All language subtitles for The.Great.S02E01.Heads.Its.Me.720p.WEB-DL.HEVC.x265-BONE

Russia must be saved
from Peter.

PREVIOUSLY ON...

I've never done a coup before.

This is a dangerous game.

I am as good as dead here.

So I have nothing to lose.

Orlo!

- Help me with the coup!
- Don’t say another word!

You and I
will plan for my reign.

If we are to move forward,
we need men who will fight.

Would you care for a macaroon?

I have lost my fingers.

I' just pop it in your mouth.

Your bride is unhappy.
You must clear the clouds.

We shall find you a lover.

Marvelous.

She's just a woman.
Weak of mind and firm of breast.

I don't want to kill you.

You're not a bad person.

I could kill you.

You are a bad person.

- Someone's tried to poison him!
- You poisoned him?

What happens to us
when he's dead?

You're never safe.

The family must protect itself.

You know what I want
for my birthday? Russia!

It will be hard,
but we will prevail.

Huzzah!

I told Peter it was you.

He loves you,
and you have his baby.

You told him that I'm pregnant?

You think a child will stop me?

Your child. A son.

The preservation of your line.

I can change the world.

I know you can.

We can win this.

Leo will be dead.

I await your signal.

What have you done with him?

Me?

- Let him go.
- You do not love him. You love me!

You're a madman!

She is a firecracker.
I have never loved her more.

I am terrifying.

Nothing.

Maybe Leo is...

The soldiers all say he is not.

Tell them to stop searching.

He's dead.

Of course he's fuckin' dead.

- So you have him trapped.
- Yes.

Finally a breakthrough.

Him and his forces
have retreated to the east wing.

I didn't think
it would take this long.

Four months,
Velementov, and much death.

I'm somewhere
between bored and enraged.

Battle has its own rhythm.

You must play it as it lays,
not how you wish it.

I wish it to be the final stanza.
Do you understand?

Well, not to apportion blame,
but if we're cutting the cake,

your desire to be
the one that kills him

has skewed a few plans.

Then I will let that go,
and you will get this done.

Come here.

What are you doing?

Playing.

This is a human being.

Uh, was.

Grigori Vasiliv, in fact.

He had a life as precious
as yours, as all Russians.

Do not demean our nation
and yourselves by losing sight

of the preciousness of life,
yours and his.

Ask yourself,
what can I make of my life?

What intrinsic good can I do
that elevates my humanity?

I don't know what
a lot of that means.

"Don't be little shits"
is what it means.

Fuck off you go.

Can we have our head back?

No! You can't
have the head back!

Bitch!

Empress bitch!

You have a way with kids.

Let's hope so.

We have them trapped
on the third floor.

Why are we not attacking?

- I am developing a plan.
- Again?

Why can we not
just launch an assault?

I am trying to avoid
unnecessary bloodshed.

But are you also trying to
avoid necessary bloodshed?

Since I'm the only person
here with 40 years' military experience,

I expect that's
a distinction only I can make.

If-if you'd just
stabbed him when--

You really want to go down
the path to the past, Orlo?

It is both unconstructive
and very annoying.

We are one step closer to victory.

Feel free to congratulate me.

You need to concentrate
on the next step.

I will not launch a pointless assault.

They are trapped, but they are also

heavily fortified on both flanks.

The central path is a death trap.

- You can't get in?
- In layman's terms.

Laywoman's.

Indeed.

But yes, he is trapped.

He must be worried.

Must know ultimately, I've got him.

Emperor... Emperor, if...

If I could just talk about
the plan for the next few days.

Of course you may, Svenska,

as long as you don't
expect me to listen.

- Sir.
- Grigor.

Listen to Svenska and nod occasionally

as if you give
a fuck on my behalf.

It's just our new situation
needs to be assessed and--

Just enjoy the party, Svenska.
You've become quite the worrier.

It is dull and makes me want to punch you
when I see you about to speak.

- It's just that--
- Ah!

He warned you. Just tell me.

Svenska has a point.

She has us trapped.

I think we're in trouble.

Arkady?

I mean, we have her!

- Huzzah!
- Of course, we do. Huzzah!

Yes, of course we do. Huzzah.

- But...
- She has done well though.

Extraordinary.
I've never loved her more.

I can actually tell
when a move is hers

and not that balloon-shaped
traitorous fuck Velementov.

Her moves have wit and elegance.

He is like a blind syphilitic
wild boar with a map and a gun

dangling off his ball bag.

My concern is...

losing.

Grigor, Arkady,
check him for balls.

Don't fucking touch me.

Oh. A fine set. Bravo.

- Jean-Pierre!
- Uh, oui.

The mousse.
Thyme, brandy, juniper and...?

- Fennel seed.
- Ah, that's it! Mm!

Our next move. We are trapped--

We are not trapped.

We can go out here
and go through the basement,

assemble in the forest

and retake from
up here and below.

But tomorrow after the party.

I am sure he has men
stacked in the forest.

Well, let's find out.

Look-alikes! Where are you?

Fuck me, look-alikes?

You're not nearly
good-looking enough.

Uh, maybe you.

Okay, you, go.

Head into the forest.

You make it to the edge,
turn and wave this.

Oh, Svenska, relax, will you?

Madam Svenska?

Fuck Svenska, will you?
Relax him.

I actually can't get it up
at the moment.

The worry.

Why worry?
It's war. You're a soldier.

You should be loving this.

He worries about losing.

He should not,
for as we all know,

the emperor will prevail.

Ah. Well,
I will fuck you in his stead,

for all my subjects
must be happy

and filled with joy and optimism
and if they are not,

I will fill them personally.
Huzzah!

No!

No. I... I can try again.

I feel strong.

You know, you have...

filled me with lead, Emperor.

She will not beat me because...

well...

I'm me.

I was born to be emperor,
chosen by God,

and is God ever wrong?

Archie? Is God ever wrong?

Never, Emperor.

He is the sun
blinding us with truth.

Don't know what that means,
but seems to agree with me.

Oh, can we
hand out some medals?

You know, lift morale.

Hmm. Indeed. Fun.

You don't look like
you're having fun.

Hmm.
Perspicacious, as always.

I'm in the wrong place.

I admit, it doesn't look good.

A ruble for your thoughts.

Nothing.

Not, "Could I get close enough

to cut his throat and end this"?

- Well--
- You couldn't.

His guards are on the watch.
Look.

Just sit tight, stick with me.

Patience.

Not my strong point.

God will blow
the right wind soon.

What's the right wind?

Only God knows that.

We wait on His perfect whim.

Have an oyster.

Your serene faith

is really fucking annoying.

Really?
I always imagined it

charismatic and charming.

I find it ridiculous and absurd
and fucking idiotic,

and I'm sorry I ever listened

to a word out of
your fucking mouth.

You owe me a ruble.

And for services unparalleled
to our great emperor, me...

Chef Jean-Pierre.

He arrived in
the middle of a battle

and turned out a six-course degustation

that left me speechless, legless,

and having wet dreams

of pheasant stuffed with plums
for four days.

Ah, Dr. Vinodel!

- Emperor.
- How is she?

Her blood is red,
her bile is yellow,

her shit was not to my liking
last time I saw her,

but her urine was straw-looking
and fruity to the taste,

so on balance,
you know, she's fine.

Indeed. And give her my best.

I miss Paul.

Hmm. May I continue
sewing on this man?

Uh, it's an actual
physical pain.

- Look-alike's out!
- Huh?

Ah.

Okay.

Guess they're in the forest.

Shit.

They're holed up
and ready for us.

You can't get in?

No.

Then we get them to come out.

You.

Molotov, ma'am.

Mm. Give me your bottle.

Vodka catches flame.

No, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Y-y-you, no, you need to, you need to--

People instinctively
run from fire.

So, we burn them out.

And if we burn down the palace
in the process?

We'll build a new one, Orlo.

New palace. New Russia.

All right.

We go in an hour.

- You go, be safe.
- Okay.

Do you still need
to kill him yourself?

No. Let's just win.

Velementov.
Have they found...?

No.

You know, we've searched
the forest many times.

Do you think he could be alive?

It's been a while.

You know,
a body would be in a...

We're looking.

Don't you dare.

You don't get that.

Mari--

Sylvana?

Tea.

What a day.

Want one?

Mm. We can just talk.

But you don't.

I...

It's okay.

I'm just used to--

Marial.

Yes.

I'm sorry I'm not her.

You may go.

Dr. Vinodel.

I feel fine, Vinodel. Must we?

I apologize in advance.

And please understand
I was under duress.

What?

God. You look great!

Uh, don't call for soldiers

or I'll blow Vinodel's head
across the room.

I agree with the emperor,
please don't call out.

Might get a drink actually.

What are you doing here?

You look amazing.

Look how big you are.

How's Paul?

Hi, Paul. Daddy's here.

I just wish
he'd go and kill her.

She has his baby.

Anyone can have a fucking baby.

I've got six.

He loves her.

Which is really not helping.

This is it.

Follow me, men!

Oh, Jesus Christ! Run!

- We're gonna die!
- We have to go get him.

- Just quickly, Grigor. Just thinking.
- George!

We are prepared
to die for him, right?

We've never
really had that chat.

- We're not fucking dying.
- Thing is,

I never really
thought about him losing.

Because he just doesn't.

She's winning, Grigor.

Well, if he loses,
we're fucked.

Exactly, but we
could run right now,

get out of here,
and go to the country house.

You hate the country house.
You always say it's too small.

It's roomier than a coffin.

I guess she'd come for us
wherever we are.

Well, she might not.
She's quite nice.

I would if I was her.

And if we run and then he wins?

Hm. That would be bad.

I don't know that I could live
without him anyway.

I can't imagine
just the two of us.

Cheering to hear.

Let's go get him.

- So, how have you been? Yes.
- How have I been?

At war with you,
that's how I've been.

Well, hasn't it been great?
I've loved it.

Hm. You need to give in.

We need to stop this bloodshed.

See, that's the difference
between us.

I don't mind the bloodshed.

I mean, you honestly can't think

you can run Russia
without bloodshed.

I can.

I will.

You're so sweet sometimes,

I could just
kiss you on the nose.

Ah!

Oh, sorry, did that hurt?

Yes.

Let's face it,
your heart wasn't in it anyway.

We don' want
to kill each other.

Fervently disagree.

You need to stop or--

You'll lose?

That's not a great argument,
to be honest.

No.
Or I will have to get serious

and start trying, and then
you or Paul will get hurt.

I'm winning!

I love that you think that.
I knew you would.

That's why I thought I should
come down and tell you

I think we've had enough fun.

This isn't fun.

People are dying.
Russia is paralyzed.

Then stop and that will stop.

So many great reasons
for you to give up.

For instance, we can fuck.

Hm. Not a strong argument.

I bet you've missed my tongue.

I did dream about
cutting it out, so perhaps.

I just don't want an accident.

Some loyalist
in the hallway grabs you,

smacks your delightfully shaped
skull against a wall

until it shatters and caves in,
killing you and Paul.

You know, can you imagine
how upset I'd be?

I'd fuck your
dead body for days.

I want you to know that.

- Jesus.
- Exactly.

My love is strong.

We should stop for Paul's sake.

You're right.

So, you give up,
let me kill you,

and I'll tell Paul what
a marvelous person you were.

- I've missed your pithy self.
- Oh.

Did Paul just kick you?

Yes.

He knows I'm here!

Paul?

I miss you too.

- Are you crying?
- What? No.

Yes. Shit.

Shit.

Look. I made this for him.

Hm.

- It's cute.
- Thanks.

Men!

Don't be stubborn.
I mean, I love it,

but it's fucking
wearing at times.

Like right now.

Cherries?

How are you getting cherries?

We're not getting cherries
in the east wing.

People like me better.

Well, I'm fun, you're not,
so I doubt that's true.

You have convinced a few people
things can be better,

which they can't,
so you have lied to them.

And if you won,
things would go badly

once they realized the lie.

Oh, shit.

Did you launch an attack?

Yes.

And I'm not there.

It's bad timing for you,
good timing for me.

It's like there's something in my head
where I always know what to do,

even though I never
really think about it.

I guess that's why God chose me.

You're going to die, Peter.

You can save hundreds of lives
by just accepting that.

Do it for Russia.

You know, I'm not sure appealing
to my selfless side has a lot of traction.

I think it does.

I really believe that.

I know your heart.

You are ever an optimist,
another thing I love about you.

- We have a problem.
- Oh, you do? Do tell.

Empress, you look big.

- Thanks.
- You need to come.

Uh, let me just say goodbye.

My patience is wearing thin.

Love you.

Bye, Paul.

I have the worst headache.

Silent weapons.

That's what we need to invent.

What would be the fun of that?

- Look-alike.
- Such a shit job.

They don't even get paid much.

I need to sit down for a minute.

I'll keep searching.

When you find Archie,
shoot him in both legs, then get me.

Make sure there's a hammer
and some small knives handy

and I will finish it.

Jesus, it's a war, Orlo.

Why are you
taking it personally?

Run, fatso.
Your time is up!

Give up.

I just need to kill you first.

You should be with us!

I want to be the boss.

I'll kill you and cross
the floor and get hired,

fight for her.

But first the "kill you" part.

Shit.

Your time really is up.

Well, don't worry, I'll blow
your fucking heart out

and it won't hurt anymore.

Don't call me fatso.

No sign of Peter.

- Ah.
- Antoine!

Apologies, Madam.

It's a disaster up there.

Ah. An understatement.

- Well, where's Svenska?
- Don't know.

- We need to get out of here.
- It does seem felicitous.

No, no, no, I don't run.

Peter the Great's son does not run
from his own fucking palace!

If she can't find you,
she can't kill you.

If she can't kill you,
she can't win.

Right.

She can't be head of Russia
while I'm alive,

so I'm not running, I'm winning.

Exactly. I have
a carriage and horses waiting.

Well, let's go!
I don't know where,

but I shall have another
great idea and we will prevail.

What do you mean nowhere?

They searched the palace,
he's gone.

Carriages and horses
were seen leaving.

- Probably them.
- Well, did anyone follow?

He knows the palace
better than anyone.

- He found a gap in our perimeter.
- Where do we think he went?

There are six royal estates,
we suspect one of those.

Uh, can't I just say he's dead
and crown myself?

No, he is out in the regions,

able to go to regional courts
and gather support.

That is what he'll be
on his way to do.

Shit! Ah!

No, look-alike!

Valery Pugachev.
Recently resigned,

so no need to shoot me
as I leave. Heh.

Empress, all the best of luck.
He's a fucking madman, that one.

Ehh...

You're very beautiful,
by the way.

Eh.

I'm pretty sure I gave orders
to have you shot

if you approached my quarters.

You underestimate
how well-liked I am.

What's it going to take?

An apology or something?

There is no apology big
enough for betraying me.

I'm sorry...
that you've interpreted me

saving your life as a betrayal.

It is a punitive,
narrow view of things

and does not speak well
of your character.

- Tea?
- You betrayed me.

- Saved.
- Betrayed.

Are you alive?

- Clearly.
- Then I rest my case.

It has taken me
four months instead of days.

Well, you couldn't kill him,
that is what derailed us.

Not to cast blame.

I didn't kill him, which
is different from couldn't.

Hm.

You do know how to make tea.

Look at you.

That thing.

I call it the baby.

- Is it strange?
- Very.

So, tell me.

It is real, but also not real.

And I piss myself a lot.

And like to eat dirt.

You know, I think if God really
loved women, we'd lay eggs.

I've missed you.

More tea?

Look me in the eye a moment.

What do you see?

You know what I see?

It is what you see in mine.

More tea.

Fuck me,
these blueberries are good,

like a bluebird
coming in your mouth.

- Give me some more, Grigor.
- Ah, that's it.

What do you mean that's it?

We just grabbed clothes
and bags of stuff.

I didn't really
think about food.

Wh-which was an oversight.
I think I see that now.

You mean you really
didn’t think about me,

your emperor and best friend?

We were all running
for our lives.

Fuck!

Tell me you at least
brought Jean-Pierre.

We'll pick things up
in the villages.

- Eh, we-we can...
- We can what?

Pick up a salmon en croûte
with a saffron aioli in the next village?

We'll work something out.

This is very disappointing.

I'm sorry.

You know, I don't strategize
well when I'm hungry.

Mm? The empire
may now be at risk.

I wouldn't have eaten them
so fast, would I?

As I watched you,

you began to more and more
resemble a ripe apple.

I was about to bite
your cheek out.

You have missed much.

It was torment being away,

but I became ill,
and I could not travel.

- Peter's gone.
- I heard that.

You shall prevail, I know it.

Let me see him.

Oh... so beautiful.

Oh, I remember when I was...

- I'm sorry.
- No, no.

Don't be sorry...

I loved every minute of it.

I brought you a frog.

To eat?

The average woman has
three to seven miscarriages.

We must keep
this carriage on the road.

Lay back.

The village doulas use them,

and the rate of miscarriage
is markedly lower

in the villages than the court.

Dr. Vinodel.

Empress, I...

Oh.

You’re doing the frog?

Yes, I'm doing the frog.

It is discredited hocus-pocus.

Instead, I will insert this sage
bundle into the royal cunt

and that will do
what the frog purports to.

That is not going inside me.

Oh, gosh, I'm glad I'm here.
Get away from her.

Ah, breakfast.

Some raw sliced turbot

and some farmhouse cheeses
slathered on bread

with a shot of vodka
every morning.

- Mm.
- It is too rich for the baby's blood.

He will be born with a stutter.

Seems better than
the seven bowls of chicken broth

you make me eat each day, Vinodel.

I will take care of you now.

I must listen for a heartbeat.

If there was not a heartbeat,
the frog would hop off.

- Oh, dear God.
- You may go, Vinodel.

Do you know
where Peter might go?

- Did you check the cupboards?
- The cupboards?

After seeing his mother, he
would often disappear for days

and would generally
be found in a cupboard

with a ham and a teddy.

I guess we could check.

And Leo?

I, uh...

You have steel in your heart.

My broken heart.

You will realize you
haven’t even known love

until this baby comes out,

and men forever after
will be merely useful trinkets.

Russia and a child to love
will fill your heart to overflowing.

Leave the frog on
for 20 minutes.

Strange place to hide.

He's gone. They have no reason
to search his room for him.

They'll kill you
if they find you.

Orlo has blood in his nostrils.

In the moment,
some decisions seem so right

and yet they
come back to haunt you.

Thanks.

Do you know where he is?

- I do not.
- You lying to me?

I have never and will never.

The same cannot be said
for you to me.

How different things
could have been

if you'd told me of her plan.

You really want to have
that conversation now?

No.

I just need to hide.
How is she?

We have forgiven each other.

I think the weight of
our yearning for each other

slightly outweighs
the grudge we carry.

Hm. That's good.

The wind blows her way.
Well played.

It is not a play.

Save me if you can.

You know I will.

Where will you go?

The forest...
to commune with God.

Tell Him He needs
to get his act together,

blow that cunt Peter
into his grave.

Fucker.

Oh! Jean-Pierre.

Fucker!

Oh! Wake Velementov!

Empress.

How do these people live?
I had no idea how they suffered.

When this is over,
we need to give them better bread recipes.

Hah!

Food at last! Food at last!

Jean-Pierre! Jean-Pierre!

You better have some snails in garlic
butter in 10 fucking min--

Shit. That's not good.

I said don't go back for food.

Don't be a blamer, George,
or I will never fuck you with my tongue

so that you literally
melt in my mouth again.

- Jesus Christ.
- Sorry, Grigor.

I'm saying blame is not
an attractive characteristic.

Neither is dead.

Go get him!

Shit! Cossacks!

Come on!

Uh, and don't shoot her!
Just everyone else.

Empress.

I'll get more boats
brought from nearby villages.

Won't the same
just happen again?

Indeed. He's got Cossacks.
Those fuckers don't stop.

We'll go from a different spot,
at night.

Catherine, it’s freezing.

I had them put up
a tent for you.

- We need to kill him today.
- We shall.

Well, she's not killing him.
She promised me.

And it would be
a terrible idea anyway.

Politically, it would delegitimize her
in the eyes of many regions.

They regard him as chosen by God

and her as a grabby little
German chosen by mail order.

She needs him to abdicate.

That's not the plan.

Catherine?

I need to rest.

- Mm.
- Catherine, a moment.

Oh, good God, is that dirt?

Indeed.
Cravings.

Don't get pregnant, Orlo.
It's like a coup on your body.

Speaking of which,
we need to kill this cunt.

I noticed some reservations
with Elizabeth.

We need to kill him, Archie,
Grigor and Georgina.

Oh, a veritable killing spree.

What happened to
my incremental progress,

small steps, rational,
tiny dreams bureaucrat?

You know you have to.

And you should want to.
He fucking killed Leo.

No. I did that.

Okay, okay, let's, let's
not get distracted by that.

Y-Your original idea
was catch him,

make him abdicate,
kill him later.

Because then I still had fear
in my cowardly heart.

Now my heart
is fucking hard as a rock

and that's how it must be
if we are to win

and if we are
to change this country.

I disagree.

There is the poetry
of what we want,

and there is the blood and grind
of how we get it.

I have your opinion
and counsel.

I thank you,
but I have dirt to eat

and my own counsel to take.

Head not heart, Catherine.

Reason not rage, Orlo.

There's a worm in that clump.

You should be sleeping.

I can't.

Did you like her?

I adored her.

But the way she was cruel to him
broke something in him.

A child should float
in a bubble of love

so that nothing can touch them,

at least while they're young.

Was that what
you did with Igor?

I did.

I at least know I did that.

- How did he die?
- Drowned in the lake.

I'm sorry.

I remember at his funeral,
she walked past me and she said,

"It's the first time
I've envied you."

Jesus.

I may have to kill him.

Know that.

I want him to live...

because I love him.

And if you can...

not take a life
and still get what you want,

then why take the life?

Only men are dumb enough
to do that.

It's why they're endlessly
creating their own destruction.

They're like little pandas
trapped in a barrel,

and they all have knives
and they cut each other up

rather than using the knives

to cut open the barrel
and run free.

It is a complicated
set of metaphors.

Is it? Which part?

If I let him live,
it is a danger to me, is it not?

You can control him.

I'm not sure.

My dear, you have taken
his country in barely a year.

And he still loves you.

Indeed.

- Fuck.
- We need a plan.

We need a decent meal.
I can't think like this.

We could take a boat and try to get
to the other bank at night.

- They'll gun us down.
- Ah, she won't kill me.

If we make it to the other bank,
we’re away.

- It's too dangerous.
- Maybe.

Let's find out. Hmm.

Fire!

Are you fucking kidding?

That could've been me!

Fuck.

Look-alike.

You all right?

Yes.

Can't sleep either?

I can't believe
she would've killed me.

I mean, she loves me secretly,

possibly even
secretly from herself.

I'm so fucking hungry.

Right.

I know something you could eat.

Morale is still high.

So it seems.

I taught him well.

Jean-Pierre.

Yes, Empress.

What the fuck is that?

Hmm.

Oh, smell that!

- Delicious.
- Merci.

I thought he would love apples
and marjoram and cognac.

Indeed, he would, Jean-Pierre.

That smells amazing.

Is that apples and cognac?

With marjoram.

The Cossacks
caught a rat for us.

- Are you fucking kidding?
- A rat?

Oh, brilliant!
I bet it's marvelous.

I love rats more than pigs!

Hmm.

Mm, slow roast
or fillet and flash fry?

- I'm gonna throw up.
- Oh, come on.

I'll make a little
weed salsa verde.

Ha. There's lots of rats.
This'll keep us going

till the next part
of the plan arrives in my head.

Oh.

Let's flash fry. Yeah.

I tell you, Grigor, it's moments
like this that make a man.

- What do I put in these weeds?
- Berries.

Some rum if we've got it.

Small thing...

you said you
wouldn't fuck George.

I thought I said twice a year.

- Last night.
- You what?

We had a gentlemen’s agreement.

I will fuck who I want,
when I want.

Know that, both of you.

Hmm.
We shall respect your wishes.

- Grigor?
- Jesus.

Okay, I think that's ready.

Mm. The smell is...

strong, but...

strong is good.

Ha.

Hmm.

Uh...

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck it. I'm not starving to death,
not doing it. Get the boat!

They might shoot you
as you cross.

I know that, Grigor!
That's why I'm not going.

- George is.
- I am?

He'll want the Urals,
ten million rubles,

or safe passage to Norway
and 50 million rubles.

Ideally the Urals for us,
but better than that,

strike the deal, then we
shoot him in the head

once he's over here.

He will abdicate,
but he wants one thing.

Yes?

Twenty minutes a day
with Paul and you.

- That's it?
- He has some details

he wants to cut up
with you, but that's it.

It's a trap.

I will see him. He is safe.

Tell him to come.

You! Bring me that food.

No!

Oh, come on, you won.
I can eat.

Not until we have a deal.

I can go back
and think of ways to win.

There's black pig ham
dusted with fennel pollen

on rye with pickled beets.

Fuck me.
Okay, let's do a deal.

The deal is, you live in the Urals
in a house under house arrest.

Grigor and Georgina
may go with you.

The Urals?
That is a terrible idea.

- I understand you don't like it, but--
- No, for you.

You want me in a region alone?

I'll charm and buy off
the guards in no time,

gather the region's loyalists
and relaunch against you.

I probably shouldn't have
told you that.

But I care for you.

You know, that's my burden.
My love for you hangs heavy.

Right.

You sure you
want to run Russia?

You're a little slow
on the strategy front.

And yet you are abdicating.

Touch... '.

I always forget the '."

Okay. My idea.

I live in the palace
as I have done,

party, hunt.

You run Russia
while I'm doing this by day,

and at night
we have much fiery sex,

and when Paul is born,
he takes Russia.

We then have more fiery sex

until one day
our hearts give out

as we pleasure each other senseless
against a tree in the forest.

You know, I actually had
a dream where that happened.

I had a dream where
I dropped you down a well

that I thought
was full of boiling water

but turned out to be full
of angry starving bears.

- I like mine better.
- And I'm not having sex with you.

Seems rude
and also short-sighted.

I look at you
and go dry like sand.

Fuck me, you are a...

Hmm.

The more you toy with me,
the harder my cock gets.

There are softer oak trees.

I could just
kill you if I wanted.

You won't have to.

If you don't let me see Paul,
I'll do it myself.

Just 20 minutes a day. Please.

I just want to be
with you and Paul.

- That's what you want?
- Yeah.

Palace house arrest, agreed.

Breakfast with Paul, agreed.

Sex, not agreed.

- Tongue trick?
- Not agreed.

You'll regret that.

I get Jean-Pierre. My chef.

- Fine.
- And hunting?

I'm not giving you a gun.

Have me under
armed sight at any time

and they may blow my
fucking head off at their whim.

No.

So, we'll leave that one to be
negotiated.

Know this.

Your guards will have orders
to kill you at their whim,

fillet you alive,
boil your organs

and force-feed you them
unseasoned

if you step out of line once.

Once. Not twice. Once.

Unseasoned?
Barbaric.

Good for you. Shows promise.
Maybe you can do this.

All right, we have a deal.

Orlo!

Wait. I'm still emperor.

Just...
Yeah, I'll do this.

Orlo!
Lobcock traitorous fuckhead,

do you have
a document for me to sign?

- I do.
- Well, bring it here.

Fuck me,
you may need better advisers.

Last chance.

We get in the carriage,
forget the coup,

and fuck all the way home.

Just sign it.

Where's that ham?

Darling, I came as soon as I heard
and begged for your life.

I'm sorry, Aunt.
I know you're devastated.

You're alive,
that's all I need.

Mm. Fuck me.

Grigor, taste this ham. Mm.

I guess that's it.

He signed his own name, right?

Yes.

It's mine.

Gather everyone around.

Men! Forward!

Oh, one thing.

I have Leo's head.

What?

Some guards gave it
to me way back when.

Had it mummified.

Not sure whether you want it
or forgot him by now probably.

You have his head?

Mm. Not with me, obviously.

Oh. No-no, we do.

What? With us?

It was in one of the bags
we grabbed when we left.

Good. Great. Get it.

Huh.

It's a strange feeling,
it being over, isn't it?

And yet so normal to be
standing together as one.

- You don’t really have--
- Got it!

Great.

Mm. Here we are.

Okay, see you at home.

Love you.

That fucking ham!

Empress Catherine the Great!

Huzzah!

Huzzah! Huzzah!

Huzzah! Huzzah...

You all right?

Why are you...

- What?
- Happy? We lost.

Did we?

Well, you did abdicate,

so you could say lost for sure.

I'm happy because
I have a plan.

A brilliant one.

Give me some of that
marvelous ham!

I bless our new leader,
Catherine the Great.

I gave her Russia.

Her power is an illusion that I will
shatter when the time is right.

We will coup her.

We were all happy once.
We can be again.

Arkady and I
have been strategizing.

Rabbit.

Can you actually focus
on the unseating her plan?

This is a dynasty.

If she loves you,
you will make more babies,

and protect the family line.

You must make her love you.

Should we have sex?

I'd rather choke to death
on this tiny chicken.

Your mother
is on her way here.

Mother? Huzzah!

Your daughter is the best thing
to happen to Russia.

Well, that makes us enemies,

because Russia is the worst
thing to happen to her.

Did you actually
just free the serfs?

I did.

You didn't want to
discuss it first?

It was clear what to do,
so I did it.

The nobles
will tear you to shreds.

Gentlemen!

Get used to the future,
because it's coming.

Lying German bitch!

Oh!

Oh, God.
Why are they throwing shoes?

They hate you,
and I took their guns.

You will fall to your knees,

broken by your failure
to change Russia.

I will lift you from the ground,

and we will rip at each other's clothes
like time itself is about to end

and we cannot get to each other
before it does.

The joy of being a woman is
knowing we can outplay a man.

- No one does anything till I make a move.
- It's dangerous.

I was born to do dangerous things.

- Why is everybody crying?
- Everyone fucking dies now!

Welcome to Russia.

- It's never dull here.
- Huzzah.

- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!

Oh. Beat you to it.