Original subtitles

[tense music playing]

[gulps, inhales sharply]

[exhales]

[inhales sharply]

[exhales]

I suppose the term "safe house" is no longer apt.

[gun cocking]

[woman] Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?

[man coughs]

- I told you not to come after me. - James.

- She knows every-- - [body thuds]

- [gun clatters] - You have terrible taste in hostages.

Wentworth was the mole.

Could've just as easily aimed a few centimetres higher.

And it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?

Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.

Tell me,

when it's just you, all alone,

how do you live with yourself?

Do you even know who you are?

[scoffs]

Line?

- [director] Cut! - Sorry. Sorry.

[bell rings]

I'm sorry, Helen.

- [director] It's all good. It's all good. - Okay.

It's just we're on a bit of a schedule.

Yeah. That's why I was thinking quick reset back to one

- so I'll nail it this time. - How are you blowing this audition?

I know the speech.

- I know it in my core. - Yeah.

You fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.

What is this, a prank show? Are you wearing a hidden camera?

That's funny. No, I... I just have a very particular process.

I've got my head around it now. I'm ready.

- [crew member] Sorry. We have to move. - Just a minute.

Sorry, er, how was your weekend?

- It was good, thanks. How was yours? - Great.

- Yeah, what did you do? - Just... Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Jim.

- Don't rush him. - This is my set. Stop it!

Sorry.

You know what?

They didn't want to see you.

I had to convince them. So this is on me.

I've got a confession to make.

I'm lightheaded from fasting.

It's the holy Muslim month.

It's called Ramadan.

It involves no eating and drinking in the day.

I'm lightheaded from it. If I could have a bit of a cultural understanding...

Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice six takes in a row.

I tried.

It's just a shame you didn't.

Thanks so much for coming in, Shah, and we'll be in touch.

[scoffs]

Do you wanna know what it's like doing the dirty work,

fighting everybody and being nobody?

I don't live with myself.

I live with whoever you need me to be.

The blood on my hands is mine,

because I kill a part of myself every day.

If I don't know who I am,

it's because you don't wanna know.

You knew it. [chuckles]

You knew it!

What's wrong with you?

Do you know who you are?

I'll tell you who you are.

You're a fucking failure

who just shat on your last chance of being somebody.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

You are ashamed of yourself 'cause you're a shame to your family.

You're fucking nobody. You're nothing. You're just a fucking, dumb fucking Paki.

[knocking on door]

[suspenseful music playing]

Um... [clears throat]

- Come in. - [door opens]

Erm...

I, er...

forgot to grab your mic.

Sure.

Huh. [clears throat]

[theme music playing]

[people chattering indistinctly]

Erm, just so you know, there's a photographer camped out front,

so I'm gonna take you around the side.

Oh, okay, yeah.

The press gets a pic of anyone who auditioned

and the whole Bond rumour mill goes crazy.

Sorry, you know, I just realised I left my charger in the dressing room.

- I'm happy to come. - I'll grab it. I know the way.

- You sure? - Thanks, though. Thanks a lot.

Okay.

[upbeat music playing]

You all right?

[music continues]

- [camera shutter clicking] - [music continues]

[Hindi song playing]

- Hey, dude. - Huh?

- What? - I know you.

Mate!

I'm a huge fan.

You're talented.

- No, no, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

You're an exceptional actor, I want you to know that.

- Thank you, man. - Listen.

Can I get a video for my girlfriend, Heather? She's obsessed with you.

- Really? - Yeah. Yeah.

Babe, check it out. Walking down the street,

guess who I bump into?

Dev fucking Patel.

- What? - Dev Patel, just walking down the street.

Say something about Slumdog. She loves Slumdog.

It was an amazing honour to be part of Slumdog Millionaire.

It was a great film that people loved, that I loved.

I loved that film. And I mean, my, my family, my community.

- I mean, internationally. - He's not Dev Patel.

- What? - He's not Dev Patel.

Look how short he is.

Dev is tall, strong, handsome, our Gujarati hero.

Hello, Shahjehan Latif.

Are you the Shahjehan, please?

- Who's Shazje... Shazepan? - Shah Latif.

Shah. Tha...

That's me.

- Can we go, please? - No problem, sir.

Assalamu-Alaikum, Mr Latif, sir.

I hope you're enjoying your Muba experience

and that the temperature is of enjoyment for you.

I asked for a silent ride on the app so...

Sir, just one thing, where are you from? Because you are looking like the Paki,

but you're talking like the honky donkey, you know?

[in Urdu] And you look like a jihadi, but are a camel sphincter.

- [in English] Sphincter? That's a bar. - Like that?

- Of course I like that. Sphincter? - It just came to me.

- Thanks for picking me up. - Calm.

- I appreciate it. - Watch my upholstery, please.

- Get your arse off my shoulder. - You fucking love it.

Listen, did you bring the watch?

- I couldn't find it. - Couldn't find or didn't look?

I didn't look. I've been busy. What do you want me to say?

You're a dickhead. [sighs]

- What the fuck is this doing here? - I was gonna tell you.

But, basically, I need that for my car, bro.

There's no brown dolls for sale. It's weird.

It's not a doll, bro. It's a limited edition

collectable action figure of me from my film.

You gotta ask me before you use my likeness.

You need to chill your tits. First of all, it don't even look like you.

Second, you got 100 of these mini dildos in your garage.

- It's not a dildo. - Look like it to me.

- And I need 'em for my fleet anyway. - "Fleet". All right.

What, you and six guys, yeah?

- It's 26, actually. - Fuck off!

Yes, things have been going very well.

Got some serious investors interested.

- Hmm. - What do you mean, "hmm"?

What? I said, "Hmm."

- Say mashallah. - Mashallah.

If you're gonna say it, say it properly.

- Mashallah. Right. - There you go.

Does your investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro.

Uber in London's already Muslim. Every driver's named Abdi.

Listen to me.

We drive that ting, but we need to own our ting.

- I want us to own this ting, yeah? - Okay.

And if you're strapped for paisa right now,

I'll take you as a driver. I don't mind.

- [scoffs] I don't need money from you. - Is it?

- That's not what I heard. - I got stuff cooking.

- What you got cooking? - I can't tell you.

It's top secret. I signed an NDA.

- You ain't signed no NDA. - I did. Non-disclosure agreement.

- I signed it. - I understand what it means,

but you ain't signed that. You ain't got shit going on.

- You missed the turning for mine. - We didn't.

- We're going to Mummy and Baba's. - What?

- Yes. - No.

What do you mean no?

I mean, no.

Yes, we are, bro, okay?

You have not checked in on your mummy in time.

She's gonna be gassed to see you.

I'm not in the mood. Can you turn around?

I don't care if you're in the mood.

If you're getting free rides, you're gonna make the stops.

NDA.

[upbeat music playing]

Come.

Yeah, I'll come in a minute.

Just sometimes, being here's enough, you know?

Okay, just one minute. I'm coming.

[in Urdu] Tahira, the rest of the kebabs I'll bring tomorrow, okay?

I have to go to Harrods now to meet with a personal shopper.

[Naila laughs]

Oh, will you need my silverware tomorrow?

Your silver set? No, thanks.

It'll look nicer, though.

[Tahira] I have some. Some things we do have.

Yeah, but yours are old.

Assalamu-Alaikum, aunty.

Shaju, son.

[in English] Look at you. All grown up, huh? Such a strong boy.

[kisses] Mashallah.

[in Urdu] Aren't you going to be late, Naila?

- [Naila, in English] Bye, Zulfi. - [Zulfi] Bye, Aunty.

[in Urdu] Look who is here! Does anyone recognise him?

Come down Ainy, his Highness is here!

No, no it doesn't matter. When I'm dead, just visit my grave once.

- [in English] It's been two weeks. - Two months.

- Yes. - A couple of weeks.

[in Urdu] Have you eaten anything?

[in English] I can't. I'm dieting for this job, an audition.

Dieting, but not keeping your Roza.

[in Urdu] God forgive you.

Have you seen your belly?

[in English] You should fast all year.

[in Urdu] Do you know what's going on here?

Naila's doing my head in with stories of Salim in Dubai.

He bought a car, he bought a house, blah, blah, blah.

[Shah] Did he buy his mum some Botox as well?

[in English] I thought it was Michael Jackson when I came in the house.

[both laughing]

[in Urdu] I was thinking the same.

[in English] Don't worry about them.

[in Urdu] Is work stuff going okay?

I haven't had any Google alerts for a while...

[in English] There's stuff going on. I just... Not allowed to talk about it.

Don't talk about it, okay?

Just tell me what happened.

But I'm...

Just dua. Just pray.

[in Urdu] I pray for you night and day, my child!

[in English] Dua for you all the time. Dua.

Okay. Just dua.

Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?

It's got my name written on it in gold.

[in Urdu] What do you even do?

I watch TV all day, you're never on it.

[in English] I've got stuff cooking. It takes time to make a film.

[in Urdu] Must take up all your time, of course.

Getting all those white women to kiss you.

[in English] That was one scene in one film.

You've been perving on this newsreader all day.

[in Urdu] She straightened her hair, not as fun anymore.

[both laugh]

[in English] Baba, why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments?

They're expensive.

I booked them so we can find out what's wrong.

[in Urdu] If you pay the fuckers that much,

of course they'll find something!

- [girl, in English] Oi, cousin. - Shit.

What you saying?

- Nothin', man. I'm bless. - You all right?

- What's this? - What's what?

- You forgetting to take out your tags? - Oh.

- Rah! Is that you, yeah? - Give... gimme.

Baba, see how your boy's spending?

[Shah] Gimme that.

Why are you at home?

I quit my job. Manager was a dickhead.

[Parvez in Urdu] Don't talk like that! Brother Rafeeq is a very good man.

[in English] He was a weirdo.

[Shah] If you need work experience, I could ask Felicia. I told you.

No, listen. If you wanna help me, take me to Taze's show tonight.

- [Tahira speaks in Urdu] - Is he playing tonight?

Yeah. Why?

[Zulfi] I told you, work for me.

[Q] Brother! I already sent you my counter offer.

[Zulfi] 50% of my business?

[Q] Yes. But do you believe in gender equality, or nah?

[Zulfi] No, not really.

Oh, my God.

Shah Bhai, are you gonna be the next James Bond?

What?

[others exclaim questioningly]

- Wait, it might be cap. - Can I have a look at that?

Oh, shit! Nah, nah, nah! It's legit! It's legit!

What the fuck? Oh, my God!

[Tahira] Nah! This is crazy. This is crazy.

- Can I? Can I? - Wait, wait! Chill, man.

Check the website. If it's BBC, we can't trust 'em.

[in Urdu] Did Craig Daniel die?

[in English] Why didn't you tell me, you sneaky fuck!

It's an... It's just an audition.

[in Urdu] Didn't I always say? Super James Bond, my Shaju!

[in English] Listen! It's an audition. It's a photo from today's audition.

That's all it is.

It doesn't make sense though, man. James Bond is white.

[in Urdu] Shut up, you bastard! Always giving my son the evil eye!

I'm the bastard?

[in English] You know how much sex James Bond does?

[in Urdu] All he does is sex!

So what if he does?

I'm the bastard and he's shagging?

It's their country, don't provoke them!

[in English] Listen. Baba, it's okay to be a bit excited.

It's nice even just to have the opportunity.

It's a big deal. You know, brown James Bond.

You should be proud. It's, you know...

This guy's face is gonna be fucking plastered everywhere.

Imagine, imagine it!

Daniel Craig got paid 20 M's for the last movie.

My Shahju will get 21!

It's just... Calm down. It's just an audition.

Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.

[in Urdu] Be quiet.

[in English] Could you tell her to call me as soon as she comes back in?

- Yeah, sure. - [speaking indistinctly]

Okay, bye.

[in Urdu] Hey, stay a minute.

[in English] I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I just gotta sort this out and work it out.

Cuz! Yo, yo. Look at me.

I'm proud of you.

Yeah?

Fucking James Bond, my guy. Come on!

- Let's see what happens. - Of course, inshallah.

But do they know about height?

What do you mean?

Are they gonna give you special shoes? Like James Bond's... big, ain't he?

- I'm just saying it for... for you. - [door opens, closes]

[Shah] Hey, Felicia, can you call me back, please?

I'm just wondering if the, you know,

audition news leak thing has helped me, or, you know, fucked me.

Thank you.

[melancholic music playing]

[music continues]

[mobile phone buzzing]

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Where you been?

Painting my nails on a sun bed. What the fuck you think?

Listen, did you call the paps?

I'm... I'm not that clever.

[hesitates] What are they saying? Are they pissed?

- Well, they are very surprised... - Fuck.

...about how much you're trending.

- What? - And because of the reaction,

they might give you a second chance to audition.

[exclaims triumphantly] Fuck! Yes! Oh!

You, plus a female director, is doing very well for the 18 to 34s,

and you know that demographic gets them wet.

Oh, my God.

So listen, sit tight and let this play out.

Oh, my God.

[mouthing]

Thank you. That is amazing. That's really, really cool.

- Thank you. - God bless the Internet.

[laughs] Yeah.

So just one thing, we can't just see how this plays out.

We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.

Shah, I just told you, it's good.

- You're trending. - Look...

I'm just thinking, maybe I should delete all the old music.

Just the really political bits. What do you think?

As your agent,

let me deal with that stuff. You just need to act.

Listen, there's videos of me online fucking pissing on the British flag.

It's already out there. All you can do is own it.

That makes you the edgy POC candidate.

Yes. Fresh blood. So new fans for the great old institution.

Don't fight the thing that got you here.

Huh. Okay. Okay.

So what are you saying? Maybe I should...

lean into it? Or...

'Cause Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.

I could maybe do a little thing there?

There's nothing to lean into. You just are.

Listen, just don't do anything and stay home.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Done.

[upbeat music playing]

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum Bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum Bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum Bum, bum, bum ♪

[man vocalising]

[speaking inaudibly]

[vocalising continues]

[music stops]

- [people chattering indistinctly] - Oh, shit. [chuckles]

- Hey! - What are you doing here?

Me? What are you doing here?

You're everywhere today.

Pretty cool, innit? [chuckles]

Hmm.

[Punjabi hip-hop music playing]

- What you saying? - Yo! What's good?

Look who's back on the street!

- Man like Taze, you know! - Ri-ri-ri-rick-shaaah!

- What's up? - This shit blew up, huh?

- Yeah, putting the work in. - Look at how many people.

You've killed it, man!

- What you saying? - Amit! Yes, G.

What you doing here? Shouldn't you be protecting Gotham City right now?

- What? - No, it's not Gotham.

Don't you know? Dude's the new Batman!

It's not Batman. It's James Bond.

[Amit] Hey, easy with the Hollywood big man shit.

It's just an audition.

You know what? We need to get a picture for the 'Gram.

[chuckles] Safe, man. All right?

It's good to see you, but I'm just thinking.

- [Amit] What? - Forget it. It's cool, man.

- [Amit] No, say it! - Nah, I'm just...

Go on.

I just had a mad thought. Wouldn't it be sick if I...

if I warmed up for you lot tonight?

'Cause I think the crowd would love it. Be like a reunion.

- Be like old times, bro. - Shah, man. How dare you?

- What? - [Taze] Nothing. You come back,

you act like you fucking own this place.

Walking through here all like, "Look at me, look at me."

Bruv, I didn't mean it like that.

I didn't mean...

[Taze and Amit laughing]

Oh, my God. "I didn't mean it like that."

You're a dickhead. You're a dickhead.

I can't knock the hustle, man. Yo.

Maybe... Uh, yeah.

I was thinking maybe I could come through the crowd

you know, like the old days.

- I'll meet you on stage with the mic. - Shah, man.

There's a lot of hate coming at you on the Internet right now.

Just don't pay attention to it, all right? It's all bullshit.

London, are you ready for Taze?

[crowd cheering]

[music starts playing]

[Amit] Yes, yes, London.

Special guest MC in the building.

MC Rickshah!

[crowd cheering]

[music cuts off and on]

[high-pitch tone buzzing]

[heartbeat pulsating]

[music playing]

[breathing heavily]

[Parvez in Urdu] Give us a sign. Give us a sign, my Lord,

to find the right path. We have strayed.

Forgive us all, Lord.

Rid us of our misfortunes...

[glass shattering]

[men laughing]

[car door shuts]

[car speeds away]

[mobile phone buzzing]

[sombre music playing]

[Shah] "Arse salami..."

- "Fuck." - "Fuck."

"Fuck you... 007."

[mobile phone buzzing]

[exhales in relief]

["Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" playing]

Fuck!

[woman singing "Sweet Dreams" in Hindi]

[Patrick Stewart] Shah Latif, welcome to my little podcast.

It's an honour to be here.

[Patrick] Word on the web is you could be playing Bond.

- [both] Boing! - Yeah!

- Come on. Don't do that on the red carpet. - I can't guarantee it.

[Shah] My callback is in a few days.

- [crowd boos] - Man's sold out!

I know you're probably getting a lot of hate, too.

- [camera clicking] - Not really.

- [Parvez] You pushed him into this. - [grunts]

The pressure.

[Patrick] You don't stand a chance.

[car honks]

What do you want, Shah?

[Shah] Material stuff doesn't really matter to me.

- I'm... I'm an artist. - [all groan]

- I've failed. - My days.

[song continues]