Original subtitles

[hip-hop music playing]

d Inside d

-[grunts] -[hip-hop music stops]

[train rumbling past]

-Paki. -[grunts]

[upbeat music playing]

[people chattering indistinctly]

[chatter continues]

Zero-two-zero?

Oh, child... Okay, good, thank you.

I hear that, I really do.

It's just really not a good day to meet because Eid.

So I've gotta stick with family.

Okay. Well, you could've stuck with the family yesterday,

but now you gotta deal with the shitstorm you created.

Is it really that bad?

A lot of people seemed to like the whole action man routine.

I reckon it'll help them visualise me as Bond.

Okay. Well, there is a lot of chatter.

Some people think you're a tough guy, other people think you're insane.

-This could cost you the role. -Oh, fuck!

[Shah scoffs]

[in Urdu] Shaju. We've been waiting outside so long, what's--

[in English] Mummy, have you met Felicia?

-Mrs Latif! -Oh, is this your agent?

[Felicia chuckles]

[both laugh]

Remember I said wait in the car and I'm gonna get the sweets?

[speaking Urdu] It's fine, don't worry

[in English] You're taking long. Give me the ticket, cuz. Felicia.

Zulfikar. What's going on?

Same as you, just babysitting Bond. Sorry.

-That horny aunty's waiting for you. -You're a disgrace.

Felicia, you're going to get him the job. Yes?

-If it kills me. -[both laugh]

My Shaju's perfect for the job. I'll tell you why.

-Okay. -When he was a little boy, he used to say,

"Mumma, I want a license to kill."

-Remember, Shaju? -Oh, how specific.

-I don't remember that. -Ah.

Oh, look. He's got the mithai. I'll just be a minute, okay?

-Bye-bye, Felicia. Okay. [chuckles] -Bye, Mrs Latif.

[speaking Urdu] You never told me your agent was a Black lady.

[chuckles]

-[in English] Sorry. -[Felicia] Mm.

-You are a Black lady. -I know.

-What the fuck is this? -You tell me.

[tense music playing]

[person breathing heavily]

-[music stops] -Ya know, I can't get into this right now.

Okay, listen. None of this... None of this matters, okay?

No one reads the fucking news.

However, this is a big problem.

The person you assaulted?

You broke his arm, and now he wants an apology.

Sid said he was going for the giant Buddha's head,

but now he's coming for you, with 200,000 followers and counting.

Young and brown, your core fan base.

Assaulted?

This man ran at me with a metal object, Felicia.

It was a can of spray paint, Shah.

Yeah. In hindsight.

[Felicia] I mean, the worst he could've done was tag you.

Okay, fine, just give him his apology.

-Okay, good. -All right. So how you gonna do it?

Oh, no, you have to apologise.

On a video, by end of day, or he's pressing charges.

Listen. It's Eid, so I gotta stick with the family.

My mum usually hosts,

but I fucked that up this time, that's on me.

So I can't be dealing with this. I have to be with the fam today.

I have to make it right.

This is about your career, Shah.

Your credibility in your community

for the people that you say you're doing all of this for.

-Has he got more followers than me? -Shah!

-[mobile phone beeps] -Shah Latif, here.

Eid Mubarak to everyone celebrating.

I want to address the incident at the King's Museum last night.

You might've heard about it or seen it.

Well, I lived it.

And I want you to know that in that moment, I wasn't thinking at all.

I was acting out of sheer instinct.

Community is the most important thing in the world to me

and I would never take it for granted.

And there's nothing more painful to me

than to know that I might've hurt a member of my own community.

And to know that I might've betrayed your trust in some way hurts me deeply.

-You good, yeah? -Yeah, I'm good. You?

[people chattering indistinctly]

Yeah.

So you've come to visit us lowly villagers?

[speaking Urdu] I'm nothing without your prayers.

[in English] Oxford-educated. But no sense.

Why did you attack that young man?

Don't listen to him. Come, let's take a selfie.

[Shah] And I want you to know that I'm going to do

everything in my power to make up for it and to make it right.

-Should've worn black. -Hm?

It would go better with the Animal Bitch's gold palace.

Mm?

Eid is my day.

It belongs to all Muslims, Mummy.

It's mine and she took it.

You know one thing she doesn't have?

What?

Her son.

Salim. The little golden boy.

[Tahira] Mr Dubai Bigshot.

Always trying to compete with you. [speaking Hindi]

[in English] Probably getting a Russian prostitute pregnant this second.

Don't talk filthy.

[speaking Urdu] Tell me more...

[chuckles, in English] She doesn't have her main attraction.

You and me can be the stars of the show.

If we just... [clicks tongue] Come on.

You worried about what naughty Naila thinks?

-[speaking Urdu] Naked Naila! -Naked Naila!

[in English] Oh, my God.

[in Urdu] Naked Naila!

[in English] And she always shows skin 'cause she got no style.

Look, where is she?

She's probably too busy checking herself out in the mirror

-to come host at her own party. -[Naila] Eid Mubarak!

So happy you could come!

[chattering indistinctly]

[gasps] Eid Mubarak!

[smooches]

[Tahira groans]

Samina!

-[Samina] Eid Mubarak! -Eid Mubarak!

So happy you could come.

We decided to co-host this year. [chuckles]

[speaking Urdu] This time you've really done wonders, Tahira!

You know how Naila is...

She can't handle it on her own.

All these decorations are from Shah's penthouse.

[both chuckle]

[in English] Qur'an says charity's a blessing.

[speaking Urdu] The food is in the garden. Please eat!

-Eid Mubarak. -[Samina] Eid Mubarak.

-Eid Mubarak. -Eid Mubarak.

[in English] What the fuck?

-Don't leave my side. -Okay.

Don't leave my side. [chuckles nervously]

-Eid Mubarak. -Thank you for coming.

[man 1] Hello, ladies. Eid Mubarak.

-[man 2] Eid Mubarak. -Ah.

[speaking Urdu] Brother Parvez, sit.

-[in English] In Saeed's seat? -[man 2] Uh-huh.

Now he has passed, you're the eldest.

No, thank you. I am fine standing.

-Baba, got you your favourite. -Oh!

[Shah] Don't tell Mummy, yeah?

Is that how you're going to kill as Bond? By raising the blood sugar?

[men laughing]

Yeah, I'll mention that to the writers.

[speaking Urdu] I'd make a better Bond!

[men laughing]

[in English] Maybe. Yeah, maybe.

-Why don't you do a Pakistani film? -Something with Mahira Khan in it.

[speaking Urdu] No. No. This fanny speaks Urdu like a white boy.

-[men laughing] -[mobile phone chimes]

[people chattering indistinctly]

[chuckling]

[Felicia] Shah! Good first try, good first try.

But I'm gonna need you to do another apology video.

First, you forgot to say the words, "I'm sorry,"

which is kind of key to the whole thing.

He's buff, nah?

-Q says he's gone mental. -Yeah, it's fucking hot.

All right, sorry, can you man focus, please?

This is the latest.

Fuck. This guy likes you!

Hmm...

[Felicia] Also, the whole Aladdin outfit and the Bollywood sweet shop.

You said "community", like, ten times.

It feels like you're begging it.

Maybe down the brown?

I don't get it. What is the problem?

-Man likes you! -Oh, shut up, man! I'm 22, mate.

I'm not really trying to get wifed up.

[Felicia] Get it to me sooner rather than later.

This is not going away.

-[mobile phone beeps] -Hi, everyone. Shah Latif, here.

Now, last night at the King's Museum, a brother and I came into conflict.

Now, I should not have reacted the way that I did.

And the brother in question perhaps should not have run at me

with a metal object, the way that he did.

"Muba is a community-led--"

It's not fucking community-led.

[Shah] The fact is, we're all in this together.

And in the future, I promise to use my platform

not to lash out, but to reach out.

[mobile phone keyboard tapping]

-Bro? -[whispering] "Muba is for--"

You want some chai or something?

-No. "Muba--" -Bro, we good?

I'm good. Are you good?

-Yeah, I'm good, bro. Are we good? -I'm good. Are you good?

-Yeah, I'm good. -Oh, good then.

-[Zulfi] "Muba not Uber--" -What you doing?

Trying to focus, man, and you are distracting me.

-All right. -Yes.

You know, they've got them little ladoos over there

with the pink and green balls. You want 'em?

Big man, please. I don't want ladoos right now, okay?

I just wanna concentrate.

Aren't you supposed to be holding Ammi's hand?

[Shah] Oh, yeah. Shit. In a bit, yeah?

Don't bring me no ladoos. "Muba for the..."

[chattering indistinctly]

[Shah] Hey.

-Assalamu-Alaikum. -Assalamu-Alaikum.

-You okay? -Where have you been?

I've just been checking on Baba and Zulfi.

Bastard, you promised you're not going to leave me!

So, if I just die standing here all alone--

Please. Please don't do this now.

-You left me. -And I'm sorry.

-[Naila gasps] Salim! -I'll make it up to you--

[speaking Urdu] My Salim is coming!

[suspenseful Bollywood music playing]

[Naila speaking Urdu] Salim! My child!

Salim!

[groans]

[Naila] Salim!

[suspenseful music continues]

Ah.

[male singer vocalizing]

-[music stops] -Ah, beta!

[crowd exclaiming]

[in English] Look, Mr Dubai.

-I can't believe you're here. -Look at him. The dancing monkey.

Doing his mother's dirty bidding. Making Russian prostitutes pregnant.

-Look! -No, he's not, Mummy.

That was a joke that I just made.

[Zulfi] Come on, my guy! Eid Mubarak!

Oh, look at that fresh prey. Zulfi.

Weakest of us all.

-You good? -Yeah, I'm good, man.

Don't leave, Shaju. She's coming. Don't leave.

Shah beta, can I borrow your mummy for a minute?

I need my co-host in the kitchen.

-Okay, we were just gonna-- -Okay, okay.

-No, no, let's go, let's go, let's go... -Yeah? All right.

[speaking Urdu] I need your help with dessert.

[in English] Our KPI is the most interesting thing about this. Okay?

It's the retention of the customer base after that discount period, you know?

It's off the charts.

People want more community-driven rideshare options.

[Shah] Yes, Salim! Yes!

-[Salim] What you saying, bro? -[Shah] Yes!

-You good? -Look at this guy.

-You good? -Yeah! Come join us.

-Yeah. I was gonna do that anyway. -[Zulfi] We're busy.

Here, I got you some ladoos, bro.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

Sorry, I never got you none but...

-How you been? -I've been good, bro.

Yeah? You been, breaking shit.

What do you mean by that?

-Glass ceilings. -Thank you.

-Trying, man. -Glass ceilings.

-And that guy's arm. -[grunting]

It's just a fracture.

Hey, just to bring us back to what we were talking about before you got here.

-Yeah. -Um, you know,

our number of drivers are growing by the day.

We'll be in all key five boroughs by June, so.

Muba! Sick idea, innit? I've been there from day one. I remember.

Bro, I'm so proud of this guy. So proud--

And you know what's amazing, he's always been an entrepreneur.

If anything, you just went from selling grams to Instagram.

Just out of interest, what's...

What's your credit situation with the criminal record and everything?

No... No problems whatsoever. No issues.

And just for clarity, erm, I didn't go inside for selling maal--

It's just a bit of violent disorder.

-It was self-defence. -It was my fault in a way.

He's a ride-or-die and he was there for me.

Any credit issues, though?

No credit issues, because I'm going all in with everything that I've got.

Right? So if you need any credit, you need financing just talk to me.

Sorry, I was under the impression we were coming in seed round

rather than sort of series A.

You see this conversation here.

This is in fact the closest he's been to the business.

-[laughs] Right! -Okay.

And in fact, I'll be honest with you. It's too close.

Okay. Well, give me back my dildos then.

[hesitates]

Er, you know, for me, personally,

the most important quality about Muba

is in fact the quality of the relationships.

We're not just there for them when we want.

Because that's bullshit. That's fake. [scoffs]

-Get the fuck off me, bro. -I don't know him.

And anyway, I've always had a passion for customer service.

-That's my thing. -That's one thing I picked up in Dubai.

That's what we do best. Hospitality. That's our culture.

One might say, the Muslim way of doing business.

I love the idea.

Gonna present it to the guys, see what they say--

What, you taking this... You trying to get investment from Dubai?

-Yeah, okay. Yeah. -[mobile phone chimes]

-You been? -No.

No, I'm just saying, you know, Dubai works for people with, you know...

Well, like... With the...

But, I mean, what the fuck's this guy gonna do in Dubai, man?

Ain't gonna let you in. You don't wanna go there, man.

I'm all in, yeah? Remember that.

It was disrespectful, he referred to your quiff like that.

There was no need. It looks good.

[Felicia, on mobile] Shah! Got your second apology.

Yeah, that's not gonna work.

First of all, what was up with that background?

If you post that, you'll have to issue a second apology

for being a rich arsehole. Also, you forgot to say sorry again.

[speaking Urdu] First class preparation, Naila.

Mm-hmm.

Been learning from you for years.

[in English] Next year, Eid is back at yours, na?

Oh, absolutely, yes.

Very kind of you to step in this year, Naila.

[speaking Urdu] Tahira, don't get offended...

Is everything okay at home?

-Yes. Why? -Oh, nothing.

Just because today... I was looking at Shah and I felt...

[in English] I worry for him. For all of you.

It's so much pressure.

That's very kind of you to worry, Naila.

-But I'm-- -I see a bit of your sister in him.

Does Shahjehan have someone he can talk to?

He has me.

Ruqaya had you too, but she needed more help, na?

[speaking Urdu] Look at Ainy, poor girl...

[in English] She doesn't know anything--

Naila, please.

It's all good.

My son is going to be the next James Bond.

-We all couldn't be more proud. -Mmm.

[speaking Urdu] Times have changed, Tahira...

[in English] It's okay to talk about these struggles now. Really.

Thank you. It's all good.

It's first class.

[paper rustles]

[scoffs]

[typing]

[tense music playing]

-[mobile phone beeps] -[music stops]

[reporter on TV speaking Hindi]

-[man, in English] Is this true, Parvez? -Hmm...

-[man] Well, all that time in Hollywood... -[mobile phone chimes, buzzes]

[Felicia, on mobile] Shah, we need that apology.

We're running out of time. I've literally written it out for you.

Just find a quiet, neutral room, record it and send it back now!

Before it's too fucking late! Okay?

[upbeat music playing]

Fuck's sake.

[music stops]

[music continues]

[music stops]

-Am I interrupting something? -[Salim sighs]

[clicks tongue] Yeah.

[chuckles] A conversation.

Can you fucking close the door, please?

-Thank you. -[door closes]

Is this, like... Are you two, um--

-I like her. -We've been texting.

-Texting? Wow. -So, wait, how long's this been going on?

-Three months. -Six months. Three months?

Okay, so this is nothing?

Can we please not do this in front of Shah?

-I'm chill. I'm not gonna tell anyone-- -Why'd I come here?

-Can we not do this in front of Shah? -I came here for you.

But I never asked you to, did I?

-But I asked me to-- -But I never-- Calm down.

I never fucking asked you to.

And this whole thing you're doing here, this is what I'm talking about.

-This is the whole problem. -So you didn't come here to see Zulfi

-for the thing? -No. Yes.

Does he know, by the way?

-Oh, for fuck's sake! -[Shah] No, I'm not--

Well, yeah, he's gonna find out now, isn't he?

I'm not gonna say anything. I've got your back. I've got your back.

[Salim] Look, we don't have to tell anyone.

But let's just be real about what this is because this is something, right?

-Me and you both know it-- -What does that even mean, bro? [scoffs]

You live a million miles away, okay? You have a whole life.

You have fucking house keys, car key... So many keys!

Okay? I have one key.

I can give you keys.

I don't want your keys, okay? I want mine.

Yo, can I just step in here for a minute?

Offer maybe a different perspective from my own more mature experience, yeah?

I want an honest answer from both of you, okay?

-All right? -[Q] All right.

Now, let's say... Let's say you've been texting.

There's some emotional ambiguity about where you both stand.

-All right? Yeah? You can relate, right? -[Salim] Mmm.

You send her a message, a heartfelt one. Instead of it going green, it goes grey.

What does that mean to you?

-It means you're blocked. -Blocked.

-Fuck off. Really? -[Q] Yeah.

-Let me just show you this. -Okay, I'm gonna ask you to leave now.

-Can I show you this quickly? -[Q] No, no, no. Oi.

-[door creaks open] -Don't say anything to anyone.

[whispers] I'm chill.

Salim, yeah.

He's not fuckin' chill.

[people calling to prayer in distance]

Er, with Saeed gone, who will lead the prayer?

-Pasha? -[Pasha] Okay.

Oh, he recites beautifully, but I think, er, I should lead.

-How will you? Seated? -[Parvez] I won't be seated.

-Parvez Bhai, think about it. -So true.

[man] Let someone else lead.

Listen, you asswipes. I can run circles around you idiots.

I will lead.

[Yasmin] "By so desperately pursuing the role of Bond,

an icon of the white establishment,

Shah Latif is exchanging his political art for vanilla distraction."

"And so he joins a long line of Brown men

who think that, by becoming our oppressor, he's somehow liberating all of us.

"And he puts a filter on his IMDb pic to look more white."

[sighs]

[softly] Come on.

[chanting Takbir]

[chanting fades]

[sighs]

-[mobile phone beeps] -Hey! Shah Latif, here.

I was involved in an incident last night at the King's Museum

that was both unfortunate and avoidable, and I'm deeply sorry.

[angrily mimicking]

Fucking pathetic!

[chanting prayers]

-[mobile phone beeps] -Shah Latif, here.

Last night at the King's Museum, I...

fucked up a guy running at me with a metal object,

and apparently, I'm the one who has to apologise!

[prayer continues]

-[mobile phone beeps] -Hi! Shah Latif here.

Literally nothing to apologise for. Trying to save my career and my life.

So fuck you and your little TikTok, you little cu--

[murmuring prayers]

[prayer continues]

[low, suspenseful music playing]

[prayers continue in distance]

[suspenseful music builds up]

[line ringing]

[music intensifies, then stops]

-[ringing stops] -[Sid] Hello?

Yeah, hi. Is this Sid?

Er, yeah. Hi?

Hi. This is Shah Latif.

-Is it? What, actually? -Yeah, it is, actually.

Can-- Bro, I just wanna say...

I am so, so sorry for what happened yesterday.

No excuses. I was bang out of order.

I just don't know what came over me.

I really hope you can find it in... in... in your heart

-to please forgive me. -Yo.

I appreciate this, man. Like, I really do.

I was gonna call my lawyers, erm, but then, the fact you called, man.

Oh, bro, it's been... It's been eatin' me up the whole day!

I can't tell you how much this means, man. Legit.

[Shah sighs, chuckles slightly] Well--

Do you mind just sending me what you just said?

Like, in a recording?

-Sorry? -I need the engagement, bro.

Right. I mean, I--

-I guess so. -[Sid] Nice, man. Appreciate it.

All right. Oh, and thanks for the follow, mate.

Just remember, keep the vid under 90 for the algorithm, yeah?

Mmm-hmm. I will do.

All right. Safe. Safe.

-[grunts] -[mobile phone thuds]

[scoffs]

[muffled screaming in distance]

-[woman] Parvez. -[man] Parvez.

[all murmuring in concern]

-Whoa, whoa, whoa... Baba? -[Zulfi] Excuse me, please?

-Baba? You all right? -Yeah.

-[Shah] What happened? -He fell. Move!

What? Why wasn't he praying on a chair already?

-[Zulfi] Shush. -[Shah] Wanna sit down?

-Yeah. [groans] -[Zulfi] Come.

-Easy. -[Zulfi] Baba, how's your breathing? Okay?

-[sighs] -[Shah] You okay? Huh?

-Why didn't you sit him down? -Now you wanna be involved?

What the fuck's that supposed to mean? I'm doing something inside--

Yeah, for yourself. Don't come at me.

You always fucking wanna be the hero and you're never around.

[speaking Urdu] Be quiet, Zulfi. Quiet, kid.

-[in English] All right, calm down. Huh? -[Tahira] Zulfi.

[speaking Urdu] Baba? You okay?

-[in English] Is anyone getting any water? -[Q] Yeah--

Uncle, do you wanna get a blanket or something?

[chuckles]

-What? Are you good, bro? -[Zulfi chuckling]

Bro, are you good?

-What's going on? -Are you dumb?

He's a fucking diabetic and you're giving him boxes of sweets.

[speaking Urdu] Well done, son!

[in English] Shall I just fuck off again, yeah?

You're better when I'm not around, that's what you're saying?

No, no, what? He's not my dad, he's your dad.

-[Tahira] Shaju. Shaju. -What?

-You think you're a fucking bad man, yeah? -How?

Fucking, "Yeah, my people this, my--"

How the fuck you gonna help your people

if you're too busy sucking white people's dicks?

-[woman] Zulfi! -[crowd exclaims]

It's okay. He's just crying about last night, bro.

"You came here to take care of me?" You came for a free fucking meal, bro.

I saw you giving out your business cards like some sweaty little minicab driver.

-Allow it, bro. Come on. -He's a leech...

Tell the truth. You been leeching off me my whole life!

Only now, you're trying to leech off this dickhead!

Bro, he doesn't care about your shitty ideas.

He's trying to chirps your little sister.

-What? -Only chirpsing.

-I love her! -All right! What the fuck, man?

Are you fucking... Are you mad?

Listen, don't listen to him. He's lost the fucking plot.

He's been chatting to a pig's head in the freezer.

-What? What freezer? -In the garage, he's been talking to it.

-Are you talking to a pig's head? -What if I have?

-[Tahira] What? -What if I have?

Better listener than any of you lot.

That's what happens when you're related to you guys!

I'm not the first family member to lose my mind.

-Oi! Enough! -Shaju!

[crowd murmuring]

[speaking Urdu]

[speaking Hindi] Get out! Ask everyone's forgiveness.

[in English] Why are you saying... [speaking Hindi ] Get out ...to me?

-Shaju. -[in English] No, no! I'm asking,

why is he saying that to me? Baba, what did I do? What did I do?

I'm trying to fucking make a difference. I'm not just sat there,

fucking complaining about everything, while you lot all judge me!

Huh? Why you fucking touching me?

-Don't touch me! -[shushing]

I'm trying to change the world! All right?

So everyone doesn't look at you

and think you're some fucking worthless, stinking, bitter, Paki!

[crowd gasps loudly]

Get the fuck out of here before I spark you--

Oh, I'm the problem, am I? She blames you for what happened to your mum, bro.

-[yells] Shaju! -[crowd gasps]

[all quiet down]

[sighs deeply]

["Saqia Aur Pila" by Sabri Brothers playing]

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