Original subtitles

本字幕由 ShinY 深影字幕组 原创翻译制作

深影字幕组论坛地址 http://shinybbs.com

翻译： 散步的孩子 符号看象限 jimbert HTC YU 翻炒番茄

校对： 被Poop打败了 后期： 榆木脑袋

好的 你开始录了吗? Good. Are you on?

电影四十三

是的 开始了 Yeah, we're ready.

我是卡尔文·卡特勒 My name is Calvin Cutler.

诸位将见证史上最恶搞 What you're about to witness is the most badass,

最奇葩的一幕 fucked-up thing you'll ever see.

我们称之为"正中靶心" We call this the "Bull's Eye."

噢 对了 千万别自己在家尝试 Oh, yeah. Don't try this at home.

你准备好了吗? 好的 预备 You're good? You ready, buddy? All right. Right, ready?

一... 二... 三! One... two... three!

告诉我成功了 Tell me we got it. Just...

成功了吗? 不 不可能 我们成功了! Did we? No! No way, we got it!

怎么可能 伙计! No fucking way, dude!

- 我们成功了! 成功了! - 天啊! - We got it! We got it! We got... - Oh, shit!

看哪! 看啊! 伙计 正中靶心 兄弟! Look at that! Look at that! Dude. Bull's eye, bro!

太棒了! Awesome!

我们要把它传到网上去! 快去! We're putting it on YouTube! Let's go! Yeah!

伙计 有一个人浏览了! Dude, we got a view!

伙计 那是我们自己上传时留下的 Yeah, buddy, that was us when we uploaded it.

那就再上传一遍 能有涨到两次浏览 Well, then upload it again so we can have two views.

我... 我觉得这样做没用 I... I don't think that's how it works.

- 点"刷新" 伙计 - 好的 - Hit "refresh," dude. - Oh, yeah.

- 不会吧 - 不可能吧 - No way. - That can't be right.

- 再点一下 - 我点刷新了 - Do me a favor. - I just refreshed it.

看看是不是有涨 Let's see if it pulls up.

天哪 两万五千次浏览 伙计! No way. Twenty-five thousand views, man!

五十万! Five hundred thousand!

- 一百万? 帅! - 点击率爆棚了! - One million? Yes! - You're too money!

我就说我们会出名的 I told you we're gonna be famous.

我们出名了... We're gonna be famous and...

愚人节快乐 蠢货们! April fools, suckers!

我擅自仿制了视频网 虚报视频浏览量 I took the liberty of cloning YouTube and hyper-inflating your views.

你... 你这小混蛋! ...You... You little shit!

你刚刚想通过电脑屏幕打我? Did you just try to hit me through your computer screen?

是的 没错 Yeah, I did!

你为什么不过来直接让我揍 娘炮! Why don't you come in here so I can hit you like a real man, pussy!

我还有科学项目要做 你们慢慢欣赏点击率吧 Working on my science project. Enjoy your page views.

天哪 他真是个熊孩子! God, he's such a little spaz!

- 我们要报仇 - 是的 - We need revenge. - We do.

- 我们得用恶作剧整他 - 没错 - We need to April fools prank him. - Yeah!

- 痛击他的要害 - 好好调教他 - Hit him where it hurts. - Square in his balls.

不! 我们得更狠一点 No! We gotta do something better.

我们去偷他的电脑 把它装满病毒 We steal his computer and load it full of viruses.

等等 去哪找病毒? Wait, where do we get viruses?

二货! 上黄网啊 Uh, duh! Porn sites.

你也不想想我电脑为什么这么慢? Why do you think my computer's so slow?

还不都是因为病毒太多 It's full of 'em.

好吧 电脑在他的房间 我们怎么搞到手? Oh, okay, but how-how do we get his laptop if it's in his room?

我们不能直接闯进去把电脑偷出来 We can't just-just kick in the door and steal it.

你该怎么引蛇出洞? How do you lure a dragon out of a lion's den?

我不知道 I don't know.

- 给他个挑战 - 挑战? - You present him with a challenge. - Challenge?

挑战 看我眼色行事 A challenge. Jus... Follow my lead.

巴克斯特! 巴克斯特 伙计! Baxter! Baxter, my man!

什么事? What?

我和J.J.有个电脑方面的问题 Uh, me and J.J., we have this computer problem.

网上有一部电影我们找不到 There's this movie on the Internet and we can't find it.

你能来帮我们吗? Can you help us?

你想为了刚才那事整我 是吗? You're trying to get back at me for that prank, right?

- 不! 这事过去了! - 过去了 - No! Truce! - Truce.

说真的 我们... Seriously, we just, uh...

我们想在联邦调查局封杀之前找到它 we need to find it, uh, before the FBI takes it down.

你说联邦调查局? You said the FBI?

该死的联邦调查局 中情局 Fucking FBI, the CIA...

犯罪现场调查科 海军罪案调查处... The CSI, NCIS...

我的意思是 这部电影是非法的 I mean, this video is so illegal,

全世界每个国家都把它列为禁片 it has been banned by every country in the world.

阿姆斯特丹也不例外 Including Amsterdam.

就那个警察被人猥亵欺辱后 Where you could slap a cop in the face with your penis,

都要说"谢谢"的地方 and they'd say, "danka."

阿姆斯特丹不是个国家! Amsterdam is not a country!

阿姆斯特丹不是个国家? Amsterdam's not a country?

什么时候的事? Since when?

这电影在那里总归是个禁片 伙计 The shit's still banned there, dude.

是的 你想想 它...它就像... Yeah. Think about it. They... it's... it's like it's the... the... the fucking...

世界上最危险的电影 It's the most dangerous film in the world.

- 是的 - 这电影叫什么? - It is. - What's it called?

其实 你知道吗 巴克斯特? 你是对的 Actually, you know what, Baxter? You're right.

这确实是愚人节恶作剧 It was an April Fool's prank.

很抱歉耍了你 I'm sorry we brought you into this.

你还是... You know, you should probably just...

该干嘛干嘛去 别再想这事 求你了 go on with your life and never think about this again. Please.

等等 Wait.

这电影为什么这么危险? What's so bad about it?

你不会想知道的 You don't wanna know.

为什么这么危险? What's so bad about it?

嘿 兄弟! 这电影为什么这么危险? Hey, slim! What's so bad about it?

- 能害死你 - 怎么害死我? - It can kill you. - How?

能吓得你屎尿横流 It can make you shit out your intestines.

还能让你七窍流血 It can make you bleed out of your eyes.

有个人看了之后 You know, one guy saw it,

就跑进一座教堂猥亵那里的修女 and he ran into a church, and he just started humping the nuns.

几年前 这可是桩大事 That was a huge story a few years back.

这电影能让人恨不得自残 It can make you pull off your own dick.

好吧 如果它会让人自残 Okay, why would you want to watch it...

你们为什么还要看? if it can make you pull off your own dick?

那是因为... Because...

如果你从头到尾看完整部电影 If you can watch it all the way through from the beginning to end,

你就会得到意想不到的奖赏 you're rewarded beyond your wildest dreams.

金钱 性 女人 With money. And sex. And women.

就像午夜凶铃那个电影 但会有个好的结局 It's like that movie The Ring, but with a good ending.

- 是 还有美胸 - 各种波涛胸涌 - Yeah. And boobs. - Lots of boobs.

那这电影叫什么? So what's this movie called?

电影 Movie.

- 四十三 - 电影四十三 - Forty-three. - Movie forty-three.

祖歌上搜不到 It's not on Zwoogle.

是啊 祖歌当然搜不到 它被禁了! Yeah, of course it's not on Zwoogle. It's banned!

好吧 那我猜我们得深入挖掘了 Okay. Then I guess we'll need to dig deeper.

访问一些互联网上的阴暗角落 Visit some dark corners of the Internet.

恩 是的 阴暗角落 伙计 Mm, yeah, the dark corners, dude.

是的 深入挖掘 我们得找到它 Yeah, get in there. We gotta find this thing.

我找到一个有很多禁片的隐藏服务器 I found a cloaked server that houses banned videos.

先试试列表的第四十三个电影 怎么样? Start out with the forty-third one on the list. Sound good?

好的 你们继续找 Yes! Yeah, you guys keep working on this.

我去望风 看看有没有联邦调查局 I'm gonna go guard the door for the uh, FBI,

中情局 老妈什么的 the CIA, and Mom.

看这个 我们看看 Look at this. Check it out.

噢! 你真美 Hey. Ooh! You look good.

但愿你快准备好了 他随时都有可能到 Hope you're almost ready. He's gonna be here any second.

我不知道我为什么要这么做 帕姆 I don't know why I'm doing this, Pam.

我不相信朱莉 I don't trust Julie.

如果这家伙是个废物怎么办? I mean, what if this guy's a loser?

他不是废物 He's not a loser.

他二十八岁的时候 He made senior partner at his law firm by the time he was,

就成了他律师事务所的高级合伙人 like, twenty-eight.

所以他只在乎他的工作和钱 So all he cares about is his career and money.

朱莉可没这么说 他是特奥会的志愿者 Mm, not according to Julie. He's a volunteer with the Special Olympics,

他是纽约爱乐乐团的董事会成员 he's on the board of the New York Philharmonic...

他和德瑞克·基特合伙开了一家新的餐厅 He's opening a new restaurant with Derek Jeter!

但他可能长着一副令人尴尬的呆板脸 But he's probably got one of those awkward character faces...

就是你有几分偏爱的那种 是吗? that sort of really has to grow on you, right?

"呆板脸"先生上歌谭杂志的封面了 Mr. "Character Face" is on the cover of Gotham Magazine.

- 那就是他? - 是的 - That's him? - That's him.

就是他 Yeah.

他来了 去吧 And he's here. Go.

- 我看上去还好? - 美极了 - Do I look okay? - Gorgeous.

- 真的? - 玩的开心! - You sure? - Have fun!

再见! Bye!

- 你开玩笑吧 - 其中几个 - I mean, you gotta be kidding. - Several of them.

要我说 没试过就没资格批评电视购物 I'm telling you, don't knock shopping on TV until you've tried it.

贝思 我想你是我见过的第一个 Beth, I think-I think you're the first person I've ever met...

真会去电视购物的人 who actually buys stuff off television.

- 不可能! 别骗人了! - 不 是真的 - No! Come on! - No, it's true.

噢 那你觉得我从哪买的这条围巾? Oh, well where do you think I got this scarf?

知道吗? 我敢打赌肯定比你的那条柔软 And you know what? I bet it's softer than yours.

好吧 这可是我的底线 Okay. See, that's where I draw the line.

决不允许贬低我的围巾(不许摘下围巾) Do not start putting down the scarf.

来 你摸摸看 百分百帕什米纳山羊绒 Here. Feel this. One-hundred percent pashmina.

至少街上那家伙是这么告诉我的 Well, at least that's what the guy on the street told me.

那我看看 哇哦 确实挺软的 可我... Come on, then. Wow, that is soft. Well, you know, I...

嘿 H先生 餐桌准备好了 先生 Hey, Mr. H. Table's ready, sir.

很好 Great.

- 我来保管这些吧 - 谢谢 - I'll take those. - Thank you.

- 请 - 我们的桌子准备好了 - Please. - Our table's ready.

谢谢 Thank you.

你先请 After you.

凯莉告诉我你给孩子设计衣服 是吗? So, um, Carrie tells me you design clothes for kids. No?

是的 童装 我设计... Yes. Clothes for kids. I design...

衣服... 给孩子穿 童装 clothes... for kids. Kids clothes.

很好 很好 Awesome. Awesome.

今夏如果我看到有孩子穿着古怪 So, if I see some kids looking weird this summer,

也许就是你的错 是不? it may be your fault, huh?

我开玩笑的 开玩笑 I'm just joking. I'm just joking.

你的俄式标准伏特加 先生 Your Russian Standard Vodka, sir.

你这么容易就能猜到我要什么吗 艾比? Am I that predictable, Abby?

你喝这个吗? 还是喝红酒什么的? Eh... Yeah, you good with that? Or would you prefer a glass of wine or...?

不 不用 我... 是需要来一杯 No. No, I... I could, use it.

谢谢 Thank you.

那么 敬这个美妙的夜晚 干杯 So, here's to a, Here's to a wonderful evening. Cheers.

干杯 Cheers.

俄罗斯人的酒真不错 Those Russians know something.

这里... 挺不错的 This is... a nice place.

噢 这里很棒 这里... Oh, it's great. This pl...

噢 你应该看看这里的天花板 Oh, you gotta check out the ceiling.

这些横梁是取自于... Those beams were taken out...

宾夕法尼亚郊外的老教友会林场 of this old Quaker meetinghouse out in rural Pennsylvania.

你看 都是橡木的 挺不错的吧? 很漂亮 I mean, look. It's all oak. Isn't that something? It's gorgeous, huh?

哇哦 杰克 这是什么? Oh, wow, Jake. What's this?

H先生 比利主厨献上的奶油浓汤 Well, Mr. H, this is a vichyssoise courtesy of Chef Billy.

他听说你们今晚要来 Now, he heard that you guys were coming in tonight,

所以他为你们专门准备了四道大餐 so he's put together a special four-course meal for you.

龙虾没问题吧? Lobster okay tonight?

我当然没问题 只要你觉得好就行 That's okay with me if it's okay with you,

除非你还想看看菜单另点 un-unless you wanna check out the menu.

贝思? 你要看一下菜单吗 还是...? Beth? Unless you wanna check out the menu, or...?

- 不用 这挺好的 - 好的 - No, that's sounds lovely. - Right.

很好 Terrific.

请你替我谢谢主厨 谢谢 Please thank the chef. Thank you.

祝你好胃口 Bon Appetit.

噢 你 脖子上... Oh, you've, got something on your...

有东西? 第一次约会就出丑 我自己来吧 Something on my neck? Leave it to me to embarrass myself on a first date.

我来... Here...

这里? 还是这里? 是吗? There? There? I got it?

还有一点... 在你左蛋.. 左边... A little bit... bit more on-on the left b... ball... One.

在左边 还有一点点 Uh, left side. Of... Dribbly bit.

谢谢 没事 Thanks. I mean, no biggie.

相信我 我还碰上过更糟糕的情况 Trust me, I've been through worse. I mean, as...

我小时候 我一直被嘲笑 As a kid, I used to get made fun of all the time.

是不是因为你的... Was it, because of your...

我口吃...我... 我原来有严重的口吃 My stutter. I... I used to have a really bad stutter.

经过了九年的语言治疗才治好 Actually took probably nine years of speech therapy to get rid of it.

那 你还有什么别的事... So, was there anything else they...

被别人取笑吗? may have made fun of?

- 我不知道 - 没有了? - I don't know. - Anything at all?

噢 是的 有些孩子取笑我的脖子 Oh, yeah, some kids used to talk a little smack about my neck.

噢 感谢上帝! Oh, thank God!

- 怎么了? - 我还以为我疯了 - What's up? - I thought I was going crazy. I...

怎么会? What?

我是说... 没什么 .... I mean... not a big deal... at all.

具体是怎么回事? It's just, what is the story there?

当时我只有六岁 我从自行车上摔下 Well, when I was six, I fell off my bike

倒在一个喷水头上 and I landed on a sprinkler head...

医生不得不给我缝了几针 and they had to stitch me up at the hospital.

看见没 有道疤 是吧? See, it's, it's just a scar. Right?

孩子也会很刻薄 他们以前叫我科学怪人 I mean, kids could be mean. They used to call me Frankenstein.

他们会像这样说"他还活着" "他还活着" They're like, "He's alive. He's alive!"

可我不在乎 孩子们会取笑任何事 不是吗? Well, I don't care, you know. Kids make fun of everything, right?

是我错觉 还是这里确实有点冷? Is it just me or did it suddenly get a little chilly in here?

我想可能是因为那个出风口 I think it may be that vent there.

- 你们的菜来了 - 天哪 看看这份量 - Here we are. - Man! Look at the size of those things.

噢 杰克 伙计 能把温度稍微调高一些吗? Oh, Jake, buddy, would you mind turning up the heat just a tad?

我觉得那个出风口一直在吹... I think that, that vent's blowing right on...

没问题 not a problem.

谢谢 Thank you.

先让我忙完... And, uh, just let me go ahead and...

- 可以 - 把这个端走 - Sure. - Get this out of your way here.

噢 天哪! 你...你还好吗? Oh, God! Are you... Are you okay?

我的胃 它... It's my stomach. There's...

终于喘上这口气了 Just get my breath back, you know.

他在那! 那家伙在那! There he is! There's the stud!

嘿 安琪! 雷! Hey! Angie! Ray!

嘿 你们近来如何? 还好吗? Hey, how the hell are you guys? You're good?

显然没你好 Apparently not as good as you.

嗨 我是安琪 这位是我的丈夫雷 Hi, I'm Angie and this is my husband Ray.

- 嗨 - 这位是我的新朋友 贝思 - Hi. - This is my new friend, Beth.

她慢慢让我对相亲恢复了信心 She's slowly restoring my faith in blind dates.

向你致敬 贝思 Well, kudos to you, Beth,

你竟然能把这工作狂从办公室里拖出来 for getting this old workaholic out of his office for once.

得了 得了 雷 Come on. Come on, Ray.

干的漂亮! 你可是钓到大鱼了! Nice work! You caught the big one!

是吗? Did I?

可是... 你难道没发现... But... Do you not notice the...

- 看小埃文长得多快 - 是吗 小家伙? - Look how big little Evan's getting! - Yeah. Little?

是的 他长得巨快 Yeah. He's growing like crazy.

- 别 - 看这大胖小子 - No. - Who's a big boy?

看这大胖小子 Who's a big boy, huh?

哇哦 雷 他真沉 长大肯定是员球场猛将 Wow, Ray, he's a monster. You got yourself a little linebacker here.

准后卫要上床睡觉了 A little linebacker that needs to go to bed!

好的 你该睡觉了 去吧 Okay. You're off to bed. There you go.

- 真不小心 - 又掉了个奶嘴 - Fumble. - Another pacifier down.

我来捡 I got it.

谢谢你 伙计 谢谢 Thanks, buddy. Thanks bud.

给你 伙计 安琪? Here, bud. Angie?

你们真般配 我得拍张照 You guys look so cute. I gotta take a picture.

真要拍照? Really?

安琪 别闹 Angie, please.

让他们吃饭吧 亲爱的 Hey, let-let the man eat, honey.

别这样 雷 我们第一次约会时就合影了 Come on, Ray. We have a picture of our first date.

他们也该留个影 They should have a picture of theirs.

快 起来去站在她身后 别害羞 Come on, get your fanny over there behind her and don't be shy.

- 好吧 好吧 - 好的 - All right. Okay, okay. All right. - Okay.

- 真抱歉 - 凑近些 - I'm sorry about this. - Get in close.

贝思 坐着别动 Beth, I'm gonna need you to hold still.

噢 天哪 他们看起来真是... Oh, God, they look so...

蹲低点! 把脸凑过去! 快点! Get down! Get your face down next to hers! Come on!

快拍 快拍 快拍 Take it. Take it. Take it, take it, take it, take it.

- 太棒了 - 怎么样? - So good! - How's that?

现在你们亲一下对方吧? Now why don't you give each other a little kiss?

别这样 安琪 我们才刚认识 Oh, come on. Angie, we just met.

行了 让他们吃饭吧! Come on, let 'em eat! Let the man eat!

- 来嘛! 就亲一下 - 好吧好吧 - Come on! Just a little kiss. - All right, all right.

就一下 亲额头 We'll do one, one kiss on the forehead.

- 就在额头上亲一下 - 用不着吧 - One peck on the forehead. - We don't need to.

- 准备好了? 好的 - 真的用不着 - Ready? Okay. - We really don't.

不用这样... We don't need...

搞什么! 继续找 The fuck, man! Keep looking.

我们来看看四十二号好了 Let's try the forty-second one.

对 对 好主意 Yeah, yeah, good idea.

咪咪 Boobs.

带病毒毛片 Pornography with viruses.

巴克斯特 你死定了 Yeah, Baxter, you're going down.

继续找 Keep looking.

这是炙烤苏门答腊咖啡 我们自己磨的 It's uh, roast Sumatra. I grind the beans myself.

再次感谢你的晚餐 你真的不用这样客气 Hey, thanks again for dinner. You really didn't have to do this.

应该的 Oh, please.

连此乔迁欢迎宴都不给你们准备 What kind of neighbors would we be...

我们算哪门子邻居? if we didn't have you over for a welcome dinner?

西恩 萨曼莎刚还说 Sean, Samantha was just saying

他家孩子全程在家接受教育 that they homeschool their son.

有意思 Oh, that is interesting.

我们只是觉得只有这样才能确保... Well, we just think it's the only way to make sure...

他接受到最好的教育 that he gets the best education possible.

你真的应该为你儿子考虑一下 You should really consider it for your kids.

知道吧 凯文正在楼上写作业呢 Hey, you know, Kevin's upstairs doing his homework right now.

我敢肯定他很愿意和你们聊天 I'm sure he'd love to talk to you guys about it.

等等 你两位亲自在家教儿子 Wait. He... So you homeschool your son

还给他留作业? but he still gets homework?

凯文能有个正常完整的高中生活经历 It's very important to us that Kevin has...

对我们来说是很重要的 a normal and complete high school experience.

用黑色墨水完成家庭作业 Written assignments are to be done in black ink.

不许用绿色 蓝色或者粉色的笔写 Not green or blue or pink.

你那榆木脑袋 When are you gonna get that

怎么什么时候才能记住 莫里斯先生? through your thick skull, Mr. Morris?

我是米勒 It's Miller.

你被留堂了 That's a detention.

快 快点! 捡起来! 捡起来! 捡起来! Move, move, move, move, move! Pick it up! Pick it up!

加油 娘炮 动作快点! Come on, girlfriend, pick your knees up!

噢 我...我明白了 就是... Oh, I... I see. It's...

但你们有没有发觉 我也说不好哈 But don't you feel like maybe he's, I don't know,

他会怀念外面的世界? missing out?

是啊 高中生活不仅仅只有课程和作业 Yeah, high school is about more than just classes and homework.

可不是么 还可能被人疏远或者孤独难耐 Absolutely. There's the alienation, the loneliness.

高中就该是男孩子们一生中的低谷期 It should be the unhappiest time in a boy's life.

所以我们才尽可能确保... That's why we try to make sure...

凯文不错过任何一段重要的... that Kevin doesn't miss out on any of those essential...

正规学校的青少年们该尝到的磨难 emotionally scarring experiences that he'd get at a regular school.

凯文是基佬

基佬! Fag!

死基佬! Faggot!

丑八怪 你的书掉了! You dropped your books, fuckface!

天啊! 爸爸 搞什么! Jesus! Dad, what the fuck!

哇哦 你的阴毛长的好奇怪 Whoa. You've got weird pubes.

大家来看啊! 这孩子阴毛够奇葩! Hey, guys! Come check out this kid's weird pubes!

尽管如此 你们俩肯定做了不少工作 Still, it must be an awful lot of work for you guys, though.

噢 那是当然 但我们乐此不疲 Oh, sure, there is. But we love it.

我们一起想出个全面规划... I think we've put together a pretty comprehensive plan...

各种青春期关键经历 凯文一个都不会少 that provides Kevin with every important adolescent experience.

比如 和其他孩子交往... You know, socializing with other kids...

嗨 凯文 对吧? Hey. Kevin, right?

我可以进去吗? Can I please come in?

黛比·克拉克来啦 Look, Debbie Clark's here,

你之前约过人家 会有些尴尬 the girl you asked out before. It's gonna be awkward.

抱歉 不给进 抱歉 不可以 Sorry. No. Sorry, sorry. No.

抱歉 就这样吧 Sorry. Okay, okay.

妈 别这样 等等 Mom. Mom, please no, wait.

听我说... 如果我... Mom, just... if I...

课外活动 Extracurricular activities.

恶心小菜鸟

你做了什么? What do you do?

恶心事 I suck.

什么恶心事? What do you suck?

- 口交 - 大声点! - Dicks. - Louder!

- 我玩口交! 口交! - 态度端正点! - I suck dicks! I suck dicks! - Like you mean it!

我玩口交 我无时无刻不想着口交! I suck dicks, I suck dicks, I suck 'em all the time!

如果你是个超级英雄 你想要什么超能力? If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be?

我的超能力就是玩口交! My superpower would be sucking dicks!

兄弟 看你现在那狼狈样 Dude. You have so much poop on you right now.

当然 初吻... And of course the first kiss...

应该是任何一个男孩一生中最尴尬的时刻 that should be the most awkward moment in any boy's life.

艾米莉和卡拉说我们应该玩全套 Emily and Kara said we should go all the way.

你觉得呢? What do you think?

额 你有保护措施吗? Um, do you have protection?

所以 兄弟 So, dude.

别告诉杰夫那些人 但... Don't tell Jeff or any of those guys, but...

我只是想说... I just wanted to say that...

如果我真的喜欢男人... if I did like guys...

你真的是我所喜欢的类型 you'd totally be the kind of guy that I'd like.

说起来很奇怪 This is weird.

我不是当真的 I didn't mean any of that.

就是随便说说 Just talking, you know?

哇哦 Wow.

我想我不会忘记凯文第一次告诉我们... I don't think I'll ever forget the first time Kevin told us that...

他希望他没被生出来 he wished he'd never been born.

- 那时他才十二岁 - 早熟孩子 - He was only twelve. - Precocious kid.

研究表明 一般来说 You know, studies show that the average child...

孩子直到十五岁时才会表现出自我厌恶 doesn't express that kind of self-loathing till they're fifteen.

我相信 I bet.

他来了 Here he comes.

亲爱的 来见见邻居 Hey, honey. Meet the neighbors.

凯文 这是西恩和克莱尔 Kevin, this is Sean and Clare.

他们刚搬来 就住和我们隔三户的那栋房子 They moved into the house three doors down.

噢 伊戈斯家的老房子 很好 Oh, the Yeagers' old place. Great.

对啊 额 我...我叫凯文 Yeah, I'm, um, I'm... I'm Kevin.

很高兴见到你们 欢迎入住同一小区 Uh, pleased to meet you. Welcome to the neighborhood.

我也很高兴见到你 Nice to meet you, too.

谢谢 太有礼貌了 Thank you. That's so polite. That's...

我要出去了 有些朋友约好在格林家见面 I'm heading out. A bunch of us are gonna meet up at The Green.

噢 格林家 Ooh, The Green.

对 我做完作业了 And, uh, yes, I finished my homework.

还有 珍和我稍后要去看场电影 Oh, and Jen and I are gonna catch a movie afterwards,

我可能会回来的晚点 so I won't be home until late.

没问题 记得给我们带个好 Oh, that's fine. Just make sure you say hello from us.

珍 和我妈打招呼 Jen, my mom says hi.

你好 珍 Hello, Jen.

你好 米勒夫人 我是个漂亮女孩 Hello, Mrs. Miller. I'm the pretty girl.

没错 She is.

- 你俩今晚玩的开心 - 好的 - You guys have fun tonight.- All right.

很高兴见到你! Nice meeting you!

那么 谁要蛋糕? So. Who wants cake?

太恐怖了 我们看看别的 Creepy. Let's move on.

老兄 继续搜索 Keep searching, dude.

嗨 Hi.

看 There.

开始野餐吧 Now it's a picnic.

你喜欢巧克力脆皮草莓吗? Would you care for a chocolate-covered strawberry?

天啊 亲爱的 说到浪漫 Oh my gosh, sweetie. Talk about romantic.

太完美了! This is perfect!

朱莉 我们在一起一年多了... Julie, we've been together for over a year...

十六个月两个星期 Sixteen months and two weeks.

这段交往时期 我意识到你对我来说很重要 And in that time, I've come to realize that you mean everything to me.

道格 你也是 Oh, Doug. You, too.

有些话我想问你 And there's something I want to ask you.

我也有些话想问你 There's something I'd like to ask you.

好吧 你先 Okay, uh, you go first.

- 不 你先 - 不 你先 - No, you go first. - No, you first.

不 你先嘛 No, you first.

不然我们同时说出来好了? How about we say it at the same time?

好啊 Okay.

- 一 二... - 一 二 - One, two... - One, two.

你愿意和我来几炮吗? Will you poop on me?

- 什么? - 你愿意和我来几炮吗? - What? - Will you poop on me?

什么 你什么意思... What? What are you...

等等 你在说什么? Wait, what did- what did you say?

我信任你 我觉得你就是我的灵魂伴侣 I... I trust you. I feel like you're my soul mate.

我想送你份厚礼 把我的第一次给你 I want to give you this gift. I want you to be my first.

拉一泡... To poop...

- 在我身上 - 什么? - On me. - What?

你不想吗? You don't want to?

不是 我...我是说... No, I... I mean...

你对我没感觉了吗? Are you not attracted to me anymore?

宝贝 当然有感觉 Of course I'm attracted to you, honey.

那你愿意? 对我来一炮吗? So will you? Poop on me?

哥们 你算是中奖了 Ah, man. You just hit the fucking lottery, man.

你不觉得要在她身上拉屎很奇怪吗? You don't think it's a little weird for wanting him to shit on her?

慢着 哥们 尊重下这位兄弟 可以吗? Slow down, man. Have some respect for this guy, okay?

她不是要他来一发 She did not ask him to shit on her.

来一发只是找妓女逢场作戏 Shitting is something you do on a whore.

- 对 - 对? - Right. - Right?

屎交是献给灵魂伴侣的礼物 Pooping is a gift you give to your soul mate.

- 必须的 - 我从没这么想过 - of Course. - I never looked at it like that.

说吧 兄弟 有啥煽情菜? So tell me, man, what's on the menu?

在你行动之前告诉我嘛 Before you do the big deed.

我不...我不知道 有那么重要吗? I don't... I don't know. Does it fucking matter?

- 她是素食主义者? - 不是 - Is she a vegetarian? - No.

多好的机会! 你个大傻蛋 真愚蠢到不行 Boom! Big beef burrito, with extra beans on that bad boy.

放些调味汁和鳄梨色拉酱来调色嘛 Put some salsa, some guacamole for color.

便出来的话 会充满节日气氛 你懂的吧? When it come out of you, it's a festival. You know what I'm saying?

为了心上人就豁出去吧 听见没有? You went the extra yard for your lady. You hear me?

不了 我还是弄点有品位的东西 好吗? No, I'm doing something classy, okay?

我会烤黄鳍金枪鱼牛排 做份沙拉 开瓶红酒 I'm doing seared ahi tuna steaks, a salad, and red wine.

- 不 不! 不能这样 - 不错 - No. No, no, no! Fuckin' no! - Nice.

重点不在于吃上去怎么样 而在于产生的效果 It's not about how fancy it goes in. It's about how fancy it comes out.

相信我 墨西哥菜真的催便能力超强 Well... And believe me, Mexican food makes a fuckin' mess.

可别吃沙拉 And don't mess with fuckin' salads.

你知道沙拉有什么作用吗? 会让你便秘 You know what salad does? It locks down your bowels.

你不希望上垒的时候肠子不给力吧? 当然不 You don't want your bowels all locked down, do you? No.

喝酒还不错 喝上几杯 Drinks are cool. Have a few fuckin' drinks.

会让你挺得更持久 Makes you last longer.

更持久? Last longer?

拜托 你不想成为挤便先生 对吧? You don't want to be Mr.Two Squeeze, Thank-You Please, right?

- 你肯定不想的 - 比利 该死的 - You really don't want to be that. - Billy, goddamn, Billy.

我俩大人谈话你就不能走远点啊 Why don't you go over there while grown people are talking over here.

去一边玩你的美国大兵玩具吧 Go over there and play with your GI Joes or some shit, man.

恩 我去就是了 Yeah, I'll go over there.

记着 用我的建议试试 Look it. Take my advice on this one.

今晚就出去找人试试 好吗? You go out tonight and you shit on a few skanks. Okay?

马力全开 Get it all out your system.

你明天一准儿做回真男人 Fuckin' tomorrow, you are a one-poop man.

懂吗? Understand?

这是毛东西? What the fuck is this?

兄弟 泻药界伟哥啊 帮你一泄(泻)千里 Viagra, brother. Poop Viagra. Yeah.

- 你随身携带? - 对啊 就是随身携带 - Just carry that on you? - Yeah, I carry that shit around on me.

- 户外烤肉也带着? - 还真被你说对了 - At barbecues? - You goddamn right.

我吃不惯荤腥的东西 I got a meat problem.

各种肉类都是 我得去方便一下 All your fuckin' meat, I gotta clean that shit out.

- 好吧 - 好吧? 随便 - Okay, yeah. - Okay? Fine, then.

- 我准备好了 宝贝 - 噢 不是吧 - I'm ready, sweetie. - Oh, fuck.

马上 One second.

泻药

我爱她 我爱她 I love her. Hey, I love her.

- 噢! 你看起来真美 - 谢谢 - Oh, oh! You look nice. - Thank you.

那么 我们就... Okay. Let's go...

哇哦 哇哦亲爱的 你要干嘛? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Honey. What are you doing?

我要干嘛? 我... 你知道我在干嘛 What am I doing? I'm... You know what I'm doing.

我尽力... I'm trying to, you know.

还不是时候 猛男 我想慢慢享受 Not yet, tiger. I wanna savor this.

好吧 我有点... 额... Oh, okay. Well, I kinda... I kinda got to, uh...

不 不 不 不 来 来吻我 No, no, no, no. Come here. Come here and kiss me,

然后给我你的特别礼物 and then you can give me your special present.

- 快说你有多爱我 - 我很爱你 - Tell me how much you love me. - Oh, I love you so much.

- 有多爱? - 爱你爱到肯为你杀人 - How much? - I love you so much I'd kill a man.

现在开始吧 拜托? Can we do this, please?

- 我买了瓶特制薰衣草润肤露 - 好吧 - I bought this special lavender lotion. - Okay.

给我脖子擦擦乳液咯 Why don't you get my neck ready.

你想涂在脖子上? You want it on your neck?

怎么了? 你不愿意吗? Why? Does that not work for you?

愿意 愿意 来吧 It's fine, it's fine. Here we go.

很不错 That's nice.

好吧 好吧 我们来吧 让我们... Okay, okay. There we go. Let's get it and...

- 不 不 还没到 - 什么? - No. No. Not yet. - What?

- 不 过来 - 干嘛? - No. Come here. - What?

- 你太兴奋了 - 我知道 我把持不住了 - You're so excited. - I know. I can't stand it.

还记得我们相遇的那天么? Gosh. Remember the day that we met?

记得 Yes.

你有没有想过有天你会... Did you ever think that someday you'd be able to...

- 你懂的? - 老实说 不 不 我不懂 - you know? - Honestly, no. No, I didn't.

还记得我那天穿了什么吗? Do you remember what I was wearing that day?

宝贝 我穿了什么? Baby, what was I wearing?

记得我那天穿了什么吗? Do you remember what I was wearing?

一件黄色夏装! A yellow sun dress!

快点! 转过去 让我拉你身上吧! Come on! Roll over and let me shit on you, please!

你说什么? Excuse me?

抱歉 拉一泡 拉在你身上 I'm sorry. Poop on you. I meant poop on you.

宝贝 我绝不是有意对你不敬 Honey, I would never shit on you.

宝贝 我绝不会拉你身上? I would never shit on you. Honey?

回来 我爱你! 操! Come here. I love you! Fuck!

真不敢相信 Oh, I can't.

朱莉! 回来! Julie! Come back!

宝贝! 我爱你! 我想向你求婚! Oh, baby, please! I love you! I want you to marry you!

我的天啊! 道格 不! Oh, my God! Doug, no!

上帝啊! Oh, jeez!

噢 上帝! 我的上帝! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- 道格! 赶紧叫救护车 - 马上! - Doug! Doug! Call a fucking ambulance! - I'm on it!

坚持住 宝贝 好吗? 坚持住 你会没事的 Hold on. Hold on, baby, okay? Hold on. You're gonna make it.

朱莉 我爱你 Oh, Julie, I love you.

我爱你 I love you.

这些都是给我准备的? All of this was for me?

是的 我想是吧 Yeah, I guess so.

是吗? 太美了 这是我见过的最美场面 Oh, yeah? It's so beautiful. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

是的...我愿意嫁给你 Yes... I will marry you.

道格 我愿意嫁给你 I will marry you, Doug.

熟女当道

网上最火辣的熟女会出现在哪里 CougarCrate, where the web's hottest cougars hang out.

熟女当道 太牛逼了 CougarCrate. Perfect.

准备好了呦 熟女们已蓄势待发 Prepare yourselves, because the cougars are on the prowl.

看看你 太正点了 我喜欢那个反战标志 Look at you. You are nice. I like that peace sign.

开始热身...什么事? Just warmin' up... What?

卡尔文? Calvin?

发... 发生什么事了? Wh... What's going on?

Beautiful Mind: 里的克劳叔犯过这毛病

他开始钻牛角尖了 He's gone all Beautiful Mind on us.

他已完全失控 He's off the fuckin' grid.

- 拜托 巴克斯特 想想法子! - 兄弟 - Come on, Baxter. Think! - Dude,

他把这玩笑当真 要搞出大事了 he's taken this shit to a whole new level.

所有东西...除以九... Everything... divided by nine...

卡尔文 太棒了 Calvin, great.

J.J.和我试图限定我们的搜索条件 J.J. and I were trying to delineate our search protocols.

你能多提供些关于这个视频的信息吗? Can you tell me anything more about this video?

你从哪里得知的? Where'd you hear about it?

圣史蒂夫·施瑞德 St-Stevie Schraeder.

史蒂夫·施瑞德 史蒂夫 Stevie Schraeder. Stevie.

就是它! 是时候大显身手了 Got it! It's time to bring out the big guns.

"鹰眼特狙网"? 这是什么? "Falcontron"? What's this?

这是网上最牛的搜索引擎 It's the most elite search engine on the Internet.

只有五十个人有使用权限 Only fifty humans have access.

其中十二人是国家领袖 Twelve are heads of state.

那你怎么进去的? So how do you have access to it?

我黑了BND的主机 I hacked into the mainframe of the Bundesnachrichtendienst.

别编词了 巴克斯特 又开玩笑了 Stop making up words, Baxter. Seriously.

他总这样 他只是在骗人... He does that all the time. He just makes up...

是德国情报局 It's the German intelligence bureau.

- "情报局"? - 别废话了 - "Bureau"? - It's not a word.

尊敬的顾客朋友们 Attention P-Town shoppers

请看看我们刊在上的宣传单 Be sure to check out our insert in Sassy Lass magazine...

科尔博士旗下产品特惠惊喜价 for killer deals on the Dr. Cole family of products.

另有"舞会必备"减价特卖 We're now offering a buy one get one "Senior Prom" special...

羔羊皮安全套和瓶装酒买一送一 on lambskin condoms and boxed wine.

当然还有"赖账老爹"优惠 And don't forget our "Deadbeat Dad" discount.

所有一次性相机和儿童棒球组合打折出售 On all disposable cameras and whiffle ball bats.

亲们 阴部干痒吗? Got a dry, itchy vag?

今天 飞逸乳液特惠 买一送一 Today, we are offering a two-for-one deal on Beave Lotion.

这款乳液保湿效果大受广大女士的青睐 That's lotion for your beave by Moisture Maid, ladies...

现在第四通道打折出售中 请惠顾... now on sale on aisle four. Be sure to check out...

尼尔 Neil.

维罗尼卡 Veronica.

尼尔 Neil.

你憔悴万分啊 You look pale.

你孕味十足 You look pregnant.

你像是睡厨房馊水池的 You look like you slept in a soup kitchen urinal.

你像是在那流产诊所后废墟里泡过澡的 You look like you bathed in a Dumpster behind the abortion clinic.

你就是那圣诞节得癌症的倒霉孩子 You look like the kid who got cancer for Christmas.

The Golden Girls: 几位老奶奶住在一起回忆过去

你就是混迹夜总会的老荡妇 You look like the slutty one on The Golden Girls.

里角色名

- 你说桃乐茜? - 布兰奇. - Dorothy? - Blanche.

收回那话! 你他妈婊子养的! You take that back! You son of a bitch!

收回那话! 收回那话! You take it back! Take that back!

我想好好品尝你 I want to taste you.

慢慢舔到你湿得不行 I want to lick you till you weep.

你胃酸反流怎么样了? How's your acid reflux?

你的瘤病毒病怎么样了? How's your HPV?

是你发病了 维罗尼卡 我只是携带者 It's your HPV, Veronica. I'm just carrying it.

我们还是别来争论先有鸡还是先有蛋了 尼尔 Let's not have another chicken or the egg debate, Neil.

不行 开始 No. Let's.

- 鸡 - 蛋 - Chicken. - Egg.

你那涂满 Your flesh...

可可油的肌肤 slick with cocoa butter...

让我魂牵梦绕 it haunts me.

维罗尼卡怎么样了? How's Veronica?

维罗尼卡很好 维罗尼卡 Veronica's fine, Veronica.

真不敢相信你居然把你的狗叫做维罗尼卡 I can't believe you named your dog Veronica.

无法想象你居然会去 Can't believe you sucked off

和魔法豆游乐场的流浪汉搞口交 that hobo from Magic Bean.

他是男巫 尼尔 He was a wizard, Neil.

嘘 我想推倒你 Shh. I wanna be on you.

上你 In you.

我想... I wanna be...

吻遍 all...

你的下巴 over your chin.

你还喜欢法式焦糖布丁吗? Do you still like crme brle?

你还喜欢被爆菊吗? Do you still like fingers in your butthole?

你明知故问 You know the answer is yes.

噢 尼尔 Oh, Neil.

维罗尼卡 Veronica.

- 尼尔 - 维罗尼卡 - Neil. - Veronica.

我想忘记你 I wanna get over you.

我想在你阴部留下爱的印记 I wanna give you a hickey on your vagina.

你已经做到了 尼尔 You already have, Neil.

你已经做到了 You already have.

教堂见 I'll see you in church.

我要先去找你... Not if I see you f...

我说两句? May I?

我不是罗密欧 诸位 但我知道什么是爱 I'm no Romeo, folks, but I know what love is.

爱情就是在你首次互戒会上隔着裤子撸一发 It's an over-the-chinos rub and tug during your first AA meeting.

对 对 没错 Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

如果我是你 And if I was in your shoes,

我会不惜低声下气奋力把她挽回 I would climb Dick Mountain mouth first just to get her back!

对的 先生 Yes Sir!

我们会让那小狐狸精 Are we gonna let that foxy little thing...

随便就与这男孩不相往来吗? run willy-nilly out of this boy's life?

不会! 不会! No! No!

我们要帮助这年轻人 Are we gonna help this youngster...

挽回那甜妞吗? take that sweet ass to pound town?

- 你什么时候换班? - 凌晨五点 - When's your shift up? - Five a.m.

- 我代班到三点 - 三点到五点我来! - I'll take it till three. - I got three to five!

谢谢 Thank you.

无需多说 Don't be a bitch about it.

去追她回来 孩子! Go get her, son!

这是什么? What's that?

音乐新畅享

爱宝

没你想的那么激动人心 也就是... It's not as exciting as you might think. It's... It's...

对我来说 也就是助人为乐 For me, I like to say it's more about, just like, helping people, you know.

- 不是处罚不法分子 - 是的 我懂的 - It's not about punishing criminals... - Right, yeah, I totally understand.

- 帮助人会让我觉得开心 - 罗宾! - It's just, it makes you feel good... - Robin!

- 不是吧 - 罗宾! - Oh, no. - Robin!

罗宾 你去哪啦? 嗨 你好啊 Hey, Robin. Where you been? Hi, how you doing.

你竟敢和假释官爽约 You missed your meeting with your parole officer.

什么? 假释官? What? Parole officer?

不是 他开玩笑的 No. He's kidding.

是啊 这家伙前阵子惹了点麻烦 Yeah, yeah, this guy got in some trouble a while back for...

在操场上玩弄他的小鸡鸡 whipping out his little Dick Grayson on a playground.

没有 我才没有 No, I didn't.

但是 没事的 But, it's all good.

我是说 反正你老婆都原谅你了 是吧? I mean, your wife forgave you, right?

- 什么? - 你结婚了? - What? - You're married?

- 误入婚途了啊 - 不是 我没有! - Married pervert. Yeah. - No, I'm not!

史黛西 我没有结婚! 他开玩笑的! Stacey, I'm... I'm not married! He's kidding!

兄弟 你这可是躲过一劫啊 Oh, man. Dodged that bullet.

你他妈想干什么 蝙蝠侠! 都被你给毁了! The hell are you doing here, Batman! You're gonna ruin this!

淡定啦! 听着 我刚刷微博看到 Calm down! Hey, look, I read on Twitter...

一超级混蛋要来炸场子 that a super-villain's gonna bomb this loser meet and greet.

所以我来拯救拯救啦 我不是向来如此嘛 So I'm here to save the day, like I do, all the time.

你懂啦 这是我的职责 I mean, you know, it's my thing.

- 谁要我是蝙蝠侠! - 胡说八道 - I'm the Batman! - Yeah, baloney!

你就是一如既往地妨碍我勾搭妹子 You're here to ruin my chances with women like you do all the time.

怎么可能 兄弟 不是啦! 我可是很挺你的 No way, brother! No way! No, I'm-I'm in support of this.

再让你相一场 我们再去排查炸弹 Get one more speed date, okay, then we gotta find that bomb.

这坑爹呢 Ah, this sucks.

wonder boy: 神奇小子 动画里称赞罗宾的话

小提示 男人点 奇迹多 知道吧? Uh, little tip. Uh, less boy, more wonder, right?

这点子好 Ah, that's very clever.

- 亮瞎她们! - 好 多谢 - Dazzle them! - Yeah, okay. Thanks.

嗨 Hi.

- 嗨 - 我是洛伊斯 洛伊斯·莱恩 - Oh, hi. - Lois. Lois Lane.

不 我认识 我... No, I... l know. I've... I've...

我是罗宾 我们以前见过几次 it's... it's me, Robin. We... We've met several times.

- 哪个罗宾? - 罗宾 就是罗宾 - Robin what? - Ro... Robin. That's it.

我帮忙从莱克斯·卢瑟手里救你出来 I helped save you from Lex Luthor.

不记得了 Sorry.

你说 "我永生不忘你的救命之恩" You were like, "I'll never forget this as long as I live."

还是没印象 Sorry again.

- 我以为你在和超人约会 - 没有 - I thought you were dating Superman. - No, no.

- 我们六个月前分手了 - 我不知道 - We broke up about six months ago. - I didn't-l didn't know that.

- 从那以后他就一直跟踪我 - 真的? - He's been stalking me ever since. - Really?

昨晚 我从我卧室窗望去 Last night, I look out my bedroom window,

他就在窗口飘着呢 and there he is just floating there,

就在那儿撸管自慰! just stroking that nasty little curl, and masturbating!

然后射到我窗户上! Blew his wad all over my window!

窗户都被他弄坏了! He broke the window!

从他那... The, the... From the...

他的精液像猎枪一样凶猛 Uh, his jizz is like a shotgun blast!

你知道他头发上涂的粘状物吗? You know that shiny stuff in his hair?

那可不是发胶 It's not hair gel.

- 洛伊斯! 天啊 - 不会吧! - Lois! Oh, my God! - Oh, no!

真高兴见到你! Nice to see you!

很高兴被你见到啊 真是开心啊! Nice to be seen! Oh, my goodness!

别 我们在... No, no, no. Yeah, we're in the...

- 你们认识? - 是啊 我们是同事 - Do you know each other? - Yeah, we work together.

- 是吗? - 超人怎么样了? - You do? - Hey, how's Superman?

我现在给他个电话 实际上 我得... I'm gonna give him a call right now, actually. I need...

- 不要 别这么干 - 才不 这就联系他 - No, no! Don't do that! - Oh, no, I'm gonna do it.

- 蝙蝠侠 不要 求你啦 - 已经接通啦 - Batman, don't. Please. Please. - It's already ringing.

超人! 在干吗呢 兄弟 我是黑暗骑士 Hey, Soups! What's up, brother! It's the Dark Knight.

老兄 我刚好想起你 Hey, man, I was just thinking about you here...

因为我正和洛伊斯在一起呢 cause I'm sitting with Lois...

她正和我小弟罗宾约会呢 and she's on a date with my boy, Robin.

- 不 - 他挂了 掉线啦 - No! - Oh, he hung up. I lost him.

离洛伊斯远点 否则我用我的热力... Stay away from Lois or I'll use my heat vision...

把你两蛋蛋烤得不像样 to fuse your balls into one big ridiculous uniball.

超人 你误会了 Superman, you don't understand.

我不是来这泡你女友的 那才是疯了! I'm not here to hit on your girlfriend. That's crazy!

蝙蝠侠和我是卧底 我们在找炸弹 Batman and I are undercover and we're looking for a bomb.

炸弹? Bomb?

我才不管什么炸弹的事 I don't give two super-shits about a bomb.

只要我和洛伊斯嘿咻 就能容光焕发 As long as I'm balls-deep in Lois, I'm solid gold.

离洛伊斯远点 贱人 Stay away from Lois, bitch!

- 该死的! - 他就那样! - Goddammit! - That's his thing!

不是 我告诉他 No, so I told him, you know,

"我们要去打击犯罪 兄弟 所以..." "I mean, we're gonna be fighting crime, buddy, so..."

噢 他来了 Oh, there he is.

"你应该穿上裤子 " "Uh, you know, you should put on some pants."

但是他就喜欢他那装束 所以 But he liked the costume the way it is, so,

所以 拿他没办法啦 孩子都那样 you know, what are you gonna do. Kids.

- 星期四? - 没错 - Well... Thursday? - Thursday it is!

- 回见 - 好 - See you then. - All right, now.

美腿啊 And, nice legs.

是你让我穿成这样的 是他让我这样穿的! You make me wear this. He makes me wear this outfit!

不公平啊! 我不喜欢穿成这样! So unfair! I hate it!

她真有趣! 好啦 约会结束啦 我们走 She's a hoot! All right, that was your date. Let's go.

- 胡扯 真根本不算! - 怎么不算了? - Bullcrap! That doesn't count! - What do you mean that doesn't count?

有妹纸 那就是约会啦 That was a girl, this was a date.

现在 动起来 找炸弹去吧 Now, let's boogie. We gotta go find that bomb.

求你啦 让我再来一次 那次不算 拜托 Please, just let me do one more. That doesn't count. Please.

天啊 你这孩子 来吧 坐下 Oh, my God, you're such a baby. Go! Sit down. Fine.

- 真好! - 好 开始吧 - Yes! - Fine. Go ahead.

玩得开心 但这次你不能单枪匹马 Have fun. But you're not gonna do it on your own.

- 把这塞你耳朵里 - 什么东西? - Pop that in your ear. - What's that?

我的任务就是藏在桌子下 What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna get underneath the table,

在下面教你说话 帮你搞定 hide down there and feed you lines to help bag this next gal.

明白 就像电影 Oh, right, like Cyrano de Bergerac.

我不知道那个电影 更像是 I don't know what that is. It's more like Roxanne.

但我更想我自己搞定 Okay, but look, I... I'd really rather do this on my own.

我听到了 我也很是欣赏你的话 Okay, and I hear you, and I appreciate what you're saying,

- 但是 我还是决定帮忙 - 拜托不要 - but I, you know, I'm gonna do it. - Please don't.

我决定做 I'm gonna do it.

蝙蝠侠 不要啊 拜托 不要 Batman, don't. Please, please, don't...

很抱歉 我迟到了 卫生间人真多 Hi. Sorry, sorry I'm late. There's a line in the bathroom.

你好 我是女超人 Hi. I'm Supergirl.

- 我的名字... - 我叫罗宾 - My name... - I'm Robin.

你好 我叫罗宾 Hi, I'm Robin.

你打哪来? Um, so where you from?

那 你打哪来? So, where you from?

我... 克莱普顿星 I... Um, Krypton.

克雷普顿 哪... 那个 Krypton, eh. Where... That's, that's, uh...

- 妈呀 - 妈的! - Oh, shit. - Oh, shit!

兄弟 我看到她下面啦 Dude, I can see her snatch.

兄弟 我可以... Dude, I can sn...

天啊! 无法置信这大尺寸啊 Oh, my God! I can't believe the size of this thing.

这他妈的像片巨大的麦地 深不可测啊 It's like a giant fucking cornfield. It's enormous down here.

疯啦 看着这个 我... 感觉随时 It's crazy. Look at that. I... I... I feel like at any moment,

赤脚乔·杰克逊可能从中跑出来 Shoeless Joe Jackson could walk out of it

和我一起玩传球 and I could play catch with him.

克莱普顿星 感觉是个好地方 Krypton. I... I hear it's really nice.

我从没去过... I... I have never been...

你没听说太阳新星毁了我们整个种族吗? You didn't hear that the Sun supernova and destroyed our entire race?

我想要用它洗盘子 I wanna wash dishes with it.

是吗? 我没... Did it? I did not...

下面真是个大场面啊 It's a huge, bushy catastrophe down here.

西恩·潘与麦当娜结过婚 曾家暴

感觉西恩·潘真该帮忙打理下 Feel like Sean Penn should do a benefit for this thing. It's...

什么? 你能听到他说话 是吧? What? Oh, no. You can hear him, can't you?

当然 能听到 Yeah, I can hear him.

我也看到蝙蝠侠在桌底下 I can also see Batman underneath the table.

你有透视眼 我懂 Cause of the x-ray vision. Of course.

不是 我直接就可以看到他 No, I can just see him.

这是咖啡桌 过于明显了 It's a cafe table. I mean, it's really obvious.

- 嗨 - 嗨 - Hi. - Hi.

关于你家人的死我很是抱歉... Ah, dude. I'm so sorry about your family dying and...

兄弟 那让我回到了七十年代啊 Oh, man! That took me back to the seventies, huh?

等下 看到我们要找的罪犯 就是那企鹅 Hold on. There's our culprit. It's the Penguin.

恕我失陪 我要去做些该做的侠义事 Excuse me. I'm gonna go do some Batman-ing.

你要...我帮忙吗? Do you need any... Can I help?

用手套捡起来有点困难 给你 Oh, it's hard to pick up with gloves. There you go.

不好意思 小甜心 你好啊 Excuse me, sweetie. How you doing.

你介意走远点吗? You mind fucking off for a little bit?

多谢 感激不尽 Thank you. I appreciate it. Thanks.

- 回见 好公民 - 好大胆子啊你! - See you later, citizen. - How dare you!

你个婊子养的! 炸弹在哪 你个肥仔? You son of a bitch! Where's the bomb, you fat fucker?

- 嗨 蠢货! - 糟糕 - Hey! Asshole! - Oh, shit.

你们在自以为是什么人? 纯爷们? What do you think you are? Some big man?

欺负个小胖子? Picking on a little fat guy?

放轻松! 这位是企鹅 我们的老对头 Take it easy! That's the Penguin. That's what I do.

你干嘛不联系我? Why didn't you call me?

我...不是...我... I... No... I...

你说过你会打给我的 You said that you were gonna call me.

等下 我没打吗? Wait a minute. Did I not?

我拨了号的 我没按接通吗? I know I dialed a number... Did I not hit "send"?

你说过无论怎样你都会对我不离不弃的 You said that you were gonna stick by me no matter what happened.

然后你的小蝙蝠避孕套破了 你就消失了 And then your little Bat-condom breaks, and then you just disappear!

你明白作为一个神奇女侠要独自去搞 Do you know what it's like going to Planned Parenthood by yourself,

计划生育是什么感受吗? when you're Wonder Woman?

好吧 谈话主题不是那么浪漫 Okay. Not very romantic talk.

罗伊诉韦德案: 美国堕胎法案

相了次亲竟扯出堕胎法案 Roe v. Wade here at a speed dating situation.

听着 我那时正在打击犯罪行为 Uh, look, I was fighting crime!

问罗宾 罗宾快为我担保 Ask Robin. Robin, vouch for me.

滚完床单他就会哭 你知道吗? He cries after sex. Do you know that?

我干嘛要知道? Why would I know that?

哭的跟个小孩 在滚完床单 你说什么来着? Like a baby. After sex, what do you say?

"噢 我的灵魂真是黑暗" 就因为你小时候 "Oh, my soul's so dark." Because you saw some bats...

看见些变态(蝙蝠)? 你个娘炮! when you were little? You pussy!

看这啦 忙着把妹拉郎的诸位 Attention, Gotham City speed daters:

他妈的他是怎么过去的? How the fuck did he get over there?

我这办法真是高明 我不是来相亲的 It was all a clever ruse. I'm not speed dating.

某些人应该记得 我婚后生活美满 Some of you should remember I'm happily married.

- 对哦 - 我婚礼你们都有去 - That's right! - You were all there at the wedding.

这炸弹还在我胸上捆着呢 Okay, bomb strapped to my chest.

对哦 无论怎样 Oh, yes. In any case,

你们得给我一大笔钱 you all have to give me some unimaginable sum of money...

否则我就炸死这女超人 or else I'm going to blow up Supergirl with this bomb.

想不到吧! 引爆装置在这伞里 Dat dat dat dat! The detonator is in this umbrella.

- 去搞定它 - 不 你去搞定 - Cool it. - No, you cool it.

我的好眼睛! 你人呢? My non-monocled eye! Where are you?

解除! Disarm!

赞! Yes!

- 你还好吗? - 是的 - Are you okay? - I think so.

是你救了我! You saved my life!

我只是做我应做的 Just-Just doing my job.

吻她 Kiss. Kiss her.

撬开她的嘴 舌吻 Open her mouth and touch tongues.

把你的舌头伸进她的嘴里 Put your tongue inside her mouth...

然后慢慢引诱她的舌头进入你的嘴里 and that'll coax her tongue to go into your mouth!

对! 摸咪咪 Yeah! You, uh, squeeze her boobies.

对的 摸屁股 Yeah, and touch her butt.

- 这很有爱吧? - 好有爱啊 - Doesn't that look nice? - It looks so nice.

等下 不要这么快! Oh, yeah. Hold on! Not so fast!

噢 天啊! Oh, God!

- 谜妖! - 谜妖! - Riddler! - Riddler!

没错!就是谜妖! That is right! The Riddler!

这计划就恶毒在借口拆除炸弹 In a diabolical scheme to get Robin and me

让我跟罗宾来这里参加相亲 to this speed date to stop a bomb,

其实只是想把引诱罗宾到某个破仓库里 only to lure Robin away to some seedy warehouse...

然后你想把他挂在一个填满图钉的大桶上 where you're gonna hang him above a vat filled with thumbtacks...

或者装满蜥蜴什么的操蛋玩意儿! or lizards or some fucking bullshit!

你不会得逞的 小瘪三! Well it didn't work, muchacho!

太厉害了 你怎么做到的? That was amazing. How did you do that?

你怎么看出来她是假扮的? I mean, how'd you know that she was a fake?

那种阴毛尺寸只便于做一件事 Bush that size is only good for one thing,

就是藏好他的老二! 你懂我的意思吗? and that one thing is hidin' the wang! You know what I'm saying?

等一下 先让我搞清楚情况 Wait. Let me get this straight.

所以你早就知道了吗? So you knew all the way back then?

你早就知道她是个男的? You knew that she was a dude?

我一直都知道 Whole time.

为... 为什么你还让我亲她? Wh... Why'd you make me kiss her?

...他 这档子事 ...Him. This.

我不知道 I don't know.

我猜是今早的床气爆棚吧 I guess I woke up this morning with a little case of the fuck-arounds.

我就是在找乐子 兄弟! 嗷! You know I'm just having fun. My buddy! Woo!

还记得这样的场景吗? Remember this?

很讨人厌是吗? Ugly isn't it?

请想想他们的感受 But think how they feel.

为了让你生活得更好 不图回报地工作 Working without thanks to make your life better.

孤独 没人关爱 常受伤害 Lonely, unloved, hurt.

承受着身体 言语 情感上的虐待... Physical, verbal, emotional abuse...

去完成你想做的事 to get what we want done.

你难道不明白他们已经尽力了吗? Can't you see they're doing their best?

他们不想占领你的世界 They're not trying to take over your world.

他们只希望在你心里能有一席之地 They're just trying to find a little place in your hearts.

请谨记 机器中住满了孩子 Remember, machines, they're full of kids.

伙计 点那个按钮 Dude, click the button.

不要点那个按钮 Do not click the button.

- 你他妈是谁啊? - 我是牛头怪 - Who the fuck are you? - I am the Minotaur.

你们正在我的迷宫里 You are in my maze.

你知道在哪能找到电影四十三吗? Do you know where we can find Movie 43?

电影四十三? 电影四十三? Movie 43? Movie 43?

你做好脑袋被剁成小碎块的准备了吗? Are you prepared to have your brains butchered into tiny pieces?

你做好被饥饿的老鼠啃掉眼珠 Are you prepared to have a starving rat nibble out your eyeballs,

还要被愤怒的发情公狼干的准备了吗? and then have the holes fucked by angry, thick-dicked wolves?

哥们儿 冷静点 Dude, calm down.

我觉得... 你只是误会了 I think you're... I think you're just confused.

我们是在讲电影四十三 你都没听说过吧 We're... we're talking about Movie 43. You've never heard of that.

噢耶 找到她啦 Oh, yeah. She's here.

我觉得我们真是有缘 I think we have a connection.

据我们所知 It is the one movie

这是一部可以使社会文明完全崩塌的电影 that can bring down society as we know it.

不 哥们儿 它不是这样的 我保证 No, dude. That's something different. I guarantee it.

我已立誓阻止任何人观看这部电影 I have taken a vow to keep anybody from viewing this film.

哥们儿 哥们儿 Dude, dude.

这家伙说的是真的 他用的防火墙我从没见过 This guy's for real. He's protected by firewalls I've never even seen.

我们要按这个按钮 We gotta click this button.

不要按下去 Do not click the button.

不要按... Do not click the...

去死吧! Suck it!

泰勒·迪·萨托 十五岁 Tyler De Soto. Fifteen.

住在弗罗里达圣露茜港 Port St. Lucie, Florida.

他只失去了一根手指 He only lost a finger.

太可怕了 It's horrific.

可我还是不清楚有什么问题 I'm still not seeing what the problem is, though.

布莱恩? Brian?

爱宝搭载了最先进的3.2Ghz处理器 The iBabe has an advanced 3.2 gigahertz processor.

上面预留有散热口 其中配置了一台高效 We left an opening for a vent and then we placed a highly-efficient,

大马力的微型风扇 super powerful micro-fan in the opening.

- 然后呢? - 散热口就在她的 - And? - The vent is in her,

下腹部 Lower quadrant.

私处 Vagi-port.

- 阴道 - 私处 - Vagina. - Vagi-port.

散热口就在阴道部位 The vent is in the vagina.

相当一部分的年轻买家 A certain percentage of our younger demographic...

把那什么... 你知道的 插到散热口里 are sticking their you-know-what in the vent.

我不知道 No, I don't know what.

孩子们把阴茎插到了散热口里 Kids are sticking their penises in the vent.

然后风扇就会把阴茎割碎 The fan then mangles their penises.

真恶心! Disgusting!

先生 爱宝是一台... Sir, the iBabe is a...

高保真音乐播放器 High fidelity music player.

没错 但它在视觉上和触觉上都像极了裸女 Yes, it also looks and feels exactly like a naked woman.

生理上讲 青少年会不由地被裸女吸引 Teenage boys are physically attracted to naked women.

我们的调研结果并非如此 先生 Our research doesn't support that, sir.

至少 我们要在包装盒上贴个警告标识 Look, at the very least, we need to put a warning sticker on the box.

其他Mp3都没有 Other MP3 players don't have a warning

"不准和它做爱"的警告 是吧? not to have sex with it. Right?

薯片包装上不会贴着这样的警告 A bag of potato chips doesn't have a warning,

"请不要操薯片" Please don't fuck these potato chips.

我是疯了吗? Am I crazy here?

真想不到会有人这样做 None of us could have seen this one coming.

我会 I did.

艾琳·布劳科维奇: 出演电影

放轻松 死较真儿 Take it easy, Erin Brockovich.

研发小组 你们做过大量试验 R and D team. You did extensive testing here.

各位预料下 会有人破坏冷却系统吗? Did you anticipate anybody breaching the cooling system?

有没有反对意见? Any red flags?

戴夫? Dave?

而且 我们把问题分解成了三步 Also, we've broken down our problem into three steps.

第一 孩子们购买爱宝 Step 1: Kid buys iBabe.

第二 孩子们和爱宝乱搞 Step 2: Kid fucks iBabe.

第三 孩子们的老二被切坏了 控告我们 Step 3: Kid mangles dick and sues us.

我们的目标是 杜绝第二步和第三步 Our goal is to eliminate step two and step three.

现在我知道问题出在哪了 Now I know what the problem is.

为什么不把风扇移走? Why don't we just move the fan?

为什么不放在她的耳朵里? Why don't we just put it in her ear?

不不不不不不 先生 No. No, no, no, no, no, sir.

我们花了两年才取得这些成果 Uh, my team spent two years doing the impossible,

你这样几乎就是命令我们从头开始 and you're pretty much just telling us to go back and start from scratch.

你懂的 就是打自己的脸 You know, to go fuck ourselves!

听我说 爱宝重达一百多磅 知道吗? Okay, look. The iBabe weighs over a hundred pounds, okay?

把它带到公共场合是违法的 It's basically illegal to take it out in public.

妇女组织正在呼吁联合抵制我们公司 Women's organizations are calling for the boycott of our entire company.

我们的股价直线下跌 Our stock is plummeting

而且孩子们的小弟弟时刻都可能受重伤 and kids' dicks are getting horribly mangled!

进来 进来 进来 Uh, come in, come in, come in.

先生 请允许我为您介绍特版爱宝 Sir, may I introduce you to the iBabe Special Edition.

天啊 Oh, my God.

更快的处理器 双倍内存 Faster processing, double storage capacity,

还有这优雅的外形 and how about that elegant finish.

真是太美了 太美了 太美了! Just gorgeous. Gorgeous, gorgeous!

- 恭喜你! - 谢谢 - Congratulations! - Thank you.

终于可以为顾客提供肤色选择了 Finally we can give our customers a choice of color.

天啊 我怎么觉得它烂到不能再烂了呢 Oh, my God. Just when I thought it couldn't get more offensive.

饶了我吧 Oh, for Christ's sake.

啊 现在我懂了 Yeah. Now I understand.

爱宝 只可远观 不可亵玩

够了! 够了! Enough! Enough!

你们想要什么? 钱? 女人? What do you want? Money? Women?

不要再找电影四十三了 Just stop looking for Movie 43.

嗨! 你们是谁? Hey! Who are you?

电影四十三 电影四十三在哪? Movie 43. Where is Movie 43?

我不知道你在说什么 I don't know what you're talking about.

电影四十三在哪? 不许说谎! Where is Movie 43? Don't lie!

放开我! 别碰我! 不要! Get away from me! Get off me! No!

他妈的! The fuck, man!

那么你们知道一定电影四十三在哪里 So you know where Movie 43 is.

不! No!

能让你预见未来的电影 The movie that allows you to see into the future.

不要! 它会毁了全社会! No! It will destroy society!

按照协议 会使死人复活的! He will unleash the dead up in protocol!

史蒂夫·施瑞德跟你说过这些吗? Did Stevie Schraeder tell you any of this?

史蒂夫·施瑞德是谁? Who is this Stevie Schroeder?

史蒂夫·施瑞德是谁? Who is Stevie Schroeder?

史蒂夫·施瑞德是谁? Who is this Stevie Schraeder?

我不认识史蒂夫·施瑞德! I don't know Stevie Schraeder!

- 你在说谎! - 搞什么? - You lie! - What the fuck?

操! Fuck you!

史蒂夫·施瑞德是谁? Who is Stevie Schroeder?

快告诉我史蒂夫·施瑞德是谁! You tell me where Stevie Schroeder is!

那混账是谁? Who is this motherfucker?

妈的 他是我驾驶课的同学! He's a kid in my fucking Driver's Ed class!

J.j.和巴克斯特 You will find us Movie 43,

你们要为我找到电影四十三 J.J. and Baxter.

麻痹的 What the fuck, man!

继续找! Keep looking!

- 我在找! - 不要找! - I'm looking! - Don't look!

我想去参加萨米成人礼 在等答复 I'm, uh, RSVP...ing to Sammy's Bar Mitzvah.

我也是 Yeah, me too.

只去聚会 不去成人礼现场 The party, not the service.

我妈逼我两个都参加 太逊了! My mom always makes me go to both. Sucks.

是啊 Yeah.

哇哦! Yeah!

内森这次终于找到妹子约会了! Nathan on a date for once!

天啊 米奇 闭嘴! Jesus, Mikey, shut up!

什么? 妈妈让我看着你们的 What? Mom told me to watch you guys.

我只是按她说的做 I'm just doing my job.

我是认真的 米奇 走开! I mean it, Mikey. Leave!

我在盯着你哦! I'm watching you.

抱歉 我哥哥是个白痴 Sorry, my brother's an idiot.

没事的 Whatever.

- 这有卫生间吗? - 当然 就在那后面 - You have a bathroom? - Totally. It's right back there.

- 呸! - 内森? - Yuck! - Nathan?

内森 我... Nathan, I...

我哥哥把果汁喷趣酒洒在沙发上了 My brother spilled fruit punch on the couch.

染了好大一块红色 There's a big red stain.

我 我 嗯... 我要走了 I, I, um... I need to go.

但是再过半小时才会有人来接你啊 But you're not getting picked up for another half hour.

要再坐一会儿看看电视吗? Wanna sit and watch some more TV?

好 我... 我就... Yeah. I'll... I'll just...

我就在这边站着看吧 I'll just watch it from back here.

好棒 我喜欢站着 That's cool. I like standing.

哇! 米奇还把果酒喷到墙上了! Whoa! Mikey spilled fruit punch on the wall, too!

我妈会气疯的! My mom is gonna be so pissed!

内森 我真的要走了 Nathan, I really need to go!

嗨 小情侣 希望我没有... Hey, lovebirds, I hope I'm not...

天啊 你流血了! 噢 天啊! Holy shit, you are covered in blood! Oh, my God!

- 什么? - 噢 天啊! - What? - Oh, my God!

- 天啊! - 天啊! - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!

天啊! 你一定是... Oh, my God! You must've s...

坐在钉子或者什么东西上了! sat on a nail or something!

你个白痴! 她这是来大姨妈了! You idiot! She's having her period!

天啊! Oh, my God!

我该做什么? What do I do?

你不知道该做什么? You don't know what to do?

你之前没有来过大姨妈? You've never had your period before?

- 没有 - 噢 天啊! - No, I haven't. - Oh, my God,

米奇 她已经流了好多血了! Mikey, she's already lost a lot of blood!

好吧 嗯 听好了? Okay. Um, you know what?

妈妈在这边存放过一些卫生棉条 知道吧? Mom's gotta have some tampons around here somewhere, right?

天啊! 真不敢相信! Oh, my God! This is not happening!

妈的! 你比妈妈瘦小多了! Fuck! You are way skinnier than Mom!

那... 那东西绝不适合你用! There... There's no way they're gonna fit you!

我想走回家去! Look, I'm just gonna walk home!

不 不 不! 你不能就这样走回家 傻瓜! No, no, no, no! You can't walk home in your condition, silly!

米奇 快! Mikey, hurry!

只能找到塑料袋! There's just plastic bags!

我不知道我他妈还能干什么! I don't know what the fuck you want me to do!

- 干嘛? - 自己擦一擦! - What? - Wipe yourself!

嗨 嗨 嗨! 孩子们 我提前回来了 Hey, hey, hey! Guys, I'm home early.

爸 帮帮我们! Dad, help us!

怎么回事 我是内森的爸爸 我叫史蒂夫 Pardon me, I'm Nathan's father, Steve.

先塞住止血好了 我找到了这个 还有这个 Oh, we're just gonna have to plug it up. I found this and this.

出什么事了? All right, what's going on here?

内森这次约会正赶上她第一次来大姨妈 Nathan's date is on her period for the first time,

她的血流得到处都是! and she's bleeding everywhere!

- 噢 真恶心 - 什么? - Oh, disgusting. - What?

我是说 恭喜你 小姐 I mean, congratulations, young lady.

"恭喜"? 她要流血致死了! "Congratulations"? She's bleeding to death!

天啊! 我的肚子好疼! Oh, my God! My stomach hurts!

她在宫缩了! She's having contractions!

不要! 噢 不! No! Oh, no!

好吧 All right.

9-1-1? 我朋友的阴道在流血! 9-1-1? Yeah, my friend is bleeding out of her vagina!

内森 内森 听我说! Nathan, Nathan, listen!

为什么你在嘲笑我? Why are you laughing at me?

就是... 阿曼达的内脏内膜... It's just... it's... The... The lining of Amanda's...

从身体里排出来 internal organs just spilling out of her.

天啊! Oh, my God!

我不会死的! Look, I'm not dying!

我找到了冻豆子和一块海绵! I got frozen peas and a sponge!

如果要保持内膜完整 If you wanna keep the lining intact,

男人需要把勃起的阴茎插入她的阴道 the man has to insert his erect phallus into her vagina.

什么? A what?

你们猜我找到什么好东西了? You know what? I got a perfect thing.

插在棍子上的卫生棉 Maxi pad on a stick.

天啊! 我死了算了! Oh, my God! I wanna kill myself!

你们好! 宝贝儿 你准备好要走了吗? Hello! Hey, baby, you ready?

- 麻痹的出什么事了? - 爸! - What the hell's going on here? - Dad!

天啊! 宝贝儿! Oh, my God! Honey!

你家得多变态 What the hell kind of sick family

才会把这么大一个西红柿砸到 squashes a large tomato...

我女儿裤子上? on my daughter's pants?

哇 看看你是怎么暗讽我们家的 Whoa. Watch what you're implying about my family.

有什么好看的 杰克! Oh, I don't gotta watch anything, Jack!

- 是吗? - 是的! - Yeah? - Yeah!

你推我? You touching me?

是的 是的 傻逼 我推你了! Yeah, yeah, bitch, yeah!

- 你还推我? - 你不准推我! - You touching me? - You're not to touch me!

- 我们出去练 傻逼! - 我们走! - Let's go, bitch! - Let's go!

打他! 照喉咙打! Sucker punch him! Sucker punch him in the throat!

都给我闭嘴! Everybody shut up!

只是个普通的七年级女孩来大姨妈而已 Look, I'm just a regular seventh-grade girl getting my period,

被你们这群白痴撞到 真是太差劲了 and it really sucks that it had to be in front of all you idiots.

爸 给我妈打电话 让她回家等我们 Dad, call Mom and tell her to meet us at home.

她来大姨妈了? She's got her period?

真恶心 So disgusting.

你没有那种防水布能借我用用 是吧? You don't have a camping tarp I could borrow, do you?

发生这些事我很抱歉 Sorry about all that.

嗨 宝贝儿 不要坐在车里! Hey, honey, don't sit in the car!

阴道真是太复杂了! Vagina is way too complicated!

是啊 绝不是盖的 Yeah, no shit.

真的? Really?

爸 太威武了 Dad, that was epic!

我从早上开会的时候起就一直攒着这个屁呢 I've been trying to push that puppy out since this morning's conference call.

哇! 我要去拉屎 然后我们看比赛 Woo! I gotta take a massive dump, and then we're watching the game.

- 嗯 - 好的! - Yeah. - Yes!

真棒! Oh, nice!

丹碧丝月经棉塞 全方位防漏

快点 过来 过来 Come on, come on, come on, come on.

看我们找到谁了 Look who we found.

J.J.? J.J.?

- 史蒂夫·施瑞德? - 我就说吧 - Stevie Schraeder? - I freaking told you.

靠.. 妈的! 怎么找到他的? Wh... What the fuck! How'd he get there?

史蒂夫 跟他们说电影四十三的事! Stevie, tell them about Movie 43!

什么电影四十三? 他们一直在问我这个 What's Movie 43? They keep asking me that.

把史蒂夫·施瑞德的手指切下来 Cut off Stevie Schraeder's finger.

什么! What!

不 不要切史蒂夫·施瑞德的手指! No, don't cut off Stevie Schraeder's finger!

不要切我的手指! 求你了! Don't cut off Stevie Schraeder's finger! Please!

电影四十三不是真的 Movie 43 isn't real.

只是我和卡尔文编出来耍你的! It's just something Calvin and I made up to prank you!

显然它一定是存在的 Well, apparently it is real,

我们要找到它 and we need to find it

不然你那傻逼朋友就死定了! or else your stupid friend dies!

- 除非... - 除非什么? 什么? - Unless... - Unless what? Unless what?

我可以做一个91-F-西塔箱 I can fashion a ninety-one-F-Theta Box.

不要 不要用西塔箱 拜托! 不要那样做! No. Not the Theta Box. Please! Do not do that!

快去! 弄个西塔箱 管它是什么呢 Go! Make a Theta Box, dude. Whatever that is.

好吧 不用等我 Okay. Don't wait for me.

检索"电影四十三"+"是否存在"

电影四十三在哪 在哪? Movie 43. Wh... Where is it? Where is it?

混蛋 滚开 Go fuck yourself, asshole!

别这样 Don't do this.

布莱恩 我们是最好的朋友啊 别搬走 Brian, we're best friends, man. You can't move out.

你干了我的女友 老兄 You fucked my girlfriend, dude.

才一次 One time.

连续干了一周 For a week.

- 什么? - 但我想补偿你的 - What? - But I want to make it up to you.

我能干你女友吗? Can I fuck your girlfriend?

可以 但是她发现我睡了你女友之后 Yes, but she broke up with me...

就和我分手了 when she found out I slept with your girlfriend...

所以这事我办不了 so I can't arrange it.

但布莱恩 我有惊喜给你 But Brian, I got you something.

最好的生日礼物 你一定会喜欢的 Best birthday present ever. You are going to love this.

- 有必要吗? - 相信我 - Is this really necessary? - Trust me.

最好是... It's better if it's a...

一 二 三 想不到吧 One, two, three, surprise!

吃惊吧 老兄 生日快乐 I know, right, buddy? Happy birthday.

你绑架了一个爱尔兰小矮子 You kidnapped an Irish midget.

小矮妖:爱尔兰精灵 喜欢搞恶作剧

不 这是小矮妖 No, I caught you a leprechaun.

笨蛋 根本就没有小矮妖 Moron. There's no such thing as leprechauns.

老兄 看着 Dude, watch this.

嘿 小兄弟 Hey, little buddy.

跟我朋友说 你会给我们一大罐黄金 Tell my friend you're going to give us a big pot of gold.

我要切掉你蛋蛋然后喂你们吃掉 I'm going to cut off your balls and feed them to you!

天啊 Good Lord.

他在开玩笑 他会给我们黄金的 He's just joking. He's got to give us the gold.

这是行规 是吧? That's the rules. Right?

你等着看我操死你! The last thing you'll ever see is my cock, skull-fucking you!

我再问他一次 Let me ask him again.

你他妈的把黄金交出来 Give us the fucking gold!

我拿一把破剪刀操翻你时 Do you want the lights on or off...

你喜望开着灯还是关灯呢? when I fuck you with a pair of rusty scissors?

住手 住手 冷静 冷静 Stop, stop! Chill! Chill!

你在干什么? 你这样会弄死他的 What are you doing? You're going to kill him!

当心 放松 我来处理 好吗? 我来处理 Watch out! Relax! I'll handle this, okay? I'll handle this.

嘿 小矮妖先生 Hey, Mr. Leprechaun.

我为此感到非常抱歉 I am super sorry about this.

这是个误会 It's just a misunderstanding,

我马上就给你松绑 把你放了 so what I'm going to do... is untie you and let you go.

这样如何? How does that sound?

好的 但首先 Okay... but first...

先给我口爆一下 你这狗娘养的杂种 Lick my crusty Irish taint, you yeast-breeding cunt hole!

去死 去死 你这小混球 Die! Die, you little magical fuck!

哇 停 停 好好想想 Whoa, stop! Stop! Think!

他死了 就无法告诉我们黄金藏在哪 If he's dead, he can't tell us where the gold is!

该死的巨人 不要脸的混蛋 Fucking giants. Motherfucking full-growns!

一结束 我马上干破你妈的私穴 When all this is over, I'm going to crawl up your mother's cunt...

再在上面插棍点篝火 and start a fucking campfire!

闭嘴 你什么也做不了 Hey! No! Shut up! You can't do anything...

你这么个矬样 被绑在椅子上 because you're tiny and tied to a chair,

没人知道你在哪 and nobody knows where you are.

没人知道 No one!

此言差矣 I wouldn't bet on that.

谁打过来? Who's calling?

喂 Hello?

快死之人就是这么说话的 So this is what a dead man sounds like.

- 又一个小矮妖 - 操 - It's another leprechaun. - Fuck!

是我哥哥打来的话 If that's my brother...

做好老二被绑到消防栓上的准备吧 prepare to have your dickhole stretched over a fucking fire hydrant!

- 你怎么那么嘴贱? - 封住他嘴 - What's wrong with your fucking mouth? - Gag him.

你的蛋蛋 Your balls...

听着 你这个臭婊子 Listen, Cookie O' Puss...

小矮妖在我这 把金子交出来 不然我杀了他 I got a leprechaun and I want some gold or we're going to kill him.

我把你的蛋蛋切了怎么样? How do you feel about having your balls cut off?

靠 他们那么喜欢蛋蛋 Jeez, they're so into balls.

我是认真的 最好把金子交出来 I'm serious. You better make with the gold...

不然你的小矮妖就要被大卸八块 or your little green man will be pushing up four-leaf clovers!

你的语气够强硬 很好 That was so good. You sounded so tough.

好吧 Okay.

他说什么? What did he say?

他说好吧 He said "Okay."

不可能 他怎么来得这么快? No way. How did he get here so fast?

太好了 Sweet!

- 金币 - 金的 - Gold coins! - Gold!

- 老兄 生日快乐 - 太好了 - Happy birthday, dude! - Holy crap!

我们得到金币了 还留着这个小贱货? So, we get the gold and we keep this little fucker?

你听见没? 看来你的护身符失效了啊 Did you hear that? Looks like your lucky charms just ran out.

现在是谁的魔法管用啊 臭婊子? Who's magically delicious now, bitch?

什么? 你说什么? What? Did you say something?

有个这么大个金盆 听不见你讲什么 I couldn't hear you over my giant pot of leprechaun gold!

今早的高潮来了 婊子们 Top o' the morning, ladies!

他打中了我的眼睛 He shot me in the eye!

他打中了我的乳头 He shot me in my nipples!

我一只眼瞎了 I'm half goddamn blind!

让你知道凯尔特人的厉害 Taste Celtic steel!

老兄 就是这样 干死他 That's right, brother! Fuck him up good!

这就是拿走小矮妖的黄金的下场 This is what happens when you take a leprechaun's gold!

用你的小妖刀捅他 切掉他蛋蛋 Stab him with your leprechaun knife! Cut off his balls!

快上啊! Go leprechauns!

- 见天国去吧 - 什么? - Walk to the rainbow. - What?

- 切掉他蛋蛋 - 救命 皮特 救命! - Cut off his balls! - Help! Pete! Help!

我要把你蛋蛋剁碎! I'm going to mangle your balls!

开枪打死这个死小矮妖 Shoot him! Shoot the fucking leprechaun!

你个笨蛋 不是那个小矮妖 是这个! You moron! Not that leprechaun! This leprechaun!

圣帕特里克:爱尔兰守护神

跟圣帕特里克说这样爽死了 Tell St. Patty you like it up the ass!

现在怎么办? What now?

这些小矮妖也太小了嘛 Not much to these guys.

是啊 比我想象中的还小 Yeah. I thought they'd be bigger.

嘿 皮特 我要对你说声谢谢 Hey, Pete, I just want to say thank you.

- 是啊 黄金很多 - 不仅仅是因为黄金 - Yeah, it is a lot of gold. - Nah, it's more than gold.

抓住小矮妖肯定也费了不少工夫 Catching that leprechaun must have been hard work.

只有真正的朋友才会为我这么做 Something that only a true friend would do for me.

我要是没有睡过你女友就好了 Yeah, well, I should have never slept with your girlfriend.

没关系 再买个新女友就好了 Whatever. We can buy new girlfriends.

老兄 我都把你的第二份生日礼物给忘了 Dude, I totally forgot the second part of your gift!

不是吧? Really?

- 她是谁? - 仙女 童话书中的仙女 - Who is she? - She's a fairy. Storybook fairy.

要个仙女有什么用? What the hell am I supposed to do with a fairy?

你给我金币 我帮你吹箫 I suck cock for gold coins.

J.J. 腾个地方出来! J.J., make some space!

我能做点什么? What can I do?

找点金属来 现在就要 I need metal. Right now! Go!

用你的拆装玩具 Use your Tinker Toys.

奖杯 勺子 Trophies! Spoons!

别再冲我喊了 马上就好 Stop yelling at me! I'll do it!

- 好 - 开始 启动序列 - Right. - I'm go. Initiate sequence.

这样有效吗? Is this going to work?

但愿行 It better!

好了 Here we go!

怎么搞呢? How do you do this?

快好了 We're getting close!

看到没? Yeah?

是啊 快成功了 Yes, we're getting very close!

一杯玛格丽塔 谢谢 Uno marguerita, por favor?

加盐吗? You want salt?

嗯 很好 Sí, bueno.

- 你呢? - 朗姆鸡尾酒 谢谢 - And for you? - Whynatte and rum, please.

好的 Got it.

问你个问题好吗? 私人问题 Do you mind me asking a question? It may seem personal.

我很吃惊 I'm quite surprised

您有这么一张漂亮的脸蛋还要求助于 that a lady with your face needs to resort to...

- 婚恋网? - 是啊 - Match dot com? - Right.

说真的 我身边的备选者全部都很无趣 Truth is, I have completely exhausted all of my options.

- 是吗? - 是啊 - Really? - Yeah.

真可惜 你的生活圈子真的那样? Oh, dear. That's a shame. And are you from the area?

不 我们别这样 好吗? No. Let's not do that, okay?

这些年我相亲无数 I've been on so many blind dates in the past year,

他们总是问同样的问题 and they're all the same.

"你住哪? 你姐妹是做什么的?" "Where are you from? What does your sister do?

你的父亲..." 一堆废话 What does your father..." Blah, blah, blah.

就算我父亲是清洁工 你真的在乎吗? Do you really care if my father is a garbage man?

你的父亲是清洁工吗? Is your father a garbage man?

不是 这不是重点 No, he's not! That's the point.

- 管他呢? - 无关紧要 - Who cares? - Not important.

所以别再那样问了 这次约会我们玩点新花样 So let's not do that. Let's have this date be different.

- 说点切实际的 好吗? - 好 - Let's talk about real things, okay? - Great.

- 直接了当地说话 - 我一向如此 - Real, straight conversations. - I'm all about that.

你父亲到底是做什么的? So what does your father do for a living?

好吧 来玩个游戏 Okay. Let's play a game.

- 好 - 你玩过真心话大冒险吗? - Okay. - Have you played Truth or Dare?

没玩过 但我听说过 I haven't played it, but I'm aware of it.

那你先吧 你先问我 "真心话还是挑战" Well, you start first. You ask me, "Truth or Dare."

- 真心话还是挑战? - 真心话 - Truth or Dare? - Truth.

在这个神奇的宇宙 Is there any possibility in this noble cosmos...

或其他的平行宇宙里 or any alternative parallel cosmos where you might...

有没有可能 我是你的菜? Is there any chance I'm your type?

当然有 你长得高 Yeah. Yeah. You're tall.

- 高个子好? - 我喜欢高个子 - And that's good? - I like tall.

好吧 真心话还是挑战? Okay, Truth or Dare?

真心话 Truth?

就知道你会这么说 我说的会有点过哦 I knew you'd say that. I am going to push the limits just a little bit.

- 你切过包皮吗? - 我切包皮了吗? - Are you circumcised? - Am I circumcised?

这是隐私 That's personal.

在我住的地方 没有切包皮的习惯 Circumcision has never really taken off, to be honest, where I'm from.

这个不是 不是很流行 It's not... it's not the vogue.

我觉得只有犹太人会这么做 I tend to associate it with Jewish people...

在欧洲又没有多少犹太人 and we don't have many Jewish people in Europe anymore...

因为他们摊上点... 小麻烦 because of the... trouble.

所以 我没有切 So, no, I'm not.

但如果你想让我切 我可以切的 But if you would need me to get circumcised, I'm sure I could.

- 真心话还是挑战? - 真心话 - Truth or Dare? - Truth.

你最后一次亲男人是什么时候? When was the last time you kissed a man?

二十六天前 在普拉提工作室后的小巷里 Twenty-six days ago in an alley behind a Pilates studio.

真心话还是挑战? Truth or Dare?

挑战 我试试挑战 Dare. I'm going to go with a Dare.

好的 终于来点给力的了 Here we go. Now we're cooking. Okay.

我向你挑战 你要去那边 I dare you to go over there.

看到穿黑夹克的那个猛男了吗? See that man with the black jacket? The husky guy?

我向你挑战 去捏他屁股 I dare you to go and pinch his ass.

- 要做什么? - 去捏他屁股 - Do what now? - Just cup it.

抓住他屁股 捏捏 Grab his cheeks and cup it.

- 不了吧 - 去吧 - No. - Yeah.

是你说挑战的 不是我 挑战就是要这样 You said Dare, not me. That's what Dare is.

- 你看看他 他那么... - 我见了 - Have a look at him. He's quite... - I see him.

去他身后 捏他屁股 Go back there and cup his ass.

他那么强壮 He's quite a stocky man.

- 他可能带着把刀 - 看来我白来了 - He might have a knife. - I don't even have to be here.

你不想玩的话 I can go home and watch Family Guy

我还是回家看好了 if you don't want to play.

我要买单了 打扰一下! I'll get the check. Excuse me!

- 买单 - 她暂时先不买单 - Can I have the check? - She doesn't need the check.

开玩笑而已 She's joking.

- 那去捏他屁股 - 好吧 马上去 - Then go cup his ass. - Okay, I will.

我打电话给他 他从来不接 真受够了 I call him, and he never answers the phone. I'm sick of it.

- 直接去看他 - 你打个电话给他 - Go pay him a visit. - You call him.

我烦透了 真是... I'm sick and tired of it. It's...

- 搞毛啊? - 是我 对不起 - What the fuck? - I did. Sorry.

你他妈的摸我屁股干嘛 你脑子进水啊 You touching my fucking ass! What's the matter with you!

- 你什么意思? 靠 - 对不起 对不起 - What do you mean, you? Fuck you! - Sorry. Sorry.

- 你摸错屁股了 混蛋 - 没事 - You touch the wrong ass, asshole! - It's all good.

你脑子进水了是吧 What's the matter with you?

对不起 很抱歉 对不起 Sorry. Apologies. Sorry.

真不错 That was great!

真心话还是挑战 真心话还是挑战? Truth or Dare? Truth or Dare?

等等 我还没笑够... Wait a minute. Can I enjoy the...

真心话还是挑战? 快点 Truth or Dare? Come on.

好吧 挑战 Okay. Dare.

好 你去捏他的屁股 Right. You go and cup his ass.

不 你不能挑战我同样的事 No. You can't dare me to do the same thing I just dared you to do.

- 真心话还是挑战 - 自己想个点子 - Truth or Dare. - Come up with your own dare.

要有原创性 Be original.

看见那边的失明儿童了吗? See that blind kid over there?

抢在他前面把蜡烛吹灭 Blow out his candles before he can.

我做不来 这太残忍了 I can't do that! That's cruel!

真心话大冒险 规则就是这样 It's Truth or Dare. That's the rule.

那我走了 我回家去了 I could take off if you want. I could go home.

我还是回家看本尼·希尔的影碟好了 I'll probably get home in time to put Benny Hill DVDs on.

- 真的要这样吗? - 看你的表现 - You're doing that? - It's up to you.

好吧 我马上就过去 吹灭蜡烛 I'll go over there and blow out the candles,

但是你要明白 but you need to know something.

战争开始了 This is war.

若是我的生日 我也可以开个派对 I wish it was my birthday So I could party, too

生日快乐 祝你心想事成 Happy, happy birthday May all your dreams come true

我们所有人 都祝你生日快乐 Happy, happy birthday From all of us to you

嘿 Hey!

打扰一下 我出二百刀 Excuse me. I got $200.

把你这身衣服卖我好吗? Can you give me the whole thing?

我向你挑战 把鳄梨酱涂满你右咪咪 I dare you to make guacamole with your right breast.

节选自赫尔曼·麦尔维尔

"阐明一些以后将会详细描述的 "...elucidate several most important, however...

复杂但最为重要的航程及沿途景致" intricate passages and scenes hereafter to be painted."

第六十四章 塔布的晚餐 Chapter 64: Stubb's Supper.

"塔布的鲸鱼在远离船只的地方被杀害" "Stubb's whale had been killed some distance from the ship."

消肿的时候 就会好看很多 艾米莉 When the swelling goes down, you're going to look great, Emily.

谢谢 Thanks, sweetie.

- 很好玩 是不? - 是啊 我非常开心 - That was fun, huh? - Yes. I had a really great time.

是吗? 我也是 Yeah? Me, too.

- 十分有趣 - 我们玩了很多花样 - It was definitely interesting. - Yeah. We did a lot.

是啊 是啊 的确是 Yes. Yeah. We did. We did.

- 好玩死了 - 是啊 - We did it up. - Yes.

真好玩 你真是... It was enchanting. You're really a...

很可爱 very delightful woman.

- 谢谢 - 嗯 - Well, thank you. - Yeah.

现在有点尴尬呐 This is that slightly awkward moment.

呃... Well...

抱歉 No. I'm sorry.

你很好 我玩得真是很开心 You're sweet, really, and I really did have a good time...

但是我对亚洲人实在没有兴趣 but I'm just not that attracted to Asian men.

笨蛋 快进来 姚明 Psych! Get in here, Yao Ming!

这两个大咪咪怎么能浪费 We don't want these puppies to go to waste.

老兄 Dude...

快好了 We're getting closer!

- 再来一次 - 我快疯了 老兄 - I need one more! - I'm freaking out, man!

水龟协议启动 Terrapin Protocol initiated.

我失败了 I have failed.

你找到电影四十三了 You have found Movie 43.

- 你都做了什么啊 - 电影四十三 - What the fuck did you do? - Movie 43.

我在俄罗斯的时候是个摄影师 I used to be great cameraman in Russia.

老兄 怎么停电了? Dude, what's up with the power?

任务完成 Mission accomplished.

- 时间不多了 - 你这个混蛋 - We don't have much time. - You little shit!

我们找到电影四十三了 老兄 We found Movie 43, buddy.

很好 终于找到了 Good. We found it.

搞什么啊? 老兄 那个是你 The fuck? Dude, that's you!

我是巴克斯特 卡特勒 My name is Baxter Cutler.

自黑暗降临以来已经一百四十一天了 It has been 141 days since The Darkness.

J.J. 卡尔文还有巴克斯特 J.J., Calvin and Baxter,

这就是你们找的电影四十三! this is Movie 43!

你们俩二逼要我找电影四十三的过程中 You see, when you idiots made me search for Movie 43...

我们不当心触发了水龟协议 we triggered the Terrapin Protocol,

这可是冷战时期的极密 the top-secret Cold War initiative...

用来控制全美人民的思想 to control the mind of every American citizen.

这样一来 在苏联进攻的时候 So that in the event of a Soviet attack...

所有的男人 女人还有孩子们 every man, woman and child

都能被转换为杀戮机器 would be converted into fighting machines.

问题在于现在苏联已经不存在了 Only there were no more Soviets to fight.

所以大家开始自相残杀 国家已成为一片废墟 So everyone turned on each other and now the country is in ruins.

中国? 没了! 俄罗斯? 没了! China? Gone! Russia? Gone!

阿姆斯特丹? Amsterdam?

仍旧不算一个他妈的国家! 没了! Still not a goddamn country! Gone!

这就是我向过去传递这条消息的原因 That is why I'm sending this message back in time.

巴克斯特 听着 你得入侵... Baxter, listen to me. You need to hack into...

老大 周围已肃清! Boss, the perimeter's clear!

你妹的 J.J.! 我正尝试着改写历史! Son of a bitch, J.J.! I'm trying to rewrite the fucking past!

是吗? 有几个感染者刚差点要了你的命! Yeah? Some Infecteds were trying to rewrite your fucking existence!

逃了两个 Two got away.

逮到一个 One did not.

哥们 这太牛叉了! 这是在哪儿啊? Oh, man, this is sick! Where am I?

喂过瘸瘸了没? Has the cripple been fed?

对不起 妈妈! 对不起 妈妈! I'm sorry, Mommy! I'm sorry, Mom!

雨人: 电影 主人公患有自闭症

为毛我是个智障? Why am I Rain Man?

让西塔拉喂他吃饭 Make Sitara feed him.

你他妈的喂他去! 我要外出杀敌 You fucking feed him! I need to be out slaughtering.

不行! 你怀着我的种 No! You carry my seed.

你必须呆在安全的地方 让我时刻能保护你 You must stay here where it's safe, where I can protect you.

- 我很抱歉! - 过来 美人儿 - I'm sorry! - Come here, Mama.

- 妈妈 对不起 - 言归正传 - Sorry, Mommy. - Back to business.

安全漏洞! 安全漏洞! 开始撤离 Security breach! Security breach! Commence evasive maneuvers.

- 撤离! - 妈的 他们跳线跨接了! - Defensive maneuvers! - Dammit, they jumped the wire!

万科维奇! 对着我 你个毛子傻叉! Vrankovich! On me, you dumb Ruskie!

巴克斯特! 你能阻止这一切的发生! Baxter! You can prevent this from happening!

用德国情报局的M-7斯巴达程序 Hack into the Department of Defense security mainframe...

入侵国防部的安全主机 using a Mark-7 Spartan from the Bundesnachrichtendienst...

- 不可能! - 我勒个去! - No way! - Oh, shit!

- 这太牛叉了! - 不可能! - That was awesome! - No way!

哥们! 牛叉啊! Dude! No way!

我再也不开你的玩笑了 完毕 I'm never making fun of you again. Period.

我们本想着恶整你来着! 你反过来... We were trying to prank you! You turned that around...

我发誓这不是恶整! I swear it wasn't a prank!

我的天 你觉得我会相信... Oh, my God. You're expecting me to believe...

六个月后这个世界会毁灭... that somehow in the next six months the whole world ends...

而我成了个流着口水的瘸子? and I'm a drooling cripple?

又不是我做的! I didn't do it!

你到底...? What are you...?

灯是怎么了? 真是诡异 What's with the lights? That was weird.

话说我要去超市了 有谁要带什么吗? So, I'm going to the supermarket. Does anyone need anything?

不会吧 No.

怎么了? What is it?

不会吧! No!

抱歉 妈妈! 我很抱歉! I'm sorry, Mommy! I'm sorry!

你在抱歉些什么? What are you sorry about?

- 出什么事了? - 我擦! - What's happening? - Shit!

神啊! God!

我能搞定这个! M-7斯巴达! I can fix this! Mark-7 Spartan!

那台电脑已经烧了 把我的手提从房间拿来! That computer's fried. Go get my laptop out of my room!

好的 我去! 我去 别着急 All right, I got it! I got it. Don't worry.

- 别让他自残 - 他为什么会自残? - Don't let him pull his own dick off. - Why would he pull his own dick off?

我他妈的拿到了! 我拿到了! I fucking got it! I got it!

我的电脑怎么反应这么慢? Why is my computer so slow?

我电脑里怎么会有毛片? Why is there porn on my computer?

愚人节快乐 April Fools.

我擦! Oh, shit!

两年三个月又四天后

真难以置信! I can't believe it!

- 是否撤销水龟协议?

- 使世界恢复正常?

- 确定?

- 真的确定?

- 百分百确定?

- 真遗憾那是不可能的 看个电影如何?

一九五九年 肯尼·杰克逊执教的 In 1959, Kenny Jackson coached

埃里森高中的旅行者篮球队 the Ellison High Journeymen...

是打进国家级赛事的 to become the first Negro high school team...

首支黑人球队 ever to compete for a state title.

并获得胜利的荣光这一头衔 Theirs was victory's glory.

大家伙儿快动起来 你们怎么还傻坐着? Come on, y'all. Why y'all still sitting here?

比赛马上就要开始了 The game's all about to start.

我们很害怕 教练 Coach, we scared.

外面有上万的白人觉得我们不够出色 There's 10,000 white people out there that think that we ain't good enough.

你知道吗? 可能我们确实不够出色 You know what? Maybe we ain't.

你们都这么觉得? All of y'all feel like that?

五百年来 这个国家的黑人 Four hundred years in this country...

一直被唾弃 被殴打 the black man has been spit on, kicked...

被诋毁 drag through the mud.

但是有两件事情是我能确定的 But I've got two things I can tell you.

第一 不管是输是赢 Number one, win or lose...

我都以你们为傲 I am so proud of y'all.

第二... Number two...

你们一定会赢的 You're going to win.

就是那么让人蛋疼的简单 It's just that plain and fucking simple.

你们一定会赢的! You're going to win!

但是海克利技校来的那些白人男孩... But them white boys from Hickory Tech...

我们打的是什么比赛? What game are we playing?

是篮球 教练 Basketball, Coach.

他们的肤色是什么? What color is their skin?

- 白色 - 正是! - White. - Exactly!

他们是白人 你们是黑人 They're white, you're black.

这是篮球比赛... This is basketball...

我他妈说的话你们听不懂吗? Am I speaking fucking Chinese?

你们可是二十五战全胜啊 孩子们 Come on, people. You guys are 25 and 0.

是的 教练 但那是面对全黑人的球队 Yeah, Coach, but that was against all-black teams.

这就是了! That's the point!

你们会把那些高加索小鬼虐出翔的! Y'all are going to kill those Caucasians!

但是 教练 看看他们的基本素质 But, Coach, look at their fundamentals.

基本素质! 这不是问题! The fundamentals! It doesn't matter!

哪怕是个白种铁脚板人猿 It's all the same when you're some cement-foot troglodyte white boy...

被人骑在胯下 头顶黑蛋蛋的时候 getting dunked on with a big pair of black fucking nuts...

也就那么个熊样! hanging on your forehead!

说到蛋蛋... 卢西斯 Speaking of nuts... Lucious.

站到前面来 卢西斯 Come on up here, Lucious.

告诉大家 你的鸡鸡有多长? Tell them. How long is your dick?

我也不知道 教练 大概有一英尺 I don't know, Coach. Like a foot.

一尺半吧 Foot and a half.

一尺半... Foot and a ha...

一尺半? Foot and a half?

他们的胳膊都没那么长! Their arm ain't even that long!

我们来给他们点颜色瞧瞧 害怕了吧? All right, let's kick some butt. You scared?

啧 啧 啧 Well, well, well.

你们这帮黑鬼倒是打球不打? You Negroes going to play basketball, or what?

就是 你们这帮黑鬼怎么了? Yeah, you Negroes. What's the matter?

明白你们玩不了白人的游戏了 黑鬼? Did you realize you didn't belong in a white man's game, you Negroes?

那是 这可不是黑鬼的游戏 That's right. This isn't a game for Negroes.

这是正直 优秀的白人间的比赛 It's a game for good, honest white people,

没黑鬼的事儿 not for Negroes.

听到没 黑鬼? You understand, Negroes?

- 白色骑士! - 白色骑士! - White Knights! - White Knights!

娘嘞 教练 他们看着真横 Man, Coach, they looked tough.

"他们看着真横"? 我好怕怕哦! "They looked tough"? I'm so scared!

你知道他们会干些什么? You know what they might do?

其中一个可能会左手运球 One of them might dribble with his left hand...

一路运到罚球区 然后来个左手上篮 all the way down the lane and then go up for a left-handed layup...

你知道之后会发生些什么吗? and you know what's going to happen then?

你们这些小黑就会来个重重的盖帽 Your black ass is going to swat that shit...

一步蹦过他们身边 jump over his cracker ass,

让他们眼睁睁看着你们把球灌进篮里! and dunk in his goddamn face!

我他妈的到底还要重复几次? How many fucking times do I have to tell you?

你们是黑人 他们是白人 这不是曲棍球! You're black, they're white, this ain't hockey!

兄弟们 我觉得教练想表达的是关键在于合作 Guys, I think what Coach is trying to say is that the key word is "teamwork."

不是 关键在于你们是黑人 他们是白人! No, the key word is "you're black, they're white"!

那么 教练你是说 如果上帝与我们同在 So, Coach, what you're saying is, if we just walk with the Lord...

上帝? 小黑 上帝早已安排好了! The Lord? Nigger, the Lord done did his part already!

他把你造成了黑人 把他们造成了白人 He made you black. He made them white.

他赐予了你一尺半长的鸡鸡! He gave you a foot-and-a-half dick!

都能拿来运球了! Dribble with that motherfucker!

只要你们都肯去上场 As long as y'all are out there on the floor...

就能比他们拿更多分 you're going to score more points than them.

篮球就是这么打的! That's just how basketball works!

别他妈一起缓缓鼓掌了! Cut that goddamn slow clap shit out!

老子耐心都快磨没了! Dries my motherfucking patience!

滚出去打赢比赛! Go out there and win!

- 我们上! - 走起! - Let's go! - Come on!

你们是黑人!

这是一场荣誉之战 It was a glorious game.

但在第四小节末... But late in the fourth quarter...

卢西斯·威廉姆斯晃荡着他一尺半的鸡鸡 when Lucious Williams dribbled the entire length of the court...

运球过了整场 with his foot-and-a-half penis...

裁判只好判他技术犯规 the referees had no choice but to call a technical foul...

将小博比·李·美孚拉尔送上了罚球线 sending young Bobby Lee Mayflower to the line...

本场比赛最戏剧性的一幕由此上演 for the most dramatic moment of the contest.

大家好啊 Hey, guys. Hello.

你旁边的那个女人是谁? Who is that woman you are with?

那是我妈 That's my mother.

我要找你妈(那啥) I want your mother.

- 巴克斯特 把那鬼东西关掉 - 知道了 - Baxter, turn that shit off, man. - Okay.

我得上个厕所 行吗? I'm going to go to the bathroom, all right?

我他妈做不到啊 I can't fucking do it.

我没试过 但听说过 I don't know, but I been told

我没试过 但听说过 I don't know, but I been told

体育课能让你的蛋蛋变大 Gym class gives you great big balls

体育课能... Gym class gives you...

来扯扯皮 Out here shooting the shit.

有些人拉别人一身 Some guys shoot the shit,

有些人被别人拉一身 对吧? and some people get shot with shit. Right?

- 我说的对吧? - 我不知道他在说什么 - Am I right? - I don't know what he's talking about.

你知道我在说什么的 You know what the fuck I'm talking about.

我想推倒你 I want to be on you.

进入你体内 In you.

- 对不起 我操 - 没事 - Sorry. Fuck. - Not a problem.

不行 No.

不是 我能看见他躲在桌子下边 No, I can just see him underneath the table.

而且他拿手指插我下面已经五分钟了 And he's had his fingers in my pussy for the last five minutes.

阿特·加芬克尔:一位发型狂野的歌手

太可怕了 It's monstrous.

她像是坐在了阿特·加芬克尔的肩上 It looks like she's sitting on Art Garfunkel's shoulders.

想出解决办法前谁都不许走 No one leaves this room till we figure this out.

绞坏的鸡鸡 绞坏的... Mangled dicks. Mangled...

鸡鸡 鸡鸡 鸡鸡 鸡鸡... Dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks...

绞坏的鸡鸡 Mangled dicks.

绞坏的鸡鸡 绞坏的... Mangled dicks. Mangled...

- 鸡鸡复鸡鸡 - 鸡鸡复鸡鸡 - Dicks. - Dicks.

我找到一袋冻豌豆 还有一块海绵 I got frozen peas and a sponge.

不行 米奇 有一面有钢丝绒 No, Mikey, there's steel wool on one side.

妈的 你说的没错 Shit, you're right.

阿曼达 你最好保持黄色面朝上 Okay, Amanda, you're going to want to keep the yellow side up.

要不然非但止不了血 还会流更多血 Otherwise, there's going to be lots more blood.

给个金币 我就给你吹萧 I suck cock for gold coins.

我也是 So do I.

所以你的意思是 要是我们尽十一分的力 So what you're saying is, if we go out there and give 110 percent...

十一分的力! 五分! 三分! A hundred and ten percent! Fifty percent! Three percent!

我觉得教练想说的是 关键在于合作 I think what Coach is trying to say is that the key word here is "teamwork."

卢西斯 你能甩出你的鸡鸡抽丫不? Lucious, will you whip out your dick and smack this motherfucker with it?

- 怎么? - 我更爱你了 - What? - I love you even more.

- 哦 安森- 真的 - Oh, Anson. - I do.

- 我也是 - 是吗? - Me, too. - You do?

他是美国人民的最爱... 毕祖尔 He's America's favorite cat... Beezel

胶着状态

虽然不太好意思 但我还是要说... I'm embarrassed to even say this, but...

怎么? What?

艾米 自从你搬来住之后 我... Amy, ever since you moved in here, I...

- 怎么? - 我更爱你了 - What? - I love you even more.

- 哦 安森- 真的 - Oh, Anson. - I do.

- 我也是 - 是吗? - Me, too. - You do?

毕祖尔! 你好啊 Beezel! How are you?

我的小帅哥怎么样啊? How is my handsome little boy?

安森你有没有觉得你和毕祖尔的感情... Hey, Anson, do you ever feel like your relationship with Beezel...

有些奇怪吗? is a little strange?

艾米! Amy!

别告诉我你竟会吃 Please don't tell me you're one of those girls...

男朋友宠物的醋 that gets jealous of a guy's pet!

虽然这宠物超级蠢! Even if that pet is thuper thilly!

没有没有 我只是觉得他不怎么喜欢我 No, no. I just don't think he likes me very much.

怎么会 艾米 他很喜欢你! Come on, Amy. He loves you!

- 真的? - 当然 - Really? - Yeah.

坐这儿 There we go.

我们进行到哪儿了? Now, where were we?

怎么了? What's wrong?

没什么 Nothing.

滚开! Get off of me!

- 怎么了? - 毕祖尔... - What happened? - Beezel...

尿了我一身! pissed all over me!

哦 不对 他只是喷了你一下 Oh, no, he just sprayed you.

公猫有时候是会这样的 这表示他喜欢你 It's something male cats do sometimes. It means he likes you.

- 他喜欢我? - 是啊 - He likes me? - Yeah.

或者说明他病了 兄弟你病了吗? Or it could mean that he's sick. Buddy, are you sick?

安森他是故意的! Anson, he did this on purpose!

我逮着他在自撸 I caught him masturbating.

他可能只是在搞清洁 He was probably just cleaning himself.

对着你的泳装照自撸! It was to pictures of you in a swimsuit!

猫根本不可能会看照片 Cats can't even process images in that way.

但他并不是普通的猫 But he is not a normal cat.

他当然普通 Of course he is.

他刚刚含了根温度计进嘴里 He just put a fucking thermometer in his mouth!

他拿那当玩具呢 He thinks it's a toy.

哦 毕祖尔 Oh, Beezel.

安森我是爱你 Anson. I love you.

我很爱 但是只要那只小混蛋还在... I do, but as long as that little fucker is around...

我不会和你在一起的 I cannot be with you.

别啊 艾米 艾米 听着 No, Amy, Amy. Look.

只要你高兴 我会把毕祖尔送去别家养 If it'll make you happy, I'll find another home for Beezel.

他只是一只猫 He's just a cat.

但是你... But you...

你是我爱的女人 you're the woman that I love.

- 你真的会处理掉他? - 我会的 - Really, you'd get rid of him? - I will.

- 我爱你 - 我爱你 - I love you. - I love you.

不 我更爱你 No, I love you.

毕祖尔 你在哪儿啊 孩子? Beezel, where are you, boy?

出来 快出来 你个搞老鼠的小贱人 Come out, come out, you little rat-fucker.

毕祖尔! Beezel!

惨了 我跟我妈说我会在一小时内送他过去的 Shit, I told my mother we'd have him there in an hour.

她愿意代我们照顾他就很不错了 She was nice enough to take him off our hands.

- 你能不能去外面找找? - 没问题 - Do you mind checking outside for him? - Absolutely.

我上楼去找找 I'm going to go upstairs.

毕祖尔? Beezel?

你死定了 你个小贱人! That's it, you son of a bitch!

屁精... Cock-sucking...

操蛋... motherfucking...

被加菲猫甩了的混球! Garfield reject piece of shit!

去死吧 你这... Die, you...

地狱来的基佬猫! dick-loving devil cat!

怎么了? What?

别看 Don't look.

妈妈 她在虐待那只小猫... Mommy, she's beating that cat...

它都快死了! to death!

他想弄死我 He tried to kill me.

不 你们不了解 No, you don't understand.

你们不了解 You don't understand.

求你了 Please.

抓住她! Get her!