All language subtitles for Armed.And.Dangerous.1986.1080p.BluRay.DD2.0.x264-Spekt0r

Hi. What seems to be the trouble?

I lost my kitty. He's up there.

In the tree, huh?

Oh, yeah, there he is.

Boy, he's up there high.

I wouldn't worry about him.
He'll be fine.

He'll probably come down
in a couple days.

Cats like to climb trees.
They're good at it.

He'll get hungry, and he'll
come down and see you.

Don't cry.

What's the cat's name?
Fluffy.

Fluffy, huh?

Okay.

Fluffy.

Come here, Fluffy.

I'll be right down. Oh...

Okay. All right.

Yeah.

Come on, Fluffy.

Fluffy.

Hello, Fluffy.

Come on. Come on, Fluffy.

Here you go.

Come on, Fluffy.

Atta-Fluffy.

Yeah, Fluffy.

Hey, I got him.

Oh...

Oh, my God.

Don't move.
Would you quit moving?

Come on, don't do that.

Don't do that.

You wanna hurry up? Huh?

Come on, this cat's nervous.

That's far enough.

Get up. Get up.

Get against the car! Easy!

- Don't move.
- I'm a cop.

Mel, what are you doing?
Jesus, Frank.

You almost killed me.
Would you take it easy?

Well, I'm very sorry.
You wanna explain
what you're doing here?

Hello, Rizzo.

What are you doing?

I'll give you one guess.

Uh, stealing television sets?

Hey, he's not as dumb
as he looks, huh?

Bite the bag, Rizzo.
Your ass is grass.

Frank, take the TV set.

Let's get the hell out of here.

I already own a TV set. Unh.

Frank.

Think about it, Frank.

You take the goddamn TV set
and keep your big mouth shut.

Internal Affairs. Don't move.

Freeze. It's okay.

It's okay, boys.
We got him covered.

Hey, this ain't mine.
Sorry, Frank.

It is now.

This court Looks upon corruption
with great disdain.

You should be
ashamed of yourself

for betraying the trust
and responsibility

that was placed upon you.

Do you have anything
to say for yourself, officer?

I'm sorry. Mr. Dooley.

I didn't do it, Your Honor.

Your Honor, given the fact
that Officer Dooley

has been fined and dismissed
by the police department,

the state feels it is appropriate
to move for dismissal.

All right, but I don't like it.

Motion granted. Dismissed.
Next case.

Call prisoner Lawrence Lupik.

Unh!

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Made my day, really. Thank you.

Is the defense counsel present?
Here, Your Honor.

In case number 867810,
the defendant is charged

with three counts
of breaking and entering,

five counts of armed robbery,

three counts of kidnapping--

Right on.

Order in the court,
or I'll have you all removed.

one count of extortion,

two counts of aggravated assault
with a deadly weapon,

and five counts of assault
with the intent to kill.

Mr. Lupik, how do you plead?

Your Honor, I--

If I go to jail, I'll kill you.

It's good.

Your Honor, may I
approach the bench?

Well, if you must.

Your Honor, I'm prepared
to plead Mr. Lupik guilty

on the armed robbery charge,
if the people will reduce
the assaults

to resisting arrest and
agree to suspend sentence.

What about kidnapping
and extortion?

He didn't mean it, Your Honor.

You call that plea-bargaining?

Where the hell
did you go to law school?

I just feel that a long
prison sentence is not
warranted in this case.

The police found rugs
in his apartment made
out of human hair.

Well, bad taste is not
a crime, Your Honor,

last time I checked
the statutes.

Your Honor, I feel this
whole thing falls under
a sociopsychological,

you know, kind of umbrella.

Uh, I sincerely feel that
the facts are completely
irrelevant in this case.

Let me put it this way, Your Honor.
He says if he goes to jail,
he's gonna kill me.

Now, I don't usually believe
every psychopath I defend,

but I happen to believe this guy.

Mr. Kane, you are without a doubt
one of the worst lawyers
I've ever seen.

Oh, well, then,
I move for a mistrial.

Shut up.
Yes, sir.

Furthermore, it's obvious to me

that you're having
some sort of a breakdown.

So this is what I suggest:

You plead your client
guilty on all counts,

and I'll give him
a sentence so long,

he won't even remember
his own name, let alone yours.

Then you promise to find
a new line of work for yourself

with a lot less
responsibility, okay?

Yes, sir. Thank you.

The world is a shithole,

full of shitty little scumbags
who are scared shitless.

With dedication...
You think he's a little anal?

I think he's right.

Now, this badge will
lift you out of that scum,

into a $12-billion-a-year industry.

My name is Captain O'Connell,

and I welcome you to
the world of private security.

Any questions?

Yeah?

You mean we're gonna
actually earn $12 billion a year?

No, you're gonna earn
$4.60 an hour.

Which is starting pay
for everyone,

regardless of age, sex,
race, color or intelligence.

You work 10 hours, you make $46.

Now, let me get this straight.

If you wanted to work, say,
3 billion hours,

I could roughly pull in
over $12 billion

if I was eager enough
and put the time in?

- Any more questions?
- Yes.

Where it says "name"--?

Look. Here on the application.

Do I put my name? Huh?

Yeah. Oh, thank you, sir.

Where it says "police record,"
does that mean felonies

or misdemeanors?
Both.

Oh. Well, can I write
on the back, then?
I don't think I'm gonna have room.

We got lots of extra paper
if you need it.

Now, you've all had a chance
to read the booklet
"Careers in Private Security."

You look like a guy who defended
me once on an assault charge.

Oh, really? Did you get off?

I got three years.

There are two functions--

- No, wasn't me.
- -for a security guard.

Excuse me, I'm gonna stand up
and stretch the old legs.

But no matter what you do,

your primary responsibility
is always the same:

To observe and report.

But should you witness
a crime or violation...

Interesting group of people.

- Yeah, to Freud, maybe.
- However,

you can detain somebody
Norman Kane.

and use force if necessary
Frank Dooley.

until the police arrive.
Any questions?

Yeah?
Yeah.

Let's say somebody
lying, right?

And you know they lying.

Can you shoot them?
Well, it depends.

Use your own judgment.
Thank you. I appreciate that.

Any other questions?

Yes, I have a question
concerning our powers of arrest.

The statutes governing citizen's
arrest really aren't very clear.

Will we be indemnified
by the company against Lawsuits

or prosecution resulting from
wrongful arrest complaints?

What are you, a lawyer?

No. No.

No. No, what I mean to say is,

if I detain a shoplifter, let's say,
and he turns out to be innocent

and, um, he sues me
for a million dollars,

what happens?
What happens?

You spend the rest
of your life paying for it.

And you die miserable
and broke.

So don't screw up.

- Thank you.
- Now,

the fee for the course is $51.50.
Don't worry.

I'm an ex-cop. You stick with me,
I'll keep you out of trouble.

Which you can pay now, or we can
deduct it from your first paycheck.

In addition, as licensed
security guards,

you'll be required
to join a union.

The International Alliance
of Special Police and Guards.

These are your union
representatives.

Mr. Klepper

and Mr. Lazarus.

Thank you, Clarence.

The initiation fee is $30,
payable now.

Now, if you can't pay,
don't worry.

We'll deduct it
from your first paycheck.

Thereafter, the weekly dues
will be $15

and will be
deducted automatically.

The forms are in front of you
on the desk.

Sign them and pass
them forward.

Any questions?

Uh, yes, I have a question.
Ahem. Minor point.

What if we don't
wanna join?

This is a union shop.

You wanna work,
you join.

Well, I don't wanna speak
out of school, but $15 a week,

to me, seems excessive.

Now, where does
this money go?

Well, that money goes
to your pension and welfare fund.

Ah.

And when are
the benefits paid?

When you're 65.

- Sixty-five?
- Hey.

What's with
all the questions?

This is your union.

It's for your own protection.

So shut up and sign
the fucking form.

Do you have a pen?

As you can see,
it's really quite simple.

Just remember,
when you pull the trigger,

the bullets come out
going very, very fast.

So make sure to keep
the weapon pointed
away from you.

Now, that's about it.

You are now armed guards.

God help us all.

So return to your positions

and load your guns,
but do not,

I repeat, do not
commence firing

until I have left
the target area.

Thank you.

You won't Lie
to me no more.

Take that,
you scumbag.

Nice shooting, soldier.

I can't tell you
how much I hate this.

What's your problem?

What's my problem?

This is a dangerous
weapon here.

It can hurt somebody.
I-- I can't shoot it.

I-- I don't
have it in me.

You see that turd in the red plaid shirt
who's gonna blow your head off?

Watch.

Do you wanna
be partners?

Raise your right hand,
repeat after me.

- I...
- I...

- State your name.
- State your name.

Do solemnly swear
to uphold the laws
of the state of California

and government
of the United States

in the exercise of my duties
as a special officer...

--in the exercise of my duties
as a special officer

under the provisions
of the Private Guard Act...

--safety and security of the persons
or property placed in my charge.

--placed in my charge.

- Okay, that's it.
- Here are your diplomas.

Fill them out
if your name's not on it.

You're now fully licensed
security guards. Congratulations.

Report to Sergeant Cavanaugh
for your assignments.

That's it?
Yeah.

Class of Thursday,
3:30 p.m.

Congratulations.

- Kane.
- Yes, right here.

Carlex Pharmaceuticals.
Night shift, starting tomorrow.

That's it? Just like that, huh?

Mr. Kane, there are only
two things that you
have to remember:

Never fall asleep
where anyone can see you,

and make sure your name is very
clearly marked on your lunch.

Well, I can handle that.
I'm gonna put you with Dooley here.

Hey, Dooley?
Yeah?

You're working with Kane.
Oh, good.

I'll keep an eye on him for you.
No.

I was hoping that he could
keep an eye on you.

Kokolovitch.

She likes me.
Can you drive?

Yeah.
Pick me up tomorrow.

Hardtronics.

Make a left.

Guards Norman Kane
and Frank Dooley reporting--

I love to watch a professional
at work, don't you?

I think this job's gonna be
really, really good, Frank.

You know, it's just
what I need right now.

Hey, you wanna slow down?
What, are you trying to suck up
your first day on the job?

No, it's just--
In such a big hurry to do nothing?

Wow.

- Look at those monsters.
- Jimmy, get the dog off my head!

I can't!
Get in there!

You wanna pet them?

Come on, we'll
go pet them.

Norman Kane, Frank Dooley,
night shift.

Here are your building layouts

and your time clock locations.

Take lunch at 11:30.

And stay out the annex.
Pay attention, fat boy.

It's canine control.
You got it?

Duh, yeah, I-- I think so.

Don't be a smart-ass, Dooley.

Now go and relieve
the day shift.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, come on,
let's go be security guards.

What did you call him?
A muscle-bound jerk?

What?
He's not.

He's a nitwit, but he's
no muscle-bound jerk.

Enough.

Maybe he thought I was crazy
to keep trying.

In your judgment, was your ship
on the verge of foundering

when the executive officer
assumed command?

Dooley.
Yeah?

I told y'all to take lunch
at 11:30.

So?
So? It's 11:45.

It's against the rules to be in a
working area during breaks or meals.

Hey, man, read my lips.

Report to the cafeteria.

Can I just catch the end
of this movie?

Now!

Oh, what a bullshit rule.

Come on, let's go
grab some lunch.

Well, I left my lunch in the car, Frank,
so I'll meet you in the caf, all right?

Yeah, right.
Save me a seat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, how about a lift?

Hey, you jerk.

Hi, fellas. How's it going?

Ski masks? Guys,
I got news for you.

It's not that cold tonight.

Don't you have someplace
you're supposed to be?

No, not right now.
I'm on lunch break.
Half an hour.

Saw you guys working, thought
I'd come by and say hello.

Do you fellas have an invoice
for this shipment?

You're kidding, right?

A bill of lading, perhaps?

Look, Kane.

We got special permission
to take this stuff.

Well! So you say.

But I gotta check it out
back at the office.

You couldn't be
that stupid.

Oh, I don't know.

I think I could be.

- Yes?
- Absolutely.

Wait a minute.

I'm warning you.

You guys are asking
for big trouble.

Ah!

Frank, come in.
I'm being chased.

Two men in ski masks.

Help. Help.

Frank.

Frank, I'm in the loading dock area.
Come in.

You made me run.
I hate running.

Guys, I'm gonna level with you.
Take whatever you want.

Because I don't care.
I'm not a company man.

Oh, you don't need those.

You don't need those. You shoot me,
you're gonna have guilt.

You're dead meat, pal.
Oh, God!

Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Freeze!

Holy shit.

Guard Dog Security.
Respond, please.

Hello.

Hi.

You two are doing

a great job.

I'm gonna kill those guys.

Anthony, let's go.
Get in the truck, we're leaving.

Ah!

Ah! Oh, ah.

Ow!

Oh, you wanna
play rough, do you?

All right, let's
play rough. Come on.

Let that be a lesson
to you, you mutts.

I don't suppose you
can identify any of them?

Well, yeah, sure, I think it was
the U.S. Olympic downhill team.

I told you, they were
wearing ski masks.

How about you? Can you
describe any of them?

Sort of, except

for their heads.

Um, there were two guys.

The big guy was, um...

big. And the smaller guy was--

Smaller?

You're a regular Dick Tracy.

Well, I'm sorry, sir,
I was scared.

When people are chasing
you with guns,

you don't stop and ask them
how much they weigh.

Now, listen up and listen good.

Last night was a major disaster.

If you ever screw up like that again,
you're out. Do you hear me?

Out! And just so you don't forget,

I'm fining each of you 100 bucks.

Now get out of here.

Get out of here!

Why, you...

Dooley, Kane.

What'd he say?
Are you in trouble?

No, no, he let us off
with a fine and some
very bad breath.

We bust our asses for 4.60
an hour, and he treats us
like criminals!

I'm gonna complain to the union,
that's what I'm gonna do,
because it's not fair.

That man is a jerk!
And he's a subhuman, moronic...

poop-head.
He's my father.

Well, I'm sure he has
his good points.

Oh, sure he does.
He's salt of the earth.

Qualities of a saint
at times.

See you around.
Okay.

Thank you very much.
Now she hates me. Thank you.

What, you were the one
who called him a poop-head.

I don't wanna discuss it.

Is that what you say
when you get angry?

That the best you could
come up with? "Poop-head"?

Gentlemen.

This is a mistake.
Why?

This is our union.
We have a legitimate grievance.

Forget legitimate, all right?
Take a look up there.

Brothers, with your
kind permission.

I bet 50 bucks
any one of those guys

could tell you where
Jimmy Hoffa's body's buried.

All right, gentlemen,
can we begin?

We'll dispense with the minutes
from the last meeting.

We'll open the floor to new business.
Let's hear it, new business.

Uh, yes, Mr. Chairman,
my name is Norman Kane.

I'd like to file a grievance
against Guard Dog Security.

What's your grievance?
Don't do this.

My partner and I were fined
$100 each for something
that was not our fault.

They were on the warehouse job
last night and screwed up.

This is about the Carlex
Pharmaceutical robbery, right?

Yes, it is.

Why don't you just
pay the fine and sit down?

Any other new business?
I'd like to file an appeal.

You can't file an appeal.

The board decision is final.

Uh, excuse me, but I didn't
see the board vote.

They don't have to vote.

Well, could you respond to this?

There are approximately
5000 guards in this union,

each paying $15
a week in dues,

which amounts to roughly
$4 million a year.

Now, I would like to know,
what happens to that money?

That's a fiscal question,
and if we got a fiscal question,

then I gotta call our treasurer,
Lou Brackman. Lou, tell him.

Just a minute.

Under the leadership
of our president, Michael Carlino,

this union has gone a long ways
toward answering the needs
of its members.

And I don't think it's proper
to stand there and take
cheap shots at us

without knowing
all the facts.

Point of parliamentary
procedure, Mr. Chairman.

You listen to me, you facc'e merda.

You show your face at another
union meeting, and so help me God,

I'm gonna break your legs.
This meeting is adjourned.

So, what are you
telling me, Frank?

That they put us here because
I spoke up at the union meeting?

Well, if I were you, I wouldn't open
any unusual pieces of mail

in the next few weeks.
Aw, you're paranoid.

The truth is, this is just
an unpleasant job.

Not that I'm complaining.

But I'll tell you what I find
particularly difficult to believe.

We're actually
guarding garbage.

Yeah, just keep your eyes open
for that international ring
of garbage thieves.

- Hey, isn't this great?
- Oh, yeah.

Amazing what some
people will throw away.

This place is a gold mine,
I'm telling you.

Really?
Oh, yeah, look at this here.

I found this. Practically brand new,
hardly been used.

Wow.

You guys find anything?
Yeah.

I found a toothbrush,
almost brand new.

- What color?
- Red.

Perfect. Perfect match. Where?
About three mounds over that way.

Over there?
Yeah.

Okay, great. You guys
need anything?

No.
No.

Okay. Keep an eye out
for a shoe like this, okay?

Okay, take it easy.
See you.

See you later.

Yesterday, garbage, today, this.

- Oh, why don't you quit complaining?
- Let's just go to work.

Yeah, no, just forget it, okay?

Because I’ll tell you something,
I've had it. I can't take it
anymore. I'm quitting.

Oh, don't be such a wussy.
Toughen up, will you?

A little toxic waste
isn't gonna kill you.

Yeah, it just so happens
I'd like to father a child one day.

I'd like that child
to look human, you know.

Oh, mutations can't be that bad.

Maybe the kid will have
a third arm. You can put him
in a sideshow--

Glad you're taking this seriously.
--make a little extra-- All right.

Hi, guys, how's it going?

Lost two more teeth today.

Jeez, you guys look terrible.

How long you been working here?
Every day for the last three weeks.

Why don't you fellas put in
for another assignment?

We did. They keep
sending us back here.

Why?
I don't know.

I mean, we used to be
on warehouse duty.

That was great, wasn't it?
Warehouse duty?

Then one night,
the place got robbed,

and O'Connell, he got
all mad at us for no reason.

We-- We weren't even there.

And Bruno, he told us
to take a break,

and the place got robbed
while we were gone.

Bruno, the--? Big Bruno?

It's not fair.

- We're quitting.
- Oh, yeah.

Don't eat or drink anything
while you're here, guys.

No, no.

- Take lots of...
- Yeah.

- Showers.
- Thanks for the tip.

You guys take care
of yourselves.

I'll tell you something.

I'm not gonna end up
looking like that.

Don't worry, you won't,

because we're gonna find out
what's going on around here, partner.

I think what we're doing
is wrong.

I don't want anything
to do with it.

I mean, in principle I agree,
you understand?

Mm-hm.

But just leave me
out of it.

There he is.

Have a good workout, Bruno.

May I see your
membership cards, please?

Uh, show her our cards.
Right.

Don't have any cards.

The reason we don't have
any cards is we're thinking
of joining,

and we'd like to look
around the place.

I'll see if I can find someone
to take you on the tour.

How very kind.
Thank you.

Let's go.

Hey, come back here.

Come on, let's go.
Let's go! Move it.

There you are.

Come on.

Are you strong.

How's it going, Bruno?
What do you want, Dooley?

Oh, I just wanna ask you
a few questions

about the other night at Carlex.

Hey, man, I don't know
anything, okay?

Now, why don't you just get lost,
or I'm gonna hurt you bad.

We're gone.
Real bad.

Not that important.
Come on, Frank.

That's it.

Would you come on?
Let's go.

Ten more, man. Come on. Ten more.
Come on, come on, come on.

Absolutely not. No.

Frank? No.

Come on, two more. Come on,
two more. Come on, dig.

No, no.
Yes, yes, yes.

Come on, come on, two more.

Come on. One more, one more.
Come on, be tough.

Okay. I'm not
messing around.

Get in here. Now,

who told you to send us to lunch?
What are you talking about?

I can't hold it, Frank.

No upper-body strength.
Hey, man, I don't know anything.

It's slipping.
Goodbye, flathead.

All right, all right! O'Connell,

he phoned me, man, told me
to send y'all to lunch. I swear!

All right, let him go.

I suggest we move.
Come on!

Both of you, get out.

Well, there weren't really
enough good-looking women
for us here anyway.

And there's no pool, so--
Look, you heard what she said. Out.

Hey, girls, stop those two guys!

Get them, girls.

Frank.

Dooley! Dooley!

Dooley, I'm gonna kill you!
I'm gonna kill you!

I'm gonna--!

I'm gonna kill you, man!
I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

You wait, you wait!
You're dead!

Freeze, or I'll feed you
to the fish.

Oh, Frank Dooley.
How's it going, Cappy?

Okay. How you doing,
big guy?

I'm fine. Good to see you.
You're looking good.

You're looking pretty good yourself.
This is a friend of mine. Norm Kane.

Norm, Cappy.
Hey, Norm, how you doing?

Cappy.
How's the fishing?

Uh, no bites yet, Frank.
Anybody using this?

No, go ahead, have some fun.
You don't mind?

You wanna fish?
Uh, no, I don't fish.

Great.

How you been doing?
I heard you got kicked off the force.

Yeah, you heard right.

You hear anything about a guy
named Michael Carlino?

Now, that depends
on who's asking.

Ooh, maybe a guy named
Andrew Jackson.

Hey, come on, Frank, you know
I can't take money from you.

Phew. I was hoping you'd say that.

- But I'll take it from him.
- Great. Pay the man.

There you go.

Now, about
Michael Carlino.

Carlino is heavy.
I mean, bigtime.

It's organized guys like him that ran
us independents out of the business.

What business is that, Cappy?

I only talk to Andrew Jackson.

The question was,
what business is that?

Theft.
You're a thief?

Retired.
Not from where I'm standing.

Hey, you wanna lighten up.
He's trying to help us out.

It's costing me a week's pay.

Well, you're insulting him,
and you're embarrassing yourself.

Hey, I got something.
What is it?

Whoa! A shark. I got a shark!
I got a shark!

Out of the way! Shark!

He's got a shark!
Shark!

Get out of my way,
will you?

Will you get out of my way?
Come on, I got a shark here.

You're crossing my lines.
Would you pull your--?

Will you--? I got a shark!

I've never had one--
Come on. Ow, my foot.

Hey, get out of my face, will you?
Let me--

I got a shark here!

That's my line!
Will you let go of my line?

All right, get back! Get back!
I got a gun!

I got him. I got him.
Take a look at this.

What is it?

Now, that's fishing.

It's nice of you guys to stop by,
but I'm in a hurry.

I have to go to Michael Carlino's
party tonight, so...

What did you wanna talk to me about?
Frank?

Go ahead.
I'm not gonna ask her.

You ask.
You said you wanted to talk.

Go ahead.
Well, maybe I changed my mind.

I don't care.
You wanted--
This is your idea.

Why don't I go get ready
for the party

while you guys
work this out, okay?

Yeah, sure.

Why don't you just ask her,
you little ferret? Go on.

What, do I have to do everything?

Maggie, what do you know
about Michael Carlino?

Uh, not much, really.
I know he lent my father
some money

about two years ago
to start Guard Dog.

And he owns some
of the properties we protect.

Why? Are you still worried
about this union thing?

No. No, no, no.

Have there been a lot of burglaries
over the last couple of years?

Oh, I don't know. I've only been here
for the last six months.

I got divorced recently,
and I needed a job.

Get up. What are you doing?

And my father asked me
to come work for him,

until I got back on my feet.

Hello. Ha-ha-ha.

Norman.

Norman, what is this
all about, anyway?

Maggie, we have reason to believe
that your father and Michael Carlino

are involved in a major
criminal conspiracy.

Oh, you do?
Yes, we do.

And I suppose
that you can prove that?

No, not yet, but we're
working on it.

Well, work on it
someplace else, Dooley.

My father is a good man.
Now, you both get out of my house.

Come on, Frank.

Maggie, we're not implying that your
father did anything wrong, okay?

You know, you're a very nice man,
Norman, and I like you a lot.

But I think you let your partner here
talk you into something

that doesn't make
a whole hell of a lot of sense.

I would expect it from him,
but certainly not from you.

And I'm very disappointed
in you, Norman.

Now, please leave.

I'm sorry.

I was a good cop,
and I'm right about this.

Get out.

Get out.

You were great.
All right.

Fun, fun, fun.

So Frank tells me
you're an attorney.

And what line of work
would you be in, Noreen?

I'm a technician
in a tanning salon.

It's kind of boring.

But I get all the free rays I want.
Wonderful.

See, no tan line.

I don't see one, no.

You got a tan line?

No tan line here. Ha-ha-ha.
No tan line. Ha-ha-ha.

Are these girls wonderful
or what? Did I not tell you
they were the greatest?

Oh, wonderful.

Oh, what's with
Mr. Gloomy Gus? Hmm?

I just think you were a little
hard on Maggie, that's all.

I mean, I like her. You know,
my partner, Mr. Silver Tongue,

tells her her father's
a crook to her face.

Wonderful bedside manner.
Should've been a doctor.

Why'd you do it, Frank?

Because he is a crook.

I chase crooks for a living.
That's what I do. I'm a cop.

I used to be a cop.

And you were a terrific
cop, Frank. The best.

Thanks, Vicki.
Yeah.

Can you get Peepee
to get another pitcher here?

That'd be Pepe,
and I sure can.

Ned.
What?

Look who-- Come here.
Look who's here.

Hey, Frank,
what's happening?

Frank, how you doing?
Word's on the street you got a job.

Yeah, that's right.
Guard Dog Security?

Yeah.

Well, hello there.

Hey, why don't you dance
with some real cops?

These rent-a-cops are such a drag.

I'll tell you what. Norm,
why don't we take these two
lovely ladies out for the evening?

- Right.
- Roller-skating?

No, I got a much better
idea than that.

These guys will take care
of the bill here.

I have a very serious question to
ask you. Are you enjoying yourself?

Well, do you wanna know the truth?
No, I don't wanna know the truth.

Then I'm having
a wonderful time, thank you.

I'm having a wonderful time too.

But we could have a hell of a lot
better time if we go upstairs
and have a drink.

No.
No?

Sorry. No, I'm working.
What? Yeah?

You're working, right.
You're working for me.

No, no, I'm working
for my father.

Yeah, you're working for your father?
Like I said, you are working for me.

Who do you think
owns Guard Dog?

Excuse me,
I do have work to do.

What--?

Good evening, gentlemen.
Hey.

Frank, what are you guys
doing here?

We're working undercover.

Special assignment,
Operation Scumbag.

It's classified.
Very hush-hush.

Even O’Connell doesn't know.

Oh, really?

Yeah.
I don't see your name on the list here.

Well, why would you?

Do you think we'd go under
our real names?

Well, what names
are you under?

Oh, let me see the list.

Here we are here.
Pincus and McCarthy.

Pincus and McCarthy.
Right, Mr. Pincus.

McCarthy.
I'm Pincus.

Get it together, Kokolovitch.

You wanna open the doors, please?
I'd love to chat all evening with you.

Right.
Have fun.

I like your stole.

These suits look ridiculous. We're
gonna stand out like sore thumbs.

What do you expect on short notice?
I got us a deal, didn't I?

Yeah, what,
the Mexican-wedding rate?

I think you guys
both look hunky.

Oh, thank you.

I don't see O'Connell.
Keep your eyes open for Lazarus
and Klepper, all right?

Gotcha.

All right. Hey. Ha-ha-ha. Whoo.

What are you doing?
What's the matter?

We look like
a dance team.

Well, what do you want
me to do, Frank?

Mingle. You're a lawyer,
aren't you?

Investigate.

Let's mingle.
Okay.

Champagne, please.
Yes, sir.

Right away.
I just love champagne.

Good evening.

It's a wonderful affair, isn't it?
Thank you. Yes, it is.

Yeah.

Are you part
of the entertainment?

No, no, I've been jet-setting
around so much, you know,

I left my regular tuxedo
on the Concorde.

It's probably in Paris by now.

I had to get a rental.

Gosh, I didn't realize
it was going to be this formal.

If I had known it was going
to be this kind of party,

I would've worn underwear.

You clumsy fool, Look what you've
done all over my beautiful dress.

Dummy.
Sorry.

Get your hands off me.
Sorry.

Come on, dear.
So sorry.

You hungry?
Yeah.

Here. Give me it.
She's hungry.

You wanted to see me, Mike?
Yeah, Clarence, I did. Wait a second.

Hey...

Hey, I'll catch up with you later,
okay? You're beautiful.

I just saw O'Connell.

He's over there talking to Carlino.

I wonder what they're saying.

I used to be able to read lips.

- "Hello, Mike.
- I hear you lost your penis."

"Oh, yes. Yes, I did.

Have you seen it?"

"Yes, I believe I saw it
with the cocktail wieners."

"Oh, thank you very much.
I better Look in the kitchen then."

Or words to that effect.

Yeah, I'm glad I asked.

Hi, Daddy.
Hey, sweetheart.

Everything under control?
Yeah.

I just must have a complete set
of Carlino's fingerprints

on my fanny by now.

That son of a bi--
Hey.

I'm a big girl now.
I can take care of myself.

Yeah? Yeah?

Can I ask you a question?
Sure. What? Anything.

What do you think
of Dooley and Kane?

Why do you ask?
Because they said

that Carlino was responsible
for the warehouse robberies,

and that you were helping him.

And you believed them?
No, I don't believe them, Daddy.

That's why I'm asking you.

Look,

I don't have to explain myself
to you or anybody else.

Michael.
Hey, Lou.

I'm glad you could make it, baby.
All right.

I gotta talk to you in private,

but, Tony, Floyd, take
Mr. Brackman down to the pool.

Just give us about
10 minutes, right?

Sure, Michael.

Glass of bubbly, Lou?
Why not?

Don't eat too much. We're going
out for pizza later. Wait right here.
Come on. Let's go.

What are we doing?
Come on.

We're early.

Come on.

It's locked.

- Somebody's coming.
- Oh, jeez.

Come on, hurry.

Hey, turn on the steam, Tony.

I gotta relax before
I go up to that party.

Because I really like it hot.

You did everything
I told you to do?

Yes, I took the entire pension and
welfare fund, I converted it to cash,

and negotiable bonds just like
you said, but I'll tell you the truth,
I don't like it, Michael.

Why do you need so much cash,
over $11 million?

Because we're gonna make a major
transaction down in South America.

And our friends down there,
they don't take credit cards.

If that's union money, how can you
use it to pay the Colombians with?

Because you're gonna take that
union money tomorrow, you're
gonna put it in an armored car,

and transfer it to a bank
in Riverside.

But guess what?
I'm gonna make sure
the armored car doesn't get there.

But don't be a schmuck, Michael.
You can't do that.

Why not? The insurance
will take care of it.

But the insurance company's
gonna start asking a lot of questions,
like why I turned everything into cash.

There's bound to be
an investigation, and I'm gonna
end up taking the fall on this.

You can't do this, Michael.
Don't be an asshole.

Yeah, jeez, you're right, Lou.

What a testa dura I am. Oh, jeez.

Frank. Frank.

I gotta get out!
Would you shut up?

Lou, thank you. Thank you, baby,
for telling me about it. Thank you.

You know,
Michael, I'm just-- I'm trying
to do what's best for everybody.

- Yeah, sure. Thanks, Lou.
- Thank you.

I guess I’ll be going now.
Now, Lou,

why don't you have Tony
and Floyd see you home?

Goodbye, Lou.

- Frank!
- Go on, get out of here!

So-- So long. Michael--

Shh!

Um, excuse me,

have you seen
our dates anywhere?

Your dates?
What are their names?

Oh, we don't have
any dates tonight.

- No, we're alone.
- No, no, you're not alone.

You're with Michael Carlino.
I'm your date.

Hey, come on, let's take our
clothes off. We'll go inside,
we'll take a steam bath.

- We'll get acquainted, all right?
- We're really hungry.

Could you take us to dinner?
No, we're gonna go one-on-one.

I mean, one-on-two.
We're gonna have a threesome.

- The girls are out there.
- Frank.

Shh.
Frank.

All right, we’ll eat first, and then
we are gonna steam, right?

Yeah.
That's a promise. Let's do it.

Come on.
Hold on.

Okay.

I'll kill you, you son of a--!

All right, all right.

"Let's go in
the steam room."

Good idea, Frank.
Real good.

It's a good thing we didn't hide
in the barbecue pit.

Carlino would've had
a sudden craving for ribs.

I don't listen to you
anymore, Frank.

From now on,
I call the shots.
You got that?

I call the shots.
All right. Come on,

they're gonna nail Brackman.

Come on, you guys.
Mike was only kidding, right?

Give me a break.

You couldn't give me a pass
on this one, huh, Tony?
I could just disappear.

Oh, you're gonna disappear,
all right. Get in the car, Lou.

Brackman!

Brackman, run for it!

Smoke him, Anthony.

- Brackman, come here.
- You made it.

Frank, he's not moving.

It's too late. He's dead.

What the hell’s going on out here?

I don't know, people
shooting over there.

There's a body.
Who the hell are those guys?

Help! Hit men!

Hit men! Help!

Couple of hit men out here.

Dooley, Kane,
what the hell are you doing?

You know those guys?
Yeah, they work for me.

They just knocked off
Lou Brackman. Get the cops.

Well, Mr. Brains,
what do we do now?

Get the car!
Get the car.

Don't let them get away. Stop them.
Hey, stop.

See, they're not stopping.

Go.

Go, go, go.

- Okay, everybody, it's all over.
- It's all over.

You can come out now.
Kokolovitch!

Make sure everybody goes
to their cars, and peacefully.

Don't panic, don't panic.

Do you believe it?

In my house, they kill
my best friend, Lou Brackman.

Dad, you know
they didn't kill him.

I told you to stay
out of this, didn't I?

Union racketeering,
grand theft, now murder.

I tell you, Norm,
we're gonna get those guys.

Get them? I wanna
get away from them.

Oh, thank God, the police.
Don't stop.

Why?
Don't stop!

What are you doing?
You're going down
a one-way street.

Oh!

Watch where you're going.
I'm watching. Did you get them?

No.
Ah!

Look at those guys.

- Come on, let's go.
- All right. All right.

Frank, come on.

Come on.

Uh, my friend got married today.
Got married.

He's going on his honeymoon tonight.
Big night tonight.

Whoo!

We're gonna keep browsing.
I'll find something.

Yeah.
Right.

What are you reading?
Panty Boys. And you?

Love Suckers.

Huh.

I want you to case all
these buildings over here.

And question some
of these people.

- Let's check this place out.
- Hey, get out of the way.

Jesus.

Hey, guys, I already paid you
for this month, remember?

Zip it, sleazeball.
We're looking for somebody.

Well, what do we do now, Frank?
We can't stay in here all night.

I know.

Give me a quarter.

Oh, for God's sake.
Just give me a quarter.

Learn to control your urges.
If it offends you so much, don't watch.

You're sick.
Thank you.

You're a sick man.
Just check the door.

Sick.

The cops are still out there.
Uh-huh.

Do we really have time for this, Frank?
It helps me think.

It's all right, I got it.
Come on, I'll get it. I got it.

I got it, I got it.
All right, all right, all right.

Here, grab a chair, grab a chair.

Hurry up.
Get out of the way.

Oh.

Hello.

I think she likes me. Yeah.

Frank, I've got an idea.
Yeah, me too.

Wait. Wait, wait, give me a quarter.

Give me a quarter! Dig, dig!
All right, here. Easy. See a doctor.

Psst.

Fifi.

Disgusting magazines.
I'm out of here.

If you tell anyone about this--

Yeah, I'm gonna send
a postcard to my family.

I'm just warning you, that's all.
Let's go.

- The guy is kind of a big blond guy.
- He's kind of funny-looking.

The other one's dark,
curly hair, sort of ethnic.

Maybe you've seen
these guys around.

What are you looking at,
you schmuck?

Oh, isn't he cute?
And look at these muscles.

Get your hands off me. Who
do you think you're talking
to? I'm a police officer.

He gets frisky when he sees a badge.

Hey.
Hello.

What are you doing
later on tonight?

Take a walk, you jerk.

Let's trot.
Why can't you look this good?

Mother Nature wasn't
so kind to some of us.

Move it.
Ooh, he touched me.

I got my Christmas goose early.
Whoo, whoo.

Oh, aren't you
the cheeky one?

Please, that's like the pot
calling the kettle black.

Oh, is that a fact? Mm.
Yes.

Hi, Maggie. Thanks for coming.

I'm sorry.

I came as soon as
you called me. I'm sorry.

You guys aren't hurt
or anything, are you?

No, not hurt, not hurt.
I'm a little upset.

I'm a little angry.
I'm tired of being shot at.

I'm tired of being treated
like a sexual object.

I wish you had listened
to us yesterday.

Well, I'm sorry.
I'm ready to listen now.

Okay? So, what's
going on?

Carlino is hitting
an armored truck.

It carries the union's pension and
welfare money. Frank's got a plan.

Give me the map.
No.

Give me the map.
No.

Mmm. Bend over. Unh.

Now, they're planning on hitting
this armored truck somewhere
between here and Riverside.

But we're gonna nail them first, see,
right here at Seventh and Elm.

Now, this is where you come in.
You gotta arrange that Norm
is driving that truck.

That way, he can lead Carlino's
men to our rendezvous point,

where I’ll be waiting
to catch them in the act.

I'm driving the truck?

Yeah, did I forget
to mention that point?

Yes, you did forget
to mention that.

I'm driving the truck? Sorry, it sounds
a little, uh, flaky now, you know?

This whole plan
sounds dangerous.

I mean, what if you're not there,
Frank? Do you have a backup plan?

There's no backup plan, buddy boy.
This is it. I’ll be there.

You see, the point is this: There's
good guys, and there's bad guys.

There's right, and there's wrong.

And there comes a time
in every man's life

when he's gotta
take a stand.

And this time is now.

You're right.
You're right.

Well, count me in.
Thanks, Maggie.

What about you, Clarence?
You all set?

All set.

Everything's in place.
Okay, good.

But you gotta keep me informed.
I gotta know when it's over.

Okay.

What's the matter with you, Clarence?
You got a problem?

I just don't want
any of our drivers hurt.

You don't want any of our drivers--?
Right.

What the hell is this? Huh?

Is this a Holy Name Society
meeting or something?

Don't you get emotional
on me now, Clarence, eh?

You listen to me.
I warned you before.

Just do what I tell you,
because a lot of people
might get hurt.

Including that daughter
of yours, right?

You understand
what I mean?

Yeah, I understand.
You better.

You better understand
what I mean.

Get his ass out of here.

Gentlemen, there's been a change.

I'm taking you off
the armored car run.

But Captain O'Connell
told us not to screw up.

Yes, that's why
I'm taking you off.

Huh.

Better safe than sorry.

Yes, you're right.

Oh, that figures.

Hey, you driving this thing?

Uh, that's right. Uh-huh.
I'd hate to be in your shoes, pal.

Biggest shipment
we've ever had.

Yeah, might as well paint "hit me"
on the side of this truck.

Well, nice talking to you.

Yeah.

What are you doing here?
I'm riding shotgun.

Oh, no.
Oh, yes.

I can't let you do this, Maggie.
Why?

Somehow I'd feel bad if we both
got killed on our first date.

Don't worry, Norm.

- All right, you're loaded.
- Let it roll.

Let's go. Let's go.

Okay.

Hyah.

Come on, now.

There we go.

Come on.

Don't do this to me, all right?

Hey, what are you doing here?
I put you on that armored truck job.

But Sergeant Cavanaugh
took us off.

So who's driving
the truck?

She is.

Better safe than sorry.
Right.

Okay, Dolan, you ready?

We're headed toward Spring Street.
We'll be there in 18 minutes.

We're ready. Just give us
a couple minutes warning.

Dolan, we're going
for a kind of terrorist Look

so smoke the drivers.
No witnesses on this one.

Come on. There we go,
right onto the road.

Now you know where you are.

Ice Cream, you ready?

Well, there they are.

So far, so good.

We're all set. There'll be no
police coverage in the area
for the next 20 minutes.

Rizzo, it's about time
you earned your money.

You make sure
it stays empty.

Yeah, right. Jerk.

All right, that's it.
One more time.

This is it. It's the last
chance you'll get.

All right. Here we go.

All right!

Come on, we got work to do.

Let's kick some ass.

Okay, now, this is where
they expect us to go, right?

Right.

And that's where we're really
gonna go, right?

That's right.

But Frank won't be there.
He'll be there.

No, he won't be there.
He'll wanna be there.

It won't be his fault,
but he won't be there.

Hang on, here we go.

Whoa!

Good work, Norman.
Yeah.

That crazy bastard.
Hang on, Floyd!

What's going on?

Oh, great. Just my luck.

Hey! Idiot!

No!

No!

That's it, I've had it with you.
I've had it up to here.

Okay, six more blocks
and a right turn.

Looks like we got company.

Waste them, Floyd!

All right, no more
Mr. Nice Guy.

They're trying
to kill us, Anthony!

Watch out, Anthony!

See you, suckers.

I really hate those guys.

I think I'm getting the hang of this.
Very impressive, Norman.

Norm.

Dolan, they're on Industrial,
heading your way. Cut them off.

Let's go.

Ma, this was a mistake.
Oh, yeah, this ain't gonna last.

Lady, open up! Open up!
What? What?

I'm a special officer.

Give me your car.
Yeah, right. What are you, nuts?

Get out of my face. Get, get.
No, no-- Wow!

Wow! Ah!

Give me your car.

Hey. Hey, hey, I need your help.

No way.

- Throw me another one.
- What a geek.

Your mom dress you?

Hey!

Wait, this is an armored car!
Get up, Norman!

Oh, Mother!
No!

Shit. Come on, get this thing
out of here. Get it out of here.

Well, don't just sit there,
tell me where we are.

- What the hell is going on?
- What the hell's going on?

Your boys lost the truck.

You kidding me?
Where are they now?

I don't know.

Let's go!

- Come on! Don't let them get away!
- Okay, okay.

There's $11 million
in there. Come on.

Got it! Got it!
Get them!

Watch this!

Watch it!

Surprise.

Are you pazzo? What
are you doing, Clarence?

Something I should have done
a long time ago, Carlino:

Bust your ass!
What?

Hey, there's my father.
He's helping us.

I only got time to say this once.
I'm a special officer.

And you gotta get me to 83rd
and Aviation.

Otherwise, two very wonderful
people are gonna die.

Well, climb on in here, slim.

Thank you very much.

Well, let's see how fast this
son of a bitch can go!

Hold on tight
to your saddle horns, son!

We're moving now!

Get out of here!

Sorry about that!

Just like those bumper cars,
remember?

Hey, you're all right, you know that?
Yeah, you too, buddy. I like you.

Whoo!

Move it!

Turn off over here.
All right.

Slim, I ain't never seen
a handgun that big before.

Yeah, it's a .50 caliber.

They used to use it to hunt
buffalo with. Up close.

It's only legal
in two states.

And this isn't one of them.
You're something else, slim.

Dolan, they're on Industrial,
heading your way. You cut them off.

We're on our way!

They're coming right for you,
Ice Cream Man.

Are you ready?
We're ready.

So, what are you hauling?
Rocket fuel.

Oh, perfect.

There they are.

Frank!

Hard left!

Oh, Frank.

Hey, I told you I'd be here.

You didn't tell me they'd be
using guided missiles.

All right. So maybe there were
a few flaws in my plan.

A few flaws?

I'm very sorry about your truck.
It's all in a day's work.

Hey, nice attitude.
Look!

Hey, nice attitude.
Look!

I'm gonna kill those guys!
Run them down.

All right, slim.

Ooh, they're gonna
feel that in the morning.

Freeze. This is
a citizen's arrest.

Give me that.

I'm an attorney.
Give me a call.

Slim, you think I could
get me one of them?

Hell, thanks for the lift.

Thank you.
My pleasure.

It's been a hoot, slim.
All right. Take care.

I hope you got a permit
for that fire, Dooley.

That's very funny.
Still got a good sense
of humor, captain.

Captain, do you know my partner--?
Cut the crap. What's this all about?

Not much, really, uh...

Just that we're prepared to give
sworn testimony to a grand jury

concerning a criminal conspiracy
between Michael Carlino

a couple cops, various employees
of IMOC Industries.

And where is
Michael Carlino now?

Right here.
Yeah, right here.

- Come on.
- Drop the gun, huh?

I'll tell you anything you need
to know about this shit-heap.

Get him out of here!

You're gonna pay for this, Clarence.
You're gonna pay!

You're gonna pay!

I'll be back!
It's your vendetta!

Dooley, you are a disgrace to this
or any other uniform, you know that?

So I guess we're gonna have
to put you in plain clothes
when we bring you back.

You mean that? I'm back? Will that
involve a raise or a promotion?

Not a chance.

Yeah, you got quite
a girl here, captain.

Take your hands off her.

Norm.
Yeah.

Call me.

You mean it?
Yeah.

Sure.

So you're his partner.
Yeah, that's right.

You interested in police work?
We could use a good man.

Uh, no, it's very flattering,
but I'm an attorney.

Of course, he's interested.
I'm not interested.

You're gonna be a good cop.
I'm not gonna be a good cop.

He'll be a great cop.
The man's lost his marbles.

Why are you telling them
I wanna be a cop?

Because you're gonna be a cop.

If I say you're gonna be a cop,
you're gonna be a cop.

Well, I'm sorry,
I don't wanna be a cop.