Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Oh, no, no.

Yes! Aah!

SHE HISSES, BELL RINGS

Aah!

Um...

Quite windy today. Yeah.

Christ.

Ooh! Wrong way.

That's how you do it, baby.

OK.

Oh, my God!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Ooh!

SHE BABBLES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello.

I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome to the Taskmaster grand final!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a journey we've been on.

We've seen the full smorgasbord of skills and intuition,

and a woman from the north looking baffled.

As we thunder into this final set of challenges,

the ultimate prize of my gilded nut

could go to any of them,

apart from two of them who definitely can't win

because they've been rubbish. LAUGHTER

So here they are - please roar one last time for the phenomenal

Joanne McNally... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..John Robins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Nick Mohammed... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Sophie Willan... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Steve Pemberton! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And for the last time this series,

a man who I always associate with a good night out

because he looks like a giant revolving kebab that

a kid in bottom-set art has drawn a face on.

It's little Alex Horne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Woo!

Yeah! Yeah, man.

Awesome. Hey, Greg. I'm wearing my special outfit for the final.

So...pretty cool.

Genuinely all I wanna do is wear these for the whole show.

LAUGHTER

Well, I shan't be allowing the glasses to be worn for the final.

I must wear the... No, I should wear them. Give me the...

I haven't trimmed them!

GASP, LAUGHTER

I mean, to be fair, it's one of your better chat sections.

Here we go, then. What is the final prize task

of the series, please, Alex?

Well, Greggington Bear, we're ending on something that could really make

a difference to the world, because you've asked them to bring in

the thing that gives the most hope for the future of

the human race. ALEX GASPS

CROWD OOHS Biggie.

Five points seems like a fair deal for

the thing that gives the most hope for the future of the human race

and at the end of the episode, well, we'll all have hope.

And perhaps that's all you can ask for in this life.

I love you guys.

LAUGHTER Over to you, Greg.

Right then. Sophie.

Welcome to the final. What have you brought in?

Right, so...

AI.

One day, right, you'll be able to assess a body part

using your phones and stuff, right?

Right. We'll be able to have a full medical dead quick with AI.

Right. And I thought that would be great. Yeah.

And I thought especially for you,

because of your life choices and everything that you get up to.

LAUGHTER

I'm carrying a couple of pounds.

Yes, and you look knackered. Right. LAUGHTER

Sophie, can I show Greg what you've actually brought in?

Oh, yes. This is to remind you that there is hope on the way.

Yes. Thank you. A little robot.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think you're right, that AI could save us,

and therefore this is not, as per, total shit.

Great. Well done. I'll take it.

Nick.

So what I have brought is...

..the concept of fate.

LAUGHTER

Because I think that nothing...

..should give more hope to the human race,

that no matter how much you might sort of

screw up in life or on this show...

Um... LAUGHTER

..the fact that it might be written in the stars somehow

I think offers a degree of comfort.

Do you know what I mean by that? Yes... Yes.

Largely to people who don't take responsibility

for their own actions. Yes.

Well, to that end, I have...

..made a prediction...

Oh... ..of my final score on this show.

That's quite exciting. So I have genuinely, inside there, OK... Yeah.

I have written my final score of the whole series.

Right. I'll sign it on here across the flap to...

You're watching Taskmaster on Channel 4.

LAUGHTER

Greg, if you sign it over the seal as well...

There's a Sharpie. You know that no-one can get at it.

Great. OK. And then if you just wanna pop that under there.

I'll pop it under there. And... Yeah, I will.

And the proof will be at the end but, um... But, yeah. Fate.

I feel like I'm totally under his power.

LAUGHTER

Good. John.

Um, the world's in a pretty scary place.

I think we'd all agree that perhaps those in power don't represent us.

Yeah, man. Yeah. APPLAUSE

I can see only one solution and that is...

..Kathy Burke.

LAUGHTER

I had the pleasure of meeting Kathy for the first time recently.

She is kind, funny, insightful, wise,

and I just think if we were somehow able

to put Kathy Burke in charge of everything

and/or clone her - with permission -

then it would mean an end to war, inequality, poverty.

I just think she's got a lot of answers.

I mean, that is a lot of responsibility to put on

the shoulders of the woman from Kevin And Perry Go Large.

LAUGHTER

She chose Get Ur Freak On on Desert Island Discs

and that was my first dance at my wedding. OK.

LAUGHTER

That's reason alone to give her a low mark.

Um, big fan.

Joanne. Yeah. Hello.

Um, I really thought about this, and the future of the human race,

as much as I love men, they are a big problem.

All the big hitters, all the big dictators, all men. Yeah.

I've referred constantly to myself as a basic bitch.

It's time to give the power to women like me.

I present you with the Basic Bitch Starter Pack.

Yeah.

We've got... LAUGHTER

..some cucumber eye sheets, we've got a couple of cheapo

scented candles from Primark. LAUGHTER

Slippers. A onesie, cos basic bitches like to be cosy,

we like to relax. LAUGHTER

Give more power to the basic bitches.

Things would be a lot more chilled. APPLAUSE

I've always said that.

I quite like it. You sort of make sense.

Steve, what have you brought us? GREG CHUCKLES

I've brought something tonight that

I don't think anyone's ever brought into Taskmaster before.

OK. And it's this. Here it is.

Nothing. Oh, God.

You're gonna make me have an existential crisis, aren't you?

This is a statement - nothing.

If you think about all the dreadful things we've been through recently.

Sorry - artificial intelligence. Brexit, uh, cancel culture,

deathly pandemics. Yeah.

Greenhouse gases, hottest temperatures ever,

ice caps melting,

John Robins probably winning Taskmaster.

LAUGHTER

These are the disasters of this age.

LAUGHTER

And I think you know it, Greg.

I do now. And yet...

And yet.

He's doing the Tony Blair thumb point.

LAUGHTER

If there is a child watching this tonight

who looks up from their TikTok or their memes

just because of what I've just said

and thinks, "Why is the nice old vicar-man saying

"the world's gonna end?"

"I've gotta do something about that,"

and they tell a friend and their friend tells a friend,

suddenly you've got the start of a movement

just because I chose to bring in nothing to Taskmaster.

And if you can support me on this, Greg...

..then I think this could be the beginning of a real change.

Society needs truth-tellers.

Emmeline Pankhurst,

Rosa Parks, Malala...

..Greg Davies.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I...I just wanna take a moment, if I may,

cos it's the first time I'll be included in a sentence

in the same company as Malala.

LAUGHTER

Right then, Greg. Good luck.

Well, John. It's no slight on Kathy Burke,

I just haven't met her so I can't judge.

Kathy, if you're watching, sorry about this. One point.

LAUGHTER

Nick. It's difficult because Nick's magic trick... Hmm.

Like at the moment it's rubbish, but it might turn out to be amazing.

I'm giving him two points, full stop, end of.

But if he correctly predicts the score at the end,

I'll give him a cash prize from my own...

A cash prize. There we go.

£300. Woo! CROWD OOHS

Do I have to donate it to charity? No.

LAUGHTER

Three points for the robot. Three to Sophie.

Cos AI might well save us, it might also destroy us. Big problem.

I'm gonna give the concept of nothing, even though it was one of

the greatest performances I've ever seen, just because of,

er, a basic bitch running the gaff is a bit more tangible,

I'll give her five points there.

Four points to Steve, five to Joanne, there we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That was so genuinely hard to score.

Impossible, impossible.

Let's have a proper task.

OK, well, first up for the final we have pegs, Greg, pegs.

Loads of pegs, Greg, and tasks, Greg.

Don't ask, Greg, but there's so many tasks, Greg,

tasks and peg, Greg. Let's go!

DUCK QUACKS

Oh, God.

All right. All right? Yeah, I'm all right.

John! Hello, Alex.

Please open a task.

Oh, where is it?

It's...it's not that, is it? No.

But they're all tasks.

Is this a random choice of task, whichever I want? Yes.

This guy.

You sure? Yeah. No.

Oh, God.

"Find and complete the real task."

"Each task has a 1% chance of being the real task."

"Fastest wins.

"Your time started when you opened your first task."

APPLAUSE Lovely.

Well, this is one of those tasks that we do from time to time

I think that is a basic intelligence test.

Cos there are two ways of approaching this.

It's to take a moment

and to work out if there's a way of finding out what

the real task is before you, uh,

maniacally rip all of those tasks off the washing line.

Shall we crack on? Let's have a look. OK.

Sophie and Joanne are up first to find the real task. Here we go.

Like there's no point in me just pulling all these off,

sure there's not.

"Fin..." Oh. "Find and complete the real task."

No. Find and complete the real task.

Oh, do you know what? I'm going down here.

There has to be a better way of doing this.

Aah!

Is that...am I missing something?

Clue, is there a clue? I'm not seeing clues.

I'm gonna go in the middle.

What's S mean? Aah!

I know I'm missing something,

I'm missing a trick somewhere.

Right, uh, think, Sophie. Clue.

S-E-D.

Ah.

Will you hold them?

Oh, thank you. Nice to be involved.

Make yourself useful.

Is there nothing in the shed for this?

Ah!

H.

This is the real task.

Just about looking, isn't it?

Yeah, peg all the tasks onto the wa... Oh.

This is like some sort of lesson, isn't it?

I-It's the moral is, you know, don't rush in.

Be less reactive as a person

and you won't have to clean up your own mess afterwards.

1%. I wanted to think outside the box.

I feel like I'm very much in the box.

Any more letters there?

It's not going well.

Shed! Fuck. Shit.

There you are.

I've stopped the clock!

Brilliant! Sophie, congratulations.

Thank you very much.

"Peg all the tasks to the washing line!"

This is like Guantanamo Bay.

Oh, my God. Alex, are you gonna help with me this now?

OK, so this is going in one pack.

What time are we at now?

Oh, you've had quite a while now.

Oh, my God.

Now. I've stopped the clock.

Oh!

APPLAUSE

What do you think, Joanne, how do you feel watching back?

I was at the stage in the task where I knew I was stupid

and missing something, but I didn't know what it was.

Yeah. But then I did think

I was smart by pegging them all back up in a lump

rather than individually.

And getting him to do it, yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course.

Yeah, I had to help because it had taken so long.

Sophie, not for the first time you sounded like

an Alan Bennett monologue. Hmm.

"It's a lesson for life, this, isn't it?"

Yeah, I think I've been baffled for a lot. It's been horrific, actually.

You weren't that baffled in this one, Sophie.

You stepped back and saw the enormous arrow pointing at the shed.

Was the, were the tasks in the shape of an arrow?

LAUGHTER

I didn't... I swear to God I didn't see that.

I don't think you should be allowed to run the world.

You spotted it after two minutes. Did I?

You pinned them all back up after three minutes 41,

you completed the task.

And what was Joanne's time?

20 minutes and 20 seconds. LAUGHTER

Guess what? Yeah, sorry - here are some adverts.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back to part two of our final where there are

a lot of tasks hung up on a washing line to dry.

That's right. These guys had to find the real task

and then do that task.

OK, we've seen Sophie and Joanne

so it's only fair we now see Steve, Nick and John.

Each task has a 1% chance, but the H of chance is underlined.

Some of the letters are underlined, Alex.

It spells out H-E-D-S. What does that mean?

# A, B, C, D, E... #

Right. In case that's the thing.

Find and complete the re... No, it's not that, is it?

Is that an arrow?

H-E-D-S.

Shed.

Fuck this, I'm going to the shed.

OK, hang on. An anagram of H...

Is that the only ones underlined? H, E and D

and S...STED?

Is that an arrow, Alex?

It's arrow!

Shed...shed. Going to the shed.

"This is the real task - peg all the tasks to the washing line."

OK.

Ha, ha! Ah, you suckers.

I didn't take any off, did I? I took two off.

I've stopped the clock, John. Have I finished?

I've stopped the clock.

There you go.

Is that good? Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Well, this has set the feminist movement back by years, I would say.

LAUGHTER

They were quick, deadly. Yeah.

Observant, to the point, they all had a catchphrase.

Steve, "Fuck this, I'm going to the shed," for example.

John's - possibly my favourite, "It's arrow!"

LAUGHTER

And, "Ah, you suckers."

I think out of the three it's unsurprising

the slowest was Nick.

One minute 50 for you, Nick. OK.

The others? John, one minute 16. Steve, 49.8 seconds.

APPLAUSE

All three were very pleased with themselves.

Oh, don't, don't, don't, don't.

Oh. Sophie. Yeah?

You are safe. Great.

Oh, hello.

The rest of you, watch this.

Remember you did have to peg ALL the tasks to the washing line.

AUDIENCE: Oh...

See you later. Do you want me to pick that up?

Yes, please.

Thank you. OK.

Oh, lovely.

Goodbye, Nick. See you later.

Joanne and Nick, you did not complete the task.

I don't think that's gonna make a difference to my score,

to be honest. No. Which means Nick and Joanne

both don't get any points. Three points to Sophie,

four to John and five to Steve Pemberton.

APPLAUSE

Scoreboards, please.

Yes, in the lead with nine it's Steve Pemberton.

What's next for this big fancy final?

OK, well, this task is all anyone ever wants, really -

a hug with an old friend.

You like these big Lawrence Of Arabia

opening approach shots, don't you?

Yeah.

Bet the director's loving this.

I'm not in the right shoes for this set-up, really.

Having a good day? Yeah, it's really good

I was just riding a horse bareback there.

It's not QWERTY, it's not a keyboard layout.

And it's not in alphabetical order.

But there are also repeats of some letters cos there's two G...

I should read the task.

"Hug your special friend."

Hmm.

"Hug your special friend."

Does that mean I have to give you a hug? We are colleagues.

Oh, right, OK.

"Every time you touch a letter you must turn it over

"and one minute will be added to your time."

"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."

It is on the vague side, Alex.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Special friend's quite a creepy thing to say.

Oh, is it? Shall I stop doing that?

Yeah, there's been a few times during this series where I've thought,

"I don't know, I think he's been

"spending a bit too much time on his own."

Let's start! OK, now it's one for

the birdwatchers out there. Hi, Dad. Hi, Mum.

Look, it's a pair of jays.

Joanne and John.

Well, I, I guess I'm gonna start turning over letters.

Sure.

All right.

I'm gonna go J cos that's my, um...

Well, all right, that, OK.

Let's go Z.

Biscuit.

You hungry? No.

Really? Hug your spe... Oh, do I have to spell out hug?

No, let's spell out your name. Is it Alex?

That is my name. Ah!

What, what have you found?

Your name.

You think?

A string.

There's probably no strategy to this.

I'd say it's just a kind of like a free-for-all.

I get that vibe.

OK.

We've got a compass at least.

Oh, no.

Oh, no?

It's one of these.

So I've gotta follow this in some direction from here,

I would say, so I reckon if I go in a circle, at the end of this string

I'm gonna find a special friend.

Ow.

I'm in quite a lot of pain, Alex.

Would you like a biscuit?

Wouldn't mind some gloves,

or just at least an eye on health and safety.

Hello, hello?

RINGING

RINGING

I think I've done the wrong thing. LAUGHTER

RINGING

Aah!

RINGING CONTINUES

250 degrees west.

That's 250 degrees west? BUZZ

Is it? Yeah. Unless your compass is wrong.

Which way is north, John?

BUZZ This compass is wrong.

Have you used a compass before? Yeah.

Ah, that's north.Yeah. BELL DINGS

Oh, fuck.

A-ha-ha-ha! RINGING

I've stopped the clock.

I remember him.

He's your special friend.

Oh, hello. I've done it, Alex!

I've stopped the clock, John. AUDIENCE AWWS

That was incredibly frustrating.

Yeah.

Not bad.

Thanks, Joanne. No worries, thank you.

APPLAUSE

Joanne. Hmm.

Have you ever seen a walkie-talkie before?

Cos you looked at it with such childlike wonderment.

Well, there's something earlier in the series

that I thought was a walkie-talkie

but was a barbecue lighter. A barbecue lighter.

LAUGHTER

I'm not in the Army, OK?

I, I should have told you. OK. She's not in the Army.

Why didn't you tell me she's not in the Army? I'm sorry.

John takes this very seriously, this show.

He is a Taskmaster nerd and I enjoyed seeing you get angry.

It was 38 degrees when we filmed that.

And Alex kept asking me if I wanted a biscuit

when I found biscuits under the letters.

I couldn't believe you didn't want a biscuit.

I didn't want a biscuit, Alex. John's got no time for whimsy.

He wants to complete the task quickly

and get the delicious points. That's...yes.

Who's next? Next up, all the way from Fleetwood Mac,

it's "Steve'n Nick's" attempts. Steve and Nick's.

Who's my special friend?

Is it one of the horses?

I don't know what you do in your own time.

Right, well, I would love to spell out the phrase

"hug your special friend", but scanning the letters

I'm not seeing the letter Y.

Um, I'm gonna just start with an H.

Is this a timed thing?

Fastest wins. Fastest wins, OK.

And one minute per letter turned over.

Huh? One minute is...

Per, per letter turned over. Yes.

NICK GASPS

Chocolate biscuit.

So it's someone who likes chocolate biscuits. OK.

Or is it for me, this chocolate biscuit? It's for me? All right.

Oh. Hello?

Is that my special friend?

Fastest wins, Nick.

Yeah, I, I, I was aware of, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Oh.

250 degrees west.

I'm guessing I'm gonna have to eventually turn all of these over,

so why am I messing around?

Oh, some wool.

All right, what's the task again?

"Every time you touch a letter you must turn it over

"and one minute will be added to your time."

Yeah, you've spent 48 minutes so far.

Oh, and fastest wins.

Right.

Mannequin...mannequin. The mannequin is my special friend.

Uh, so north is that way.

Yeah, if north's that way, which way do you reckon west is?

This way. BELL DINGS

That's west. BUZZ

I don't wanna expend unnecessary energy. Hmm.

LAUGHTER

Hello, over.

Maybe, is this a clue? BELL DINGS

Is this an arrow, the mannequin, that's pointing up this way?

Oh, there's something colourful. Oh!

A-ha.

APPLAUSE

Oh, you look like one of my characters from League of Gentlemen.

Oh, fucking hell!

SLOWED: Oh, fucking hell!

Oh, you're terrifying.

Well, that wasn't too bad.

No? Yeah, I think I did middling on that.

Hmm. Well, you turned over 45 letters.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And see, this is the difference between John and Nick,

is that when you see a whimsical biscuit's been left under...

I eat it. You think, "I'm prioritising this biscuit."

I think it was the biscuit that made me forget that you weren't meant

to turn over many letters, cos as soon as I had that biscuit

I just started turning over as many as I could find.

Yeah, the other difference is that

Nick obviously did very badly.

Very pleased with himself. LAUGHTER

"I think that went quite well."

Steve, how do you feel?

Uh, annoyed I didn't eat the biscuit.

Um, I was looking forward to finding

a lovely word thing in the labyrinth of words.

Totally forgot the fact that each one was a minute.

Yeah, and then the greeting was,

I mean, borderline orgasmic.

Had you forgotten there was someone inside your mannequin?

I'd totally forgotten, cos it was weeks and weeks earlier.

So I screamed, didn't I?

It was hilarious. Yeah.

Good. Now I'm not one to make, uh, judgements

and I'm always fast to apologise when I do.

But I predict Sophie's gonna be shit at this.

OK. Time for another ad break. See you in a bit.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

You join us for the third quarter of our final

and the completion of a task all about tracking down old friends.

Yes, old friends that they made for themselves -

quite sad, really. They've all managed to find

and hug them so far, but there is still one person left to go.

WILLan Sophie be reunited with her old friend?

Let's find out right now.

Right, OK.

"Every time you touch a letter you must turn it over.

"And one minute will be added to your time."

But I don't want to touch a letter, then.

"Fastest wins."

Is it a tree-hugging exercise?

Is it that sort of thing?

The problem is you've got crew hiding in bushes, haven't you?

It's quite daunting.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello-oh?

I might aim for that tree over there.

Yeah, OK. Do...and I don't wanna faff about with these, do I?

No.

Hello? Who's there?

SHE GASPS

Oh, see...

Oh, I thought it was gonna be an old school friend or something.

It's your old friend Wolfie. Wolfie!

I've stopped the clock.

Is that it?

APPLAUSE

I formally apologise.

Thank you.

Incredible, I mean, 100% accidental?

Well, I thought you would have

a friend of mine from Manchester hid in a bush that's...

You thought that several times. I thought Amy again.

Yeah...yeah. Yeah.

No, this show isn't about reuniting people with... Yeah.

LAUGHTER ..long-lost friends.

She has kept saying will her friend jump out of something.

Where's Amy? Always Amy. Yeah.

I don't know why, I just thought Amy'd be someone you'd approach.

Have you not seen Amy for a while?

I've not. Or this show ever? LAUGHTER

She managed to find it in four minutes 44 seconds.

CROWD OOHS

No punishment, no extra minutes. Want to hear the points?

Yeah. Well, Sophie found it quickest in four minutes 44.

Ooh, five sweet points.

Exactly, yeah.

Er, Joanne, 11 minutes 20 with your punishments.

Four sweet points. Four sweet points.

John, you turned over ten which means you had a total of

21 minutes 20.

Oh, the three sweet points.

Yeah, and then the guys who turned over 45 cards.

Steve, your total time was 52 minutes 37.

Nick, 56 minutes 25.

Two points to Steve, one point to Nick Mohammed. There it is.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow, this is my worst round yet.

Good. OK, what's next?

Well, the bad news is it's the final task.

Aww. But the good news is,

Greg, you've just become a TV commissioner, at last.

Hello, Sophie. Hello.

Hello, Nick, hello, Steve. Hello. Oh, hello.

I keep forgetting that you're here.

Pardon? Sorry, nothing. LAUGHTER

OK, good luck.

"Present the best new short-form shiny floor American game show."

"Alex will be the contestant.

"One of you must be his rival and somebody must win."

"The game show Greg most wants to see commissioned wins.

"Also there is a bonus point for best new game-show catchphrase."

"You have a maximum of 30 minutes. Your time starts now."

You, what about if you had to go through

the stool of your opposite contestant

and guess what they had for dinner last night.

OK.

Can you play the keyboard? No, but I can do...

SHE PLAYS A FEW NOTES

LAUGHTER I imagine Greg would

want to see something quite violent.

Yeah.

So our opening thing is, it goes...

SHE VOCALISES

Oh, no. Oh, no.

SHE VOCALISES

What about if it's, uh... Shorter.

LAUGHTER

You-you've not really run with my stool idea.

No, I still...I haven't even written it down.

Guess the age to win the wage, take to the stage.

Oh, yes!

# Guess the age Take to the stage #

Oh, I love it! Oh, that's great.

Feel the...

..w...rage the...

..m...uh, lage, mage, cage. Of the wage.

Fage, beige.

Right, what about something like, uh,

ESP or something like, it's just people who like,

you know, might sit in front of

one of those things that just drop lots of ping-pong balls

and they have to try and get it into a certain shape using their mind.

Right. It's either that or coming on with your stool.

I know I keep coming back to this, but I think Greg would love that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I just want to make sure I've 100% heard correctly.

Steve's suggestion, uh,

is of a game show where contestants root through each other's shit?

Nick didn't wanna do it. I mean, he... No, no way.

Did he not?

He kept pushing for it.

So I'm presuming he won. I don't know.

Oh, yeah, we did it, yeah, yeah.

Um, this team seemed a bit more democratic.

I think I got a bit hung up on the theme tune, didn't I?

I hope you've included some of those great rhymes like

lage, mage and fage. LAUGHTER

Right, shall we do it? Let's do it.

It's the game show you most want to commission.

First up, we know there'll be a keyboard involved.

It's the team of three.

# Take to the stage to guess the age to win the wage! #

Hey, everyone I'm Chad Whopper

and tonight we're asking the question,

how close to death...are you?

Contestant number one, what's your name?

My name is Lucia D'Lacey

and I'm 25, all the way from bubblin' Dublin.

Bubblin' Dublin.

A round of applause. APPLAUSE

Contestant number two, what's your name?

My name's Alex Horne, I'm 25 as well. And I'm also from Dublin.

Our guest this evening is sitting right here. What's your name, madam?

My name is Champagne Bonanza.

Champagne Bonanza!

Each of our contestants has two questions.

Champagne can only provide yes or no answers.

You may not ask Champagne her age

if you want to win her wage.

# Take to the stage to guess the age to win the wage. #

But as always, our contestants

must lower the goggles

as the mind boggles. Boggles.

Very good. Lucia, what's your first question to Champagne?

Champagne, would you remove your teeth for me, please?

No. No.

Alex.

Do you enjoy the music of Lil Wayne or Lil Nas or that sort of thing?

Oh, yeah. That's a yeah.

It's time for the final question.

Cosmic Rhythm, could we have some tense music?

PRESET TUNE PLAYS

Champagne, hello again.

Would you describe yourself as Gen...

..F?

No. No.

Champagne,

would you still be in the market for a tampon?

Yes.

OK, folks, you've guessed how old.

Are you hot or cold?

# Guessed how old

# Are you hot or cold?

# Ah! #

Lucia, what's your age?

My guess is that Champagne is a fizzy 29.

A fizzy 29.

Alex Horne.

I think Champagne is a sparkly 25.

A sparkly 25.

Drum roll, please.

Champagne Bonanza, can you please reveal your age?

I'm 39. 39!

We have a winner.

Lucia D'Lacey, you walk away with Champagne's wage.

Thank you.

# Guess the age to win the wage Take to the stage

# Guess the age to win the wage Take to the stage. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How long did they have to do that, half an hour? Yes.

I mean, bloody hell, it's good. Isn't it?

It's like, it's like an actual show.

Yeah. It, it was very shiny floor, but I actually think

it would be quite a good game show, guessing people's age.

Yeah, well, well, I mean, the suggestion of the game show

is you're guessing how long they've got left to live.

Like it was all quite light until you went hard in on,

"Are you still having periods?"

Yeah. Very, it's a very telling answer.

It is. What's going on here?

Ambience. You t... And, and information.

It's just, I sensed it's an American game show,

it's very shiny floor. Hmm.

And then there's some northern version of

the Pet Shop Boys in the corner.

Right, time for our last ad break of the series.

Soon someone will go home with absolutely nothing,

courtesy of Steve Pemberton.

We'll find out if Nick's prediction was correct

and of course we will crown our new series champion.

We'll see you soon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Here we are, then. It's the final part of our final.

Ooh, finally.

And the final task sees head of light entertainment

Greg Davies trying to pick between two short-form

American game-show pitches.

Hey, guys, remember when Steve kept pushing for the stool idea

over and over and over and over again

and Nick was having none of it? Well, here we go.

Welcome back to Poo Do You Think You Are.

I'm joined here with Steve and Alex.

It is time, guys, to trade turds.

Well, I've done a big shit in a box.

LAUGHTER

And you have 30 seconds to go through your poos,

before we get the scoop on the poop.

Now. 30 seconds.

Got chopsticks there. Don't have to eat it.

Don't have to? You don't have to.

Hey, this guy's got an unfair advantage,

being that he's a chef and all.

Well, I don't make the rules, I'm just the host,

and that is time up, Alex. Poo down.

Steve, poo down. OK, so we're gonna go Alex first.

You gotta guess an ingredient starting now.

Grape.

Correct.

Coffee.

Correct.

Maltesers.

Correct.

Lychee fruits.

HORN SQUEAKS

Banana.

Correct.

Caramel ice cream.

HORN SQUEAKS Dang it.

I'll give you honey.

Chocolate sauce.

No.

Will you give me honey? I'll give you honey.

OK. I think that is your time up on that. Hmm.

We have a winner,

and his name is Alex! CHEERING

So, Alex, before you get too excited...

BELL RINGS ..we're gonna get Gabby over here,

who is gonna present the celebrity poop.

Gabby, do you wanna come on and bring the celebrity poop?

Thank you very much Gabby, just pop that down there.

LAUGHTER

OK, so Alex. Mm-hm. Your chance to win...

Ooh. This delicious celebrity poop. OK.

Three guesses to guess whose poop this is.

My first guess is Gwen Stefani. No. No?

No. I get it, I get the reference, I love it.

Hints of many, many children. A ghostly presence?

Exactly. Half... Half a... Yeah.

...half a, not a full Moore, a Demi Moore.

Demi Moore is the correct answer, thank you so much.

I can't believe you got it.

Congratulations, you get to take that home.

You've gotta have...you get to keep this.

You get to keep everything,

everything that was involved in this show,

you've gotta take home with you.

Thank you so much, Alex. And now... Thank you.

Gabby you wanna see him, see him off, or...?

Thanks man. And thank you so much, great stuff.

Congratulations to Alex, thank you so much, Alex,

been a great contestant.

Commiserations to Steve, don't know why he's still here.

I'll see you next week on Poo Do You Think You Are.

Why are you nodding at me like that?

Steve's going, "See?"

You're gonna eat your words. LAUGHING: I'm not.

It's actually a lot better than I remember, to be fair.

The most shocking thing for me about Poo Do You Think You Are,

is that the host clearly does not want to be part of it.

LAUGHTER

Can you tell that?

Oh, and side note, he's dressed as Dracula.

LAUGHTER

There were some good catchphrases, "It's time to trade turds",

"Get the scoop on the poop", "I'll give you honey",

"Poo down", and at one point I said "I've done a big shit in a box",

so there's a few options.

LAUGHTER

Which show would you most like to commission?

I mean who thought this would be the end of the grand final?

LAUGHTER

Who thought this is where we'd arrive?

After all of the trials and tribulations we've been through,

the bonding, the journey,

here we are with two Tupperware boxes of shit.

It's an original idea.

There's not enough original thinkers out there,

but I do think you were probably pipped to the post

by the other team who didn't do something absolutely disgusting.

I think because of the originality

and the heavy pain, I will give them three,

but I will give Lower The Goggles As The Mind Boggles...

That's your favourite catchphrase? ..as my favourite catchphrase.

So it's six points to the team of three,

and three points to the team of two.

There we go, well done, everyone.

APPLAUSE

OK everyone, please make your way to the stage

for the final task of the series.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Greetings.

ALEX: Look at Nick. LAUGHTER

I mean that is a bit... Yeah.

APPLAUSE

It got a round of applause.

Who's reading the final task of the series out?

The smart Steve Pemberton.

Guess the five ingredients of the stool of your neighbour.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Crawl around behind the wall for 20 seconds.

On Greg's command, you must then pop up from behind the wall.

If Greg correctly predicts where you will pop up, you will be eliminated.

Last player correctly predicted wins.

If there is a tie in the final the round is replayed.

Dignity.

OK here we go. First scuttle. WHISTLE BLOWS

And they're off.

LAUGHTER

Five seconds left.

WHISTLE BLOWS Stop scuttling.

OK, so, Greg, where do you think Joanne McNally is?

Joanne McNally has tried to deceive me by remaining in lane one.

OK where do you think John Robins has gone?

John Robins is in lane three.

Nick Mohammed?

He dived toward two...

..so he's in four.

ALEX GASPS

LAUGHTER

Sophie Willan?

Willan's gone right over to two.

And Steve Pemberton?

Steve Pemberton is my age...

..and will not have been bothered

to go more than two squares,

so he's stayed in three.

Three in there with John Robins, you're saying.

OK. Right, then, let's go down the line.

Please pop up, Joanne McNally.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE How'd you do that?!

I knew it!

OK. Please pop up, Sophie Willan.

She survives.

She's had a lovely time down there.

OK, please pop up, John Robins.

GREG: Ah. Oh, he's also survived.

He lives.

And Steve Pemberton, pop up.

GREG: Yes. LAUGHTER

I went all the way over there, and came back again.

Sure you did.

And finally, Nick Mohammed.

Oh.

And my instinct was right, though.

Only three left. Greg, I'm gonna stay in five.

OK, mate.

Round two. WHISTLE BLOWS

Graceful.

Quiet as mice.

WHISTLE BLOWS Where do you think John Robins is?

I don't think he's gone far.

No, well, he can't have, because it's a couple of metres, isn't it?

OK. John's in three. Sophie's in one.

Nick Mohammed? Oh, Nick's trying to Derren Brown me,

and he's wanting me to say five,

but I think he's capable of a double bluff as well.

But he's also capable of being smug enough

to go all the way over to one, so I'm gonna say that.

With Sophie.

If he comes up in five

I'm gonna windmill into the audience with rage.

LAUGHTER

First up, Sophie Willan, please pop up.

And let's see where John Robins is.

Yes...Yes. APPLAUSE

Let's see, has Nick played you? Nick Mohammed.

We have a winner, Mr Nick Mohammed!

APPLAUSE

Please come and join me.

We'll add that to your final scores.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You were good at that.

Well, thank you.

Well, obviously you guessed Joanne and Steve immediately,

so they come joint fourth.

I think they're lucky to get two points each.

Sophie and John joint second, four points each. Lovely.

Nick Mohammed. The full five points. NICK: Yes!

APPLAUSE

Still rock bottom... Oh, yeah.

..of the episode, with a meagre 11 points.

Sophie's never won an episode. She's on 21, she's won the episode!

CHEERS Sophie Willan wins the episode!

Please go up and hold up your hope for humanity.

Final slut drop.

Ooh! Sorry.

Sorry! Didn't mean to do that.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Welcome, welcome to the series champion awards ceremony.

What an achievement it will be for one of them -

and what a total waste of time it was for the others.

Alex Horne, please reveal those final scores.

In last place, and he's been there for a while now,

it's a man who's written something in an envelope.

It's you, Nick. OK.

But you might win 300 quid.

Thank you - yeah, I mean, that's why I'm here.

Can you show them the seal?

Behold the seal.

In last place, it's Nick Mohammed with 131 points.

Is it indeed?

There's another envelope within. Ah.

LAUGHTER

SUSPENSEFUL: Oooh...

GREG GRIMACES

APPLAUSE

Well done, Nick.

300 big ones coming your way in instalments.

LAUGHTER

And so we move up the table by 13 points,

with 144, she won today's episode it's Sophie Willan.

APPLAUSE

We leap up again in third place with 153 points,

he brought in nothing, but he's gone away

with an enormous amount of respect it's Mr Steve Pemberton.

APPLAUSE

With 171 points, in second place, it's Joanne McNally.

APPLAUSE

Over to you.

Our new Taskmaster champion, ladies and gentlemen,

and the owner of this beautiful gilded trophy,

is John Robins!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Congratulations, John.

Thank you very much, Greg.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media