains with my cousin, Ann.

Feeling better?

Mmm, much.

It's so relaxing up here.

Thanks for inviting me.

I'm glad you can make it, Annie. You know, you've been my favorite cousin

since we were kids.

Boy, we used to talk about everything.

Well, almost everything.

What do you mean?

Well, I've had this incredible crush on you.

You know that?

Me?

That's right.

I didn't know.

Have you ever made love to a woman before?

No.

Would you like to?

I really don't know how.

Can you show me?

Sure, just leave everything to me.

Okay?

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Ooh, yeah.

You get 10.

Right there?

Uh -huh.

That's fine,

my love.

to Kim and others like her, I quickly learned that you are what you screw.

Annie.

20 more minutes.

Shit. I need one more here and I can wrap this damn thing up.

Nope. I did one on necrophilia last month.

This one's dead too.

No. No good.

People get tired of these stories about amputees.

Wait a second.

Dear Annie, in reply to the letter from No Buns in Cleveland, I'd like to say

that although I understand his obsessive interest in flat -ass women, I must

present the case for us guys who love round, firm derrieres.

Lynn had the cutest tush I'd ever seen.

Hi, are you Fred Rubble? Yeah. I have a scene telegram here from your wife,

Wilma. My wife. She's always so full of surprises. I love that woman. Come on

in.

Dear Fred, don't get upset and don't get mad.

I just sent this to explain our marriage is over.

I'm running off with your best friend, Dwayne, but we hope you don't take it

hard.

Sorry I couldn't return the ring, but it's going to pay for our little fling.

And the rest goes on your credit card.

All my love, Wilma.

God, I hate these divorce agreements.

Tips are always so lousy. I can't believe it. Today's our 10th

Oh, yeah. She also says happy anniversary.

Terrific. I know just how you feel. My old man just left me this morning.

Why in the hell would a guy leave a babe like you?

I guess he couldn't overcome watching other men all go over my ass.

Staring at that ass would be a fine way to spend my life.

Why don't you take a closer look?

I think I will.

Needless to say, Annie, I've been addicted to lovely asses ever since, and

love every minute with every bun.

So just sign me Bun Buddy.

Dear Bun, thanks for keeping us all behind these facts.

A story like that shouldn't be canned.

Annie.

That's it.

I did it.

I'm sorry to bother you, Ms. Glanders, but it's time to put that piece to bed.

Are you talking about me?

No, I'm referring to your column.

Oh, that's done.

It's right here.

Okay.

Did I

tell you that we were alone? for about the next hour and there's no one else in

the office?

You mean we have the whole place to ourselves?

Just you, me, and the typewriter.

Felt like fun, but what about the piece?

I got your piece right here.

Damn.

Then let's roll the presses.

Oh, boy.

Oh,

look

at... Oh, my God.

Now I know I was such a big fan of yours.

Oh, my.

You haven't been in this department for a long time.

I'm still curious about that cattle prod.

Call me later.

Oh, stand up, stand up.

Real slow, real slow. Give a wiggle, eh?

This is the way I want to remember you. Ooh, yeah.

57 minutes, remember.

And the office will be back.

um

I think I lost it.

Wow, this is great.

today.

That should make the front page, huh?

Oh, you keep it up and you might get a byline.

Byline? No, ma 'am, I'm straight.

Bicostal, but I'm straight.

You know, this piece might be a rewrite.

Really? Maybe we should get started then.

After that, Chuck and I collaborated on a number of other projects, and not all

of them were strictly literary ones.

We made a hell of a team by complementing each other's style

The eventual fruit of our labor was enough mouth -watering material to fill

book. And so we did.

It's due to hit the bestseller list by the end of the week.

I don't want to stop.

Keep going.

Don't let me fuck you till I'm sore.

Fifty more minutes.

Thank you.