Original subtitles

Thank you.

Now, I walk through the door and I say... Oh, Eddie, what do I say?

Eddie, what is so hard about this?

You say, hi, Harry.

I know what I say. It's how do I say it. Am I sad?

Am I happy? Am I mad? What is my character motivation here? Eddie, this

porno script.

Don't worry about motivation. Believe me.

That's all you know.

You know, it takes more motivation to do an adult film than it does to do a...

One of those stupid commercials that you do. No, no, it doesn't. He needs the

motivation, okay? Nobody's going to see a little erection, believe me.

Thanks for nothing, Eddie.

Next time I want to run lines, I'll ask my dog.

Now go home.

Hey, come on.

Hey, honey.

Come on, honey. I don't want to argue with you. I mean, really, this is

unnecessary.

All right, I'm sorry.

All right, can we do it?

Okay, and where are we?

I know it's important.

Eddie, this is very important to me. Do you know that they asked Seika first?

Seika, this could be my big break.

Okay, okay, I understand.

We'll try again.

Okay, where do we take it from?

Okay, I'll take it from where I'm on the sofa, and you come in, okay?

Honey, you don't have to fix the dress in rehearsal. You don't have to fix the

fucking purchase permission.

Come on.

Hi,

Harry.

Well, Helene, I thought you'd never come.

Oh, but I haven't come yet.

Honey, who writes this shit?

Drop my rhythm!

What am I supposed to do? It's funny.

All right, I'm sorry. I'll be a good boy, okay?

I mean, that's exactly Shakespeare. All right, all right, okay.

We'll take it where I'll start, okay?

Yeah, page three, okay? Okay, yeah. We're sitting over here.

Okay, here we go.

Helene, I've always wanted you to... What are you doing?

I'm getting Ted's gift card.

Yeah, I bet you are.

You're just jealous because the last time you worked was on that stupid prune

juice commercial.

Yeah, but I was a good prune.

Honey, you know, you really should have tried out for these features.

They could be really gorgeous.

Yeah, but honey, you know I'm into the soaps.

Why don't we just... Honey, can we just do this again, maybe? Can we try?

Oh, can we please?

Yeah, we just played for a while.

Can we do this for you?

Mm -hmm.

For me? Oh, God.

Right, I'll do this for you.

Okay.

This is the procedure.

Am I a prop or am I your boyfriend right now?

That's what I want to know.

You're our victim.

Our hero.

We love you.

I know.

I love them porno sounds but Amen.

Well, you must mock him dead.

Oh, my skirt's so tight, baby. I could hardly fit it on. Oh, baby, don't feed

me, baby.

Like when you go to bed? Yeah, of course.

What a nice little bitch you are.

Did you?

Are you talking to anybody else?

Spiderman. Spiderman.

Spiderman. Spiderman.

Spiderman.

God, you taste good.

So long.

I'm happy to see that you came.

I just did.

And I hope you did.

Are you kidding?

All over you.

My little starlet.

Mine.

Darling, would you mind rubbing my neck? It really is stiff.

A little lower.

Hey, thanks for the gig anyway, Rob.

It's the least I can do for a starring actor, especially now that I got a role.

Although I wish I was acting, you know, not just being a production assistant.

But where would we be without PAs?

Eddie, get Leo another donut over here. Come on.

See what I mean?

Yeah, production assistant my foot. Why don't they just cut the crap and call me

a gopher? Hey, there's a part coming up for the new judge in town.

Really? Yeah.

Put me down for an audition.

All right, Eddie, but hey, it's for a lady judge.

It's your donut, son.

Thanks, son.

You're new around here, aren't you?

Yeah, but not in the business, son.

I'm an actor.

Aren't we all, son?

Aren't we all?

In, out.

In, out. The secret's in the breathing, baby.

Hey, Jerry, give me a break.

I'm getting tired just watching you.

Eddie, the only reason you're getting tired is because you sit around eating

that crap all day and don't exercise.

Oh, well, that makes sense.

Yeah, it does make sense. Look at you. You're sitting there eating ice cream.

You are what you eat. And you're going to turn into a giant ice cream sundae.

Hey, then maybe the girls will want to eat me.

Nothing wrong with that.

Seriously, Eddie, what are you going to do? Sit around all day?

Not this way, back on the couch. I happen to sleep on this couch.

Okay, okay. What are you going to do? Sit around all day?

Eat junk food? Get fat? No one's going to want to hire you. You know that,

you? Well, did you ever have a skinny prune?

You know, there's a lot of good work for actors, fat or thin.

In fact, I even heard of a job today.

Oh, now what are you going to do? Turn on the TV, sit around, eat junk food all

day, watch television, and you're going to be just like my ex -wife. You know

that, don't you? Oh, really?

Will you watch it with me? Oh, here. This is it. Look, look. This is it. This

one.

Yes.

I could eat you alive.

What the hell is this? X -rayed or what?

No, this is what your ex -wife was watching while you were busting your

driving a cab.

No wonder that bitch was fired up all the time.

Jesus Christ.

Now, Miss Oglesby, we must retain some decorum.

I have a man waiting outside for me to sentence him to a horrible death or a

life of solitary confinement.

Oh, Judge, you carry such a heavy responsibility.

And so do you, my dear.

And so do you.

So what part are you up for? The busty broad?

The judge with the tasty dandruff. Neither.

I'm up for the visiting circuit court judge.

Swear to God.

So what's your new name going to be? That's great. Let's celebrate.

My new name is the Honorable Miss Clara Coltrane, known to her friends as Booty.

Hey, buddy, I mean, that beats being Peter the Prune, no?

Eddie, I'm not so sure, buddy.

Honey, would you look at the size of those tits?

God, give me three grand and I'll buy you some.

Are you trying to tell me those are fake?

Come on, look how they bounce around.

Those are real.

Now look, Larry, now she's reaching down on the desk.

Yeah.

Look at her licking up those crumbs, huh?

I bet that little Cruz has a big, thick one, Larry.

Like Ron Jeremy.

Ron who?

Honey, are you talking about the new guy next door?

No, Ron Jeremy, the movie star.

Honey, are you screwing around on me?

No, of course not, you lug.

He's in the movies.

The girls and I watch him on Susan Spitter, Max.

Well, honey, if he's in the movies, how come you know what size his dick is?

Adult movies, honey. Calm down.

You're telling me that you and Susan and the girls watch adult movies?

There's no harm in it.

I guess not.

If you learn something.

Honey, why don't you show me what you learn from those adult movies?

movies for a long time.

That's damn good.

You garden bearer.

Delicious, baby.

Delicious?

Delicious, too.

I think you've been getting a great education.

How

many

more scenes do I have? I'm so caught.

Oh, baby, don't leave me now.

Can we do this?

Yeah, hold on a second, all right?

Okay. All right. Everybody's fine with that, please?

All right. All right. Get down here and rotate.

All right. And ready, Mark?

And... Do I look good?

Right. Everything okay?

In good shape.

And... Ready, Robin?

And...

Actually, yes.

So, Judge Reagan, the case is being continued despite your interference.

You are an impertinent young upstart, Mr. Rhodes.

Now, I would never have gotten you this job if your father hadn't been one of my

closest friends.

Job? My father didn't give me this job. I got this job because of my father's

good name in this town.

Don't you talk back to me.

Wait, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Marlene, this is awful.

Cut.

What now, Leo?

Isn't there supposed to be some sex or something here? This is so dull.

This is not a porno film.

This is a soap.

Everybody doesn't have to end up in bed all the time.

Just most of it.

Why all this dialogue, Marlene, honey?

It's called exposition.

Don't you remember? Drama school, exposition.

Aren't we finished yet?

All right.

But, God, when do we get to the girls?

Soon enough.

Soon enough, okay?

If you just be patient.

Besides, I have someone waiting for you in the wings. A new circuit judge.

Really? The new actress?

Is she pretty?

Blonde? You'll have to wait and see.

You'll have to wait and see.

Just wait.

You'll get your dress deserts.

Nothing like a new pussy.

I've had every woman on this set and I'm getting bored.

Even Juliet?

Oh,

that happens to me too.

Oh, what?

My bra cuts into my flesh right here.

Oh, it does, doesn't it?

You must be the new judge.

Yes, I am.

And who are you?

I'm Lucy, flat lawyer for the defense.

But my real name's Juliet.

Well, how you doing, Juliet? Glad to meet you.

Well, is there a Romeo?

Sometimes. What may I call you?

Well, my name is Edwina, Edwina Curran. But you can call me Bootsy so I can keep

in tune to my character.

Okay, Bootsy. I'll see you on the set.

Bye -bye. Bye. There, Juliet.

You must be Bootsy.

Well, yes, I believe I am.

So I'm Annette.

You're prettier than what the stage manager said.

I am?

Yeah, he said you were a real dog.

A dog, huh?

It probably was that little short pig -faced guy outside.

You got it.

Well, what are you doing now?

Oh, God, about once a month my tits hurt so bad. The only way they feel better

is if I massage them.

Oh, I do know what you mean about massage and... Yeah.

Gee, you have a nice set of bundle there.

Two bundles?

Yeah. You're not so flat -chested yourself.

Oh, I'm not?

Oh, well, no, I'm not, actually.

Oh.

You have nice hands.

Well, thank you.

I thought they'd feel good.

Why don't you massage them for a while?

I beg your pardon?

You've got such a nice hand. They would feel better.

Oh, uh, well... Over here. We can do it over here.

Uh -huh.

It doesn't feel better. It's a nice hand.

Well, I believe I do have nice hands, but, I mean, do something like this.

Nobody will come in.

Yeah. You know, you... It's better already.

It does?

Mm -hmm.

You like that?

My boyfriend, Leo.

Yeah. Well, honey, why don't you just forget about Leo at this moment and

concentrate, you know, kind of feel like what we're doing, you know?

You feeling dizzy?

I beg your pardon?

You know, go to bed with other girls.

Um...

Yes, occasionally.

Yes.

I think I better go.

No, I do. I have to go.

I will talk to you later.

Is that her?

That's her.

She's kind of big, isn't she?

I thought you liked them big, Leo.

Big up here, not all over.

Just make sure she doesn't get on top.

Funny.

You've got to be kidding.

She's a female, isn't she?

Well, no female is ever safe around Leo Cruz.

He must be the Honorable Clara Coltrane, alias Bootsy. Yes, and you're Leo Cruz.

I've heard all about you. Yes, I would think so. The girls do like to talk.

Well, I have to be going. I'm on next.

Yes, indeed.

It's the scene where we come together in passion and embrace.

Well, I have to be going now. I'll see you later.

See you in the clinches, my dear.

Do you have your mind?

Oh, yes, I think so.

Oh, great.

I should have done this before, actually.

Sorry about that.

No problem.

Feeling good?

Mine are fine, thank you.

Great, great.

Great. Knock him down at winter. I sure will. Thank you, Mama Anna. Bye -bye.

How's it going?

Okay, pretty good, except for the bone in my lap.

You think you got one now when you do that scene with Juliet?

You mean when I lay her on the couch after she faints? That's the way it used

be. Now Leo wants you to put her to bed so he can seduce her in the next scene.

Okay, bye -bye now.

Bye -bye, everybody.

Let's get ready.

Let's roll it, Mike.

And... Come on in, Lucy.

Judge Coltrane, I'd like you to meet Judge Rieger.

Clara, at last we meet again.

No, no, don't you come near me, you swine.

What? No, no, after what you did in Calabrese County, how dare you accost

Accost you? That's right.

Nevertheless, you are a real toad, Walter, a real toad. Come on, beg my

Excuse me. Come on, Lucy. Lucy! Lucy, my darling. Oh, get your hands off. I

should be okay with me. I'll take you away from all of this.

What were you trying to prove in there?

Oh, well, honey, I was just trying to improvise. We don't improvise on self

-spacing. It confuses everyone that stayed up the night before learning

lines.

What was that all about, huh?

I'm not sure, but I liked it.

Boy, that new character, man, that Claire Coltrane, she's got some balls,

Yeah, she's kind of sexy.

Don't tell me you like women now, honey.

They do it on X -rated films.

It don't mean nothing.

You know, straight girls do it.

Yeah?

How?

Oh, don't answer that. That might be Terry.

What do you mean, don't answer it?

Could be for me, you know.

You're not the only one who scores women around here.

Well, see, I'm not home. I went for a walk. No, I went to Hawaii.

Yeah, well, wherever you go, either shave or get rid of the skirt, because,

you look like shit. Well, listen, just the time I went to Tahiti, I'll be back

in a week. Don't laugh. It's not funny. Okay, okay, okay.

Serious shit, yeah.

Okay, okay, I'll get it.

Get out of the way, will you? Let me see you.

Ho, ho, ho, ho. What do we have here?

Must be my lucky day. What did I do? Win a prize? What?

Must be Bootsy's roommate. I'm Annette.

Who?

Annette, huh?

Bootsy says she might want to swing. So maybe tonight?

Swing? You mean like party?

Ménage à trois. That kind of stuff, right?

Yeah, you want to play?

Bootsy, forget the grass. We got a live one out here.

Wait, wait, wait.

Just have a seat on the couch.

Have a seat.

Oh, yeah.

Boy down.

Bootsy! Hi, honey.

Sure, don't mind if I do.

How you feeling?

Good. How are you feeling?

Oh, fine, fine.

Thank you.

You're looking good these days. Thank you, Bootsy.

Mm -hmm.

Come on. What's the matter, Bootsy?

What? Relax. You're so tight.

Oh, well, honey, I guess I've never, um, I've never actually indulged in this

manner. In the true way?

Yes. So, uh, I, I, well, this is a little uncomfortable for me. What are

actually doing there, honey?

I hope you get undressed.

Well, I really don't. Yeah, help you get undressed.

I, I, I actually don't want, I mean, this is something I didn't really come

here to get undressed. I, I actually, I smell something burning out in the

kitchen, and I think I should go check the roast. Yeah, I smell it burning,

I smell it. Yeah, I, but.

Stay in one.

No, no, honey, I can't do that. Stay in one. I have to go check the roof.

See you, birds.

Will she come back?

I hope not.

Oh, I should lose this dress.

Is it going to be hard?

I don't know.

You don't, do you?

Don't you like the pants?

Well, you betcha.

I'll betcha.

I picked the pants off, like, right away, quickly.

Some guys, they have all the fun.

I wonder if Bootsy found the burner.

I'll be right with you. I'll be right with you.

Oh. You want me to click the other one?

Not so bad.

Yeah, look at those underwears.

Oh, God, they're beautiful.

Oh, God.

Oh, yes.

Look at these shoes.

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

Did you know what for?

Oh, baby.

Oh, yes.

Oh, God, yes.

This has not been my day today.

Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you.

Oh, my God.

What is it this time?

No, let me guess.

You're doing promos for La Casa Falls.

Can we get out of here, please?

Honey, you know you look kind of cute as a girl.

Rip, get your hand off my dress. I don't feel very cute.

Baby, you think we could kind of, you know, screw while you're in this gap?

What?

But you look so cute as a girl, and it'd be, like, so fun to have a girl, but

not really.

Terry, you know something? You are one weird chick.

But it'd be so fun.

Can we go?

Sure.

Oh, no.

Man, I'll cut it out. We're on in a minute.

Come on, right now.

Oh, baby, you get more beautiful every day.

You know how few women actually get to do this with me?

No, how many?

Very few. Oh, yeah? I must be really lucky then, huh?

It's beyond luck, baby.

Oh, yeah?

What is it?

Think of what it would be like to win a lottery and never have to work again.

Sort of in that league.

I'd like to show me how much you care, baby.

Oh, I think so.

Awww.

I want to feel every inch going.

Oh, baby.

Oh, fuck me. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

It's my time.

Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh,

man.

Sometimes wonder what's better, my acting or my fucking.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, make me calm.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, make me calm.

Oh, fuck it.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, make me calm.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, baby.

Oh, baby. I'm coming back.

Oh, here comes the jazz.

Oh,

here comes the jazz.

Oh.

I know that. A little conceited, too.

All actors are, baby.

Why do you always call me baby?

Because you're so cute.

Are you going to come over for dinner tonight?

I have to visit my mother tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

You bastard.

What's the matter?

I can't believe you.

Your mother's dead. You told that to Annette when you broke up with her and

started seeing me. Get out of here.

Go. Get out of here. I don't want to see you. It's so loud, okay? There's people

in the hall.

In great.

Juliet?

Juliet, what happened?

Oh, Bootsy, everything's wrong.

What was the matter, child?

Everything.

Like what?

Neil left me. He has another girl.

He left me in the cold.

Oh, that's okay, child.

That's okay.

You know, boys will be boys.

Oh, Bootsy.

You have such hard, firm breasts.

Um, Juliet?

What's wrong?

I... I can't do this.

Um...

I'm on set.

And I think I have to go.

Just like the rest of them.

No. No, I'm not. You see why? You just want to rip me off. You never want to

give her yourself.

Just get out of here. Leave me alone.

Leave.

Go.

Marlene, what? What is this?

What? On his nose. What is this on his nose?

Oh, probably chocolate.

Who ordered chocolate?

No more chocolate, no more glaze. Take a memo. No chocolate on the set. No junk

food. Got it. And while you're in my jurisdiction,

you'll do what I tell you. You're wrong, Judge Riga.

I do what I think is best.

Now, I didn't get to this high rank by being told what to do. Now, look,

And don't call me Bootsy.

My name is the Honorable Miss Clara Catrain.

Now, I'm not Bootsy or Tootsy or your honey or your sweetie.

Now, I don't go ahead and call you Wally, do I?

You know, I knew I never should have let a woman be a judge in my county. That's

because you can't look a woman in the eye and know that she's your equal.

No, no, instead you have to lay her on some table and hover over her like a

macho man.

Well, let me tell you something there, Judge.

By the time I get through with this position, I'm going to teach her how to

treat a woman right.

And not manipulate her or seduce her or screw her.

But learn how to love and cherish her as she deserves.

Good day, Judge.

Who told her she could say screw?

I won't have foul language on my fucking soap opera.

Do you understand that? Yeah. Get a note to her and explain it to her. I'll do

it. Thank you. Take care of it. I'll take care of it. All right. Michael,

that last line. Let's rack back to the top and go again.

And furthermore, I'm entitled for three organs for every one of yours.

Didn't you ever hear about women's lives?

Margie, come on.

Come on, let me suck my pussy.

Okay,

let's do it.

Right here.

And I'll make you come to me. Are you going to love this?

There are those guys in the movies you've been watching

I make this.

Mm -hmm. Yeah.

Mm -hmm.

Oh. Mm -hmm. Oh, it's great.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

We'll be back in a minute.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

What do I do?

Oh, you do the chills. The chills? Oh, yeah.

How hard, baby?

Are you cutting all my dick?

There you are.

Thank you.

Oh, hey.

There you go.

There you go. There you go.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh,

yeah. Oh,

yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

Oh, baby.

Oh, shit.

Oh, you're a bad girl, and I love you.

What?

No gymnasium today? No sweat or smell permeating the environment?

Well if you must know, it's my day off.

Besides, that's your friend Annette came by. That's enough of a workout for any

man, you know.

Yeah, well, I think I blew my job.

I think I went too far this time.

What'd you do?

Blew Leo's balls off.

I think that's what he wants you to do to him. No, no, no, no. Leo hates me.

Oh, contrary, my friend. Leo called and informed me that you quite possibly were

the most powerful and fascinating woman he's ever met in his life. Really?

Look at this. This boutier can do no wrong.

Matter of fact, he wanted me to leave you two alone for the evening so he

surprise you with catered dinner and this cock. What?

Now, wait a second, Jerry.

Jerry, I hope you told him to forget it.

Oh.

What I got on it?

I understand he's got nine inches.

Jerry, don't go doing it.

Matter of fact, that could be your Romeo now.

Jerry, look, if you value my life... Come on, you can't remain a virgin

now, Eddie.

So just hang in there, buddy.

Look at this. When I was a man, I didn't even score this much.

Oh, Christ, I could vote.

This could be your Romeo now.

Behave. Hi.

Whoa! Never saw this one on the show before.

I'm Susie, president of Bootsy's Fan Club.

Bootsy, I think you're so marvelous.

You just... I don't know what you do to me, but... Oh, I've never went for girls

before, but for you, I'd definitely become a lesbian. Wait a second here.

Definitely become a lesbian. Why quit with men until you...

Try the best, you know. Oh, never mind him.

Oh, Bootsy, give yourself to me, please.

Jerry, help me. Oh, no, no, no. She looks like she's going to be yours for

evening, friend.

No.

Well, perhaps you can have a feast on the pole. That sounds great, Bootsy.

Oh, sounds great, does it, huh? Threesome. Well, threesomes you want?

you tasty wench. Let me see. I'm going to fix you right up. But what about

Bootsy? Threesome. Just come on. Don't worry about Bootsy. Bootsy needs to be

persuaded. She's mine.

You know, you have the sweetest chest I think I've ever seen.

And now that I've seen that... You've got one of the sweetest chests I think

I've ever seen, too.

Oh, really? Well, how about mine?

Yours is fine, too.

Well, why don't you have a seat?

Well, you know, I think I'd rather do some shopping right now. I've got to

up some eggs.

Don't tell me.

Well, I have to. It's very important.

I'm sure I'll regret it, but you two have a swell time.

A swell time.

I know I'll regret it, but... See you, Boots.

Bye.

Bye, Bootsy.

Bye -bye.

Should be done.

Use your tongue.

Like a ring toss, huh?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

One good turn deserves another here.

All right.

Just lay back in the couch right there.

Oh,

here,

let me take those panties.

Oh, yes.

Purple, one of my favorite colors.

Oh, yes.

Pink, another one of my favorite colors.

Here we go.

Oh, yes.

But always on the back of your clip.

Yeah.

Oh, Jerry.

Let's try it this way. Roll, roll, roll.

I can get all the way into this one.

We'll just hold this one leg up.

This is my leg.

Oh, yeah.

Roll, roll, roll. Come right to me.

Oh, yeah.

Does that feel good?

I hope that this feels even better.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Do it again.

Do it again? Okay.

Tell me when you're screaming for it. Come on. Tell me. Do it. Do it now.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

you're

so

good. Fuck me more.

Oh, God, you're nasty.

Here, come into my desk.

Right here.

Yeah. Oh, you know what I'm talking about already, don't you?

Okay. I'm kind of leaning back.

You can just lay your head on my shoulder.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Boy, this is all shit.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, shit.

Go, go, go, go.

Oh, God, I'm going to cum. I'm going to. I am going to.

I can

do this. I want to fuck you again.

Right now.

Oh, God.

Oh, shit.

We have a lot of fun now.

True love will never happen.

Lucy, I'm really sorry.

I don't mean to say any of those things to you. I was mad at Leo.

Oh, honey, that's all right. I understand. I mean, I deserved it.

Your voice.

What about my... Oh, oh, with my voice. I'm just catching a call. I'm having a

little rescue once in a while.

You know, you'd look really nice as a guy.

I would?

What's going on over there?

Well, will you come on in? Because in the draft, I came to the call, and I'd

talking to Logan.

Because it's a party.

You guys having a party?

Oh, you betcha.

Well, this is exactly what I need to forget about my problems.

Oh, yes.

The hell with Leo.

Fuck love.

Yeah, I agree.

I mean, sex is almost as good as love, isn't it? No, it's better, lady. Better.

I mean, lust is almost as good as love. Right, Bootsy?

Yeah.

Man, I love your new job.

To the end.

Bootsy.

My name is Eddie, and I am a man.

Oh, my God.

And I have a heavy chest, and I have a cock and balls.

Feel wonderful I

Want to make love to you

Oh.

Oh.

I needed that.

You're one of a whole of a guy, aren't you?

Yeah. I believe it. I believe it. Believe me.

It was spooky, but I believe it now.

Yeah, but I like you even better as a woman.

I like you better as a woman.

Can you do me a favor?

Anything, Boopsy.

Like, every once in a while, do you think maybe you could dress up as

We'll talk about it.

Okay.

Thank you.