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La Fabrique
www.sous-titres.eu
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Martonius Jackson catches the ball.
He’s running down the sideline and…
3
00:00:43,370 --> 00:00:45,000
Did you see that hit?
4
00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:48,920
Jackson stopped at the forty five,
and he is slow to get up.
5
00:00:49,170 --> 00:00:51,340
That was a great hit.
Remember that at practice.
6
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,800
Jackson took a real shot,
7
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,220
and I’m not sure what he’s doing now,
8
00:00:56,340 --> 00:00:58,680
but it appears as though
he’s looking for his keys.
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00:00:58,930 --> 00:01:00,260
That doesn’t make sense.
10
00:01:00,390 --> 00:01:03,810
Ever since his concussion in ’06,
he doesn’t even have a license.
11
00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:05,850
Coach Martin is coming over
to tell him that,
12
00:01:05,980 --> 00:01:08,940
but Jackson appears to think
he’s in a car, driving home.
13
00:01:09,060 --> 00:01:12,650
During this time out, we’re joined
by the commissioner of the NFL.
14
00:01:12,900 --> 00:01:16,200
Commissioner, a lot of hoopla
about concussions this year.
15
00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:18,070
How is the league handling all that?
16
00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:20,830
There are interesting statistics
coming out,
17
00:01:20,950 --> 00:01:22,700
and we are deeply concerned,
18
00:01:22,830 --> 00:01:25,790
and waiting to see
if there’s any direct correlation
19
00:01:25,910 --> 00:01:27,620
between football
and head trauma.
20
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,840
It looks like some of the NFL alumni
are taking the field now.
21
00:01:31,290 --> 00:01:34,920
There’s all-pro safety Martin Gregors,
and fullback Jim Harris.
22
00:01:35,050 --> 00:01:37,300
Looks like his pants are down
around his ankles.
23
00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:38,800
Somebody should let him know.
24
00:01:38,930 --> 00:01:41,430
And ol’ surehand Mike Taftill.
25
00:01:41,550 --> 00:01:44,270
Who seems to be baking
an imaginary cake.
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00:01:44,810 --> 00:01:48,730
Not sure if that’s meant to be a cake,
or perhaps a loaf of bread,
27
00:01:48,850 --> 00:01:50,940
but he definitely thinks
he’s baking something.
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00:01:51,190 --> 00:01:54,150
I just don’t get football.
Guess that’s why I suck at it.
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00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,490
You don’t suck at football,
you suck at all sports.
30
00:01:56,610 --> 00:01:57,490
That’s true!
31
00:01:57,610 --> 00:02:00,820
Eric tells me I should work
at a Thai massage parlor.
32
00:02:00,950 --> 00:02:01,740
Right.
33
00:02:01,910 --> 00:02:04,910
And with that, the Browns are ready
to kick it off back to the Broncos.
34
00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:08,210
Here you go, boys.
Watch them on the kickoff.
35
00:02:08,330 --> 00:02:10,380
Special teams
are the most important plays.
36
00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:11,960
We don’t have kickoffs anymore.
37
00:02:13,710 --> 00:02:16,880
The school said they’re dangerous.
They don’t have us do them anymore.
38
00:02:17,970 --> 00:02:19,680
Wait…
39
00:02:21,140 --> 00:02:23,050
What the fuck?
40
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:29,350
Before we get started,
are there any outstanding issues?
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00:02:29,980 --> 00:02:32,270
I’d like to talk
about this genius new rule
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00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,650
in the football program
about no kickoffs.
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00:02:35,650 --> 00:02:39,820
We’ve decided to go without kickoffs
because of concussion concerns.
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00:02:40,860 --> 00:02:43,950
We don’t our kids
getting hurt playing football!
45
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,540
But I think I have a way
to make it even better.
46
00:02:46,660 --> 00:02:49,290
Why don’t we have the players
just wear bras?
47
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:50,920
Bras?
48
00:02:51,540 --> 00:02:53,250
The players should all wear bras.
49
00:02:53,380 --> 00:02:56,050
And instead of helmets,
they should wear little tin foil hats.
50
00:02:56,170 --> 00:02:59,720
Because “it’s the future,”
and we shouldn’t be so barbaric!
51
00:03:00,930 --> 00:03:03,470
How would the bras and tinfoil hats
make it safer?
52
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,100
You’re not getting it!
53
00:03:05,220 --> 00:03:08,390
While we’re at it,
we’ll have a balloon instead of a ball.
54
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,100
And whoever catches the balloon
55
00:03:10,230 --> 00:03:12,980
tries to run
while all the other players hug!
56
00:03:14,900 --> 00:03:16,730
You think the students
would like that?
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00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,400
They’d love it!
58
00:03:18,530 --> 00:03:20,740
A sport where safety
is all that matters?
59
00:03:20,860 --> 00:03:23,450
How about we call it sarcastaball!
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00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:29,580
Would you mind being the coach
of the South Park sarcastaball team?
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00:03:29,870 --> 00:03:31,250
Jesus Christ!
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00:03:31,750 --> 00:03:35,500
I would love to be the coach
of the sarcastaball team!
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00:03:44,890 --> 00:03:46,390
Do we really have to wear bras?
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00:03:47,180 --> 00:03:48,810
This is what people want!
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00:03:48,930 --> 00:03:51,020
Don’t worry, you look really cool.
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00:03:51,270 --> 00:03:53,730
I got the balloon.
What should I do with it?
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00:03:54,060 --> 00:03:57,980
You know, get it into the end zone,
but be really polite about it!
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00:03:59,650 --> 00:04:01,490
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
69
00:04:01,610 --> 00:04:02,990
You guys look terrific.
70
00:04:03,570 --> 00:04:04,780
This game is great!
71
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:07,700
How’s it going, coach?
72
00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:09,620
How’s it going?
Awesome!
73
00:04:09,740 --> 00:04:12,710
Nobody’s getting hurt, and the kids
are learning valuable life lessons,
74
00:04:12,830 --> 00:04:16,080
’cause hugging and safety
is what the world is all about!
75
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,590
So, you’re happy with these changes?
76
00:04:20,710 --> 00:04:22,300
Happy?
I’m thrilled!
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00:04:22,420 --> 00:04:24,300
Look at how much better this is!
78
00:04:29,260 --> 00:04:31,470
Is football safe for your kids?
79
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:34,100
Concerned parent
Randy Marsh, says no,
80
00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:36,600
and has started a movement
to reform the sport,
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00:04:36,730 --> 00:04:38,610
gathering followers by the hundreds.
82
00:04:39,610 --> 00:04:40,650
This is good.
83
00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:43,190
Nice for you all
to turn out in record numbers
84
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:46,280
to show your support
for sarcastaball!
85
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:53,500
We’re through with our kids
getting knocked and tackled.
86
00:04:53,620 --> 00:04:57,500
Let’s make sarcastaball
the official school sport nationwide!
87
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,960
Go on!
Pat yourselves on the back!
88
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,970
Showing just how much
one concerned parent can do,
89
00:05:07,590 --> 00:05:10,810
Marsh then found himself
in front of the leaders of Washington.
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00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:12,680
Let’s do that!
91
00:05:12,810 --> 00:05:16,140
We got an economy in the toilet,
a big election coming up,
92
00:05:16,270 --> 00:05:18,980
but this country’s
number one priority
93
00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:21,860
should be making football safer!
94
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:32,620
This is ridiculous!
95
00:05:32,740 --> 00:05:35,370
Are we really going
to play North Park like this?
96
00:05:35,540 --> 00:05:39,500
I can’t remember if we’re supposed
to hug or compliment the fullback.
97
00:05:39,750 --> 00:05:44,130
I have no idea how to go out on a field
and be as nice as I can.
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00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:45,760
You know what, screw this!
99
00:05:47,220 --> 00:05:48,970
I can’t believe what I’m hearing!
100
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:54,180
We’ve been getting ready for this game,
and you just wanna quit?
101
00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:56,680
We don’t even understand
how this game is played!
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00:05:56,850 --> 00:05:59,100
This great game isn’t about plays,
103
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:02,190
it’s about sportsmanship
and compassion.
104
00:06:02,610 --> 00:06:04,320
When I look around this locker room,
105
00:06:04,570 --> 00:06:05,900
I see some of the nicest,
106
00:06:06,030 --> 00:06:07,990
most compassionate guys
I’ve ever met.
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00:06:08,530 --> 00:06:10,950
Token, you’re nicer
than anybody I now.
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00:06:11,410 --> 00:06:14,410
And Clyde, you give better hugs
than anyone out on that field.
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True.
110
00:06:16,790 --> 00:06:19,170
Are we gonna let North Park
walk away with a victory,
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00:06:19,290 --> 00:06:21,290
because we think
they know how to be nicer?
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00:06:22,210 --> 00:06:24,300
Being nice
is about what’s inside you.
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00:06:24,420 --> 00:06:27,550
When your enemy is nice to you,
you just be nice right back.
114
00:06:28,010 --> 00:06:30,340
If they give you two balloons,
you give them three!
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00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:35,140
And when they thank you
for those balloons, you say,
116
00:06:35,260 --> 00:06:38,020
“I don’t need any thanks.
It was the right thing to do!”
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00:06:38,140 --> 00:06:39,270
Then you smile!
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00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:44,070
When that other team comes at you,
you gotta reach deep down,
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00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,150
right down to your creamy center.
120
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:50,030
That place inside you
where all the gooey loving goo sits.
121
00:06:50,150 --> 00:06:54,120
You gotta use that to be the nicest,
most compassionate player,
122
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:57,660
and let the world know
that we will not go down so easy!
123
00:07:00,210 --> 00:07:01,210
Let’s do this.
124
00:07:02,420 --> 00:07:03,670
Hook up my bra.
125
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,710
As commissioner of the NFL,
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00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:08,970
I am so thrilled
to see our nations youth
127
00:07:09,090 --> 00:07:12,090
embrace sarcastaball
over traditional football.
128
00:07:12,550 --> 00:07:13,890
But why stop there?
129
00:07:14,010 --> 00:07:17,890
Since football is so barbaric,
we should change too!
130
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:22,560
So let’s give a big welcome
to the new coach of the Broncos,
131
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Randy Marsh!
132
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,240
Congratulations, Marsh.
Good job!
133
00:07:29,690 --> 00:07:33,030
Thank you,
I’m thrilled to be a part of this!
134
00:07:33,530 --> 00:07:34,700
Nice going.
135
00:07:35,410 --> 00:07:36,910
You, nice going.
136
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:41,660
How about a nice fucking picture
to welcome in the future of sports?
137
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,840
Welcome to the inaugural game
of the national sarcastaball league!
138
00:07:47,250 --> 00:07:50,550
As we bring you today’s match up
between the Denver Broncos
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00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,010
and the Oakland Raiders.
140
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:55,430
Looking good.
Let’s kick some butt!
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00:07:55,550 --> 00:07:57,220
Give them hell, coach!
142
00:07:57,350 --> 00:07:59,220
Loving, not shoving!
143
00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:00,560
Good one!
144
00:08:01,930 --> 00:08:05,560
Now, here are your Denver
whoop dee fucking doo girls!
145
00:08:08,820 --> 00:08:10,650
Go, Broncos. Go.
146
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:13,400
Whoop dee fucking doo!
147
00:08:13,530 --> 00:08:16,030
And now, here to sing
the sarcastaball anthem,
148
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,200
recording artist, Cee Lo!
149
00:08:18,330 --> 00:08:21,540
I love sarcastaball
150
00:08:21,790 --> 00:08:25,670
It’s so much better than football
151
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:29,920
I’m so glad
they got rid of violence in sports
152
00:08:30,050 --> 00:08:33,800
’Cause sarcastaball
is so super fun to watch
153
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,090
Nice job, Cee Lo!
154
00:08:36,220 --> 00:08:38,430
Good to see you on TV some more!
155
00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:41,770
I’m a big fan of all your hit songs!
156
00:08:43,020 --> 00:08:44,730
What do you mean,
we don’t have a coach?
157
00:08:44,850 --> 00:08:48,230
I’m sorry, my dad said
he’s too busy with the Broncos.
158
00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,230
Our big game with Lakewood
is Saturday!
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00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:54,150
He’s taking professional sarcastaball
really seriously!
160
00:08:55,490 --> 00:08:58,120
We might as well call up Lakewood
and tell them we forfeit.
161
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,700
– We can’t!
– We don’t have a coach.
162
00:09:00,830 --> 00:09:03,080
Who needs a coach?
We have Butters.
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00:09:04,750 --> 00:09:07,710
The guys are right.
From now on, you’re team captain.
164
00:09:07,830 --> 00:09:09,210
You lead us to victory.
165
00:09:09,710 --> 00:09:11,800
Jeez, I don’t know.
166
00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,590
You understand this game.
167
00:09:13,710 --> 00:09:17,050
But I can’t be team captain,
I suck at everything.
168
00:09:17,180 --> 00:09:18,340
Not at this.
169
00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:20,470
What about that creamy filling
you talked about?
170
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:24,020
That gooey goodness inside you
that makes you the Butters we know?
171
00:09:24,890 --> 00:09:27,520
That’s in there.
It’s overflowing sometimes.
172
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:28,850
We need you.
173
00:09:29,190 --> 00:09:30,520
You’re the man.
174
00:09:43,490 --> 00:09:44,750
I love you, Butters!
175
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,750
Love you too, ladies.
176
00:09:48,580 --> 00:09:51,090
You now how I feel
about the captain of sports teams.
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00:09:51,210 --> 00:09:53,000
Leave him alone, he’s mine!
178
00:10:02,180 --> 00:10:03,180
Dad!
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00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:04,810
It happened again.
180
00:10:06,310 --> 00:10:08,140
More of my creamy goo came out.
181
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,230
That’s OK.
Remember what we talked about.
182
00:10:12,650 --> 00:10:17,030
Sometimes, our happy creamy filling
just gets so full it comes out at night.
183
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,030
I was having happy dreams
about a girl…
184
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:22,450
All right, it’s happy feelings.
Let’s just not talk about it.
185
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:23,580
OK!
186
00:10:27,830 --> 00:10:29,870
Save that for later!
187
00:10:33,290 --> 00:10:37,210
The score is zero to zero,
as the Steelers kick off to the Broncos.
188
00:10:38,420 --> 00:10:40,470
Go, Broncos. Go.
189
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,800
Manning has the ball.
190
00:10:41,930 --> 00:10:44,470
He’s saying some really great things
about the other team.
191
00:10:44,930 --> 00:10:48,980
Manning met by LaMarr Woodley…
He’s giving the balloon to Woodley!
192
00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:50,270
The referee comes in.
193
00:10:51,060 --> 00:10:53,110
The referee
is calling that a touchdown!
194
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:56,150
Wait, another official
is signaling that’s a safety.
195
00:10:56,860 --> 00:10:58,740
Nice going, replacement refs!
196
00:10:59,030 --> 00:11:01,320
They’ll have to sort this one out
with the side judge.
197
00:11:02,530 --> 00:11:04,410
Fuck it, it’s a fucking field goal!
198
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:11,290
Three to nothing victory
over the Steelers.
199
00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:13,380
You must feel like a real winner.
200
00:11:14,210 --> 00:11:17,510
The other team was just so awesome
on offense I was really scared.
201
00:11:17,670 --> 00:11:19,090
Coach Belichick says,
202
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:21,010
“No way we can beat the Broncos.
203
00:11:21,130 --> 00:11:23,430
“They’ve had the same coach
for almost a day.”
204
00:11:23,970 --> 00:11:26,010
I’m just the guy
who invented sarcastaball.
205
00:11:26,140 --> 00:11:27,720
No way I know how to coach it!
206
00:11:27,890 --> 00:11:29,600
Guess we’ll find out on Sunday.
207
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:34,690
Listen up.
208
00:11:34,810 --> 00:11:37,360
Forget about the day off.
We need to practice tomorrow.
209
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:41,570
Practice on Monday after a victory?
Great!
210
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:43,700
That’s good, Peyton,
but we need to get better.
211
00:11:43,990 --> 00:11:47,200
Practice on Monday?
That’s just what I wanna do!
212
00:11:47,450 --> 00:11:48,450
That’s it!
213
00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:53,080
– You got a minute?
– Sure!
214
00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:56,090
I don’t know what to do.
215
00:11:56,540 --> 00:12:00,170
Kids are starting to make fun of me,
because I’m no good at sarcastaball.
216
00:12:01,050 --> 00:12:02,680
I suck at being nice and polite.
217
00:12:03,260 --> 00:12:06,720
I’m so good at sucking
I should work at a Thai massage parlor.
218
00:12:09,220 --> 00:12:10,390
You’re a great player.
219
00:12:10,930 --> 00:12:13,060
I don’t have the mojo you have.
220
00:12:14,230 --> 00:12:17,570
I told you, everyone has
a creamy filling inside them,
221
00:12:17,690 --> 00:12:20,570
where all the feelings
of compassion and joy come from.
222
00:12:20,820 --> 00:12:22,490
Didn’t your dad ever tell you that?
223
00:12:22,860 --> 00:12:25,490
– I don’t have a dad.
– Right, I’m sorry.
224
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,740
Everyone has a creamy filling.
225
00:12:28,870 --> 00:12:31,040
And some people
have so much of that feeling
226
00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:32,580
that it comes out sometimes.
227
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:34,370
A lot of times, when I go to sleep,
228
00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:37,710
if I’m having wonderful dreams
that make me feel really good,
229
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,090
sometimes, I wake up.
230
00:12:39,210 --> 00:12:42,050
And when I wake up,
I realize some of my goo has come out.
231
00:12:42,170 --> 00:12:43,590
There’s a lot this time!
232
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,340
But I always make sure I keep it,
233
00:12:45,470 --> 00:12:48,430
just in case I ever run out
of all my happy sunshine feelings.
234
00:12:49,350 --> 00:12:50,430
You save it all?
235
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:56,310
My goo doesn’t come out every night,
but I sure have a surplus of it.
236
00:12:59,110 --> 00:13:01,190
Do you think your goo
might work on someone else?
237
00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:03,860
I don’t know.
I never really thought of it that way.
238
00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:13,750
It’s kind of a grapey,
bleachy flavor.
239
00:13:13,870 --> 00:13:15,540
Do you feel warm and compassionate?
240
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,290
Holy shit, I think I do.
241
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:24,760
Welcome back to Rome.
We’re gonna talk some sarcastaball.
242
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:25,840
I can’t wait.
243
00:13:25,970 --> 00:13:29,010
I can’t wait to talk sarcastaball,
because it’s really compelling.
244
00:13:29,140 --> 00:13:33,520
Joining me is the coach of the Broncos
and the inventor of sarcastaball.
245
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:36,440
Thanks for calling in.
Really happy to have you on the show.
246
00:13:36,810 --> 00:13:38,650
It’s awesome to be on your show.
247
00:13:39,060 --> 00:13:41,400
First off, thanks for taking a sport
that we all love,
248
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:44,030
and turning it
into a sarcastic nightmare.
249
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:46,860
It’s totally what I intended.
250
00:13:46,990 --> 00:13:50,320
When I came up with the idea,
I was sure it would end up like this.
251
00:13:50,490 --> 00:13:52,240
It certainly makes
for an exciting game.
252
00:13:52,370 --> 00:13:55,200
How about last night’s nail biter
that ended zero to zero?
253
00:13:55,330 --> 00:13:59,080
A game I wanna watch twice.
A game I wanna watch four times.
254
00:13:59,210 --> 00:14:02,040
Check that,
I’ll watch that game five times.
255
00:14:02,340 --> 00:14:05,920
On Sunday, it will be another game
that I could watch twelve times.
256
00:14:06,050 --> 00:14:08,180
Check that, thirteen times.
257
00:14:13,510 --> 00:14:15,770
Aren’t you gonna
come join your family for dinner?
258
00:14:16,350 --> 00:14:18,140
I’ve totally got time to do that.
259
00:14:18,270 --> 00:14:21,230
In fact, how about I go make
a four-course meal for all of you?
260
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,070
Check that, a seven-course meal.
261
00:14:23,820 --> 00:14:25,440
Something’s happened.
262
00:14:25,570 --> 00:14:28,110
Are you unable
to stop being sarcastic?
263
00:14:28,700 --> 00:14:30,990
Right, I can’t stop
being sarcastic now.
264
00:14:31,990 --> 00:14:33,200
I’m telling you,
265
00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:36,120
I think this sport is doing
something to your brain.
266
00:14:36,410 --> 00:14:38,160
Right, it’s doing something
to my brain,
267
00:14:38,290 --> 00:14:40,370
and now,
I can’t stop being sarcastic.
268
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:43,380
Do you mean that?
269
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,340
I totally mean it.
270
00:14:47,170 --> 00:14:48,300
Help me, Sharon.
271
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:49,760
Help me.
272
00:14:53,470 --> 00:14:56,930
First string, cover those wideouts!
Tell them you like their outfits!
273
00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:00,770
Hug those two players
and give their quarterback a kiss!
274
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,610
– You idiot!
– Stay positive!
275
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,490
All right, cuddle up!
276
00:15:11,610 --> 00:15:13,160
What is going on out there?
277
00:15:13,410 --> 00:15:16,490
That kid is provoking us.
He’s saying mean things to piss us off!
278
00:15:17,370 --> 00:15:18,910
We need more of your mojo.
279
00:15:19,540 --> 00:15:21,290
All right, here you go.
280
00:15:36,180 --> 00:15:37,350
I’m sorry,
281
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:39,520
but there appears
to be permanent damage.
282
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:44,020
This is great.
My week just keeps getting better.
283
00:15:44,150 --> 00:15:45,900
How do we fix this?
284
00:15:46,570 --> 00:15:48,030
You don’t.
I’m sorry.
285
00:15:48,150 --> 00:15:51,650
There just isn’t enough research
in how sarcasm affects the brain.
286
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,410
So, that’s it.
287
00:15:54,110 --> 00:15:57,280
I should just go home and forget
about what this sport has done to me.
288
00:15:57,410 --> 00:16:00,200
Let thousands of people
play sarcastaball and get hurt too.
289
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:05,920
Really, you think there’s a correlation
between sarcasm and sarcastaball?
290
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:07,710
That’s fascinating.
Please go on.
291
00:16:09,170 --> 00:16:12,010
Sarcastaball
has nothing to do with it…
292
00:16:12,590 --> 00:16:16,350
I just really enjoy being sarcastic,
and so I must be finding an excuse.
293
00:16:16,970 --> 00:16:20,350
You know, I have a fifty-year old
Alzheimer’s patient in the waiting room
294
00:16:20,470 --> 00:16:22,020
who can’t even remember his family,
295
00:16:22,140 --> 00:16:23,730
but let’s forget about him
296
00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:27,520
and focus on how sarcastaball
might be damaging people’s brains.
297
00:16:27,690 --> 00:16:30,320
My son is out there
playing that game.
298
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:33,820
It’s heartwarming to see
such high regard for his safety!
299
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:36,200
I’ve got a better idea.
300
00:16:36,530 --> 00:16:39,990
Let’s get all the funding
for cancer and genetic diseases,
301
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:43,000
let’s take all that money
and make commercials that say,
302
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:47,000
“Hey, America, sarcasm might not be
such a great thing for your brain.”
303
00:16:48,130 --> 00:16:50,630
Thank you, doctor.
Thank you so much!
304
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:57,430
Jim Rome here.
305
00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,220
I love sarcastaball
just as much as the next guy.
306
00:17:00,350 --> 00:17:02,020
But sometimes, it’s so thrilling
307
00:17:02,140 --> 00:17:04,690
I need an extra burst of energy
to get me through a game.
308
00:17:04,810 --> 00:17:06,310
That’s why I drink this.
309
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:08,400
Butters’ Creamy Goo.
310
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:09,650
You play hard.
311
00:17:09,770 --> 00:17:12,070
You need a sports drink
that gives you extra boost.
312
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,360
Sports these days
are all about being nice.
313
00:17:14,530 --> 00:17:17,610
So take your game to the next level
with Butters’ Creamy Goo.
314
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,030
You’ll be filled
with feelings of good tidings
315
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:21,740
and be nicer than a ray of sunshine.
316
00:17:21,870 --> 00:17:22,660
Like me!
317
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,620
Get with it, and get the goo.
318
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:28,420
Butters’ Creamy Goo is chock-full
of all the essentials an athlete needs.
319
00:17:28,540 --> 00:17:30,210
Cummitment!
Cumpassion!
320
00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:31,500
And cumradery!
321
00:17:31,630 --> 00:17:33,260
And now,
it’s available in quart size.
322
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,800
When I get hot and tired, only one thing
can boost my compassion.
323
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:42,890
I’m back in the game!
324
00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:45,140
Go and chug a bottle
of Butters’ Creamy Goo.
325
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:46,940
Best served lukewarm.
326
00:17:48,310 --> 00:17:49,310
42!
327
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:50,360
Red 13!
328
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:53,230
Sunshine and happy thoughts!
329
00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,530
He’s gonna intercept it!
330
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:02,030
Good job!
331
00:18:06,500 --> 00:18:07,460
Get in the car.
332
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:09,830
– We’re going home.
– What?
333
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:10,960
Sorry, Stanley,
334
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,750
we don’t want you playing any more.
335
00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:15,340
Get off the field, m’kay!
336
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:17,260
Everyone, listen.
337
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:20,720
There’s something you need to know
about sarcastaball.
338
00:18:21,470 --> 00:18:24,310
It turns out it’s totally safe.
339
00:18:25,140 --> 00:18:26,430
It’s super safe.
340
00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:29,650
It’s like so safe
we should have every kid play it…
341
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:33,230
Sorry, hang on.
Gotta not be so sarcastic.
342
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,070
Let me try again.
343
00:18:35,780 --> 00:18:36,860
Listen, everyone,
344
00:18:37,690 --> 00:18:40,320
if you let your kids
play sarcastaball,
345
00:18:40,450 --> 00:18:42,620
you’re a fucking genius.
346
00:18:43,660 --> 00:18:44,620
Cut, sorry.
347
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:45,790
Try this again.
348
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,160
Look, what I’m trying to say is,
349
00:18:49,290 --> 00:18:51,630
we should have
like ten sarcastaball leagues,
350
00:18:51,750 --> 00:18:54,250
because then everyone…
Goddammit!
351
00:18:54,420 --> 00:18:56,380
Stanley, get your things and come on.
352
00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:59,090
– We’re going home.
– You can’t tell me what to do!
353
00:18:59,420 --> 00:19:01,590
We’re your parents,
we can’t tell you what to do.
354
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:04,220
Don’t you see what this sport
has done to your father?
355
00:19:04,350 --> 00:19:05,760
Do you want to end up like him?
356
00:19:05,890 --> 00:19:08,350
Right, like he doesn’t
exaggerate every disease he gets.
357
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:10,810
It’s happening!
358
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,270
Mr. Marsh, listen,
359
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,110
I know you care about your son,
360
00:19:16,230 --> 00:19:17,780
but he’s a heck of a player.
361
00:19:18,150 --> 00:19:20,610
He’s good at tickling,
laughing, and getting along.
362
00:19:20,990 --> 00:19:22,950
Look, the point has been made, OK?
363
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,950
I’m warning you
being this sarcastic is dangerous.
364
00:19:26,330 --> 00:19:28,000
We’re not being sarcastic, Dad!
365
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:32,080
Is it so hard to believe
we really enjoy a non-violent sport?
366
00:19:32,210 --> 00:19:33,500
Is it hard to believe
367
00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:36,420
when Butters says competitiveness
can be compassionate,
368
00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:37,960
he’s being completely sincere?
369
00:19:39,210 --> 00:19:41,680
I don’t see how anyone could play
this game with any sincerity.
370
00:19:42,010 --> 00:19:44,510
That’s because you’re too grumpy
and negative to believe it.
371
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:48,020
You need a sports drink that can boost
your levels of caring and goodness.
372
00:19:49,390 --> 00:19:50,310
You need this.
373
00:19:59,110 --> 00:20:00,190
This is cum.
374
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:07,160
And you can just sit here in your room
and think about what you’ve done.
375
00:20:07,870 --> 00:20:10,500
Just because people try
and make football a little safer
376
00:20:10,620 --> 00:20:12,290
by changing a kickoff rule,
377
00:20:12,410 --> 00:20:14,460
doesn’t mean you need take it to,
378
00:20:14,580 --> 00:20:16,920
“Oh, why don’t we just drink
each other’s cum?”
379
00:20:17,090 --> 00:20:19,170
Sarcasm like that is homophobic,
380
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:22,220
chauvinistic and completely
lacking in maturity!
381
00:20:22,470 --> 00:20:23,510
Any questions?
382
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:26,850
What’s sarcasm and what’s cum?
383
00:20:27,550 --> 00:20:29,770
– You’ll know when you’re older.
– Come on, everybody,
384
00:20:29,890 --> 00:20:32,560
let’s work on that kickoff change
and get back to some football.
385
00:20:42,030 --> 00:20:43,150
Welcome back to Rome.
386
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,240
You might have seen me
on TV last night.
387
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:47,370
Turns out the drink I endorsed
was semen.
388
00:20:47,490 --> 00:20:49,990
Turns out a little kid
was just being sarcastic.
389
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:51,700
He’s probably grounded for a month.
390
00:20:51,830 --> 00:20:54,160
Check that, I’m sure
he’s grounded for two months.
391
00:20:54,460 --> 00:20:55,290
And a week.
392
00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:57,420
Football needs to be made safer,
393
00:20:57,540 --> 00:21:00,380
so why don’t we have players
in bras drinking semen?
394
00:21:00,750 --> 00:21:02,340
That’s a fastball right there.
395
00:21:02,460 --> 00:21:05,300
That’s a real stroke
of philosophic genius.
396
00:21:05,590 --> 00:21:09,510
War little kids drinking semen
to finally bring back real football,
397
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,470
and I don’t know what else to say
but so long sarcastaball,
398
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:13,890
it was nice knowing you.
399
00:21:14,020 --> 00:21:16,270
Let’s just hope nothing like this
ever happens again.
400
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,690
Probably won’t.
Not for another year.
401
00:21:18,810 --> 00:21:20,440
Check that, a couple days.
402
00:21:22,690 --> 00:21:23,690
Dad!
403
00:21:25,780 --> 00:21:27,780
My wiener’s all stiff and pointy.
404
00:21:30,620 --> 00:21:32,290
That’s just a friendly compass.
405
00:21:32,410 --> 00:21:34,040
Whenever you have friends
in the area,
406
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,210
your little compass
tells you where they are.
407
00:21:37,170 --> 00:21:39,540
It’s pointing up,
because Jesus is your friend.
408
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:41,040
Thanks, Dad.
30902
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