Original subtitles

[ Children laughing ]

Aah! Aah!

Oh, children!

[ Children yelling ] Shh. Shh. Shh. Silencio!

Amigo. Friend.

Soy amigo.

[ Childen screaming ]

Abuelita: Pervertido!

[ Gasps ] Pervertido!

No, no, no, no. It's not what you think!

Um...

no es que todos en...

Do -- [ Both gasp ]

Ah, forget it--

♪♪

[ Rooster crows, horse whinnies ]

Aah!

[ Tires screech ] [ Gun rattles ]

[ Siren wails ]

♪♪

[ Panting ]

Echo: [ Wheezing ]

[ Coughing ]

Well, hello there, occifer.

♪ Your TV doesn't love you

♪ But I do, I do love you

Aah! This is a misunderstanding, man.

That old lady said

you touched two kids on their butts.

To scoot them away, man!

I mean, isn't that a padded area?

Isn't that the best place to touch a kid?

That's one of the worst places to touch a kid.

I mean, look at me.

[ Coughs ] I'm just a regular old guy

who likes making sweet, sweet love

to full grown women.

I mean, just give me a moment to explain.

This has been

one of the worst nights of my life, man.

[ Sighs heavily ]

You're lucky.

I forgot my lunch.

♪♪

All right, you got till I'm fed

to explain what's going on.

Well, uh, this whole thing started,

because, uh, like you,

I enjoy nothing more than a tasty, filling lunch.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Hola, guys.

How can I spice up your li --life today?

Oh, hello there, young lady.

Um, we will have two tostadas classicas,

and if you fry up these eggs and slap 'em on top,

I'll give you an additional 45 cents for your labors.

Uh, sir.

There's, um, questions.

I'm the manager here.

Uh, can I help you?

Uh, yes. just looking to get these eggs fried

and slapped-up on our tostadas.

Sir, we are only permitted to prepare foodstuffs

that arrive here in sealed plastic bags

from our central kitchen in Iowa.

All right, but, sir, this is a good egg.

Come on, man, smell it.

Smell the egg.

Sir, our policies forbid

physically engaging any customer,

but you should know, your egg is touching my nose

and it is quite cold.

Okay, just one quick sniff.

Absolutely not.

Dude, how can you be acting this uptight

on the hallowed ground where Guapito's once stood?

Oof. Don't mention Guapito's.

Man, I miss those triple-fried chimi's.

I know, right?

Did old man Guapito

ever invite you back into the kitchen

for some of that sidewinder sangria?

Damn near cried when I saw they'd knocked the place down.

[ Gasps ]

Actually, dude... [ Sniffles ]

I did cry,

'cause once corporations move in,

there's no mom, no pop, no wiggle room --

just rule, rule, rule,

dollar, dollar, dollar,

dollar, dol-- Shut up.

Dude, I ain't even asking you to break that rule.

Just bend it ever so slightly.

Sir, return that contaminant

to your pocket, purse, or tote,

or as an agent of Señor Casa,

I will expel you from these premises.

Fine. You win.

By your rules, I shall play.

Hmm. So many rad flavors.

This may take a while here.

We got, uh, Mango Tango,

Cha-Cha Chipotle,

and Rip Roarin' Rojo.

[ Eggs sizzle ] Oh, shit.

I don't got eyes on Bill. Let's go goopy.

Come on. I'm too hungry to lose that egg.

Oh, my God. Wh-- what are you doing?

Oh, we're just, uh, recycling heat.

You know, uh, being ecologists.

You -- you've tainted my equipment!

You have to go right now!

Or how 'bout this?

We'll just finish our food and be on our way.

Sir, I am telling you to leave.

All right, and I understand that,

but I also understand

that according to your precious, little Señor Casa rules,

you can't lay a finger on --

Aah!

[ Grunting ] [ Glass breaks ]

[ Baby crying ] Hey, come on!

Just let me get my food, man!

Time to go! Get out!

Come on, dude!

[ Jar explodes ] [ Screams ]

[ Sound rewinds ]

Paja: Damn, all of that

just for a little twinkle of Internet fame.

[ Scoffs ] Your narcissism knows no bounds.

You're almost as famous

as that time-lapsed rotting jack o' lantern.

Click on that one again.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Oh, God. [ Sniffles ]

There he goes. Wow.

If each one of your video views was a shoebox,

it would nearly reach the moon.

He's right. You got leverage here, dude.

You could hold their feet to the fire

and get all kinds of cool stuff.

Hell, yeah. It's true.

One time, my uncle was playing pinball,

and the flipper shot the ball up into his eye.

They gave him, like, a whole parlor

full of pinball machines.

But now he's got a pinball for an eye.

Yeah, all right, I hear all this,

but, you know, I kind of provoked the guy.

That's irrelevant.

Look, we are dealing with

an amoral corporate entity here.

You've got to hit them and hit them hard!

Uh, yeah, let me get a number six

with the curly-wurly fries.

You want something? Yes.

My innocence. What?

Oh, uh, I mean my freedom.

Yeah, that's it.

Clerk: Thank you, pull ahead.

So, anyways, I donned my conservative costume

and headed into...

the belly of the beast.

♪♪

We want to make this right, Echo.

More than right.

We want to make this fan-taco-tastic.

There's $500 on there.

Hmm. Interesting.

But I have been advised that an injury of this caliber

entitles me to free tacos for life.

I'm talking the infinitaco card.

[ Scoffs ]

You know, I-I-I-I'd love to do that for you,

but those cards are reserved for 9/11 firefighters

and Country Music Award nominees.

Now look, I know you're angry,

But you should know that Bill Humphries

has been stripped of his franchise

and will never work with Señor Casa

or any of its affiliates ever again.

No, no. I just want the tacos.

I don't want the man to lose his job.

Um, why don't we just go ahead

and drop the charges against Bill.

Well, that would only be possible

if you instigated the fight.

Well, uh, what if it did go down that way?

Well, if that were the case,

Bill would get his franchise back.

But, uh, Señor Casa

would owe you, the instigator, nothing.

♪♪

Hello?

Uh, hello, ma'am.

Uh, I'm the fellow who everybody thinks

your husband smashed my head open.

But I am here

with a freshly pruned olive branch.

Bill's...

Golden sombrero.

The man has been re-enfranchised.

I'm sorry but, Bill...

Bill has...left.

See, some men are like dirt bikes.

They can go wherever they want

and adapt to any situation.

But Bill, well,

he's the other kind of man.

A choo-choo train man.

He needs tracks, structure, rules.

That job was everything to him.

He left two weeks ago,

and all I've gotten from him is this.

♪♪

"Diahrrea coursing thorugh my veins."

Luras: Hope reading that dumb letter

is better than eating free tacos forever.

Hey, man, I'm not gonna destroy a dude's life

for third-rate tacos,

no matter how many.

Anyways, dude, come here.

Can you read that?

What's that?

[ Sniffs ]

Oh, my God, that smell.

Chemically sweet...

[ Sniffs ]

Organically sour.

That letter came from Weird River.

Oh, no. What's Weird River?

Oh...

When I first moved into the Tarantula,

long before any of y'all lived here,

there were some pretty lonely times,

and one dark eve --

♪♪

Hey, God damn that's great!

Hey, you wanna see a soft shell turtle

bigger than a sewer lid

with a nose longer than a french fry?

Absolutely.

♪♪

[ Turtle slurps ]

Your turn...

Oh, no, I'm fine, I just -- Oh, come on.

Don't be so uptight.

All right.

[ Laughs ] Yeah!

Whatever. That sounds just like us.

But with turtles.

Maybe those weirdos used to be like us,

but people adapt to their environments

all too quickly...

[ Punching ]

[ Shudders ] So many colors of fire.

I'll never go back there.

Yeah, well, I've steered clear of the place

ever since I first moved to Los Palicios.

Hey, man. Hold my baby!

[ Possum hisses ] Aah!

Aah!

Ah, shit.

Looks like I gotta go back.

I can help you find him, Echo.

I spent a lot of time

over where they dump all the old parade floats.

I loved a man down there.

An artist.

You really want to come?

I feel bad taking a lady down there.

Well, then, good thing I'm taking you.

You do know what I'm talking about right?

Weird River borders two police jurisdictions,

and neither wants responsibility.

So officially, no, I have never heard of the place

nor of the drugs Krizzle, Shy-Boy, or Blinker.

♪♪

All right.

Now this here is Kirby's Crevice.

Kirby's long dead, but you can't kill a crevice.

[ Inhaling ]

Uh 'scuse me, miss.

Have you seen this guy?

I have. I have.

He's in here. He's in here.

Uh...

Don't you look at 'im!

All right, um...

Who's like, uh, semi-astute down here?

[ Generator hums ] [ Electric guitar plays ]

That guy seems to have his act together.

Decent buns too.

Excuse me, sir.

Have you seen this fella?

[ Guitar stops ] [ Generator stops ]

Yes I have!

Oh, great.

Any idea where?

I know exactly where he is.

I just, uh...

Never seen 'im!

[ Laughs ]

[ Generator hums ] [ Electric guitar ]

Now, if I was having a nervous breakdown,

I'd want to relax in the bugaboat.

On the way we can check for him in Candy-Lane,

the Boneyard, and Pigman's Place.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Birds squawking ]

♪♪

[ Sparks ]

[ Both scream ] [ Dog growls ]

Oh, shit. Nightfall.

I'm getting the hell out of here. [ Dog whimpers ]

[ Panting ]

That ain't a good sign.

God damn.

Some oppressor filled in "shimmy hole nine."

Hm.

Well, uh, here, ou just give me a boost

and I'll pull you up, all right?

Okay, okay.

[ Both grunt ]

All right now, reach on up to me.

[ Both grunting ]

Shit, okay.

Let's just flex our fingers hard as we can.

[ Both grunting ]

This ain't gonna work, baby.

No, I'm not gonna leave you.

Oh, my God. Go on!

[ Grunts ]

[ Man laughs evilly ]

[ Crows cawing ]

♪♪

[ Raccoon shrieking ]

Aah!

[ Coughing ]

Aah!

The bees are all dying,

and we're gonna have to drink piss!

Woman: Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

[ Grunting ]

Aah!

Get out of here, Rita!

[ Panting ] Whoop!

[ Laughs ]

Whatever's gets in the net goes on the grill.

[ Bat shrieking ] Aah!

[ Laughs ]

Um, sir, I'm looking for my brother, Bill.

He's diabetic.

I gotta get him some sugar cubes

before, you know, he flips out.

Uh, Vegas mighta seen 'em.

Hey, Vegas!

This fella wants to know about that fella.

Oh, yeah, I know him.

Yeah, he's cool -- totally, really cool, man.

Hey, he's actually playing

with my girl Pom-pom right now.

They are right over there around that corner, man.

And she's crazy, man.

She'd love to work a double.

Come on, man, come on!

Uh, I got no interest in a double.

I just need to see my friend.

Well, then, come on man, watchin' is free.

♪♪

Actually, uh, no thanks, man. I'm good.

Hey, man.

I wasn't trying to pull anything!

Yeah, I understand, it's just...

I'm good. I'm good here. Thank you. Thank you.

-Sorry, -Aw, man.

Bill, where are you?

[ Rats shrieking ]

[ Grunting ]

God damn, what am I doing with my life?

Bill: ♪ ♪ Señor Casa is the best

♪ Put our tacos to the test

♪ At Señor Casa

Bill?

Bill!

Hey! It's the eggman!

Goo-goo gajoob!

[ Chuckles ]

You come to get me kicked out of here too?

You're goddamn right I did.

Bill, I have appeased your corporate overlords

and retrieved your...

Golden sombrero.

No.

No, I've gone too far off the rails.

This is the place for me now.

No, Bill.

This is the place for bush-meat-barbecuers

and nasty little pimps like Vegas.

Vegas is cool. No, he's not.

He is trash.

But you know what?

Your wife is cool, your son is cool!

Really? [ Sniffles ]

You think my son is cool?

I mean, he needs help.

He needs your help!

You know what he said to me, Bill?

He said, "I can't do nothing without my daddy.

Oh, boy, oh, boy I need my daddy."

[ Inhales deeply ]

Pin me.

All right.

Now we are back in business.

You're a good man, Echo.

Yeah, you know...

Cop: So then you went home, got your gun,

threw on a cocktail dress, and decided to do

some adolescent butt-touching, right?

Yeah, right, man. I wish.

I mean -- I mean, I wish the stuff

that's gonna happen didn't --

Not that I touched kid butts.

But, uh, anyways.

Uh, hey, guys. [ Chuckles nervously ]

How's it going? Hey, man.

Funny thing about these concrete banks.

They make sound travel real good.

Even little shit-talk whispers.

[ Gunshots ] [ Gasps ]

[ Laughs ]

Hey! Watch out with that thing.

I know what I'm doin.

This just a little pea shooter.

Y'alls chickens.

What if I shot you, fat boy?

You think we could get through all this blubber?!

[ Laughs ]

[ Grunts ]

Hey, hey.

What's up, Snitch? Look, man.

I understand stealing a man's shoes, his T-shirt,

and even his blue jeans,

but what kind of low-down, dirty scoundrel

steals another man's underpants?

You weren't wearing any underpants.

Ah.

Well, shit.

You got a pair I could borrow then?

Well, you lucky you get this.

You said some real snitchy-ass stuff about us.

[ Snorts, spits ]

Cop: Well, I'm done with my burger.

And I ain't buying your story.

So to the station we a-go. [ Engine starts ]

Occifer, please. Please.

This is all about to make sense.

Just give me two more minutes of prime time.

[ Sighs ] [ Engine shuts off ]

All right. Two minutes.

Okay, all right,

so suddenly I saw all the Weird River people

pulling their blankies and tents

high up onto the river banks.

Oh, no. See that line?

It's chute day.

That chute's gonna jump open and start dumpin'

till the river goes up to here.

First, it fills your mouth,

then your belly, and then you die!

But your spirit goes up there.

That's heaven.

I been there.

Jesus Christ.

The very same. That is my name.

But don't worry, partner.

I'm gonna snag the key and get you outta here.

Got a good plan. A real good plan.

Echo: So ol' cotton-beard goes and joins

a circle of guys sharing a jug of wine.

And I watch that thing go around and around,

and the next thing I know...

[ Bottle clangs ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Clanging ] [ Gasps ]

[ Water rushing ]

♪♪

Oh, shit.

Hey! Sharpshooter!

You're the brave one of the group, right?

Brave as an Indian brave.

Well then come play Russian roulette with me, Kemosabe.

I win, you let me go.

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Bullets clink ]

[ Gun cocks, barrel spins ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Gun clicks ]

[ Barrel spins ]

[ Gun clicks ] [ Laughs ]

Two out of three!

No, dude!

At least let me pull the trigger, man.

I mean, you shoot me, that's murder.

I shoot myself, you just see some crazy shit

totally legal.

♪♪

[ Gun cocks ]

Do it!

Do it!

Do it!

[ Gunshot ]

♪♪

[ Car horn honks ]

♪♪

[ Door rattling ]

Churchkeeper! Churchkeeper!

Unbar this church!

A nude man is in need.

♪♪

[ Panting ]

Hey, Snitch!

Hey, I just wanna talk, man!

♪♪

[ Grunting ]

Oh, I know you're here, man.

I can hear you breathing!

Echo: Now, with Vegas looming around,

I start doing breathing exercises

to calm myself down, right?

And I must've just done too good of a job.

Next thing I know,

I wake up in a fully-firmed castle.

But I swear to you,

the only time I wanna touch a kid

is when I shake his hand to say, uh,

"Hello, Oliver.

Would you like to see a magic trick?"

Magic trick?

No, I'm just like imagining,

a, uh, plausible kid-scenario.

I am innocent, sir.

Don't gum up the system with some normal-ass dude

having a stretch of bad luck.

[ Sighs ] All right, Johnny No-Crime.

We're gonna make one more stop.

Do you recognize this person?

A beautiful woman no doubt, but I've never --

[ Gasps ] Officer, this man...

this man saved my life.

Well, then, the pervert is a prince after all.

Uh, you don't happen to have a spare pair of trousers

in your trunk, do you? Nope.

But I can get you a hot meal.

You see boys, about a million years ago,

I lived in Nashville doing nothing but playing bass.

One day I got called in for a session

with one Trisha Yearwood.

Later that year.

we got nominated for a Country Music Award.

Gentlemen...

This meal's on me.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪