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Martonius Jackson catches the ball. He’s running down the sideline and…

Did you see that hit?

Jackson stopped at the forty five, and he is slow to get up.

That was a great hit. Remember that at practice.

Jackson took a real shot,

and I’m not sure what he’s doing now,

but it appears as though he’s looking for his keys.

That doesn’t make sense.

Ever since his concussion in ’06, he doesn’t even have a license.

Coach Martin is coming over to tell him that,

but Jackson appears to think he’s in a car, driving home.

During this time out, we’re joined by the commissioner of the NFL.

Commissioner, a lot of hoopla about concussions this year.

How is the league handling all that?

There are interesting statistics coming out,

and we are deeply concerned,

and waiting to see if there’s any direct correlation

between football and head trauma.

It looks like some of the NFL alumni are taking the field now.

There’s all-pro safety Martin Gregors, and fullback Jim Harris.

Looks like his pants are down around his ankles.

Somebody should let him know.

And ol’ surehand Mike Taftill.

Who seems to be baking an imaginary cake.

Not sure if that’s meant to be a cake, or perhaps a loaf of bread,

but he definitely thinks he’s baking something.

I just don’t get football. Guess that’s why I suck at it.

You don’t suck at football, you suck at all sports.

That’s true!

Eric tells me I should work at a Thai massage parlor.

Right.

And with that, the Browns are ready to kick it off back to the Broncos.

Here you go, boys. Watch them on the kickoff.

Special teams are the most important plays.

We don’t have kickoffs anymore.

The school said they’re dangerous. They don’t have us do them anymore.

Wait…

What the fuck?

Before we get started, are there any outstanding issues?

I’d like to talk about this genius new rule

in the football program about no kickoffs.

We’ve decided to go without kickoffs because of concussion concerns.

We don’t our kids getting hurt playing football!

But I think I have a way to make it even better.

Why don’t we have the players just wear bras?

Bras?

The players should all wear bras.

And instead of helmets, they should wear little tin foil hats.

Because “it’s the future,” and we shouldn’t be so barbaric!

How would the bras and tinfoil hats make it safer?

You’re not getting it!

While we’re at it, we’ll have a balloon instead of a ball.

And whoever catches the balloon

tries to run while all the other players hug!

You think the students would like that?

They’d love it!

A sport where safety is all that matters?

How about we call it sarcastaball!

Would you mind being the coach of the South Park sarcastaball team?

Jesus Christ!

I would love to be the coach of the sarcastaball team!

Do we really have to wear bras?

This is what people want!

Don’t worry, you look really cool.

I got the balloon. What should I do with it?

You know, get it into the end zone, but be really polite about it!

Excuse me. Pardon me.

You guys look terrific.

This game is great!

How’s it going, coach?

How’s it going? Awesome!

Nobody’s getting hurt, and the kids are learning valuable life lessons,

’cause hugging and safety is what the world is all about!

So, you’re happy with these changes?

Happy? I’m thrilled!

Look at how much better this is!

Is football safe for your kids?

Concerned parent Randy Marsh, says no,

and has started a movement to reform the sport,

gathering followers by the hundreds.

This is good.

Nice for you all to turn out in record numbers

to show your support for sarcastaball!

We’re through with our kids getting knocked and tackled.

Let’s make sarcastaball the official school sport nationwide!

Go on! Pat yourselves on the back!

Showing just how much one concerned parent can do,

Marsh then found himself in front of the leaders of Washington.

Let’s do that!

We got an economy in the toilet, a big election coming up,

but this country’s number one priority

should be making football safer!

This is ridiculous!

Are we really going to play North Park like this?

I can’t remember if we’re supposed to hug or compliment the fullback.

I have no idea how to go out on a field and be as nice as I can.

You know what, screw this!

I can’t believe what I’m hearing!

We’ve been getting ready for this game, and you just wanna quit?

We don’t even understand how this game is played!

This great game isn’t about plays,

it’s about sportsmanship and compassion.

When I look around this locker room,

I see some of the nicest,

most compassionate guys I’ve ever met.

Token, you’re nicer than anybody I now.

And Clyde, you give better hugs than anyone out on that field.

True.

Are we gonna let North Park walk away with a victory,

because we think they know how to be nicer?

Being nice is about what’s inside you.

When your enemy is nice to you, you just be nice right back.

If they give you two balloons, you give them three!

And when they thank you for those balloons, you say,

“I don’t need any thanks. It was the right thing to do!”

Then you smile!

When that other team comes at you, you gotta reach deep down,

right down to your creamy center.

That place inside you where all the gooey loving goo sits.

You gotta use that to be the nicest, most compassionate player,

and let the world know that we will not go down so easy!

Let’s do this.

Hook up my bra.

As commissioner of the NFL,

I am so thrilled to see our nations youth

embrace sarcastaball over traditional football.

But why stop there?

Since football is so barbaric, we should change too!

So let’s give a big welcome to the new coach of the Broncos,

Randy Marsh!

Congratulations, Marsh. Good job!

Thank you, I’m thrilled to be a part of this!

Nice going.

You, nice going.

How about a nice fucking picture to welcome in the future of sports?

Welcome to the inaugural game of the national sarcastaball league!

As we bring you today’s match up between the Denver Broncos

and the Oakland Raiders.

Looking good. Let’s kick some butt!

Give them hell, coach!

Loving, not shoving!

Good one!

Now, here are your Denver whoop dee fucking doo girls!

Go, Broncos. Go.

Whoop dee fucking doo!

And now, here to sing the sarcastaball anthem,

recording artist, Cee Lo!

I love sarcastaball

It’s so much better than football

I’m so glad they got rid of violence in sports

’Cause sarcastaball is so super fun to watch

Nice job, Cee Lo!

Good to see you on TV some more!

I’m a big fan of all your hit songs!

What do you mean, we don’t have a coach?

I’m sorry, my dad said he’s too busy with the Broncos.

Our big game with Lakewood is Saturday!

He’s taking professional sarcastaball really seriously!

We might as well call up Lakewood and tell them we forfeit.

– We can’t! – We don’t have a coach.

Who needs a coach? We have Butters.

The guys are right. From now on, you’re team captain.

You lead us to victory.

Jeez, I don’t know.

You understand this game.

But I can’t be team captain, I suck at everything.

Not at this.

What about that creamy filling you talked about?

That gooey goodness inside you that makes you the Butters we know?

That’s in there. It’s overflowing sometimes.

We need you.

You’re the man.

I love you, Butters!

Love you too, ladies.

You now how I feel about the captain of sports teams.

Leave him alone, he’s mine!

Dad!

It happened again.

More of my creamy goo came out.

That’s OK. Remember what we talked about.

Sometimes, our happy creamy filling just gets so full it comes out at night.

I was having happy dreams about a girl…

All right, it’s happy feelings. Let’s just not talk about it.

OK!

Save that for later!

The score is zero to zero, as the Steelers kick off to the Broncos.

Go, Broncos. Go.

Manning has the ball.

He’s saying some really great things about the other team.

Manning met by LaMarr Woodley… He’s giving the balloon to Woodley!

The referee comes in.

The referee is calling that a touchdown!

Wait, another official is signaling that’s a safety.

Nice going, replacement refs!

They’ll have to sort this one out with the side judge.

Fuck it, it’s a fucking field goal!

Three to nothing victory over the Steelers.

You must feel like a real winner.

The other team was just so awesome on offense I was really scared.

Coach Belichick says,

“No way we can beat the Broncos.

“They’ve had the same coach for almost a day.”

I’m just the guy who invented sarcastaball.

No way I know how to coach it!

Guess we’ll find out on Sunday.

Listen up.

Forget about the day off. We need to practice tomorrow.

Practice on Monday after a victory? Great!

That’s good, Peyton, but we need to get better.

Practice on Monday? That’s just what I wanna do!

That’s it!

– You got a minute? – Sure!

I don’t know what to do.

Kids are starting to make fun of me, because I’m no good at sarcastaball.

I suck at being nice and polite.

I’m so good at sucking I should work at a Thai massage parlor.

You’re a great player.

I don’t have the mojo you have.

I told you, everyone has a creamy filling inside them,

where all the feelings of compassion and joy come from.

Didn’t your dad ever tell you that?

– I don’t have a dad. – Right, I’m sorry.

Everyone has a creamy filling.

And some people have so much of that feeling

that it comes out sometimes.

A lot of times, when I go to sleep,

if I’m having wonderful dreams that make me feel really good,

sometimes, I wake up.

And when I wake up, I realize some of my goo has come out.

There’s a lot this time!

But I always make sure I keep it,

just in case I ever run out of all my happy sunshine feelings.

You save it all?

My goo doesn’t come out every night, but I sure have a surplus of it.

Do you think your goo might work on someone else?

I don’t know. I never really thought of it that way.

It’s kind of a grapey, bleachy flavor.

Do you feel warm and compassionate?

Holy shit, I think I do.

Welcome back to Rome. We’re gonna talk some sarcastaball.

I can’t wait.

I can’t wait to talk sarcastaball, because it’s really compelling.

Joining me is the coach of the Broncos and the inventor of sarcastaball.

Thanks for calling in. Really happy to have you on the show.

It’s awesome to be on your show.

First off, thanks for taking a sport that we all love,

and turning it into a sarcastic nightmare.

It’s totally what I intended.

When I came up with the idea, I was sure it would end up like this.

It certainly makes for an exciting game.

How about last night’s nail biter that ended zero to zero?

A game I wanna watch twice. A game I wanna watch four times.

Check that, I’ll watch that game five times.

On Sunday, it will be another game that I could watch twelve times.

Check that, thirteen times.

Aren’t you gonna come join your family for dinner?

I’ve totally got time to do that.

In fact, how about I go make a four-course meal for all of you?

Check that, a seven-course meal.

Something’s happened.

Are you unable to stop being sarcastic?

Right, I can’t stop being sarcastic now.

I’m telling you,

I think this sport is doing something to your brain.

Right, it’s doing something to my brain,

and now, I can’t stop being sarcastic.

Do you mean that?

I totally mean it.

Help me, Sharon.

Help me.

First string, cover those wideouts! Tell them you like their outfits!

Hug those two players and give their quarterback a kiss!

– You idiot! – Stay positive!

All right, cuddle up!

What is going on out there?

That kid is provoking us. He’s saying mean things to piss us off!

We need more of your mojo.

All right, here you go.

I’m sorry,

but there appears to be permanent damage.

This is great. My week just keeps getting better.

How do we fix this?

You don’t. I’m sorry.

There just isn’t enough research in how sarcasm affects the brain.

So, that’s it.

I should just go home and forget about what this sport has done to me.

Let thousands of people play sarcastaball and get hurt too.

Really, you think there’s a correlation between sarcasm and sarcastaball?

That’s fascinating. Please go on.

Sarcastaball has nothing to do with it…

I just really enjoy being sarcastic, and so I must be finding an excuse.

You know, I have a fifty-year old Alzheimer’s patient in the waiting room

who can’t even remember his family,

but let’s forget about him

and focus on how sarcastaball might be damaging people’s brains.

My son is out there playing that game.

It’s heartwarming to see such high regard for his safety!

I’ve got a better idea.

Let’s get all the funding for cancer and genetic diseases,

let’s take all that money and make commercials that say,

“Hey, America, sarcasm might not be such a great thing for your brain.”

Thank you, doctor. Thank you so much!

Jim Rome here.

I love sarcastaball just as much as the next guy.

But sometimes, it’s so thrilling

I need an extra burst of energy to get me through a game.

That’s why I drink this.

Butters’ Creamy Goo.

You play hard.

You need a sports drink that gives you extra boost.

Sports these days are all about being nice.

So take your game to the next level with Butters’ Creamy Goo.

You’ll be filled with feelings of good tidings

and be nicer than a ray of sunshine.

Like me!

Get with it, and get the goo.

Butters’ Creamy Goo is chock-full of all the essentials an athlete needs.

Cummitment! Cumpassion!

And cumradery!

And now, it’s available in quart size.

When I get hot and tired, only one thing can boost my compassion.

I’m back in the game!

Go and chug a bottle of Butters’ Creamy Goo.

Best served lukewarm.

42!

Red 13!

Sunshine and happy thoughts!

He’s gonna intercept it!

Good job!

Get in the car.

– We’re going home. – What?

Sorry, Stanley,

we don’t want you playing any more.

Get off the field, m’kay!

Everyone, listen.

There’s something you need to know about sarcastaball.

It turns out it’s totally safe.

It’s super safe.

It’s like so safe we should have every kid play it…

Sorry, hang on. Gotta not be so sarcastic.

Let me try again.

Listen, everyone,

if you let your kids play sarcastaball,

you’re a fucking genius.

Cut, sorry.

Try this again.

Look, what I’m trying to say is,

we should have like ten sarcastaball leagues,

because then everyone… Goddammit!

Stanley, get your things and come on.

– We’re going home. – You can’t tell me what to do!

We’re your parents, we can’t tell you what to do.

Don’t you see what this sport has done to your father?

Do you want to end up like him?

Right, like he doesn’t exaggerate every disease he gets.

It’s happening!

Mr. Marsh, listen,

I know you care about your son,

but he’s a heck of a player.

He’s good at tickling, laughing, and getting along.

Look, the point has been made, OK?

I’m warning you being this sarcastic is dangerous.

We’re not being sarcastic, Dad!

Is it so hard to believe we really enjoy a non-violent sport?

Is it hard to believe

when Butters says competitiveness can be compassionate,

he’s being completely sincere?

I don’t see how anyone could play this game with any sincerity.

That’s because you’re too grumpy and negative to believe it.

You need a sports drink that can boost your levels of caring and goodness.

You need this.

This is cum.

And you can just sit here in your room and think about what you’ve done.

Just because people try and make football a little safer

by changing a kickoff rule,

doesn’t mean you need take it to,

“Oh, why don’t we just drink each other’s cum?”

Sarcasm like that is homophobic,

chauvinistic and completely lacking in maturity!

Any questions?

What’s sarcasm and what’s cum?

– You’ll know when you’re older. – Come on, everybody,

let’s work on that kickoff change and get back to some football.

Welcome back to Rome.

You might have seen me on TV last night.

Turns out the drink I endorsed was semen.

Turns out a little kid was just being sarcastic.

He’s probably grounded for a month.

Check that, I’m sure he’s grounded for two months.

And a week.

Football needs to be made safer,

so why don’t we have players in bras drinking semen?

That’s a fastball right there.

That’s a real stroke of philosophic genius.

War little kids drinking semen to finally bring back real football,

and I don’t know what else to say but so long sarcastaball,

it was nice knowing you.

Let’s just hope nothing like this ever happens again.

Probably won’t. Not for another year.

Check that, a couple days.

Dad!

My wiener’s all stiff and pointy.

That’s just a friendly compass.

Whenever you have friends in the area,

your little compass tells you where they are.

It’s pointing up, because Jesus is your friend.

Thanks, Dad.