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00:00:24,144 --> 00:00:33,324
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
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00:00:43,839 --> 00:00:46,198
Stop whatever you're doing, bud!
3
00:00:46,289 --> 00:00:48,647
We're having a crazy golf
championship in the medilab.
4
00:00:48,648 --> 00:00:49,729
It's going to be insane!
5
00:00:50,002 --> 00:00:51,760
I don't think so!
6
00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:54,201
You won't say that when you
see the course. It's amazing!
7
00:00:54,202 --> 00:00:56,561
Best hole's the fourth,
on the autopsy table.
8
00:00:58,201 --> 00:01:00,320
The bath-lift takes
you up to the tee.
9
00:01:00,321 --> 00:01:02,680
Out of bounds marked
by the commode cushions.
10
00:01:02,681 --> 00:01:04,681
You have to land your drive
over the bunion plasters
11
00:01:04,682 --> 00:01:06,920
in-between
the two kidney donor dishes.
12
00:01:06,921 --> 00:01:10,201
Then a straight shot into the medical
students' practice rectum.
13
00:01:12,241 --> 00:01:14,480
Not now, man.
Can't you see I'm cooking?
14
00:01:14,481 --> 00:01:16,560
Steak? What is it, pork?
15
00:01:16,561 --> 00:01:19,360
I found a deep-freeze down on
B Deck, next to Kryten's quarters.
16
00:01:19,361 --> 00:01:21,920
Enough for me?
Just one steak, one chop, one rib.
17
00:01:21,921 --> 00:01:23,840
Great! Just enough!
18
00:01:23,841 --> 00:01:26,121
Catch you later. Hey!
19
00:01:28,641 --> 00:01:31,481
I'm loving this pork!
20
00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:35,640
Maybe needs a little more soy sauce.
21
00:01:35,641 --> 00:01:37,321
Oww!
22
00:01:41,481 --> 00:01:44,400
Lister, I've been meaning to say...
23
00:01:44,401 --> 00:01:48,120
Books? You've been reading
again, haven't you?
24
00:01:48,121 --> 00:01:50,400
Lister, I've told you
a million times,
25
00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:52,121
don't read, it messes you up.
26
00:01:53,401 --> 00:01:56,200
It's like giving a hamster,
who's only used to his little wheel,
27
00:01:56,201 --> 00:01:58,200
the keys to an Aston Martin.
28
00:01:58,201 --> 00:02:00,600
Crazy things are going to happen.
29
00:02:00,601 --> 00:02:03,200
It's part of my robotics course -
I've got to read it.
30
00:02:03,201 --> 00:02:05,840
Makes you feel so inadequate.
31
00:02:05,841 --> 00:02:07,400
You know Mozart was only five
32
00:02:07,401 --> 00:02:09,920
when he wrote
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star?
33
00:02:09,921 --> 00:02:13,040
I wasn't even toilet-trained
when I was five.
34
00:02:13,041 --> 00:02:15,201
You've barely mastered it now.
35
00:02:16,401 --> 00:02:19,480
How did these people get to
be so great? I mean, Shakespeare.
36
00:02:19,481 --> 00:02:22,240
I don't understand anything he
wrote, but, man, what a dude!
37
00:02:22,241 --> 00:02:25,320
Plays, poems,
and a whole bunch of expressions.
38
00:02:25,321 --> 00:02:27,281
"A dish fit for a king" -
that was Shakespeare.
39
00:02:27,282 --> 00:02:28,720
What a great expression!
40
00:02:28,721 --> 00:02:30,960
Is it, though?
Is it a great expression?
41
00:02:30,961 --> 00:02:33,199
"A dish fit for a king?"
I say that all the time.
42
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,481
"This is a dish fit for a king!"
That's a great expression.
43
00:02:35,482 --> 00:02:38,840
I love that expression. Shakespeare,
you've got to hand it to him.
44
00:02:38,841 --> 00:02:41,360
He could really write
a good expression.
45
00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:43,560
Who couldn't have thought of that?
46
00:02:43,561 --> 00:02:46,720
"In a pickle" - that was another
Shakespeare expression.
47
00:02:46,721 --> 00:02:49,880
"In a pickle." How brilliant is
that? You know what it means?
48
00:02:49,881 --> 00:02:55,760
As confused as the mixed-up, stewed,
spicy vegetables in a pickle jar.
49
00:02:55,761 --> 00:02:57,280
And how are we supposed to know
50
00:02:57,281 --> 00:03:00,120
what the inside of a 16th-century
pickle jar looks like?
51
00:03:00,121 --> 00:03:01,760
And how is that relevant
52
00:03:01,761 --> 00:03:05,360
to our non-pickly lives
here in deep space today?
53
00:03:05,361 --> 00:03:07,120
When will people learn?
54
00:03:07,121 --> 00:03:09,521
Shakespeare, it's over!
55
00:03:11,001 --> 00:03:12,600
The money that guy must have made
56
00:03:12,601 --> 00:03:14,961
out of a few lousy expressions
and a bad haircut.
57
00:03:15,961 --> 00:03:17,280
Bad haircut?
58
00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:19,920
Don't tell me you haven't
noticed his bad haircut?
59
00:03:19,921 --> 00:03:23,040
But because he's had a few hit
expressions, he gets away with it.
60
00:03:23,041 --> 00:03:26,560
What's wrong with his haircut?
He's got a skullet.
61
00:03:26,561 --> 00:03:28,760
A skull what?
62
00:03:28,761 --> 00:03:30,881
A bald mullet - a skullet.
63
00:03:32,481 --> 00:03:34,601
Bald at the front,
mullet at the back.
64
00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:38,001
You wouldn't want to go out
in public with this guy.
65
00:03:38,002 --> 00:03:40,680
Sirs, the most incredible news!
66
00:03:40,681 --> 00:03:43,760
Someone's died, and you've
been left a new mop? Ohh!
67
00:03:43,761 --> 00:03:45,760
Please, sir, give me some credit.
68
00:03:45,761 --> 00:03:48,400
I'm not the one-dimensional
cleaning droid I once was.
69
00:03:48,401 --> 00:03:51,640
I've evolved into something
far more complex and multi-layered
70
00:03:51,641 --> 00:03:53,721
and, if I may say so, superior.
71
00:03:55,481 --> 00:03:58,480
Stain. Where?
Smudge. Oh, where?!
72
00:03:58,481 --> 00:04:01,560
Smear. Oh!
Speck. Oh, speck!
73
00:04:01,561 --> 00:04:03,321
Smeg. Smeg. Smeg!
74
00:04:05,401 --> 00:04:07,160
The crates were in transit, sir.
75
00:04:07,161 --> 00:04:09,800
I opened the first one and found
this. What is it?
76
00:04:09,801 --> 00:04:12,160
It's a rejuvenation shower, sir.
77
00:04:12,161 --> 00:04:14,400
It rewinds each individual's genome
78
00:04:14,401 --> 00:04:17,160
and returns the body
to any point in its past.
79
00:04:17,161 --> 00:04:20,200
It can restore you
to your physical prime.
80
00:04:20,201 --> 00:04:22,160
Oh, man, how great is that?
81
00:04:22,161 --> 00:04:24,440
I can go back to last Thursday!
82
00:04:24,441 --> 00:04:27,321
Ahh. What?
83
00:04:28,401 --> 00:04:31,400
It's Swedish. So?
84
00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:36,280
It's a flat-pack, self-assembly.
We have to build it ourselves.
85
00:04:36,281 --> 00:04:38,561
"With just an Allen key
and a Phillips screwdriver,
86
00:04:38,562 --> 00:04:41,160
"assembly should take
less than three hours."
87
00:04:41,161 --> 00:04:43,561
That's Swedish for a week.
88
00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:04,480
It's not a million miles away,
you know.
89
00:05:04,481 --> 00:05:07,001
What about all these spare parts
we didn't use?
90
00:05:08,201 --> 00:05:11,000
"Alignment bracket." What
the hell's an alignment bracket?
91
00:05:11,001 --> 00:05:12,921
Oh, look, we have taken
this thing apart
92
00:05:12,922 --> 00:05:14,921
and put it back together
a hundred times.
93
00:05:14,922 --> 00:05:16,240
It's aligned, all right?
94
00:05:16,241 --> 00:05:19,360
In what area is it not aligned?
In no area.
95
00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:21,880
It's good to go, it's aligned,
let's do it.
96
00:05:21,881 --> 00:05:23,480
Who's going to test it?
97
00:05:23,481 --> 00:05:26,640
Hmm, we need something unimportant
and meaningless. Listey, you're up.
98
00:05:26,641 --> 00:05:28,880
There might be something here.
99
00:05:28,881 --> 00:05:30,720
Bits of black plastic,
100
00:05:30,721 --> 00:05:33,360
bits of metal
that don't look important.
101
00:05:33,361 --> 00:05:35,080
Old battery.
102
00:05:35,081 --> 00:05:37,480
What we really need
is something organic,
103
00:05:37,481 --> 00:05:39,880
something alive,
something teeming with life.
104
00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:41,361
Oh, sir, what about your socks?
105
00:05:43,081 --> 00:05:45,201
Stand back, everyone.
They're coming through.
106
00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:50,201
OK, I'm rejuvenating the socks.
107
00:05:53,041 --> 00:05:54,760
Oh! The beams.
108
00:05:54,761 --> 00:05:57,140
We're getting covered in beamer
light.
109
00:05:57,172 --> 00:05:58,372
They're misaligned!
110
00:05:58,373 --> 00:06:01,812
That's what those alignment
brackets were... for!
111
00:06:02,892 --> 00:06:05,011
What's happened? Where are we?
112
00:06:05,012 --> 00:06:09,452
Damn cheap, Swedish, flat-pack,
self-assembly rejuvenation showers!
113
00:06:10,532 --> 00:06:12,012
Where the hell has it sent us?
114
00:06:12,013 --> 00:06:14,771
I fear we may have
time-travelled, sirs.
115
00:06:14,772 --> 00:06:18,091
And I told you those white plastic
clippy things were important!
116
00:06:18,092 --> 00:06:20,731
Trees! This may be Earth!
117
00:06:20,732 --> 00:06:23,491
Earth! It's always Earth
with you guys.
118
00:06:23,492 --> 00:06:25,371
You see some trees, it's Earth.
119
00:06:25,372 --> 00:06:26,971
Who's to say it isn't a planet
120
00:06:26,972 --> 00:06:29,571
entirely populated by
naked warrior cat babes
121
00:06:29,572 --> 00:06:31,651
who need me to make love
to them all?
122
00:06:31,652 --> 00:06:33,411
And what are the chances of that?
123
00:06:33,412 --> 00:06:36,571
If you've never had a dream,
you've never had a dream come true.
124
00:06:36,572 --> 00:06:38,331
Hmm.
125
00:06:38,332 --> 00:06:41,971
We're in a land called Albion, sirs.
Better known as Britain.
126
00:06:41,972 --> 00:06:44,411
And the year is 23 AD.
127
00:06:44,412 --> 00:06:47,891
23 AD. Weren't Britons
all nutters back then?
128
00:06:47,892 --> 00:06:51,251
Running round sporting blue tattoos,
out their heads on booze,
129
00:06:51,252 --> 00:06:53,491
fighting, vomiting and passing out?
130
00:06:53,492 --> 00:06:56,571
A phase that doesn't end
any time soon, sir.
131
00:06:56,572 --> 00:06:58,251
Maybe we can stay.
132
00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:01,211
We've got to get back to the Dwarf
and find Kochanski.
133
00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:02,771
Ah, no fear, sir.
134
00:07:02,772 --> 00:07:04,812
I have the returner remote
right here.
135
00:07:06,172 --> 00:07:08,411
Oh. It doesn't appear to be
functioning.
136
00:07:08,412 --> 00:07:10,292
Does it need a battery,
by any chance?
137
00:07:10,293 --> 00:07:12,372
Eight volts, about yay big.
138
00:07:13,612 --> 00:07:15,131
I'll tell you what.
139
00:07:15,132 --> 00:07:16,611
We'll make a battery.
140
00:07:16,612 --> 00:07:18,331
Out of what, trees and moss?
141
00:07:18,332 --> 00:07:20,851
Out of potatoes.
We did it at school.
142
00:07:20,852 --> 00:07:23,691
A potato, a copper coin
and an iron nail.
143
00:07:23,692 --> 00:07:25,971
We can make a one-volt battery.
144
00:07:25,972 --> 00:07:29,051
Make eight, connect them up, we've
got eight volts and can return home.
145
00:07:29,052 --> 00:07:32,451
Britain in 23 AD, sir,
doesn't have any potatoes
146
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,172
and won't get them until
the 16th century.
147
00:07:36,332 --> 00:07:39,691
Lemons! The exact same battery
but with lemons.
148
00:07:39,692 --> 00:07:43,411
Britain in 23 AD, sir,
doesn't have any lemons either.
149
00:07:43,412 --> 00:07:45,731
They won't get those
until the 14th century.
150
00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:47,411
He's getting closer.
151
00:07:47,412 --> 00:07:49,811
So, where's our nearest lemon?
152
00:07:49,812 --> 00:07:51,451
Best guess, sir, India.
153
00:07:51,452 --> 00:07:53,211
India? How far is that?
154
00:07:53,212 --> 00:07:55,051
4,000 miles, sir.
155
00:07:55,052 --> 00:07:57,571
If we walk briskly,
we'll get there in six months.
156
00:07:57,572 --> 00:07:59,051
Six months?!
157
00:07:59,052 --> 00:08:00,531
I can't wait.
158
00:08:00,532 --> 00:08:02,932
Well, we've got no choice
if we want to get home.
159
00:08:02,933 --> 00:08:06,531
Let's face it, sir.
We're in a real pickle.
160
00:08:06,532 --> 00:08:09,892
Mr Lister, sir. India is this way.
161
00:08:30,972 --> 00:08:32,692
Hey, it's a market.
162
00:08:53,212 --> 00:08:57,131
Ha-ha! I lived in the land of Albion
for ten full cycles of the moon,
163
00:08:57,132 --> 00:09:01,051
but I fled after my family were
dragged screaming from my home
164
00:09:01,052 --> 00:09:02,771
to a mighty wicker tower,
165
00:09:02,772 --> 00:09:05,971
where they were sacrificed
to the three gods,
166
00:09:05,972 --> 00:09:07,971
Toutatis, Esus and Taranis.
167
00:09:07,972 --> 00:09:11,131
First they were garrotted to death,
then they were burnt to death,
168
00:09:11,132 --> 00:09:12,532
then they were drowned to death.
169
00:09:12,533 --> 00:09:15,891
Three deaths to appease
the three gods.
170
00:09:15,892 --> 00:09:19,251
Then the druids drank their blood
and ate their meat
171
00:09:19,252 --> 00:09:22,012
and said the harvest
would be bountiful.
172
00:09:23,172 --> 00:09:25,292
Right. Have you got any lemons?
173
00:09:26,972 --> 00:09:29,332
They're a fruit -
they've not been launched in Europe,
174
00:09:29,333 --> 00:09:31,771
but I've heard
they've been released here.
175
00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:33,011
Ah, lemons!
176
00:09:33,012 --> 00:09:36,011
Oh! Found them! Citrus, citrus!
177
00:09:36,012 --> 00:09:38,011
We come from Albion, through Gaul,
178
00:09:38,012 --> 00:09:41,331
across half the Roman Empire,
Persia, Parthia,
179
00:09:41,332 --> 00:09:43,411
all for this very fruit.
180
00:09:43,412 --> 00:09:45,971
This one here? Is it famous?
181
00:09:45,972 --> 00:09:48,131
No, not that one in particular.
182
00:09:48,132 --> 00:09:50,771
We're in search of
lemons in general.
183
00:09:50,772 --> 00:09:52,971
We've walked 4,000 miles.
184
00:09:52,972 --> 00:09:54,331
How many do you want?
185
00:09:54,332 --> 00:09:55,971
Eight.
186
00:09:55,972 --> 00:09:57,731
Eight?
187
00:09:57,732 --> 00:10:00,691
You walked across half the known
world for eight lemons?
188
00:10:00,692 --> 00:10:04,372
You're right, that's absolutely
insane. Make it ten.
189
00:10:06,452 --> 00:10:09,211
Have you got a bag?
What's a bag?
190
00:10:09,212 --> 00:10:10,892
Bags haven't been invented yet, sir.
191
00:10:10,893 --> 00:10:15,051
In 23 AD, the rich
have satchels made of goat hide.
192
00:10:15,052 --> 00:10:16,532
So what did everyone else do?
193
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:18,651
They drop things, sir.
194
00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:22,411
Right, what next?
Apart from new feet.
195
00:10:22,412 --> 00:10:25,251
We need copper for the
positive electrode.
196
00:10:25,252 --> 00:10:27,012
Copper? Where are we going
to get copper?
197
00:10:27,013 --> 00:10:29,492
Isn't Britain famous for its copper?
198
00:10:30,612 --> 00:10:33,251
Ahh! No way!
199
00:10:33,252 --> 00:10:36,651
I said we needed a shopping list!
Didn't I say we need a list?
200
00:10:36,652 --> 00:10:39,811
Hang on!
Aren't copper coins made of copper?
201
00:10:39,812 --> 00:10:41,451
He's right!
202
00:10:41,452 --> 00:10:43,371
I think I read that somewhere.
203
00:10:43,372 --> 00:10:45,651
Then we've got copper.
204
00:10:45,652 --> 00:10:48,691
Hee-hee!
Next up, galvanised nails.
205
00:10:48,692 --> 00:10:50,451
And a shave!
206
00:10:50,452 --> 00:10:52,611
Da-da! Hey!
207
00:10:52,612 --> 00:10:56,171
Finally got the sphalerite ore
from a Chinese merchant.
208
00:10:56,172 --> 00:11:00,531
Three weeks for a few lousy nails?
Everything's so damn primitive here.
209
00:11:00,532 --> 00:11:03,531
You have to remember, sir, that many
things have yet to be discovered.
210
00:11:03,532 --> 00:11:07,131
In 23 AD, they still believed
the Earth was flat,
211
00:11:07,132 --> 00:11:09,731
that Tourette's and epilepsy
were caused by demons,
212
00:11:09,732 --> 00:11:13,811
and an oxen had a higher standing
in society than a woman.
213
00:11:13,812 --> 00:11:15,892
Where did the oxen go wrong?!
214
00:11:17,172 --> 00:11:19,971
They had it all
and just threw it all away.
215
00:11:19,972 --> 00:11:23,971
Also, did you know that the
colour purple is a luxury item?
216
00:11:23,972 --> 00:11:27,451
It's made from crushed seashells,
and only the very rich can afford it.
217
00:11:27,452 --> 00:11:29,091
Colour purple?
218
00:11:29,092 --> 00:11:31,611
What's wrong with just mixing
red stuff with blue stuff?
219
00:11:31,612 --> 00:11:35,011
They haven't discovered
that yet, sir. Really? Mm.
220
00:11:35,012 --> 00:11:36,331
Jesus!
221
00:11:36,332 --> 00:11:38,892
Yes? What?
222
00:11:43,332 --> 00:11:47,611
I'm sorry?
I'm just... talking to my mates here.
223
00:11:47,612 --> 00:11:50,452
Oh. My apologies. No worries.
224
00:11:52,612 --> 00:11:54,651
No way!
225
00:11:54,652 --> 00:11:58,371
It can't be, can it?
Don't look! Don't stare!
226
00:11:58,372 --> 00:12:01,651
23 AD - this is when
he was supposed to be alive.
227
00:12:01,652 --> 00:12:04,212
So how old would he be?
228
00:12:06,172 --> 00:12:08,731
Well, let's work it out, shall we?
229
00:12:08,732 --> 00:12:12,012
In 23 AD, he'd be...
230
00:12:26,452 --> 00:12:28,892
23.
231
00:12:30,532 --> 00:12:34,171
That's how old that guy looks.
What's he doing in India?
232
00:12:34,172 --> 00:12:37,251
Shouldn't he be in Nazareth
or somewhere, making tables?
233
00:12:37,252 --> 00:12:39,012
Maybe he's on his gap year.
234
00:12:40,612 --> 00:12:43,010
According to the Bible, sirs,
there was no sight of him
235
00:12:43,011 --> 00:12:45,092
from when he was a young child
to when he was 30.
236
00:12:45,093 --> 00:12:48,372
Oh! So this is like Club 18-30,
the holy version?
237
00:12:49,692 --> 00:12:52,011
The missing years -
I've heard about this.
238
00:12:52,012 --> 00:12:54,731
He toured the world,
perfecting his teachings.
239
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:57,372
I'm going to get his autograph.
No way!
240
00:12:58,372 --> 00:13:00,611
EBay - it'll be worth a fortune.
241
00:13:00,612 --> 00:13:02,291
You don't even believe in him!
242
00:13:02,292 --> 00:13:04,971
Look, this is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.
243
00:13:04,972 --> 00:13:06,692
All I'll say is,
"Sorry to be a bore,
244
00:13:06,693 --> 00:13:08,211
"I bet you get this all the time,
245
00:13:08,212 --> 00:13:10,012
"but you're him off the Bible,
aren't you?"
246
00:13:11,292 --> 00:13:12,611
What's wrong with that?
247
00:13:12,612 --> 00:13:14,811
Ah, Rimmer, please, don't say that.
248
00:13:14,812 --> 00:13:16,651
Look, it'll be fine.
249
00:13:16,652 --> 00:13:19,212
We'll get talking, I'll tell him
my middle name's Judas.
250
00:13:20,812 --> 00:13:24,092
One thing could lead to another,
we could wind up big buds.
251
00:13:25,252 --> 00:13:27,052
Why is your middle name Judas?
252
00:13:28,212 --> 00:13:31,212
Judas embodied all the traits
my mum wanted me to have.
253
00:13:32,292 --> 00:13:34,571
Your mum wanted you to
be a two-faced,
254
00:13:34,572 --> 00:13:36,971
double-crossing, conniving snitch?
255
00:13:36,972 --> 00:13:39,291
She must have
been very proud of you.
256
00:13:39,292 --> 00:13:42,411
She was a member of
the Church of Judas.
257
00:13:42,412 --> 00:13:45,651
They believed that Jesus asked
Judas to swap places with him,
258
00:13:45,652 --> 00:13:48,011
so Judas was crucified,
and Jesus was able
259
00:13:48,012 --> 00:13:50,291
to show up the following
Monday and say,
260
00:13:50,292 --> 00:13:52,172
"I'm back, baby! I'm back!"
261
00:13:53,252 --> 00:13:55,291
And nobody noticed?
262
00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:57,251
OK...
263
00:13:57,252 --> 00:14:01,091
Judas's full name was
James Judas Didymus.
264
00:14:01,092 --> 00:14:04,691
James means "twin",
Didymus means "twin".
265
00:14:04,692 --> 00:14:07,171
Judas was Jesus's twin bro.
266
00:14:07,172 --> 00:14:08,931
Jesus had a twin bro?!
267
00:14:08,932 --> 00:14:10,932
According to the Church of Judas.
268
00:14:12,172 --> 00:14:14,211
So Judas sacrificed himself.
269
00:14:14,212 --> 00:14:15,691
And his reputation,
270
00:14:15,692 --> 00:14:19,051
and became someone who was sneered
at and reviled throughout history.
271
00:14:19,052 --> 00:14:20,652
Just like you!
272
00:14:23,452 --> 00:14:24,852
Your mum was really smart!
273
00:14:26,452 --> 00:14:28,451
So what happened to Jesus afterwards?
274
00:14:28,452 --> 00:14:30,612
He went to the South of France
with Mary Magdalene,
275
00:14:30,613 --> 00:14:33,051
had a family and invented the
wheelbarrow.
276
00:14:33,052 --> 00:14:34,811
Here goes!
277
00:14:34,812 --> 00:14:36,451
Rimmer, sit down!
278
00:14:36,452 --> 00:14:37,891
Please, sit! Sit down!
279
00:14:37,892 --> 00:14:43,211
Brothers, brothers, I... fear
thou are impatient for thine food.
280
00:14:43,212 --> 00:14:45,372
Please... join me.
281
00:15:30,887 --> 00:15:33,066
We are all travellers.
282
00:15:33,132 --> 00:15:34,651
Share with me.
283
00:15:34,652 --> 00:15:35,812
Wow!
284
00:15:37,132 --> 00:15:38,852
What an honour!
285
00:15:40,012 --> 00:15:41,651
Incidentally, we know who you are.
286
00:15:41,652 --> 00:15:44,291
Recognised the sandals.
287
00:15:44,292 --> 00:15:46,651
Um, I'm Rimmer.
288
00:15:46,652 --> 00:15:49,291
Um, you can call me Arn or Big Man.
289
00:15:49,292 --> 00:15:51,931
Um... talking of big...
290
00:15:51,932 --> 00:15:53,411
big, big fan of yours.
291
00:15:53,412 --> 00:15:55,092
Big, big fan.
292
00:15:56,292 --> 00:16:00,531
Would the... gladiator
like to... join us too?
293
00:16:00,532 --> 00:16:03,211
I'd be most honoured, sir.
Although I am not a gladiator.
294
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:04,811
I am a man of peace.
295
00:16:04,812 --> 00:16:05,931
Oh!
296
00:16:05,932 --> 00:16:08,572
- Then thou shall sit next to me.
- Oh!
297
00:16:16,452 --> 00:16:17,772
Ah!
298
00:16:19,132 --> 00:16:21,091
Ah-ha-ha!
299
00:16:21,092 --> 00:16:24,771
Look at all this food!
300
00:16:24,772 --> 00:16:26,492
A dish fit for a king!
301
00:16:29,092 --> 00:16:32,531
You are all from the land of Albion,
I think.
302
00:16:32,532 --> 00:16:35,972
I have visited Albion.
I walked across the River of Mersey.
303
00:16:37,292 --> 00:16:40,811
All those old prams,
it's not hard, is it?
304
00:16:40,812 --> 00:16:42,371
There was a bridge.
305
00:16:42,372 --> 00:16:44,931
Oh, got you. I thought you meant...
306
00:16:44,932 --> 00:16:46,731
Ah! Mine uncle.
307
00:16:46,732 --> 00:16:50,291
When I was returning from the
men's room, I spied two soldiers.
308
00:16:50,292 --> 00:16:53,211
Jesus...
they're on to us.
309
00:16:53,212 --> 00:16:55,291
Problem? Mine enemies are many.
310
00:16:55,292 --> 00:16:57,651
I will slow their path.
311
00:16:57,652 --> 00:17:01,091
Take him from this place
and protect him, I beseech thee.
312
00:17:01,092 --> 00:17:05,331
You shall not pass while there's
a breath left in my body.
313
00:17:05,332 --> 00:17:08,171
For the love I have for my Lord
is like a sea without a shore,
314
00:17:08,172 --> 00:17:10,051
like a sky without a...
315
00:17:10,052 --> 00:17:11,451
I wasn't ready!
316
00:17:11,452 --> 00:17:13,452
I was still speeching!
317
00:17:14,972 --> 00:17:17,691
The only escape from our enemies
is to turn and love them.
318
00:17:17,692 --> 00:17:19,052
Or run. Running's good too.
319
00:17:19,053 --> 00:17:20,732
Down there!
320
00:17:34,532 --> 00:17:36,571
Look, this door isn't
going to hold for long.
321
00:17:36,572 --> 00:17:39,931
I must face them, forgive them
and teach them the gift of love.
322
00:17:39,932 --> 00:17:44,052
And in return, they'll saw off your
limbs and stack 'em in a small pile!
323
00:17:45,452 --> 00:17:46,851
What do we do?
324
00:17:46,852 --> 00:17:48,812
We need to build the lemon battery,
325
00:17:48,813 --> 00:17:50,971
get back to Red Dwarf
and go from there.
326
00:17:50,972 --> 00:17:53,452
What, take JC with us?
Well, we can't leave him here, sir.
327
00:17:53,453 --> 00:17:58,291
No. Leave me. I must face my enemies
alone. I have no fear of death.
328
00:17:58,292 --> 00:18:00,611
Stick with me, kid -
you'll soon change.
329
00:18:00,612 --> 00:18:01,811
Ooh!
330
00:18:01,812 --> 00:18:05,651
Are you OK? I have
pain, but it will pass.
331
00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:09,771
No time to waste, Kryten.
Start wiring the lemons!
332
00:18:09,772 --> 00:18:11,292
We need wire. I'll use my finger.
333
00:18:12,972 --> 00:18:14,932
The gladiator removes his finger?!
334
00:18:16,092 --> 00:18:18,931
It's as if I've smoked some bark
from an acacia tree.
335
00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,852
Bad bark. Well bad bark.
336
00:18:22,292 --> 00:18:25,531
It's... Just relax.
We're just making a battery.
337
00:18:25,532 --> 00:18:27,851
It stores energy, sir.
338
00:18:27,852 --> 00:18:31,131
Electromagnetic interactions
between subatomic particles.
339
00:18:31,132 --> 00:18:34,491
Or, to simplify, the copper coin,
which is a ductile metal
340
00:18:34,492 --> 00:18:36,571
with high thermal
and electrical conductivity,
341
00:18:36,572 --> 00:18:38,091
serves as the positive electrode,
342
00:18:38,092 --> 00:18:39,611
and the galvanised nail
343
00:18:39,612 --> 00:18:42,731
is the electron-producing negative
electrode.
344
00:18:42,732 --> 00:18:46,731
The zinc is oxidised and produces
an electrochemical reaction,
345
00:18:46,732 --> 00:18:50,132
which generates an electrical charge,
all from the lemon.
346
00:18:51,452 --> 00:18:53,971
Interesting. I-I have
but one question.
347
00:18:53,972 --> 00:18:55,891
Oh, fire away, sir.
348
00:18:55,892 --> 00:18:57,572
What's a lemon?
349
00:18:58,732 --> 00:19:00,171
Enjoy the moment.
350
00:19:00,172 --> 00:19:01,931
You're no longer the dumb one.
351
00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:03,531
Thanks, bud!
352
00:19:03,532 --> 00:19:05,411
The door's going.
353
00:19:05,412 --> 00:19:08,932
Quick, group together.
Tight circle! Let's go!
354
00:19:15,652 --> 00:19:18,052
Lemons truly are an amazing fruit!
355
00:19:19,172 --> 00:19:20,891
Man, am I glad to be back.
356
00:19:20,892 --> 00:19:22,812
At last I can get
a change of underwear.
357
00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:25,891
These suckers are riding so high,
they'd show up on X-rays.
358
00:19:25,892 --> 00:19:29,211
Suggest we clean up
and then return to 23 AD.
359
00:19:29,212 --> 00:19:32,732
In the meantime, I'll have
a tinker with the rejuve shower.
360
00:19:37,652 --> 00:19:39,571
It is totally amazing.
361
00:19:39,572 --> 00:19:42,491
What are you showing him, the TV?
No. A bag.
362
00:19:42,492 --> 00:19:48,851
You can store any object
into its strange cloth walls
363
00:19:48,852 --> 00:19:50,851
and then carry these objects any...
364
00:19:50,852 --> 00:19:52,571
I'm dizzied by its genius!
365
00:19:52,572 --> 00:19:55,491
Look! Look at the
things than I can...
366
00:19:55,492 --> 00:19:57,091
Ooh. Oooh!
367
00:19:57,092 --> 00:19:58,251
What?
368
00:19:58,252 --> 00:20:00,571
Ah. The demon returns.
369
00:20:00,572 --> 00:20:02,171
Demon? What demon?!
370
00:20:02,172 --> 00:20:04,931
The one that lurks within me
is re-awoken.
371
00:20:04,932 --> 00:20:07,212
Lister, have you given Jesus
a vindaloo?
372
00:20:08,372 --> 00:20:11,611
Course not. We had a jalfrezi.
373
00:20:11,612 --> 00:20:13,451
Where does it hurt, sir?
374
00:20:13,452 --> 00:20:15,011
My back.
375
00:20:15,012 --> 00:20:16,531
And when did it start?
376
00:20:16,532 --> 00:20:20,612
14 nights ago.
It... it sleeps, it wakes.
377
00:20:21,732 --> 00:20:22,852
Excuse me.
378
00:20:25,732 --> 00:20:29,211
Well, we'll need an X-ray to confirm,
but I think he's got a kidney stone.
379
00:20:29,212 --> 00:20:30,731
We may need to operate.
380
00:20:30,732 --> 00:20:33,212
Is it life-threatening?
Depends who's operating.
381
00:20:34,812 --> 00:20:38,051
14 days. Sounds like the
stone's too big to pass.
382
00:20:38,052 --> 00:20:41,691
His kidney could shrivel and die,
and complications could set in.
383
00:20:41,692 --> 00:20:46,091
We get him down the medilab, we fix
him up, we beam him back to AD 23.
384
00:20:46,092 --> 00:20:48,811
What's the problem?
We can't trust the medicomputer, sir.
385
00:20:48,812 --> 00:20:52,011
Remember what happened when you went
for a mumps and rubella injection?
386
00:20:52,012 --> 00:20:54,651
Yeah, I asked for a rube jab,
woke up with a boob job.
387
00:20:54,652 --> 00:20:58,651
Still not right up here.
So, we're going to have to do it.
388
00:20:58,652 --> 00:21:00,011
But we're not qualified.
389
00:21:00,012 --> 00:21:01,731
I'm perfectly qualified, sir.
390
00:21:01,732 --> 00:21:04,251
After all, I've been operating
on Mr Lister for years.
391
00:21:04,252 --> 00:21:06,011
You what?!
392
00:21:06,012 --> 00:21:09,171
Well, not trusting the medicomputer,
sir, what choice do I have?
393
00:21:09,172 --> 00:21:12,211
What kind of operations?
It's all above board, sir.
394
00:21:12,212 --> 00:21:13,932
I asked Mr Rimmer for permission.
395
00:21:18,172 --> 00:21:20,851
Well, sir, you remember that stomach
pain you had a few months ago?
396
00:21:20,852 --> 00:21:24,531
Yeah. You remember the searing
agony you were in? Yeah.
397
00:21:24,532 --> 00:21:26,651
And remember how that
just sort of stopped?
398
00:21:26,652 --> 00:21:27,811
Yeah.
399
00:21:27,812 --> 00:21:32,011
Well, that's because I performed
a splenectomy on you, sir. A what?!
400
00:21:32,012 --> 00:21:33,492
I removed your spleen.
401
00:21:34,612 --> 00:21:36,731
My spleen? You removed my spleen?!
402
00:21:36,732 --> 00:21:38,811
Well, where is it?
I might need that.
403
00:21:38,812 --> 00:21:41,332
It's with the rest of your organs...
in the freezer.
404
00:21:43,172 --> 00:21:45,212
Next to my quarters. On B Deck.
405
00:21:56,012 --> 00:21:57,412
Excuse me.
406
00:22:00,572 --> 00:22:02,931
So, this operation -
what does it involve?
407
00:22:02,932 --> 00:22:07,491
Well, we need to insert a laser
and a ureteroscope up his urethra,
408
00:22:07,492 --> 00:22:09,691
locate the stone and haul it out.
409
00:22:09,692 --> 00:22:12,571
Kryten, the only urethra
I know are Aretha Franklin.
410
00:22:12,572 --> 00:22:14,451
In English.
411
00:22:14,452 --> 00:22:15,851
Here's a hint.
412
00:22:15,852 --> 00:22:19,531
It's the last place any man
wants anyone inserting anything.
413
00:22:19,532 --> 00:22:20,931
You what?
414
00:22:20,932 --> 00:22:23,011
You're stuffing stuff
up his Schneiberhauser?
415
00:22:23,012 --> 00:22:24,812
D'you know who
we're dealing with here?
416
00:22:24,813 --> 00:22:26,812
But, sir, it's a perfectly standard
operation.
417
00:22:26,813 --> 00:22:29,411
Yeah, that's cos you're not a member
of the Schneiberhauser club.
418
00:22:29,412 --> 00:22:31,611
But me, as self-appointed president
419
00:22:31,612 --> 00:22:34,411
of the Schneiberhauser
Owners' Society,
420
00:22:34,412 --> 00:22:37,571
let me tell you,
that is not a standard operation!
421
00:22:37,572 --> 00:22:41,291
Well, perhaps we should inform him
of what we intend to do.
422
00:22:41,292 --> 00:22:44,371
I think he might notice, don't you?
Well, what's the plan?
423
00:22:44,372 --> 00:22:47,451
I keep him talking over dinner
while you disappear under the table?
424
00:22:47,452 --> 00:22:50,611
Best bet for a smooth operation -
he's out cold.
425
00:22:50,612 --> 00:22:52,971
I thought we'd run out of
anaesthetic.
426
00:22:52,972 --> 00:22:54,291
Who needs anaesthetic?
427
00:22:54,292 --> 00:22:56,892
Just tell him what you're going
to do, he'll faint on the spot!
428
00:22:58,532 --> 00:23:00,692
Mr Lister, sir, could you hold this?
429
00:23:01,852 --> 00:23:04,812
I'm not holding it.
I barely know him.
430
00:23:06,732 --> 00:23:09,532
Well, someone's got to hold it
while I insert the camera.
431
00:23:10,812 --> 00:23:14,211
Don't look at me.
I'm done throwing up for today.
432
00:23:14,212 --> 00:23:16,291
Well, then, you'll have to do it,
sir.
433
00:23:16,292 --> 00:23:18,772
I don't want to be a holder.
Why can't I be a shover?
434
00:23:18,773 --> 00:23:21,491
You're not qualified to be a shover,
sir.
435
00:23:21,492 --> 00:23:23,771
I'll hold it.
436
00:23:23,772 --> 00:23:26,531
It'll be an absolute privilege
to hold it.
437
00:23:26,532 --> 00:23:30,331
You what? Pass the barbecue tongs.
438
00:23:30,332 --> 00:23:33,452
This is the high point
of my entire career.
439
00:23:39,772 --> 00:23:42,811
Well, we should let him rest, sirs.
He'll be raring to go in the morning.
440
00:23:42,812 --> 00:23:45,211
Your kindness is boundless.
441
00:23:45,212 --> 00:23:46,771
Need anything doing, just holler.
442
00:23:46,772 --> 00:23:49,811
Books on the table if you get
bored, computer games, feel free.
443
00:23:49,812 --> 00:23:51,852
Just the bag.
444
00:23:52,972 --> 00:23:54,372
Just the bag.
445
00:24:02,532 --> 00:24:04,492
Mr Jesus, sir, good morning!
446
00:24:06,932 --> 00:24:08,691
Mr Jesus?
447
00:24:08,692 --> 00:24:12,892
Oh! He hath risen! Ha! Ooh!
448
00:24:14,852 --> 00:24:16,852
Oh.
449
00:24:18,492 --> 00:24:21,932
Oh, goodness!
450
00:24:35,132 --> 00:24:37,610
Well, who was the idiot
who let him read a history book?
451
00:24:37,611 --> 00:24:38,890
Look, I didn't think.
452
00:24:38,891 --> 00:24:40,772
Didn't it occur to you
that him reading about
453
00:24:40,773 --> 00:24:43,891
how many wars Christianity's caused
might mess him up a bit?
454
00:24:43,892 --> 00:24:45,211
So where is he now?
455
00:24:45,212 --> 00:24:48,651
Well, according to the note,
he's gone back to 23 AD
456
00:24:48,652 --> 00:24:50,491
so he can trash his reputation
457
00:24:50,492 --> 00:24:55,731
so "this Christianity thingeth
never taketh offeth-eth-eth-eth".
458
00:24:55,732 --> 00:24:57,771
What, no Christianity?
459
00:24:57,772 --> 00:25:01,892
What about Christmas?
We've killed Wallace & Gromit!
460
00:25:03,772 --> 00:25:06,091
Trash his reputation?
How can he do that?
461
00:25:06,092 --> 00:25:09,571
Breaking the Ten Commandments might
be a pretty good place to start.
462
00:25:09,572 --> 00:25:10,931
So wait a minute.
463
00:25:10,932 --> 00:25:13,611
He's gone back to 23 AD,
and we can't go and get him
464
00:25:13,612 --> 00:25:15,131
cos he's taken the remote?
465
00:25:15,132 --> 00:25:16,812
We do have a spare, sir.
466
00:25:20,332 --> 00:25:21,612
Erin, Erin, Erin!
467
00:25:21,613 --> 00:25:24,651
Jesus, my boy! Come, come...
I'm looking for my uncle.
468
00:25:24,652 --> 00:25:25,971
Hast thou seen him? No.
469
00:25:25,972 --> 00:25:30,891
If thou seest him, tell him...
that I will be in the tavern,
470
00:25:30,892 --> 00:25:33,091
drinking wine in great plenty
471
00:25:33,092 --> 00:25:36,011
until my legs do the dance
of a newly born camel.
472
00:25:36,012 --> 00:25:40,531
And then my mind will turn
to dark, vile thoughts,
473
00:25:40,532 --> 00:25:42,932
and I'll start coveting
my neighbour's oxen!
474
00:25:45,052 --> 00:25:47,291
That's breaking
the Tenth Commandment, that is.
475
00:25:47,292 --> 00:25:51,211
Oooh! And if there's time,
I might even covet his donkey.
476
00:25:51,212 --> 00:25:54,131
And when I've finished
coveting things,
477
00:25:54,132 --> 00:25:58,611
I might make a small statue out of
wood, and idolise it a bit.
478
00:25:58,612 --> 00:26:01,531
You'd better watch yourself.
God is a jealous god.
479
00:26:01,532 --> 00:26:04,211
You do that, and he won't
just get you, you know.
480
00:26:04,212 --> 00:26:08,651
According to the Second Commandment,
he'll wipe out all your descendants.
481
00:26:08,652 --> 00:26:11,131
Isn't that breaking
the Sixth Commandment?
482
00:26:11,132 --> 00:26:12,691
Thou shalt not kill?
483
00:26:12,692 --> 00:26:16,972
It's not killing. It's genocide.
I think that's OK.
484
00:26:20,932 --> 00:26:24,251
So... doesn't God break
the Tenth Commandment,
485
00:26:24,252 --> 00:26:27,171
wishing people worshipped him
when they worship someone else?
486
00:26:27,172 --> 00:26:30,251
I mean, isn't that coveting the
followers of your neighbour's god?
487
00:26:30,252 --> 00:26:32,331
Don't you try and trip God up.
488
00:26:32,332 --> 00:26:34,731
Look, he wrote those
commandments in a rush.
489
00:26:34,732 --> 00:26:37,611
He didn't have time to get
them proofread.
490
00:26:37,612 --> 00:26:41,011
It's strange,
but these Ten Commandments
491
00:26:41,012 --> 00:26:43,131
seem to ignore the rights
492
00:26:43,132 --> 00:26:45,651
of women and children... Shhh!
..but are big on protecting
493
00:26:45,652 --> 00:26:47,731
the rights of oxen, slave,
and donkey-owners.
494
00:26:47,732 --> 00:26:49,491
Keep it down!
495
00:26:49,492 --> 00:26:53,651
I mean, it's almost as if
a man made up these commandments
496
00:26:53,652 --> 00:26:56,331
to keep a primitive people in check.
497
00:26:56,332 --> 00:26:57,972
There he is! Get him.
498
00:26:59,852 --> 00:27:01,051
Ooh!
499
00:27:01,052 --> 00:27:03,131
Jesus! Stop him!
500
00:27:03,132 --> 00:27:05,812
Stop that man! Jesus!
501
00:27:09,932 --> 00:27:13,251
You want to fight, then, doth thou?
No! Well, put 'em up, then.
502
00:27:13,252 --> 00:27:14,570
Let's see what you've got.
503
00:27:14,571 --> 00:27:17,172
Don't think just because I'm a man of
peace, I can't punch your teeth out.
504
00:27:17,173 --> 00:27:20,612
I'm not fighting you, Jesus.
It'd be like punching Gandhi.
505
00:27:28,452 --> 00:27:31,811
No, no. No, mind my hair!
You... you're messing with my hair!
506
00:27:31,812 --> 00:27:34,051
Look, don't do this.
507
00:27:34,052 --> 00:27:35,731
Why not?
508
00:27:35,732 --> 00:27:39,251
Look, so some stupid people
did some stupid things in your name.
509
00:27:39,252 --> 00:27:41,171
It's not your fault.
510
00:27:41,172 --> 00:27:42,811
You make a lot of people happy.
511
00:27:42,812 --> 00:27:44,251
I mean, look at me.
512
00:27:44,252 --> 00:27:48,411
I presumed that, throughout history,
all famous people were amazing.
513
00:27:48,412 --> 00:27:51,891
And then I met you...
and I realised they're not.
514
00:27:51,892 --> 00:27:53,892
In fact, you're a bit of a knob.
515
00:27:55,412 --> 00:27:56,971
Just like me.
516
00:27:56,972 --> 00:27:59,131
Which means that I'm OK.
517
00:27:59,132 --> 00:28:00,891
Yeah, I don't want to be me.
518
00:28:00,892 --> 00:28:03,010
I don't want to walk down the
street and have people say,
519
00:28:03,011 --> 00:28:04,892
"Oh, look, there's
the Jesus of Caesarea,
520
00:28:04,893 --> 00:28:06,412
"the guy who caused all the wars."
521
00:28:07,532 --> 00:28:09,251
Jesus of Caesarea?
522
00:28:09,252 --> 00:28:11,411
You mean Jesus of Nazareth.
523
00:28:11,412 --> 00:28:13,371
Jesus of Caesarea.
524
00:28:13,372 --> 00:28:16,532
Son of Rachel the fornicator,
Samuel the chicken-stealer.
525
00:28:17,612 --> 00:28:19,611
Samuel the chicken-stealer?
526
00:28:19,612 --> 00:28:21,811
He stole them, not me.
Take it up with him.
527
00:28:21,812 --> 00:28:24,531
I'm always having to leg it
because of him.
528
00:28:24,532 --> 00:28:27,011
Um, is Jesus quite
a popular name around here?
529
00:28:27,012 --> 00:28:28,252
Yeah, there's a few of us.
530
00:28:28,253 --> 00:28:30,371
There's Jesus,
son of John, with a funny nose.
531
00:28:30,372 --> 00:28:32,171
Jesus, son of Luke.
532
00:28:32,172 --> 00:28:34,332
He, er, wraps plant leaves
around the feet of horses.
533
00:28:34,333 --> 00:28:36,092
About 70 of us at the last census.
534
00:28:39,052 --> 00:28:40,892
Does this mean I'm not
the son of God?
535
00:28:42,452 --> 00:28:43,812
Oh, bugger!
536
00:28:44,892 --> 00:28:47,171
Count your blessings!
It's not been all bad.
537
00:28:47,172 --> 00:28:50,412
And how's that? You've had
a little trip to the future.
538
00:28:51,532 --> 00:28:54,172
Take what you've learned
and do something with it.
539
00:28:56,252 --> 00:28:59,331
Get your bags, genuine JC bags,
people!
540
00:28:59,332 --> 00:29:01,611
Come on. Get your bag.
541
00:29:01,612 --> 00:29:04,451
One bowl of goat curry,
then we're out of here.
542
00:29:04,452 --> 00:29:05,692
Hey, check this.
543
00:29:07,892 --> 00:29:10,171
I bid thee good day.
Hast thou booked?
544
00:29:10,172 --> 00:29:12,292
Jesus, table for two.
545
00:29:15,532 --> 00:29:17,611
My brother booked.
It may be in his name.
546
00:29:17,612 --> 00:29:19,291
And his name, sir?
547
00:29:19,292 --> 00:29:20,452
Judas.
548
00:29:23,452 --> 00:29:26,091
Here it is.
549
00:29:26,092 --> 00:29:27,451
Rimmer...
550
00:29:27,452 --> 00:29:28,772
Sit down!
551
00:29:31,892 --> 00:30:19,328
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