Original subtitles

[Patrick Stewart] Shah Latif!

Welcome to Sir Chatrick Stewart,

with me, Sir Patrick Stewart.

It's an honour to be here.

[Patrick] The honour is all mine!

I've hosted many fine actors

-on my little podcast. -Mmm-hmm.

[Patrick] But few who've had such an eventful 24 hours!

Well, it's been a wild ride already, that's for sure.

[Patrick] Now, I know a Bond or two,

-Daniel Craig's a dear friend. -Oh.

[Patrick] Big shoes to fill.

Do you think you're up to the job?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Now more than ever, I'm ready to show the world

that I've got what it takes.

Shah? Nigel Murray. How are you? Thank God.

-Yeah, good, yeah. -Good.

Um, Felicia tells me you do security for all the top wankers.

Yeah. That's right, yeah.

And always happy to take on a few up-and-coming wankers, as well.

-Right? -Yeah.

Do you do personal? Because I might have, er, an event tonight.

Yeah, no. We do the full service.

-Even got a food taster if you need one. -Oh.

Tell you what, let's have a look in the house and we can, er,

-talk about that afterwards. Yeah. -Yes.

-So, er, house has two points of entry. -Right.

Hostile object entered the front bay window.

Those and the doors may need reinforcing,

and I was thinking maybe some, er,

visual deterrence along the perimeter if you have the bodies.

There's, er, 60 friendlies expected tomorrow.

Wow. You really know your stuff.

Well, I played the, um, translator in Homeland,

-season seven. Yeah. -Yes.

Yes. Yes, you did.

They got a lot of shit wrong on that show. Come on.

Okay. All right.

So your, er, your guests are for Eid al-Fitr, I presume, yeah?

-Yeah. Okay. -Yeah.

Yeah, just wanna make sure everyone feels safe.

-Yeah, course. Sure. -[man] Fuck!

-My thumb! -[man speaking indistinctly]

Erm, might make more sense for you to start off upstairs.

I know it's harder to defend a position at higher altitude, isn't it?

Yeah, okay. Well, I'll take my shoes off

-and go upstairs then. -Yeah.

[Patrick] Do you agree, you can't really act this role?

Part of you has to be it.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Yeah. You know,

luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds.

Whether in the public eye or on the home front,

as it were.

-Yep, he just got here. -Yo, Mandarin Oriental.

-Sorted it. -Thank you for sorting it out, Felicia.

I'll speak to you later about the gala, all right. Bye.

-What are you showing me right now? -It's a hotel.

Okay, they do free stays for celebs, like Michelle Yeoh. Digga D.

Fucking North West's nanny.

And?

Bro, your followers are blowing up. Okay? It's a five-star safe house.

All of us. One week. It's free.

Obviously, minus my costs, but... Yeah?

Look, we're not going to a hotel.

I'm dealing with it. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.

-You don't need to be afraid. -I'm not afraid.

What you talking about, man?

[hammering]

[chattering indistinctly]

Bro?

Bro, the fuck's all this?

What does it look like? Security, cuz.

I told you that I had security sorted, so...

Chill your pum-pum out. Learn from the mandem.

-It's not fucking movie, yeah. -Oh, is it?

Do I even wanna ask where you got these from?

All this?

Allah provides, bro.

-Does he? -Yes.

Does he provide discount-rate mujahideen, as well?

I know these guys, bro. They're too thick to make it into ISIS.

Which ISIS? ISIS-K, ISIS-L, OG ISIS?

They got different standards.

I've heard.

They don't need PhDs, do they?

They're hard as fuck and they're committed!

-Proclaim the greatness of Allah. -Allah is the Greatest.

I'm not trying to start a Madrasah, yeah?

I... I... I'm just trying to bring in some real actual protection.

If you can just listen to me for once.

If I want your fucking protection, I'll ask for your extra small condoms.

[man laughs]

-You like that one, innit? -Oh, yeah.

Tiny lullies, yeah. Stop pressing me, cuz!

-And go and chat to Abba. -We have to discuss this.

-[in Urdu] Breaking my balls every day. -[all laugh]

[Shah] Baba.

What are you doing?

Any fucking vagabond could just walk in.

That's because you've taken off the back door.

That's why I've hired a professional--

-I professional! -I'm not doubting that, I'm just...

If... If you let me do it, then it'll be better for everyone.

-Sean Connery to the rescue, is it? -[Piotr laughs]

-How... How do you understand that? -[Naila] Shah! Shah beta!

Shaju beta, be a dear and help me take these to the car.

-[exclaims] -[in Urdu] Quickly let's go.

[in English] Sixty people is a lot for Eid.

Your mummy needs my help.

[Tahira] Hey!

[in Urdu] Son of an owl!

-[in English] What you doing? -What... I...

-Chill, Mummy. -Bastard, you chill!

Twenty fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.

Already bringing her cunty-smelling kebabs.

Wh... I like her kebabs.

[in Urdu] Tahira, you're here?

[chuckles] Naila!

Wow! Two days in a row!

[in English] Eid's a joint effort, na? Just doing my part.

But, Naila, you have done already so much.

Shaju, take the pots inside. Why you giving Naila Aunty more work?

It's nothing, Tahira.

[in Urdu] I was telling Shaju...

[in English] I could be doing so much more. [sighs]

[in Urdu] After last night, sadly...

[in English] it's no longer safe here, no?

Why not move Eid to my house?

-Who's not safe? -[alarm blaring]

Okay! Everybody stop! Can you stop please, Baba?

Baba, can you just come here, please? Could you stop the work, everyone.

Right. Let's have a little chat

-about Eid and the plan-- -[Zulfi] Oi! Is this your plan, yeah?

-[Shah] What? -Huh? Outsourcing our protection

to this Freemason-nonce?

-I'm not a nonce. -Shoulda gone to the hotel.

Nigel's here to help secure the... the house.

[in Urdu] Look at the house, Tahira! Nothing's ready...

[in English] House won't be ready. Food won't be ready,

-I'm-- -Naila! Naila, please. Shaju--

Sorry, guys. The Prophet, Peace Be Upon Him.

-[all] Peace be upon him. -Exactly, exactly.

He said it best when he said, er, trust in Allah,

but tie up your camel.

My guy. He knows his stuff.

-You gotta hand it to him. -[Nigel] I just wanna say

that holy days like this are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors.

So perhaps you should think about moving your Eid celebrations

to a different location.

[in Urdu] Sister-fucker, be quiet!

[in English] One layover in Dubai, thinks he knows our business.

-Who is he? -No, I've got tremendous respect

for Islamic culture.

Especially after six tours of Afghanistan, so...

[Parvez in Urdu] The war criminal is right.

The hero has put our lives in danger.

-[in English] I... I-- -[Parvez] Naila,

[in Urdu] we'll do Eid at yours tomorrow.

Parvez. Parvez--

If something happens, will you be responsible?

See you tomorrow.

[in English] Mummy... Don't... I didn't...

Mummy!

[sighs]

Lovely to meet the family. Colourful lot,

-aren't they? They really... -Mmm.

...get after it. And your, er, your brother,

-he seems nice. -Well, he's not my brother.

He's my cousin. But he was raised with us.

-[Nigel] Okay. -It's complicated.

All right, well look. This is for you.

There's your quote.

Although, I would be willing to postpone payment,

you know, in consideration of your future work.

'Cause, if my internet searches are correct,

then you will be needing our services a lot more in the future.

Oh, well let's, erm... Let's see what happens.

Erm, this is really reasonable. Could you just leave it with me?

-I'm getting a few different quotes in. -That's fine. Okay.

Oh, so did you want me to, er, provide a personal for tonight?

I can send one of my best guys,

-it's fine-- -Bro, what you doin'?

-You asked me to do security, na? -For tonight. I did.

-Him? -Yeah, so I won't be needing--

Thank you for coming by.

-Yeah, no. Ab... Absolute pleasure. -Yeah.

Well... Oh, by the way, those stolen dash cams,

the, er, battery life is...

so bring a charger. All right!

-You can have that for free. -[chuckles]

-[Zulfi] Cheers, Nigel. -[Shah] Mmm-hmm.

Why are you wasting your money on these rent-a-feds, bro?

I've had your back since day.

[sighs]

[Zulfi] I heard you're going to this gala tonight.

On your own, or?

I've got a plus-one.

Is it?

You got any shoes that aren't trainers?

Can arrange it.

Go on. Get ready, you fucker.

[spy music playing]

[protestors clamouring]

[man] Please, please.

Let go of me.

[Zulfi] Oi, that is a proper goat fuck out there.

It's a good job I came to babysit you.

All right bro, you might be taking care of the muscle,

but I'm winning over the hearts and minds, yeah?

What? When you're in the middle of a culture war

that's the real battleground.

Big man, how you gonna fucking battle them with your horny meerkat face?

-What? -You know the face that you do.

When you're on the red carpet,

it looks like you're trying to shag that camera,

but you're worried the camera's gonna shag you back.

No, I'm not. Don't put that in my head right now.

You're gonna put me off.

Okay. For confirmation, cuz.

-What is that? -Yeah.

[Shah] What, man! I look good there!

You look like you're making a pervy version of fucking Planet Earth.

All right, let me just see something.

Raj Thakker.

-Motherfucker! Is this-- -All right, all right!

Don't jizz on my leather seats. You can't afford the cleaning fee.

Listen, let's just go there and smash it, all right?

Brother, we are already fucking "smashing it", okay?

We are arriving in a Muba prime experience.

Look at this, halal Haribo's,

custom specifically branded Zam Zam water.

You're a little mini dildo on the dashboard. Cuz, look at me.

We are arriving like this is Fast And Furious,

but without the foreskins,

-you understand? -Come on, bro!

-Come on, let's get it cuz, yeah. -Come on.

-Yeah, you ready? Okay. -Yes, bro.

[in Urdu] With upright dicks!

[both] Boing!

-[in English] Yeah! -Come on. Don't do that on the red carpet.

I can't guarantee it.

[spy music continues]

[Patrick] There's a lot of excitement,

but also some displeasure at the idea of a Gujarati playing Bond.

Proving those voices wrong has been my life's mission.

[Patrick] How so?

Well, it's why I want the role.

It's why I'm here speaking to you.

[Patrick] Is that why you wanted to make a speech

-at the King's Museum Gala? -Exactly.

To show people that this is what a hero can look like.

To show them that this, too,

is what British looks like.

[car doors close]

-[people chattering indistinctly] -[protestors clamouring]

[Zulfi] Hey, yo, listen! I support the team.

I support the team, but when you're finished tonight,

please get home with Muba. Okay, that's for you.

Sorry, there's no, er, service in your area.

-I'm Turkish. -You're Turkish?

Then there's service in your area. Thank you. Excuse me, sister,

-fifty percent discount on the first trip. -[man] Yo!

-Shah! -[Zulfi] There you go.

MC RickShah! Mate!

-Can I get a pic? -You want a pic?

I get you an X-ray, cuz. Hey yo, cuz!

Cuz? Come and get a picture with your one and only fan! Come on!

Oi, bro! You ignoring me?

Bro, we gotta go, man!

Why are you goin' in there?

Man's sold out.

You should be out here with us!

[Zulfi] Hey yo, yo, yo.

He just wanted a photo with you. What's the problem?

Bro, if I get a photo taken with them lot. It's not...

It's not the right image I'm going for right now, all right?

The real change happens in there. We gotta get in there.

[woman protesting]

[Zulfi] Listen, I know you think you're His Majesty's Secret Service

or summat, yeah? But don't go full coconut pussy-hole on me tonight.

Oh, yeah? Then don't go intifada fuck-boy on me, then.

You want their respect, my guy, keep it real, yeah.

Okay. Why don't you respect this? Watch and learn.

-You're doing it again. -I'm not doing the face--

-You're doing the face again-- -Oh, go on, you do the face, then.

All right! Let me show you.

Mmm.

-Nah. You know what that is? -Hmm?

You look like a paedophile gerbil, bro.

There's cameras. Why would you say paedophile

-in front of the cameras? Why-- -Because they don't have sound.

-It's photos-- Hi! -[Allison] Mr Latif?

-So happy you could make it! -Really... So glad to be here. Thank you.

This is my associate...

[in Urdu] Crocodile Dick.

[in English] Em, can I ask, erm,

who I might speak to about my speech this evening?

Oh. We don't have you down as doing a speech--

Oh, I... I think it's cos I'm a last...

A last-minute addition.

-So-- -Well, Vivian Newhouse, I suppose?

-Yeah. -She's our new director.

-Okay. -[clears throat]

Oh, I... I'm guessing I have a plus-one?

Er...

Mr Zulfikar Ali.

CEO of Muba Enterprises.

I just think there should be like an official record

that I'm here tonight, so. Thank you.

[clears throat]

Cuz, where the fuck have you brought us, man?

This looks like the...

[in Urdu] Antichrist's ballsack.

[Patrick in English] You're from humble beginnings like me.

So, how's your family dealing with all this?

[Shah] Same way we deal with everything.

As a team. Together.

I'm proud to say that we've all got each other's backs.

-Bro, this is mad. Eh? -Yeah, I told you, bro.

I got stuff cooking.

-Peace be upon you. -Peace be upon you.

Sorry?

Erm... All right.

We gotta find this Vivian, yeah?

-Yeah. -No point in me being here

-if I can't get on stage. -There she is.

Museum Director, yeah?

My guy.

-What the fuck are you, bro? -Yeah.

-Some eagle, bro. Look at this. -Come on.

-All right, listen, er-- -Yeah?

-I'm gonna go work on her-- -Hey yo, yo.

-Shall we tag team her? -What?

Not like that.

I mean... I mean, like, convince her together, like,

Good Paki-Bad Paki?

What... What would that be like?

Like... Like good cop, bad cop.

-But Pakis. -Okay.

You... I got this one covered, yeah?

-Are you sure, yeah? -Yeah, yeah, yeah. In a bit.

All right, I'll be here.

Singh, let me tell you about this.

[Vivian] "...if you send me any more mummies,

I'll begin to think you have an Oedipal complex."

[all laughing]

-He didn't get it. -Oh, Vivian, you're incorrigible!

-[Vivian laughs] -[men laugh]

Um, Vivian? Shah Latif.

Ah, yes! Of course, Mr Latif.

Erm, I wonder if I could borrow you for a moment?

Oh, absolutely.

Although, anything borrowed has to be given back now, apparently.

[men laugh]

What can I do for you, Mr Latif?

I was actually wondering what I might be able to do for you.

There's nobody like Muslims

that can get you to where you need to be on time--

Brother, we're on time for prayers five times a day.

If you call me-- [mimics phone ringing]

"Zulfi, can you get me to where I need to go?", I'll get you there.

This museum means a great deal to me

and I saw you had a number of protestors outside.

Yes, and it thrills me to see young people engaging

in a conversation about our shared heritage and culture.

-Mmm. -In fact we invite this kind of dialogue.

Is it a dialogue, though, if you don't have an ambassador of sorts

to help bridge the divide between those on the inside

and those out there?

-What's your name? -Ali Reza.

-Ali Reza. I'm feeling, er, Iran? -Yes.

-Yeah, bit of Farsi? -Yeah, yeah.

My guy, come on.

-Listen, we could be in that region. -Yeah.

I, for one, would be honoured

to get up there and say a few words about... May I?

About how, erm, global Britain truly is.

Both in its artefacts and its people.

You know, I'm an eighth Indian?

I did not. Wow.

And what about yourself? Where you from?

-[woman] London. -You're from London?

You sound...

Wait, originally from London?

But I understand your latest acquisition

-is, is from a Muslim country, so-- -[Vivian] Yes.

But treasures like the one we're unveiling tonight

don't just belong to Islam.

They belong to us all.

So I can go up and say a few words? I'll... I'll be very brief.

No, Mr Latif.

That's simply not how we do things around here.

This isn't a pop-up Banksy exhibit.

Besides, we already have our dear friend, Raj Thakker, giving a speech.

-Enjoy your evening. -Okay.

[Vivian] And so I said to him, Your Majesty...

-[men laughing] -[Vivian laughs]

[dramatic music playing]

[Patrick] And now, to the more uncomfortable part of our chat.

You didn't think this was going to be all softballs, did you?

-[Shah scoffs] -[Patrick] Raj Thakker, your rival?

I wouldn't call him that.

[Patrick] Come on, come on. You can be honest.

I can't be in the same room as Ian Magneto-McKellen.

Oh, sorry.

Sir Ian Magneto-McKellen.

I just think that there's plenty of room for all of us at the top.

-[Patrick] Oh, please! -You know.

[Patrick] A day ago, you were the only brown bloke up for the job.

And now, there are two.

And word on the web is,

he'd make a better Bond.

Yeah, well, I don't really pay attention to what people say about me.

-It's just not in my nature. -[Patrick] You should, old chap!

He's a bigger name with a bigger fan base.

And I dare say, he's thought of as a better actor.

That's subjective.

[Patrick] Cut the camel shit, Latif!

You couldn't even convince that museum director to let you speak.

How do you expect to convince the world that you can be Bond?

You don't stand a chance in a whore's pyjamas,

do you, you pussy hole?

Least I got an audition, you posh cunt!

[Pigtrick] No use being angry with me.

-You only have yourself to blame. -I'm trying.

Try harder. Do you understand?

-Here he is. -[chuckles] Hey...

-Hey. -Shah Latif!

-Man, I haven't seen you in a minute, bro! -How's it going?

Yeah, when was the last time I saw you?

-Um... -Mango Tree premiere?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. -Thank you for coming.

-Man, you were so good in that. -Thank you.

Did you guys see that? Under The Mango Tree?

-I know. -So it's about this magical mango tree,

this white woman eats a mango,

she travels back in time to colonial India.

Falls in love with this Indian guy

and they have this relationship over space and time.

It's about how, love's timeless

and crosses all sorts of boundaries.

-Mmm. -I don't know why it didn't connect more.

Actually, can I borrow you for a--

-Yeah, yeah. -Just for a... Yeah.

Thanks a lot.

Erm, you look incredible by the way.

And very, very smart.

Getting photographed in a tux and holding that drink, it's, er--

Just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural institutions.

Erm, just,

the Bond thing's got people going mental, hasn't it?

Yeah, people are passionate, man.

-Yeah. -It's just, erm, the... The hate, though.

The hate is... It's... It's a lot right?

I know you're probably...

You're probably getting a lot of that, too.

Not really.

Nothing to cry about.

You just gotta stay grateful.

People are busting their asses at dead-end jobs,

just to put food on the table.

-We're livin' the dream. Yeah? -Yeah. We are.

A bit of hate's a small price to pay.

Yeah, it is. It's just some psycho

sent a pig's head to my mum's house, so.

You serious?

-Yeah. -Fuckin' hell.

-That's actually why I'm here. -Mmm-hmm.

Erm, I wanna show them

that no amount of hate is gonna make me hide.

And, and actually, if this museum

can house treasures from all around the world,

then this country has to take in people from all around the world.

-Am I right? Yeah? And... -Yeah, preach, bruv.

I just wanna make a statement. Show them that this, this too,

is what British looks like.

I love the passion, man.

I'm so glad you said that because I heard

-that you're speaking later... -Yeah.

...and I was thinking maybe we could tag team it.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

-Yeah? -You've got something important to say.

-I wanna be a part of that. -Yeah!

I tell you what, why don't I go up first

and then I'll bring you up?

-I would love that. Thank you, my brother. -Great. Yeah. Yeah.

-I love that, man. -Course.

-I really appreciate it. -Yeah, yeah.

-[Zulfi] There you are. -Hey.

I know you!

-This is my security guy. -The Muba guy.

Yeah, I overheard you chatting about it earlier.

-I love the concept. -Well, thank you, brother.

-Yeah, yeah. -Are... Are you Muslim?

-Aren't we all, a little? -[Shah] Yeah.

Have you got a card? I'll spread the word.

Nice.

Yeah, okay.

-I gotta go. That's my mum. -You brought your mum?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wouldn't be here without her,

so shouldn't be here without her, you know. Zulfikar.

-That's me. -Nice to meet you. Good to see you, man.

Yeah, you too.

Man.

He's either the sweetest twat I've ever met, or the thickest twat.

You're a thick twat.

-Why? -"Security guy?"

That's all I am to you, innit?

You literally told me to bring you here as security.

Why you getting cranky? Oh, you haven't broken fast, huh?

-No, I haven't. Of course I'm hungry, man. -Then eat a canape--

-They're not halal! -Champagne, gentlemen?

Just have a little canape, bro.

Just have a little something to eat.

Nothing here is halal.

None of the little things, the big things, none of it.

-Have some halloumi. -Halloumi?

-Halloumi is not Israeli. -That's what they want you to think.

-It's an Arabic cheese. -Prove it to me.

-Google it. -You know I don't use Google.

[Vivian] Thank you.

Too kind.

Good evening.

In 2001,

we watched in horror

as Taliban fanatics laid waste

to a once great nation's cultural heritage.

We wept as monuments to peace...

were turned to rubble.

But tonight, we right this wrong.

After a nine-year,

L15 million restoration project,

it is my honour to present to you tonight,

the restored...

Buddha of Bamiyan!

[all applauding]

And now, an extra special treat.

It is with great enthusiasm

that I invite tonight's guest speaker to the stage.

The most gentlemanly vampire hunter I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.

Raj Thakker.

[all applauding]

Whoo!

It's an honour to be here, I mean...

Wow.

This museum is home to artefacts from around the globe.

And so it should follow that England, too,

is home to people from those same places.

Now, tonight is a celebration,

but I would like to speak with you all about my experiences as an Englishman,

and as a person of colour.

Recently, racist hate...

took the form...

of a severed pig's head

-delivered to my family doorstep. -[gasps]

[grunts softly]

-It was horrific. -[scoffs]

There was blood everywhere.

My mother was left traumatized. Mummy, I'm sorry.

But no amount of hate will make me hide.

Those driven by prejudice...

they need to see us in these spaces.

[all applauding]

And because this, too,

is what British looks like!

Mmm.

Thank you.

Thank you.

-Excuse me, Mr Latif. -Mmm?

We have a situation.

A man claiming to be your brother has been harassing and, er,

-racially profiling museum guests. -What?

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir.

[Raj] ...they're really doing some very special work.

Oh, and, er, Shah Latif wanted to say something, too.

I'm about to go on, man.

Shah?

Otherwise, we're gonna have to escort him off the premises, immediately.

I don't know him.

[people chattering indistinctly]

[all applauding]

Good luck!

[Pigtrick] So, let's talk about your big moment.

The speech that never was.

A silky bit of spycraft from Thakker. He's clearly made for the role.

Not to mention he can get the bleeding lines out.

Line?

I can do better. I can.

[Pigtrick] Can you now?

Let's see.

I also had a pig's head sent to my mum's house.

-[man] Really? -[people murmuring indistinctly]

I, erm...

[Pigtrick] Nice one, dickhead.

-You're more frozen than me. -[groans]

But it's not your acting that's the problem, is it?

It's who you are.

-[sighs] -[Pigtrick] You don't have the balls

to be Bond.

Shut up!

Hey, yo, cuz! Come, man. Meet your one and only fan.

[Pigtrick] You turned your back on your own fans.

Man's sold out!

[Pigtrick] You turned your back on your own family.

[Zulfi] Man, get the fuck off me, bro!

[Pigtrick] Face it. People like you are never the heroes of the story.

-You'll always just be... -[groaning]

...a scared little Paki!

Send him back where he came from!

[dramatic music playing]

[both yelling]

[yelling continues]

-[groans] -[woman laughing]

-[groans] -[bone breaks]

[Sid groans in pain]

[continues groaning]

-[knocking on door] -Yeah?

You okay?

-Yeah, are you? -What... What you doing?

Nothing. What you doing?

Nothing, bro. It's 2:00 a.m.

Were you talking to someone, or what?

Oh, sorry, man. I was just running lines.

In a suit?

Costume, innit?

Yeah, well, the moon's been sighted so...

-Eid Mubarak. -Eid Mubarak.

-[Shah] Yeah. -Yeah.

Night-night, you weirdo.

[Pigtrick] Eid Mubarak.

Bitch.

[Urdu synthpop music playing]

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