Original subtitles

Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Josh

Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Josh

Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Josh Johnson. We've got so much to talk about

Johnson. We've got so much to talk about

Johnson. We've got so much to talk about tonight. Your pre-check status can't

tonight. Your pre-check status can't

tonight. Your pre-check status can't save you anymore. ICE agents get their

save you anymore. ICE agents get their

save you anymore. ICE agents get their steps in. And AI tells humanity you in

steps in. And AI tells humanity you in

steps in. And AI tells humanity you in danger, girl.

danger, girl.

danger, girl. >> So, let's get into the headlines.

Let's kick things off with an update in

Let's kick things off with an update in

Let's kick things off with an update in our war with Iran. It started about a

our war with Iran. It started about a

our war with Iran. It started about a month ago, and today, President Trump

month ago, and today, President Trump

month ago, and today, President Trump spoke to the nation with some good news

spoke to the nation with some good news

spoke to the nation with some good news about the war. They did something

about the war. They did something

about the war. They did something yesterday that was amazing actually.

yesterday that was amazing actually.

yesterday that was amazing actually. They gave us a present and the president

They gave us a present and the president

They gave us a present and the president arrived today and it was a very big

arrived today and it was a very big

arrived today and it was a very big present worth a tremendous amount of

present worth a tremendous amount of

present worth a tremendous amount of money and I'm not going to tell you what

money and I'm not going to tell you what

money and I'm not going to tell you what that present is but it was a very

that present is but it was a very

that present is but it was a very significant

significant

significant uh

uh

uh uh prize.

Wait, you got a gift from the people you

Wait, you got a gift from the people you

Wait, you got a gift from the people you are currently at war with. When I was at

are currently at war with. When I was at

are currently at war with. When I was at school and they made us read the

school and they made us read the

school and they made us read the Odyssey, I couldn't believe the Trojans

Odyssey, I couldn't believe the Trojans

Odyssey, I couldn't believe the Trojans failed for that Trojan horse.

failed for that Trojan horse.

failed for that Trojan horse. And now I'm watching it happen in real

And now I'm watching it happen in real

And now I'm watching it happen in real time. The Secret Service is going to be

time. The Secret Service is going to be

time. The Secret Service is going to be like, "Mr. President, please don't bring

like, "Mr. President, please don't bring

like, "Mr. President, please don't bring that to the situation room." But it's

that to the situation room." But it's

that to the situation room." But it's expensive

expensive

expensive and it's ticking. I bet it's a watch.

Meanwhile, the only gift the TSA is

Meanwhile, the only gift the TSA is

Meanwhile, the only gift the TSA is getting is no pay. The partial

getting is no pay. The partial

getting is no pay. The partial government shutdown means they've gone a

government shutdown means they've gone a

government shutdown means they've gone a whole month without a check. But why do

whole month without a check. But why do

whole month without a check. But why do we work if not to do it for free? You

we work if not to do it for free? You

we work if not to do it for free? You know, I'm sure it's not going to make a

know, I'm sure it's not going to make a

know, I'm sure it's not going to make a difference at the airport. Frustration

difference at the airport. Frustration

difference at the airport. Frustration is growing at many of the nation's

is growing at many of the nation's

is growing at many of the nation's airports with hours long security lines

airports with hours long security lines

airports with hours long security lines that haven't let up. Over the weekend,

that haven't let up. Over the weekend,

that haven't let up. Over the weekend, more than 3,400 TSA officers called out

more than 3,400 TSA officers called out

more than 3,400 TSA officers called out nationwide. The most since this partial

nationwide. The most since this partial

nationwide. The most since this partial government shutdown began.

government shutdown began.

government shutdown began. >> I've been here since

>> I've been here since

>> I've been here since 9 last night.

9 last night.

9 last night. >> It's just mass chaos. A damn mess. It's

>> It's just mass chaos. A damn mess. It's

>> It's just mass chaos. A damn mess. It's a mess. It's a mess for real though.

a mess. It's a mess for real though.

a mess. It's a mess for real though. Ain't no water. Not a biscoff cookie.

Ain't no water. Not a biscoff cookie.

Ain't no water. Not a biscoff cookie. Nothing.

>> A Biscoff cookie.

>> A Biscoff cookie.

>> A Biscoff cookie. The cookie they give you on a plane that

The cookie they give you on a plane that

The cookie they give you on a plane that you then throw on the floor and step on.

you then throw on the floor and step on.

you then throw on the floor and step on. I think you've been in line so long

I think you've been in line so long

I think you've been in line so long you're delirious.

you're delirious.

you're delirious. I've been here for hours. If only I

I've been here for hours. If only I

I've been here for hours. If only I could have something dry and crumbly in

could have something dry and crumbly in

could have something dry and crumbly in my mouth. You know, something that

my mouth. You know, something that

my mouth. You know, something that really goes down the throat like

really goes down the throat like

really goes down the throat like sandpaper and tastes like ass.

sandpaper and tastes like ass.

sandpaper and tastes like ass. What could be worse than waiting in line

What could be worse than waiting in line

What could be worse than waiting in line for 4 hours? Our next guest's flight was

for 4 hours? Our next guest's flight was

for 4 hours? Our next guest's flight was at 10:45 p.m. and he did everything

at 10:45 p.m. and he did everything

at 10:45 p.m. and he did everything right. He got to the Atlanta airport at

right. He got to the Atlanta airport at

right. He got to the Atlanta airport at least 4 hours early, but he says he

least 4 hours early, but he says he

least 4 hours early, but he says he didn't get through security until 3:20

didn't get through security until 3:20

didn't get through security until 3:20 the next morning.

the next morning.

the next morning. 9 hours. Someone weighed in TSA for 9

9 hours. Someone weighed in TSA for 9

9 hours. Someone weighed in TSA for 9 hours. You may not have starred in that

hours. You may not have starred in that

hours. You may not have starred in that line as a terrorist, but after 9 hours

This man waited in line for the length

This man waited in line for the length

This man waited in line for the length of a shift. That means he saw the TSA

of a shift. That means he saw the TSA

of a shift. That means he saw the TSA agent clock in from a distance. And

agent clock in from a distance. And

agent clock in from a distance. And right as he got to the front, they

right as he got to the front, they

right as he got to the front, they clocked out in his face.

clocked out in his face.

clocked out in his face. By the time I get that pat down, it

By the time I get that pat down, it

By the time I get that pat down, it better be the best one I've ever had in

better be the best one I've ever had in

better be the best one I've ever had in my life. I'm talking full release. All

my life. I'm talking full release. All

my life. I'm talking full release. All right.

If this is what flying is going to be

If this is what flying is going to be

If this is what flying is going to be like from now on, you may as well go to

like from now on, you may as well go to

like from now on, you may as well go to the airport now just in case you ever

the airport now just in case you ever

the airport now just in case you ever have a flight someday.

have a flight someday.

have a flight someday. But seeing how long the lines have

But seeing how long the lines have

But seeing how long the lines have gotten, Trump decided he had to do

gotten, Trump decided he had to do

gotten, Trump decided he had to do something. Now, the good news is that

something. Now, the good news is that

something. Now, the good news is that Trump sent in people to help TSA. The

Trump sent in people to help TSA. The

Trump sent in people to help TSA. The bad news is those people are ICE

>> and yesterday they were sent to airports

>> and yesterday they were sent to airports

>> and yesterday they were sent to airports to start helping. So, let's see what

to start helping. So, let's see what

to start helping. So, let's see what they've been doing. They appear to just

they've been doing. They appear to just

they've been doing. They appear to just sort of be hanging out, milling around,

sort of be hanging out, milling around,

sort of be hanging out, milling around, visiting with each other, unclear about

visiting with each other, unclear about

visiting with each other, unclear about what their mission is at the airport,

what their mission is at the airport,

what their mission is at the airport, walking around the airport. Some are

walking around the airport. Some are

walking around the airport. Some are standing around in groups talking

standing around in groups talking

standing around in groups talking amongst themselves. Some are walking in

amongst themselves. Some are walking in

amongst themselves. Some are walking in and out of security.

and out of security.

and out of security. >> They are not helping get people through

>> They are not helping get people through

>> They are not helping get people through the line themselves. Uh they've been

the line themselves. Uh they've been

the line themselves. Uh they've been standing next to TSA agents as people

standing next to TSA agents as people

standing next to TSA agents as people get checked in, but they're not doing

get checked in, but they're not doing

get checked in, but they're not doing the work of actually physically checking

the work of actually physically checking

the work of actually physically checking people in.

people in.

people in. >> You're telling me ICE agents are showing

>> You're telling me ICE agents are showing

>> You're telling me ICE agents are showing up to the airport and doing absolutely

up to the airport and doing absolutely

up to the airport and doing absolutely nothing?

nothing?

nothing? Well, then it's my honor to present the

Well, then it's my honor to present the

Well, then it's my honor to present the award for most improved agency.

You're not doing anything. And honestly,

You're not doing anything. And honestly,

You're not doing anything. And honestly, thank God.

thank God.

thank God. >> Keep doing what you're not doing.

Now, maybe this is the best possible

Now, maybe this is the best possible

Now, maybe this is the best possible scenario for ICE. Sending them to the

scenario for ICE. Sending them to the

scenario for ICE. Sending them to the airport can be like an afterchool

airport can be like an afterchool

airport can be like an afterchool program for them. You know, I know

program for them. You know, I know

program for them. You know, I know they're just standing around, but it's

they're just standing around, but it's

they're just standing around, but it's keeping them off the streets.

>> Look, it was always obvious that sending

>> Look, it was always obvious that sending

>> Look, it was always obvious that sending ICE into the airports wasn't going to

ICE into the airports wasn't going to

ICE into the airports wasn't going to help. The problem is that TSA workers

help. The problem is that TSA workers

help. The problem is that TSA workers aren't getting paid, so they're quitting

aren't getting paid, so they're quitting

aren't getting paid, so they're quitting and calling out sick. Having other

and calling out sick. Having other

and calling out sick. Having other random federal agencies still not being

random federal agencies still not being

random federal agencies still not being TSA isn't going to fix that.

TSA isn't going to fix that.

TSA isn't going to fix that. >> We will also bring out, if we don't have

>> We will also bring out, if we don't have

>> We will also bring out, if we don't have enough, we will bring out the National

enough, we will bring out the National

enough, we will bring out the National Guard in, you know, where we need it uh

Guard in, you know, where we need it uh

Guard in, you know, where we need it uh to help out at the airports.

to help out at the airports.

to help out at the airports. >> No, stop sending more agencies. You're

>> No, stop sending more agencies. You're

>> No, stop sending more agencies. You're not going to make the security line

not going to make the security line

not going to make the security line shorter. You're just going to make the

shorter. You're just going to make the

shorter. You're just going to make the Starbucks line longer.

Who are you going to send in next? Space

Who are you going to send in next? Space

Who are you going to send in next? Space Force,

Force,

Force, >> IRS, RFK Jr.

I

I can't scan your suitcase,

I can't scan your suitcase,

I can't scan your suitcase, but you can watch me do push-ups and

but you can watch me do push-ups and

but you can watch me do push-ups and jeans.

Can I smell your neck?

Clearly, clearly Trump isn't helping.

Clearly, clearly Trump isn't helping.

Clearly, clearly Trump isn't helping. But the question is, who is to blame for

But the question is, who is to blame for

But the question is, who is to blame for the shutdown in the first place? Well,

the shutdown in the first place? Well,

the shutdown in the first place? Well, according to a story from Republican

according to a story from Republican

according to a story from Republican Congressman Andy Bar, that definitely

Congressman Andy Bar, that definitely

Congressman Andy Bar, that definitely happened. It's the Democrats.

happened. It's the Democrats.

happened. It's the Democrats. >> I was going through TSA the other day,

>> I was going through TSA the other day,

>> I was going through TSA the other day, Maria, and a patriotic, wonderful TSA

Maria, and a patriotic, wonderful TSA

Maria, and a patriotic, wonderful TSA supervisory officer uh stopped me and

supervisory officer uh stopped me and

supervisory officer uh stopped me and she told me that she had missed her

she told me that she had missed her

she told me that she had missed her second paycheck. And I I said, "I'm I'm

second paycheck. And I I said, "I'm I'm

second paycheck. And I I said, "I'm I'm so sorry. That's so wrong that you

so sorry. That's so wrong that you

so sorry. That's so wrong that you missed your second paycheck." And she

missed your second paycheck." And she

missed your second paycheck." And she said, "Why are you apologizing? You

said, "Why are you apologizing? You

said, "Why are you apologizing? You voted for my paycheck. You voted

voted for my paycheck. You voted

voted for my paycheck. You voted repeatedly. Republicans have voted

repeatedly. Republicans have voted

repeatedly. Republicans have voted repeatedly for a paycheck. It's the

repeatedly for a paycheck. It's the

repeatedly for a paycheck. It's the Democrats who need to apologize to me.

>> And then she said to me, "You're an

>> And then she said to me, "You're an

>> And then she said to me, "You're an American hero, Andy.

Come use the special line we reserve for

Come use the special line we reserve for

Come use the special line we reserve for the most handsome of men."

the most handsome of men."

the most handsome of men." And I did.

And I did.

And I did. And as I was collecting my luggage, she

And as I was collecting my luggage, she

And as I was collecting my luggage, she said, "Andy, I love you, Andy."

said, "Andy, I love you, Andy."

said, "Andy, I love you, Andy." And we started to kiss and she was very

And we started to kiss and she was very

And we started to kiss and she was very attractive. And and we got to know each

attractive. And and we got to know each

attractive. And and we got to know each other. Then she had my baby.

other. Then she had my baby.

other. Then she had my baby. And then she said, "You don't have to

And then she said, "You don't have to

And then she said, "You don't have to take care of this baby, Andy. You're too

take care of this baby, Andy. You're too

take care of this baby, Andy. You're too important. Plus, you have a flight to

important. Plus, you have a flight to

important. Plus, you have a flight to catch.

Go save the country from the Democrats

Go save the country from the Democrats

Go save the country from the Democrats who again are bad and evil and not as

who again are bad and evil and not as

who again are bad and evil and not as hot as you. Andy,

hot as you. Andy,

hot as you. Andy, >> thank you.

>> thank you.

>> thank you. Thank you.

But while Andy Bar's fanfiction about

But while Andy Bar's fanfiction about

But while Andy Bar's fanfiction about this TSA adventure is obviously

this TSA adventure is obviously

this TSA adventure is obviously it's more important to note

it's more important to note

it's more important to note that the underlying point he was making

that the underlying point he was making

that the underlying point he was making is also Because even Senate

is also Because even Senate

is also Because even Senate Republicans admit this whole thing could

Republicans admit this whole thing could

Republicans admit this whole thing could have been over by now if not for one

have been over by now if not for one

have been over by now if not for one man.

man.

man. >> Senator Cruz and I came up with a plan.

>> Senator Cruz and I came up with a plan.

>> Senator Cruz and I came up with a plan. Senator submitted that to President

Senator submitted that to President

Senator submitted that to President Trump uh as is his right. He said, "No,

Trump uh as is his right. He said, "No,

Trump uh as is his right. He said, "No, no deals with the Democrats." We could

no deals with the Democrats." We could

no deals with the Democrats." We could have had TSA paid by the end of the

have had TSA paid by the end of the

have had TSA paid by the end of the week, but uh the president said, "No

week, but uh the president said, "No

week, but uh the president said, "No deal." Donald Trump.

deal." Donald Trump.

deal." Donald Trump. >> Donald Trump said no deal. The dealmaker

>> Donald Trump said no deal. The dealmaker

>> Donald Trump said no deal. The dealmaker himself said no deal. So, wait, wait,

himself said no deal. So, wait, wait,

himself said no deal. So, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You'll take gifts from

wait, wait, wait. You'll take gifts from

wait, wait, wait. You'll take gifts from a country we're at war with,

a country we're at war with,

a country we're at war with, >> but you won't make a deal with the

>> but you won't make a deal with the

>> but you won't make a deal with the Democrats to keep the government

Democrats to keep the government

Democrats to keep the government running. What if they offered you

running. What if they offered you

running. What if they offered you something really expensive?

something really expensive?

something really expensive? Donald, what is it that you want? What's

Donald, what is it that you want? What's

Donald, what is it that you want? What's so important that you'll keep us all

so important that you'll keep us all

so important that you'll keep us all waiting security lines for a fortnight?

waiting security lines for a fortnight?

waiting security lines for a fortnight? >> The most important thing we can have is

>> The most important thing we can have is

>> The most important thing we can have is what's called the Save America Act.

what's called the Save America Act.

what's called the Save America Act. Don't make any deal on anything unless

Don't make any deal on anything unless

Don't make any deal on anything unless you include voter ID and you have to be

you include voter ID and you have to be

you include voter ID and you have to be a citizen to vote. Mail-in voting means

a citizen to vote. Mail-in voting means

a citizen to vote. Mail-in voting means mailin cheating. I call it mail-in

mailin cheating. I call it mail-in

mailin cheating. I call it mail-in cheating.

No, no. That's right. Trump does not

No, no. That's right. Trump does not

No, no. That's right. Trump does not believe in mailin cheating. All right.

believe in mailin cheating. All right.

believe in mailin cheating. All right. If you want to cheat, you do it in

If you want to cheat, you do it in

If you want to cheat, you do it in person. Okay.

But hey, but hey, Trump is standing on

But hey, but hey, Trump is standing on

But hey, but hey, Trump is standing on principle. The man thinks voting by mail

principle. The man thinks voting by mail

principle. The man thinks voting by mail is an existential threat to democracy.

is an existential threat to democracy.

is an existential threat to democracy. Full stop. Period. President Donald

Full stop. Period. President Donald

Full stop. Period. President Donald Trump cast a mail-in ballot in an

Trump cast a mail-in ballot in an

Trump cast a mail-in ballot in an upcoming Florida special election.

upcoming Florida special election.

upcoming Florida special election. Semicolon

aster dollar sign number four

aster dollar sign number four

aster dollar sign number four exclamation point. That's me cursing cuz

exclamation point. That's me cursing cuz

exclamation point. That's me cursing cuz Trump lies all the time. So yes, you're

Trump lies all the time. So yes, you're

Trump lies all the time. So yes, you're going to have to wait in line at TSA

going to have to wait in line at TSA

going to have to wait in line at TSA like it's a sneaker drop because voting.

like it's a sneaker drop because voting.

like it's a sneaker drop because voting. It's the kind of logical connection that

It's the kind of logical connection that

It's the kind of logical connection that makes perfect sense if your brains are

makes perfect sense if your brains are

makes perfect sense if your brains are made of biscoff.

So, I guess it's going to take a while

So, I guess it's going to take a while

So, I guess it's going to take a while before the airport security lines are

before the airport security lines are

before the airport security lines are cleared up. And while it may not seem

cleared up. And while it may not seem

cleared up. And while it may not seem like ICE is helping, they're offering a

like ICE is helping, they're offering a

like ICE is helping, they're offering a new program that can speed things up a

new program that can speed things up a

new program that can speed things up a bit. Here at DHS, we see the long

bit. Here at DHS, we see the long

bit. Here at DHS, we see the long airport lines. And we've sent ICE agents

airport lines. And we've sent ICE agents

airport lines. And we've sent ICE agents to help out. But we're not stopping

to help out. But we're not stopping

to help out. But we're not stopping there. Today, we're introducing Ice

there. Today, we're introducing Ice

there. Today, we're introducing Ice Pre-Check, the program that speeds you

Pre-Check, the program that speeds you

Pre-Check, the program that speeds you through airport security. Ice Style.

through airport security. Ice Style.

through airport security. Ice Style. Just pull up to the curb and a friendly

Just pull up to the curb and a friendly

Just pull up to the curb and a friendly masked agent will drag you by your hair

masked agent will drag you by your hair

masked agent will drag you by your hair directly to your gate. You won't even

directly to your gate. You won't even

directly to your gate. You won't even have to remove your shoes. And if you

have to remove your shoes. And if you

have to remove your shoes. And if you want to keep your laptop in your bag, no

want to keep your laptop in your bag, no

want to keep your laptop in your bag, no problem. Unless we decide it's a

problem. Unless we decide it's a

problem. Unless we decide it's a problem, in which case, take your laptop

problem, in which case, take your laptop

problem, in which case, take your laptop out of your bag. But you can leave your

out of your bag. But you can leave your

out of your bag. But you can leave your belt on.

belt on.

belt on. >> Ice cream saved me so much time. Now I

>> Ice cream saved me so much time. Now I

>> Ice cream saved me so much time. Now I can relax and get ready for my flight to

can relax and get ready for my flight to

can relax and get ready for my flight to South Sudan.

South Sudan.

South Sudan. >> Ice PreCheck makes the airport easy.

>> Ice PreCheck makes the airport easy.

>> Ice PreCheck makes the airport easy. Traveling with kids? Not anymore. The

Traveling with kids? Not anymore. The

Traveling with kids? Not anymore. The application process is simple. There

application process is simple. There

application process is simple. There isn't one. DHS and Palunteer have

isn't one. DHS and Palunteer have

isn't one. DHS and Palunteer have already determined your eligibility

already determined your eligibility

already determined your eligibility based on their vast database of DNA. Our

based on their vast database of DNA. Our

based on their vast database of DNA. Our members are loving ICE PreCheck. Wow,

members are loving ICE PreCheck. Wow,

members are loving ICE PreCheck. Wow, what a timesaver. Ice PreCheck service

what a timesaver. Ice PreCheck service

what a timesaver. Ice PreCheck service so good it's practically unamerican. All

so good it's practically unamerican. All

so good it's practically unamerican. All right.