Original subtitles

"South Park: S16E06" "I should have never gone ziplining" Original air date 18 April, 2012

Sync & corrections by MaxiZephyr www.addic7ed.com

?I'm goin' down to south park

?Gonna have myself a time

?Friendly faces everywhere

?Humble folks without

?Temptation

?I'm goin' down to south park

?Gonna leave my woes behind

?Ample parking day or night,

?People spouting, "howdy,

?Neighbor"

?I'm headin' down to south park

?Gonna see if I can't unwind

?Murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr

?Mff mrmmph! Murpph mmmph mmph

?Mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph!

?So come on down to south park,

?And meet some friends of mine

Kyle, Kyle, Kyle!

Four young boys in Colorado,

are on a trip from hell.

Ahhh, I can't take it!

Somebody help us.

Trapped in an unforgiving

mountain wilderness with no way out.

Ahhh.

The fourth graders are in a

nightmare they can not escape.

We were stuck, we were completely stuck.

Kyle, hurry!

Kyle, wake up, you got to

wake up, Kyle!

The four elementary school boys,

an ordinary day becomes

a descent into madness

on tonight's episode of

"I should have never gone ziplining."

Help, we're trap.

We have to get out of here.

It's the last day of spring break.

and all over the small mountain town of South Park

students are trying to have as much fun as possible.

For 10-year-old Stan Marsh and

his friends Kyle, Eric and Kenny,

the last day has come too soon.

We really spent the whole

spring break watching TV and

playing Xbox, you know.

So, we wanted to go out and do something really adventurous.

We can go to the city pool

they have a water slide.

No I'm not getting into the

pool with Kenny he has herpes.

What? Look at his lips.

You've got herpes, dude.

I don't have herpes. It's a cold sore.

Yeah, cold sore is what girls call it Kenny.

It's actually herpes.

Come on guys, the day is wasting away.

What would be something really cool we can do.

And then like, out of nowhere somebody came up with the idea of

ziplining.

Yeah, ziplining that could be really cool.

We've definitely not done that before.

I think, there is a place just outside of town.

I will see if my Uncle Jimbo will drop us off.

Cool, ziplining.

Ziplining. Hell ya.

Within 30 minutes,

the boys are getting a ride to the ziplining outfield

from Stan's uncle Jimbo.

We were in a good mood, just joking around you know,

mostly aking fun of Kenny's herpes.

See Kenny, you have herpes dude.

I almost touched it

Did you hear that guys.

Kenny says it's just a fever blister.

You sound like a chick, Kenny.

That's herpes, dude.

You have that until you die.

It's the ideal spring break getaway

with friends and laughter.

Hey, you guys here for the 2:00 o'clock ziplining tour.

Ya.

Alright.

Let me get you some helmets and some gear and

we'll get up there and hit that fresh nar nar.

And so they put us in these harnesses and helmets.

I-- I think that's when we started realizing

"Oh, wow. This is actually pretty dangerous."

Alright. You guys look ready to zipline.

Ya.

Okay, just follow me to the waiting room

and we'll have you take a seat with the others.

And we were like, "Others."

We have to do with this other people.

Hi, there.

Hello.

Hi.

The boys have just made a sobering discovery.

For 10-year-old Stan Marsh,

the realization that he will be with a

tour group has caused his

adrenal gland to slow down.

The average human acts a certain

way when surrounded by friends and family.

But in a tour group the brain has to

work overtime acting nice and

pretending to care about people on the tour.

Hey, how are you?

Good, how are you?

So, then we sit there for

like 30 minutes.

Because we have to wait for this couple who is running late.

Alright our last zipliners are here.

Sorry, we made you wait everybody.

Inside Kyle's mouth

the muscles contract to force a smile.

Even though in his brain, Kyle is thinking, "Dude

**** You.

We don't mind.

Now everyone was there, we thought things will start getting fun

but that's when we had to watch this

safety video.

Welcome to Backcountry Adventures.

Hey, there, Michael.

Hey there, Michael.

It was I don't know 10 maybe 15 minutes of pure hell.

Oh, and don't forget to take in the nar.

Back to you, Michael.

Thanks, Michael.

Anybody have any questions?

No.

I have a question.

Could we review the best ways to

hold the rope again.

Really, you're going to make

us listen to it again, because

you couldn't understand, really?

Let's get out there and get zipping.

Jesus Christ.

Finally.

The boys think their ordeal is over.

But what they don't realize

is that things are about to go from bad to worse.

Here we go, guys.

Ziplining.

Everyone just step on in the shuttle.

Shuttle?

How, how long do we have to

take the shuttle.

It's about 45 minutes.

It's a devastating blow.

For Kyle it's almost too much to bare.

His brain is already lacking excitement.

And now just the word "shuttle"

makes Kyle's brain fire neurons

that bring up memories of just how lame

shuttles can be.

Well, come on we don't have a choice.

Alright, guys should be about

45 minutes to the freshest nar nar.

Why don't we go around the van

to get to know each other a little bit.

That's okay.

My name is Pete Knickels and

this is my wife Donna.

And to make a long story short

we came out here to see our relatives living down in Moab.

They have lived there about 20 years now.

And long story short, they told us

that as long as we're in the rockies

we should try ziplining.

So long story short we looked around in

the newspapers, on the internet,

on billboards, and you know--

make a long story short we found this

company and thought we'd give her a try.

So, then we called and made a reservation

and that's when, you know---

long story short--

we just-- Aah!

It's almost 3:00 o'clock.

and the boys are still on the shuttle.

We're getting close.

You guys getting psyched?

But what the boys don't realize

is that a massive storm is brewing.

Last night Eric Cartman had

Kung Pao spaghetti from California

pizza kitchen.

Inside his stomach the Kung Pao has

just met with the Del Taco he ate for breakfast.

It has already started to tear down the layers of

the barbecue BK toppers that had been building up for months.

And now, to compensate for all the annoying tourists,

Eric is ingesting massive amounts of Mountain Dew.

The caffein and sugar turns the soupy fast food liquid

in his stomach into a toxic gas.

When the gas is released, it carries

with it tiny particles into Eric's fecal matter.

Fecal matter which floats up and into Kyle's nasal passage.

Dude, did you fart?

No.

Alright, guys. We're here.

Thank God.

Alright, here we are.

Looks like we've got some good nar

to zipline through today.

Before we climb up and start ziplining

does anyone care to know about these trees' biology.

The trees' biology.

We're running a little late but if

anyone really wants to know --

we can take a few minutes.

I think we're good.

I would like to know about the biology of the trees.

Okay, well this is a ponderosa pine.

It covers a more extensive area than other Americ--

So after asshole gets his

biology lesson we finally get to go ziplining.

Alright, remember to keep your hands

clear of the cable and just let your

equipment do the work.

Now when you're about half way down the

zipline the cameras gonna take

your picture.

So when I call out "shaka bra"

look up and give the camera a nice shaka bra.

Alright you ready? Ya.

Ready to do some zipping? Ya.

Alright, let's hear you say zipline.

Zipline.

Shaka bra.

Woohhoo! Alright nice zip.

Well, how was it, Cartman.

Totally ****ing stupid, dude,

Oh, really.

Ya, dude it's ****ing boring as shit.

Alright Carl, give me a zipline.

Zipline.

Shaka bra.

It was like having the life

sucked out of you.

That's all it is sliding down a cable.

Maybe without a tour group it

would be kind of fun, maybe.

But, this is just a complete disaster.

After a grueling 20 minutes

waiting for everyone else to

ride the zipline the boys

realize they have just wasted hours of their time.

And that is when the unthinkable happens.

Alright guys let's get moving.

Only ten minutes to our next zipline.

Ya!

The next zipline,

what are you talking about?

Excuse me, we're not going back, are we done.

This is a zipline tour we

have sixteen more to go.

It was like, wham.

No, no, no, no!

Everyone back in the shuttle.

The boys realize that their

ziplining nightmare has only

just begun.

Aaahhh!

Anyone have questions about the creek

we're about to cross.

Yes.

Aaahh!

Let her rip!

Zipline!

Four young boys in Colorado

are on a trip from hell.

Zipline up here we call it the Terminator.

Ahh!

Trapped in an unforgiving

mountain wilderness with a tour group.

But you know to make a long story short

I woke up this morning.

Could you get another picture of us?

Ahhh!

The fourth graders are in a

nightmare they cannot escape.

I ****

Woohh!

Nice zip.

Alright, you're going next, Ricky.

Help, help!

Somebody, somebody we're

trapped!

Somebody help us!

It's no use.

There is nobody around for

miles.

There could be a helicopter.

Maybe one will fly over head.

Face it, Stan, nobody is

coming for us.

We should've never listened to you, Cal.

Me.

Ya you, in the park this morning.

Let's go ziplining we haven't

done that before.

Oh no, don't try to pin this on me.

You're the one who brought it up.

I brought it up because you

already brought it up.

That's when I realized nobody remembered,

nobody remembered it was me who came up

with the idea to go ziplining.

Me.

You fat piece of shit.

Guys, does it really matter whose idea it was?

Yes.

Alright we can make it, you guys.

we can't panic.

If the four of us don't zipline the tour will move faster.

We are gonna make it out of here, okay.

But what the boys don't realize

is that Eric's body is already shutting down

from stage four diarrhoea.

Inside his stomach, bile has just dislodged in arbie's ultimate angus.

In the average human this

would only have caused mild diarrhoea.

But Eric cartman is now drinking

Double Dew.

A Mountain Dew product with

twice the sugar and caffeine

of regular Mountain Dew.

His **** feces is now rapidly converting to a thick paste.

The diarrhoea shoots out of

Eric's anus and into his underwear.

Eric Cartmen is a ticking time bomb.

Dude, did you just shit your pants.

No.

So, I just tried to keep the tour

group moving as fast as possible.

Alright guy this is is where

we're gonna break for lunch.

Come in by the waterfall gang.

Oh, no. Could we skip lunch and keep going.

Skip a free lunch?

Not me.

Who wants sandwiches.

We got turkey.

Ham.

Turkey ham.

Long story short --

Oh, you guys seriously,

something is wrong in my tummy.

Then stop drinking Double Dew, fat ass.

This is diet Double Dew, Kyle

it only has half the caffeine and

sugar of Double Dew.

I have to get to the bathroom fast.

You're in the forest. Go take a crap.

If I crap in the woods, the blood will attract beavers, Kyle.

Hey, I'm so sorry but we have an emergency.

Our friend is really, really sick.

Oh you mean the little kid with the herpes?

Ya.

That's not herpes, it's cold sore.

Right, sorry.

Yeah, his cold sore is really bad and he's losing blood. So, we gotta go.

Geez sorry dude, But we're at the summit.

The only way down is to zip down.

What about the stables.

The stables there is a ranch

past the hill that rents horses.

I think they can get you back.

Suddenly, Stan says he knows about some horse stables.

It seemed too good to be true.

Let me get this straight.

You want four horses one for

each of you.

Yes, please.

I think we can set you up.

Thank God.

See, guys this is gonna be sweet after all.

Step out here.

We will get you going.

Got four more for you,

Duncan.

Hi.

No!

Four young boys in Colorado

are on a trip from hell.

Ahh!

Trapped in a tour group on

horseback that is only allowed

to travel four miles an hour.

Can we please, please,

please.

Go faster.

We got some lunch set up for

you up ahead.

Some turkey sandwichs and diet Double Dew.

Oh, no.

So, long story short I was born

in 1953 at 6:00 in the morning.

An attempt to make a bad day

better becomes a descent into

madness on "I should have never

thought horseback riding would be

any better than ziplining."

This here waterfall is called

Heartbreak Falls.

Would you like to know why it's

called Heartbreak Falls.

I certainly would.

Ya.

Kyle, Kyle, Kyle.

Come on wake up.

Just go, go without me.

No, we're not leaving you here, Kyle.

I can't take it anymore.

Why do people say "long story short."

They're not making it short, Stan.

I just sat there watching Kyle die.

I wanted to tell him the truth right then and there but then

a fire rose up inside of me.

I thought I can find us a way out.

I ran off and went searching for

I don't know how long, 12 minutes.

and that's when I found it. You guys, get up.

Listen to me.

There is a lake a hundred yards

down that way.

There is a marina with boats just sitting there.

A marina.

We can take a boat, you guys.

We can probably take it all the way back to Fairplay.

What's the point?

Come on, you guys. A boat all to ourselves.

It could be fun.

What could possibly go wrong.

The following program

contains graphic re-enactments

that maybe disturbing to some

audience members.

Four young boys in Colorado

are on a trip from hell.

Trapped on a 42-foot power

boat which is only allowed to go 5 miles an hour.

Because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhoea.

It's not my diarrhoea's fault

you took us all ziplining.

You ****ing jew.

Ziplining was your idea, fat ass.

The fourth graders are in a nightmare they can't escape.

Kenny whose idea was it to

go ziplining mine or Kyle's.

I don't know, I don't give a shit.

For four elementary school

boys an already tragic day becomes a

descent into madness on

"I should have never gotten on a

God damn boat."

Boat!

Oh no. You're not thinking of the entire boat.

you're taking the crap off

the side into the water.

Ahh!

After cleaning Cartman's

diarrhea and fightings off

beavers the boys have made a

terrifying discovery that

boating is just as boring as ziplining.

The boat went really slow and

it just went around and around.

Ahh!

If the boys fall asleep now

from the lack of excitement.

They could die.

Here, everyone drink some

Mountain Dew.

I don't know.

I thought if we all drank the

Mountain Dew the caffeine and

sugar would help us stay awake.

I told Cartman "You've to share it."

I'm not sharing with Kenny.

He has herpes.

Four young boys in Colorado

are on a trip from hell.

And just when it seems it can't get

any worse--

Kenny.

Kenny!

Kenny McCormick has died of boredom.

Oh my God they killed Kenny.

Bastards.

No, not they. You.

Look what your ziplining has

done.

You killed Kenny you're the bastard.

It wasn't my idea. It was yours. You killed Kenny, you

bastard.

Finally I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I said, stop it.

Stop it!

It was me.

My idea.

You?

Four days ago I came across a

brochure for ziplining.

I thought it would be fun.

I only acted like it was an idea

we all came up with together.

So, you intended for us to go

ziplining all along.

Why, Stan?

If you sign up three friends

you get a free iPod Nano.

You sold us out for an iPod

Nano?

I had no idea ziplining would

be so boring.

You, you killed Kenny.

You bastard!

You bastard, Stan!

How many iPod Nanos is

friendship worth?

I guess one.

The hardest part about it is

knowing you can't take it back.

I mean it was a fifth generation nano

so I can't trade it in any where.

But then miraculously the boys

prayers are finally answered.

It was a miracle he came to

save us and take us back home.

You came for us.

Mr. Hankey. Thank you.

Howdy hoe, boys, let's get

you back home.

We were saved.

It was over.

After nearly four hours in

the Colorado wilderness the boys

are finally going home.

From the boat, the boys were

airlifted aboard Mr. Hankey's

magical helicraptor.

In the four hours since they have left home the boys had

travelled so far

that Mr. Hankey then had to fly them on the 7 turdy 7.

From there it was only an hour ride back home on the Poochoo express.

Four friends torn apart by tragedy would now start the long

journey back to forgiveness,

Kenny McCormicks remains were

finally brought home to his parents and

the boys received treatment for

their herpes.

No, I didn't get herpes.

I just had a cold sore.

Kyle Bratkowski spent 27 days in the

hospital having fecal matter removed

from his nasal passages.

Stan Marsh dedicated himself to raise an

awareness about the boredom risks of ziplining. His awareness videos became

so popular that Stan once again ended up jacking it in

San Diego.

As for Eric Cartman, he refused to let the tragedy stop him from doing

what he loves most.

In just two weeks, he was back to drinking diet Double Dew.

Defiant to do the math.

It's diet dude. Diet soda doesn't give you diarrhoea.

Sync & crrections by MaxiZephyr www.addic7ed.com