Original subtitles

[Martin] Get out of here.

Previously on "Best Medicine..."

[Mark] Are you Martin's parents?

I'm his best friend.

[Sarah] Why are you here?

I've decided to sell the house.

-My house? -My house.

It was left to me. I'm the eldest son.

[laughs] I'm going viral.

Is this what you're going to do with your life?

-What? -Be a garbage person?

Really makes you think doesn't it, doc?

What am I dedicating my life to?

I've loved Louisa since I was 12 years old.

-She's perfect. -No. Nobody's perfect.

The only mean thing that she's ever done is break up...

[sighs]

-[Louisa] Maybe we could... -Get together for real date.

-Martin, and now, exhale. -[gasping]

[Mark] Hey, Martin, buddy.

Not sure if you're here yet, but...

Um, I'm going to call you back, buddy.

[Martin] We were both riding the adrenaline of the moment,

but I'm happy to pretend it never happened.

-Good night. -[door slams]

[soft music]

[whining]

You don't think he looks depressed?

I think he looks like a dog.

Whatever he's feeling can be solved by sleeping,

eating, pooping or destroying a pair of my shoes.

[pensive music]

What's got them so interested?

I have no idea.

[indistinct chatter]

-[thermometer beeps] -It looks like you have the flu.

-So, you and Louisa, huh? -I beg your pardon?

I mean, I get why you like her.

She's a ray of sunshine. But you?

-[George] Here you go, babe. -Thank you.

So, you and Doc Martin, huh?

-I did not see that coming. -Like, at all.

Uh, excuse me?

So to manage your flu symptoms,

you need to hydrate and take pain relievers as needed.

You know who needs pain relievers right now?

Sheriff Mark! Whoo-hoo! Come on, up high, baby!

Up high, yes!

I think it's great.

Love can come at any age, you know?

What?

It's the flu, Mr. Collins.

-Any questions? -Who initiated the kiss?

How passionate are we talking?

[Geneva] How did he kiss?

I picture a turtle eating a piece of lettuce. [slurps]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[gasps] Absolutely not.

[Mark coughs]

-What's this? -Ticket.

Your car's parked in the red.

I parked exactly where I always have, since I got here.

I turned a blind eye before, but those days are over.

Mark, it's for $50. Let me just go out and move it.

Sorry. Some mistakes can't be just moved back!

-What? -What?

Mark, since when do you go out giving tickets like this?

Since when do you care nothing about rules and decency?

Okay, I have no idea what's going on right now.

Yeah, I mean, neither. Not after what I saw

in the parking lot at the hospital.

Wait, what?

You saw that?

Yeah.

It might not be a crime, but it doesn't make it right.

You want me to close the door?

You don't have to.

[door slams]

[theme music]

-[liquid pouring] -[door opens]

-What are you doing here? -[door closes]

You don't have to flu like everyone else, do you?

Nope.

But, word around town now is

that you and a certain adorable--

Not you, too. This is a nightmare.

[stammering] Is there privacy anywhere?

In Port Wenn? [whispers] Not really.

-So, what happened? -Nothing.

[intriguing music]

All right, fine.

After a very long day... tending to Peter Cronk together,

the natural bond people feel in a crisis boiled over.

-And you and Louisa kissed. -Mm.

Well, good for you.

You've been carrying a torch for her

since you laid eyes on her.

What did you do wrong?

Nothing, why do you assume that I...

-Come on, what? -Nothing.

-Tell me. -[Martin] No.

Martin.

I may have suggested that we pretended it never happened.

Oh, my God. Why?

Spare us both the trouble. I...

Martin, is that how you really feel about love?

Or were you just trying to blow the whole thing up

to protect yourself so you wouldn't get hurt?

Well, either way, very insensitive.

You're gonna have to apologize for that.

ASAP.

[sighs] I have to go see George and Greg.

Apologize, Martin!

[door slams]

[coughs]

Miss Michaud...

You can call me Savannah.

You have fever, aches, and fatigue.

It sounds like the flu.

Are you sure we shouldn't be

talking about that little patient?

He's running on a very low frequency.

No idea what that means.

Well, your dog is depressed, obviously.

Well, for starters, he's not my dog.

I'm with the patient. Please go now.

-Elaine! Open. -[door opens]

-What? -Get him out of here.

[door closes]

[Elaine] Buddy, come on.

-Come on. Okay. -[thermometer beeping]

[Martin] You have a little fever.

Eh...

Yep, lymph nodes are inflamed.

Okay, just FYI.

Understanding animals is literally my job.

Oh, yeah? And what job is that?

I own a traveling petting zoo.

-And in my expert opinion-- -Oh, expert?

Really? Is there a petting zoo college somewhere?

Mm. It's called nature. I'm sorry.

Do you seriously not see how sad your dog is?

Thank you, random zookeeper person.

But wh-what's coming out of your bag?

[all screaming]

-Oh, my God. -Oh, my God. What?

It's crawling on my legs!

-It's so gross! -What the hell is going on?

That's so vile!

[indistinct shouting]

Got it.

Fleas, just as I suspected.

Fleas? That's it! I'm out of here.

I'm sorry. Fleas are a public health hazard.

And as much as I hate to say this, which is a lot,

until we can prove we're not carrying them out,

-no one can leave. -Oh, my God.

I am torching this place on Yelp.

[tense music]

[bell dings]

The gossip about Mark and I had to finally die down,

and now everybody is talking about me again.

People are awful, so nosy.

-No boundaries at all. -Thank you. Thank you.

-What did happen? -Was it really just a kiss?

I bet Dr. Fussypants is a real tiger under that suit.

Ah!

[door slams]

Well, I hope you're happy.

-[vacuum machine whirring] -[clears throat]

This feels excessive.

No, first install the shower

with dish washing soap was excessive.

Again, dish washing soap kills fleas

as does putting your clothes in the dryer.

-It'll be done soon. -How soon?

Today's the deadline to turn in my audition for Juilliard.

Al is recording it later.

So I really need to move this along.

Audition, huh? What monologue are you doing?

Ah, I'm a thespian myself.

That's right. Yeah, you were so great

as the Mad Scientist in the Blood Factory.

Oh, stop. Stop.

Um, I'm still working on my monologues.

Well, break a leg, as we actors say.

I put the clothes in the dryer 37 minutes ago.

Feel free to check if they're done.

[groans] Answer the phones. Show up on time.

Now I have to vacuum and do laundry.

When did I become Act One Cinderella?

If I were to let her to Juilliard,

do you think you could start tomorrow?

All right.

I can't even have a personal moment with someone

without the whole town blabbing about it.

I know. I'm so sorry about Greg.

He really should have known better.

I'm just going to stay in here and avoid people like that.

Oh, my gosh. These little puddings are like crazy.

-Would you like a spoon? -[Louisa] No, thanks.

I just don't know how everybody knows already.

That is my question.

Well, maybe Martin told someone.

Doesn't seem like the bragging type.

And definitely wasn't something to brag about.

Really? Why? Never mind.

I don't know why I would be interested.

I just don't know how else

everyone knows so fast.

You know?

I guess I should call him.

-Can I have-- -Oh, oh, yeah.

-Yeah, of course. Of course. -Yeah, yeah.

And you sure you don't want me to get you a spoon?

-Okay. -[door closes]

Hello?

[Louisa] Did you tell someone about what happened between us?

Because everybody at the Salty Breeze knows.

Of course not. I would never.

It was Mark. Apparently, he saw us.

Mark... saw us?

-Mm-hmm. -Oh, God.

Oh, God. Uh, this is a disaster.

Mark saw us and everybody's talking?

So much for pretending it never happened, huh?

Yes.

So, about that.

Oh, gosh. It's freezing in here.

I'm sorry. Where are you right now?

Hiding in the walk-in.

So, you know, I'm super happy about how this is working out.

Well, uh, a hippie infested my office with fleas.

Okay.

-Stay warm in there. -Yeah, um...

Good luck with the fleas.

-Uh, Mark... -[line disconnects]

-[indistinct chatter] -[Elaine clears throat]

Everyone, please get on your clothes

and then leave as soon as humanly possible.

Having a strange feeling

I've had this conversation before.

Oh, are you like a psychic?

And Deja can be a sign of...

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God. -Oh, oh...

A seizure.

[clamoring]

Stop!

Everybody stay put.

[tense music]

[Liam] Is he texting?

-Is he texting somebody? -I thought he was a doctor.

-No one can leave. -[Gilbert] Why?

-What's the problem this time? -Don't panic.

But this woman has lesions that look like buboes.

Uh, it's Labubu, boomer.

What the hell's a buboe?

Doc, she has the plague?

[all clamoring]

[intense music]

As soon as possible, thank you.

If I could have everyone's attention.

I can't breathe. The plague is closing my throat.

It's definitely not.

The health authorities are sending

a bio-hazard team for Savannah,

but they're coming from Boston, so it's gonna be a while.

The plague would probably kill

all the old people first, right?

Ghoulish question, but brings me to my next point.

This type of plague doesn't spread

easily from person to person,

but from fleas and infected animals.

And if antibiotics are taken within the first 24 hours,

outcome is very good.

Kind of sounds like if that bio, whatever team

doesn't get here in 24 hours, we're all screwed.

Yeah, screwed, as in dead.

Wait, so you're the only doctor?

There isn't anybody better

who, like, knows how to deal with diseases?

Well, I went to medical school, so I, like, know about diseases.

But, yes, I'm it. But we're fine.

No need to panic.

-[indistinct chatter] -Panicking.

[intriguing music]

Doc, what are you doing?

Looking for clues just to where Savannah

and her flea-ridden purse have been.

[rattling]

-Damn it. -What?

She was at the Salty Breeze,

which means people over there have been exposed,

and I need to get in touch with them.

We don't have to change back into the little gowns, do we?

'Cause if I'm gonna die of the plague...

-You're not. -I'm dying with my pants on.

-Right. -And I've always said that.

[door closes]

Hey, guys, what you want to talk to me about?

-[George] Well... -Wait a minute.

What's going on back here?

[George] Doug claims he found a baby fox

and is nursing it back to health.

I wish he'd take it somewhere else.

It's making Brisket very anxious.

I get that. It's kind of a rabbit-eared devil Chihuahua.

Makes me a little nervous too.

Listen, Sarah, we have a small confession to make.

You cheated poker night. You think I don't know?

[Greg] Oh, but not that.

We are the ones showing your house.

What?

Your brother saw that Greg is a realtor in the area

and asked us to convince you

to accept his offer since we're friends.

Oh, some friends you are.

Did he tell you what the terms of his offer is?

Sell a house out from under me, and I get 20 percent.

Thank you so much, Your Lordship.

We thought at least if it was us,

we'd look after your best interest.

Yes. By kicking me out of my own house.

Listen, I hate to bring it up, but your brother says

you don't have much by way of retirement savings.

Yeah, well, you know how it is, lobstering.

You have a good year and then a bad one.

So maybe you should let us show the house.

There's a couple who wants to see it today.

Fine, fine. Fine.

So... any intel on what happened between Louisa and your nephew?

She's hiding in the walk-in right now, very upset.

You are not getting the hot goss.

You two are off the hot goss list.

-Why me? -No, no, no!

-You can't do that. -...stay on.

[phone ringing]

-[phone beeps] -Hello.

Aunt Sarah, listen, there could

be a crisis at the Salty Breeze.

Oh, you bet there is.

Louisa is hiding in the walk-in refrigerator.

When are you gonna apologized to her?

Never mind that.

A patient here, a woman named Savannah...

She was recently at the Salty Breeze

and she's exhibiting plague-like symptoms.

The plague? Like, bring out your dead?

That plague?

Get that volume all the way down. It's fine.

Bubonic, yes, the very one.

Wait.

What's that behind you?

Oh.

Doug's got a baby fox, don't ask.

-Hold the phone closer to it. -Sure.

Greg, stay here, please.

[suspenseful music]

[Martin] Look at those ears.

That's a North African Fennec fox.

Doug, where did you get one of those?

Funny story.

[all] Whoa.

[Sarah] Oh. Oh.

Wow. What's wrong with him?

For starters, his face is in a bowl of oatmeal.

Now, pull him out and make sure he's breathing.

-Okay. -Whoa.

[Martin] Hold the phone closer.

-Let me see his neck. -Oh, good Lord.

What are those?

Do you promise to remain calm?

Wait.

Is this is the plague?

[all clamoring]

I didn't even want to eat here today.

-Uh, excuse me. -[Martin] Everyone listen up.

-[Sarah] What do we do? -A bio-hazard team is coming.

Until you have all been tested and the plague has been

ruled out, no one should leave the Salty Breeze. Understood?

But we can still take walk-ins, right?

-[phone beeps] -[grunts]

[all cheering]

[Mark] You get a sandwich!

-You get a sandwich! -Mark! What are you doing here?

Bringing people something to eat

because I knew you wouldn't think about

that because you don't think about people

or their feelings.

[indistinct murmuring]

Mark! Mark, we haven't had a chance to fumigate

since you left, just some vacuuming.

So, congratulations.

You've now potentially exposed yourself

to plague-carrying fleas.

It's probably fine.

Well, now you can't leave until you've

been cleared by the health authorities.

-Good. -[box thuds]

[intriguing music]

Mark, would you like to talk?

No.

Yes. I would like to talk.

Is there anything you'd like to say to me

that actually makes sense?

Nope. I got nothing to say to you, man.

Okay, fine. And you can go back out.

[door closes]

Okay, I actually do have a couple questions.

Well, this should be fun.

How long has it been going on between you and Louisa?

Have you been dating all this time

and just laughing at me behind my back?

Are you two going to get married and have

little doctors, schoolteacher babies?

Are you hoping that I die

so you guys can just dance on my grave?

Mark! Mark, I assure you,

Louisa and I were not and are not together.

So, if we're done here, I have a plague outbreak to deal with.

Yeah, but you didn't say that you won't be together, okay?

'Cause I can just see through that little game of yours,

you are not gonna seek the future

past Sheriff Mark Mylow!

The plague?

I go into the walk-in for an hour

and come out to the literal plague?

Yeah, makes you think, doesn't it?

About our mortality.

[Greg] It makes me think about getting our affairs in order,

updating our wills, double-checking the DNR.

-Boring. -Right.

Who wants a shot? On the house.

-Now we're talking! -Oh, sure.

First sign of a crisis, and everyone drinks for free.

Well, if we're going to die, let's die at a party.

This is my kind of plague.

Free booze with my special lady.

Ooh, that's what I'm talking about.

Let's toast to living life to the fullest.

[George] To no regrets?

-To do not resuscitate. -Oh, stop!

The plague?

Are you serious?

It's a possibility, but we caught it early

and we're treating it with antibiotics.

-So you should be okay. -Wow.

You know, I had my cards read recently,

and the reader said that something bad

or not so bad could or could not happen.

And now look at this. It's crazy, right?

You better not be interrogating someone,

'cause I'm the one who does the interrogating.

Who are you?

We'll asks the questions here!

Go ahead. Ask your questions.

Doug over at the Salty Breeze

has been exhibiting similar symptoms.

Have you had any recent interactions with him?

Doug? Doug?

Dougie. Dougie. Doug. Doug. Doug.

Mm, no. That name does not ring a bell.

I don't believe you.

I don't believe anyone anymore.

You know, stop trusting and you start rusting.

Think about it.

-Have you been abroad lately? -You know what?

Actually, I did go to Morocco recently

for a yoga retreat. Namaste.

Mm-mm. And that's where you got the Fennec fox?

What's a Fennec fox?

And anyway, it's probably just like

a regular fox, but with bigger ears.

You just said you didn't know what a Fennec fox was.

So how would you know that Fennec fox has that big ears

if you don't know what a Fennec fox is?

Don't you lie to me, Savannah!

Okay. Thank you for your help, Mark.

-I'll take it from here. -Okay.

Hey, I think I rattled her cage pretty good.

She's going to crack soon. All right?

Hey. But I'm still mad at you.

Okay, thank you.

-I'm still mad at him. -Okay, I got it.

Thanks, Mark. I got it.

-Wow! -[door closes]

There's some roiling tension between you two.

What's go on on there?

Just admit you smuggled the Fennec fox

and sold it to Doug, so I don't have to bring back

the emotionally unstable sheriff. Okay?

Fine! But if you think you can make a living,

charging five-year-olds to ride ponies, think again.

I don't think that.

I don't know why anyone would think that.

-But the fox you trafficked-- -Fox?

Mm-mm. I call it exotic animal re-homing.

Whatever. It likely has plague-carrying fleas

that multiplied and migrated to the other animals in your zoo

and then spread to you and now to Doug.

Look, I'm not a monster, okay?

I'm just trying to find loving homes for these animals.

They carry stress in their bodies just like we do.

You really feel like you're holding

onto a lot of stress, too, my dude.

The only way to let go of stress is to open up.

Well, I wouldn't open up too much

unless you have a lawyer present.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to let the town know

about the mess you've made.

Elaine, we need to make a PSA.

-A what? -A public ser...

A video telling the community what's going on.

Okay, we'll post it to your social media.

Oh, now you like my social media.

Elaine, please.

[clears throat]

-[upbeat music on stereo] -[man 1] There you go!

I regret never making time to visit my sister in Florida.

Uh, you called your sister, and I quote,

"A joyless iguana with a Chardonnay problem."

[laughter]

I also regret trusting George

to keep our conversations private.

What about you, Louisa?

But is there anything or anyone

you'd be sad to miss out on?

Really, really? [giggles]

With everything that's going on, this is what you're focused on?

Our school is closing.

Which is a-a huge blow to Port Wenn.

Not to mention my career.

I mean, I have no idea what's happening in my life next.

Oh, oh, we might all have a disease

that killed half of Medieval Europe.

So, you know, sure,

we can just discuss my weird kiss with the town doctor.

When you say "weird..."

-Yeah, how's that... -[George] We want clarity.

[grunts]

Port Wenn is a fishbowl,

and I'm tired of being a goldfish.

-Are we recording? -[Elaine] Yes.

Why are you looking at the... Okay.

Ready? A go.

Hello.

Doctor Martin Best.

Here in Port Wenn where we appear to be

having, having an outbreak of bubonic plague.

Now, there's no cause for panic,

but if you're experiencing

flu-like symptoms, along with painful swelling in your neck,

armpits or groin area

or unusual lesions or sores, please come see me

or another health care provider immediately.

Just 'cause I'm stuck at the doctor's office,

don't get any ideas about committing any crimes.

Please share this post widely,

Elaniacs, who could save a life.

Was that a collab or a cry for help?

Elainiacs? She's worse than the plague.

-Let those three die. -Yeah, question.

Shouldn't we consider other disease vectors like dirt?

-I hate the internet. -[knocking on door]

[Al] Elaine!

Hey, no, don't!

-Stay there. -The plague?

-Are you okay? -Yeah.

I don't know. This is weird, but I'm fine.

I, um... I, I brought you lunch.

-Thank you. -[Al] Uh-huh.

Mark brought us sandwiches, too.

I'll take it. His were very dry.

Hey, listen.

So I speed read this acting book,

and it said to track the emotional beats

of a monologue. So I got your monologue.

I started tracking the emotional beats of it.

Actually, I-I don't think I'm gonna get to it...

What? You have to.

I-I looked, and there's no extension.

We'll have to do it today.

Al, l-look around. I'm in a crisis.

I was thinking we can, we can shoot through the window.

Al! Seriously, just let it go.

-Okay? -No.

Look, this is all you talk about

when you go to school in New York City.

Okay? Let me help.

I don't want your help. Okay?

If you like the idea of school

in New York so much, you can go.

[man coughing]

-Fine. Bye. -Bye.

Leave the lunch!

Are you guys fighting?

[upbeat music on stereo]

Thank you.

-Cheers. -[glasses clinking]

For a woman in a plague house,

you're looking awfully pleased with yourself.

I'm feeling very pleased with my life.

Plus, you're stuck here with me, so you can't show my house.

[chuckles]

No such luck.

We have someone showing it for us.

-Who? -Old man Collins.

-Damn it all. -Mm. Doug!

Mm. You good?

Whoa.

I was really out of it.

Doug, I've got something really important

to tell you and it might be scary.

I'm not going to be a dad, am I?

What? Oh, I don't know.

-You might have the plague. -The bubonic plague?

-Mm-hmm. -How did I get that?

Doc said it must be some animals

owned by some woman named Savannah.

Oh, no. Savannah's got the plague.

-Where is she? -Doc Martin's office, why?

She needs me.

-[Greg] Doug, stop! -Excuse me!

You're not supposed to leave.

Hi, Je... Jeb?

[Jeb] Hello?

Jeb, it's Sarah.

[Jeb] Well, I can't talk now.

I'm showing a house for Ken.

-You mean Greg? -Yeah, Greg.

Listen, could you do me a favor?

Where is she? Where's Savannah?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow your road, Chief.

Doug, what are you doing?

You shouldn't be running around town

with a plague-infested creature.

Don't you call my Savannah that!

I'm talking about... Wait.

Your Savannah?

Have you and Savannah been intimate?

That's a clinical way to put it.

That's, Doc, clinical, no heart.

-Clock it, Markie. -Period.

Well, go on.

I met her on a website

for enthusiasts of unusual pets,

but I only took a few encrypted texts

for me to realize that she's my soulmate.

That's what you said about my wife!

Oh, hey, Gil. Good to see you, man.

So the answer is yes. You two have been intimate.

Come with me.

[intriguing music]

Savannah, my love.

Let's not go crazy. [chuckles]

Are most of your painful lesions in your groin area?

Oh, yeah, do you want to see?

No, no, no. Nope.

-I take your word for it. -[Savannah] Right.

Now, you might actually have

a sexually transmitted infection called LGV,

which has similar symptoms to the plague.

Must have been that guy from Bonnaroo.

Luckily, it too can be treated with a course of antibiotics.

Sorry, Doug.

Come on.

Doug, your last girlfriend gave you breasts.

This one gave you a disease similar to the plague.

As your physician, I feel compelled

to say make better dating choices.

I gotta say the vibe

at the Salty Breeze was way better.

Elaine, we need to make another post.

-On it. -[clears throat]

[clears throat] Hello, everyone.

This is Port Wenn Public Safety Officer Elaine.

It's not your title.

With an important update.

Hi, everyone. Doctor Best here.

So, the situation is evolving.

And we're still waiting for the bio-hazard team

to arrive to confirm.

But at the moment, my assessment is,

we are not having a plague outbreak in Port Wenn.

Thank you.

But still don't commit any crimes.

Doc, have you ever thought about being a hair model?

'Cause the camera actually loves your hair.

-What? Really? -Loves it.

Hey, if it's not the plague, what do you think it is?

Uh, I can't say. Confidentiality.

There can't be that many diseases

that have plague-like symptoms.

Yikes. That looks uncomfortable.

[upbeat music on stereo]

[laughter]

So, good news.

Martin just posted another video saying that

it looks like there's no plague outbreak after all.

So, all we have to do is just hang out here

for a little bit longer.

Get tested just to be sure.

That's great.

You seems less than thrilled.

I...

I just feel disappointed about

where my life is right now. So...

Well, this may be controversial given the day that we've had.

But when I'm feeling well,

do you know what makes me feel better?

Besides, umbrellas and drinks.

Okay, then I give up.

Watching animal videos.

-Huh? -Mm-hmm.

Not what I was expecting.

Hey, hey, hey, otters holding paws

while they float on their backs,

pudgy marmots doing goofy marmot things

in Alpine meadows.

My favorite is this wolf den in Acadia.

I defy you not to be transported.

-This is a twist. -Should we watch once?

I mean, after that, how could we not?

You know I got it queued up already.

I'm serious.

-Okay. -Okay, here we go.

[gasps]

[screeching]

[laughs]

[George] Okay, that is Wolf Blitzer.

We love him. And this one...

-Oh... -[sniffles]

No. Is-is this a bad choice?

No, no, no. It's perfect.

Okay. Okay, well...

Let's watch this the right way.

[Louisa chuckles]

Okay, so I said, that's Wolf Blitzer.

-Wolf Blitzer. -We don't like that one.

Okay. But we love Wolf Blitzer.

We love Wolf Blitzer.

[laughter]

[intriguing music]

Sorry to intrude, but I'm sensing some inner tension.

Whoa, you really are psychic.

People do say that.

But really, we're all just animals who think

we're better at hiding our own stress than we actually are.

I've barely worked on my audition.

I don't know. I'm, like, too scared, I guess.

Fear of failure? I get that.

I hated taking tests in school.

Why do you think I turned to a life of crime?

Yes, crazy animal lady!

So hot.

Actually, I'm more afraid of success.

I mean, what if I crush this audition?

And Juilliard is like, "Holy crap!

We have literally never seen anyone act so good."

Then you move to New York City and you follow your dreams.

Barf, so basic.

Do you mind?

Then I would have to leave Al behind.

Is Al your boyfriend?

You know, we have this idea that life has to be either or.

We can only have one good thing.

But what if the universe is like,

"No, you can have all the good things?"

So I could have Al and Juilliard?

Yeah, or in my case, beat this crazy STD

and the federal wildlife animal charges that I'm facing.

Yeah, no fingers crossed for the both of us.

-[door closes] -I saw your video.

Hey, no offense, buddy,

but you're not looking too good right now.

Um, doc?

Glendon. You shouldn't be here.

Oh, I'm growing nipples on my neck.

Okay, maybe you should.

Have you had intimate contact with this woman?

Doug or both?

Are you suggesting I had some kind of

woo-woo three-way with those weirdos?

Hell no!

Rules out the STD.

I get it.

Have you visited the petting zoo, maybe?

I mean, uh, I don't think so.

This isn't a hard question.

I might have taken my son.

Isn't Glendon Jr., like, 17?

Fine. I went alone. Okay?

I like petting the goats. Soothing.

Exposure.

Buboes.

We might be looking at a plague outbreak after all.

-I concur. -[Mark] Um, hey, Doc.

Bad news. Bio-hazard team got in a fender bender

and said they're gonna be delayed by a couple of hours.

-What? -Okay.

Didn't you say the longer it takes those guys

to get there, the more dangerous it gets?

Great. Now it's text my mom back until I'm going to die.

-Thanks a lot. -Nobody is going to die.

Hey, we just need to stay calm

and in control of the situation.

Is that clear?

Um, has anyone seen the fox?

-What? -My mom was right.

I lacked the emotional maturity to own a pet.

-You need to find that fox. -[whistles]

[Martin] You're gonna be fine.

But if you need to pet a baby goat--

Oh, shut up.

Doc, we got more incoming.

I'm not feeling so hot. I'm like, "Is this the plague?"

My daughter's like, "Go find out, dummy."

[coughs]

I just feel like ass.

You know, like a general all over assiness.

Mark, text your mom at the pharmacy.

Tell her we need more antibiotics, rapid flu testing,

any IV bags she may have on hand.

Have a leave them out front, then go run down and get them.

-Got it? -On it, no problem.

Elaine, we need to update the public.

Ahem. Excuse me, Dr. Best here.

A small update on the previous update,

but not you. Yes.

To reiterate, please disregard my previous post.

We are having an outbreak of plague here in Port Wenn.

[Elaine] Also, Al,

if you're watching, I am sorry that I was so crabby.

That was not about you.

I do want to go for it and I really need your help.

Okay. Bye.

First we're gonna die, and we're not gonna die.

Now we're back to dying.

Make up your mind already.

-Will you, doc? -Boo, that guy sucks.

We're all symptom free for now, so I think we should just...

What?

-Stay calm. -I'm calm.

I'm calm.

[doorbell ringtone ringing]

[Louisa] What is...

It's Greg's real estate phone.

Hi, Greg Garrison Realty. This is Greg speaking.

How may I help you find the home of your dreams?

I see.

-Well, that is... -[slurping]

Okay.

-Well, thank you very much. -Who was that?

The buyer is looking at Sarah's house.

Jeb Collins told him the house was full of fleas with plague.

I wonder why he would do that.

Beats me.

Oh, fine. I paid him off to bad mouth it.

Excuse me, if I'm going to die of the plague,

I want to do it in my own house.

Nobody's pushing me out.

Well, except possibly death.

Right. Point taken.

You know what I think we could all use right now?

-A wolf-den video. -A wolf-den video

-Ooh! -[George] Yes.

-Fire it up. -[George] Yes.

-Okay. -Did you get the antibiotics?

Yeah, I got you. Sorry, y'all.

All right.

Okay, everybody, listen up.

We're having a lot of people come

in right now not feeling well.

Now, most of you probably just have the flu,

but some of you might have the plague.

So here's what we're going to do.

Who here is having fever, aches, and fatigue?

Okay. Now you're going to take rapid flu tests

out here in the waiting room.

Now, who has swollen lymph nodes under your chin,

possibly in your armpit or groin?

Okay. If you have any of those,

you're going to come into the exam room

we're going to give you antibiotics right away.

Now, you are not contagious, and we will take care of you.

I'm just here for night-time gas.

Noted. Let's go.

[door closing]

Al, what are you doing here? Do you have plague symptoms?

I don't care about the plague.

-Famous last words. -Came back.

Thank you. I'm so sorry.

Honestly, I was just afraid of my own awesomeness.

I forgive you. But we have to move fast.

We only have a couple hours until the deadline. All right?

-Did you memorized your speech? -Yeah, I'm off book.

Sick. I have no idea what that means.

Okay. Who wants to be in a movie?

Or a-a very low budget audition video?

I might be available.

You're not thinking of doing this in here, are you?

[soft music]

Why not?

I'll go deal with the plague

while you put on your little show.

[Elaine] Hi, I'm Elaine Denton,

and I will be performing Olga's monologue

from Anton Chekov's "Three Sisters,"

which is a play that I have read.

Ahem.

It almost seems as if a minute more.

And we'll know why we live.

And why we suffer.

If only we knew.

If only we knew.

What difference does it make?

What difference does it make?

[soft music]

If only we knew.

-[phone beeps] -And cut.

[applause]

Elaine, you're so good.

Should I take my line again?

No.

I think we got it.

-[laughs] -[all] Ooh!

Oh, my God.

Look, he's so cute.

Oh, my kittens.

[chuckles]

[Sarah] Oh, look at that one. [chuckles]

Oh.

The mother child bonded. So primal, so deep.

I mean, why would a lady wolf ever not want

to have that experience?

Guy wolves come and go, but the bond

here with wolf baby, that's, that's forever.

I mean, not having a wolf cub.

I mean, she'd probably regret that

for the rest of her wolf life.

[soft music]

What?

Are you wanting a wolf cub?

What? No.

I... Why would you?

I mean, maybe.

Okay. I don't know.

I'm gonna say something to you,

and if I'm overstepping, tell me to buzz off.

Okay.

If you ever decide to have a baby on your own,

I will be there for you.

Cooking, babysitting, whatever you need.

We'll all be there for you.

Of course. All of us.

Oh, always, honey.

Even when we're nosy and annoying,

we are friends.

You guys!

[intriguing music]

That took you a while.

Everyone in this room needs to be tested

along with a few people down the street.

Understood. We've already got team members over there.

We'll get a testing station set up ASAP.

Come in back.

First, I want you to check on my patients with lesions.

Some of the ones out here might have the plague.

Some of them might just have the flu.

But everyone out here needs rapid tests for plague.

[Sarah] Okay, folks.

I'm headed home soon as they clear me.

Ooh, I gotta go sleep it off.

Same. My nerves are shot.

You could settle them by helping me prep for tomorrow.

Sweetie, after the day I've had,

I'm in bath-and-a-nap territory.

Am I crazy to say today was fun?

-Yes. -Fun. First, we're dying.

Then we're not dying, then we're dying.

Now we're not dying.

-[screams] -[knife thuds]

[dramatic music]

-Another drink, anybody? -Drink's on the house.

Let me call animal control real quick.

Oh, hey, thanks, doc.

You know, despite being trapped

in the paradigm of Western medicine,

I would have been in real trouble

if I hadn't come to you.

I think you are in real trouble.

Your fox did give six of our townspeople the plague.

Yeah, well...

If I may, I think your dog is sad,

because he doesn't know where he stands with you.

He's like, "Am I his dog? Or am I not?"

He's not.

Mm. I don't believe you.

And neither does your dog.

You know, you should admit that you

actually care about whoever it is that you care about.

-At least to yourself. -Uh-huh.

You should pursue a therapy degree while you're in jail.

Maybe I will. [chuckles]

Anyway, thanks, Doc.

Hey, do you know any lawyers?

[soft music]

Bye, sheriff.

Bye, Savann.

[door closes]

It's always like that, huh?

You're not even gonna apologize.

Look, Mark, I understand you're upset,

but I don't know what I actually did--

-Am I your friend? -Excuse me?

Do you consider me your friend?

Yes.

Okay.

Well, when you're friends with someone

and you start having feelings for their ex,

you gotta give 'em a heads up, doc.

It was just something that happened.

I know. I know. Like, a one-time-

heat-of-the-moment type thing.

It meant nothing.

[chuckles]

What?

You kissed Louisa and you think it meant nothing?

You're not just lying to me, buddy.

You're lying to yourself.

I'll see you later, okay?

[slow music]

[instrumental music]

-Thanks for meeting me. -[Louisa] Sure.

I mean, what a day.

[laughs]

In fact, it gave me a lot to think about.

About what?

Um...

Just...

Oh.

Um...

What are the odds of an exotic animal,

not even from the continent, showing up in a small town,

and causing an outbreak of plague?

-Wait, wait, what? -Low.

-Oh. -Very low, vanishingly low.

And there are lots of things about life

that I might not understand as well as I thought.

I-I don't know why I sometimes say obnoxious things.

-Martin, you don't... -Please, I...

You know, another surprising thing about life is that...

sometimes other things

with incredibly low odds can also happen.

[soft music]

Nice things.

Things between two people.

Martin, please. I...

-I've been thinking, too. -Hmm.

And...

I think this town is too small for us to date.

Even if it were a good idea,

which I don't think that it is.

-Oh. -You're a great guy.

Oh. You-you don't need to explain anything.

No, I just, um, and we have this crazy push and pull,

which is exciting and also frustrating.

And, uh, I just don't think I have a bunch of time

for a drama right now, because...

I want to have a baby. [chuckles]

Oh, God, not with you. Not with... I...

Not what I was saying, just, uh, just, uh, a baby.

Hmm. Hmm.

I wish you luck with that.

I do.

-Have a good night. -Okay.

♪ When nobody knows

♪ What kind of fool I was before ♪

♪ Setting out on my own

♪ Bringing nothing along

♪ Just turn off the lights before I go ♪

♪ When nobody knows

♪ Nobody knows

Okay, Copernicus.

Let's go for a walk.

♪ The way that I always lay you down ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody knows

Come on.

[door closes]

♪ I know I've been alive to hold it ♪

♪ I'll learn that lesson on the go ♪

♪ But one door opens

♪ Another's gotta close

♪ I'll go as far as I can see

♪ To make some better memories ♪

♪ To get to where you go you gotta leave ♪