Original subtitles

IN TRIBUTE TO MORRIS AND GOSCINNY

I was 20 years old.

And the only words I knew how to read were "Joe," "Dalton," and "Wanted."

ALBUQUERQUE FEDERAL PRISON 18 YEARS EARLIER

Charlie would teach the prisoners.

The first time we met,

she said that reading was going to save me.

So, I grabbed the book,

and started looking for the nail file stashed inside.

That made her laugh.

Anyway, she was wrong.

It wasn't reading that saved me.

It was her.

And we kissed on the mouth.

- Joe! - And used our tongues.

Enough. We get the picture.

You didn't bet on the right horse.

Luke just isn't cut out for adventure.

I don't know why, but he's always been a nervous Nellie.

Trust me. I'm gonna find your mom.

When I saw her in that stagecoach, I remembered everything.

And now, suddenly, you're here. My kid.

I can't be your kid.

- I can't be the kid of a Dalton. - Dalton?

"Louise Dalton." That's pretty.

Plus, we look alike, like two peas in a pod.

Not even close.

Well, you're wrong. First off, we're the same height,

and then she rides off when I'm trying to talk to her. Great!

No respect at all.

Just like a Dalton. I like it.

Don't you have anything you want to say?

Being the quickest draw in the West isn't a problem for you,

but when it comes to talking, you're quiet.

That's why you get all weird when I talk about my mom.

You used to know her.

Joe's your sworn enemy since forever, so, of course you knew,

and you said nothing?

She can really hold a grudge.

-But she's right. You don't say much. -And you say too much.

Nothing proves that you're her father.

Everything lines up date-wise. Want me to draw you a picture?

Well, same for me.

Never mind. Just forget it.

I can't. You just said it. You really think you're her father?

Hang on.

When I met Charlie, she was heartbroken.

She'd been dumped by a real dirtbag. Damn it!

You're the guy before me!

Hey, I'm not the guy before you.

You're the guy after me.

You were a rough draft.

And you were just a consolation prize.

Hey! I don't know what kind of problem you two have,

but we have things to do now, like find my mother.

CHAPTER IV GOLD FEVER

We're not very far from where your mother's hiding.

And Papa, how does he know this?

Well, it's because this medallion isn't just a medallion.

It's also a smuggler's eye, and you use it to find a hideout.

She was using it when I was buffaloed.

Okay. Let's go, desperados.

Okay. What's this hideout?

It's an abandoned mine where I used to hide cash and guns.

I gave this eye to Charlie, so we could meet up after I got out.

Discreetly, if you know what I mean.

Doesn't matter. If she's here, we'll find her right away,

'cause this area is completely deserted.

My mother should've given you vocabulary lessons,

because you don't know what "deserted" means.

If Charlie's still hiding here, her kidnappers must be close.

- We'll have to play it incognito. - Hands in the air.

I'm not sure that's gonna help us be incognito.

I said, "Hands in the air."

That's good.

Calamity?

Jane? Calamity Jane?

It's Calamity Jane. You're Calamity Jane!

She epileptic or something?

Worse. She's a fan.

Excuse me, Mrs. Jane, but--

No, no, no. Don't you dare come near me, and don't you call me "Missus."

"Missus" was my mother. That's not even true, she was a hooker.

I'm so thrilled to get to meet you in person.

I've read your memoir at least...

three hundred and fifty times. It's a good a thing you're here.

-Because my mother was kidnapped. -No.

-Yes. -Really?

-Yes, I swear. -For real?

-Of course, for real. -I don't give a rat's ass.

Uh, I'm sorry, Louise.

- I should've told you that she was-- - In a hurry.

I'm in a hurry.

Kid's telling the truth. Her mom was kidnapped.

But what I said is also true.

I don't give a rat's ass.

-I want the reward. -The reward?

The loot, the dough, the moola.

You're a hunter looking for a reward?

Not "a." "The" best man-hunter there is.

I took down all your wanted posters to be the only one on your trail.

Too bad for the others.

Have you been able to message Governor Zee?

Yes. I said we were currently, actively following the girl's trail,

but unfortunately, we were mutually unsuccessful.

Well, you outdid yourself with the adverbs, Sarge.

It's more expansive, but it's more professional.

Ah!

-Oh, it's going beep-beep. -Hmm.

So, what does she say?

She says to kill you, Lieutenant.

So, I guess you got promoted?

Yeah. Now it's just the two of us.

Yeah, and that's something that's really gonna motivate us.

She's diabolical, isn't she?

Yeah.

Yeah.

At first, I was following the girl. What a trailblazer!

No less than 23 armed robberies just last week.

You robbed more than 20 people before finding me?

I had a gun and no time to waste.

Now that's my girl.

This was the easiest track of my life.

This idiot would leave a note each time,

-with her name and address... -No way that's my girl.

It was for the greater good.

Convenient excuse.

And then, after that...

Well, it's just like reading one of those photobooks.

Boot theft.

Hat theft.

-School transport theft. -I didn't see the cart behind the mule...

-Kidnapping. -...or the kids in the cart.

Horse theft. That one's from Billy.

And it goes on and on like that until you guys team up.

And that's when... I mean...

All hell breaks loose.

Jail break, bank robbery, BFFs with the Daltons?

You've gone over to the dark side.

Yeah. Okay, I know what you're gonna say, but I did it for the greater good.

-Oh. -Come on, Jane.

-You know me. -Well, you know me, too.

The moola comes first.

I don't understand you, Calamity.

You're a legend of the Wild West.

There's a woman in distress. Saving her is a noble cause.

Listen to your heart.

What if we could get you more money?

Ah.

Now we're talking.

Okay.

Come with us while we look for her mother.

With Joe in the picture, things are bound to go sideways.

The reward money will go up.

Once we find Charlie, and she's somewhere safe,

You turn us in, you get a mark-up on top. Deal?

Get a mark-up on top?

And you say I'm vulgar.

Okay.

But if you try to trick me...

...I'll shoot you dead.

So much for going incognito.

We can just stay cognito.

They got the fever.

It's called gold fever.

-Gold? Did you find gold? -Whoa!

Did you find gold?

Huh? Did you...

Look in here and tell me if you see any.

I gotta go dig.

I think I should go dig.

I gotta go dig.

Okay. We go in the mine, and we look for my mom.

You're not going anywhere.

I'm keeping her as collateral.

Don't worry. We'll be back soon.

Don't even try.

I'm not "trying." I'm just talking to you.

Really? 'Cause now you have something to say?

Ooh!

Guess she's a sharpshooter, too.

Ah, so you see.

If you squint really hard and look at the scales on the fish,

you can see the layout of the mine.

That's crazy. Can you pick your teeth with it?

Ha. Very funny. Although you're right.

You can pick your teeth with it, because if you pull this down--

No one goes in.

I'm warning you.

If you dare shoot me in the head, you're a dead man.

Okay, I think we should all just calm down here, right?

We'd like to speak to the person in charge.

-So who's the owner? -I'm the owner!

- I'm the owner! - I am!

I'm the owner!

They can't even agree on that.

-I've had enough. -Stop!

No one's gonna sneak inside our mine again.

Bunch of thieves.

Hang on. Did you really see someone sneak inside?

-Like a... -A sneaker?

-...lurker? -Lurker.

Or a lady lurker?

How do you know that?

I just saw a shadow.

But she dropped one of her boots.

It doesn't matter, anyway! No one's going through!

We're on patrol 24/7.

And we shoot to kill.

What size was the boot?

So she's in there and we can't go in?

Don't worry. We'll charge in, guns blazing, end of story.

Yeah, except we're not doing that.

-It's full of saltpeter in there. -Potassium nitrate.

-Saltpeter. -Yeah. Potassium nitrate.

It'll explode if we start shooting.

Okay. So, we're gonna pop 'em delicately.

Two slugs in each head, no straight bullets--

No, we're not gonna kill anybody here.

-Who talked about killing? -You did.

-When? -Just now.

I said, "No guns," so it doesn't matter.

You shouldn't try to go in there.

That mine drives people crazy.

It's our friend from the mine.

That's Bao. He's my husband.

He's gone crazy like all the others.

All this is my fault.

-What do you mean? -We dreamt of adventure.

Then one day, Bao was approached by a promoter

who had an "incredible opportunity." This abandoned mine right here,

which was "full of gold."

I said, "It's our dream come true."

Then we came here.

What suckers.

Please, continue.

After six months of digging for nothing, Bao was at the end of his rope.

And then he found his first golden nugget.

He was overjoyed.

So, of course he went to the saloon.

I suppose a week later,

you had all the neighborhood prospectors on your property?

It's the West.

But he stood strong and kept a tunnel for himself.

And the sheriff? Did he do something?

Yup. He bought a pickaxe.

They've really all gone crazy.

-Crazy, but rich? -Not even.

Since the rush a month ago, only five nuggets were found.

And none by my husband.

Okay. So, we're dealing with a prize sucker.

Wha...

Come on.

That's a lot of coffee.

Yeah.

That's what everybody lives on here, to keep going.

Okay. We need to find a way to get into that mine.

I never thought I'd enjoy watching you two struggle this much.

I'm not working with Lucky Luke.

You think it doesn't suck for me to have you here?

Well, it super-sucks for me.

Yeah? Well, then it double super-sucks for me.

Hey, if there was a contest to determine for who it sucks the most,

I'd win first prize, and you would come in so far behind me!

-You wanna bet? -That's enough! Stop, you two.

You're gonna work together 'cause I said so.

Plus, I'm holding all the guns.

Okay.

Okay. You finished?

I'm finished, yeah.

Because you have six bullets...

and I've got seven guns.

I'm gonna find your mother, and then, I'll steal a ring.

I'll force a pastor to marry us, and we can be a family.

You're so annoying.

"You're so annoying... 'Papa.'"

Hmm?

-Canvas? -Mmm-hmm.

To sneak into the mine?

It's beige, it's dirty, we can just dress up as rocks.

Wow. You're a real genius.

And you wonder why I bust you every time.

And every time, I always escape.

-You got a better idea? -Yeah.

-Hmm? -Negotiate.

Maybe try to talk some sense into them.

-Explain how they could kill each other. -Hmm.

That their lust for gold will lead nowhere.

Yeah, and we can braid our hair while drinking coffee, too.

Her coffee.

I don't know what idea you just had, but it's mine, for the record.

You're putting perfume in the coffee?

It's chloroform.

We'll serve them some coffee to knock them out.

Not bad. Just empty the bottle.

Well, I don't wanna kill them.

Wow. You really have changed, Luke.

You're scared of putting too much chloroform,

of shooting people, of talking to Louise.

I bet you're scared of finding Charlie.

Because she's the only woman you've ever really loved.

Would you just shut up?

Oh, you should see your expression. That's gold right there.

Gold?

- Where's the gold? - Did you find gold?

- Hey. Did you guys say, "Gold?" - No.

But we have coffee.

Who wants coffee?

"His face lit up with a smile because Calamity had just saved his life

by giving him hope once again."

Why are you reading that?

Chapter 26. When you helped that marshal recoup his weapons at Abilene.

Anything that book's gonna make me wanna find your mother?

I think you need a reminder, Calamity. You've lost faith in yourself.

Tell me what happened? Did someone break your heart?

Did a bloodthirsty gunslinger shoot your friend?

What are you talking about? The only problem I have

is that lousy book's not making money anymore.

Oh...

It's not lousy, it's your biography.

No. It's an inventography.

I didn't do any of that. You understand? It's all lies.

What?

I mean, except for the part where I learn to speak bison,

and I become queen of the herd.

That's my favorite passage.

Are you stupid or what? I just told you it was all made up.

Everything.

It's all a bunch of hogwash for silly girls

who dream of a life of adventure.

This is unbelievable.

And to think I always dreamt of meeting you.

Now I wish I never met you at all!

Wait. Why is it so quiet?

Charlie!

Charlie!

Charlie.

Charlie!

Charlie!

It's her name.

Huh, what is this?

Well...

this looks like gold!

Gold?

Gold? Gold?

Hey, what are you two doing here?

We just wanted to know if you take sugar in your coffee!

- Get out! - Come on. Get out.

Hurry up! Keep going.

Thanks a lot, Jane. You were a big help.

What? I came, I saw, I profited.

What's going on? Did someone find gold?

Yes, but it wasn't me.

-Hey... -It'll be me next time, you'll see.

Bao. Bao, it's okay.

Bao!

Come on. There has to be another way to get into that mine.

CONSPIRACY

Key to the Conspiracy

Hey. What are you doing there?

My mom was taken because of this conspiracy.

Mmm.

And 'cause of a C-L-D-T-L-M-Q-P-C.

Don't! It's important.

Yeah, but there's more important.

I'm going to play poker in the saloon tent.

Come on. I'll teach ya.

-No, you don't need me there. -Sure, I do.

You're my hostage and my good-luck charm. Come on. Let's go.

C-L-D-T. C-L-D-T-L-M-Q-P-C.

Hey. Your mom left, and she's living her best life, okay?

And that bunch of letters, those have got to be initials.

-Either names of saloons or guys. -That's bullshit.

Life's everyone for themselves. That's how it is.

It's like that 'cause of people like you.

Don't you mean "Like us?"

You think I don't know what you did "For the greater good?"

You married Billy, and broke his heart. All that for a horse?

Even I wouldn't have stooped so low.

Call.

Yeah, I screwed up with Billy.

I used him and I hate myself for it.

But I'm young, and mistakes are normal.

You? You're the one who has given up.

But thanks, because now I know who I never, ever wanna be like.

Damn it! Don't you think I had dreams of my own?

You think I didn't wanna be someone better?

Life beats you up, okay?

So you toughen up.

And the tougher you get, the more you protect yourself.

Then one day, you realize that you lost yourself along the way.

You look around and you're in a saloon tent,

gambling your life away.

Always lying.

Always pretending to have a good hand.

You think it's too late for me, Louise?

Damn! Sure took you long enough!

Bam! Royal straight flush!

Today's lesson is, in the West,

tears are either 'cause you got sand in your eyes,

or 'cause you're being played.

Hey, cheers.

Wait. On top of that, you're a cheater at cards?

Today's second lesson is, in the West...

if someone wears sleeves, it's not 'cause they're cold.

It's to hide the cards.

Well, I can play this game, too.

Spit that gold nugget out, now!

Find my mom or I'll swallow it!

In your book, it doesn't mention that I kill kids.

But it really should say so, as I can.

That's enough, Jane.

You spit that out.

Now!

Only five nuggets were found.

It's all my fault.

Do you see that?

Doesn't look like a nugget.

Looks like melted gold.

Yeah, and look what didn't melt.

Here, enjoy!

You go see Sarah. I'll get Bao.

It's still gold.

Sarah.

They said something happened to you.

Yeah. Something happened, all right.

She found a gold vein.

Around her neck.

That necklace was a gift from your husband.

A gift you sacrificed.

In this photo, there are ten gold beads on your necklace.

And now, only half of them are left.

I don't understand.

I melted them down.

Little by little...

to make them into nuggets.

I couldn't stand to see you spend your days digging for nothing.

You were so unhappy.

Even when it comes to finding fake nuggets, I'm useless.

Of course you're not. I don't care about the gold.

I only did this for you.

And I was staying for you.

Because you wanted adventure.

My adventure is being with you.

I love you.

I was so scared.

I was so scared to tell you.

At the end of the day,

the only real treasure in this mine is love.

Romance.

Hmm.

- What? Love, like romance? - Huh?

- What? - What is love?

- That's the treasure? - So the treasure's romance?

What a load of bullshit.

Wait! She said there's no gold in there?

Hey, guys! There's no gold!

- There's no gold? - What do you mean?

Everyone pack up. There's no gold.

You ready?

Let's go. Let's find Charlie.

I don't think so.

I've had enough of your bullshit.

I'm turning you in.

You can't. We're so close to our goal.

The only thing I wanna get close to is my bounty.

Are you kidding?

Huh?

-Oh, shit! -Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Excuse me, sirs. I need your help, please.

I was taken hostage by Calamity Jane. We're trying to find my mother.

Her name is Charlie Willow.

She's a teacher, and she's stuck in that mine.

It'd be our pleasure to help you, miss.

Hmm?

Truly.

-What do you want with my mom, anyway? -Just shut up and walk.

What was that?

Charlie?

Luke?

Mama!

-Louise. -Mama!

What are you doing here?

Stay where you are, or we'll shoot the kid.

We've been looking for you for 10 days.

Ever since this idiot and his brothers

-attacked the stagecoach. -Watch it.

And now, Mrs. Willow, we'll hand you over to you-know-who.

Saltpeter. It'll explode if we start shooting.

Charlie, don't!

Huh?

Don't shoot. There's saltpeter everywhere.

I know.

I love you.

No!

No!

Mama!

Mama!

Here.

A souvenir.

Moving on?

Yep.

I think that about does it for me.

The adventure is over.

Louise.

Louise!

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