Original subtitles

Well, you're all here? Good.

This is Los Angeles, the City of Angels,

cradle of the American dream.

The city that never sleeps,

a wealth of movies, music and business.

An Italian-American lives here, George Di Spirito.

A man of success with an enviable lifestyle.

Yet, something is missing in that apparently perfect life.

Here we are!

-Fast. -Your bags…

Thank you, thank you.

And two.

-My good man, how much? -48 euros.

-Pay by credit card? -Yes, pay.

-No, a credit card's okay payment? -Okay payment.

No credit card! I'll bop over to the ATM…

Hey, Skinhead, you don't get it.

-I want my money. -So, no trust.

Sure do!

Here's a Rolex, as collateral… Nice huh?

Pa tried that with Gramps, he didn't fall for it.

-Give me my money! -Flat broke, I'll go get some.

-Give me this bracelet. -Not this!

-I'll hit you. -Okay, here.

-Good. -I won't wear it on a belt anyway.

All paid up, see ya.

-My change? -A tip.

Hey!

It always works.

Good morning, dear, you came home too late last night.

You know I have to be in bed by 9:00!

I hope your meeting was profitable.

Our neighbors bought a private plane.

When do we?

I know I bet on a winning horse!

No kiss before you leave,

the doctor says interrupting my sleep,

is harmful to my skin.

Don't rip up my messages!

Kiss kiss.

Sorry.

First flight to anywhere.

The first flight is to Romania.

Perfect, a wicked place!

Wicked… Dracula…

You don't get it.

There's another flight, to Los Angeles.

Great! And my name's Angelo.

Too late, we can't load the bags in time.

Bags? I don't have any bags.

What's that then?

Not mine, it's his, the Kraut's.

Pick up your "rucksacken"!

Confirmed for Los Angeles?

-Surname? -Meaning?

-Angelo, surname? -Right…

Put… Lupino, Goffredo Lupino.

May I have your document?

My documents, yes. I said Angelo, because it's my stage name.

I'm a musician, metal music,

maybe you know our group the "Metal Detector".

Airport music…

Get that belt off…

YOUR BEARINGS FOR INVESTMENT

-Here. -Thank you.

Smile! You work at an airport, if you can't tell when I'm winging it…

-Enjoy your flight. -How'll she get a husband?

Have you seen this man?

Wait… yes, he was dressed like a headbanger.

At the gate for US flights.

Ok, let's go!

-What's he done? -Everything!

Of course, it's confirmed.

Mr. Texas dines with me on Saturday.

How long have I been handling your affairs?

Relax, it will be the decade's biggest Italy/US joint venture.

I know he's a tough nut to crack.

You know him, tell me his tastes, what he eats.

Perfect, I'll deal with it.

Don't worry, bye.

Alyssa?

Organize a Japanese lunch at my home for Saturday.

-Sushi for the Texan. -Do it nice.

-Excellent level. -Ok.

Next month I have an appointment at the Beverly Hills Beauty Center

with the specialist who works miracles.

Isn't booking done a year ahead?

That's what I did.

-What is it? -Oh, my God!

-See it? -Where?

Does it show?

-What? -A stretch mark.

What? It's just some flab.

Flab… Oh, God!

Just think, Giorgio would like to have children.

Imagine the stretch marks then!

No! Damn!

What else now?

What else…

MY EX-WIFE

Hello, love!

Who's love? It's Angelo.

We've been divorced for six months, I can't call you love?

Sorry if I call you love!

I know I owe you that money, in fact, I called you…

I'm in Los Angeles for work.

I'm calling to know

if you could send me a tiny sum… Hello?

She hung up! She pisses me off!

How I miss you!

"Your bearings for investment".

Don't I wish!

What can I invest? My mother-in-law.

Investing is better than being invested.

Let's procure a room.

SEVERAL HOURS AND MANY HOTELS LATER

Hands off me!

Hands off!

America, is this any way to treat an Italian?

You owe everything to us!

If Columbus' navigator hadn't balled-up that day,

you'd still be hunting wild boar with peashooters.

He hit me!

How!

Now where?

Americans… Just born the other day!

It's even chilly.

Life's rough for you too, huh?

Hi, bad day, huh?

Could I take advantage…

You pigged-out, huh? A barbeque…

Okay, if there's a vacant room…

Who can I talk to?

Are you the concierge?

Speak now or hold your peace, I'm moving in.

Just so we don't share a bathroom.

The pillow, a goose-down pipe.

Who'd have guessed.

My first night in Los Angeles in a 15-billion-star hotel.

I'll go over some language, it's important.

Done.

Glasses.

Window.

Cats.

What, "cats"?

So, when you're rippin', you can say:

"You've 'cat' to be 'kitting' me!"

Don't eat all the sheep, or I can't sleep.

Good grief!

It doesn't even warm you up.

If it was The Daily Sun…

Who is it?

"Dad"? I'm alive, not dead.

Let me sleep.

The one in the picture is dead, not me.

Your "Pop".

The Pope's dead?

He seemed so well.

That's not the Pope.

I don't understand, I'm on lesson one.

There are three.

Father.

"Dad", like "father", not "dead".

This isn't my father.

Give it to me.

"Mr. Di Spirito, 50 million dollars".

He's my father!

This is my father, you're a genius.

Genius, he's my father.

I found him, you're a genius.

May Jesus bless you.

Let me hug you, I've found my father.

Are you 'kitting' me? I said "genius", I said "thank you", what more do you want?

You take this, I'll take this other.

I "urgent" clothes,

you give me suit, I give you glasses, Made in Italy.

How do you say that?

Good, classy glasses, want them?

If I had money, I wouldn't be here.

If you give me a suit, I'll give you these classy glasses

and this watch, solid gold.

Not even fake solid gold.

I can't stand this anymore.

I give you glasses, watch and bracelet.

I even give a high-fashion shirt, it's a "quasi equal".

-Diseugual. -If it's an original!

A "quasi equal" at the market.

Never mind, okay or not?

Always money, I don't have any!

What can I give you?

What are you looking at?

There!

You're sharp! The only good thing I have.

And me, bare-foot?

"Don Warry", must be a Mafia boss.

I'm not going to the moon.

It was a nice funeral.

Your father would have been happy.

Darling!

Okay, your dad's dead and we're all sad,

but let's look at the positive side.

We're rich!

Give me a nice smile for all those millions.

Know what?

We'll buy a mansion in Hawaii. What do you think?

And then that diamond.

Not for me, a diamond is an excellent investment.

And then a yacht.

How can we live without a yacht!

-Dad said money… -Never made anyone rich.

I'm going to my room, kiss kiss.

Won't you stay a while?

What for?

I need my afternoon facial.

I can't take this anymore!

Damned shoes, I feel like Tin Man.

Hello…

I'm looking for my brother, I'm my brother's brother.

-Who? -She doesn't understand.

Read my lips.

I'm George's brother.

Brother!

Sorry, sir.

If you open I can… if not, I can't.

Thank you.

Her head's a muddle!

If I speak Italian, you understand?

-I studied in Rome. -Then say so!

Mom, mine,

told me about you only after Dad died.

So, here I am, to meet the brother I never knew.

Let me hug you.

Sorry.

-What did he say? -Leave, do you understand that?

-I have no brothers. -He doesn't believe me.

Look, how can you say I'm not your brother?

We're just alike, let me hug you.

Stop right there!

Your brother looks more like your father than you do.

Right, even they say so.

Let me hu…

Mind your own business!

Out!

Hands off me, how dare you?

What's your problem? Think I'm here for the inheritance?

I don't want your money, just to embrace my brother.

Let me hug you.

All we need is Avatar!

He says he's my brother, he's probably a nutcase.

I'm your brother. I…

-Does she understand Italian? -I studied in Rome.

Are here schools all used up?

A pleasure, I'm Angelo, George's stepbrother,

so you're my sister-in-law, let me hug you.

What's he want? Do something, call security.

Right, you just stand there… No security!

-Let go! -Mrs. Smurf…

Never try to stop me again when I'm doing something, clear?

Yeah…

-What is it? -A loudspeaker.

Like a provolone!

-Out! -I'm leaving.

I'll take a couple of jewels… mine, I'd never think of stealing

in my brother's house.

Ma'am… outta the way.

Ciao, Dad.

Get those sausage fingers off, I don't need a tow truck.

Ciao, brother.

Stay out of this, it's a bad day.

DAD'S WATCHING YOU FROM ABOVE

DAD'S WATCHING YOU FROM ABOVE AND HE'S NOT HAPPY

-What's going on? -You've been to the dentist!

No, what's going on here?

I'm telling everybody who my brother is.

-He's the guy asking you to get in! -I can get in?

Wow! Hold this, do something for once.

Just a minute!

Get in, you idiot.

It's not the Grand Hotel, but better than cardboard.

Mr. George said just one night.

-Maxilla… -Manila.

Maxilla, massive jaw matches the rest!

For just one night I'll make my own bed.

-The gardener used to sleep here. -Now I do.

Miguel!

Miguel?

You'd get soused with the gardener?

He was so handsome.

Was? You crushed him?

-No, he left. -I believe it!

You leave too, you're not paid to make love to the gardener,

especially during work hours.

And I'm not the gardener, go to bed.

Go on!

Go to bed!

-Are you out of your mind? -The neighbors came!

Another five minutes, and so would journalists.

He's crazy and you're not very normal either.

It's just for a night.

Why host a perfect stranger?

I'll handle it in the morning.

-Night. -Kiss kiss.

Kiss kiss.

MY EX-WIFE

All I need is the hyena.

Hello? Calling at this hour?

It's morning there…

Want the money? Let me work.

There's big business at hand, an inheritance.

No one died, except the gardener.

I'll explain, I read in the paper…

She makes me so mad!

What's your contract? "Charge up and Hang up"?

Vibration and good night.

This vibration is too strong.

-Oh God! -Can I do something for you?

What's on your head?

Especially, what the fuck are you wearing?

Go to bed.

-You're sure? -I'm sure.

Set sail and beach in your room.

Go on, good night.

With those square-meters, your name's bound to be a capital city!

-Manila! -You called?

Sleep! Put the jaguar to rest.

How much do you want to go to the devil?

You have to leave, right now.

You don't understand,

I don't want your money, I want to be with my brother.

-Let me hug you. -Don't touch me.

-I have no brothers. -How can you be sure?

Sorry, but Dad's death has put a hole in my stomach.

Listen, there's an important meeting here today,

a Texan's coming to wind up a very big deal.

It's about the purchase… Forget it!

Who asked? Want some?

Listen! Stay hidden and quiet.

When the Texan leaves, we'll decide what to do.

Got that?

-I mustn't see you. -I'll stand behind Manila.

I mean it, hidden and quiet, promise?

Promise?

You shouldn't be ashamed of your brother.

-So, you're out now. -So, I'll stay hidden, want some?

Hello!

Is this a Minions invasion?

This is the food for the meeting?

Okay, I understand!

I understand! How do you stop them?

You too?

You give a Texan stuff that's still alive?

What's this?

It's Skifidol Slime?

It's going to be tough.

-Very tough. -Don't worry.

-I'm dying of hunger. -You speak Italian!

I'm learning, it's always best to know one's friends.

Or one's adversaries.

I had something special made for you.

You did?

Here I am!

Specialty of the house: pasta bucatini amatriciana.

Repeat: bucatini amatriciana.

My job.

Pass this to your wife.

That's another dish entirely…

Didn't you say Japanese?

Why do they do this? Because they have stomachaches.

He got it.

Okay…

Maybe.

Good for you!

I'm not catchin' a snooze in the kitchen.

Go, sir.

Your hat on the table, hayseed!

Perfect, first course done!

You're eating pasta Shanghai?

Look how they gobble it up!

It's good? Good, huh?

Just right….

What do you know about food!

You eat mushy rice, rolled in carbon paper.

That's sushi… but you didn't understand.

Have you thought about wine?

-Grappa? -No, sake.

-Sake! -For heaven's sake!

Smell.

This is battery acid, the Texan can't drink this.

We need a vintage wine.

Here, Manila!

Corkscrew, hurry.

Here, ladies and gentlemen, Italian wine.

Dry and fruitful, especially for the one who sold it.

-It bore fruit for 200 dollars. -Shut up!

You're a chump.

There you are, a little bit.

Pass this to the ladies.

I'm surprised at you.

Wine must be de-chanté.

Two, three swirls…

Excellent! Where did you find this incredible man?

-He's a relative from Italy. -I'm his stepbrother.

A pleasure, Angelo.

-You resemble one another. -Not really…

Even the Texas Ranger says so!

Two peas in a pod!

Actually, two round, shiny peas.

-What did he say? -Drink with us.

I can't, not while working.

I guess you came for the funeral.

How long will you stay?

My sister-in-law doesn't want me to stay.

What? Silly man!

He's joking!

You wanted to stay just two days,

but I know it would please George,

so I asked you to stay…

two weeks.

Two weeks!

Listen, it's important for brothers

to be together at moments like these.

I was alone when my father died.

Very hard.

-To the family. -To the family.

To yours, I'm not drinking.

Since you even told Texas,

I'll be staying another two weeks.

I'll go do the fish in salt crust on a cot of salad.

-We say "bed". -I just have two leaves, it's a cot.

Excuse me. May I speak to you?

Think of the family!

You're hurting me!

You promised me to stay hidden.

-Aren't you happy? -Quiet!

Aren't you happy? The pasta was good, now Texas has warmed up.

In fact it wasn't bad, thank you.

-Let me hug you. -Stop!

I must close this deal.

If it blows, I'm out a pile of money.

If you want it in port, don't make fun of Texas.

-Leave it to me, it's my job. -Don't underestimate his babe.

-The assistant? -No assistant, she participates!

-Get lost! -Trust me!

Disappear!

Smile, you're sadder than a bowl of pudding!

Get lost!

George!

-The Führer's calling! -George!

Whiskey, have you been drinking?

Don't drive now or the police will dog you.

This is the outlook for the next five years.

Our proposal is for 10% of the investment.

We won't take less than 25% into consideration.

I speak in the interests of my client,

but I guarantee it's an excellent move, especially in the long run.

BUY GLASSES

Besides the shares, we offer you a 15% advance

and 3% of the net profits.

Giorgio…

we have an agreement.

Giorgio, it's been a pleasure doing business with you.

Excellent lunch, gimme five.

A little thought for you.

Very kind.

-What did you give him? -The secret recipe for bucatini.

Are you a nitwit?

He's a billionaire, he's missing an essential ingredient: hunger!

-Thank you, for earlier. -If we don't help one another…

By the way, what were you miming to me?

An eye on Miss Brandy,

she smolders and smokes.

She'll make him jump the contract.

Why, what did you understand?

A fly flew in my eye and it swelled up,

I drank some water to take a pill.

When did you ever see such a big pill?

And when I did this?

You couldn't find the pill, you used a suppository.

Yes?

Thank you for your help, that's the door, you can go.

But at lunch you said I could stay two weeks.

You did, actually.

I don't believe a word of what you say

and all the brotherhood crap so… Manila!

Take him to the gate.

But he helped close an important contract.

And we have no gardener.

True, we're short of personnel, it's okay with me.

You're hired.

In effect, you contributed to increasing the family income.

Fine, would you like to stay?

You have to earn it.

Manila show him all there is to do.

-Come with me. -Now, right now?

24 hours a day, time off on Thursday afternoons.

Okay!

-I'll show you the tools. -Just a minute!

Since I have to start working, how about have an advance

to buy a few things?

I can give him the gardener's clothes, he's the same size.

Good.

Manila, you're just like a litter of kittens, aren't you?

Kittens?

There's no safe!

A billionaire with no safe is like seven brothers and no brides.

Sorry, Dad.

Okay, you're not my father!

But I chose you, and a son, even unwanted,

should be helped.

Right?

Dad, if you agree,

give me a sign.

Think about it, bye.

At a certain point, the dream becomes a nightmare.

The pool was covered with spaghetti and cheese!

You were naked on the trampoline, yelling.

-Yelling what? -Skinned tomatoes are coming!

It's not funny.

I thought it was!

-What do you think Dad would say? -About the dream?

No, about us two!

I'd like to know

more about him.

Leave my father alone.

Our father!

Our father… You're so sad!

Have a laugh, there's even spirit in your name: Di Spirito!

Couldn't it be this music?

What is it? "Chill".

-Doesn't that mean "cold"? -So?

You exercise and listen to music that makes you cold?

You're even sweating!

I'll take care of this.

Not this…

Here, this one.

Like this…

Listen to this.

This is music!

Hear the poetry.

If I have a kid one day, I'd like him to become

an orchestra conductor.

-Lower the volume. -Relax!

You try too, conduct the orchestra.

Lower the volume.

Try, follow me.

-No, please! -Ready?

-Silence in the orchestra. -C'mon!

Careful, the violinist is coming in.

Cut this sham!

-Bring me tomorrow's documentation. -All right.

Do we have the investigator's number in Rome?

-I'll call him. -Perfect.

Marotti Investigations.

I'm Mr. Di Spirito from Los Angeles.

-I wanted to tell you… -I'll jot it down.

No, a pen!

Sure, right away!

Angelo? I'm writing.

A pen!

-Remember, top secret. -Okay.

I demand maximum privacy.

Yes…

It doesn't write!

Keep me updated.

Yes, of course.

Goodbye.

I asked you for a pen!

One minute, I'm working!

Would you put some cream on me?

At your service.

One second…

You're so good!

I know.

Some have a velvet touch, mine is plushy.

Ma'am!

You lead into temptation!

Here you go!

Ma'am!

A little here.

-Yes? -Weren't you…

Supposed to buy dog food.

Ma'am…

Thank you.

You like barbarians?

-Are you joking? -What were you doing with that foot?

My hormones were jumping.

Do you think the barbarian's up for it?

I think all he wants is George's inheritance.

My inheritance!

-Where are you going? -I have a great responsibility.

-Meaning? -To get dog food.

And why are you already here?

I'm taking Patricia to buy something for me to wear.

To renew your undertaker look.

But Patricia is busy with her girlfriend.

-I'll come, if you like. -No…

Perfect! Move over.

-Move over! -What? Move over?

Take off…

-How do I look? -Fine.

Thanks for the suit, but we came for you.

You deserved it, besides there are personal shoppers here!

I didn't do it for money.

In America isn't anything done just for the fun of it?

Look, we look like the "Blue Brothers"!

-Let's take a picture. -A selfie?

Selfies are outdated, we'll take a wide-angle.

Don't laugh.

Don't laugh!

Don't laugh!

-Don't laugh! -Why not?

We'll get a dental panoramic.

How can you always be so happy?

I always tried to live doing what I wanted.

-Lucky you! -I'd suggest it.

What is it?

The dog food! You know how mad Cruella can get!

-You just gave me an idea. -What?

Now I know how to make George kick him out.

How?

Maybe he'll come on to me.

-I don't think so. -Want to bet?

Okay, what are the stakes?

If I win, you give me your tour at the Beauty Center,

if you win, I'll give you the Kelly by Hermès

that I ordered 6 months ago.

A 50-thousand-dollar bag against a sitting at the Beauty Center?

Right.

You're sure?

Okay, but I want proof.

And you'll have it.

Do what I want…

Do what I want!

Oh, God!

Right, today's cucumber day.

-Are you crazy? -I'm doing what I want.

-And now I want a little… -What?

You woke me up just because you wanted some?

You know how hard it is for me to sleep.

You know that interrupting sleep is harmful for the skin?

Not interrupting is harmful for marriages.

This here…

another here…

another here, it makes mass.

Another…

Third floor… with a veranda.

Another two.

Let's use it all, equal treatment.

Cheese makes a double-adhesive.

Perfect, the final touch.

Always wrong timing!

Hello, ex-love?

I call you "love", you get pissed off!

By the way, what's your name?

Just kidding!

No, my voice is hoarse because…

it always snows here, Los Angeles is a toss from the South Pole.

Listen… sorry.

Whiskey, it's got tabasco, it's hot!

I have to leave you.

Your lawyer's going to write me?

We're divorced, no kids, you left me…

You lawyer's writing me for 5.000 euro?

I've already given you 80!

I told you you'll get it, let me work!

Don't always bust my balls!

I hung up?

Great!

You see, it's tabasco sauce!

-What is it? -I called the investigator.

-And? -Still no news.

Thank you.

Anything else I can do?

What would you like to do?

-I don't understand… -Just what I said.

Now, what would you like to do?

-Are you alright? -Sure, don't worry.

I'm just trying to do…

only what I want, like to try?

What's she want now?

Yes? You're going out!

-Want to drink? -I never drink while I'm working.

Besides I'm a vegan.

Think about the money…

-Yes? -Can you dance?

I'm pretty good, just a few steps.

-Why? -I'd like to learn.

Why don't you get lessons with George?

He doesn't like to dance.

-I thought you could teach me. -I know just the "Hully-Gully".

And not too well, I often lose the group.

No Hully-Gully! A nice tango!

This is the Titanic, dancers are mirrored in a tango.

-Want to do it in a mirror? -Better turn around.

-Will you steer me? -You steer, I have no license.

-So then, tango! -Yes.

Sorry!

Up! The tango is always up!

-And the casqué? -Only if you slip.

If we can't dance, I'll teach you something.

No!

-Kiss me. -No, George might be around.

-He's at the office. -Then Manila.

-She's giving the dog highlights. -Highlights on the dog?

They're in fashion. Kiss me!

-No! -Come on!

-Yes! -No!

-You can't refuse, you belong to me! -Fuck off!

You're an idiot!

You're an idiot!

It doesn't end here.

First you hate me, then you kiss me,

think I'm some puppet?

I'll never betray my brother, clear?

Good, give her a second coat.

He tried to rape me!

Are you a man or not?

You'd allow someone to treat your wife like trash?

I see two options, either you kick him out

or I'll call the police and throw that pig in jail.

-Why did he do it? -What do you care!

Does it seem odd your wife might be attractive?

No, darling, you're very attractive.

No one can allow themselves to touch me, right?

Of course.

Darling, who do you trust more, your wife or a stranger?

My wife.

Fine! Kick him out.

Goodbye!

Your wife lied.

The liar here, is you.

Get out.

I'd never steal my brother's wife, let me hug you!

That woman will ruin you.

A woman is like snow, nice to see it arrive,

but when it ices up, what a pain!

Only if you slip.

- Give me a kiss. -No!

-Come here. -I'm not talking to you.

Don't be a baby, I know you told the truth.

First you kick me out and then… really?

-I saw it all. -You weren't even there.

Patricia recorded the whole thing on her phone.

-Why? -I don't know.

Look.

I lost the phone.

Look harder!

Maybe it fell in the garden or in the car…

Run!

It's my wife's car!

Why don't I hear you, shitty phone!

Buddy, give it to me.

Give it to me, good boy…

Give it to me!

Give it to me… disgusting!

It's all drool!

No!

It short-circuited.

Oh well, problem resolved.

I don't believe it, the car open, keys in the ignition,

you could have filled the tank for them.

Just one word: you're a jerk!

Three of them.

-Three of them. -Yeah…

So, you're-a-jerk, altogether.

You know how mad your wife will be.

She's got nothing to get mad about!

What's he doing here again?

Answer me!

I won't stay in this house with him,

it's either him or me, will you say something?

Show some balls!

Either me or this dirty hobo.

Better a hobo than a tramp.

You're great!

Manila, pack the bags.

I don't want to leave.

Manila stays.

Fuck off.

Patty? Claire, you have no idea, that bastard!

Can you put me up tonight?

No, I'm sorry,

I'm having the house painted,

I'm so sorry!

Keep me informed, bye.

I just got a 50-thousand-dollar handbag.

This too, no! I don't believe it!

Where's my car?

It's gone.

He got it stolen!

Good you're leaving him, a man who gets his car stolen is no man.

You two are the dumbest losers of all the men

I've ever known!

And she's known a few, huh?

You can call a taxi, dear.

Your stupid dog broke my phone.

Great, gimme five!

You know the way.

-And now? -A toga party!

Toga party? Who'll ever come in a toga?

Alyssa!

-A fantastic party! -You had a great idea.

We both did, organizing it all in three hours!

-We're a fantastic couple. -To us.

-There's another emperor costume. -Where?

I'm Caesar, he's Nero.

An olive.

-I like to see you smile. -Yes, I'm happy.

Especially for George… Mr. Di Spirito.

-I've never seen him so… -So, what?

So cheerful.

Are you in love with my brother?

But, do you think…

She's in love, it's a classic.

-Here I am! Can I help? -You have to!

We could have had it catered.

Instead I have to work.

You and Alyssa, two nuts with the idea of a family party.

Your secretary is pretty, don't you think?

-What? -Pretty…

-Yes, very. -Aren't you giving it some thought?

What?

I gave you a hand, go ahead.

Sideways.

Don't make me look bad, be professional!

The sandwiches?

And this? And this?

Is this professional bias?

Serve them, not eat them.

Manila, did you invite your brother?

-Hi! Having fun? -Lots.

A pleasure, Angelo.

I'm George's brother, he's the owner…

of the villa… what's your name?

-Carlo. -Carlo!

In ancient Rome, sure…

They're calling me.

Carlo's my surname.

-In fact, a broad like you! -A pleasure, Gianni.

Carlo was better.

Gianni… have fun!

Make yourself at home in another's home.

Just joking, I'm Sara, Alyssa's friend.

Never joke with feelings!

In fact, such a lovely girl…

What do I do to women?

It's still wet!

-Hi! -Hi, Alyssa.

I'm looking for champagne, just red is here.

Tell the truth, you brought me here to get me drunk.

-I don't understand. -You wanted to be alone with me.

Did you drink up all the white wine?

-Cheers. -Make it fast.

-Enchanté. -To you too.

What are you doing?

-You're doing it yourself. -What do you think I am?

-Did you mix with red? -I don't even know you.

You're telling me! Stop or the alarm rings.

A Roman custom: at a certain point in the party, we take off our togas.

-Never heard that. -It's tradition!

No longer! This is a toga party, not a "touch-a" party.

Don't you like my brother?

-Who? -Yeah, sure!

Julius Caesar, let me be your Cleopatra!

Listen…

Oh, God!

You asked for it, before a luscious chick,

I can't make like a pheasant.

-My Caesar! -Poppaea!

-Cleopatra! -Whatever, go on.

I don't believe it!

It's not true!

In fact, it's not true.

This moment in my life doesn't exist.

-I drank lots. -It shows!

-You too, here in the pantry? -She says it's tradition.

Take the gin to our guests, you invited them.

Actually, you both did!

-C'mon! Let me hug you! -Go!

I was feeling light!

-Last one! -Enough, I'll do it.

Why not…

The pasta's ready!

Fast, Manila!

Small portions, 15 bucatini each.

Stop, there are people around…

Fast!

Fast, I said.

You wait.

We Italians, who've given to the world

art, style and culture, this evening offer you

bucatini pasta amatriciana.

How do you say "after"?

-What's that? -Sopping up.

Fast!

Small portions.

Look, there's even the Milky Way.

It's been there forever.

Must be UHT.

You had to start necking with my secretary.

I know, she said it was tradition,

that she's in love with you…

It must have been the likeness.

She really said that?

She didn't say that, I deduced it.

You deduced wrong.

-Why? -She's my cousin.

Your relationship seems so cold.

In public I don't want people knowing she's my cousin.

Then she's my cousin too, I risked incest.

No, she's a cousin on my mother's side.

-That's how you tell me? -Want a song?

She's a cousin on my mother's side…

Then you shouldn't have stopped…

Anyway, Mafia kid,

now that you've compromised her,

you have to get engaged!

Godfather, I don't like long-term relationships.

Meaning?

I already have one divorce behind me.

I came home to find my wife in bed with another man.

So, I left.

Why were you the one to leave?

The other guy was the landlord!

As I left he said: "Since you're going, take out the trash".

A nice evening, it's been years since I had so much fun.

You had a great idea.

Now what's your ploy?

Call a doctor.

-Lord! -One moment.

Lord!

My picture doesn't come, it's overexposed.

The latest arrivals.

Good!

-Name and surname. -Angelo Baldi.

-He doesn't seem dead. -Right!

-What's he lacking? -About 40 years.

There must be one "4" too many. What happened?

Look, Mr. Architect…

I'm no architect!

Although…

-I'm not an architect. -Doctor.

-Doctor! -What's left? Cavalier.

I'll strike him with lightning.

I'm your Lord!

-Oh, God! -Good.

-So I'm dead. -Not yet.

But keep this up, you're guaranteed the opinionate circle.

-It doesn't exist. -I'll create it!

-What will they do? -What they've never done.

-They'll work. -Poor things!

-What happened? -I had a drop of wine.

-A drop! -Gabriel, so what?

He took a breathalyzer test and I got the wine cooperative.

Sorry, he's full of spirit.

If it's not my time, send me back down.

That's easy to say! What good did you do in life?

-I eked along. -That's a lot these days.

His last good deed goes back to 1975.

No, look…

Recently he helped a vagabond find work.

He's the Angelo I spoke about.

Okay, you can go back, not for what you've done,

but for what's left to do.

-You say so? -You doubt my word?

-No, forever be praised! -I'll write 40 seconds, not years.

-I won't do it again. -Good, go.

Thank you, say hello to Mary, the Apostles,

the Wise Men, all the manger scene.

Welcome back.

You're here too, Mary.

Where's Joseph?

-What happened? -You had a close call.

Meaning?

If we hadn't hospitalized you, you'd be in the other world.

I was here, but they don't want me.

What?

What are you looking for?

The ox and the donkey.

It's nice to see you again.

That asshole!

Good morning, who's the asshole?

Counselor, let's skip the useless parts.

If you say so.

I want the maximum from this separation.

-From who? -From my dog… From who?

My idiot husband repeated his father's words:

"Money never made anyone rich".

Now we'll see.

I'm interested in money, aren't you?

I'd say so.

Fine.

You should know not to drink!

I was told not to go overboard.

-By who? -My liver, it's suing my pancreas.

I have to confess…

Yes?

What is it, Counselor?

How much does she want?

Okay, I'll sue.

Looks like a long battle.

Sure, but if you had the phone with that film!

-Sure, but anyway… -Money doesn't make happiness!

-Exactly. -Just imagine debts.

Listen, anyway, thank you.

-C'mon! -You saved my life!

-Let me hug you! -Please!

At least here.

No one can see! You're the only one who's ever worried about me.

At least you had a dad.

-Until I got married. -Why?

-Dad detested Patricia. -Say he's wrong…

-He refused to see me anymore. -Why did you marry?

I was in love, she was so sweet at first.

And I won out against my dad for the first time.

-It was better to lose. -Yeah.

-She changed after the wedding. -They all do.

Mr. Jekyll and Dr. House.

My father liked an ex of mine, Rosa.

He'd have loved grandchildren, but…

But you… children?

With Patricia it's never the right time, kiss kiss and it's over.

I'll be 42 in a few days!

42 should be celebrated big.

Nah!

-No! -Yes!

On our way to adventure!

Let's go…

-We should have booked. -Live the adventure!

-Know what? I envy you. -Why?

You take life lightly, you never worry about things.

Sometimes I'd like to be like you.

I've been trying to be like you all my life.

You take things too seriously, let yourself go,

we'll stop at the first place we like, we'll rent a villa

a little life!

Why not!

Got a short foot? Faster!

Look, sun, sea, women, what more do you want?

A sunscreen, I'm scorching.

Go buy an SPF of 80.

80 doesn't exist!

Get 40 and apply it twice.

No drink, I'm fine.

No, he's not my friend, he's my brother.

-Understand? -Yes.

We're on vacation, my brother is "divorziandos"…

his wife was very…

He was very "bustballados" so we left.

-Understand? -Yes.

This evening…

do you have a girlfriend

to eat and drink something with my "bustballados"?

Yes? Hurray!

-Can all you say is "yes"? -Yes.

Now I'll make you say "no".

So, if I say: "Then we'll make love" what do you say?

-Yes. -Gotcha!

She said "yes" again.

-Are you "jokandos" with me? -Yes.

I thought so…

I've been looking for you.

-I set up a date. -With who?

The bar lady, so…

She's off work soon and will meet us with a girlfriend.

The pretty ones' friends all weigh 300 pounds, it's a law.

Listen to your brother…

What's this sunscreen's scent?

Nice, huh? Like my problem, Awe.

-Law… -No more lines like that.

-It wasn't bad. -No more, hear me?

Or I'll go out by myself.

No more.

Here they are!

Ciao, Maria.

This is my friend, Rosa.

Rosa?

Counselor, rewrite the law.

-For you. -Thank you.

Some advice!

Would you tell your friend a truth that could hurt her?

That could ruin your friendship?

The truth is always best.

I'm here for Mrs. Di Spirito's things.

It's all there.

I was afraid she'd come, I really didn't want to see her.

The lawyer appointed me.

Her phone's here too, she left it.

But it doesn't work.

- Angelo? -Yes?

- Can you dance? -I'm pretty good, why?

You always sit there!

Taste this great cocktail.

-What's in it? -Rosewater and guava.

-What's it called? -Rogue… taste it.

-Good? -No.

I made you say "no".

A little more time,

I met a person I can't do without.

He's helping me with the money I owe you.

If you could wait a few more days…

Perfect.

It's the first time we've agreed,

now let's decide who hangs up first.

He did!

-I'm crazy about her! -Coffee?

Coffee? No way!

Maybe she's married with three kids.

I'm positive for once, and you're negative?

I have something important to tell you.

Okay, brother.

The truth is, I'm not…

-What did you call me? -I said "okay, brother".

-To me? -Who else?

-There's this too. -What's to say?

-Nothing. -C'mon!

-Nothing. -Tell me!

-No. -Tell me!

I said it's nothing!

Will you please tell me?

-Wait here. -Stop!

-I'm allergic to goose-down. -Weren't you with Patricia?

Really?

What ass… what luck the phone was still there.

That's fantastic!

Sure, I'll tell him.

He can't answer, he's smooching.

We're leaving soon, the car's ready.

So, I'll see you soon.

No kiss kiss! Kiss kiss is bad luck.

Bye.

How long can they "smoocherones"?

We've been waiting 15 minutes!

-You won't come with me? -If you love me, you'll come back.

I'll be back and marry you.

Not so fast, cowboy!

C'mon!

Thanks for everything, how do you say "ciao"?

Ciao.

-Ciao, Angelo. -A handshake?

Let me hug you!

Hello.

What did my future ex-husband say?

How many zeros?

We asked for an eight-zero figure,

but I think we'll have to knock several off.

Seven?

Even more.

You're a good dancer, now I'll teach you something.

- No! -Kiss me.

- No, George might be around. -George is at the office.

So, the phone was in the house.

What a shock for her!

She must have torn the lawyer to shreds.

Dear brother, your life will completely change now.

My life has already changed.

I haven't felt this way in years.

-How's that? -In love!

Romeo, drive!

Are you nuts?

I'm happy for you.

You know when I last saw the ocean?

-When? -I'd never seen it.

Dad would have liked you.

I have to tell you something important.

The truth is…

Sorry. Yes?

Marotti Investigations.

I have the information you wanted.

-Yes. -He's a real swindler.

I see.

He's been a fake cop, a fake priest,

a fake boxer.

He's very dangerous.

We'll be in touch soon.

Who was it?

The lawyer, about the divorce.

-Trouble? -Everything's fine.

Once back, we have an appointment to resolve the inheritance,

so you can have your share and go back to Italy.

How can I say it? Money has never made anyone happy.

I'm already happy,

I found the brother I never had.

Jump!

My brother!

Why the shouting!

Stop, if I don't tell you now, I never will.

So, first…

you're a crappy driver.

And I'm not your brother.

I'm a swindler, a coward, a bastard who wanted to cheat you.

That's the truth.

Report me, beat me, arrest me,

but I had to tell you.

Let me hug you.

Good, you see Gabriel, that's friendship,

it's an emotion on a par with love.

Then why not open a profile on Facebook?

For the love of Me! With all I have to do.

And what if Lucifer sends me a friends request?

I would never…

I would never betray my…

Do what you want, but I…

What am I saying?

I'll try again.

Don't underestimate Miss Brandy

the boss's babe…

A little here.

Makes me laugh!

Here I am!

I was sliding.

Before a luscious chick…

Holy moly, I hurt myself.

You'd get soused with the waiter?

With the gardener… what the fuck is he?

You laid them both, huh?

Another take!

It'll come apart!

Good grief!

Here, a great cocktail…

-What's in it? -Rosewater…

I can't take anymore.

-Next, please. -Next!

Is he self-driving?

Here is the head, here one leg, there the nose…

is this a person or a Picasso's picture?

Lord, it's a work accident.

-What should I do with this puzzle? -It would take a miracle!

Yes, call my son Jesus.

No, he can't. He's gone on Earth for a dinner.

Again?

He said was the last time!

He spends God's wrath!