Original subtitles

Welcome to the Daily Show. My name IS

Welcome to the Daily Show. My name IS

Welcome to the Daily Show. My name IS JOHN STEWART. MAN, WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR

JOHN STEWART. MAN, WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR

JOHN STEWART. MAN, WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR TONIGHT. I know I said we got a great

TONIGHT. I know I said we got a great

TONIGHT. I know I said we got a great show for you tonight. Former national

show for you tonight. Former national

show for you tonight. Former national security adviser Jake Sullivan is going

security adviser Jake Sullivan is going

security adviser Jake Sullivan is going to be here tonight. And like all people

to be here tonight. And like all people

to be here tonight. And like all people with a nuanced understanding of the

with a nuanced understanding of the

with a nuanced understanding of the complex geopolitics of the Middle East.

complex geopolitics of the Middle East.

complex geopolitics of the Middle East. He's not working in government anymore.

He's not working in government anymore.

He's not working in government anymore. He has a podcast.

He has a podcast.

He has a podcast. He's in the manosphere.

He's in the manosphere.

He's in the manosphere. But before I get to all that, ladies and

But before I get to all that, ladies and

But before I get to all that, ladies and gentlemen,

I hope you had a pleasant weekend

I hope you had a pleasant weekend

I hope you had a pleasant weekend and got some rest because the dizzy and

and got some rest because the dizzy and

and got some rest because the dizzy and chaotic carnival ride that is Donald

chaotic carnival ride that is Donald

chaotic carnival ride that is Donald Trump's America continues to carine down

Trump's America continues to carine down

Trump's America continues to carine down shitow hill.

shitow hill.

shitow hill. It's madness out there. TSA

It's madness out there. TSA

It's madness out there. TSA lines longer than your actual trip.

lines longer than your actual trip.

lines longer than your actual trip. escalating threats in the Middle East.

escalating threats in the Middle East.

escalating threats in the Middle East. Planes driving into trucks. The only

Planes driving into trucks. The only

Planes driving into trucks. The only thing giving me joy

thing giving me joy

thing giving me joy is looking forward to this season of The

is looking forward to this season of The

is looking forward to this season of The Bachelorette. I mean, they've got

Bachelorette. I mean, they've got

Bachelorette. I mean, they've got a strong

a strong

a strong Mormon woman. She seems lovely. I hope

Mormon woman. She seems lovely. I hope

Mormon woman. She seems lovely. I hope that she finds Hold on a second. I'm

that she finds Hold on a second. I'm

that she finds Hold on a second. I'm getting a call. No.

But luckily in everything that is going

But luckily in everything that is going

But luckily in everything that is going wrong in our country, our intrepid

wrong in our country, our intrepid

wrong in our country, our intrepid leader is utterly unbothered. The world

leader is utterly unbothered. The world

leader is utterly unbothered. The world disintegrates around him

disintegrates around him

disintegrates around him largely due to his actions.

largely due to his actions.

largely due to his actions. Yet he still managed to spend the

Yet he still managed to spend the

Yet he still managed to spend the weekend golfing a couple of times and

weekend golfing a couple of times and

weekend golfing a couple of times and partying at Mara Lago.

partying at Mara Lago.

partying at Mara Lago. >> I didn't know I was going to be here

>> I didn't know I was going to be here

>> I didn't know I was going to be here today.

I am supposed to be prosecuting the war.

You know, I really think that the less

You know, I really think that the less

You know, I really think that the less fun we're all having,

fun we're all having,

fun we're all having, the better he seems to be doing. Does he

the better he seems to be doing. Does he

the better he seems to be doing. Does he run on our misery? Does that make him

run on our misery? Does that make him

run on our misery? Does that make him stronger? Now, to be fair, that was the

stronger? Now, to be fair, that was the

stronger? Now, to be fair, that was the weekend. Obviously, today is Monday, the

weekend. Obviously, today is Monday, the

weekend. Obviously, today is Monday, the only day of the work week.

>> It's time to focus and get down to the

>> It's time to focus and get down to the

>> It's time to focus and get down to the sobering business of wrapping up this

sobering business of wrapping up this

sobering business of wrapping up this war.

war.

war. >> President Trump now arriving at

>> President Trump now arriving at

>> President Trump now arriving at Gasteland for a bit of a detour on his

Gasteland for a bit of a detour on his

Gasteland for a bit of a detour on his stop.

stop.

stop. >> Elvis had two eighth degree black belts

>> Elvis had two eighth degree black belts

>> Elvis had two eighth degree black belts in karate. one was in Keno and that's

in karate. one was in Keno and that's

in karate. one was in Keno and that's what this

what this

what this >> was he really good or was it just

>> was he really good or was it just

>> was he really good or was it just >> actually he was really good he started

>> actually he was really good he started

>> actually he was really good he started practicing

practicing

practicing >> could I have taken him in a fight

which Elvis are we talking about

which Elvis are we talking about

which Elvis are we talking about 1950s Elvis no 1970s Elvis still no

1950s Elvis no 1970s Elvis still no

1950s Elvis no 1970s Elvis still no it's unbelievable how disconnected

it's unbelievable how disconnected

it's unbelievable how disconnected Donald Trump is from the chaos that he

Donald Trump is from the chaos that he

Donald Trump is from the chaos that he himself is causing the American people

himself is causing the American people

himself is causing the American people but I'm glad You could have a nice time

but I'm glad You could have a nice time

but I'm glad You could have a nice time golfing and visiting Graceand while

golfing and visiting Graceand while

golfing and visiting Graceand while we're all freaking the out.

we're all freaking the out.

we're all freaking the out. >> President Trump issues a deadline to

>> President Trump issues a deadline to

>> President Trump issues a deadline to open the Straight of Hormuz by Monday

open the Straight of Hormuz by Monday

open the Straight of Hormuz by Monday night or he says he'll quote obliterate

night or he says he'll quote obliterate

night or he says he'll quote obliterate Iranian power plants.

Iranian power plants.

Iranian power plants. >> Iran isn't blinking, saying if power

>> Iran isn't blinking, saying if power

>> Iran isn't blinking, saying if power plants are attacked, Iran will target

plants are attacked, Iran will target

plants are attacked, Iran will target the power plants of regional countries.

the power plants of regional countries.

the power plants of regional countries. >> This escalates every day with no end in

>> This escalates every day with no end in

>> This escalates every day with no end in sight.

sight.

sight. >> The countdown ticks towards Monday

>> The countdown ticks towards Monday

>> The countdown ticks towards Monday night.

night.

night. >> Oh, Monday. We've got plenty OF TIME TO

>> Oh, Monday. We've got plenty OF TIME TO

>> Oh, Monday. We've got plenty OF TIME TO WAIT.

IF I'M HERE, THAT MUST mean

lo and behold, today Trump removed the

lo and behold, today Trump removed the

lo and behold, today Trump removed the sword of Donald Cle that he himself had

sword of Donald Cle that he himself had

sword of Donald Cle that he himself had hung over our heads.

hung over our heads.

hung over our heads. >> The president just posting moments ago,

>> The president just posting moments ago,

>> The president just posting moments ago, he has now decided to quote postpone any

he has now decided to quote postpone any

he has now decided to quote postpone any and all military strikes on Iranian

and all military strikes on Iranian

and all military strikes on Iranian power plants. The president claiming the

power plants. The president claiming the

power plants. The president claiming the US has been negotiating with Iran over

US has been negotiating with Iran over

US has been negotiating with Iran over the weekend, calling them indepth,

the weekend, calling them indepth,

the weekend, calling them indepth, detailed, and constructive

detailed, and constructive

detailed, and constructive conversations.

conversations.

conversations. >> Oh, well, I guess we're all going to be

>> Oh, well, I guess we're all going to be

>> Oh, well, I guess we're all going to be have a little less action and a little

have a little less action and a little

have a little less action and a little more conversation.

That's right,

That's right,

That's right, BOYS. 2, THREE, FOUR.

BOYS. 2, THREE, FOUR.

BOYS. 2, THREE, FOUR. >> A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION.

>> That's all we get due to budget

>> That's all we get due to budget

>> That's all we get due to budget constraints, unfortunately.

constraints, unfortunately.

constraints, unfortunately. But you know what? Take a step back. You

But you know what? Take a step back. You

But you know what? Take a step back. You know, it's a good news story. It's a

know, it's a good news story. It's a

know, it's a good news story. It's a sigh of relief for everybody. It's

sigh of relief for everybody. It's

sigh of relief for everybody. It's progress and we've got to celebrate the

progress and we've got to celebrate the

progress and we've got to celebrate the wins, you know, in this world. It's like

wins, you know, in this world. It's like

wins, you know, in this world. It's like our friend Punch. You remember our

our friend Punch. You remember our

our friend Punch. You remember our friend Punch?

friend Punch?

friend Punch? >> Yeah, I agree.

>> Yeah, I agree.

>> Yeah, I agree. We brought Punch up previously. Well,

We brought Punch up previously. Well,

We brought Punch up previously. Well, good news. Does Punch the Monkey have a

good news. Does Punch the Monkey have a

good news. Does Punch the Monkey have a girlfriend? Punch has been spotted

girlfriend? Punch has been spotted

girlfriend? Punch has been spotted canoodling with a female monkey. There

canoodling with a female monkey. There

canoodling with a female monkey. There they are, hugging and kissing and

they are, hugging and kissing and

they are, hugging and kissing and affectionately playing with each other.

affectionately playing with each other.

affectionately playing with each other. >> Fantastic.

>> Fantastic.

>> Fantastic. It's really nice. Although, um,

It's really nice. Although, um,

It's really nice. Although, um, hey, listen girl, straight talk.

hey, listen girl, straight talk.

hey, listen girl, straight talk. I know what you're thinking, but girl,

I know what you're thinking, but girl,

I know what you're thinking, but girl, you can't fix him.

you can't fix him.

you can't fix him. You just

punch. Seriously, if you're watching, I

punch. Seriously, if you're watching, I

punch. Seriously, if you're watching, I am happy for you. But little advice,

am happy for you. But little advice,

am happy for you. But little advice, prenup.

prenup.

prenup. You're a famous guy now and you don't

You're a famous guy now and you don't

You're a famous guy now and you don't want to end up splitting your fortune in

want to end up splitting your fortune in

want to end up splitting your fortune in half.

I guess that's not quite half.

BUT BACK TO ESCALATING. Tell God, do I

BUT BACK TO ESCALATING. Tell God, do I

BUT BACK TO ESCALATING. Tell God, do I really have to

But back to Iran,

But back to Iran,

But back to Iran, escalating tensions in the Middle East.

escalating tensions in the Middle East.

escalating tensions in the Middle East. I must applaud the president for

I must applaud the president for

I must applaud the president for stepping back from the cliff of

stepping back from the cliff of

stepping back from the cliff of escalation and engaging Iran in

escalation and engaging Iran in

escalation and engaging Iran in productive talks.

productive talks.

productive talks. >> Iran has responded at state media saying

>> Iran has responded at state media saying

>> Iran has responded at state media saying there are no talks.

Well, now we're in the uncomfortable

Well, now we're in the uncomfortable

Well, now we're in the uncomfortable position

position

position of who to believe.

Normally in this situation, I think we'd

Normally in this situation, I think we'd

Normally in this situation, I think we'd all be inclined to in some measure not

all be inclined to in some measure not

all be inclined to in some measure not trust the pronouncements coming from

trust the pronouncements coming from

trust the pronouncements coming from this theocratic and corrupt regime,

this theocratic and corrupt regime,

this theocratic and corrupt regime, Iran.

Iran.

Iran. talking about Iran with clarity. I just

talking about Iran with clarity. I just

talking about Iran with clarity. I just want to not Iran, we we'd be inclined

want to not Iran, we we'd be inclined

want to not Iran, we we'd be inclined not to trust Iran.

not to trust Iran.

not to trust Iran. So So let's give our president the

So So let's give our president the

So So let's give our president the benefit of the doubt and just probe a

benefit of the doubt and just probe a

benefit of the doubt and just probe a little deeper. Sir, you say we're having

little deeper. Sir, you say we're having

little deeper. Sir, you say we're having talks with Iran. Uh who did you talk to?

talks with Iran. Uh who did you talk to?

talks with Iran. Uh who did you talk to? >> A top a top person.

the top person or the

the top person or the

the top person or the top person. The the article really makes

top person. The the article really makes

top person. The the article really makes a huge difference here. Like the guy or

a huge difference here. Like the guy or

a huge difference here. Like the guy or some guy

some guy

some guy >> you know it's a little tough. They've

>> you know it's a little tough. They've

>> you know it's a little tough. They've wiped out we've wiped out everybody.

So, a lower level guy who's been

So, a lower level guy who's been

So, a lower level guy who's been elevated to a a higher uh echelon, a a

elevated to a a higher uh echelon, a a

elevated to a a higher uh echelon, a a bottom who is now a top uh

bottom who is now a top uh

bottom who is now a top uh versatile, but but not

not stop it

or I will rip your stuffed monkey

or I will rip your stuffed monkey

or I will rip your stuffed monkey in half.

So, you're talking to a guy, but not the

So, you're talking to a guy, but not the

So, you're talking to a guy, but not the top guy. Not the supreme leader.

top guy. Not the supreme leader.

top guy. Not the supreme leader. >> No, not the supreme leader, but the

>> No, not the supreme leader, but the

>> No, not the supreme leader, but the people that seem to be running it.

people that seem to be running it.

people that seem to be running it. >> Again,

>> Again,

>> Again, running it or seem to be running it.

running it or seem to be running it.

running it or seem to be running it. It's a big difference. Hey, where's our

It's a big difference. Hey, where's our

It's a big difference. Hey, where's our car? Oh, I gave it to the guy who seems

car? Oh, I gave it to the guy who seems

car? Oh, I gave it to the guy who seems TO BE THE VALET.

TO BE THE VALET.

TO BE THE VALET. HE HAD A JACKET. HE WAS standing by the

HE HAD A JACKET. HE WAS standing by the

HE HAD A JACKET. HE WAS standing by the curb. Seemed like a top guy. And he did

curb. Seemed like a top guy. And he did

curb. Seemed like a top guy. And he did take the car.

What made you think he was the top guy

What made you think he was the top guy

What made you think he was the top guy when you had the talks with him?

when you had the talks with him?

when you had the talks with him? >> Mr. Witchoff and Mr. Kushner had them.

>> Mr. Witchoff and Mr. Kushner had them.

>> Mr. Witchoff and Mr. Kushner had them. >> So you didn't even talk to them. your

>> So you didn't even talk to them. your

>> So you didn't even talk to them. your guys who quite frankly don't seem like

guys who quite frankly don't seem like

guys who quite frankly don't seem like top guys talk to their seemingly

top guys talk to their seemingly

top guys talk to their seemingly somewhat top guy. Are Jared and Steve

somewhat top guy. Are Jared and Steve

somewhat top guy. Are Jared and Steve sure this is even a real person that

sure this is even a real person that

sure this is even a real person that they're talking to? Out of curiosity,

they're talking to? Out of curiosity,

they're talking to? Out of curiosity, did the top Iranian guy ever ask for

did the top Iranian guy ever ask for

did the top Iranian guy ever ask for their social security numbers

their social security numbers

their social security numbers or Target gift cards?

or Target gift cards?

or Target gift cards? Is their top guy's name by any chance,

Is their top guy's name by any chance,

Is their top guy's name by any chance, Ali Baba Buouie?

Ali Baba Buouie?

Ali Baba Buouie? Because it's sounding like

Because it's sounding like

Because it's sounding like Maybe if you walk us through the

Maybe if you walk us through the

Maybe if you walk us through the details, it'll feel more real.

details, it'll feel more real.

details, it'll feel more real. >> You said there's many points of

>> You said there's many points of

>> You said there's many points of agreement with Iran right now.

agreement with Iran right now.

agreement with Iran right now. >> What? Can you give us a

>> What? Can you give us a

>> What? Can you give us a >> Many? Like 15 points.

>> Many? Like 15 points.

>> Many? Like 15 points. >> 15 points.

>> 15 points.

>> 15 points. >> Like 15

>> Like 15

>> Like 15 or 15?

or 15?

or 15? GOD DAMN IT. WHY DO WE HAVE TO

GOD DAMN IT. WHY DO WE HAVE TO

GOD DAMN IT. WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS? WHAT ARE WE DOING?

>> WELL, WELL, WELL. Looks like the

>> WELL, WELL, WELL. Looks like the

>> WELL, WELL, WELL. Looks like the creatine is working.

I only eat meats and ferments.

I only eat meats and ferments.

I only eat meats and ferments. Seriously, like 15 or 15? Just just keep

Seriously, like 15 or 15? Just just keep

Seriously, like 15 or 15? Just just keep going. What's the first point?

going. What's the first point?

going. What's the first point? >> Well, they're not going to have a

>> Well, they're not going to have a

>> Well, they're not going to have a nuclear weapon. That's number one.

nuclear weapon. That's number one.

nuclear weapon. That's number one. That's number one, two, and three.

That's number one, two, and three.

That's number one, two, and three. >> It's

I want to believe this is real, but

I want to believe this is real, but

I want to believe this is real, but there's no way that your 15-point

there's no way that your 15-point

there's no way that your 15-point agreement one, two, and three are no

agreement one, two, and three are no

agreement one, two, and three are no nucle. First of all, that makes it a

nucle. First of all, that makes it a

nucle. First of all, that makes it a 13-point agreement just right off the

13-point agreement just right off the

13-point agreement just right off the bat. And there's no way you went to

bat. And there's no way you went to

bat. And there's no way you went to Iran. And we're like, "All right, first

Iran. And we're like, "All right, first

Iran. And we're like, "All right, first point, no nuclear weapons." And point

point, no nuclear weapons." And point

point, no nuclear weapons." And point number two, same shame.

Point number three, C. Point number two,

Point number three, C. Point number two,

Point number three, C. Point number two, that's what we're supposed to believe.

that's what we're supposed to believe.

that's what we're supposed to believe. >> They will never have a nuclear weapon.

>> They will never have a nuclear weapon.

>> They will never have a nuclear weapon. >> Yes.

>> Yes.

>> Yes. >> They've agreed to that.

>> They've agreed to that.

>> They've agreed to that. >> Look,

Donald Trump is without a doubt one of

Donald Trump is without a doubt one of

Donald Trump is without a doubt one of the most prodigious liars this country

the most prodigious liars this country

the most prodigious liars this country has ever produced. He's our supreme

has ever produced. He's our supreme

has ever produced. He's our supreme misleader.

misleader.

misleader. But the chaos this very actual war is

But the chaos this very actual war is

But the chaos this very actual war is creating is making us question even his

creating is making us question even his

creating is making us question even his reality distorting powers. Let's let's

reality distorting powers. Let's let's

reality distorting powers. Let's let's step back into the wayback machine all

step back into the wayback machine all

step back into the wayback machine all the way back I I don't know June when

the way back I I don't know June when

the way back I I don't know June when Israel and the United States first

Israel and the United States first

Israel and the United States first bombed Iran's nuclear program.

bombed Iran's nuclear program.

bombed Iran's nuclear program. >> We wiped out the nuclear capability of

>> We wiped out the nuclear capability of

>> We wiped out the nuclear capability of Iran obliterated it.

Iran obliterated it.

Iran obliterated it. >> It was obliterated like nobody's ever

>> It was obliterated like nobody's ever

>> It was obliterated like nobody's ever seen before. I would say it's set back

seen before. I would say it's set back

seen before. I would say it's set back permanently.

permanently.

permanently. >> That place is under rock. That place is

>> That place is under rock. That place is

>> That place is under rock. That place is demolished.

demolished.

demolished. >> They're never going to have nuclear.

>> They're never going to have nuclear.

>> They're never going to have nuclear. >> Never permanently

>> Never permanently

>> Never permanently obliterated.

obliterated.

obliterated. I'm sorry. Caitlyn Collins, you have a

I'm sorry. Caitlyn Collins, you have a

I'm sorry. Caitlyn Collins, you have a question.

question.

question. >> You obliterated their nuclear sites last

>> You obliterated their nuclear sites last

>> You obliterated their nuclear sites last summer with your strikes. Then how can

summer with your strikes. Then how can

summer with your strikes. Then how can you argue it was an imminent threat now?

you argue it was an imminent threat now?

you argue it was an imminent threat now? >> Oh, we hit them so hard we oblitered

>> Oh, we hit them so hard we oblitered

>> Oh, we hit them so hard we oblitered them. But obliterated them. But that

them. But obliterated them. But that

them. But obliterated them. But that doesn't mean with the right equipment,

doesn't mean with the right equipment,

doesn't mean with the right equipment, you can't dig down and go get it.

you can't dig down and go get it.

you can't dig down and go get it. Actually,

I think it's exactly what it means.

I think it's exactly what it means.

I think it's exactly what it means. That's what God damn it.

It's so annoying. It's so unbelievably

It's so annoying. It's so unbelievably

It's so annoying. It's so unbelievably annoying. Here we go.

to obliterate, to destroy completely,

to obliterate, to destroy completely,

to obliterate, to destroy completely, leaving nothing behind.

leaving nothing behind.

leaving nothing behind. THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE ABOUT WELL, WE

THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE ABOUT WELL, WE

THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE ABOUT WELL, WE COMPLETELY obliterated it unless they

COMPLETELY obliterated it unless they

COMPLETELY obliterated it unless they have shovels. Like,

>> by the way, nuclear question to sign.

>> by the way, nuclear question to sign.

>> by the way, nuclear question to sign. Are they even opening the Straight of

Are they even opening the Straight of

Are they even opening the Straight of Hormuz? Isn't that what prompted your

Hormuz? Isn't that what prompted your

Hormuz? Isn't that what prompted your apocalyptic ultimatum in the first

apocalyptic ultimatum in the first

apocalyptic ultimatum in the first place?

place?

place? >> That'll be opened very soon if this

>> That'll be opened very soon if this

>> That'll be opened very soon if this works.

works.

works. >> How soon? And who's in control of it?

>> How soon? And who's in control of it?

>> How soon? And who's in control of it? Will Iran still be able to control the

Will Iran still be able to control the

Will Iran still be able to control the flow of oil?

flow of oil?

flow of oil? >> Uh be jointly controlled

>> Uh be jointly controlled

>> Uh be jointly controlled >> by who?

>> by who?

>> by who? >> Maybe me.

>> Maybe me.

>> Maybe me. >> Maybe me.

>> Maybe me.

>> Maybe me. >> The United States,

>> The United States,

>> The United States, >> me and the Ayatollah, whoever the

>> me and the Ayatollah, whoever the

>> me and the Ayatollah, whoever the Ayatollah is.

Coming soon

Coming soon

Coming soon from Sky Dance Paramount Brothers Amazon

from Sky Dance Paramount Brothers Amazon

from Sky Dance Paramount Brothers Amazon Comcast.

Two bitter enemies put aside their

Two bitter enemies put aside their

Two bitter enemies put aside their differences

differences

differences and learn

and LEARN THAT OILS FAIR IN LOVING WAR.

and LEARN THAT OILS FAIR IN LOVING WAR.

and LEARN THAT OILS FAIR IN LOVING WAR. Will opening a straight

Will opening a straight

Will opening a straight open their hearts?

open their hearts?

open their hearts? premieres on Paramount Plus plus minus

premieres on Paramount Plus plus minus

premieres on Paramount Plus plus minus divided by

has already been cancelled.

has already been cancelled.

has already been cancelled. Jesus,

Jesus,

Jesus, what the Oh, maybe I'll run it with the

what the Oh, maybe I'll run it with the

what the Oh, maybe I'll run it with the Ayatollah like two bridge trolls.

Ayatollah like two bridge trolls.

Ayatollah like two bridge trolls. Whoever wants to take oil to sea must

Whoever wants to take oil to sea must

Whoever wants to take oil to sea must answer me these riddles three.

answer me these riddles three.

answer me these riddles three. I hate Here's what I hate. I hate how

I hate Here's what I hate. I hate how

I hate Here's what I hate. I hate how these questions of great importance and

these questions of great importance and

these questions of great importance and consequence to our country he handles

consequence to our country he handles

consequence to our country he handles with such shitty glibess. Maybe I'll run

with such shitty glibess. Maybe I'll run

with such shitty glibess. Maybe I'll run it. Aren't I a little stinker?

it. Aren't I a little stinker?

it. Aren't I a little stinker? I BOMBED IRAN. CAN'T YOU JUST EAT ME UP

I BOMBED IRAN. CAN'T YOU JUST EAT ME UP

I BOMBED IRAN. CAN'T YOU JUST EAT ME UP WITH A SPOON?

WITH A SPOON?

WITH A SPOON? >> MEANWHILE, here in America, we don't

>> MEANWHILE, here in America, we don't

>> MEANWHILE, here in America, we don't even need a war to degrade our own

even need a war to degrade our own

even need a war to degrade our own infrastructure. Our airports are

infrastructure. Our airports are

infrastructure. Our airports are COLLAPSING ALL BY THEMSELVES.

COLLAPSING ALL BY THEMSELVES.

COLLAPSING ALL BY THEMSELVES. >> THE FOX NEWS ALERT. Chaos erupting at

>> THE FOX NEWS ALERT. Chaos erupting at

>> THE FOX NEWS ALERT. Chaos erupting at America's airport.

America's airport.

America's airport. >> This line in Atlanta showing people

>> This line in Atlanta showing people

>> This line in Atlanta showing people lined up around midnight for flights

lined up around midnight for flights

lined up around midnight for flights leaving this morning.

leaving this morning.

leaving this morning. >> I've been here almost 2 hours.

>> I've been here almost 2 hours.

>> I've been here almost 2 hours. >> 3 and 1 half hours. Look at that. We

>> 3 and 1 half hours. Look at that. We

>> 3 and 1 half hours. Look at that. We might not make it.

might not make it.

might not make it. >> My flight is boarding right now.

>> My flight is boarding right now.

>> My flight is boarding right now. >> Oh no.

Way ahead of you, kid.

Way ahead of you, kid.

Way ahead of you, kid. Oh no.

Oh no.

Oh no. That should be the left's new don't

That should be the left's new don't

That should be the left's new don't tread on me flag.

tread on me flag.

tread on me flag. Oh no.

Oh no.

Oh no. American travelers are so stressed out.

American travelers are so stressed out.

American travelers are so stressed out. What incredibly uncontroversial American

What incredibly uncontroversial American

What incredibly uncontroversial American enforcement agency could we deploy to?

enforcement agency could we deploy to?

enforcement agency could we deploy to? Oh, you're way ahead of me. I believe

Oh, you're way ahead of me. I believe

Oh, you're way ahead of me. I believe the audience in mass just went, "Oh, no.

the audience in mass just went, "Oh, no.

the audience in mass just went, "Oh, no. What agency could we deploy to our

What agency could we deploy to our

What agency could we deploy to our airports to ease passengers journey?

airports to ease passengers journey?

airports to ease passengers journey? This morning, the Trump administration

This morning, the Trump administration

This morning, the Trump administration is now deploying ICE agents to help TSA

is now deploying ICE agents to help TSA

is now deploying ICE agents to help TSA officers.

>> Oh no.

>> Oh no.

>> Oh no. We're sending in ICE agents to calm the

We're sending in ICE agents to calm the

We're sending in ICE agents to calm the situation. It makes perfect sense. It's

situation. It makes perfect sense. It's

situation. It makes perfect sense. It's kind of like the way we calm our dogs

kind of like the way we calm our dogs

kind of like the way we calm our dogs during thunderstorms with a blanket of

during thunderstorms with a blanket of

during thunderstorms with a blanket of fireworks.

You're okay, Rusty.

You're okay, Rusty.

You're okay, Rusty. Rono,

not to worry. Our incredibly competent

not to worry. Our incredibly competent

not to worry. Our incredibly competent government knows exactly how these ICE

government knows exactly how these ICE

government knows exactly how these ICE agents can help alleviate these

agents can help alleviate these

agents can help alleviate these incredibly long TSA lines. Right,

incredibly long TSA lines. Right,

incredibly long TSA lines. Right, Transportation Secretary Shan Duffy? We

Transportation Secretary Shan Duffy? We

Transportation Secretary Shan Duffy? We have ICE agents who are trained and can

have ICE agents who are trained and can

have ICE agents who are trained and can uh provide assistance to agents. They

uh provide assistance to agents. They

uh provide assistance to agents. They run those same type of security machines

run those same type of security machines

run those same type of security machines at the southern border.

at the southern border.

at the southern border. >> Oh, great. Well, that'll be really

>> Oh, great. Well, that'll be really

>> Oh, great. Well, that'll be really helpful if it's true. Is it true? Guy in

helpful if it's true. Is it true? Guy in

helpful if it's true. Is it true? Guy in charge of ICE.

charge of ICE.

charge of ICE. >> ICE isn't trained on X-rays and look at

>> ICE isn't trained on X-rays and look at

>> ICE isn't trained on X-rays and look at X-rays, see if there's, you know,

X-rays, see if there's, you know,

X-rays, see if there's, you know, something dangerous in that luggage.

something dangerous in that luggage.

something dangerous in that luggage. Well, no kidding. And we're not going to

Well, no kidding. And we're not going to

Well, no kidding. And we're not going to be doing that.

>> ICE isn't trained on X-rays. No

>> ICE isn't trained on X-rays. No

>> ICE isn't trained on X-rays. No surprise. They don't really seem to be

surprise. They don't really seem to be

surprise. They don't really seem to be trained on anything actually. And by the

trained on anything actually. And by the

trained on anything actually. And by the way, who the

way, who the

way, who the HONESTLY

who the even thought it was a good

who the even thought it was a good

who the even thought it was a good idea to send America's most hair trigger

idea to send America's most hair trigger

idea to send America's most hair trigger agency into America's most hairraising

agency into America's most hairraising

agency into America's most hairraising environment?

environment?

environment? >> Whose idea was that when I took the

>> Whose idea was that when I took the

>> Whose idea was that when I took the airport?

airport?

airport? >> That was mine.

What in God's name possessed you to do

What in God's name possessed you to do

What in God's name possessed you to do that?

that?

that? >> That was like the paperclip. You know

>> That was like the paperclip. You know

>> That was like the paperclip. You know the story of the paper clip?

How many more years

How many more years

How many more years of this

of this

of this Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Go ahead. 182 years ago, a man discovered the

182 years ago, a man discovered the

182 years ago, a man discovered the paperclip. It was so simple. And

paperclip. It was so simple. And

paperclip. It was so simple. And everybody that looked at it say, "Why

everybody that looked at it say, "Why

everybody that looked at it say, "Why didn't I think of that?" Uh, ICE was my

didn't I think of that?" Uh, ICE was my

didn't I think of that?" Uh, ICE was my idea.

Right now in Iran, they're going,

Right now in Iran, they're going,

Right now in Iran, they're going, "Are we talking to a top guy?"

"Are we talking to a top guy?"

"Are we talking to a top guy?" Because I don't think I don't think this

Because I don't think I don't think this

Because I don't think I don't think this is A TOP GUY. YEAH, WE were talking

is A TOP GUY. YEAH, WE were talking

is A TOP GUY. YEAH, WE were talking about negotiating uh nuclear and then he

about negotiating uh nuclear and then he

about negotiating uh nuclear and then he just went off on paper clips. Why did I

just went off on paper clips. Why did I

just went off on paper clips. Why did I bomb Iran? Well, do you know the story

bomb Iran? Well, do you know the story

bomb Iran? Well, do you know the story of 2000 flushes blue?

Well, for centuries people in

Well, for centuries people in

Well, for centuries people in regular water.

regular water.

regular water. And then one day a guy said, "WHAT IF IT

And then one day a guy said, "WHAT IF IT

And then one day a guy said, "WHAT IF IT WAS BLUE?"

WAS BLUE?"

WAS BLUE?" And that's why I bombed Iran.

And that's why I bombed Iran.

And that's why I bombed Iran. It's so stupid. Meanwhile, the

It's so stupid. Meanwhile, the

It's so stupid. Meanwhile, the rest of us suffer under Donald Trump's

rest of us suffer under Donald Trump's

rest of us suffer under Donald Trump's attention deficit style of government by

attention deficit style of government by

attention deficit style of government by whim. And as America and and and really

whim. And as America and and and really

whim. And as America and and and really the world has to helplessly navigate the

the world has to helplessly navigate the

the world has to helplessly navigate the turbulence that Trump causes, his

turbulence that Trump causes, his

turbulence that Trump causes, his administration, I you not, this

administration, I you not, this

administration, I you not, this weekend had a message for all those who

weekend had a message for all those who

weekend had a message for all those who are suffering. I think that given what

are suffering. I think that given what

are suffering. I think that given what has been done to President Trump and his

has been done to President Trump and his

has been done to President Trump and his family, it is impossible for either of

family, it is impossible for either of

family, it is impossible for either of us to understand what he has been

us to understand what he has been

us to understand what he has been through. We should all have a little

through. We should all have a little

through. We should all have a little empathy for what has been done to him

empathy for what has been done to him

empathy for what has been done to him and his family.

and his family.

and his family. >> I think we have to offer the president

>> I think we have to offer the president

>> I think we have to offer the president grace.

grace.

grace. >> He needs grace. In fact, maybe let him

>> He needs grace. In fact, maybe let him

>> He needs grace. In fact, maybe let him live in a land of grace. Graceand

live in a land of grace. Graceand

live in a land of grace. Graceand >> where he can live his life out asking

>> where he can live his life out asking

>> where he can live his life out asking the important questions. Does Elvis get

the important questions. Does Elvis get

the important questions. Does Elvis get treated better than me?

>> He's dead, sir.