Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

HE SIGHS Aw.

Woo!

SHE SCREAMS

I mean, you're useless at this.

SCREAMING

Prrp.

Eurgh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello. Thank you.

I'm Greg Davies, welcome to Taskmaster.

Daddy's back, and he's got five naughty children who need to sit

on the naughty step.

Let's hope they behave themselves

and do well in the tasks, because...

..Papa has big slippers and a hair trigger spanking arm.

LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So...

Here we go,

please welcome our five formidable fighters.

They are Andy Zaltzman... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Babatunde Aleshe... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Emma Sidi... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Jack Dee... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Rosie Jones! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And sitting next to me, a man who secretly confessed to me

that he finds all women's sport slow, boring and undignified.

Little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, Greg. Hi.

Well, look, I thought we should go mad at the beginning

and have a game of charades. Yeah?

Yeah. You up for that? Yeah. OK, here we go.

This is the only one. Ooh, look. Hmm. OK.

Can of beans, yeah?

Ooh, look, there's Jack Dee. Ooh, but also watch this, huh?

TINNY VOICE: Hello, Greggy.

Ooh. What is it?

Look, it can say anything at all. We can say anything.

Anything.

Do you know what it is? What?

Jack and the beans talk.

Jack and the beans talk! AUDIENCE GROANS, CHEERS, APPLAUDS

Good one.

Right, first prize task of the series.

What's the category, Alex?

I was shocked when you told me it, Greg, because

it's the best thing that has been inside you.

I know. Unbelievable,

my mum's watching this and I've been inside her.

Greg will give five points for the thing he thinks is best

and at the end of the episode, the overall winner will take home

something that has been inside each of

the four people they've been sitting next to

and themselves. Yummy in my tummy. Your turn.

Andy Zaltzman.

Yes, yes, Greg.

What have you brought that's, um, been inside you?

Well, the best thing that's been inside me Greg is my lung.

Here is Andy's lung...

AUDIENCE GROANS

Hmm. Oh, God.

..that the winner's going to take home.

But that's not Andy's lung, is it?

Because otherwise, Andy would be dead.

Well, it just gives me a great incentive

to win this show so I get them back at the end.

Have you had those lungs inside you?

Yes, I have. You have not!

I have, I have.

You don't like it? I don't like them, no.

Mm-hm. They don't work within the remit of the task. Right.

And they make me feel sick.

Baba, what thing have you brought in

that I might like, that you've had inside you?

I brought something that you will definitely like.

It is a Jamaican oxtail. It's beautiful.

I'm Nigerian, but I love Jamaican food, so that's what I've brought.

And this is some oxtail stew here.

I'm not going to lie. That looks disgusting.

But I'm telling you it tastes delicious.

You know what I'm saying. Has that been inside you?

Yes. Same batch?

Same batch. I mean, the idea of this,

that you bring slightly surprising things in, Baba.

You've just brought in the thing that you like to eat.

Yes! "Yes!"

Baba, it looks delicious,

apart from the sticks that have been thrown on top of it.

Emma, what have you brought in

that you might have had inside yourself, or you have had inside?

So, cos it's the best thing that's been inside you, right?

Yes.

I have brought in my ex,

as represented by a USB stick.

So, I've uploaded a huge amount of material about his life.

It's a bloke. And, uh, he is just a legend. Uh...

Is he an actual legend?

Yeah, no, he's not an actual, well, he's just...

He's not King Arthur. Excuse me!

But the winner gets to plug it in and have a good look.

And as a boyfriend, what was his best quality?

Just, like, nice to be around. He dumped me.

AUDIENCE: Aww...

Did he eject you safely?

He did. He did.

Hello, Jack. Hello.

You all right? Yes, very well, thank you, Greg, yeah.

OK. LAUGHTER

What have you had inside you?

I've brought in, uh, my, well,

one of my favourite toothbrushes.

Um, which I had, uh, I used...

I liked it so much, I used it for several years...

And, um... AUDIENCE MEMBER GROANS

Thank you, yeah.

So I bought this one in 2012, and, uh,

I used it until 2022 or something.

AUDIENCE MEMBER GROANS LOUDLY Here it is.

ALL GROAN No!

Yeah, there it is. Yeah. Jesus Christ, Jack.

It...it...it did discolour in the end.

When we told Jack about the competition,

you told him to bring in...

It was to bring in a good prize, right?

Not to just clear out the shit from his garage?

Rosie Jones, what have you had inside you that you deemed

appropriate to bring on the show?

It is a letter opener.

So, I have recently started living on my own

and I love it.

I am naked the whole time.

That means I get a lot of food on my body.

And I have recently found out that there's been

a smell coming from my belly button.

EMMA GASPS LAUGHTER

So, the finger won't get it.

That does.

It can get in really deep.

And I swear to God, last week,

I got a little bit

of umbilical cord.

EMMA: No, no, no, no!

How deep's your belly button?

Very deep. That's my favourite Bee Gee's, song that.

APPLAUSE

Who has brought in the worst thing?

Well, it's Baba or Andy, isn't it? Let's face it. OK.

So, we're going to give Zaltzman and his horrible lungs one point.

OK, one to Andy. Give Baba two. Two to Baba. Well done.

Yeah, incredibly, getting three points is

a man who lazily grabbed an old toothbrush on his way to the show.

Three to Jack.

You know, it's such an appalling image,

we'll give Rosie Jones five points on this occasion.

There we go. Four to Emma, five to Rosie.

APPLAUSE

It's a very strong start. Right, task one. Let's get going.

OK, here we go, bro.

And hush your sweet, sweet mouth.

Andy.

I'll sit here, shall I?

Yeah, just in front of, uh, Greg.

Look at the state of him.

My lad Greg, very serious, bro.

He needs to smile more,

I'm not going to lie to you, bro.

"Do not say any of this out..."

Mmph.

Oh!

Don't mind...

APPLAUSE

Do you want to explain this task a little bit? Not yet.

Ooh. All right, who are we going to see first?

We're going to start with the guy

people are already calling Andy Zaltzman.

You all right, Andy?

Andy?

HE GASPS AND GROANS SOFTLY

Query?

I've stopped the clock.

I could've gone with quesadilla.

Feel that was an opportunity missed.

Um, at what point during the filming process for this show, Andy,

did you regret wearing full cricket whites?

I've never been in a situation in life where I haven't thought,

"This would be better if I was in cricket whites,"

So, uh, no regrets, no regrets. Oh, all right. Good.

That's encouraging. Um...

Do you ever regret sitting in a big throne like that?

No. Does it not make the rest of your life seem mundane?

I mean, I suppose now you've said it, yeah.

Well, Andy did very well.

He managed to succeed in seven minutes, 54.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

Not bad, is it?

Two more attempts now,

and a little bit more explanation from Baba and Rosie.

"Stare at camera number one

"for at least 30 seconds without smiling."

SHE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY

No! No! No. Right, let's...let's try again.

"Eat an imaginary fly that has just landed on you."

"Look under the 6th..."

"..33rd..."

"..56th..."

"..and 91st..."

"..letters of this task."

Oh, no.

What letters have you got so far, Rosie?

S, T, I.

The first one's right.

What's the second one?

E.

A.

Is it a N?

Wait, OK.

Seal?

You haven't quite finished the task.

Ah, not that seal.

No, not that seal.

Not that seal.

Not that seal.

You're a sneaky little bastard, aren't ya?

"Say a word beginning with Q."

"Fastest wins."

"Your time started when you stared at the camera."

Quiet.

Quiet.

I've stopped the clock. That's it? That's it.

The smiling one. Yeah.

That's my Achilles heel.

I'm so happy.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Baba, the seal misdirection.

It's the sort of thing this little nerd loves to do.

How does it make you feel as a contestant?

At the time, I was just like,

"Who's coming up with this nonsense?"

You know what I'm saying? Like... Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I messed up.

You've come to the right show to mess up.

Um, Rosie I missed what you said your Achilles heel was,

is it not laughing like a town crier or something?

Basically, I've always got to smile,

cos when I don't smile,

people think I'm dead.

Right, that's the end of part one. See you soon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to the first episode of this new series,

where we've begun with a silent task.

Sh! Keep it down big, mouth.

Yes, some have been more silent than others

but there's two people left to see.

Emma Sidi and Jack Dee.

Not tempted to smile at all, Jack?

SHE CHOKES

SHE SIGHS

S-E-A.

Are you guessing the fourth letter?

Ah, see, I've lost my count now. Oh.

And I think it's going to matter. It's going to matter.

Yeah.

Quick.

I've stopped the clock.

What did you come up with?

I mean the first one I thought I came up with seal.

Did you? And I thought, "That's got a nautical feel to it."

That does sound relevant.

Yeah.

"Look under the letters."

Well, yeah or whatever those four letter...

Whatever the... It's not seal.

Well, no, I think it might be seal.

You think it might be seal. Yeah.

So I look OK so then I find a seal and look underneath it.

Well, maybe.

That's a walrus.

That's a shark. There's a seal.

Sea lion, really. Splitting hairs.

Ah, OK. What about this seal?

OK, there was something written there. But it's all come off.

Yeah, you ripped it quite hard there.

I didn't rip it quite hard. What are you talking about?

You were very rough with it.

Don't blame me for shoddy props.

I'll just go and see if we've got another one.

Thanks.

Ah, I've set it on fire.

I mean that's pretty good. "Faster, fastest..."

Good as new.

Is there another one coming, the seal?

Yeah, yes, we're just really sticking it down so it doesn't slip.

Well, what's the point of that? That's what's caused all this.

I've got a task for you.

Ah. Best of luck.

This is me being patient.

Yeah. Maybe this is how you should've done the first one, Jack.

Quick.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Well...

I mean, first things first, let's start with the positives.

Emma. Sure.

Pretty efficient.

Well, yeah, I would... I would argue boringly efficient.

You looked under a seat. There was a bit of fun there.

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

And I'll tell you something else. Yeah?

No-one winks anymore.

Right? And you did a lovely bawdy wink after it.

I didn't mean it to be bawdy,

I more meant, like, you know, we're all in this together.

I've achieved something. I didn't mean sexually bawdy.

I just mean... Fine, fine, sorry, yeah, yeah.

I mean fun bawdy! Fine.

What went wrong, Jack?

Uh, well, OK, uh, full disclosure,

within a couple of minutes, I could see what was going on here.

I thought, "Oh, dear, they've come up with a duff task."

Oh, yeah?

And, uh, to get some mileage out of it,

I'm going to have to find some stuff here.

I should probably cross out what I wrote, then.

Um, what did you write?

Well, I...I say this as a man of a similar vintage, but I wrote,

"This all feels a bit, 'Grandad's not settled into his home yet.'"

Emma said the word quick after three minutes 58.

Jack said the word quick after 41 seconds and 30 minutes.

Just over half an hour.

Wow.

Actually, I want to show you one more,

one more little extra bit of Jack. Do you mind?

Yes, do, yeah. This tickled me.

This is Jack earlier on in the task.

I mean, uh,

it's not my fault this is probably quite boring to watch.

Oh, it's not boring. OK.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

He used the first word beginning with Q that anyone said.

He said it after three minutes 32 seconds.

So a bit quicker than Emma in the end.

Oh, God!

It's cruel.

Even I say that's unfair, but I'll take it.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Sometimes the game can be cruel, Emma.

Yeah.

Oh!

Don't mind.

So, Baba was the slowest in the end. 17 minutes 59. One point.

Oh, Baba!

Then Rosie gets two points.

Andy was the third slowest, three points.

Emma gets four points,

but Jack Dee wins the task and five points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

I'd love to see a scoreboard, please.

All right,

well there are joint leaders at this stage.

It is Jack and Emma on eight points.

Here they are.

APPLAUSE

Another one, please.

Yes, and we're off to a theme park.

Oh, God.

Why are you standing like that, bro?

It's quite windy.

I've got a really bad feeling about this.

Have you been on any of the rides?

No, I haven't. Erm, because...

..it's closed.

Yes. Yeah.

"Knock over exactly 100 cans.

"You must throw all five balls...

"..and pull one rope nice and hard.

"You must stay on the spot at all times,

"and you may not move the spot.

"Closest to 100 cans wins.

"Your time starts now."

APPLAUSE

Let's have a look, then. All right, we'll begin with one man.

He's dressed as a sportsman,

but can he sportsman? It's Andy Zaltzman.

Exactly 100 cans.

How many cans are there?

I reckon there's 200 cans. 200 cans, right.

If I do that, OK.

I think that's 70 cans down.

This is your sport.

The pressure is on here. OK.

Right, I was hoping to get all them down in one go.

I'd say that was unlucky.

Oh, damn! LAUGHTER

What if I throw a tin?

You've opened it.

Right, I'm running out of balls.

Hmm. Running out of tins.

Oh, b...!

LAUGHTER

I was doing very well there.

I very nearly stopped.

That's the most disappointed I've been in a long time.

AUDIENCE AWWS

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was all very impressive initially.

And then, well, what I think is the Zaltzman equivalent

of anarchy happened. Yeah.

That being, you angrily throwing a yoga ball to the left.

Yeah, what else do you do with yoga balls?

I've never really seen what they're for,

apart from hurling in a fit of rage.

So, how many cans did Andy knock down?

There's some good news. You miscounted at the beginning,

you thought there were 200 cans there.

There were actually 160 cans there. Oh, right.

You knocked over 104 cans.

AUDIENCE GASPS CHEERING

That affords me no joy, er,

because I'm supposed to be good with numbers and that's...

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, there's no pleasing some people. No, there's not.

LAUGHTER Good start, who's next?

Now, it's time for some classic R&B - Rosie and Baba.

ROSIE: OK.

We may need more balls.

What's your tactic? Just throw it, innit?

Yeah, baby!

Oh, no.

Going very high on the stacks.

Bro! I didn't do throwing in school, bro.

Man's just comedian, bro, like, what do you think, man?

I didn't do javelin.

ROSIE SCREAMS

Oh!

Yeah, baby!

Huh!

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

HE CACKLES

Ahh, fuck!

HE LAUGHS

SHE LAUGHS DESPAIRINGLY

Oh!

Keep falling, just keep falling.

Wait!

I'm not done yet.

I got this, innit?

Yeah, baby!

Ah! And I keep going high, let's go low.

Oh, for goodness' sake, man!

All right, big up.

Big up. Later.

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS Not bad.

APPLAUSE

Neither of you thought to count the cans

before you started throwing.

Yeah, just got to go for it.

You w-want me to stand there and be like, "One, two, three"?

I ain't doing none of that, like...

No, I-I understand, at school, you got out of most subjects

by telling them you were a comedian, it seems.

LAUGHTER

"I'm not doing maths, I'm a comedian."

That's it. Right.

He didn't learn throwing at school. He's a comedian.

Rosie, there was some awful heart-breaking moments for you.

I've never seen the phrase, "Yeah, baby"

so close to the phrase, "Oh, no".

I don't want to say it so early on in the series,

but I've got cerebral palsy.

Ohh, come on! LAUGHTER

Old winky's not having that.

So, you knocked over 47 cans, Rosie... Ah.

..compared to Baba's 32.

APPLAUSE

Right, we need to have another break.

It's a chance for Alex to count all of his friends.

Welcome back to Taskmaster! LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, hello!

You join us for the third part of the show,

and some more throwing at the theme park.

ALEX: Yes, these adults are trying to knock some cans over

with some balls! And finally -

uh-oh - it's Jack and Emma grouped together again.

OK, so how many cans are there?

17. 21.

So, that's going to be n...t...

EXHASPERATED SIGH

I can't be bothered. LAUGHTER

40...40.

40 times four is 160 cans.

There's, er, 160 there.

Are you just getting rid of the balls?

So, I'm going to try and just get...

Ah.

OK, I didn't - OK.

My dad played rugby for England.

Might actually just...

..come to daddy.

LAUGHTER

Ah.

LAUGHING: Oh, God, what a shame! What a shame!

This one's pointless, but we'll try anyway.

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

SLOWED DOWN: Oh!

How do you summon skills that you don't have?

It's actually...so difficult.

Pbbt! LAUGHTER

So...

Ohh.

That's a disappointment. Yeah.

I might be able to use this.

If I can hook them over, and then...

All right.

DEJECTED LAUGHTER Oh, no, I knew it, I knew it!

OK.

SHE SQUEALS WHEEZING LAUGHTER

LAUGHING: I know this is going to miss!

Ah!

AUDIENCE GASPS

HOARSE LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

What I've written down is, "The juxtaposition of the sentence,

"'My dad played rugby for England,'

"and the throws that we witnessed following that sentence..." Yeah.

Yeah. Sounds melodramatic.

I think it might destroy your family.

LAUGHTER Is it too early in the series to say

I don't have cerebral palsy?

BABATUNDE: Oh, snap! LAUGHTER

Fuck me.

But she did knock over more than Baba. She knocked over 36.

Which is good. Jack.

You've made a career out of not looking very happy.

I've got a theory secretly, you were loving that.

I found it cathartic, I suppose.

I-I would do that again, actually. I wouldn't mind, yeah.

How many cans got knocked down? At least they bothered to count.

Yes, well, I can tell you, we know Baba was 32,

er, Emma 36, Rosie 47,

Jack 68. Ah.

So, approaching 100. Hmm. APPLAUSE

Yeah, obviously, Andy 104, so, yeah.

APPLAUSE

I do want to show you one extra replay, though, do you mind? Yeah.

OK, here we go.

AUDIENCE GROANS

AUDIENCE GROANS LIGHT LAUGHTER

Oh.

Nice pop of the leg, though.

Lovely pop of the leg.

That means that Andy doesn't get any points. Oh!

Baba goes up to 2 points, 3 to Emma,

4 to Rosie, and Jack wins the task and 5 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, little Alex Horne, play me another task!

Just for you, some stunning, soapy spheres. Ooh!

Oh, hi, Jack.

Hi, you all right? Yes.

Pop into the bubble.

HE SIGHS Oh, God.Yeah, it's in there.

SHE LAUGHS Hey.

LAUGHTER

Well, that didn't work.

Oh, man!

Right.

"Do the most beautiful thing with bubbles.

"You have 20 minutes.

"Your time starts when you haven't said a word beginning with B

"for five seconds."

Right, so I've got - if I want to buy time,

I've gotta keep b-babbling on babbilously.

Your time's started now, Jack.

Your time has now started.

Right. Your time has started.

I've had to say a word like that in the task?

Emma your time has started. It's started now?

Yes, because you didn't say a word beginning with B for five seconds.

Oh, w...

SHE SCOFFS Not into that.

Man has to get some soap and make some bubbles. Come on.

ROSIE: Can I get naked?

LAUGHTER Cos that is beautiful.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Baba, you announced, that you were going to make bubbles in this,

the bubble task, as if you'd had a great idea.

And you even said, "Come on" afterwards.

Yeah, man, obviously, you've gotta get some soap and...

Cos I do it for the children.

Like, if I don't buy bubble solution or, like, you know

the one that you can just buy, I'll do it by myself.

And you'll play on your own with bubbles?

No, for my children! Oh.

You said you do it on your own sometimes.

No, I make the bubbles.

You've got to make the bubble solution,

and I put it in the machine. I know how to make bubbles, Baba.

Th-Then listen to what I'm saying, then, bro! I'm listening to you!

You clearly ain't. I just want to establish whether you play

with bubbles on your own.

No, I don't play with bubbles on my own, bro.

I'm a comedian. OK. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Nice.

OK, the first two we're going to see are Jack Dee

and Bubble-tunde. Here we go. Oh.

Are you into any particular types of bubbles, Jack?

Er, well, champagne I like.

Like a bit of champagne. We've got champagne.

Where?

Where's the champagne?

Right, I'ma draw my daughter.

She's two months, and she's so beautiful.

Bring it to me. You want me to bring you champagne?

Yeah, and some glasses.

These are her arms.

We'll do, like, legs.

Oh, she is beautiful.

This is a vegan non-alcoholic. Yeah.

Is there any other way you can take fun out of champagne?

LAUGHTER

You've got real chocolate.

Get yourself some Penguin.

Who wants dark chocolate? Like, come on, man,

I'm not a psychopath. You know what I'm saying?

I'd like you, Alex, to pass this around to the crew,

so that they all have some.

What a beautiful thing, Jack.

Yeah, I think - thank you, you've said it.

Let's get some flowers.

Know what I mean?

Should we keep one for Greg?

That's a good idea, which one do you think he'd want?

Probably a pint, wouldn't he?

Ready for this, my guy? I'm ready.

BEAUTIFUL CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS

Is man mad? Is man mad?

To everyone, thank you for having me here,

and looking after me so nicely.

LAUGHTER

Thank you for, er...

Yeah, enjoy this drink with me,

and I wish you peace and happiness, and....

GLASS SHATTERS

BOTTLE CLATTERS

What's wrong with him?

CHORAL MUSIC CONTINUES

Peace and happiness, and... hope all your dreams come true.

Oh, what a beautiful toast. Thank you.

CHORAL MUSIC SWELLS

You like that, bro? Yeah.

Bringing joy to your heart?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jack, how lovely that you involved the crew.

And I-I mean that, it's... Yeah.

We don't - you know, they work very hard on this show. I know.

Nice for them to be... I know, and they never get anything,

as they were saying to me earlier. LAUGHTER

No, they don't, and you know why? Why? Because Alex -

do you know what he calls them behind their back? Ohh.

He calls them the "faceless facilitators of his genius".

It was nice to see them briefly happy,

and when I left, they just said, "Jack, thank you."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yeah.

Baba, pleased with your attempt?

I'm going to own it. Yes, I was.

I was pleased with it, cos you know,

honouring my new baby girl. Yeah.

And that was genuinely sweet, I thought. That was, yes.

Can we have a look at the painting of his daughter?

His beautiful 11-week-old daughter? Here she is.

LAUGHTER

I think I ripped this up afterwards, because I'm ashamed -

I can actually draw. You can actually draw?

I can actually draw, I am a good drawer. But you didn't.

You didn't do art at school. All right, bro!

LAUGHTER Chill out!

APPLAUSE

Just so you know, he said the word "bang" every time he drew a thing.

He also said that his sperm and genes, and DNA were "elite".

You should see my son and daughter.

I'm telling you, man, they're gorgeous.

When my daughter was born, the whole hospital, they were like,

"Oh, my days! She's so gorgeous."

Even the really ill people?

LAUGHTER

Well, it's time for Mr Steps Off The Spot himself,

it's Andy Zaltzman.

And action! FEEDBACK WHINES

Beauty and ze bubble.

FRENCH ACCENT: I am bubble.

Am I beautiful?

Tell me. What is beauty?

I have dreams of what a sphere can become...

..but I know change changes change,

and ze world becomes new again.

We create, we destroy.

We are destroyed, we were created.

Life is in ze unexpected.

NORMAL ACCENT: Try the orange!

FRENCH ACCENT: For I know, as a bubble,

things never stay the same.

Things never change.

We are all bubbles.

Bubbles doomed to die. MOURNFUL PIANO MUSIC

But our beauty lives forever.

NORMAL ACCENT: Look at the camera, for fuck's sake!

LAUGHTER

Pour homme, pour femme,

pour le Taskmaster.

Ils sont petit ami, Alex Horne.

LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I mean, it's pretty incredible, Andy.

I don't actually have anything negative to say about it. Right.

We are all bubbles waiting to burst. Yeah. Exactly.

Well, we are - it's exploration of the sort of fragility that

this show too often shies away from.

Andy, I thought it was excellent. Thank you.

Time for the final break of the night!

Who will not only win the episode,

but also take home a lung

and Jack Dee's rancid old toothbrush?

What an adrenaline rush!

I feel like I'm trippin' in Woodstock, man!

See you soon. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back!

Welcome back to the final part of this new series.

Who's next in line to do something beautiful with bubbles, Alex?

Ooh, a top-notch question, Greg - and a lovely voice.

It's Rosie and Sidi.

Jones and Emma.

LAUGHTER

Rosie.

I'm not Rosie.

I am the Bubble Gum...Fairy!

BEAUTIFUL PIANO PLAYS Ooh! Lights.

Oh, Greg.

Oh, Greg!

I am doing the most beautiful thing with bubbles.

A beautiful babe having a bubble bath.

I am here to grant you...

..three wishes!

But don't tell me them,

cos I know them alreadyyy!

LAUGHTER Ooh!

BEAUTIFUL PIANO CONTINUES

ECHOING: Oh, Greg!

What are you doing tonight?

Bubble bath, maybe?

I bet that you want more...

..bubbles!

You like bubble gum.

Ooh!

Eat the bubble gum!

Eat it. Hmm, I can't really do bubble gum.

Eat it! How much?

More!

More.

More. LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

And I know you want the bubble gum dance.

# Bubble Gum Fairy!

# Bubble...

# Bubble Gum Fai...ryyy! #

MUFFLED: I can't blow bubbles when there's so much... Blow.

Blow.

Blow. LAUGHTER

Oh!

And now, I leave.

Wand...drop.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK.

Er...I think what we have to -

the three of us have to talk about is your understanding of

the word "beautiful" probably.

Hmm. No, I think I nailed it.

Do you? LAUGHTER

I don't see what could not be more beautiful than that, then.

Than the Bubble Gum Fairy? Yeah.

What is better than the most beautiful woman alive?

Right, well, I'm not going to comment on your personal beauty,

cos I'm looking only at the character.

And...personally...

STIFLED LAUGHTER

..I found the Bubble Gum Fairy to be quite irritating.

LAUGHTER

Emma, let's talk about your beauty.

Yes. When you started erotically eating the chocolate...

Yeah. ..I think you just looked hammered.

LAUGHTER

And I...I'm very flattered to be offered a bath with a lady,

but I would prefer it if she hadn't been out for 12 pints beforehand.

I think beauty's in the eye of the beholder.

Yes, and I'm the beholder. Totally fine.

That, I do accept. Yeah.

But...who would you rather share a bath with?

What, Emma or the Bubble Gum Fairy? Yeah.

Well, Emma. 100 times over. LAUGHTER

Sorry, bitch. Sorry.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Go on, then, Greg.

Well, who do you think's going to get one point? I...

HIGH-PITCHED: # I'll give you a clue! #

1 point to Rosie. Well done, Rosie.

Yeah, good. Aww!

I mean, if the chocolate-gobbling woman of nondescript nationality

hadn't been so drunk, she might've got more than 2 points.

2 to Emma. Got it.

I think the sentiment of sharing bubbles with a largely ignored...

Yes. ..and often much-derided crew, with him,

it is quite beautiful and deserves 3 points.

Three points to Jack. Got it. Thank you very much.

I'm going to give Baba's beautiful daughter 4 points.

4, got it. We must recognise artistic genius when we see it,

and Andy gets 5 points.

OK, well done, Andy, 5 points. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, then. Everyone, please make your way to the stage for your first

final task of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's reading the task out?

Emma is going to read the task.

Is she? Ahem.

I hope you'll include a wink in this read?

Excuse me.

LAUGHTER

"Drink the vinegar.

AUDIENCE GROANS

"On your turn, you can either drink from one straw

"or not drink at all -

"and get a clue from Alex instead.

"You must stand on the spot when choosing your straw,

"and you must never stray from the spot."

OK? LAUGHTER

"Only the vinegar drinker wins."

There's 5 points at stake here.

No-one else will get any points at all, Greg. Wow!

They can choose to either tell me which number they'll drink from,

and then, drink from it... Yeah.

..or they can get a clue from me.

The clue refers to the numbers in front of the straws.

Up you come, Rosie.

APPLAUSE

So, Rosie, would you like to drink, or get a clue?

So, I'm going to go for it.

OK, which number are going to drink from? Ten.

Off you go. Down and sip.

Ohh!

This is a GIF waiting to happen.

LAUGHTER Ooh!

Have you drunk vinegar?

No. LAUGHTER

I like it. OK.

Bit fishy.

Yes, it is a bit fishy. It's tomato juice.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, Jack, would you like a clue or a drink?

Erm, er, let's try a clue. OK.

You're such a weird man.

LAUGHTER

You must now return to your spot.

Oh, I see. APPLAUSE

Oh, a clue for next time. I-I get it.

Erm, clue, clue.

Clue, as well? Yeah, yeah.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE OK. Clue or drink, Baba?

I'ma go for a drink. Here we go.

What number are you going to choose? 16. 16. Wow, confident.

I'm not. Do it. I don't like this, man.

Do you not like a lovely vinegar drink?

WHISPERS: Could this be it?

Is it vinegar?

Nah, that ain't vinegar, but... I don't know, that's all right.

It's iced tea. It's iced tea, Iced tea, OK. Iced tea.

It's iced tea.

He's not, he's not playing...

LAUGHTER

I appreciate that. Clue or suck?

LAUGHTER

Er, clue, please, Alex. Clue, here it comes.

I'm nearly there. Here I am.

There's a lot of this, in't there? LAUGHTER

Look, just let me seductively get it out of the way for you.

OK.

I'm going to suck,

but I'm also going to try and guess your clue.

Cool. I think it's a prime number.

I do like them.

Ooh!

So, I'm going to go for...17.

OK. LAUGHTER

Right. Come...

She drunk the vinegar!

CHEERING SHE COUGHS

So, we'll add those 5 points.

Come down here, we'll see how that affects the final scores!

Very good. So, you - again, you just guessed it, did you?

I thought the clue was a prime number.

Why?

Cos Alex is so boring.

Yeah! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you want to see the scoreboard? Yeah. It's unbelievable.

She was in third place before, but now, she's in first place.

Rosie Jones has 17 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Rosie Jones wins episode one!

Please go and collect the things that have been inside your rivals!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media