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Unless we come together as a country and realize that refugees from Syria

should be considered in need…

Refugees from Syria

should be considered in need of international protection.

The vast majority of refugees from Syria

are likely to meet refugee status criteria,

and they should benefit from…

Liar.

Instead of booing my opinion, make a constructive argument!

I’m not booing your opinion. I’m booing your report topic.

No one even knows what a refugee is.

Mr. Garrison, can you do something about this, please?

Sorry, Wendy. Very nicely done.

Next report. Let’s have Peter Mullen.

Jesus!

My report is on the vial and despicable trash

that our parents are watching on TV.

Fellow students,

there’s a plague of smut on our cable boxes.

Shows that feature reenactments

of unsolved crimes and spousal homicides.

I’m talking, of course, about…

murder porn.

– Murder porn? – That’s more like it.

According to the Nielsen ratings, viewership in Cold Case Files,

Dateline Murder and Deadly Affairs is skyrocketing among married couples.

The increased viewership has brought about new shows

that use graphic sex and innuendo to make spousal murder more titillating.

Shows like Southern Fried Homicide,

Sinful Secrets, On The Case With Paula Zahn.

And it’s all smut and garbage and it’s trash!

Your parents are watching this stuff.

Go ask them.

And as we ask them, we must also ask ourselves:

if they’re obsessed with this stuff, then how long?

How long before one of our daddies dresses up in lingerie

and bashes Mommy’s head in with a brick?

Crap! Who could that be?

It’s probably fucking Stan.

Hang on a second, bud.

Come on in.

What’s up?

His wife is having sex with the neighbor.

And when her husband comes home,

he wants more than just a divorce.

You’re watching murder porn?

Murder porn?

This is an investigative crime show.

Adults like documentaries.

These are based on real things.

This is like news. It’s informative.

Parents like informative stuff.

We missed the murder! Did he cut them up?

– What’s up? – You know Aaron Hagan?

The first-grader?

Come down to his house. His dad just killed his mom.

That kid should not be seeing this.

– What happened? – You’re making a mistake!

Let me go. It wasn’t me, I tell you!

A burglar broke in! He was black!

The one who stabbed that nagging bitch in her fat face.

He was black!

I know we’re all concerned, but we have to work together.

How is this stuff allowed to stay on the air?

The police found hours and hours of murder porn on the Hagans’ DVR.

What more proof do we need?

I called the network about the smut, and you know what they told me?

That if I didn’t want them watching, I should spend more time with them.

Like it’s my fault!

It’s the result of a broken society in which profit comes before morals!

Look, everybody. I know we all feel our hands are tied.

But the fact is we can do something about this.

There’s an app which allows kids to block things on television.

And it’s protected with a security code that only a child would know.

Tonight at 10:00,

it’s a tale of lust, seduction and murder,

on Sexy Betrayals.

Then at 7:00, some like their murder with a side of sexy biscuits,

on Southern Fried Homicide.

But now, get ready for lust, betrayal and murder

on Hot Load Case Files.

Three of the best shows in a row!

– Is the lube over there? – I got lube right here.

Get over here, big guy.

What the hell?

We aren’t getting our informative murder porn.

None of our murder porn channels appear to be working.

The screen just says, “How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?”

We do have children.

A what?

A parental lock?

How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?

What’s Minecraft? How do you tame a horse in it?

You don’t need to watch that stuff.

You can’t block your parents from watching informative murder porn!

You think if we watch married people killing each other, we’ll do it?

That’s stupid!

I’m not gonna go out and kill your mom because of Investigation Discovery.

It’d be impossible to clear away the DNA evidence anyway.

Even if I hired someone to kill her, I’d have to kill them too,

because 96% of the time, they eventually tell the truth.

I thought this through!

You’re a lousy kid! I wish Jaden Smith was my son!

Who do our children think they are, blocking our TV content?

How can they do this with their smartphones?

It’s all right.

Our kids think they outsmarted us, but we pay the cable company.

Can they remove the parental lock?

They did their usual cable company runaround.

We’ll see about this!

Excuse me, our content is being blocked, and we need it now!

Sorry, sir, if you need it now, you should switch to another company.

There’s not another cable company, is there?

That’s right. We’re the only one in town.

If our kids can block content, you must be able to block them.

As we told the other, sir, we can.

We just send a technician to your house to change out your cable box.

Great.

We need a window of time you can be home.

How about between 6 am and 3 pm all of November?

I can’t wait around my house from 6 am to 3 pm all of November!

You can’t? That’s too bad.

You need to be home for the technician.

How about switching to DirecTV?

I can’t afford it.

You can’t?

Geez, that’s terrible.

You’ll just have to work within our time windows.

Any luck?

Just the usual cable company stuff.

Guess we’ll have to live without our informative crime dramas.

Screw that!

Can we learn this Minecraft game to get around our kids’ parental lock?

I’ve tried. It’s not like other video games.

I don’t get it. It was all retro and like Legos.

Kids online called me a griefer and kicked me off.

We can learn.

There’s a child.

Word is that he’ll teach Minecraft to anybody for the right price.

Cory Lanskin?

We heard that…

you’re willing to teach Minecraft to adults?

Fuck off!

We were told you’re available for hire, and we’re desperate.

You was told wrong.

I’m a simple kid with a simple passion for simple things.

We have 100 ounces of silver.

Wipe your feet and turn off your cellphones.

We’re going to select an empty world.

Selecting an empty world will begin you being dropped onto a beach.

You’re free to roam around and start punching trees.

– Punching trees? – Why would we punch trees?

Just use your fucking brain. How do you get wood?

– How do you get wood? – Watching informative murder porn?

In this Minecraft forest, how do you get wood?

Punching trees?

Right.

You punch the trees to get the wood. You get the wood to build a cabin.

I see.

– When does the game start? – This is the game!

– I don’t get it. – Because you think like a dad.

Minecraft, it don’t got no winner.

It don’t got no objective.

You’re just building shit and seeing if other things can knock it down.

Now, let’s click on the inventory and let’s filter through the skins.

– I’m getting it now. – You are?

It’s getting late. Let’s just go to sleep.

I almost got it.

I found the horse. Just gotta figure out how to tame one.

I’m not in the mood now anyway.

I miss being intimate with you.

Everything was so passionate, and it just dropped off.

I feel like we’re losing our bond.

We don’t have to have sex for our relationship to be good.

I know, but it’s like we’re just good friends.

A marriage has to be more than that.

It has to include fulfillment of fantasy and desire sometimes.

Magnacube? What the hell is that?

I’m going to sleep.

I’ll wake you up if we get our murder porn back.

There he is.

The parental lock isn’t working. Our parents are watching murder porn.

How do you know?

I caught my parents over Bebe’s house watching Seductive Homicides.

But Bebe got the lock from the cable company!

I walked in on my parents watching Marital Murder Mayhem.

They broke the parental lock somehow.

That’s impossible. You guys set it up right?

You guys!

Better get over here.

Butter’s dad killed his mom.

What happened?

I was out by the lake last night, and I saw my dad out in this field.

He was harvesting sugarcane.

It didn’t make any sense, because he had a hammer.

I saw him take my mom up to the top of this big thing he had built.

I yelled, “Watch out for the creepers,” but she fell!

Wait. You mean in Minecraft?

Then my dad went berserk, came over and threw me down a well!

I was trapped down there all night!

– Your dad threw you down a well? – In Minecraft.

What the hell is that?

I was able to hoist myself out, and there was my dad,

frozen in the lake.

He had no idea how to swim out of it.

Oh God, it was so terrible!

That’s it.

That’s how our parents broke the pass code.

I never thought anyone would stoop so low.

What do you mean?

Somebody’s teaching our parents Minecraft.

Had an incident last night. You saw or heard anything?

What happened?

Someone broke into your next door neighbor’s backyard

and dug up a bunch of holes and punched his trees.

Punched his trees?

And across the street, someone dug up the yard and built a cabin.

That’s weird.

– What were you doing last night? – I was just playing Mine…

my banjo.

I play the banjo too.

Thanks for your time.

Keep the lights on in your yard tonight,

in case someone tries to build a cabin on it as well.

Will do, Officer.

Calm down. I know we’re all concerned.

Concerned?

Thanks to your stupid app,

parents are still watching murder porn, and now screwing up Minecraft too!

I spent three hours last night,

trying to get Tweek’s parents to stop griefing my castle.

When I got away from them,

I found they had taken all my dandelions.

Why did we agree to that stupid app?

You know why!

We’re trying to keep our parents from watching murder porn.

Why?

Because one kid’s dad killed his mom?

For all we know, they were doing drugs and cheating on each other for years!

Maybe murder porn had nothing to do with it.

I agree with Cartman.

Maybe we overreacted when the parents…

It’s true.

Maybe we need to trust our parents won’t act out what they see.

That’s enough.

Come on out. There won’t be any trouble.

Give it up, Stotch. You have nowhere to run.

I’ll never give up!

I don’t even remember doing this! Just leave me alone!

Nice one, Stotch!

Your castle fucking sucks!

Go to hell, you griefer!

All right, we have to do something.

Cory Lanskin?

We heard you might be teaching Minecraft to adults.

Whassa Minecraft?

We’re trying to keep our parents away from graphic television shows.

It’s a matter of life and death!

Please, don’t be angry. My mommy always angry.

”Back in the meat locker!”

Ouchie, ouchie! Mommy rape my no-no!

But she loves me, right? Mommy loves me?

All right, sorry. I guess we have the wrong house.

– What, dude? – Something he said.

Did you hear him?

He said, “Ouchie, ouchie, mommy rape my no-no.”

So?

If I’d been caught lying, that’s exactly what I would have said.

Now that you built a workbench,

it’s time to build something to take care of those fucking sheep.

Stop thinking with your grown-up brains and start using your…

Shit!

Son of a bitch!

There are enough griefers in the world without our parents being shown this!

Kids need to make a living, don’t we?

You have no idea what this is about.

Minecraft was used to block our parents from spousal homicide shows.

Like Investigation Discovery?

– So you know it. – I’ve seen that stuff.

Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry?, True Crime With Aphrodite Jones.

Real sick shit. Your parents watch that stuff?

We put a stop to it, until you taught them Minecraft.

Your problem ain’t with me.

One or two people might act out what they see in video games,

but cable television…

People copy everything they see people do on cable.

You’re going about this all wrong.

You wanna protect your family,

you’ll have to go fight the cable company.

Can I help you?

There are certain networks we see as harmful to our families,

and we want them removed, please.

You don’t want cable any more?

Just ID Network, A&E, Oxygen and Oprah’s Network.

The ones with murder porn.

You don’t like paying for all the channels?

Our company actually packages channels together.

Can you unpackage them, so we only get the channels we want?

I’m sorry. Our company doesn’t work that way.

You want me to give you the number of a different cable company that can…

Wait, we’re it, aren’t we?

Dang it. You’ll have to deal with our packages.

Can we talk to your supervisor?

Sure. Hey, David!

Is there a problem here?

We want specific networks dropped from our cable.

You have to pay for the bundle, not just for what you wanna watch.

Darn it!

We’re forced to pay for the Oprah Channel?

If you don’t wanna be forced to pay for Oprah,

you’ll have to shut off your cable altogether.

Fine! We’ll shut our cable off altogether!

Mitch, when can you get out to shut off some cable boxes?

It’s gonna be like three weeks.

There’s a whole plug I have to pull out. It’s like four-inches long.

Three weeks, huh?

Is three weeks OK with you guys?

That’s way too long!

– It is? – Geez, that’s terrible!

I just don’t want my parents to murder each other!

Can’t you see we’re just trying to keep our families safe?

I don’t know if seeing couples murder each other on TV

will make our parents do it.

And we won’t stop them from watching what they wanna watch.

We’re just trying to make it more difficult for them,

because cable makes it so convenient.

If they didn’t have easy access to it, they’d be bummed out,

but it’s not just our responsibility to give them what they want, is it?

Say that last part again?

The last part you said?

It’s not our responsibility to give them what they want…

The part about not getting the channels easily.

I said it would really bum them out.

How much would it bum them out?

Ladies and gentlemen, please stand by for a message

from the president of your local cable company.

In an effort to comfort the cries of children everywhere,

your local company has decided to drop all networks

that sexualize spousal homicides from regular programming.

Customers still wishing to view true crime networks

will now need to purchase a separate package,

which will require a technician

to service your cable box every night from 2 to 3 am,

and must include the purchase of 300 channels in Portuguese.

We realize this may be an inconvenience to you.

We hope you will voice all your concerns to us,

because at your local cable company, the customer is always…

our bitch.

Jaden Smith lets his parents do whatever they want.

The guys at work took a bet on who would win in a fight,

and they all said Jaden Smith can kick your ass.

He does movies and he can sing, and he’s totally cool to his parents.

Maybe you should go live with Jaden Smith.

I wish I could!

I wish I could, so I could be rich!

I wouldn’t have to live in a boring sexless marriage

where all your mom and I do is piss each other off!

Crap.

– I’m sorry. – No, you’re right.

Without any sex, we get madder and madder at each other.

No, you’re right.

We don’t need informative murder porn to find passion in our marriage.

We just have to get the spark back.

Let’s go away somewhere, me and you.

Somewhere exciting and beautiful where we can focus on us.

Are you here?

– I’m here. – It’s beautiful, isn’t it?

Come over here. I built us a fire.

Look what I got you.

Diamonds. They’re beautiful.

Just thought I’d surprise you. And there’s more where that came from.

I’ve got a surprise for you too.

What’s that?

– What the effing fuck was that? – Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

You stuck a pickax into my skull!

I did! That felt really great!

Felt great?

Hold on, stay by the lake. I wanna kill you now.

You put that sword right through my face!

That felt so good!

– My turn again. – Hang on.

I’ve always thought about murdering you in your sleep.

– Can you get in bed in the cabin? – I’m heading there now.

You lazy jerk! You never do anything around the house!

You bitch!

– I love you. – I love you too, babe.