Original subtitles

Aaaaaah!

That... was... awesome!

I'm going again! - No!

I think I barfed in the nether-dimension before we landed.

Is my barf just going to float out there forever?

Is someone gonna fly through my barf when they use the portal?

Ugh, stop saying "barf."

And where's Michael?

He's not coming.

He sacrificed himself to save me.

The last thing I saw was Shawn grabbing him.

Was it a nice grab or a bad grab?

A bad grab.

Like, a nice, bad grab, or a mean bad grab?

No Michael and no Janet.

Didn't even get to say a proper goodbye.

Not even a mere "toodle-loo."

We're on our own.

We have to handle this ourselves.

Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge

so...

where's the Judge?

All I see is a burrito.

Do you think it's a test?

Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it

or... or we eat it together, or... or... maybe...

maybe it's a test to see how long we can go without eating it.

I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it.

Unless...

the burrito is the Judge.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous.

Judges aren't food. Judges are serious people

who wear long silk nightgowns and big white powdered wigs.

Eh-eh...

he could be right.

- What? - Really?

I don't know.

I'm just saying, we've certainly seen weirder things

than an all-knowing burrito.

We can't take any chances.

Hello, Your Excellency. My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

We doth seek thine judgment.

We've traveled a long distance to see you, O great one...

What are you guys looking at?

Hi.

I'm the Judge. That's a burrito.

What's up, guys?

Yeah, I did not think I had a case today.

The paperwork should have shown up by now

unless, you guys just, like, came here?

Wait, did you guys just come here?

Oh, my God.

You guys are bad.

Which one is the worst one of you?

Is it you, glasses?

Oh, I bet it's you.

OK, yeah... well, we did just sort of "show up"

but we had to, we were escaping the Bad Place.

Mm-hm. - Which now that I think about it

there might be some demons following us.

Oh, don't worry about that. Any time anyone shows up in my chambers

the portal is sealed until I issue my ruling.

So, you guys can relax.

Get comfortable.

A classic St Crispin's Day Garden Party Frock.

Wait - is it after 4PM?

Not important.

Let's have a look at your files.

Wait, you don't already know everything about us?

You're not omniscient?

Well, not in the way you mean.

I try to learn as little as I can about the events of humankind

so I can remain impartial, cos I'm a judge, yada-yada-yada.

That being said, sometimes I get bored and I cheat a little bit.

I've been bingeing Ken Burns' "Vietnam" recently.

It's OK.

I mean, I'm immortal

but that thing is loooong!

You know what I'm saying?

Anyway, your petition is denied, I can't hear your case.

Please exit to the rear.

What?

I just absorbed the entirety of your existences

and I just want to say, you guys are so cute.

And the thing is

you didn't file any paperwork, and you have no advocate

and the rules say I gotta... pbfft!

Send you back.

Your honour.

Please hear our case.

You frankly wouldn't believe what we have been through

just to be here today.

I mean, I would, because I just learned everything about you

but keep talking, I am, like, obsessed with your accent.

We have made so much progress

and all we ask is an audience with you, to prove it.

Is that not your very purpose? To weigh in on matters such as ours?

To paraphrase a song written by my godfather -

"Hey Judge, don't make it bad."

"Take a sad group, and make us better."

Say "aluminum."

"Alu-minnium."

I love that!

And I love your passion.

I mean, it takes a lot of guts to just show up here unannounced.

Plus, I haven't had a case in, like, 30 years

and I'm super bored.

So, it's either this or start "Bloodline"

and I don't know

I just don't feel like I can see Kyle Chandler as anyone else

but Coach Taylor.

Ssssso, the case?

Right!

Let's do it.

You had one job. Torture four bad people forever.

Not only did you fail, you're a traitor.

You really junked your jeans on this one, you butterface.

I did what I had to do.

Oh, you ha d to junk your jeans?

How could you betray your own kind like this?

Who taught you how to turn a human inside out

by reaching down their throat and grabbing their butt from the inside?

You did. - You got that right, sister.

And this is how you repay me.

Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture.

You never cared about me.

In the words of one of my actual friends -

"Ya basic!"

It's a human insult.

It's devastating.

You're devastated right now.

The point is...

the four of them are in front of the Judge

and the Good Janet has escaped too

you'll never find her.

Oh, you mean this...

Good Janet?

I found her in, like, two seconds.

She was wandering the halls being polite to people.

Like a chump.

So, I marble-ised her.

Keep her if you want.

Maybe shove it up your weiner for safekeeping. I don't know.

It's up to you. - Poor Janet.

She was a good friend.

Friend?

What kind of monster aren't you?

I'm going to give each of you a test

to see how much progress you've made

and if I deem you fit to be in the Good Place

then... zoop!

Up you go!

Well, actually, sort of... that way. Zurp!

Great. Can we be tested together as a group?

Yeah, we all need to be able to cheat off Chidi.

Oh! That's why your name is "Chidi."

I get it now.

I'm sorry, cuties. The tests have to be individual.

Well, can we be graded as a group then?

The only reason we've come this far is because we've helped each other.

And I don't think anything's gonna feel like the Good Place

if we're not together.

So, if you all pass, you're in.

And if even one of you fails, you're all effed.

Right?

Terrible idea.

I mean, truly awful.

You are very lucky that I cannot send you to the Bad Idea Place

because that one is a stanker.

But whatever blows your dress up. I mean, am I right?

Hold on.

Guys, whatever these tests might be, we can hack it.

I mean, think about all the scary stuff we've seen.

All the times we were almost captured by demons.

And worst of all, the time that Chidi told us

when we finished a book, we'd get a treat

and the treat turned out to be another book.

Books can be treats.

I am not having this argument again.

Point is, we got this.

We are Team Cockroach. We can pass these tests.

I believe in us.

We'll start with Jason.

Oh, no. We're doomed. - Ugh!

Oh, sorry, I mean - good luck!

Jason... - Present!

Good.

In front of you is a video game system loaded with Madden football.

Are you kidding me? I'm the best at Madden.

I call Jaguars!

As I was about to tell you

you can only play against the Jaguars...

No!

using their archrivals, the Tennessee Titans. - No!

If you play the game and you lose...

Oh! I'm gonna win.

Say no more, scary Judge lady.

Tell my friends their souls are in good hands.

Oh, no! I fumbled the kickoff!

Titans suck!

"Tahani." It's such a pretty name.

My name is super boring

Jen.

Which is short for "hydrogen"

which was the only thing that was in existence at the time that I was born.

Anywho...

all you have to do is go through there

walk down the hallway, and through the red door at the end.

That's it? That's my test? - Yup!

Oh, also, everyone in every room that you pass

is going to be discussing what they truly think about you.

OK, have fun!

Oh, I see.

It's a test of my ability to not care what people think of me.

Oh, no!

So, just to be clear, you actually rebooted them over 800 times.

And all of these reports of their "torture" are completely fake?

Yes. But, frankly, this is on you.

A lot of those details I just took directly from Stephen King novels

and episodes of "Pretty Little Liars."

Just tell me why. Why would you do this?

It's not like I planned it!

I was just trying to prove that humans could be made to torture each other.

Instead, they helped each other, and got better.

They were bad people - this is not supposed to be possible.

So, the only explanation is that somehow

there was a mistake made, and these people belong in the Good Place.

No, they don't, idiot.

Shawn, this is not fair. - Pfft.

"Fair" is the stupidest word humans ever invented.

Except for... "stay-cation." - Ew.

Look, those four humans are good people

and they deserve a "stay-cation"

in the Good Place, and I bet the Judge will feel the same way.

I doubt she even hears their case.

But if she does...

one of them will screw it up, they always do.

I'm sick of smelling this guy's lumpy white ass.

Can we get rid of him already? - Yep. It's time.

Follow me.

OK. Eleanor and Chidi.

Looks like you guys are up.

At the same time?

Yup!

Trippy, right?

There is no test. You guys are in!

We're... "in?" What does that mean?

You guys have made great strides and you've made it to the Good Place.

Congrats.

Take these medallions

and go right through that portal and you're there in a jiff.

We made it. - We made it.

Holy crap!

Whoo!

All those ethics lessons paid off.

Whoever said philosophy was stupid?

You! You did

many times, as recently as this morning.

Whoo! - But... but you also worked really hard

and you deserve this.

You really do.

Here's the thing though, it's just the two of you.

Tahani and Jason didn't make it.

I'm giving them tests right now to determine where they belong

within the Bad Place.

So, you might want to reconsider that "judge us together" thing

cos if you stick to that, you're all going down.

Now, you can wait here to say your goodbyes

or you can just take off now.

It's totally up to you guys.

I am so hungry. Why am I so hungry?

Oh my... I'm such an idiot. I forgot to eat my burrito

and I was so hungry, too. What a dork.

OK, obviously this is the test, right?

I bet the Judge gave Jason and Tahani the same offer

and whichever couple takes it actually loses

and the other two get in for real.

Oh, diabolical.

Hey, Judge

we figured out what you're really... - Nope!

Tahani and Jason have not been given the same offer.

Here, take a look.

Tahani's test is to walk down a hallway

and not get tempted by her gossiping friends.

Jason is playing video games.

Oh. OK, cool.

Sorry, I... I feel weird saying this to an almighty Judge

but you have hot sauce on your chin.

Thank you.

It's actually not hot sauce.

It's "envy."

Or the concept of envy.

It's really good on Mexican food, it gives it a little kick.

OK, so what do we do?

Oh, no. That was your "moral quandary" grimace.

Which is different from your "gas pain" grimace.

And different from your "someone said 'from whence it came'"

"instead of 'whence it came'" grimace.

So, spit it out, man!

Well, if... if this isn't a test

then it's something way worse.

What? - A choice!

That we have to make. - Yeah

you know, why can't one part

of the calculation of our eternal fate be easy?

I don't know.

Quevenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking

in the same room, discussing me?

I guess they must have made up.

Focus...

There'll be Fergies a-plenty in the Good Place.

I don't know where we went wrong with Tahani.

I know. She is such a disappointment

compared to her sister.

Hello, Father.

Hello, Mother.

Oh! Hello, Tahani.

We were just talking about how you're a huge disappointment

compared to your sister.

Have a seat. We'd love to get your take.

How's it going in here? - I'm losing by three.

Meditating to calm myself down.

I'd be winning by like a million if I could play as the Jags

instead of playing against the Jags

I hate scoring against my own favourite team.

But you already knew that.

Because this is the test!

Yeah, that's not a revelation or something.

I explained that very clearly.

It's nice to see you, Tahani.

Apparently, wherever you've been, they've been keeping you well-fed.

You know, I've actually risked quite a lot to be in this room right now

so if you could just not be cruel for maybe 30 seconds

that would be lovely.

Apologies. It's been a while since we've seen you.

We have so much to tell you about your sister!

We've just heard the most wonderful news

Kamilah dedicated her last album to you.

Really? - Well...

she dedicated it to her fans, and you're one of her fans.

The whole point of this afterlife test

is that everyone in these rooms is supposed to be talking about me

and yet even in this scenario, you are still talking about Kamilah!

Which is exactly the point.

I was never going to be enough for you

never going to earn your respect.

You know, I have done things that you would never have approved of.

I died dressed as someone in the service industry

I shagged a Floridian, I even ate a Cheeto.

That's right.

I ate a lumpy witch's finger

made of neon orange corn foam.

Chewing it was deafening.

And it's the happiest I have ever been.

Don't get upset, dear.

You barely fit in that dress

and I'm afraid you're going to "Hulk out" as it were.

OK.

I'm sorry we didn't have a better relationship.

And I wish you the both the best.

Alright, idiot. Any last words?

Just go ahead and retire me already.

Oh, you're not getting retired, Michael.

I'm not? - No.

Retirement is a spectacle.

Everyone would see the flaming ladles go down your throat

everyone would hear your eternal shrieks of agony

blah, blah, blah. Then they'd ask me what you did.

I don't need that kind of scrutiny right now.

So, I'm just going to throw you in this unmarked room

for the rest of eternity.

And since it seems you love humans so much, I'll torture you like one.

All you'll have for entertainment is that giant stack

of New Yorker Magazines.

Oh, come on. You and I both know I'll never read those.

Of course you won't.

But they'll just keep coming.

Goodbye, Michael.

We will leave you with one of Bad Janet's classic farts.

The smell will linger for ten million years.

Alright! Here comes the boom!

Oh, wait... actually

before I absolutely let it rip

I just have one more thing I have to do.

What?

It's me! Good Janet! - Janet?

I thought you were a marble. - That was a trick!

I realised if we wanted our friends to have any chance of survival

I had to learn how to do a lot of bad things, really quickly.

So, I did!

Now I'm ready to go back to being nice again.

Ugh! What happened?

OK, now I'll be nice again.

Could you please stop doing that?

It helps me think.

We've been through every argument

contractualist, Kantian, "what would Superman do?"

"What would Rihanna do?"

Are we missing anything?

Hit me, right now with your most obscure, boring-est

old-white-dude-with-a-long-wizard-beard mumbo-jumbo.

OK, our friends are going to the Bad Place.

And us choosing to go with them won't lessen their suffering.

So...

morally

we're allowed to go.

But let's forget about the ethics for a second.

After everything that's happened, don't we deserve to be together...

and happy, for once?

- Judge? - Have you made your decision?

Yeah.

We're not going to the Good Place.

I mean, that was never actually an option

but for the sake of your test, we're not going.

What do you mean?

Well, I was 99% sure that going was the wrong move

but since our whole relationship has been me being sure of something

and Chidi explaining why I was wrong

I owed it to him to quadruple-check.

The capper came when I realised, that ain't Chidi.

The Chidi I know wouldn't argue that he should be rewarded

while his friends got punished

and he would never "forget about ethics for a second."

I don't know who this joker is, but it's not Chidi Anagonye.

Wait, but what about the...?

Well done, Eleanor.

You can take a seat and wait for the others.

And can I have that medallion back? Cos it's actually a coaster, for my sodas.

Mm-hm.

Where is the real Chidi, though? Is he OK?

He's still taking his test.

OK, this is ridiculous. Um...

I'm just gonna choose...

brown.

Gray's the obvious choice, which is probably why I shouldn't choose it.

Brown. Nope. Gray.

Nope. Brown. Brown hat.

Alright, fun stuff.

Yeah. - Yeah?

Feeling good?

Very. Yeah. - I think so, yes.

Great.

You're all going to the Bad Place.

OK, um...

if I was the one who failed, could you at least tell me why I failed

for my own edification?

I too would like to know if I failed.

I didn't fail, so go ahead, tell them what you want.

Last second field goal, won by three.

Pretty dope.

Chidi.

It took you 82 minutes to choose a hat.

But did I at least choose the right one?

There is no right one. They're hats.

Come on, man!

Tahani, you skipped a lot of rooms that I thought would entice you

but you weren't supposed to open any doors

and you couldn't resist confronting your parents.

Sorry, everyone.

But now that I failed

can I go back in and talk to Winston Churchill and Freddie Mercury?

No.

Jason, your test was about impulse control

and you showed great improvements.

But you never asked if you could opt not to play.

I mean, you basically told me

an all-knowing Judge, to just shut up and go away.

Do you realise how insane that is?

Not as insane as picking off the greatest quarterback of all time

Blake Bortles, to set-up a last-second game-winning field goal.

Now, Eleanor's test was about her selfishness

and she actually... - I failed.

I shoved an old lady down the stairs to get to the raw bar...

because I'm a shrimp fiend

so, we all failed, let's not dwell on it.

Alright. Shall we?

Oh, I am gonna miss you guys.

I made a little video of our time together.

♪ Did you e ver kno w tha t you 're my hero? ♪

Oh, look! There we are!

You know, I thought I'd have a stomachache right now, but weirdly...

♪ And e verything I would like... ♪

...I do.

There's my guy.

What? - Doesn't matter.

I'm gonna miss you, bud.

Every time they pull my eyeballs out through my mouth, I'll think of you.

I'm gonna frame that one.

We gave it our best shot, guys.

I say we go through the portal

get a good night's sleep

come back fresh in the morning.

Try again.

Oh, Jason.

I feel like you always understand about 20% of what's happening.

Thanks. - Sure.

♪ You are the wind... ♪

I mean, look at us.

♪...beneath my wings. ♪

Ah, good times.

Alright, off to eternal damnation!

Do you hear something?

Oh!

Hey, guys! How you been?